The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Oy Vey Amigo

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

Jay shares stories from his Mom Mom's funeral with is daughter who is celebrating her 19th birthday in studio!Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/BonfireFollow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM @DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayComedy.com

I'm Dan Soder and I'm Big J. Ocarson and welcome to the Bond Fire podcast. You can hear our full show every day on Series XM. Go to seriousexem.com slash Bond Fire for a special offer. And now the Bond Fire with Big J. Ocarson, Dan Soder. Faction talk, Series XM 103. Boom. Boom. Big J. Ocarson, Dan Soder.

We have DJ Lew in the house. We have Kristine Evans in the house. Black loose off grabbing us water because he rules. And it's very dry. They're dry in here. I'm very, very dry. My daughter Isabella and her friend Yana, her roommate, her roomie. Sit over here so you can listen.

So they can what? Listen to the show. Oh, okay. They're here. They're dual celebrating birthdays. Happy dual birthday, but it's weird to sit in a room with your dad and his friend and then just listen to only them talk. And not out of context, you know. Also, when your dad's friends wearing a penzoil jacket, you should just be lyria what's going on in the room.

Do you, when you see your daughter with her friend, you go, which one's the cool one in the group? I have a feeling I'm pure blackness alone. It's going to be Yana. when you see your daughter with her friend you go, which one's the cool one in the group? I have a feeling on pure blackness alone, it's gonna be Yana. What, what I mean? There's only two of them though. I know. Is it like a half Hispanic, half Jewish thing going on

that's kind of interesting? That is a good combo. Spanish and Jewish. It's a lot to complain in Spanish. That's pretty great. Oh, he's very, he's very, he's very, he's very, he's very, he's very, he's very, he's very, he's very, he's very, he's very, he's very, he's very, he's very, he's very, great. Oh, he's big. Yeah, it's a big big. He knows. I asked Isabella at my grandmother's funeral

if she tried to read along. I did. If you would have had an audio of that, I slayed audio of me trying to read those Hebrew prayers. How how Jewish was your grandmother's wedding? I mean, wedding funeral. I wasn't there for her wedding, dad. You all obviously.

You're not in a nut. Um, it was a nut It was Jewish Was that the most religious part of your family? I took a shot you took a banger at my grandma's boyfriend We just dipped out at the end grandma's boyfriend just Kissed the sky a few years where she was to tear it and it's like later lover Gonsky But he showed up at the few Do you leave your girlfriend when she's losing her mind at that age immediately? I don't disagree with his actions

I got a trunk of metal somewhere. What am I doing with this lady? I can't even show them off to for the last years You wouldn't even remember if he was there last time anyway. There's zero ward. You can just come bangers You just come back after a terrible like hey, what's up? Yeah, you are yeah, sorry Terrible like hey, what's up? Yeah, you are yeah, sorry Now he was there I gave him a good zing I said uh What I got you? I said my yeah you fuck my dad I said my mom was so was such a good person that she found the goodness and I said she found the goodness and kind heart and terrible mean Jerry from across the street. That's what he was

He's got it honey. Thank you. you, and he from beyond the grave grandma. Trish be cool about it. It's race That's the one we don't go after is about you know those dance moms at Ghostbusters. Yeah, I don't know if you know this Did she was the inspiration for the lady Ghostbusters movie? She gets the itch. Yeah, she got that proton Calm down. Stand down. That's mom. I. You do not go after Jay's dead grandmother stand down Thank you No, Jerry did Jerry know your grandfather Yeah, cuz he was across the street guy his wife died Damn, that's what it gets freaky as fuck when you get over 60

Widow or widow you just, I'll pair off with you. It's like a street, it's like a street rumble. They're just like pointing at each other. They're like, you guys that far fuck you. My grandmother may have been in her 50s still when they got together. Damn. It's possible.

Trish was in her 50s when she locked horns with Joe. Thank you buddy. Yeah, that makes it because his wife, I forget her name, passed away. Yeah. And then he was just, I mean, when she was even alive, he was just mean Jerry from down the block. It was, he always mean to you?

Yeah, he never liked me. Ever. Ever. I mean, he tolerated me. She was trying to get, but he was never a pleasant, he was never a pleasant, like, I've never made him smile. He's never smiled around. All my Jerry memories are him aggressively,

aggressively groping the crotch of my jeans in a store yelling that there's so much room in here. Oh Jesus Christ. Look, I can seal it. He's like, Janette, I know you're buying the jeans but the crotch is way down here We stop at least not my grandpa not even kind of my grandpa We stop not even pop up mean Jerry from across the street Me and Jerry from across the street such a good name you mean Jerry from across the street dude

I'm so glad he was the guy that said uh he told us Because two friends we had that were Jews Jews for Jesus, another weird group. Yeah, dude. What a weirdo crossover. I don't fancy myself a super intelligent person. I don't. We're both dummies that they've given a too large of a platform to.

100%. It's always came his advertise. However, I was never susceptible to come join the group stuff. I just never went, because those Jews, they're in there, right there in their thing, they have to try to convince all their friends

they should come to the meetings and stuff. I had that one. It's a niche group. Early Kurt Metzger, hey, have you, anything about Jesus? Kurt wanted to know, and his mom was pretty curious, invite me to come to those wacky things.

Yeah, especially finding out your friend is Jewish and like, it's like you've never heard of a band and all they wanna do is play all the albums for you. And you're like, I don't like it. I don't like that music and they're like, I don't care. Okay, well you're a Jew, so you're an outdoor cat. And basically what we're gonna do is take you inside and give you all the jeet like my mom.

I was always good to flexing. It was like, well, you know, like Jesus is Jewish. So like, that's why the Jews, I go, they go, what's cool? I go, that's cool. I go, but I bet I can dominate you in super Mario so hard right now. Yeah, you're saying.

