The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Putting Up Blinders (w/Jessica Kirson & Andy Fiori)

Episode Date: June 15, 2020

B-Rod & Christine dish the dirt on ejaculation with a pulsating edition of “Cum Talk”. Dan & Jay are joined by Jessica Kirson and Andy Fiori as they detail their reactions when other comics eclipsed their careers. The next generation of Bonfire family is on the way and the crew discuss their hopes and desires for their children ending with some great advise from a father to his son.

You're listening to Comedy Central! BAM! Hey, I'm Big J. Operson, and I'm Dan Soder, and you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire live every Monday through Thursday from 6th 8PM on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bonfire SXM.

Yo, this is Blackloo and welcome to the Bonfires Best of the Week. Executive producer Christine Evans and Becky Rodriguez has some very interesting answers about the male ejaculate when they set the record straight with Comtalk. One of my favorite in recent history porn searches is how do you look it up to the call? You look at body shots. Is that what it's called? It's a compilation, but that's like that's pulling out of the pus and just hitting the face from like between the legs. And I mean like I may have four of those on my complete record. That's more distance. That's more accuracy than distance. I would think that's pretty good distance. And that is pretty good distance. That is pretty good distance

But I would feel like if you hit a seven foot shot, you just have to watch it leave like Barry Mons He's standing there and look at it Like you're hand over your eyes You can flip the rest of the come that came out of your dead And then just take a slow trot around the room. Yeah, you know You know, it's actually pretty rude to do that in sex circles. You're not supposed to watch her come, Shaco.

You hit the girl on the face and she goes, oh, take your bases. Oh, wow. OK, Barry bonds. I've now heard from, and maybe a B-rod come back this up. That, you know, look, some girls love big dicks. Some girls really don't care. No one likes tiny dicks. That's for sure. You don't know that. They're pretty run into with very tiny vaginas. I think there's

girls that can get over tiny dicks, but like, I think no girl likes a tiny dick. I think most girls are fine with an average dick, and I think some girls like big dicks, although Christine, well, only Christine and Alex Scarlotto from Skanks have supported this, but very much so that the, a girl is actually more, like feels like more satisfied. Like if a guy just shoots like a drizzler,

like seeps out and just gets like a little dot right on the, right on the beef, versus like really like raining down. Like girls do see that as a sign of like I did something better Because I got more like like it's better a girl enjoys more a large come shot. You're saying that yeah They enjoy it more when they pop the bottle of champagne. I would feel better like if the beds wet Yeah, yes, I feel better when the beds what? It could be a part part of the reason why girls take birth control also,

because it feels good, you know, inside. Really, getting that done up in you? Yeah, nice. Oh, there it is. And I'm not inside, you're like, oh wow. It feels like good in a way that nothing else does. Does it feel like getting a, I don't have a vagina, but I would imagine it feels like

a squirt gun shooting in you? Yeah, like a warm squirt gun. Like, we see the concept of the feeling. You have to understand it's like when you also feel like it's when you guys are at like your top notch is like right is it's happening. Well, I don't know because I brought this up on Real Ass podcast when they were saying like,

I think if you're gay and you had a dude come in your butt, I don't know if it would feel like it would be itchy I mean like second he shot you'd be like oh get out get out. Where's B-Rot take us? I thought you just take us to see angels come shot Yeah, she goes watch she goes across the room. She goes you could see the distance now watch this She's met now watch this. I couldn't imagine the feeling of how can you, because we don't have pussies, but we do have but holes, but I couldn't imagine like feeling like something you jacked out of something that's inside. I mean, I don't know. Let me ask you a question, because me, you nor, you know, I think Becky and Christina, the only two that have blown a guy, but is

that weird when they come in your mouth? Is it like a squirt gun? That's got to feel you know, I think Becky and Christina, the only two that have blown a guy, but is that weird when they come in your mouth? Is it like a squirt gun? That's got to feel like rough. That always like tickled my cheeks whenever I would, you know, when you're like a little and you're just at the pool and you're just on the mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Squirt gun. The mouth and always tickle the pressure. The pressure is too much. I mean, what's the velocity? You're fucking fire and out here, damn. Supersoaker dog. What's worse is when you can tell that you have like a light load. Yeah, on a swallow beach. Like, yeah, it was really nothing.

Yeah, it's a half-port shot. You're just like, I don't know. You know something. You wanted to come out like a mini driver and a good one hunting, which did her joke. You want to go like, I'll move those blocks. Okay. You got that.

