The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Morbidly Obese Acting

Episode Date: January 9, 2025

Bobby takes offence when Jay says that he's not a scary enough actor and also morbidly obese. They improv a gangster scene to prove Bob's acting chops. Christine is absent and Jay might be treating Bobby as he would her. They browse pajamas and robes to buy. Bob unearths a clip of Robert Reed (aka Mr. Mike Brady) in a tv movie where he transitions into a woman in a gown. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly 80s voice ready this guy has to fade into the background of the doctors big time Lou But now I come back again While I'm fighting hard to write the next line Oh, I want the truth to be said This much is true I know this much is true This much is true. Yes, much is true. Yes, much is true. All those 80's songs, they did that sound, the guy from ABC, same voice. That's the look, the look of love.

I love that song. Yeah. Man, there's so much passion that comes out of it. Yeah, skinny blonde guys from Europe. They knew how to bring that heat. General Public, is that the tenderness? Put on tenderness, Lou. That's another one.

I don't know where to start, where to stop. Uh. And while I'm about to lose my shit. Is General Public the right name? Oh, come on, this makes you feel good, though. This is getting off in a car alone. Yeah. You have like a Mexican coke you just popped off the top. I just don't know where to start My life's a little bit messed up But I'm still here

I'm a little bit worried I don't know where to go I'm still stuck with my tangerines I'm still so blue On natural instruments Isn't that the rain stick from Crocodile Dundee? Is that the? Why are you so?

I don't like it. This is a song played when uh, when they were driving home after bringing the girls home in Weird Science. And uh, fucking Wyatt grabbed the hold of uh, Heidi's ass. I bigger fan of the brown haired girl by far. I bet the aging process has hit them both differently. I think we looked this up a long time ago. But I like the brunette from Weird Science more than...

Deb and Hilly. I like Deb. Yeah. Not a fan of the robot that you created. I'm with you, Jay. Kelly LeBrock? If you you look back small boobies Yes, small bum and teeth Big fucking European English teeth. They really they made a choice with her when they made her for sure

But I'll say this she aged horrifically. Yes Her head has the dimensions of a dreidel. It's fucking there's a flat surface on all four sides I don't know how she did it. She was a really does have top head Yeah, I think she was karate by fucking Steven Seagal in their relationship though. I think karate to her a lot No, maybe I was wrong. She looks alright. No, she was smoking hot in the movie Here's the thing and what you're saying Bobby is true and you're a little older than me But the problem with this was she was too Much I guess that ended up being the point of the thing. They made a woman and you're a little older than me, but the problem with this was she was too much,

I guess that ended up being the point of the thing. They made a woman and these were teen boys. Yeah, well, they didn't figure out code yet. They didn't know how to figure out code. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, somehow turning this woman on from their house, if you hook a doll up to your computer, somehow it opens up a nuclear warhead or something.

Yeah, they added a couple too many zeros and ones. Goddamn Wyatt aged terribly. Judy Aronson that's her name she actually held together pretty well. Which one's that? Is that uh? That's Hilly. Hilly oh no that's what I'm saying I liked Hilly more than Deb I'm sorry. Oh for sure. Yeah I was a hilly guy she did, but man, it is just seeing age on both of them, right? Damn. The great Bill Paxton. Time, undefeated again. And Robert is looking old. Nice big win. Robert Downey Jr. is getting up there, baby.

He is old, but it's gone great all the time. Yep. He went to jail for a little bit. He had one rough time, but in his mind he was partying and killing it. Well, the other guy too, Anthony Michael Hall, was in a lot of trouble at one point too. Was he? Yeah dude, my web guy from Kansas City, remember he used to have those crazy websites? Oh yeah.

My website's in St. Kurt Iverson, who lived in Kansas City, was friends with him. He lived in like Kansas City somewhere, and he started being friends with Anthony Michael Hall when he wasn't working. Like when he went from little young boy to perverted man. He had a rough patch. He had a patch of perversion. But what trouble did he get into? Well, well... Black Lou, if you please could look up Anthony Michael Hall. Christine's not here today because she's under the weather. He got into I think assault or some shit. Yeah, there you go. Anthony Michael Hall sentenced's not here today because... He got into, I think, assault or some shit. Yeah, there you go.

Anthony Michael Hall sentenced to three years probation for assault. Got into an argument that ended up with him pushing the man to the ground. Oh, he ain't a nerd no more. No. This ain't the breakfast club, cocksucker. He really did go, I mean, his... Talk about a boyish, like, impishly happy face of a teenager

to growing into a grizzled detective face older guy. I mean, Andy McHaul's face has gotten very, it's intense. Well, he never smiles. That's his smile, he's happy there. He's the police chief in SVU. No, he's not, but doesn't it look like him? That's gotta be him.

No, it's a different guy. That guy was actually in Yellowstone, believe it or not. Get outta here. He was one of the brothers who opened the casino. The guy with the blue eyes. Right, the short one. Who will not kiss a woman. No, no, no.

No, no, no. Oh, the other guy. Not the one he was, his brother. Not the main, it was two brothers, the little short squat brother. Not the one with the crazy looking face. The husky eyes? Yeah.

He has the Alaskan husky eyes. Yes, not him. Yeah, he. Tommy McGrath, there you go. But doesn't look exactly like Anthony McGrath. He looks identical to him. That's crazy, bro. It exactly like anything. I mean he looks identical to it's crazy It's very difficult. I'm gonna suck with him. I'm gonna suck because he's I run into the same thing with Dominic Alon Bon Doce get this dominant Dominic Alon Bon Bon Doce. Oh, okay. Is that a thing?

The guy you know him right? Yeah, we? He gets all the rolls that I would get. What's he in? The wire. Right there, right there, you know. He's in a lot of stuff. Oh yeah. Now Tulsa King, I believe. Mystic River.