And just like, hey, instead of this, we should play football. You know, it's kind of similar to the story of Mario brothers. Jesus. Dude, when the last speech was kind of his very magnet. When the elders, Latter latter day Saints came to our house Yeah, we had a more we had them playing street football with this dude. This one dude had a cannon

You know where that pays off football because Mormons Went and recruited you know they went and did their mission in like the Samoas Yeah, like the Pacific Islands And then and then now like that's why what do you think BYU has like four Makawaka who is yeah, but like all division one linebackers like three Troy Polymalu's I thought it was gonna be offensive lineman countries before and Fed white dudes. I mean both you look at Utah like the Utah youths are like any of

those schools like Utah schools all have a thick Samoan connection because of Mormons. I think it's very bizarre that just by chance, the Utah jazz always have a pretty white team. Yeah, they don't you don't you don't pick out the local people. Yeah, you want to think what is it? Nature versus nurture? Are you flying in these wipes? Yeah, that's what I said when I was in Charlotte. Yeah, the night before opening season, I was like, you guys are excited for the Panthers? Yeah. I was like, North Carolina, the only state so racist, you have to comb the globe for a fast white guy

to be your running back. Oh, buddy, we got one. We're not gonna have a black quarterback and a black run-a-back. You just can do it. The day, yeah, Utah Jazz do have always like, from the, I mean, as far back as the ugliest widest white guys, I mean, I'm a home. Who's your ugliest? Who's your ugliest jazz?

Cause I'm going to go Greg Oster Tag. You know, Oster Tag is a monster. John Stockton looked like a guy who would be mean to you at school. Do John Stockton look like a guy that Trish would have thrown it all away. Absolutely. And he would, and he would have not liked to even mean to you. Yeah, John, mean step that face. Wasting all that height, not playing B ball. Dude, there he is. Step his face. Fuck his face. Dude, I can just imagine him leaving our house in the morning after he'd know my cocoa puffs. Fuck, John, dude, I don't even like John. I don't care how good he is. I was in a rush. I was in a rush dude. I needed breakfast

So I ate your cocoa puff. Hey big head. You pay bills here. Yeah, bitch can't take me one on one. I can't because I'm 12 And you're John Stockton. Oh shit. He's uh, yeah, dude. They're the ugliest. Yeah, they're right now they got that guy It's a joke. It's a Joe angles on there now He's like crazy balding. That would be great if you found out that their front office there was a like a thing. Yeah, dude, Greg Ostrutag. Yuff.

Yeah, that's a big ugly dude. That's like 50 step dad face. Yeah. Oh man. That's the guy that's a real abusive step dad there. That's came back from the Korean war has to sleep in the basement on a cot because he gets violent in the green. He in his flattles when you with mean Jerry from across the street when he shows up at the funeral

Are you immediately like this is my chance to fucking push him over and break his hip now? No, I say I put it on wax man. Oh damn drop the disc track on I just dropped a disc track I'll have a thing that on it with the thing. That's why I'm so glad my grandma black widow and all of her husbands. Yeah. And I never had to meet in there. Oh yeah.

So I'm glad that she, I should've wrote down what I said. I'm out of the cell though. I whiffed when I spoke I whiffed. You did. Yeah, I just like didn't say you knew. How many females have you spoke? But here's what's fun, here's why I whiffed.

My uncle Mark, who is the words on methadone for the rest of his life, for sure. Which means he has seen some highs. Yes, he seems to be when someone's on methadone the rest of your life, you're like, what was the best time? You showed up. I want to ask it's like when I meet NFL players, I'm like, what's the hardest hit you ever? I never seen Uncle Mark and I thought that he was one of the great. You ever I never seen Uncle Mark and I thought that he was one of the Because he was just like in jeans flannel sleeveless with

It's totally metal big beard. He stuzz the long hair, but he they go I Thought a bunch of people were gonna speak yeah, and I really was telling my mom that I really want to say I'm gonna try say something and she was like of course you can I was the only one at first turns out. Then Malcolm Markle, like Malcolm Markle, like say a few words. And this is your mom's brother. Yeah. Yeah. Just a junkie since he was 15.

Damn. And he's watched, by the way, he has watched heroin progress. Oh yeah, yeah. Like you're 15 in the 70s, you're just banging junk that you're like, I don't even know what this is. And then now you're like, this guy a bit of fentanyl on his french fries There's never ever ranch with fentanyl This is mixing because JJ you don't want that that's spicy, you know what I mean?

And the brothers are like polar opposite semi-chubbay Michael Barry could be more Jewish Jewish like his two daughters were there. I love to get there. Barry is such a good uncle name. His angel daughters. Barry. His Asian daughters were there. Mark is just fucking out there like, hey, Barry. Oh my cousins, I think like it has Asperger's, his son.

Like yeah, he's smart. Very, very smart. Well, yeah. But he's odd, he's not duck sweet kid. I don't know him for a Michael Mark. They go, all right, so Mark's, yeah, he's odd. He's not duck sweet kid. I don't know him for my uncle Mark. They go, all right. So Mark's gonna speak first and I was like, yes, oh, that's gonna be great.

He stands up right next to the casket away from everybody. We there for this? Is that you? You got there right when I start, I think. Missed the opener. You missed the opening act. Not cool.

Castle merge. I'll go marks up facing away from everybody. Miss the opener you missed the opening act not cool Castle merch I'll go box up facing away from everybody at the thick outdoors. Oh Ten yards away from everybody goes Do you think in his head? He's just fucking rip it. I don't know what he thought it is had his like and that's why I love Conkers all I don't know and I don't know one word. He said no one does He no one said oh he didn't even sort of and at a funeral you can't go speak up Hey Mark put your nuts in it come on It's your diaphragm Put your nuts in it come on You're dying for him

Mark Mark what what I can't What you should have got stone cold what check? Oh? It was cuz I'm just my mom It was it was pure mumble. Oh, no, it was nothing and I and which is in these days He's probably hyper emotional. Yeah, you know, he's all drugs his whole light. So he's just like Mom and she's also never like just let him eat shit You know, I mean she's always like save them. Yeah, yeah from complete failure shout out shout out to moms that do their sons

That's my grandma school of parenting. Yeah, still married to the son's mother, right? Yeah, I was very school of parenting. Yeah. Still married to the son's mother, right? Uh-huh. Yeah. I was very surprised. I was, I was love that when you see a real piece of shit making it work with a lady. I'm always really, it's my aunt Cheryl. I'm always super impressed with that. I was like, God damn, you really got it.