That's really funny because I never I never thought about that. Yeah, wet sheet, Christine's right. A wet sheet does make me feel like, look at that, huh? Look at looking, got water balloon. I just think she peas. Yeah, you just think that's how she gets out of it. I just think, no, I just feel like it's like my weight on top of somebody has just made them piss. Oh, Jay, you just think that's how she gets out of it. I just think no, I just feel like it's like my weight on top of somebody It's just made them piss. Oh, you're screaming. Oh, Jay you're squeezing the piss out of me That guy fucked the piss right out of me. Oh

God, I'm fucking little got him dripping. I'm dripping. I'm dripping. Come no piss a lot of piss Hey, it's black luigan and after telling tales of revenge everyone learned a valuable lesson about the hosts of the bonfire Don't cross Dan or Jay or some gross stuff could happen to you Listen here. I'm gonna throw us to the whole crew here. Someone's got something. What's the most vengeful? Thing like you've ever done like as far I would tell you Go good. No, I know exactly what you're talking about I think I told the story on the bonfire. I was with Morgan, the guy I was talking about. And he hooked up with this girl that he met at school.

And he was like, yeah, dude, we can go to their dorm apartment. Come with me. We're going to be drinking. And I was like, yeah, awesome. He's like, she's got a friend. And I went. And he was immediately hooking up with the girl he knew. So he was just me and the friend.

And we're like hanging out. And she was like, talking to me. And she's like, are you in a frat? And I was like, no, I'm not in a frat. And she was like, oh, well, like do you go out? And I was like, oh, I don't really have any money, you know, like I kind of just work at this radio station. But like, I get to go to concerts and she was like, you don't have any money. And I was like, no, she goes, okay, thanks. And then the left. This is the living room.

And she went into the room where my friend Morgan was hooking up with her friend. And she started getting dressed. And she's like, I'm gonna go out. I think the guys from Sigma knew have like a party or something. And I was just sitting in the living room and I was like, wait, what's going on? And she's like, it was that kind of thing where I went and I was like, Morgan, what's going on? And he threw me the keys to his truck.

And he's like, yeah, dude, sorry. I don't know what's going on. And the girl was like, okay, just such an out of pocket bitch face. She left. She left before me and I was like, well, here we go. You went into that thinking you were gonna fuck? Yeah. I wouldn't think of like, no, I wouldn't think of not that that I was gonna fuck but like that there was a girl that was like she

was really like 70 sitcom like she's good for you and I was like oh okay you know when like she uh she was a real she was a tiny skinny blonde lady with a really big nose so the second she walked out I was like fucking I wouldn't that's when I went to the bedroom I was like hey toki and sam just fucking left what am i supposed to do it is like it's like our keys and i just come going follow your nose uh... i went into the living room and was a spiteful as fuck i took her remote control

i threw it in the trash can because no one looks for the remote the trash can two boxes of caprice sons put them out in the hallway. Those are mine now. And then I went into the bathroom and I just pissed all over the shower handle in Erlupa. Hell yeah. And then I fucking smoked some of their weed, took some and then went and got in the truck and drove back up to Hyna Road, got some waffle house. had two boxes of Capri Suns in the back of the fucking Tacoma. Jesus. I mean, that's a good prize though. Listen man, honestly, if we're being real honest, if you're broken, you have two boxes

of Capri Sun, not two pouches. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's a big score, dude. Super spiteful, super spiteful. That girl did nothing wrong. She just didn't want to

hook up with me, which sure she was a big bitchy for sure. She's being a bitch. That's definite, but she's just a vapid plot. I think I'm the most happy about was the remote in the trash. That's a good one. Hopefully she might throw some food on it. I'll tell, uh, I'll tell the two things that are mine. I think I may have told this to the bonfire too. but for one, one I know in something, I believe it was like maybe soup or something, but like really angry at my stepfather when I was like a pretty little kid.

I like spit in his soup. Wow. Yeah. Oh man, that just made me think of another. Which sounds like crazy heinous. Which sounds crazy heinous, but I was like, so like I wanted to do something shitty to him But like I didn't I don't think you know I wasn't that evil so I think I even was just like you know

It's like a like you know, I mean wasn't like I didn't fucking like hang along around even had to do that to this day But like I just kind of like whatever it was it's still fucking gross that and then the the one I always have is I had some drinks. I was staying at I was Maybe my first time ever like headlining, I don't know if it was a night or something at a stress factory. Yeah. And Julian McCullough was the host and these girls came back to the hotel. Like he kind of brought the girls back to the hotel.

Sure. And he was like hanging out in my room. And then like, and there was like, you know, a better looking one and a less good looking one. The better looking one was already, of course, all over G easy. Gorgia. That's like, you're there, Julian brought it there. Yeah.