Tulsa King now, yeah. We would go out for a lot of the same parts. Mystic River, dude. We had the same agent too, at I think Paradigm of CAA, or no, it was Gersh. We had the same agent. Do not take this the wrong way. I will take it the wrong way

Okay, I won't say because no use I want you to say it now. I when somebody says the wrong way when somebody says respectfully This is nothing to respect. Okay, I want I won't take it the wrong way. I won't If you take this right You could by the way, I like to say Christine not being here today. The only thing I'm concerned about is that she enters the weekend Down three pivots and there's not really any coming back from that Well, she doesn't have it she could have had today maybe to really she really could have showed up today and shown up big

Yeah, well, I maybe got herself out of pivot debt, but she finds herself. I mean fucking nuts deep Yeah, she owes me three pivots Well, she might be sick because she didn't get pivots. I didn't consider that She might not be feeling well because also she got the love she got the loner pivot in which I mean It's just everyone's touching this thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she might be looking cuz of that town bike Although let me take a look at here. What's the Christine's the only person's ever filled it out But I did date it and initially each time she just gave it back. So it is where it belongs Now it's fine. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I shall not let you do that

But you're not gonna take it. Well, I said you don't know that I said I'll take it. Well, I will take it the right way What does that mean? That's open to interpretation. It is and if you ask it the right way you might get a pivot Every thing I've seen this guy in Requires him beat you being like a real townie tough guy and For a large portion of your life, you were morbidly obese and not scary looking like that guy. He was like one of Sean Penn's goons.

Did you just call me? What? Morbidly? At a time, yes. Obese? At a time. You felt the need to add morbid. Yeah.

In front of obese. It wasn't just obese, it was a kind of obese that like brought the energy of a place down. Morbid. This guy had to be like a kick-ass guy for Sean Penn and Mystic River. Right. Or the techie, it was just this guy has the, your voice isn't like, he's got that God given townie voice too. Hey, we're gonna do the thing with the guys.

The fuck are you talking about? No. The fuck are you talking about? Right, that guy's not that scary. The fuck are you talking, hey, hey, hey, look at me, look at me, look at me you fucking cuck sack, what the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck, who you calling fucking morbidly obese?

You fucking, the fucking cot, fucking cocksucker you are. Fucking pot calling the kettle fucking black. What the fuck is that? I'll tell you what that was. I'm not feeling it. Two pivots. No, I take it back, I changed that. I don't think you're gonna play him.

Give me the fucking pivots over here. You're not gonna get you're not gonna get his One of those pivots is a loner. I'm sorry. Give that one back, please Your goddamn right you're good. Yes, thank you Jacob who the fuck you say fucking you ain't buying but here's the thing. I'm the fucking I'm a cocksucker I'm buying it, but you're the less scary guy. He's the guy. You answer to him, though. So I walk behind him. You walk behind him. You're the other guy. I drove.

But they say, but when he called, we need the boys, they say him and you. I come. You come. But I do die first. You're gonna die first, yeah. Or they kill the other guy, the tougher guy, because he's scarier looking,

and they allow you to let you pay yourself in front of them, and they allow you to go back and tell the story. Right, but they do take a pinky or a finger. They do, they humiliate you and send you on your way to a life of ridicule. And then I run back and I get killed by the boss boss, because I, how did you get the fuck away? Yeah, I didn't go.

How did they kill him, and why are you here? You must have told them something. I didn't tell him anything No, but there's no reason they kill him and let you go They let me go to get back here and tell you what the fuck they meant to do They would have sent the message by killing both of you listen Vinnie. I Swear to God fucking believe what I say when I say it. There's nothing I could have fucking done There's nothing I could have done. Okay, if I could have done it, I would have fucking done it. He was my friend Tell you cuz I'm fucking loyal. I'm fucking loyal. Send me back. You send me back with Vincenzo, and you send me back with Michael,

and I'll fucking take care of these cocksuckers, and they won't get away with it. Hey, listen. Relax. Relax. You had a hard day. Go back. Go upstairs with the girls.

You get yourself a little pussy. You get yourself some food. You get yourself a drink, and you take it easy, OK? Hey, hey. Thank you. Stevie, you guys take him easy. Okay. Hey, hey, thank you Hey, you guys take him upstairs. You take care of him. Okay. Hey look what he doesn't walk out of that room What what'd you say? Huh? Huh? I said go up you treat yourself. You get yourself nice. You get yourself a plate or something Yes, thank you so much. You're going crazy over here. I need some a little hungry cuz I'm morbidly obese

I mean if I wasn't so fat I could have done something. I'm gonna losely obese. You know what I mean? If I wasn't so fat, I could have done something. I'm gonna lose weight, I swear to God. That's what I'm saying! I'm gonna get stomach surgery! And I'm gonna get Dominic Lombardi's fucking rolls! Dominic Lombardi rolls? Yeah, you get a point. Jay, you get a valid point. I will accept your point, and you have a valid point.

I was a little bigger than him. I've looked also, I've just looked at movies at parts I've gone out before before, and then you see it, and you're like, oh, this went to like some fucking jacked guy. He was supposed to be big and scary, actually. Instead of a big jolly idiot like me. Hey, other white supremacist, let's go destroy this store.

I'm not, no one's buying it. It's so funny because I've been in so many different things at so many different weight ranges. Even if you watch me on Law and Order, all the episodes I've done, I'm so, I'm physically a different person. Yeah, that should be in your special skills in your resume, weight yo-yoing.

I can juggle. I'm really good at weight yo-yoing. I can regular yo-yo and I can weight yo-yo. Both things. I can walk the dog and now I can walk the dog again. I'm willing to put on 72 pounds in one week for this role. I'm also willing to have innards removed if it'll make me get this role. You don't understand how bad I want this.

I did an audition today, my second one in seven years. Zoom. Zoom. And it was fine, but it was just like, completely, they must be just looking at people. Let me ask you a question. When you did the Zoom, because I've done them, are you looking at the camera,

or are you looking at the person reading with you on the screen? It was one and the same, they were right in front of me. In the case, cause I was told by somebody, give it to the camera, look right at the lens because they're looking at you and if you're looking down just a little bit you look blind. Oh yeah, but my camera, my thing's a beard,

I have a set for that with Zoom and everything. Right, it's an awkward thing to learn how to Zoom audition. But what's just awkward is that it's completely a straight three lines. Like there's nothing funny in the writing at all. I think on purpose, that's what I'm saying. Can you give us a variation of the lines, but not the lines?