God strike me if I am wrong, but I'm pretty sure me and my grandma had to pick her up from J.O. once because she was blowing cage-druck dealer for drugs. Okay. It's my aunt Cheryl. Yeah, dude. I, drug dealer for drugs. Okay, it's my actual. Yeah, dude. I, uh, sorry, there's chocolate chips in that relationship. But she was there. I was like, I'm shooting at you,

I'm like, you guys, I saw you at the Republican, you're a sucker to guys, you're a loser. Oh my God, that's right. Snake. Snake. Well, you've grown. Do you know he murdered,

he's suicide by copped two years later? My mom's friend, my mom's friend Lisa Chernoff, who is a very loud boisterous Jewish lady. Love it. She's, I thought she was with my mom and my mom at my dad. Apparently I said I was wrong about that. But her mom, her mother, it was passed away a long time ago,

but was my first great teacher. Okay. Any vicious fuck of a teacher I think she couldn't do today. I mean like someone was like, you know If they weren't paying attention, they were like I'm looking for something in my desk. Yeah, like I remember as kids She fucking flipped his day obvious are she flipped his desk over. Yeah, and like find it now Like you had to get on his knees and like it. Yeah, fine. You know the ground and fine It was that kind of teacher like day eighth grade eighth grade that my math teacher

I was joke. There was a box of donuts and I was trying to make a joke to someone like three rows back that I was grabbing for it Took my eye off the teacher. He fucking kick the desk. You know, it's like one of the Shook and kick the desk Donuts went everywhere. It's fucking terrifying. He's like the fuck your donuts up and you're like cursed all right shut up Yeah, dude Mr. Wilson used to fuck Never gonna teach you to curse us, but the Mrs. Chernov was first grade two But she was that kind of mean, but she lived across the street from my grandmother my mom and her daughter were friends Since they were kids. Yeah, so it was just like I Nothing I got a pass like I did she didn't really do wasn't that mean to me

Yeah, you're a legacy my grandmother and her were like Watering lawns together at night every night. Yeah, so that was, wasn't that mean to me? Yeah, you're a legacy. My grandmother and her were like watering lawns together at night every night. Yeah. So that was weird, but that lady came in and I was like telling some jokes about my grandmother always trying to make me feel better about being fat, but like saying more fat. Remember I told you that's like,

if you tell us because I keep calling you fat, you're gonna go sit on them. I'm like, that's not gonna make the situation better. You're gonna make me feel fat. Yeah. And you're gonna eat all their food and you're like like why would you? I wouldn't say this lady goes yeah, you were a real little fat shit. Where are you growing up?

You were a real fat shit. Where are you like all right Lisa churn off? Yeah, you boisterous big Jew. Hey Loudmouth, why don't you knock it off you big boisterous Jew? You know that words can hurt She's gonna be yelling me about smoking. She's like, you see all these teeth? They look great. She goes, fake. Oh, fake. Boned the tear ratio. Smoke. You got to quit just doing that like the yelling around the room. Everybody. Do you ever bring, please beat it? Does she ever bring positive news? I haven't seen her in years and years, but it didn't not seem like she's ever been positive news. Sounds like she showed up to a funeral and really brought it to you. So my uncle, my uncle Frank and Aunt Linda, who are my godparents who poor lady, that lady,

the whole child who with me was spent me crying hysterically at her house until well beyond an age that's suitable for a boy. It's like, well, I might buy more. I'm gonna buy more. The most interesting thing is about a thing that's very interesting because like she just had, she has a lot of me. Talk about things that are just born into you and not taught.

Yeah. And again, because I'm sure I have things like with my dad that I do something very similar. You know what I mean? Yeah. If you were funny or Dan, you would have said ill parenting if you said it would be my dad of a college.

Not when she's in the room. That's the funniest. It's right here. Yeah, it's not. You're both deadbeat fathers. All right. All right. I was genuinely thinking about anything I do that's similar to my father's. That's where you got me. There's got to be, but Isabella. Who knows? Shit. Now, I'm losing my train of thought. It was when she said,

you do a lot of things similar. No, I know that was the point of it. I'm trying to remember what you did that was similar to me. That's gone. That's's called a way. Yes, that's what it is. The born-in thing in you was she would go way too old to be having hysterical meltdowns at like soccer camp. Like, should be there just enjoying it and having a good time. But her mom was like, what the fuck was she couldn't understand it? Christine wouldn't understand anything like that. She was the one to go away. When I didn't go to day camp,

it was like a morning meltdown every day. I don't want to go. Well, I thought it might rain. You know, I was terrified of weather. There's so much going on. I don't know what the fuck. I don't know what, I don't know why when I got anxiety, like clinically in 2010,

that I was so baffled that I had anxiety go, I'm the coolest cat in the thing. And they're like, that dude, I don't, but I'm like, oh, and I was so baffled that I had anxiety go, I'm the coolest cat and the thing and they're like, that dude, I'm like, oh, and I was. But I also was the coolest cat, like as far as like not getting that anxious about things. But somewhere there was a shift where I must have just been masking it because as a child, I was horrible.

Well, let me ask you, I needed to be in a way from most terrified of. When that happened with Isabella and Carla didn't understand and everyone's like, Why the fuck were you like? No, I was trying, I got it, but I was trying to get you. You were immediately like, oh, yeah, that's me completely. Oh, no, no, right away. I was like, I get it, but I just trying to reach the herd and just be like, look, I was wrong though.