And I'm like, I'm like sure. And the final. But the other one was, it was like a bad looking girl. You know, I don't remember her being like unattractive at all. It was just like a one was like, wow. And the other one was like, she's cute. Which was fine with me. And then like, Julie went in the bathroom with the one

and got in the shower, got in the shower with him. Yeah. And like, which is weird in my room, very odd. Is what I got. He had his own room. Huh? He lived down there. He lived there.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, forgot. He went to Rutgers. Yeah, so he, so he's in the shower, the one went to Rutgers. Yeah, so he He's in the shower the one and then the other girl like didn't want to hold it on you guys I'm not like aggressive so I didn't like go for it and she didn't seem to be like yeah that like up for anything But you're like all right. I guess we're just kind of chill here, and then she's like Chick-knocks in the bathroom door and it's like it's so is that can I come in? And then again, and then she got the shower with them all. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Do you know losing a girl to a friend in the threesome is that stings. Yeah. So

he's in there with two girls looking up. Two sets of giggles and Julian with all those his hands everywhere. I was like, hey guys, I'm coming and I have to take a piss. I mean just downtrod. Really? I was like, hey guys, I'm coming and I have to take a piss. I mean, just downtrodden. Really, I was like, I gotta take a piss. And I look, oh, and the lights are all off, but like, I have four open seconds. I can see the lights. And I was sitting there and I was like,

and I just hear them in the shower like, you know, you're like, yeah. Yeah, and I was like, and then I'm on the full drinking piss all over those girls close Like 15 minutes later, remember they left dude is coming up. They just assumed the shower like I think I think I think I'll leak in your shower and they walked out and piss I mean so thin pissed their clothes and they left like 15 minutes later, you know I mean, so thin pissed their clothes and they left like 15 minutes late, you know, I So got it funny to even Joey and I told him right after they left and he was left because I saw But again, you know, that's like early 20's there's I wouldn't do anything like that now

I don't think maybe but I don't think I would DJ Lou you got to have a wicked spice story I've been thinking about it the whole time. I don't not really that spiteful when I was younger. Vengeful. Vengeful. My brother would be the one that would get revenge. Like the only thing I didn't tell you, my twin. We were at this bar one time with a really good friend of mine's daughter and she was our age and she didn't want to go with my brother and his reply to her was, well you better keep showcasing those tits honey because that's all you got in life. And it's really, she's on that straight to the was, well you better keep showcasing those tits, honey, because that's all you got in life. Whoa. And it's really, she's sort of straight to the face, vengeful.

Yeah, she cried and ruined the friendship between her dad and us. Oh, shit, he just walked past. I got to stop at the story. Oh, man, yeah, Will's just attacked you. He's like, fuck you, dude. Why you fucking air in there? He told me shit, dude. But you said spiteful stuff um...

i did spiteful stuff all the time is a waiter i stuck my finger on my button fucking mixed a margarita hell yeah you really crammed it in the hole or just got some of the cracks wet all i legitimately one of the three times i've ever put my finger on my butt yeah the other two are for pledge the other two are just seeing what's what's going on in the head of being. He said it's annual.

One was a vacation. I hope we did it with the old. This is where on a rock. It was one of those things where, yeah, Jay, one of those was for work, two of those were vacation. Dan, what is the guy, Jim? It wasn't a guy. It wasn't just for the party. Yeah, I know. I know once the pay taxes, two's for saving.

But yeah, one for petty cash, two for a look at it. That's retirement fund homes. But he, no, so Christina was two thousand and eight or two thousand nine. It was when the economy collapsed. The crash and then it was just like all rich European people. It was all like really rich Spaniards, really rich British people. Absolutely right when I moved here. It's like September, O.A. Yeah, yeah, yeah, everything went to shit and it was like,

yeah, so it might have been O9. It might have been O9, cause it was cafe season. And this four top of Spaniards, I was closing lunch. I was out on the cafe, so it definitely was 09, or I don't know who gets the fuck. And when the thing crashed, was it like noticeable? Like really? Like you saw people not coming out to rush stuff like that. I didn't notice the crash in my world at all. I was working in Midtown as the crash happened that day during the day. And usually, when

I'd wait tables at those Caminos, you'd have the lunch rush, which would be around 1130 to 230. And then 230 to five was pretty much dead. Like as a closer, you'd get whatever table came into the restaurant. So you're just hoping for tables. The day the 2008 crash, I was, I was me and one other closer because cafe was open. And, you know, it was like 230 lunch rush ended and we're like, ah, all right, now it was a good

pop. What do you want to do? I'd go smoke a cigarette, come back drink soda, you know, I'd always be just filling my soda can or my soda glass up at the fucking thing. Have them make a guac that I would hide in one of the hutches and just eat guac in a red go back there. And so I'm just like hanging out chilling. And all of a sudden it's like you see it at the host stand like four businessmen come in and they go out to the cafe and I was like, oh shit, I forgot who else closed with my buddy, my buddy Craig. And I was like, hey, I got I got one 41 and then all of a sudden another four top came in. Then a two top came in. It's all guys, all guys in their suits. And you'd sit down and you walk over, be like, what's going on guys?