Yeah, oh, what a night, gang. And then someone's gonna go, yeah, that was amazing. And then I go, oh, I'll put the thing in our group thread. So I'm like, nah, you don't have to do that. Or someone goes, put someone else in that group thread. And I go, what's your number? And they go, nah, I'm not gonna join the group thread.

All right, you know, maybe I will. But that wasn't even me. I'm the person who just says, go great job everybody and then I'm the person who goes hey I'll put the clips from tonight in the chain, and then I go oh, yeah, what's your number? Those are my three lines and that you had to do it. That's hard. That's harder than actually remembering a Chunk of dialogue given one or two lines is a hard. It's just chunk of dialogue, given one or two lines, is a hard, difficult. It's just, it was go nowhere.

But, you know, we'll see. We'll see what happens. I say you got it. Probably already got it, obviously. You already got it. Absolutely. Probably. You got it. I was playing a stand-up.

Really? Yeah, so more important, I don't know what that was. So I said that was more of like hearing voice and seeing face. And then I think the rest was, they're sending stand-up over. Right. Sort of sending my special

and one of my crowd work specials that are done sitting in the arms of Netflix, casually waiting to never watch it. Although I did do a move. I waited a few weeks, uh, with Netflix. After I got sent to them, and then I texted Robbie, the guy we know over there, and I was like, hey, now that Tony Hinchcliffe

didn't get murdered or ruin Netflix, we could, now's a great time, probably watch those Groundwork specials. Which was nothing, nothing back. Yeah, Netflix is a weird place. They just launched Adrienne Appaloochie's special. I know, so funny. Really funny.

She's so good. She's really good, man. She's a funny broad. Yeah, really right Right. I mean just fucking uncomfortable stand up. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. She goes. There's one great title Dark Queen Yeah, I mean really great. I really like her really like her a lot. I mean, you know To hang out with her is kind of sad and depressing. I went to Louie's Leah's Louie's assistant, Leah, her wedding.

And we sat next to each other at the wedding. It was, you know, it was like sitting next to a suicidal aunt. She's like, it's nice to see people happy since we're all gonna die. Yeah, exactly. Oh, God. Maybe I should have some cake

before I hang myself in the bathroom. There's that thing that said you and her, you were her. We're the same person. Yeah. Oh yeah, can we watch that? That guy. Total bitch. But he totally. Total bitch strikes again.

I can't, I love this. You got soda on it, you see sodas? You got soda on a green one? I think you got Metzger, which I haven't seen Metzger's yet. No. I'd almost be happy to watch the Metzger one. Yeah. Bring, bring, mine, mine was so fucking funny.

Cause I was, he did one with me, but then he did a second one. No, you have to go to YouTube for these. Is this YouTube? No, it's from the Total Bitch Instagram. No, go to YouTube, go to YouTube. Fans have reported is what it is. And I didn't know what angle he was gonna take

And he's so on the money so I mean if you if you look at her and you look at me, it's She is me and I am he Harder time playing you for Halloween, but you could play her for oh my god I could play I should have played her time playing you for Halloween, but you could play her for Halloween. Oh my God, I could play, I should have played her for Halloween. Get some big glasses on you.

Yeah, get some big gazoobas, some big Italian gaz, big Jew Italian gazoobs. She yo-yos too, man. Weight? Yeah. I remember she lost weight and then called me fat at the cellar one night. And then I knew I was getting the surgery, so like a year later, came back in and she put a flopped she put all the weight back on

I just looked her up and down Yeah, it's very pretty quick. Oh, it is really kind of she's what's it called? Unconventionally good-looking was pretty which he shows picture when she puts pictures up like throwback pictures like high school I would have been all about Adrian Appalooch high school, for sure. I'll bang your mom. I just wanna say the ones on Instagram are kinda concise. This is like a five minute video here. Yeah, put them on Instagram with me. Oh, I didn't know they have them separate.

Yeah, put that one right here. This one's great. This is me, what is it again, Jay? It's called Total Bitch Channel on Instagram and YouTube. But this one is where he, you just gotta listen to it. It's great. Run into trouble.

You see the art of association is a tactic to help you climb a social ladder. What happens when you reach the top? Well now that Bobby is more famous than ever. He can't just change his story and become whatever the audience wants and it's become exceedingly clear that Bobby Kelly doesn't have any material of his own fans have reported going to his stand-up shows only to find Bobby running out of material 10 minutes in

and doing strange endurance challenges for the rest of the set. That is true. I did 50 push-ups last week. Endurance challenges. So funny. That is true, I do run out 10 minutes in. He's just doing strange endurance challenges.

Some think Bobby's on the downward trend I started to wonder if this too could be an act and that's when I read this TNN article that alleged Bobb Kelly may be pulling some type of long con where he essentially kills off his own career But only because he's secretly been building another Is actually really just Bobby Kelly Kelly had mastered the art of association You think Helen Hong The photo of my face on it and then it just goes to her actual photo. It's the exact same face

Me and her are the exact same fat right now So good. Yeah, play it. There's plenty more strange things about this guy. Bobby has run into trouble. Yeah, yeah. Play the soda one, I wanna see the soda one. Yeah, he got soda pretty fucking funny.

This guy's good, man. This guy's fucking hilarious. For a few months, Dan believed his friend would come to his senses and come back to their backyard wrestling domination. But that's when he saw it. His former wrestling partner, Lou the Bagel Baga, had a hit song on MTV. And this was of course shocking to Dan, who didn't even know his friend played music or wore fedoras.