Like I missed that on so many just like camp was probably fucking super fun, but all day long, I'm just like, What time is it now? What's crazy? Bus coming. Yeah, what's crazy is the kid that it stayed consistent because I don't know how you guys were as kids But like I would the first day be like Like have a lot of anxiety like I don't like but then I would day two and three kids are big Yeah, by day two is because my mom had been dropping me off at like a daycare center since I was in first grade So just after school you get into a van with them and then it's like an athletic club. She showed you weren't loved early Yeah, yeah, she let me she did let me rush an orphanage

Drop me off and let me find out But I'm saying I remember freak the only time I got bucked was that summer camp which I talked about in a bit But it was true like I had her come pick me up cuz I was like The first year I did summer camp I fucking loved it. I made all these friends from Texas cuz it was like a Christian camp that they would let, like, you know. That doesn't sound awesome at all. Well, you didn't have to pay for it.

That was awesome. So my mom was like, that didn't mean your mom informed you it was awesome. She did the paperwork. She did it. She did it. That's free. The way she sold it on the drive to Granby, Colorado.

She's like, she's gonna melt her brain. And then I grew up and I was like, oh yeah, I looked up the organization and I was like, it's YMCA, it was like a YMCA camp for kids I can't afford, like other summer camp. But the first year knocked it out of the park. I was gone for a week, didn't complain, loved it. Second week came back, my friends from Texas

had a different, it was a two week camp, had a different week. And so I didn't know anybody. And there's all these kids from Denver That were like actually Christian, so they were into like the stuff. Oh, yeah Yeah, and I was about We do that will be late for prayers. Yeah, and I was like let's fucking eat as much as we can and I was like doing I was doing absolute future pot head activities. That'll show not yeah

Absolute future pot head activities. That'll show not. Yeah, do that. Oh, Dan, I think you're making haste. I was like, oh, fuck it. Shut up. I'll punch you when you fall asleep in your sleeping bag. But I threw up like the second night, and then I was just like, this sucks,

and I didn't like the kids I was in my cabin with, and I called my mom, I'm like, I'm sick. And she's like, all right. Well, Christ, here we go. All right. All right, well, I'm gonna get you. Well, it's free. I ain't losing money. I'm not losing my ass on this.

Well, I was comfortable with my grandmother's house, super comfortable. Was that the most comfortable place for you? Yeah, was your grandmother. Yeah, for sure. Where's your home home? More than your apartment with your mom? Yeah, yeah, for sure.

So we're gonna have that shit is like, was your house the most comfortable? Well, when it was just me and my mom too, like just me and my mom, so my mom. But my mom, my house wasn't, and it was me and my mom. So my mom. But my mom, my house wasn't. And it was me and my mom. Yeah, but it doesn't. Did you just brought that fucking tail?

It's also a way to get into the door. It was West Philly. It was also West Philly. So I go to bed every night. Like genuinely, it's why I know like the. Yeah. Yeah. You know, in my mind, every night for you growing up was Tom Hanks

first night he's big There was also there was also like us like an air Raid siren that would have like like like the long way up and then the long way down It was very bizarre. You're basically Chachanian then there was Then there was a sound on the phone in the walls Sometimes the the toilet would just run at night. It was like the tank would fill, probably completely normal. But then just the loud domestic's going on

in West Philadelphia. To me it was a ghost using our fucking... Yeah, you fucking... Oh fucking kill you! And it was just, my mom was nailing some cops. It was all over the place. It was a flashlight in your window of a cop who wasn't there to protect and serve.

I didn't get that at. Yeah, he was there to serve already. At least I always knew my mom's boyfriend's had spicy breath. Because I was like, woo, they're fucking. I think you guys were having some dark look. That, yeah. But that, I mean, it's weird to think about that

because I, it blew my mind. It took me going to therapy for like more than five years to realize that my therapist was like you are comfortable home now it's like not because i he was he's like why won't you move out of queens because i would be like i'm not not gonna move out of queens is like you like it because it's your first home it's the first place that's yours

pay for it no it's no overhead. Everything in there you've bought and you're like, yeah? Yeah. You don't. But I didn't realize when I was a kid. Even my room, I didn't like, my room was all right. No, it's sleeping stuff, but I didn't feel like it was like, you always see in the movies when kids come home

and put their headphones on in their room and like lay back and listen to music. I was never that comfortable. I don't think I had like ever anything like ruled. By the time my parents started, my mom and Joe started making dough. Yeah. At all, we can move to where they're at.

The house there in the house. The Jersey, yeah. It was just like, so many kids in the house. Do you know what I mean? So it was a very chaotic house. In fact, they're, I think they're getting used to it now, but like they're blown away. They just got their house to be not chaos.

Every time I've been there, my brother's still there. There's only been one time, that very time long ago we were watching a Canon's Comedy Special. There's only been one time where your mom's house does not feel like a bed and breakfast. Yeah, that's the part of my stepfather's got a person

coming over to live, wait. Joan is majestic eyes. Yeah, she's really nice. She's really nice. I think, I'm so glad when you said you're September War Context because I felt so less crazy. Yeah. I was like, I thought you just had Emerald Eyes.

Yeah, he's a Japanese K-pop girl. Okay. Dude. Dude, that'd be so funny. I should've told you my Joe's in powerlifting a K-pop. I tried to keep up. He said powerlifting. Yeah. An in K-pop. I tried to keep up. He said powerlifting. Yeah, an extreme K-pop.

Loves it. Real hello kitty type shit. Do you see a bunch of people tagged us on Twitter? Did you see that the Zodiac killer came down his name was Gary? Yeah. That's fucking great. Hey, nothing greater than having your deadbeat dad's name.