And I would probably say 90% of the tables would just hand me a credit card. And they'd go Patron, Margarita and a shot of Patron. And you're like, well, yeah, fuck yeah. And then we had a, you know, we had a TV in the bar. And it was like The stock market might have crashed or whatever and then we noticed that it was the cafe filled up and we were in the weeds almost instantaneously And it was all drinking and then it just kept going it was like 230 to 330 330 to 430 by 4 o'clock

There were guys in the bathroom throwing up like in suits throwing up in the bathroom. And then you found out these were all expense accounts. These were all guys from Lehman Brothers, from Blackstone, from Bear Stearns. That's where all these offices were. It wasn't down on Wall Street. It was like in Midtown. So these guys were just coming in and fucking blowing money on their corporate accounts. I didn't give a fuck. I was ringing up everything. I walked that day, Craig and I each walked with like, or am I not have been Craig? Might have been my buddy, Eli. 350. We each walked with 350, which on a lunch shift is like in same, like compared to what that's like. Are you getting this somewhere in there? Are you going to somewhere there? You

feared your ass. No, just watch it. Just out of pure pleasure. I've watched it. I'm like, you know, I built up the housing market, and now it's collapsed. Oh, it's a little prostate push. No, but that fucks it up after that. After that day, I made good money that day, but after that, no one was coming out for lunches. All those, you know, a couple of those shops closed up. So people were just like, like money went down

as like a lunch closer closer and European started coming in and they don't tip and they just fucking. Not tip. They don't tip. They do not tip. And they might have gotten better. It's 2020, but in 2009, they sure as fuck didn't tip. And this table, it was like 415.

So I'm done. I'm almost done. Table of four Spaniards come in. Spaniards are the rudest, rich Spaniards are some of the rudest people I've ever met in my life. Like legitimately. You love me. They call you boy because I think that's how it translates. But they're like boy, boy, bring me more chips and I'm a psycho and most of the time I was hungover when I was at work. So I'm'm just like what the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you fucking talk to someone like that and I'd get mad and fired up so I take the table it's four spaniards. They all have shopping bags from sacks and from

Bloomingdale's and like you can't get to the table because there's so many shopping bags and you have to like place down the chips You have to like pour the water and shit. So I'm trying to do all that the woman orders a fruit Passion fruit margarita which comes on the rocks. I can tell you exactly how it's prepared I'm pretty sure Christine can tell you how it's garnished three blueberries on a toothpick and you bring a passion fruit margarita so I bring And with an orange an orange and three blueberries. So I bring it's on the rocks. It's 100% on the rocks. I know the menu. A passion fruit margarita is on the rocks. So I bring her a passion fruit margarita

and she goes, no, she just lifts it up and holds it out and she goes, no, I go, what's wrong? And she goes, this is not what I ordered. I go, yeah, you ordered a passion fruit margarita. And she goes, no. I want to frozen margarita. I go, okay, well, we can do like a regular frozen margarita with a passion fruit ad, but that's gonna cost more. And she goes, no. I want to want this one.

And she keeps pointing to me and I go, that's the one I brought you. That one, it says right here, it's on the rocks. And she's like, boy, you are wrong. This is, I wanted frozen margarita and I was like, all right, so I do a regular margarita with passion fruit ad, bring it out, drop it at the table and she goes, I get this second I turn to walk away.

She goes, what is this? I go, this, passion fruit margarita, frozen. That you ordered and she goes, no, it's the Ashford Margarita, the further that you ordered and she goes, no, he's not and her husband goes, bring her to the right drink. And I look at him like motherfucker, I'll kill you. I will legitimately kill you.

And their children both immaculately dressed. European children, this guy Adam pointed this out one time, when we were going through all that, he was like, what's up with rich Europeans? Their kids are dressed like, fuck it, successful CEOs. And you know the father and any of the boy children are also wearing like very,

like very briefie briefs underneath those clothes. Those little boys had banana hammocks on and they were under eight years old. But the woman, the woman's like, these you know what I ordered and then the guy's like, bring her what she ordered and woman's like, these you know what I ordered, and then the guy's like, bring her what she ordered, and I'm like, dude, I've talked to you guys twice about this is what we do,

and finally she goes, bring me what I ordered, and the manager comes over, and he's like, what's going on? I was like, she ordered a past fruit marker, and he's like, get her what she wants, because it was starting to fill up,

because it was turning four to five. So like, new waiters are coming in, it's kind of getting intense. He's like, just get her what she wants, and she goes, that's right. I forgot what you said. She said something fucked up. Like, bringing me that, bringing it faster to me boy.

And I was like, oh, oh, okay. And I went over and I fucking ordered it in. Did the passion fruit add? I fucking went into the hutch. This is after a hot fucking cafe day. I went in the hutch, put my hand out my pants, and with my fucking index, just got it in, hit the wall, pushed through, pulled it out,

like surgery hands, walked over to the bar. You would wrap up of the gross. Yeah, dude, grab the passion fruit margarita and swirled my finger in the fucking, in the margarita. You should have maybe also given it a nice rim ride if, if, in hindsight being 2020. Jay, I appreciate it. Short or salt. So I couldn't, I couldn't knock the salt off.

