The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Please Don't Tell Me Who I Am

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

The crew shares their experiences with summer camps and find out about the time Jacob was the only non Hasidic person all Hasidic Jewish camp. The guys discuss the new documentary "Tell Me Who I Am" and how they would feel in the same situation.

You're listening to Comedy Central! Now! Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. Ocasin. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8 PM on Comedy Central Radio. Serious XM95 or on demand on the Serious XM app.

Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire SXM. Hey, it's Black Lou and you're listening to the bonfires best of the week Dan was in LA this week So the show was coast to coast on Monday show Dan and JTEL summer camp memories from when they were kids Unfortunately, I never got to go to a summer camp as a kid because my parents actually loved me Dude, I went to a campground dance one time, and it was Dude, I went to a campground dance one time, man, and it was fucking camptastic. It was really good. I went to that fructly. It was so fat and fructly that campground dance.

When I went to a summer camp dance, I asked the cute girl out of crush on. If she wanted to dance, she goes, I'm really tired. And you're like, oh, yeah, at a dance Yeah, I'm signing. No, there was gonna be music here. I thought I was gonna chill against the wall Then I just ate it. I was like, yeah, totally I get it Real tired if you were you now you go back and tell you little stuff to go give me to when we get out of here Yeah, I'm tired too. You want to go to bunk six. I'm gonna. I'm in the mohawk cabin Dude, did you you went to sleep wake camp? Yeah shut up dude cheers in a row didn't know that so that story's from yeah the first year

Yeah, I threw it up the second year and went home early the first year. It was like I actually had a great time How long did you go for you go for like 10 days? Okay? a little over a week. No, it was a, it was in Gran B Colorado. It was like a summertime, right? You go for like a month. There's kids that do a whole month. I did like 10 days and it was like fun.

The first year I met these kids, Corey and James from Texas and we became friends and like it was fun to hang out with them. We were kind of like the three of us. And then Corey was, he was a, he's one of those little kids with a six pack. He died for me. You know, yeah, yeah, you got killed from his hot body. He got the cute girl that didn't want to dance with me ended up being his like summer camp girlfriend. Oh, that whole thing. So you just, you just got to be cool about it. You go, no, I'm really happy that that Morgan girl likes you. You fucking jacked child.

You should have bright side things. Because if she was only not so tired to dance with me, she would have seen. Damn, she should, she just would have seen my moves. And then the second year, second year I went back, they put me in a Korean James didn't come back. Oh, shit. A bunch of kids from Denver that were like friends.

I was the only one that wasn't one of their friends in the cabin. It just did not work. And then I got food poisoning. No, I got like, I got food poisoning like the second day and I was like fuck this. Think back. Did you or did you just wanna get out of there?

No. I think me wanting to get out, I think I became happy when I realized it was a way out. Yeah, they're like, are we gonna say, you know what I'm saying? I'm sorry, you wanna, yeah, yeah. Ah! Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I really, once I realized it was a ticket home, I sold the shit out of it. Sort of flopping. Yeah, I was Vlottie Devawking it. I was taking charges that weren't charges. You doing all the fucking ferris fuel? I fall, my hands are coming. I fall. Yeah, I was bloody devocgin it. I was taking charges that weren't charges you doing all the fucking Ferris beautiful my hands are coming. Yeah, no, I was actually throwing up but Yeah, I started making more noise when I realized it could get me sick

Oh, and then that was the best because my mom was like are you sick? And I was like yes, and you were able to come home I got to go home and then I was just I saw a sleep away Can't with my Sega check if you go to sleep way camp. No never. No ever. Never go. Weekend camp. Weekend. You don't sleep there. Where's that like work release? Yeah I never even heard of weekend camp. I heard of weekend. You know you because you know you clean up a highway and then you go back. You know you're going to go with your dad.

It was fucking community service. I think you're going to go with your dad. There was fucking community service. I think you're doing court-ordered community service. It was a half ass experience. You didn't sleep there either. No, there's no body camp. Yeah, there's a day camp. Yeah, I went to day camp only. I would have flipped out a silly working book. I would have flipped.

