The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - "Let's Start Arming Our Bunnies"

Episode Date: April 29, 2019

After spotting an angel though the glass, Dan & Jay send Jacob on a mission to find out her identity. The gang watches an Easter Bunny jump in on a fight & DJ Lou is guilted for choosing a date over friendship.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. Ocasin. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM on Comedy Central Radio, serious XM95, or on demand on the serious XM app. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire, SXM.

Crackle Crackle Gang, it's your old pal, Merckface Andy and after noticing a beautiful woman in the studio next to us, the guys send sweet sweet Jacob on a mission to find out her identity. Next, Dan J and I coach Jacob on how to get her attention. Boom, put it in the boat. Before the break, there was an angel in the other studio. We couldn't figure out who this beautiful woman was. Do we know yet? Jacob, where did you go to find out who that girl was? What part of the dark web did you find her?

I found her on a bride for hire. I bought her... I bought her trachea. Because I own a little bit of her. Not all of her. I went to the producer who was an interviewer and I said you know we were next door to you and the hosts of my show thought that they knew the girl you were interviewing but they couldn't quite tell from behind who what was her name she goes more likely they probably just thought she was really hot I love it. I like it. It's us. Yeah. Oh, he puts it right on us. No, but I like that he got called out immediately.

She got a warrant. Just a smoking hot chick that you guys want to know the name of. Yeah, I don't know. These guys are creeps. They were curious. She was talking with Kate. Yes. It's not me.

She was fine for a white trash lobbyist. Her name is... She is a... A strong name. Boutique owner. That's it? Whoa. What's that? What do you mean? My name is... She is a... A strong name. Boutique owner. That's it? Whoa.

What's that? What do you mean, she's a strong bison? That's a very different thing. But what was the thing? Why was she here? Oh, strong. Yes, Chrissy? No, I know this story.

Stop your nonsense. Our friend Michelle's daughter took me into it in Union Square. It's a feminist story. Everything in there is like all like pro-hillary anti-Trump and everything's all about like And that picture yesterday runs it. It was a little it was a little much for me There's some cute little gift stuff in there, but that's the whole theme of the store. It's like the future's female It is so funny to be like this you go they let a lady on a store. Wow Ding bet this is your place.

That's my house. Excuse me, excuse me ladies. Is there a manager around? A man. Hey, don't go. Just go in there. Just go in there and burn it down. Yeah. How much is this?

$20. OK, cupcake. $20. I've haggled before. You want to get a guy out here before I fucking owe him you had this fucking negotiation? Hey, one of you cutie pies. Go get me a gin.

Excuse me, sir. You say you're on this paper incest. You on this place. You guys do silk screen? Who's backing you? That girl's pretty enough though that's somewhere in the ladder of her having the money to open this boutique. Yeah.

Is a man to suit. Yeah. It's really funny to open up a feminist store with like a man's money I know it's how it was like guarantee you know what it was no women don't get behind women like that either yeah you get you all turn on each other pretty quick I like exclusively higher women all right no I know but you like but you think this store sucks too already I was not if I thought it was cute I was glad I went in there to run around I was too much of the same thing for me but there's a lot of women in New York

particularly you don't want to get into it you don't want to get a can't you can't grab the or this pussy grabs back t-shirt it's that stuff it's that type of stuff nasty women now I do like the nasty girl Jacob go full feminist. Go down there. Really be a fucking, be a soft boy. Let's write her a message on Instagram. We'll write it from Jacob. Yeah. Let's start off with this. Hey, cupcake.

You know what she has today. I figured I'd give you a shot at the title. Hey, sweetie. Saw those sweet buns at the big heart. Figure you need a fucking kill. Bassa in between it? What's going on Jacob Jake if you're nasty? I was wondering what a little a little frightened girl like you was doing all alone in this urban jungle figure maybe you need a I got a man to watch you right here. Oh, right? Are you comfortable out of the house?

What do you want me to throw a burger in your mouth or what before we get to get to this? I mean, maybe you learned your way around the kitchen more you'd have a few more gentlemen colors Yeah, maybe you wouldn't have to run this shitty business. You'd actually be at home with some kids doing something How you doing dance soda empty? You want to get pizza or something? You want to get to some pizza before after the saucy? You have vegetarian? It's a good dollar-sli story, right? Does that mean both mouths don't eat meat?