It was all salt. I was done fucking good for you and let that be a reminder to people that even though you're not supposed to fuck with their food, you can't. Oh, good night, all the power. I'm going to need to be respectful. This is one of the only, I worked at the restaurant for five years. This is one of only three instances that I've ever had that.

I've waited on some fucking monsters. And I did that, and I took it out to her, and I was getting put in the weeds. I was getting sat while all this is happening. And I remember I went to Hutch 2 outside on the cafe, and I turned around, and I enjoyed watching her drink it. Because she was like, she took this drunk, she was like, oh, I know, I was like, yeah, you fucking bitch.

I know my shit. I don't know, but she was looking up at you. And she was, I love a butthole in my magaritas. She was, you do not think I don't know what the inside of an American asshole tastes like? Part of her order is to complain so much to eventually someone puts their assos because, and I didn't even have to pay for it. You just mugger me, I promise you, they're going to do something to your food

because I'm counting on it. Ha, ha, boy. Boy. Jay, Dan, and guests, Jessica Kierstedt and Andy Fiori told some gut wrenching stories of times other comics eclipse their careers. If it makes them feel any better LeBron James graduated high school when I did and it seems our lives have taken drastically different turns. Didn't we all picture we'd be more successful by the ages we are? 36 I thought I was gonna be dead.

I tell you so funny I talk about this all the time and I preach it to younger comics and friends who are less years in than me, but it happened to me last night, dude. I heard about, you know, I was, hope I was supposed to showcase my special or my hour, I should say for. I'm talking about this in the episode about how you couldn't remember how any of the jokes go. No, no, no, nothing to do with that. But I mean, that's a big problem also, but like I was supposed to, I was supposed to showcase it for them like a month and a half ago or so. And obviously you didn't get a chance to do that.

And then also was the thing like, hey, can we just like get this thing on the books? I don't give a shit of it to year from now. Let's just get it on the books, you know? And it was like that's an impossibility. We can't do anything like that. And then found that last night that somebody did Get picked up for things and it's someone I liked you so it's like it's not a thing to shit on the person

But I did the thing last night. I had a good hour of the thing of just a you fucking shitting me man Like come on dude like what's it? You know, I had a totally why I told why them not me and it was just like and I Zillion reasons of why I'm angry of why them not me. And it was just like, oh, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I like basically the thing I was asking for I think I know is it one of our friends Not a close friend, but a friend for sure and and and a Person I really like like it's nothing. It's nothing about them It was the thing I was like so you fucking dick me around like there's no reason But I think there's I think that's like a part of not only this business

But life is like you're gonna get you're gonna get things all the time like dude, I'm not gonna lie when Pete Davidson got SNL over me in 2014. Horst, you talk, I was like, you pick the kid who doesn't do voices over, like what the fuck are you talking about? And then I, you know, honestly through therapy and then just through fucking living life, you're like, oh, I got to do the bonfire because I didn't get SNL. I got to do all this shit that's like so much better and more me and led me to like where I'm going to be. But Jay,

just that I said it comes back around. I got a text from Souljul. And he's like, he's like, hey, they're writing a article on Pete about like him starting off in comedy. I gave him, I gave the post year number because I know you knew Pete when he was like 15 and so I did this interview with this guy and the guy only knew me from billions and had no clue I was in comedy and was just asking these questions that I was like, oh man, you're really fucking testing me today where he was like, what was it like seeing Pete get SNL where you just like like so happy for him? And you're like, uh-huh. And I'm like, yeah. It's a favorite sketch. And I'm like, he's so many. I like his tattoos. Interesting enough, Pete and Chee were a turnaround thing for me.

And then I said the time that I really, at least until last night, I thought it was kind of gone in me when I got my comedy central hour. I was like, oh, like I think my days of like looking left and right and being like, why is this person getting this, why is this person getting this or over? Cause I, it's kind of like, that's the goal I had in mind when I started comedy only.

So anything beyond that in my mind is you might go, oh, I can still, maybe I could do another special. So like, it seems like it seems so like that was gone. But before that, one of the first things where I just rationalized in the moment and saved myself even a day of like jealousy and envy was a Che and peak is like when they got that I was like,

I mean, I was one of the judges for Chase audition at the comic strip. Yeah. Like what they were doing in a judging thing, like I was the person I was like, I was like, hey, I go three years in, you really got a good, I mean, I was very positive because he was good, you know, but like, I mean, he said he was three years in. I was like, oh, yeah, dude, you're going to be like, great, you'll be fine. And but it's like, you know, I remember doing that. I was like, you're going to be good, kiddo, and like, you know, Pete, Pete almost being with's like, you're gonna be good kiddo. And like, you know, Pete, Pete, almost being

with the first time he came on the podcast, I was like 17, like, should we not have a 17 year old on the show? Like, it's dirty. When they both got SNL, like, I had that immediate reaction. I'm like, are you fucking shitting me? Like, there's just gonna be far financially more successful than me, like, as kids and all that.