I would have fucking, dude, I just flipped out a Disney world. I would have flipped out a sleep way camp. Yeah, dude. I thought I went to sleep way camp and flipped out. She went for like three days. And flipped out and every day I talked around the phone, I was like, I get it. I get it.

It's a nightmare. You don't want to be, I was not helping it all. It's a nightmare. You miss all of your things. You think it's not going to be the same when you come back. What if something terrible happens? That's why you're gone. But listen, everything's going to be fine.

So have fun. Yeah. What do you think that we're gonna just fucking get rid of you and never won't love you the same when you come back, maybe? But try to ask him from there. Yeah, it is, it was a thing where I hated it. The first day I was there, then loved it. And the second year I went, it just sucked.

Yeah, the situation was bad. I can see a situation being bad right away. However, on a long sleep way camp, if you, I feel like if you've good situations with girls, it's the best, probably memories forever. And I just think if you are an outcast at fucking summer camp, it might be the thing that makes you shoot a pommel. Okay, the cooking thing can put you over. Because that's where it gets clicky.

And you don't even have the solace of your home and family at least to to be like hey you all right you know it's like we love you and you know you get that positive read for you just go to bed in the place where people are like hey dork stop staring at my chick I'm gonna beat you up yeah I win the first year I went I was like oh this is gonna suck and my mom was like I think you should do it I did it you should do go to like sleep away camp and I was like all right I'll it, and I just was like, this is gonna fucking blow, and I loved it. I had such a good time. And then the second year I went in cocky, like, woo, let's get the band back together. That's a dominant bitch.

No one showed, and I was in it with a different group of people, and I was like, this fucking sucks. For the most part, that's where I said, I wanna look to camp as it was a way to meet girls from other schools. Or you know, guys, guys from other schools for the girls. When you got a little bit older, by the way, I'm not talking about being like a, you know, peanut butter and jelly in your bag, young. But when you're going, you're like,

I guess I stopped going, but I feel like 10-11. My dad's, I want to, he sent me to a religious camp. Oh my what the worst. You make a prize for what a fucking cocksman he was. You can traumatizing experience in my life. Jacob I have to teach you the Torah properly. What kind of you play a game. You play it right Jacob. You can run through all that fucking hot Jewish. I was never religious. I'm dad. I don't know what it I guess it was

important to him. Yeah, he's used to crush it at summer camp Dude you thought you were gonna go there do the same But it was like an all-out it is a cornucopia of pussy It was you understand if you have a tiny bit of personality You will have a wet summer and by that I mean your penis will be in damn vagina I remember it was run by like Hasita guys and the one of the most... This is when I broke. I cried at camp because... The smell?

They went in, well, wait on that, Jay. Sure. They made... We were bus to an indoor pool. Mm-hmm. And all of the Hasita guys stripped to their underwear and the, with the prayer shawl, and jumped in the water and then like we're telling me to get in. Oh yeah. I wasn't having any of it. Wait, so you were in your fought? They're like get in the water is nice and warm by yourself and a bunch of

Hasidic old men. It was, no, I mean, there were all ages, but Oh, oh, that's the campers. The campers all got down to the underwear. The counselors, everyone was like Hacidic, except for you. The curls and everything, except for just you. Except for him. I didn't know what the fuck was happening. Yeah, I wanted to go home so bad. You're the only one who wasn't Hacidic there.