Get a lot of plus well Jacob. Thank you for finding that out I hope that your relationship with her blossoms restores. It's funny how overnight It's all become about me where you were like gonna break through the glass yesterday I tried twice Jacob's gonna be wearing a I vote of for Hillary jumpsuit next week You're going in one of her suits. Whatever he takes. He has. No, does that have any cat calendars in here?

Yeah, no, this one right here. This is a Hillary suit from her campaign stop in Foxytony. It's when she parachute it in, Foxytony. It's right after she beat Bernie and the convention. That is why I to see Jacob just Browsing around the store. Yeah. Oh, what is this? Pussy hat cool cool G-shirt he's got it on while he's looking around cool

Can you hire some dink to run this thing for you? Yeah Jacob you should totally go in and browse around Hey campers, I am Ryan. And on this next clip, we break down a viral video where a man in a bunny costume breaks up a street fight by throwing a barrage of punches. You have the video of the Easter Bunny? It's no audio, but man is it fucking funny. There's two guys fighting outside of a liquor store and a fucking...

It's on the front page of world star. That's all the caption for it. I'm watching it. It's pretty great. What? It says, it says, uh, it's getting in on the action. So, uh, great fucking headline to it says, handing out eggs and fades. Yeah. So he's like trying to break it up and then just start

socking on them stomach shots. Yeah. Yeah. Get you some Easter bunny. Oh man This is what happens when you oh bam bam bam. I think the guys on meth put the Easter bunny Good for Easter bunny's on fucking debol and yeah, dude the Easter bunny's throwing fucking hooks By the way the cop doesn't even fucking touch the Easter bunny I know it's like thank you. Thank you Easter bunny. Thank you very much. You got a bump in beyond this year on your big day you stepped in

I Wish any of you had half the heart of the goddamn Easter bunny this bunny cares more Where's the Sam comedy lab look that up? What does that say? It's a Sam comedy lab Yeah, that's is it Sam is it saw Sam what is it? Samsonite I was way back comedy club Orlando's best rated, could that be okay? That's definitely good. Well, that is. That fucking headband says Orlando.

Yeah, that's it. Dude, that's definitely Orlando. That was a real Florida fight. The comedy lab. That's great. It's an Orlando. Oh, so that's awesome Orlando. I'm going to Orlando pretty soon.

Yeah, the bunny just, I like, oh, come on. Yeah the bunny just I like oh I like the I like the bunny's hooks if you go back to the fucking Easter bunny throwing the most. I'll tell you what in that in that costume he was throwing some shots. Yeah he got those real beef in the gut. Yeah. What are you gonna say black glue? This is helping Jay's point you guys don't realize it's a black female cop that's getting her ass kicked by a guy that is doing meth. No. Yeah. That's what a cop came over and didn't's a black female cop that's getting her ass kicked by a guy that is doing meth. No. Yeah. That's why the cop came over and didn't beat up the bunny because that's a, is that really

what's happening? Yeah. Look. Oh, I'm hilarious. Look at that. Go to the beginning. Go to the beginning. So fucking funny.

Exactly. I love it. You see, I think she's trying to arrest him. So that guy's trying to help the woman cop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was on top of her. He pinned her right down on ground. Yeah, so funny that you're like thanks. He's

He's a butter gun. She said thanks. He couldn't Christine. She was getting a text by a man. Dude, that's so funny when you're a police officer And the Easter bunny has to fucking help you out Easter bunnies like I got this guys. That's really embarrassing That's right exactly a woman cop is less effective than a fucking bunny man Scott and a guy in a mascot costume which immediately you know what I'm gonna say bring up the ace from terrified with the fucking well please either that or let's start armoring our bunnies dude yeah bunnies good there's good bunnies do look at his form he's like slipping

yeah he lit dude up and all that black cop could do is thank him she's religion of the believe in the Easter buddy too Jesus sent you here Easter bunny. I know what's early. I know what's early. Wait, you gotta go to the beginning.