And I was like, you know what, dude? I don't do characters. I don't do, I'm do, I would never had aspirations of being on SNL. I'm just a fan of it. So why just be happy for me? Like it wasn't my path anyway. You know what I mean?

Like, the reason it was the first kind of time I had that like don't get mad because somebody got a thing and just be like bitter about it. You know, I used to have that with Kurt all the time back and forth. Well, I mean back to Cheyenne Pete, what you were talking about. I don't want to slip into the curtain. And I mean, back to Cheyenne Pete, what you were talking about.

I don't want to slip into the curtain because I want to say, like with Cheyenne Pete, it was, I didn't give, Pete was always like the little brother. Like you said, you're 17 years old. You're like, should this kid even be around us right now? Like you'd be at the comedy club

and you're like, what's this kid doing hanging out here? And the only reason that hurt me is because I was like, you know, I'm like in my hand, I'm like, all right, good audition for SNL. Here we go. And then he shows up and he's like, Hi, what's up, dude? And I'm like, what's, I'm like in my hand, I'm like, all right, good audition for SNL. Here we go. And then he shows up and he's like, hi, what's up, dude?

And I'm like, what's up, Pete? What are you doing? He's like, although I'm gonna come down here and do this. And he's like, oh, cool, man. Well, good luck, good luck, dude. He's like, and he's like, yeah, I don't know if it's gonna go well or whatever. And then I go and fucking bust my ass on like six impressions

and like write it, like run it by wolf. I ran it by Che. I like had these ideas. I was like, what am I going over this? And then just for him to be like, it really is, it's like, it's like his character on us and always like, I don't know. Okay. That sounds cool.

You know what I mean? And you're trying. So it didn't, it's not like I was in competition with him my whole career. And I was like, Oh, I got this. I like it was, it was almost it hurt more because you're like, Oh, he's not like I was in competition with him in my whole career and I was like, oh, I got this. I like, it was almost, it hurt more because you're like, oh, he's like my little brother. Like, that's my little guy for, you know,

and then like, okay, move your friend. You're like, yeah, the little guy, yeah, okay, sure, cool. Even Schumer had a little bit of a thing for me that I was like, you know, like, hey kid, when he comes too, two people at one point I was like, hey kiddo, sure, I'll answer your goofy questions. And then for you know, it'll be a sweet, put me on a TV show three time. She did. I told her, I coached her and I took her around with me. She used to open for what we once did

the funniest thing at Gov. And she came to open for no one knew who she was. And we were in a car and we were not stopped laughing. We pretended like she was deaf the whole night. So is she committed to it? I got to give it to her. She didn't fucking break once. Like in the in the in the green room, she was like, I'm like, do you want a coffee? And she's like, I'm like, that's a coffee.

Like I'm everyone thought she's. Yeah, that's fucking great. I'm like, can I tell you a joke? I'm like, I can't hear you. I was so, and it was for hours out to this day we laugh about it. Me and Kurt are like really close friends, but there's times where Kurt had things were in my heart. I hated it. I would actually talk to other friends, like being so upset with myself because I'm like, I am happy for them,

but I'm not happy for them. Cause it's the first thing I'm having is like, what the fuck man? Like I'm sitting here working on it's off too, you know what I mean? So like, you know, I was always supportive, that would never be outward, I would put that out there. But did you have anything like that with Amy? Did you get like, in that moment of just like,

I had a- Now Rachel and I, Rachel Feinstein and I are very close and we started together and we're similar and so, you know, we both do characters. So we always had this thing where we love each other to death, but it's like, uh, it's hard when you get something and I don't because it's, but we work through it, but it's a normal thing. Like if you don't have that, there's something wrong.

Right. It's completely normal. I always, I, Dan, you might know this story, I think, but Jessica, Andy, you guys would appreciate this. I'll make it as quick as possible. Years ago, I was doing a black comedy club in DC. Good for you. Teddy Keef.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Did you have any stories? The social media posts. We have not taken that away from you, Jay. One of them has done more. Yeah, be honest with you, this story is maybe on bad timing because this isn't a pleasant

story about what happened to me at this black club. Jay left the club screaming, I hope the cops kill all of you and someone has it on tape. Teddy Carpenter, who's a piece of shit. Teddy Carbanger was a piece of shit, fucking own the club. He didn't pay his rent. They locked the doors on him in the middle of the weekend, after the first night or something. And I knew that I was featuring that weekend.