It was like he was living through a nightmare. You see, up until now, Mamba music was Dan Soder's favorite and part of his entire identity. And though Dan didn't consider himself a songwriter. He had written a song called Mambo number four Not only betrayed him but stolen his entire identity Dan was an important number four Does anybody in the business have a more adorable face? Than fucking Dan so does your rom-com face my lord his eyes are magical. He's got rom-com face. My lord, his eyes are magical. He's ready to fall in love with a sweet girl

who just wears t-shirts, but she's pretty. Yeah. But she's a regular old girl. Yeah, he's ready to adopt another dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She ran off to the big city, but then she came back and then Dan's just still there with his tucked inin button-down shirt

on the ranch where she left him. Oh, those eyes are dreamy, man. Yeah, he's a real dreamboat. He really is. Those little creases around his... I smile 24 hours a day. You wore a beard, looked fantastic, shaved it off, looked fantastic. When he sleeps, he sleeps with a smile.

He's just a little smirk Yeah, I'm Dan. Everything's gonna be alright. Everything's okay You think back in the 80s Dan would already be like on some hit sitcom. Oh Without a doubt who would he be on threes company? Would he be Jack? Mr. Furley or Larry? Mm-hmm question Jack really? Yeah, who would you be? Larry I'd be m Jack. Really? Yeah. Who would you be? Larry. I'd be Mrs. Roper. Yeah.

Stanley. Stanley. Stanley. And then, yeah. And then you could be Mr. Roper. You could always say something about how disgusting Bobby's pussy is and then lay off the camera. The Roper, the Roboclose? The turnaround?

I'll take that. Norman Fell? When he broke the floor of the wall? Yeah. That was the greatest. He'd look at you? No, I'll take that. Norman fell. When he broke the floor wall? Yeah. It was the greatest. He'd look at you? No, I'd be Larry for sure. There's some girls, the regal beagle, and they're almost unconscious.

We can put them in our trunks. Hey, there's stewardesses down there. We could try to fuck them because they're so stupid. I tell you what. That was what the regal beagle was for. Fucking drunk stewardesses. And they're always foreign. But the bartender was in on it.

He would actually spike their drinks Oh, yeah, what was the bartender's name? Did he have a guy there was something right they used to call out his ass name Charlie something like that Was the bartender the regal beagle? Yeah, what a name early did he? Pre-did he did he regal the regal beagle? Steve the bartender Jim the bartender Steve the bartender, Jim the bartender.

Oh, Mike the bartender. Chris, on the different episode titles, I love that. If you know Three's Company episodes by episode titles, you're an ass. You're a dumb ass. What was one of the episode titles? Jack on the Lamb or Chrissy and the Guru? Or the episode of Jack Goes the Distance?

So funny, they have to name, like, podcasts. I know. What are we gonna name this? Or the episode of Jack Goes the Distance. So funny, they have to name, like, podcasts. Oh, I know. What are we gonna name this? Well, yeah, that's the... What was the... Is that Friends? It's the one with whatever? Yes. The one with... The one with... Yeah.

Black Lou, you're not supposed to be the one who says yes first. I try to let the audience not hear that and say anybody else say yes first. Any white guys want to say yes but Friends before Black Lou loses his black rights? Can I just say something right now? Black Lou is murdering it.

I've never seen stuff come up this fast on the fucking screen in my life. I mean, it sounds like a woodpecker rubbing that keyboard. I mean, he hasn't looked. Christine's probably listening live at home and so upset. He hasn't looked at his fucking phone

or put lip gloss on. Jay, it's like he's reading your thoughts. No. Um, Christine doesn't wear lip gloss. Oh, come on, stop sticking up. I'm making jokes. Yeah, you're gonna get her fired. No, no, no, no, no.

If she does, though, I want it to be known that it was Bobby that did this. I would never get Christine fired. Christine, if you're home right now holding your tummy, even though you would try desperately to come in, Bobby's happy you're not here. I am not happy she's not here. I love when Christine's here.

You prefer... Can you do me a favor and not make me Christine today? You like to see it. Can you not treat me like you treat Christine? You make me out to sound like a real fucking scummy slob. You do. You do make her sound like that. And it's fucking terrible.

Well, she's home today, so better be clean when I get back. Yeah, that's probably my fault Is her fault? You know what I need real Christine here, I don't like I can't win a fight against fucking computer Christine You can't hit her. Yeah, I can't hit stupid boards not gonna matter. It's gonna break something charge me money. You have black little hit back Yeah, the one where, the one where. Yeah, and then always sunny was the gang something. The gang does something.

But the rest of them, you know, like the episode, the episode where people get molested on TV shows always have a name, like whatever the name of bicycle Pete molesting Dudley and Arnold is called something hot. Yeah. Yeah, the sexy episode It's called different strokes after hours. They put a way of the children parents Sam before we are this episode You might want to put a pillow on your lap Yeah, you don't get hard in front of your classmates Do you know son? I

to get hard in front of your classmates do you now son? Do you now son? I told I might have mentioned this before there was another very special episode of different strokes where Dudley's father has a lung removed and then at the end of it he's Dudley's terrified and he said I'm gonna be alright son don't worry about it. Now he walks out of the Drummond's house and lights up a cigarette and it ends. Oh the dad lights up amond's house and lights up a cigarette and it ends. Oh, the dad lights up a cigarette. The dad lights up a cigarette, he still doesn't give up smoking.

Cause he's a man. That's right. He's a goddamn man. That was the 80s, it was a death sentence anyway. Yeah, but it was already a death sentence, it's fine. Might as well smoke it out. Yeah, smoke it out, go out like a man. He'll grow up, he'll grow up fine.

Yeah. Did you see the, I sent the episode. Dudley, as it covered the whole of his throat. Dudley, I'm sorry I sat back. I was buying cigarettes when you got molested by Bicycle Pete. Well, did you see the episode I sent in with Mr. Brady did a made-for-TV movie, I believe it was. Where he went trans, Robert Reed.

Where he went trans. He ended up being gay in life, right? He was gay in life the whole time. Oh, really? Yeah, it wasn't like a hidden that one's great, but yeah Yeah, that seems like a thing that was a hidden Hollywood now. It's so funny though, because he's such he's still mr. Brady He's just looks like Alice It's so fun Kids, I've got something to tell you. Oh, this is it right here. He's dressed like a man-man back then.