Yes. That's true. Brother is in like some other part of the camp. And then what are your next all kinked up, dude? That's fucking crazy. I rolled up into a ball in the corner of the pool would never get in and and and was couldn't wait to go home. Jacob got molested by hostage. I couldn't believe what was what I did. He got close. He got he got he got flown by. You knowayke get in here jayke up jayke up

he's on the water points jayke up take a dip jayke up jayke up jayke up jayke up

the water's fine the water's fine jayke up look at my shmeckles floating jayke up oh look at that my zero g-shmeckle

oh jayke oh hey it looks like it's hiding in an napkin must have in my Torah my Torah shaw uh... it's my weenus it was the how long was the how long

jake up how long was the camp how long sleep was it it was a date no no it was a day camp so they bust all okay i thought you stay there no no i wouldn't do it i would never go to a sleep i suck the day camp even your best friend. I dream of having that That meeting a girl at summer camp No, I never had that happen. No way. They have to wear wool clothes and no deodorant and hot summer and jumped in a Yeah, man, they're underwear. They weren't wearing

Oh man, though. That must have been so cool. Oh man man, wasn't one girl there. No, no. Oh, this was for Lidges, no way. Hey, it's Black Lou again, and on Tuesday's show, we talk about the Netflix documentary Tell Me Who I Am. Just for future reference, guys, if this ever happens to me, do not tell me who I am. Please. Has anybody in the room watched that documentary already told us about Tell Me Who I Am? I haven't read the documentary, but I read an article about it that made me want to watch it about what

the documentary is about and it's fucking crazy so spoiler alert everybody if you're listening I will say that just because it's worth saying for the funny how much fun me and Dan were laughing at with this on the phone it's a story about two twin brothers very interesting documentary one gets to a major car accident when he's 19 I believe or 20 Or motorcycle accident actually dirt bike it seems like and we said but wakes up in the hospital. He's a twin brother calls us twin brothers name And you know, I say hey, what's going on Marcus? What's why am I in the hospital? And he starts telling all this stuff and then the mom walks in the room

And he has no idea who the mom is and then realizes he has no idea anything other than his twin brother and his twin brother's name. Which is very interesting. That's the only thing you woke up with. Yeah, that's crazy. So then his brain damage. Yeah, then his twin brother goes on for the next several years. These are your friends. This is your family. This is where we live. They lived very weird. They slept in a shed outside of a big, big house, the two of them together. Wait, so they weren't allowed in the house? Their outdoor sons? Yeah, am I right, Christine, about that? They weren't allowed in the house, really.

Where they tied to a tree early? They had a shed and they lived in their shed. It wasn't really that they weren't allowed in the house. They weren't allowed to have keys to the house, so they could only come and go on the mom's command and then they had a shed where they kind of like made it there. Oh, can I ask a follow up? Sure.

Was it a tough shed? Mm, no, because those were not tough shed. No, it was like a chambers of a house. Kind of thing, they came came from a wealthy family. They're British, correct? British, yes. It does seem like something where they think twins are a birth defect, so they're like,

you both shilling outside. I won't tell you the whole, well anyways, the brother paints for him this picture, yes Christine, you can say something. No. The brother paints a picture for the one that has no memory of their childhood being this like ideal childhood thing. You see a picture of them at a beach and it'd be like, as we went to the beach.

And this is, that was a great time. It's a family trip. It's a routine none of his memories, correct? Nothing. He has no idea who he is. Except his brother and his brother's name. Yes. It's it.

So then you can basically lie to him. So he does. He tells him his ideal life and with the, you know, I won't give away the second kind of holy shit moment, but the first one is all these years later, as part of the documentary, they realized years ago that there was something wrong. He was like, wait a second, when the mom died, they found some stuff and it was like this Something weird happened didn't it our childhood wasn't what you told me it was and the guy was like no It's not and then he wouldn't tell him what it was

What did happen? So he was he realized that his brother his twin brother that he woke up from the motorcycle accident knowing And it had filled in and filled in his childhood Realized he realizes that the brother lied to him about stuff. Yes, but he didn't find out exactly what it was yet. And the brother said, I'm not telling you. Yeah, I don't want to tell you. So they don't speak for years and years.