And I knew there was going to be a problem with the money with my assumption, but what I went in the second night. They just sent me home They told me they were sending me home and they didn't even pay me for the show that I did fully It was a fucking nightmare. They go yeah go pack your stuff up and we'll take you to the train state It was it was insane while I was packing my bags to go back to the train station The TV was just on an MTV was on and it goes the TV was just so on and MTV was on and it goes everyone is Carson Daly and it's how long it was. It's Carson Daly and we're bringing the new Dave Matthews video premiere right now and

I look at the screen and it's whatever the song is with Judah going every day. Is that a Judah free? They're going hugging everybody. It made it made it made a it made a horrible day as horrific and memorable as possible in my mind. And why that is is because I'm broke. I'm doing clubs like this where I can get fucked over a bunch. That's like where I can get like work. You know, and I'm struggling. I think as a bell is a baby and

A few weeks earlier I get a call from Craig gas who goes, hey my girlfriend is Works at this casting agency and they're having a hard time casting this music video. They'd like you to come in and And take a look at they want to try some comedians. I go awesome So I go in and they have me do all these different hug things and we were I was making them laugh. It was the best audition still that I've ever gotten, even for things that I've gotten before. It's the best audition I've ever done. And I mean as far as like the feeling in the room like you were like, well I own these people. They're left. Yeah. As often. I got this. I'm telling you when they when they walked me down the hallway back to the lobby, the guy is arm around me.

And he was like wiping his eyes and he goes, oh man, he goes, oh he goes, that was fun. And that was funny. He goes, listen, I can't say anything officially, but it's like, I'd be expecting a call if I were you. So are. I was like, I was like, very cool. And as I walked out of the lobby, I went to the front door of the lobby and I looked over at the couch and I went, what's up, Judah?

It's my just walked out of the room. I was like, immediately after of the lobby and I looked over the couch and I went, what's up, Judah? It's my little boy in the room. I was like, he immediately after me, Judah went in there and dominated harder. With the next generation of the Bonfire family on the way, the crew had a heart to heart about the hopes and desires for their children, culminating with some words of wisdom from a father to his Bonfire producer son. Jacob, in the next two years you find yourself in a whirlwind romance where you have a child, great nuts are going to be that thing's favorite cereal, which is my God. That's almost as bad as that's almost as bad as abusing your child physically. Yeah. Oh, you're going to have a kid who likes homework.

I'm not going to be an old dad. You guys are depressing the shit out of me. Man, if I'm 45 and don't have a kid it's over Yeah, what you just said that Oh, yeah, that's what I said cuz you know of your past year rap. Yeah, so guess what take up hang up the balls you're done That was me are you going to your mom still give you a shake up? Are you gonna give me a grandchild of it? I'm very, I feel like I'm very young for my age. You are? I think it'd be a cool dad.

And I think it's getting to me really bad because I don't know what's happening every time like I'll cry watching the CW. Yeah. Anytime there's anything that has to do with how tough it is to be a teenage girl, I cry. Why? If there's like I cried for two hours straight watching Ladybird.

Why? Why? Are you identifying as a teenage girl? No. I think I was trying to psychoanalyze myself. I think it's like, I would have liked to have had a daughter. I'm living through the CW and through any movie that depicts two sisters to get along, I cry.

Jacob, you say see these relationships and they touch you on an emotional level because you feel like you should have been the father to multiple teen girls. At least one, but I always like I hate watching movies that have sisters who fuck you. What if your daughter becomes a slut for some reason? You can only do what you can do with. You do it. You give them a lot of love and and direction and hope that the outside world doesn't

make them want to the problem is the problem is Jacob you're gonna be in your late 50s and actually probably mid 60s when you have to worry about things like that if you had a kid right now and the thing is like in your mid 60s that that kid's gonna she's gonna become a whore because you can't stay on top of it. The pain melt? No, it's going on. All the pain meds around?

Are you kidding me? Yeah. She's gonna put a couple of extra sleeping pills in your Tuesday, in your Tuesday clip on your pill case, and then you're gonna go to sleep, and she's gonna go be a slut, dude, right in your own fucking right at your mom's house where you guys will be living. She pulls a six back out of the fridge, and her friend goes, what are you doing?

And she goes, I gave him an extra pill and put on the CW. Yeah. For a couple hours. He's a back girl marathon, even if he wakes up, he ain't moving. The green arrow season three marathon. We can party. Onto back season three. I said not moving. I promise you, I promise you I can go party. Onto back season three. I said not moving. I promise you. I promise you I can go party. Go tell them that. Yeah. Yeah.

That's how I tell TIE TAD and Leon to come over here and fucking break our backs out while he sleeps in the other room. Let's get the air out. You talk about my daughter like that. I'm sorry, Jacob. That was highly disrespectful. I'm. She's an angel from H.