It's a very opening line. Then one. Oh, best effort. We'll tweet it out. It's the fight that I always fantasize about fighting a mascot. The fight for Mace Ventura at the end. But I mean, yeah, I used to have money. A man in a debilitating physically Easter costume.

I mean, where you can barely see and your hands are covered in thick fur and like. It makes 16 ounce gloves look like M Make gloves. Yeah. What he's covering is handed. And that guy was doing work on a method. And he was able to stop a method over a woman who had a baton and handcuffs a razor pepper spray. I bet he was

done probably some sort of a pocket knife. I bet he's to a car a shotgun only a few feet away. I bet he was so sweaty getting out of that fucking bunny costume hang on them. I've done yet. He was so sweaty getting out of that fucking bunny costume hang on them. I've done yet Walkie-talkie to call Think they feel like he probably before it's that good sure Collapse and we'll be a scream Glashful baton it's nine months of combat training in the city of Orlando It really is all that the Easter buddy comes in Easter buddy's like it solves the problem He's like I mean I he's like I just finished dropping off eggs all day

Let me just fucking dish out some justice I'm gonna be up to sky for this woman cup and then I'll be honest with you an hour later I won't even be thinking about it. I'll probably I'll be having a cadbury this woman's gonna be at a Mandatory on the job therapy now. She's like how are you dealing with everything? He goes I felt so helpless out there I reached for my block, but he pinned me down and then what happened? And thank the Lord for the Easter buddy and then the buddy show up Donnie Darko does sound like a new it sounds like how you know when Batman first

Starts showing up and then the cops playing it. Oh, Batman. Yeah, they go a bunny. Okay a giant bunny came in and through Vicious hooks a Batman a man bat about okay, okay. What's your name Easter bunny? They're not gonna believe you these two streets are safe Officer why don't you pull out your gun while I mean talk to you about that. He's gonna have a motherfucker He's why the bill I need to show the host. That's crazy. I didn't know it was a fucking woman police officer.

This right in a J's point. This is strength in J. I know either. That just made J stronger. Hey, Camberz is Black Lou. And Monday on the bonfire, a certain Mr. Lou Witsky, couldn't make it to one of Dan's comedy shows because he had a date with a wonderful

Nigerian woman. Let's see what happens next. Dan Soder by the way. Yeah. I heard an amazing, amazing, awesome fun show. Yeah, do you thanks to everyone that came out of the areas at the Bellhouse. Bellhouse was so much fucking fun. Thanks to all the campers that came out. The scene was there. Jacob, Jacob showed a up late for that he was there for the hang But I yeah, uh, DJ Lou. I'm sure nothing going on. He made it right DJ Lou Yeah, you make it out to the Thursday show Dan Thursday big headline. I did not make it was a big big deal What happened? I had a date why couldn't you bring it to a wonderful show and everyone will look see you and be excited to meet you And one guy one guy who is legitimately six foot eight He's like cracklele. I am Ryan and we're talking and I'm like, you know, Jacob. I was like

There's Christine and he's like, oh shit. I was like, yeah, and he obviously saw Shane Cushain went up and then I was like Jacob's wandering around here the guy was like what? The guys like Jacobs here. I was like, yeah, fuck up. Dude. I swear to God. He was like, where is like I think he's at the bar He's like, oh, that's awesome. That's awesome. And then I saw him talking to Jacob later. I was like, yeah, fuck up dude. I swear to God he was like, where? I was like, he thinks he's at the bar. He's like, oh, that's awesome. That's awesome. And then I saw him talking to Jacob later. I was like, that's great. Man, what a fucking fun show. Thanks to all the campers that showed up. Why? Was DJ Lou not at your show. I don't know on the plug sheet for a long time. I said he had a date. I said I had a date.

Well, you could have made the date for a different night. Well, let me tell you something. Here's what's weird DJ Lou. I don't mean to call you out on your shit. The reason I knew you want a date is because Ramon Revis saw you On a date. What? Were you with the seller? I was around the seller. Yeah Wait, were you at the seller though? Did you go to the seller? No, I took her to the Jason bars to the cellar.

You mean like the fat black pussycat? No, no, no, no, I didn't use comedy. I took her to try to take her to a bar. There was too many college kids, so she took me to a jazz club right around the corner from the cellar. The blue note? No, different.