And on this documentary, he finds out some of them. Is this the guy that is he holding it against his brother? He's like, he won't tell me what happened. Yeah, he's angry at me. He is angry at me. Yeah, of course. Yeah, if you wake up from a motorcycle accident, he's like,, he won't tell me what happened. Yeah. He's angry at me. He is angry at me. Yeah, of course. Yeah, if you wake up from a motorcycle accident,

he's like, I'm not going to tell you what happened to your childhood, you're like, I want to know. Yeah, well, he did tell me, he just told him all lies. But good lies, gave him a good look. He had a good life. Sure. He ended up getting married and all kinds of shit. It was fine, but when they sit down at a table

so we could officially tell him what happened, yeah, on the documentaries, his first time hearing it in real time in the documentary. It was, I was having so much fun laughing with you saying the guy is so desperate to find out what happened. And I'm like, man, do you really want to find information like that? And we're just having fun with your happens because they sit across each other from the table and go, lay it on me, man. Anything in the world you can tell me right now I'm prepared. I've been building this up for 30 years. It couldn't be worse. Lay it on me man, anything in the world you can tell me right now I'm prepared

I've been building this up for 30 years. It couldn't be worse Mommy's to show your chest son of a bitch. I gotta go. I didn't goddamn it. I was wrong. I was wrong He goes I'm telling you I'd I Can handle what every you're gonna fucking throw at me. Well, you're not gonna like this dad war you as a masturbation puppet every night You fuck. Oh shut fuck. Shut up. Don't say anymore. Whoa, I thought I wanted to know, but I don't. It stings and it's sad.

Well, what it is is the mom and the mom's friends, their socialite friends were just basically passing around those two kids and they'd sit them overnight and everyone could fuck them and do whatever they wanted to and it was, it was a, it's seen like nonstop and like, and they kept them in the. It was, it was, it's like nonstop in life. And they kept him in the shed. That's kind of, that's kind of a little insult to injury. Well, I'm sorry, where do you keep your flesh lights?

I don't know if you keep, yeah, but I feel like if you're gonna fuck your head. You were sleeping in your mom's closet or end table? No, dude. I don't want it out there collecting dust. I don't know what it's gonna bring in it. But also we were saying that how you could fuck with them when you tell them the actual truth.

It was like, mom used to molest us and send you off and go, they used to take you a lot more, the friends, because like, I think honestly, honestly, if I recall correctly, I think you liked it. I think you liked it a lot. Doing the Cory Feldman and just like, and making a, and just burying your friend. It just took a phase like, he goes,

and then mom's friends used to just take us for a weekend. They would have sex for a weekend. But they only did it one at a time because you were much more popular I think I think they said you like really threw into it like you took it well you were actually fucking stopped they told me they like they said they liked you because they you seem to like it that's what all they said I was always complaining and like actually not being gay and then they said the other one that you took to it fished a water man. I mean it was almost The first guy was like this is your first rodeo If one of the guys was a bully to the other one

So he's just kind of saying it meaner. He's gonna like you know They were saying I was probably too cool, and I probably shouldn't be fucked like that But they were saying like you loved like you lived Yeah, you're like hey, can I go away with whatever your friends names are again? Yeah. They would honestly just, sometimes they'd just take you for weeks and I just live at home alone

and that was kind of nice. Yeah, it was nice. I get a break from it. I hated it. It was not my thing at all. But now I tell you what. Dad and I, dad and I talk to more, you know? But I'm loved to fuck you with her friends.

Sounds crazy. That's my, that's my whole point. That's my whole point with the Fel Dog hamster shit. It's like he is just burying his dead friend. Yeah, well this isn't, I mean, this is burying the dead mom, but I mean, it seems pretty legit. This is what's going on. Well, you said they found pictures and shit.

Yeah, they found pictures themselves like naked with the heads cut off and stuff. I don't advertise them or something. The mom was a creepy look. We said they found pictures and shit. Yeah, they found pictures themselves like naked with the heads cut off and stuff. I don't advertise them or something. The mom was a creepy look. The whole thing, I thought the secret was gonna be the mom was a trans. And nope, not just a fucking ugly woman.