There's nothing killer. There's nothing funnier than, see, when they show They caught him now don't even show us picture now just show go to his house or whatever and find an old picture of him So he looks scary They always show them now like I should just fuck back to frail man. Yeah, fuck this whole guy up It's like we're as I always say this all the time, but when whole Kogan talk shit now You're like we can do whole Kogan. Yeah shut up, you flappy ass arms. What you gonna do brother?

Let's rip ya. Yeah fall down and we'll run away. What you gonna do? Kick you in the hip. Yeah kick you in the hip and I'm 38. I still got a little juice in the tank. I'll fucking wiggle out of there and run away. You all wreck your shit hoagin.

That's all you gotta do man. Wait for every tough guy to get old and then just no gravity and you can take him down. That's all you got to wait on. Just time. My fiends. I was comfortable. I was always comfortable wherever my dad was because I was just like psyched hang with a guy crazy.

It's same. When I think about where every moved never mattered to me. He moved a lot. I slept on that couch and Lakeport with his roommate Jim and they had a sleep of angels. Never slept that hard on our sleep number bed that we were given on the show because you know if somebody breaks in, you're not the first line of defense.

You know what turned out I was because there was a shotgun under the couch. There you go. So it wasn't even way loaded. Yeah, dude. So thank you, Jim. Thank you for giving me the tools for success. Yeah, that's great.

He goes, Hey, he goes, Hey, son, if you need to think the bitch is underneath. You know, it's the bitch. I got the bitch underneath the seat. You go, hey, pal, I got half a cigar in the couch with one in it. Hey, I got a meet your maker right under you, big head. So, you know, everybody comes in.

You want to see him kiss God. Hey, I'm going to be taking down Cheryl in the back left room. But if you hear anybody kick that door open under the couch, there's a sawed off cocket and rocket, and I'll see you in the morning for eggs. Yeah. All right. Dude, I remember we had-

I really never felt uncomfortable at my dad's house. Love it. I always loved being at my dad's house. My mom- And I made every day there. Plus she'd hurt ass to get us a nice, three bedroom house in the suburbs and I did I never felt comfortable Your dad did he ever yell at you or discipline you or anything?

So you were just like safe sailing. Yo, it wasn't it wasn't he I would buy my love he didn't fuck would he buy my But he also they didn't phone over you either my dad did my dad would like he would like He might that would just get me and then be like, this is the thing. Oh, no, my dad. My dad wouldn't, he would like be fun with me. He was like super funny. So he would like talk to me like an adult.

Like my mom and my dad both did that. It was very similar. They both talked to me like I was just 26 the whole month. Okay. No, I'm like, you want a coffee? Dude, I swear to God, what time? When my dad worked at dance liquors in Mill Valley, I was on the side counter playing with my guys.

I was bashing plastic. And I remember my dad kicking up and the cooler and going, hey, pal, you want Pepsi? And this fucking rocketed me one. And I was like, can't get you. You were the one. Sponan, man. Yeah, dude, it was a total, like, dude, it was a,

it was, my dad was a friend. He wasn't my dad. He was just like, you wanna go to Toy World and buy some James Bond juniors? I'm like, yeah! Why do I live with that ice-cold bitch in Denver? Yeah, he was my dad's more in food. That fucking get this yey area of love.

My dad was more into it when I could be like a buddy more. Not, and I mean, it's like an adult, I'm saying, I'm saying an adult, I'm saying like a, I'll tell you what, we're in, it's like the 16, 17 years when I go there it would not it would be more fun if my Gary would have gone past when I was 14 If he would have made it when I was like 17 18 and I was really starting to show the family the family traits Drinking I think we would we would have ended some fences over some bottles of Bacardi my dad was just I was just upset My dad just didn't understand when he'd go to the bathroom when he was watching like the Eagles game. Yeah, then I would put on a you'd come back

I'm a comic comic comic comic comic comic comic me like MTV V on he'd be like The games on I'm like I don't understand how it works. You don't live with me. Yes You know you're not there for the regular season. So how am I supposed to understand the playoffs? Yeah, dude, right? What do we mean? Do we like the greens? See what's funny is I had more of that with like my mom's boyfriends where they were like, hey, dang it, come help me change this tire. And I'm like, to Tonka's taking on the million dollar man. You're fucking weird.

To my father, you're taking me one time. He took me one time to have pet boys. Yeah. And he was buying split. I just remember this from the conversation. He took me one time to do with pet boys. Yeah. And he was buying split. I just remember this from the conversation and all these was commercial forms. Split fire, spark plugs for the car.

Yeah. And I was just like, I'm always trying to give a shit and be like, let's what's that? I was gonna put these in the vet because the split fire, you see how it's got the two prongs on it. It's two sparks going across.

And the sparks burn the gases that goes through. And now you're burning it more efficiently because there's two sparks going across. The sparks burn the gases that goes through and now you're burning it more efficiently because there's two sparks and a thing. I'm like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I was like, oh, does Knight Rider live? It's really interesting. When you start saying I go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Is that right or the car is Alphriel? Is Alphriel? This car beat Mr. T This is faster than the 18 van But did you ever dad out around Isabella? Did you ever try to like let me fix this in front of you or you know Because I don't think she got in trouble one time. It was a great fish happened to be On time Christine got like an IKEA style desk delivered. Yeah Which is which is built for backyard wrestling It's built to be thrown through

Yes, it is Okay, if you if you run a backyard wrestling promotion just go get a desk from IKEA and you can power bomb something through it Also builds nation, but it does require a hammer a screwdriver and an Allen wrench a little bit of will so I've Forget exactly what I actually don't remember, but like I came out, I kept coming out of the room to yell at Isabella Moore, and I was like, and this is what I mean, that this respect, and then I'd go in the other room and go back to work.

I was like, if anyone needs me, I'll be in my workshop. Yeah. These kids, you can't know appreciation for nothing. And all she hears is you drop a screw and go, fuck your mother, fuck your mother. go Mother and coming out coming out with the hammer I go Be back For Jay to like have a talking with her Can we go?