Right on the corner. Can't play a wall? No, this one's underground down the block from that. Cafe wall? No, not fan. Sorry, I'm not as cool as heroin to take your jazz musicians. a wall now this one's underground down the block from that cafe wall now not not sorry I'm sorry I'm not as cool as heroin to take the jazz musicians wow can you can you tell them how it started introduction oh she turned out to be a health nut I heard you're in love she's really healthy and I rolled up saying hello to her smoking a fucking cigarette yeah that is weird why would you

I'm not aware of that. Smoking is a bold move, dude. Because she was early and I didn't expect it to be early and I thought she was just a regular girl standing on the street kind of hot. And then all of a sudden, I just hit me. I'm like, oh, fuck this is hard.

Oh, no. But you started giving you a shit right away about it. No, but she, uh, she didn't look that unhappy about it. Did you make out? No, no, we just had, um, she wouldn't make out because of your cigarette. Yeah, it was pretty much a deal breaker. Louis Vuitt's, you test luck cigarette.

Did you let you finger with your left hand? Not your, you're all smoking in? Yeah, just. Okay. Man, I was about to be heartbroken if Louis would have gone, who's that the seller? If Louis was like I was at the seller, I'd be like, Dan, he was the seller.

There's no way he wasn't at the seller. There's no way he wasn't at the seller. There's no way he didn't at least stop by the seller. So I don't know what your conspiracy theory is. Have you heard of first sure when I'm by the seller? If you're saying this, I'm heading to the village underground right now. I can get the security tips. Listen to me, if it would have worked out,

I would have taken it into the seller, but I couldn't get that far because the fucking date was a bust. So your plan was a takeer to the seller. Hey, lover. What? Your plan was takeer of the cell. Hey, lover. What? Your plan was takeer of the cell. Yeah, how do we hit it off?

We did not. I even had a coughing fit in the middle of the fucking meal. Oh, it's fucking hilarious. I blamed it on like, I'm choking on an olive. I'm choking on an olive and you did nothing to save me. If you smell something, by the way, it goes, I didn't fart. I just didn't wipe very good. No, I don't wipe. I didn't fart, I don't wipe. I don't wipe. Yeah, I didn't fart, I just didn't wipe very good. I don't wipe.

I didn't fart, I don't wipe. I don't wipe. Yeah, I couldn't wipe worse, but she was fucking lovely. I love the security footage. Black woman. Yeah, man. So you were embarrassed to bring her around. White comedy.

White comedy, I guess. I thought you wouldn't get it, because you're racist. Oh, she liked comedy. You're like Thomas Jefferson, you just want to use him for fucking. Is it because you don't think they'll understand your life Your complex complicated life. She was very complex complicated. Nigerian woman I do not understand why you're a smoke cigarettes. Yeah, you are walk up to me and you are using If you are in my village, I would have to put you out into the ocean

Yeah, I very on the other man. Yes had an Erica Bob do rap. Yeah, she took her ear buds in here. Today left, today left, everything on a box, today left. You better call, taro. Call him. He's like, hey, what's up big mama? Yeah. Hey, there's my newbie and queen. Hey, bunny. She's like queen bunny. Yeah. Yeah, I was upset though, because she was hot. Well, you shouldn't have fucking walked. You're walking on full-till black chick. You shouldn't.

Nigerian's pretty black. You shouldn't have walked up with a cigarette and your teeth going hot. See, I'm not saying hot. I hear you, how? You tell me Nigerian chick, I'm picturing God-free with micro-brains. Yeah.

Why did you pull up Justice Pretty as Godfrey? Why did you pull up with the cigarette? Because I was waiting for her and I was nervous. Did you didn't realize you were standing right next to her? Yeah, well she was wearing like a classy upscale dress. We didn't fit that way either. Also you smoke mara lights and if she wasn't a menthol, I probably bummed her out too.