Yeah, you're like, I got money on this lady. Yeah, by the way, pre-war trans. Injury to insult, or insult to injury, getting less about your mom, your mom's even hot. Oh, dude, yeah. If you're gonna get sucked off about your mom your mom's even hot uh... if you're gonna get sucked off by your mom you want to be a big which looks up you want to use koga is a good looking woman

you know what mom or not good looking woman as a flip a switch but that but him saying that at that table being like tell me exactly what it is he's like our ugly ass mom used to suck your dick Oh Man you should really you at least give me is that the worst thing don't tell me that's gotta be the worst thing right you started with that

I don't want to hear anymore. I'm wrong. I'll see you in 30 years dude You used to sleep by back floating in a bathtub over friends come oh God no Fuck it stop it floating in a bathtub over friends come. Oh, God, no. Fuck it, stop it. I just checked the lines. I wanted to check the perimeter. I can handle it, man. Whatever you tell me, what's the worst?

Would a mom used to have sex? Was there something crazy like that? Yeah. Oh. That's what it was. Wasn't it, it was. Well, also her friend used the gang bag. Geez, Louise.

Stop. Also, they took your favorite teddy bear and that was their comrade. Oh. And he goes, well, also her friend used the gang baguette. Jeez Louise! Stop! Also they used, they took your favorite teddy bear and that was their comrade. Oh! Patches! Fucking, Mr. Pickles. Mr. Pickles used the wipe-up com. I thought he was just super-posable.

Oh, no, I like, I called him Crunchy Bear after the age of seven. Yeah, I do this. That's fucking... I'm not sure I'm rushing my teeth over him or something. I don't know, I thought I drooled on him when I saw that. He turns out he was just mopping up the fucking governor's come on my back. Oh man. That's fucking crazy.

That just sucks to just ask your brother, like give me the worst advice and you're like Give me the worst thing give me the worst thing a worth backwards in there how bad could it be? Crackle crackle on Wednesday show we talk about a law-sangulous police officer that was caught fondling a dead woman's breasts during an investigation Maybe this guy was just being a good Samaritan and looking for breast cancer, right? an investigation. Maybe this guy was just being a good Samaritan and looking for breast cancer, right? Can we talk about that article that was sent to me on the drive over here? Through Los Angeles Traffa.

The cop. It was a lot. Yeah, the cop. Yeah, it's so funny. A veteran Los Angeles police officer is under investigation after his body, worn camera, captured him allegedly fondling a dead woman's breasts. The officer who was assigned to downtown Central Division was placed on leave.

One supervisor reviewed the footage during a random inspection. LAPD officials said, I couldn't do that. Hold on, hold on. That means they just said that they were doing it during a random inspection, which means there was a guy just watching body cam thing

and he's like eating a sandwich and he goes, hold on, go back. Yeah. He goes, oh my god, this is so boring. Why don't you just give tickets and blah, blah, blah. He goes, he goes, yeah, he goes, he goes, oh, there back. Yeah. He goes, oh my god, this is so boring. Why'd she just give tickets? And blah, blah, blah. He goes, he goes, oh yeah, he goes, he goes, oh, there's someone dead.

That's crazy, what the fuck? Go back again. Ron Reed has go back. Yeah, like, Darlene, I'm telling you, as soon as I'm done reviewing this footage, you think I want to sit here, it's so boring. Hang on, baby, I'm off to call you back in a second. We got that night.

He's moving reaction, we got, he goes, well, I don't know, then we'll just watch it when I get home. Hey, hold on a second, let me call you back. Lottery guys, you might want to get in here. Yeah. You guys got to see this footage. Babe, I just got to finish this footage,

and I'll make the reservation time, I promise. We're going to have dinner together tonight. I don't know, second babe. I'm gonna have to cancel these plans. Yeah, yeah, no, I don't like that I'm on body cam footage detail either, you know, but I took my car through that building to arrest that perp and this is just kind of what I got. Babe, I love being a police officer, but I love you more.

Of course I'm gonna be home. Hold on a second. Put that back. You play that back. Babe, I'll have to. Hold on a second. Like that back. Bad old call you back. Yeah. Run that back one more time. Run that back. And in his last years she goes, the fuck?