We don't live here. You're just building. I'm working on an hour. When I go back in the room, I'm kind of like, woo, fit together. I'm doing good. You're seeing. I've got things that have just been like you're watching the progress with the desk work, but not with your daughter. Come on.

I was talking through to her at all. She was all eye roles, but I was like, I did another thing. Oh my God. I didn't have a tool belt though, I'm not that masculine. I just weird also to think that your dad is on so many podcasts that like if I could just listen to Gary on podcast be like, I don't know, that's kind of weird. I was like, the challenger, he's just talking

about the challenge, I have an opinion on things. I think that's kind of cool. Yeah, I don't think Isabella any. I'm not of our comedy isn't her demographic age. So none of her friends, I think no. Anything about us or our podcast. One of our teachers listen to, the teachers are way in.

That's so fucking funny. Did you have a sticker up on the bulls' in board? Yeah. You remember my kindergarten teacher had the teacher of you hanging? Your kindergarten teacher was featured pretty prominently in my first album in American Storyteller. That's stand up me. Yeah, she's the lady in the back of the room. It says some pretty graphic things. Oh, yeah, and I go everywhere. That's my daughter's kindergarten teacher. How does that?

Did you feel so hot? Did you feel like you were a favorite student because of that? Yeah. You were like, I know I can't get it. She had his t-shirt you were a favorite student because of that? Yeah. You were like, I know I can't get through. She had his t-shirt, like a t-shirt of him hanging up on the whiteboard with two magnets. I just know Janna like that. I just know Janna like that. And we choose to go like that's to the other kids,

would you like that's my dad? No. Really? Even I didn't know his phone was just playing it cool. She goes, you know, my grandpa called me Elizabeth. Just telling all the bad stuff. And she goes, you know what my grandpa called me Elizabeth? Just telling all the bad stuff. You know, that's pretty funny. Is my dad found mine wearing the trash.

I think it's gonna end up on an apple. Wasn't there also kids? I thought that you said that a group of kids thought you were lying that he was okay. They were like, that's so funny. They're like, we're into Xeroch. There's no way your dad is the jail Christian. The best part is he goes, we don't believe you. And like, we also don dad is the best part is he goes we don't believe you and like we also don't care

We just say we don't believe you kids are mean like that they can really take away the only joy you can get out of it Yeah, I don't even care you like well, then why is this a thing now all of a young friend said I was a pirate That's so funny. I like a lot of bangles I was in like second grade because I told him I didn't want him to shrap around the trips anymore because Like the next day everybody would ask me if he was a pirate You should have leaned into it. I'm a rented a fucking parrot. I'm always a fun Rod dude. I would have showed up with a fake peg leg and Then like had those fake teeth in how could dude if you would have told me this when I went to our

We would have rock some kids? Dude, when I went to our boat, I had to rock some kids' brains. Well, I went to parent-teacher day and it was in their fucking floor general of the basketball game. Just giving dimes to Isabelle underneath. Feet it! Feet it! Poon! This scumbag, father that was playing on the other team against us. This guy shot at least four or five shots. I think what's the hell's wrong with you dude?

The hell's wrong with you. We're supposed to be the father's playing with the kids you fucking asshole. Why'd you block shots to you? Yeah, what are you doing? What are you proving? Yeah, you're sorry. Oh, it's so sweet.

That sticky J, when it's open, it's so sweet. Yeah, I'm sorry your kids are fucking kissing concrete. My daughter's up in this clouds dude. I'm dropping dimes. Sorry, you were a scoring family. I guess you guys are an assist concrete. My daughter's up in this clouds, dude. I'm dropping dimes. Sorry, you were a scoring family. I guess you guys are an assist bunch. Yeah. Dad just cranking up jumpers.

Yeah, just saying, I dare you. Say hockey, you don't get points for that. Tryna look cool when it's fucking suit pants. He's driving home out of breath. Hey, Bethany, how what was your dad's jumper? Pretty sick, right? Don't tell mom I was ballin' the ball's life. I'm also like the what I go to the parent teacher thing. The teachers loved me or they were just like,

this guy shouldn't be a parent. How hard I live, that would give you. Did your mom have to cover up for that? Did you ever, oh you weren't there. May I be your teacher conference? No. God that was so nerve-wracking. When you, when my mom, do you want her to come home? when she would come home. I'd be like fuck fuck. She said you're very funny. I'd be like all right She had it your terrible student of mine also not wrong. Uh-huh. Dan listen to this challenge

We sat there while of teacher who I think said was not gay, but was definitely gay Great teacher. Maybe did you know he was gay? He came out to the class by accident because he was showing us pictures of his trip to Spain and the real picture of him kissing a guy and then he swiped really quick. And everybody started laughing. Did you guys hit him with a, ooh.

Did you really? But did he just say that I think he spoke like he had a girlfriend or something? I think you guys are the anyways. Anyways, Mr. Ogrisson, you know how these girls are. They're just fucking all about that deck. And it's like enough is enough. Jesus, can I go to sleep?

It's my first time meeting him. So this guy, I'm getting blasted with all this personality out of the gates. Stop doing her. Before I'm going to do comedy at night, because anyways, I call his developella. I don't know if you know that. And we're thick of thieves. Me and this girl, Sel Selma and Louise I'll drive off a fucking cliff for her What is this? I'll sit around some times and just throw some

Shade oh my god. We'll talk about the force graders. We'll talk about Bitch no one is It is what he said this is actually what he said. That was trying to try this challenge of not laughing at this. Right go in there, he goes, he goes, also, he goes, if you guys met my bearded dragon and he brings over, he had a bearded dragon classroom, he goes, if the kids do really good,

I let them see the bearded dragon. And he goes, I swear to you, this is where he goes. If they get really good marks, so they all get good tests above seas, then I let them pet the bearded dragon. Whoa! Oh, man! And I think there might have been a thing that you bring the bearded dragon home,

whatever it was. Don't get that right. I'm sooner laughing at this, I'm just going like, I'm just going like, I'm just going like, and I go, and I go, and I just, we just had that moment, it was unspoken, was that moment of like, we're looking at each other,

and I'm doing like the, dude, you get, well, you're saying. You're saying, you're ridiculous. yeah sometimes I let him pet the bearded dragon sometimes my friend Ron pets the bearded dragon and then I'm ready for him to pet it right again how many so-cows and large yeah five-year to drag a couple of kamikazies fire island that bearded dragon is walking around walking around summer time get out the carrot oil I'm not here to drag his walking around. Walking around, fuck her up. Summertime, get out the carrot oil.