Suit. Overcoat, topcoat. Men always back then wore robes when they were home with their suit shirt underneath. I got a robe from Fully Loaded this year. Fully Loaded to where they sent it. Seems like might be my robe. Might be the robe. What is it? I don't know, but it feels really good

when you put it on. So maybe I'll become a robe person when I get out of apartment living. It's not, a robe's not for an apartment. No. A robe is for a house. A robe's for a home. When you have to walk from room to room.

Yeah. And then go get the mail like Tony Soprano. Yes. And walk out and in your flip flops. And just wear a nice robe. Yeah, what's up buddy? I don't like robes either. Are you supposed to be naked in a robe? No. No.

Or is there underwear? No, you have your pajamas. Well women will do. Your evening attire. Women will do naked robe because when they get out of the shower and stuff, it's like a terry cloth robe kind of thing. No, I would say robe is more for morning go outside,

but I'm also like a morning go outside. Like, I'm already wearing basketball shorts and a sleeveless shirt. That's like the robe of cool people. Yeah, but if you wore a robe, if I saw you outside of your building in a robe with basketball shorts and one of your T-shirts, that'd look badass.

No, in my building, I look like they would come and try to get me off the block. Sarah, what are you doing? Have you escaped from somewhere? Kirby Allison wears a robe at night and preparing for his morning, for the day. When he shaves, he wears his robe. Yeah, because he doesn't wanna get his PJs,

anything on it. Right. You know what I do want? So he can get something. I want a smoking robe. I do my shaving. That's what it is basically. It's a smoking robe.

A lot of guys used to wear smoking robes. They'd go into the club, take their jacket off, put the smoking jacket on, so they would get the smoke on the smoking jacket. I would love a smoking jacket. I'll get you a smoking jacket. Ooh, look at that. I'd love to get you a smoking jacket.

That red one, the quilted one to the right. Right there, that's a smoking jacket. I'll get you a smoking jacket. Oh look at that. I'd love to get you a smoking jacket. That red one, the quilted one to the right. Right there. That's a smoking jacket. Is quilted the right answer? I think so. I mean you really don't need to correct it but if you want to want to get detailed. Okay I'm gonna get you a smoking robe. Okay. Nice smoking robe for your shed. I'm gonna get you something. $2,000 robe. That's an advertisement for something. Ties. A $2,000 robe? That's an advertisement for something. Ties. A $2,000 robe? It's an advertisement for ties. Send Jay that link. Oh, shoot. Sorry, Jay.

Ha-ha. Um, let me see. Yeah, no, I don't want to look like that guy at all. Ha-ha-ha. That guy seems like an asshole. Ha-ha-ha. Good. Why is his neck a foot and a half long? He's got a long neck. He has good posture.

Is that the gay gentleman you guys follow? Yes. And see what he does? That is Kirby Lassman, who went to Cuba by the way Yeah, and Jacob sent me I also go try to find cigars in the middle of the darkness He let me easier time for such well. Here's the problem with this I would say there's a black version of that that our good friend Luis J. Gomez already has and it's

Versace I have a pair of Versace sunglasses. Outside that, Versace's not my thing. A giant Medusa head isn't my logo, I'd say. Yeah, I would say that. Some people like it. I do like that middle Versace Wild. Of course. It's like a cheetah. It's like a pink black cheetah.

That's the one I would wear if I was gonna wear one. With a, I don't know, like a Roman Empress belt. Yeah, almost like a geisha of some sort. Yeah, that looks hot. I like the sleeves on that. I could see you in that. But yeah, but Louis has a black Versace robe. $950.

Is that all? Well, it's a robe though. You're gonna love the feel. Well, I can only speak for Kirby's. This one is 100% English silk. Yeah, here's the thing about silk. It's not holding any qualities of robe though, at that point.

That's pure look. Well, you're supposed to wear your- 36 ounce. Your Dick Van Dyke PJs underneath it. Right. You know, the button down top PJs with the pants. Does he wear full pajamas, Kirby Alson? Yes.

Yes. He's being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole. Now why do you say that? Well, a gentleman wears full pajamas. Because nobody wears pajamas full pajamas. Nobody wears button-down pajamas Hey, you know be really good to sleep in a long-sleeve button-down shirt and fucking sweatpants. Have you tried it? Yes, you've tried the we all tried it when we were younger Absolutely someone bought you a pajama set and you put a fucking pajama set on you felt like a jerk-off and you slept Uncomfortable and the pants twisted around,

the buttons were all fucking stretched. It sucked. I never did that. I had the onesie with the feetsies. How old were you? I was 13. No, I was young. You asked Christine what it was?

Yeah, she sent it. Oh, is that it? That's the robe? This robe is nice. Why is it nice? I had some of the, look at the sleeves first of all. You see it nice? I had some of the material. Look at the sleeves, first of all. You see it's got actual, like, at the wrists.

Oh, it's got the elastic wrists. Elastic wrists. Like a hoodie. Yes. That's a hoodie robe. It's a hoodie robe. And it's really, it lays heavy, but it's thin. Does that make sense?

It lays very heavy, though. Yeah, it was a very good description. Thank you. I liked it. It's almost like it's like cool, but warm. It is. God, you're a very good description. Thank you. I liked it. I'm not even describing. It's like cool but warm. It is. God, you're so giddy because Paul Verz, he's coming in. Both guys love each other.

I do. Both people love each other so hard. I do love, he's Italian, I'm Italian. I might start to, sometimes I get around Italian people. I get a little more, a little more giddy. Oh God, are you guys gonna fungool it up in here? But you know, you know... You know I assimilate. I assimilate.

I'm an assimilator. When I'm around people, I turn into those people. Just, you know... Matthew McConaughey just said on Two Bears, One Cave that that's what a dork is. Call me whatever you want. He said a nerd is cool, but a dork is somebody who just tries to be like Paul Verzik, because

he's Italian. I started talking Italian like him. You guys are gonna be doing this to each other. We're gonna be doing it. We're gonna be using a handsay. Hey, Stu Gotz. Stu Gotz. This is the clip of...