The he didn't. Fuck is he doing? To the incident occurred when the officer and his partner respond to a call about a possible dead woman in a residential unit. Well, there's better. No way better. We find out if she's definitely or possibly dead. Squeeze your titties. Yeah, if she's like, oh, crap, her titties goes, get your fucking mitts off of me. Young man. She goes, ah, ah, cover kit. Hey, is it fucked up to say before I judge the guy, I gotta see, Hey, is it fucked up to say before I judge the guy I got to see like

There must be a reason if it's an old gross or Disgusting kind of situation because if you're saying if it's a smoke show If it's a hot corpse fire this dude. He's a fucking he's a creep He's a what do you call that what do you call it? Not a narcoleptic a necrophilia He's a what do you call that what do you call it not a narcoleptic a necrophilia? What you're saying if the girl is hot fire him yeah, if the girls hot He was going in for some tit, but if not he may have been trying like maybe she had a big fat sloppy Titty was trying to get on the gurney like you have no idea What if we're watching the fat sloppy tit that was fall to side of the gurney and there's kids in that neighborhood Wait hold on what if he think about these things there? What, what if him and his partner think about these things there?

What if him and his partner were just having a real work conversation? He's like, I'm telling you, those lay like natural tits, it's Los Angeles, half the women here got fake tits, he goes, nah, that lays like a fake titty goes, look at this, Jensen, this isn't a fake titty. You're going to put all the body tits just in. Boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, look, that looked like a fake titty you, get the fuck outta here. Put all the body

Look that look like a fake tit to you get the fuck out of you maybe he has this fucking maybe he had to like get like squeeze a fake Tiddy into a body bag We know I did hard is Jenna hardest get some huge old fucking fake tips to a They were they released a name of the corpse. I'd like to look up her Instagram for that huh. I'm looking for it. I look to check out her Instagram Oh man if you're the corpse is boyfriend You're a little salty at the police officer's like dude what the fuck me? Oh wow all the this is the best part Although the officer deactivated the camera. All right now. It's getting fissure Yeah, a two-minute buffer on the device captured the incident The farmer's also investing in the office work history, dude. That's great. He goes look at those titties

Turn the thing off right here and Tune in to He had to look down at his chest and find the button You see you see these other fingers dangling in front of it? Like, this is... Nobody did it. He did the into his chest talk. First he got his partner out of there.

He goes, Carlson, I done the body. Give me a second. I'm going to make sure the room is clear. Anyway. Here. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It goes. Yeah, it's rockin' roll. Yeah. Yeah And he goes yeah, it's rockin roll. Yeah powering down. Yeah It's time to do it. Hey Gonzalez. Why don't you get us a coffee a coffee? We are deal with the dead body Gonzalez she ain't going nowhere get me a coffee Do you want to do the paperwork then all right? I'll go get the coffee. I thought he never leave. Hey, he goes like this, he goes,

look at these jiggly cats. Look at these big old jiggle cats. God, I know it. If you're a necrophilia and you're a guy like a coroner, and really, how great would those audios be? I'm just talking to a corpse like that. I thought we'd never get by ourselves ever. I'm not gonna lie, dude.

If I worked, I think if I worked as a, as what are those called, a mortician? Yeah, mortician? I feel like I talked to the bodies. I definitely would talk to the bodies. I wouldn't talk to the bodies, but I just know myself, nothing like, I look at every titty pussy and dick.

I would just want to check him out and see what everyone's working on. I would have, I would do voices for the dead bodies. Yeah. Well, I would get an ever take that job. Good luck to meet somebody who really does that job. It's like no, I'm absolutely completely normal. It's not a crazy thing at all to be that comfortable with. It's fucking bananas. It's bananas. Doesn't peg your leery's a comic. She grew up above a mortgages here. He has his funeral. It's my girl.

That's so eerie. Hey, it's Big J. Overson. And I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bonfire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6 p.m. Eastern on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bond Fire at SexM. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.