I'm gonna tell you right now, I'm in St. Barnes, and I've got a couple runny coaks in me. Yeah, hanging out with a couple of honey's. Yeah, quote unquote. I don't even care. I don't care if they're married and have families. Dude, I'm not gay no more. I love, I am the lover.

I love women, women, women, women. Man, no more. I thought I like women women women women I Love women women women women I DM you go to the bonfire DM black loop posted it did you see the video of the gay dude in the Eagles Jersey? I want to but this is just a perfect segue for it. Yeah, I mean, it's like one of those things where it yeah I am delivered. No, dude. It's just the way I'm excited to see it really made me laugh and a bunch of people tag this and I Bookmarked it because I learned about bookmark on Twitter and I completely forgot about it And I think this was right after the Niners Eagles game

So I didn't want to make it anything sore. That's a guy in an evil jersey real nice dude. Well, I love you I don't know if you two you know you feel alright. I love you too. I love you Coca-Cola auto trader good year keep going money lion What about discount tires dude? Penzoil Discount tires Ppg ppg From room Look at Jacob's face. He's so madake up do you want to see what you got uh...

jake up do you want to see your trip everyone though then and jake out there jacket then is wearing his jacket rubbed in and jade so doesn't give a shit he put it on for one second wouldn't even do it as a matter of the studio oh it's behind me even do it as a thing. You didn't even know where it is in the studio. Oh, it's behind me. And even where it to mock me. But hey, Jacob, look what you got.

What, you can take Joey Logano home. Oh, dude, you can play that, you can go in the bed, with that car, you can go on the walls. Oh my God, we can even go out front on the sidewalk if you want. We can draw a course. Hmm. Can you make this noise?

Oh no. You can put it, you know what? You can drive Joey Lagana right into your Nazi book. We watch do it. Go pass, go pass the camera. Yeah. Good to come. Yeah.

Voice, voice, voice. You're a mere friend going by. Yeah. We never got to really over get into it with Gina Breone about Michael Winslow. I know. What is thing was backstage? Save my king.

Yeah. When you shake his hands, he always go like, what? What? Looks like I need a little bit of oil. When I met Frank Caliando in Arizona, I didn't know if we were always supposed to speak to each other in voices.

Oh, did you though? No. He was just cool. He's cool, shit. Was he really? Yeah. Did he give you any? Did you guys talk impressions at all?

No, but I wanted to ask him so many questions. He didn't bring it up at all. I mean the best John maddener all time. Were you worried that if were you worried is why worry to that he's gonna be too scientific on something to use just like I don't see you over thinking he goes no I'll analyze you know I honestly I slow it down the half speed I was more I love that shit. I was more worried that I was gonna annoy him And be like again with the John maddener all right, I'm like I just I was gonna annoy him. And be like again, with the John Madden, all right.

I'm like, I just, I used to listen to one on the ONA and I fucking love it. I think when Biff, I think when Biff just gets mad and he just wants to talk about it. He wants to talk about it. But his whole comedy is about being Biff. Yeah, and that's so funny. His comedy is about being Biff.

Oh, solely about that. Soley, but then he won't talk about it with you. Joe, let's tell me that when he worked with them, I've never worked with them, but Joe, let's work with them and he came back. This is right when we moved to New York. So we're both pretty low down in the scene. I mean, Joe was actually a comic.

He was like working, but I was an open-micre. And I remember him being like, can't talk about it with him. I'm like, can't at all? Now, you can't bring up the news and back to the future. But then he goes on stage and it's all about it. It's 100% about being back to the future. It's so bad. Do we have the...

A DM the bonfire? Yeah on Twitter on Twitter Twitter Black loose thought which one is in back to the future? Can you remember this biff? He's biff. It's the villain. Oh I'm sorry. I was Tom Wilson. I was thinking a very nice guy. I washed him snap on Joe cool Yeah, this is the video I was talking about Women's women's raised a Pennsylvania girl tough girls come from New York sweet girls come from Texas and Barb girls come from Cali But PA girls have fire nice in our blood. We can pack heat hang with boys bake cake love with passion if we have opinion you know damn

love with passion and if we have a pinion you know damn my yo he did it I love that it looks like you're gay little brother yeah you're like yeah big Jay why is your brother out there by the way that pause you had on could have just told people it was me yeah you game what's up on big Jay if you love corn fill it up you know this is 70 us fillilly girl. She's different. The soft breaths. I was saying this to Black Aloo. I was like, dude, I kind of think having a super gay Philadelphia boyfriend would rule

if you were gay, just a guy to knock around with and then fight, then fucking, then watch like a late NBA game. He's like, hey, babe, Pelicans are on. And you're like, he fucking tips sandwiches right into a managed york together. You don't know if it's coming there or not and you're not worried if there is. You got to wake up tomorrow, either tear down or defend the statue. Oh my god, you're both, I mean, what a life. You're one. Yeah, dude. You just both go to gun shows and hang out and harass people. Did that with the Philly when Bees are talking about that, the Philly statue is getting torn down

with people defending the statue. There you go. go everyone they're gonna tear down the Christopher Columbus statue I go is that what that was a statue? I know about statues is that bad legit. I thought it was a playwright. I go Those wall women It's not a poet Why are we who is that is that dude? You know It's not been frank when he goes you don't think that's Hitler. Oh, I got it No idea. We had a Hitler statue You know it's one of our friends went a little little hard and paint for a