She's a wonderful girl turning into a wonderful woman. Many people that depicts a teenage girl finding her inner strengths, it makes me cry. That's why the new CW show is Star Girl. I love it. Jacob, what's bizarre about you is you think you, is you think you're gonna be able to relate better and raise with, with better advice

and ways to go a teenage girl. Don't you want to pass on your dude shit to a son? No, I feel like I was never like, I don't know what to tell a boy because I got picked on and I'm afraid like I wouldn't know the right advice to give him. That's why I feel like a girl I would do a better job with. Jacob, do you feel like what if you had a son that was extremely alpha and he bullied you? Like if you saw the turn happen, like when he's like 13, you're like, God, he's around. And he's like, fuck you. I just like Jacob, the idea of like, he doesn't have to handle a boy comes home and he goes,

dad, he goes, some kids in school are bullying me. He goes, run, switch schools immediately. Did you have like he doesn't have a handle of a boy comes home because dad goes some kids in school or bully me goes run Switch schools immediately This is counter by blanket. It's the only soul. It's like an offer you know thinking help help her you home is base Yeah, I mean, I would tell him like you got to defend yourself and you know avoid fighting as much as you can But you know Jacob I know what to do now I think you I think you I think you'd be a wonderful father to a guy or a girl. I think you're, I think you're a good guy. I think you would, I think you would pass down like good things.

I think you're right to be nervous about that, to be nervous about if your son gets picked on, but I think any parent's going to be nervous. If your kids are great, a dork and you send them out in the world, you know, you fucking know if you're a kid. If you're a kid, I'm still, here's a thing though, you could have, you could be super proud of a fucking real nerd of a son. You could be super proud of a real nerd of a girl,

but the thing is like Jacob, like you're more like, I'm not a nerd. I'm weird. I just wasn't, I only, I only, I only, I get. I work on the bond floor. I got a good sense of humor. Yeah, for sure.

I only have a daughter. And I'm telling you, like, if she was a boy, the things it would have, uh, it takes out. That's what I'm saying. I'm surprised you don't have any of those. Like, as soon as you're here, you're having a daughter. I think, uh, with that, no exception, every guy across the board just has that thing right away like Oh man, like God, I hope she doesn't become like, you know, the hack things like a short spot. Obviously, whatever you find out you find out you're playing a lifetime of defense. It's like a coin to

Madden and you're like, I didn't win the toss. They're gonna fucking goddamn it. They're gonna receive even Armored truck. You even are Isabella, it doesn't date or anything much, but it's like, so like, but there's still the arbitrary thing, you know what I mean? Like, at a graduation, you know, they were saying the names and whatever answer was like, do you like any of these boys?

And I'm like, do you look? And it's like, I'm not even mad at if she tell you. You know what I'm saying? But like, you just like, that's the supposed to answer of the thing, you know what I mean? Well, I think, because you're not going out with any of these boys. I hope you know that. I hope they're not going to come here and see me cleaning my shotgun.

Or I'm saying, that's the opposite. But if your son was like, I like that girl. You're almost like, fucking fuck her, dude. You got any pictures in your phone over. Don't tell your mom. Yeah, dude. It's a fist bump. I have those worries that do have this.

Let me look through your phone. That, dude, it's a fist bump. I have those worries that I do have. This is let me look through your phone. That's the, I have all those worries. Like a little how old is, how old are you gonna be when your kids 18? 53 years old. It's not bad. It's not bad.

That's not bad at all. 12 years younger than boss. I can't gauge it all by boss. Boss, it's the boss, it's the boss technique. Do you know, have you guys found out if you guys are having a boy or a girl? Is that it? Is there a lot of anticipation? Yeah, there's a lot, but I mean,

she even extra, does she have an extra little lump on her belly? That's the dick. You know, it's a boy. Look at, like a cartoon head bump. Yeah, looking up, look a little boner rays. I'd be fucking hilarious. That her skin just like belly and then like the outline of a mushroom cap. He's already circumcised.

Did they do that in the womb? It was half. Who's gonna go to have sex with his wife one day and he's gonna see a black dick hanging out of her pussy? He's coming out there. The other direction was, what the fuck? Hold on. That's how I thought I made it that before. That's how I thought when I was

a little kid that babies were like you just looking there be like a foot hanging out of a pussy. Like you know when you hang your leg over the side of the bed when you're hot. Like I thought that's what I'm like. Dude, three inches of black dick hanging out of a chick's pussy

because she's pregnant with a black boy. It's one of the funniest fucking things I've ever pictured in my head. What the fuck are you? Holy shit, no way. And you got to be proud of her. All right, son. Come on out. All right, junior. We're name this one, junior. Let's go to what Jacob said before about advice from your dad.

I will say the one thing of advice my dad told me, which was actually pretty decent. He said, son, if you're ever going to go to fight someone, you know, we're short guys. We're short. So this is what I want you to do. He said, I want you to take all your power that you have in your body and put it into your swing. And if you hit him and he stands there and looks at you run for your fucking life.

If he grabs it a ground, you're the king. Yeah, if he just eats it, if he just chews it, he's like, oh, if you eat, you fuck it. That's a great advice. That's a great thing to teach your son. It's also this serious thought to put in your fucking boy's mind. Well, the thought of him just decking someone is someone being like, dude, when you're high, it's a whole other level of dealing with, you know, bullies. Yeah. You know, if you're, if you're, if you're

six, three in high school, not as many people are going to want to take a chance. Dude, that will, that's also the thought of if someone comes after me or Jay on the street, want to take a chance. be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire at SXM. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.