Robert Reed? Buddy. This is Brady Father. This is a movie. What's the movie called? Medical Center. Medical Center. Mike Brady.

Where he transitions, but the... Well, he announces he's gonna transition. He's gonna announce it, but then they cut to, when they cut to him at the end, it's so jarring to me. Does it look like one of the prisoners, the Kamala Harris, that she gets sex changes? Yeah, dude, it's fucking nuts, man.

Because they didn't... Those pictures are my favorite thing ever. You figure they had the makeup that they could have gone a little further with it, you know what I mean? Yeah, it was the 70s. Yeah, they did not. They did not. This is definitely TV magic.

This is on a budget. This is a budget. A softness that comes with ingesting one estenol, five milligrams daily, as well as one Pervura, 10 milligrams daily for two years. Is everybody Robert Reed in the scene What you saying to me, Ben? I've been taking female hormones

That's why I came home I've completed the hormonal phase of sexual reassignment And I want the surgical end of it before the medical center. You're telling me you want to become a woman? Wait, wait for it. Wait for it. TV close up. Holy shit.

I would have been so happy if you had just said that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. TV close up. Ah. Laughter. Holy shit. I would have screamed. I'm a beautiful lady now. I love that she's sitting by the window looking at the lights of the city.

I'm very happy now that I've become a lady. I love that when you transition you think you have to do lady things. Yeah. I'll be here. He goes, oh, let me go by my fainting couch I'm getting flushed who put these pipes here get them out this Where's my tea Oh Deary I say oh dearie now. Oh dearie. I know it's hot inside

I had open the window because you have to wear a scarf around my neck So what happens why he leaves his wife takes the kids hooks up with some other lady He's got three kids the kids are the older two kids are probably fucking and then this guy fucking gets a pussy He doesn't he doesn't doesn't he look like Alice. Yeah, really really doesn't we Alice it looks exactly his and be Davis Yeah, Alice's He really does look like Alice. It looks exactly like his. And B. Davis? Yeah, Alice's stupid haircut. I like how only serial killers Lewis and Alice are the people who give a shit about their middle initial in life.

And B. Davis, Louis J. Gomez. What a fucking trip, man. Yikes. I mean, I never heard of this, but this must have been, I mean, really edgy back in the day. And this had to be after Brady Bunch. You don't get Brady Bunch. Well back then it's so funny like now you'd hear the happy Brady Bunch music when someone goes I think I'm turning into a woman they go

Bumki-dink-a-bum-pa-dink-a-dink Dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-do-do-do-do. Oh, my nose. He goes, Alice, Alice, I got to tell you something. He goes, I'm sorry. I keep making that mistake, but I'm your mother father. By the way, that wasn't a movie. That was a TV series around from 69 to 76. Oh, really? No, he's 69, dude.

So he didn't even, it wasn't even a movie. He just did a TV episode. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it's episodic. Holy shit. Yeah, this is like going back and playing like a terrible pedophile rapist on S4U, and then you pop. You get popular.

Oh, shit. So this is before Brady Bunch? No. This is after Brady. It has to be after Brady. Did you ever see the Martin Short Law and Order S4U? No. When he's multiple personalities?

No. And then when he gives the final reveal at the end, he starts talking, he's like, you know I'm that, that, that. Bring up Martin Short, please, when it's for you. It was such a dumb role for Martin Short. But it was him taking his, he was making a dramatic turn, I think this is called, in films, a dramatic turn.

When things stopped getting funny, it started getting real. Yeah, everybody has to do it. Do you remember Tammy from the real world? No. You do, yeah? Tammy, she was season two, it was San Fran, right? And that was the one where David Edwards,

you remember David Edwards? Yeah, David Edwards was a fucking real pain in my ass for a long time. He was a pain in a lot of people's ass for a long time. He went crazy because- He made me, he went to Boston and he's like, yo man, can I, I got a plan in the morning. Can I live there for three weeks?

Basically, dude. Yeah, he did the curt. He came to my house, he's like, just let me hang there for a little bit. Came back to the house on 97th Street, and then I was like, all right dude, I gotta leave. I'm leaving tomorrow too, so I woke up, and I'm ready to leave.

He's like, all right man. I was like, come on, let's go. He's like, I'm leaving a little later. And I was like, well what are you gonna do? He's like, I'm leaving a little later. And I was like, well, what are you gonna do? He's like, I'll leave a little later, man. I'll lock up. And he just pushed me out my door and shut the door on me. And I just stood there and looked at it like,

I don't know what to do right now. I just left Dave Edwards in my house and I don't even really know him. And he's just in my apartment and I don't know when he left. He stayed with Kurt for like a month and a half I don't even really know him. And he's just in my apartment, and I don't know when he left. He stayed with Kurt for like a month and a half or something, and we just go home to his house every day. And Kurt just didn't know what to say.

Yeah, you just don't know what to say. And also, we're so young in comedy that we're also, some part of us is going like, this guy was on TV, he was in Half Baked for that one scene, and he's like, you're like, shit, like he's a working comic. Like he's on MTV and stuff stuff. This is a big deal. I was openin' for him.

To know him, and you realize it, and you find out that he's like, he's like a broke, like, failure. Dude, I was openin' for him, and he was the first guy who I saw buy, like, jewelry at the mall. Yeah, yeah. Like, we were walkin' through him, and he's like, yo, how much for that gold bracelet?

And I bought it, and then he just bought it. It was like 400 bucks. And he was like, yo, how much for that gold bracelet? And I bought it, and then he just bought it, it was like 400 bucks. And he was like, yeah, I'll take it. And he just wore it. I was like, oh my God, he must be making so much money. You must be a bazillionaire, sir. Yeah. Did you figure something out in comedy

that I'm unaware of that you have 400 extraneous dollars? Oh, an update. So Robert Reed was the Brady Brady Bunch in 74. And then that was a two parter of medical center that aired in 75. So right after the Brady Bunch, he just said, I'm gay. I'm so gay. I'm going to dress like a lady on TV. I'm so sick of. I've been such a masculine.