Columbus statue Vecchio and really not like it like in like 2000 did he give like a it's history Yeah, it like 2000 When Ferguson happened it might have been Ferguson that's weird timing and no, but you know Black Lives Matter was marching or whatever and someone defaced the Columbus statue by us in Queens and Vecchio is like I mean, why do I do that? Why do I do that? He came home like upset. I'm like Hey, it's a statue. I don't know. It's not a big deal She's the skateboarder here that fucking threw pain all over the George Floyd

Statue no Skateboard just goes by and throws paint and I go all over it. That's gonna say they depict George Floyd. They say really I don't I hope they're having black people paint them because they always make them look pretty racist. I mean, there's pictures down town where his lips are covering his eyes. But there's great. It doesn't look like it. If you're the artist, you have to look you have to bring a black friend to be like, is this bad? He have to see what we've got to go like. Is this bad? It's okay.

And there you go. It's like a dude. I don't know. Alright, I'll start over. Alright. Well, I was watching Squid Game with Katie and like the head guys got like a black mask, but the way it had them like, yo, is this shit oddly racist? Like the way the face of the mask is?

Like the head the lips are like, it's crazy. Oh, they're like shapes. They're not lips. It's like lips, like, it's Koreans. Oh, they're like shapes. They're not lips. It's like circles squares and a triangle. The head guy. The head guy with the face. He has got lips where you're like,

that could be racist. Oh yeah, you're right. Yeah. And the Koreans, you know, if you ever watch videos of black people scaring Asians in like China or Korea, would they have like an Iron Man mask and they take it off into black

I'm like So Like my hands and these Korean people like look at this guy. It's a black guy to like that's surprised because like there This jacket is so insulated Jacob. I have to take it off. It's fire retardant Yeah, fire is being retarded around me. Yeah, I think it's fire retarded. Look at all those sponsorships. Look at this.

That's wild. Yeah, also who's just carrying around a can of tanks? Yeah, you and Square, and Christine wants to move back and look at the way people behave. He's like, I got this mother of pearl that I'm supposed to redo my bathroom with. What do you mean? I guess I could be.

The funniest thing in the world is it's not. It's obviously on purpose. But if you just actually just whiffed and tripped and spilled, you know, over there, you've got to go, oh my god. Oh my god, I swear to god, I'm so impressed. That's like one of those just for laugh, Frank. That you see when you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like,

also, I'm like, you're like, you're like, you're like, and then they come out and they go, oh, there's not even any of George Floyd's dead you! You do think we put, but it's just confetti? Yeah. Oh! Salavi! That's fucking balls, man.

Also, yeah, I mean, I mean, what a fucking whack. It's a weird, uh, daylight. It's a weird- Well, it's also just a weird defacing to go for it to throw it at like he didn't like Do anything personally political that you could disagree with like he's the guy that got killed by the cops and like Fuck you Fuck you for being a victim. Yeah, it's just really no way to like Fuck you George Floyd's the weird take-to-have. Yeah, but did you know that George Floyd was anti-hap pipe?

Yeah, but did you know that George Floyd was anti-hap pipe? Yeah, I got it, man. You know that he was anti-hated skate. Do you know that he was fucking anti-mic twist? You tell me that. How am I supposed to say a man? He protested the X games. He said that Ollie is wearing street legal. And if you've ever done a vert course,

exactly what that means. How you did? Racist skateboarders is fucking, because what's crazy? A weird faction. I mean, when we grew up, skateboarding was for white kids, and now black kids are dominating skateboard,

which is kind of fun to watch them get into. Like, it was like, what's the hockey? I think I was going, it was like, it was pretty mixed in the 90s, but I would say it was majority white. 90s still had a lot of like, it was mostly like for, for like all my black friends, it was majority white. 90s still had a lot of like, it was mostly like for all my black friends, it was like pretty much hip hop,

but they all still knew about like, so it's like skateboarding wasn't, didn't just seem like a white thing. You know what I mean? The black kids that were into like, different kinds of music other than like hip hop, like skateboard, didn't seem that way. Like the comic book kids, they were also in the comic book.

You know what I mean? It wasn't like really like, there's a lot that way. Yeah. Like the comic book kids, they were also in the comic book. You know what I mean? It wasn't really like a- There's a lot of crossover. Yeah. Yeah, but it's cool to see now, like you'll be like walking around and see just like a group of black kids skateboarding and you're like, all right. Yeah.

It's cool now. It's even cooler. Yeah. Then white people dunk it. It was dirty when I was in middle school. And now you're like, now it's cool. Everyone's got thrasher sweatshirts on. You're like, all right.

I'll tell you another thing. Razor's cool. Everyone's got thrasher sweatshirts on. You're like, all right, let me do this. I'll tell you another thing, a razor scooter. Cross is all race barriers. I mean, don't even start me on the scoot game. Cause you know, in Austin, I was just tearing it up on those electric scooters. Damn, I was tearing, I'll tell you what. I thought, as I tried one once,

that I was too fat for them. You're not. And then it just turns out I just had a broken one the first time I ever tried it, because I got on dance. He scooted right along. No problem. I'm gonna too, it was fun time I ever tried it because I got on dance. He scooted right along. No prob Fire and ask but I'll tell you this

You turn that thing out of that driveway onto a street now I'm terrified. Well, I'll tell you where it really got me was how Gay I felt when I would turn the corner and just be a line of people going to the show Oh, you see dudes I'm just scooting by, like, or just any guys at all. Just, I mean- I thought how I felt when I would see a group of people that were like cool going into a bar, and I'm like, I'm just scooting down this alley so I can go get high in my hotel room. I'm not getting more, I'm delivered. I love women's women, women, women's women's women's.

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