What are you talking about? She's Nigerian. Huh? She's Nigerian. Nigerian health nut. Mara lights and if she wasn't a man thought I probably bummed her out to She's Nigerian, huh? She's Nigerian Nigerian health nut right so she would have been like yeah Newport stuff do the trick that's for Americans. Yeah, no It's a basic racist joke I think we were gonna I was gonna try to change it to be the part I was gonna try to change it to her the part. I was gonna try to change it to her smoking be Yeah, not smoking a leaf are you May I please have a drink of that? It's chewing coca leaves Yeah, I have some of that please. Yeah, I look like a very wise man. I teeth are all ground down. She didn't like you. What does she do?

She's in a computer So she's Nigerian health men then the computers so the opposite of you Wow, that seems very very sometimes the VCR makes a noise and I punch it She's bringing her she's bringing the shark tank her own personal line of mosquito nets What if she just falls in love with Lou and this is it? What if this is it, dude? What is it? I give it my best shot. I don't know what else I could have done besides not smoke I love you. He's no idea. He's no idea afterwards. He's no idea. Pair jam is sick until none. Yeah, make me a very rich man Did you invite her to come over and watch Madigah's boo too?

No, I I mean you run on you only have it for 72 hours on Amazon though. I could get Ernest goes to jail show her your culture We have for 72 hours on Amazon though. We could get Ernest goes to jail show her your culture. I I invited her to the comedy seller and she In my opinion pretended I told you Goats, why it's comedians wait what you invited her to the comedy seller? Yes, well if because I didn't know which it was gonna go yet

I thought I was doing a good job and then I should a double parker elephant. She pretended she pretended she was drunk and she had to go. Oh, she pretended she drunk, was she a bad actress? She had five sips of a girl drink. I'm all whacked out. Oh no, I'm so drunk, I better get home. I feel sick.

All right, she's like, oh, by Lou Wakanda forever. Yeah, she goes, I'm not even Nigerian. She goes, I'm from Illinois. Western Illinois. I hope she gives Lou a bad excuse that he wants to believe because she went back to Wakanda He goes so send you see I did go back to the house in emergency, so hopefully when she comes back I'll see her Apparently she was given to another guy and if they didn't get married to tribes would fight So I had to give up my lady. She's a salon the next day working. She's like girl, I had to tell this.

Oh my god. Crazy shit last night. She's a swear to god. I swear to god if Joe Kammel was a man, this was this mother bird. Lou, have you pulled a black woman like in the sack yet? When I was younger, I used to data go name Shuga. That's fucking hilarious.

Shuga? Shuga with an A, with an A at the end. the end legal name government name I didn't see any papers, but was it SHU? I never had a spell it sugar. Sugar. Sugar. Um, sugar really what does she look like? You know What does that mean? I don't know if you have a troll hair What does that mean? I don't know. She has a little hair, she has a troll hair. Are you supposed to do that? With the wish-nic troll hair?

I see his little chubby hair. I picture she's 400 pounds in a troll hair. Yeah. She was nice. She was a nice person. How long did you date her for? A couple nights in a row. A couple nights in a row?

What kind of fucking years? You know, I dated some girl for a while. I dated you for three times. I rested my head next to her for three days. I'm so happy. His days in my. I rested my head next to her for three days and some of the happiest days of my life. And then what happened? Waking up to my sugar.

You had the killer for a pimp found out? Yeah, I never heard from her again. I don't know. You never heard from her again? She just up and disappeared. Right into Tina. I swore to God. Everything in me hopes to God.

She has your baby somewhere. Oh my God. How many years ago was it? She was 20. She was 20 baby somewhere. Oh my God. How many years ago was it? She was 20. She's 20 years old. Oh my God. 20 year old half black half black white blue. She goes, I mean my baby can identify in sound clips. Literally it's crazy. This motherfucker is always recording people and playing a little clips back. You know that you know that Polish people got some strong assiemen. I had sex with one white guy. He smoked Marbeiro just like a daddy. Wow 20 years ago she up and disappeared. I wasn't looking for her. No okay. It wasn't let it just fucking deadbeat. You don't want to take care of this kid? Sugar

Junior? Sugar Witsky? When do you... Sugar Witsky? Hit a child, sure. You know if you don't have any chance in naming it, it's gonna be something great. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Hey, it's Big J. O'Grasson, and I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire.

You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th-8 PM Eastern on Comedy Central Radio Series XM95 or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bond Fire at 6M. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.