I've been such a masculine father for so long on TV. I'm going to play a lady now just to even things out. But yeah, dying to fuck my oldest son for six seasons. Well, Dave, Dave Edwards... Did you find the Martin Short thing? Yeah. The reveal, yeah, play that actually, so then I'll tell you the Dave Edwards.

Because I find this... Talking about someone who... People who work fame for years with no talent is awesome. We do know a couple of those people. I'm not talking about Dave Edwards, though. Somebody else from that. I know, I know. There's people that work fame for years with no talent is awesome. We do know a couple of those people. I'm not talking about Dave Edwards, though. Somebody else from that. I know. There's people that work fame for a long time.

Yeah. Let's figure out who after this. Good. Oh, yeah, he plays a psychic. I'm sensing someone has caused you a lot of pain. This is... It's a man. Law and order. SVU. It's someone very important in your life. It's before Life and Time hit Olivia Benson

with a swing, with a fucking axe kick to the face. I don't know what happened, but she has become a handsome woman now on the show. She was stunning for years. Mr. Brady looks better than her in drag. Wait, is that the one that... She never has a face like this. Her face is always furrowed.

Yeah, they're not, you know, when I did it, they're not nice. Like I was so excited to do this. Oh yeah. This show, because this was like one of my favorite law and orders. You went to trial on Ice-T's ponytail? Well, I didn't get the scene with Ice-T.

I got the scene with her and the other dude, who I love the other dude. Stabler? Stabler. Nice. And when they walked in, I was in, I was waiting to be like, hey, how you doing? And they came in and I was like, hey, what's up?

How you guys doing? And they just walked, they looked at me up and down and walked right by me. And I was just crushed. Yeah, that sucks. It sucked a bag of debt. Hey Mariska Hargitay, turn the fuck around, I'm talking to you. I wish you were there.

Is that the woman whose character has a nine-year-old bisexual kid that comes out? That's the one? Nine-year-old bisexual but it's not her child you see. She bequeathed the child by a criminal informant she had that was a drug addict and had this kid. And then because of Olivia Benson's mishaps started ensuing on the show, this kid's mother gets killed. And then the courts find, well, clearly what should happen is we should give the child to a police officer who is single and has no stability in their home. In fact, it's often times had problems happen

at their very home. Kidnapped, broken into, shootouts, all these things have been happening in the home. But you should take the baby. That's less dangerous than a crack house, I guess. Another house of violence. It was wonderful. Yeah, that kid, he goes,

everyone was making fun of someone being gay. So I told them I'm bi. And it's like, you're nine. And she was like, but kid he goes everyone was making fun of someone being gay. So I told them I'm bi and It's like you're nine and she was like but instead she goes that thank you for sharing that with me I'm gonna have you sent away Hey, can you tell me who told you that in your school so I can beat the shit out of their parents, please Eight years old, you know, you're bi What a concept eight years old. I'm bi really you're having sexual thoughts about boys and girls Okay. All right He's been busy at work

I'm sorry, but I See him with other women I see him with other women. Oh my god. How do you know that? Wait, see if you can find, don't just do Martin Short, do Martin Short, do ending. Episode ending work when he turns. Because he does some weird voice. He's like, it was me the whole time.

He turns into this. They have to use his character work. The fat interviewer was his name. Yeah, the highly deranged Maybe go to the end of this No, oh no, we're signed in the black lose YouTube I don't want to be this guy We have to get like special from you or so, unfortunately Well, this is embarrassing for everybody don't worry about this we don't do I think it's a do you we're losing it right here maybe

Untouched when we met why'd you come here? You know if you hadn't you might have gotten away with it Well, I had to See what I'd set into motion. Your expressions were priceless. Evil Martin Short. He's still not evil. I don't like it. Of course not.

He's so not evil. He's like, I cut her head off, I must say. I must say. I wanted to bring up, there's a, I haven't watched, every time I'm in Florida, my mom is watching 911. The amount of horrific things that Angela Bassett's character goes through. Personally.

Dude, she's in a Poseidon adventure. She's on a cruise ship. The ship gets turned upside down. Okay. The next week, she has to pilot a plane, like a Delta flight onto the ground. I think these are Angel Basses, they're all black things where it's like carnival cruise lines flipped over and like spirit air. I mean goes haywire. The amount of horrific things that happens to one person

Look if one cruise upside down would be enough for you, right? Would you say Bob did I one pig in a record store in Cuba was enough for me? It's weakly what happens these Unbelievable events. There's one person. No, this is she's got nothing and I mean nothing on detective officer through captain Olivia Benson. Olivia Benson has lived one million lives. She's been kidnapped, beaten, raped. She's a child of rape, and somehow they passed a clinical psychiatric evaluation that says,

I know you're a rape baby, so you probably won't take rape personally though, right? You'll just be able to be a good cop and not fueled by rage of your mother's rape. No, you're not gonna be looking for some ever-ending vendetta against the world because your mother, in fact, was a rape victim, and then you weirdly went into exclusively rape crimes. Yeah, you know what? We'll look into it later.

But what about her getting raped while she was there? That wouldn't affect her at all either, right? What do you mean, while she was? Didn't she get raped, too? Olivia. Oh, also herself got raped, yeah. Yeah, so that helps. But she didn't get pregnant, so she took a child from a junkie she got murdered.

Right. It all works out at the end of the day. Ice-T cut his ponytail off. Everybody comes and goes. Multiple people have died. Stabler quit acting altogether. I don't think it cut it off. I think it fell off. But she has the face of a 40-year vet on the force,

I will tell you. It aged her, it aged the actress Mariska Hargitay like an actual cop. She looks like a Russian hockey player now. It's crazy how, and they can't pretty it up at all. Can I see what she looks like now? By the way, I'm far from saying this woman is ugly, but she's just become an older lady very overnight It seems yeah, I can't believe I remember watching that Martin Short episode

That was when I was watching them like when they come in on Thursdays and me kind of being laughable that Martin Short was there For how she looks now compared to that video. We just I couldn't I would have said she looked exactly Now like she did then. But she was beautiful. But she is, no, no, no, no, no, you gotta see her on the show. On the show, she looks like she never sleeps. She looks like Bonnie now.

Don't you dare. She's only like 60. Is she 60? Yeah, barely. That's not bad for 60, Jay. I'll be like. For 60, that's not bad. Let me see, is that how old she is?

Oh, you wanna see her age? Yeah, let's see how old she is. What's her real name, I'm sorry? Mariska Hargitay, it's right there. That is her real name. Yeah. Fuck yeah. She's 60, wow, she looks good for 60, dude.

Absolutely, I'm just saying, she went from 40 to 60. Like overnight one day. She came out of the pandemic hard. Is that what it was? Pandemic on the other down? Yeah, that's when I started noticing it. Yeah. It's the last few seasons. She just like, she comes in, she looks like, uh... Like she forgot how to move sexy even.

Like girlishly, everything's very brutish. She's very guy-like. See, they put her in these big awful glasses she always had to look up from. Where she's looking, she's looking just let me see that and she puts in these awful glasses Leather jackets, but she used to be so hot. They should have transitioned her into a judge Yeah, yeah, yeah, she'd be a hot judge Do you know who they had as a judge on this for you? That was a talking about transition You were supposed to believe that Angela from who's's the Boss, was attractive enough that this muscular Italian was madly in love with her

and her eventually gay son. Yeah, her fuzzy hair. Yeah. And did you ever see her when she's a judge on Law and Order? I mean, she looks like Bea Arthur's ugly sister. She was in the lobby last week. Really? The week before I left for Cuba.

Judith Light? Oh, yeah. I saw her name on the screen. She was in the lobby when I walked in yikes yikes is right She became a real old lady. Yeah. Oh, it always hits him in the neck first Absolutely Angela. Yeah, but man when she was younger, I fell for it. I was ago. I guess she's like the Person of interest. Hmm, you know, I mean was like, she's the girl who Tony likes, I guess, for some reason. She's a hot Italian looking chick.

You don't mean that. I don't. I don't think you want to call me on it, but you're right, I don't. What about that one right there? Oh, you can see her rib cage in the middle of her chest. Oh, man, you really can. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Man. Her feathered hair, remember feathered hair feathered hair judging women who have fallen off It is fun. I don't know makes me so happy about women falling off. Oh wait. That's not her That's her that's her oh god sunken eye sockets is that hurt and that's not her naked. Yeah, she's having a threesome with Tony Tony and Samantha she's ever threesome with Tony and Samantha. Looks like she's having a threesome with Lou and Jacob. She looks like she's a crazy person. Like her face looks like an unpleasant lady who yells and doesn't want you to go on her lawn.

Always. Great actress. I saw her on Broadway do a play. I think it was about Babe Ruth or some shit. She played Babe Ruth? No, she played. She played Ty Cobb. No, Lou.

Lou Gehr. Oh, okay. But she was actually, she was... She played Ty Cobb. No, Lou. Lou Gehr. Oh, okay. But she was actually... She was really good on Broadway. Okay, Lou! He says we gotta take a break. Why do we have to take a break? We have too much fun. But you know what, Lou?

Honest to God for keeping the show on pace like that. I appreciate it. There's a Piven for you. Hey, he's so excited. Christine's not here, so the Pivins are gonna rain. I wonder if you can give Paul a Piven. Oh. What the f... What's that? What's that? He's not gonna get my Pivans are gonna rain. I wonder if you're gonna give Paul a pivan. Oh.

What the f- what's that? He's not gonna get my pivan joke. And then you're gonna be like, it's this new thing Jay does now. I'm not gonna do that. Jay does this new thing he thinks is funny because we all get a pivans if we do the thing. Give me a pivan. You lose a pivan. Okay.

That's fucked up. That's my pivan. I would never turn on you. Thank you, Lou. What the fuck is wrong with you? For that you get a pivan from me. Two pivans for Lou. Two. Thank you, Lou. You know what, Lou? What the fuck is wrong with you? For that, you get a pivin from me. How's that? Two pivins for Lou.

Two pivins for Lou. Oh, he's gonna leave work early. You keep throwing these pivins at him. I'm getting off this roof in one piece. You know what? He's gonna shit together. Let me get that pivin back. It's too much for you right now.

It's too much. It's too much for you. It's too much. You can't handle two pivins that quick. You're right. We're gonna ease him into it. Bobby, you got some gigs coming up on now. This weekend, I'm not.

I know. I know. But the next thing you have is gonna be what Mars Plains New Jersey. Yeah. Is that the Dojo? Dojo is coming up, yes. I got the Dojo. This weekend I have to, some stuff came up I have to take care of.

I really apologize. Nice. Beacon New York coming up though, Kansas City, those are all happening, yeah? Yeah, so all that stuff's happening Go to punch up dot live slash Robert Kelly my specials up there if you haven't watched it take a look I might be throwing that on YouTube soon. What do you think about that? Yes. Yeah, I'm gonna do it You know, it's funny my thing got relaunched like I guess 800 pound gorilla comes in and they relaunch their special they ask, and they license it or something

to put it on their page. And so I saw some comments under it. I'm like, oh, I wonder how people are like, maybe it's a good new audience who hasn't seen it yet. And then the first 50 comments I saw were like, this is old, I already saw this shit. I'm like, oh man. Why do you feel the need to comment?

Oh, at all, I know. This already happened. Yeah, we know. Fucking assholes. They asked me if they could do it. I didn't even ask for this. Big Jay will be in Louisville Comedy Club this weekend, Friday, Saturday night. Then he'll be in Houston, Philly, St. Louis for New Year's Eve Legion of Skanks. Bumped poor Danny Braff right out of his only headlining gig this year. Maybe ever.

Maybe ever at the Dojo of Comedy, which is a great comedy club in New Jersey. It was going to be a big night for him. A family flew up, I heard. Yeah, well his family lives there. An hour and a half early. His mom was heartbroken. For tickets and all of the tour dates big Jake comedy calm and make sure you go to the podcast and like subscribe YouTube all of our stuff