The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - The Flanker and The Spotter

Episode Date: August 7, 2024

The Loserville concert is tomorrow, so the whole crew tries to play electric guitar as good as Corey Feldman. Jay discovers musical gold in the name of Donny Benet. After discussing a zipper-suit, both Bob and Jay have Shark Tank ideas. Jay calls his "The Spotter." It helps keep you alive during autoerotic asphyxiation. Bobby's "Flanker" works as personal anchor for water play. *To hear the full show and subscribe to SXM go to www.siriusxm.com/bonfire FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly It's actually gonna be a great show What it's gonna be a phenomenal show I've been listening to fell dog songs I'm kind of getting into it. Yeah, you can't I'm not I'm not not in you know, I mean, I mean, it's weird You're like, what do I know the lyrics to this? Some of the songs. Um, you know, Ascension Millennium is a great song.

The lyrics are even good. I'll say it. Go for it. Go for it. And he chose and live him rocking it out as opposed to TV or morning TV, him rocking in front of a crowd is going to be kind of epic. Well, see crowd quotes. Crowd Ed? It's going to be in front of a crowd.

I don't know, I'm kind of, I can't wait to hear it live. Just when he comes out. He can't sing. Nobody in the bank can sing. The anticipation of the beginning. Here he come, the comeback king. I can't wait to see him. Here he come, the beginning. Here we come to come back in. Here we come to come back in. We have to make that the best chant.

You know what the other best show happening soon is? It's happening in co-host New York. It's Robert Kelly at the co-host music hall October 5th and Mike Drop Comedy club in San Diego October 10th and 11th after that Minneapolis point Pleasant, New Jersey Dunelan, New Jersey the Jersey tour The Jersey Bobby's Jersey tomato tour You can catch Bobby every to every one of these gigs I feel like is always close to a pizza place Bobby wants to try you can see Bobby every day

Why you look you do the gig? It's in Dunelan, but you know they have the best pastrami sandwich in the East Coast. Dude, I did one gig for pizza, and I'll tell you what, worth it. No stage, 50 people, worth every second of it. Love it. You can catch Bobby every Tuesday night at 7 p.m. with the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge, the comedy seller for tickets and all tour dates.

Visit PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly. You could also get a bunch of his content including his new special kill box. Big Jay is going to be in Helium in Portland, Oregon August 1st through the 3rd. After that he's going to be in Albany, Portland, Maine, Dallas, Omaha. For tickets and all of the tour dates visit BigJayComedy.com and don't forget to like all the stuff on social media and go to our YouTube page and check out the podcast It's a mean spirited show Yeah, listen to our podcasts every Tuesday through Friday releasing on all major platforms download rate reviews subscribe

Please smash obliterate gang fuck that subscribe button Follow at the bonfire scom and all social media platforms. TikTok and Twitch also there. And Skankfest Ticket Single Day is still available. For Sunday and Friday. Can you roll back up, Christina? There was something else there I wanted to say. I'm going to give you, you're running Jacob down a little bit,

I'm going to give you a little shit here on things. You either got to choose to do city-state or just cities. Well, I had it, it was a little confusing because you're in Portland, Oregon and then Portland, Maine. Right. So it reads weird. So I'm like, I should put a dash there. No, here's what you do.

No Portland, Maine. Just Maine. Yeah. You get what I'm saying? Um. Uh. But then these are like two different towns in New Jersey. What?

No, for Bobby's, yes, you had to do it like that. You're absolutely right. Point Pleasant and Dunelan. Bobby's Beef Steak Tomato Tour of New Jersey. I do want to be clear, you are in Portland, Oregon and Portland, Maine. Jay's Queers and Lobster Tour. Queers and Lobster Tour. Yep. Albany, Portland, Maine and Omaha. I'm definitely gonna get butt fucked and try meth. I think Portland, I think she's right though.

I think we know Portland, Oregon and then we know Portland, Maine, because Maine has got a bunch of clubs and Maine is a huge state. I'm just saying she threw you for sure as a person reading it. I know I'm going to Portland, Maine. I think I should do this. You went, Big Jay's going to be a helium in Portland, Oregon.

This is not your fault at all, Bobby. August 1st through the 3rd. After that, he's going to be in Albany, Portland, Maine. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so it sounds like you're saying Portland again. Can I just say something? She's setting you up to look like a fool. And I don't like it.

Thank you, Jay. You know what? Fuck you, Christine. I appreciate you. I'm sorry for sticking up for but it is I am pretty I Thought I did I read it Portland and me did I read it like that you put it? No, because there's a comma like it was really places you really goes Portland Maine. I didn't go Portland, Maine I went Portland, Maine. Yeah. Well, sometimes I forget to breathe in between words, too. You're taking blame. This is not your fault. I have a deviated septum from getting my nose broken. So sometimes I go Portland, Maine.

Did you call Christine that on her birthday week? You'll defend her no matter what, because you're taking blame for something. You know what? It's a complete Christine fault. You know what? Her birthday's over. Your birthday's over, bitch.

Hey, Melissa. How old are you? 39. Okay. You alright, Jay? Did you throw up in your mouth? Do you need water? No, it's not that. It's something else. What's wrong? You okay?

39 doesn't bother me. In a year, she's going to be 40. Yuck. My eggs are almost gone, guys. Your eggs are, I thought you said, I thought she said her eczema. I was like, you have eczema? I've got like one Down syndrome baby floating around in there.

Her eggs have eczema. Her egg is hanging on by his teeth. Hey. She's like, it's already cracked, there's tape on it. Yeah. Her. It's like a Faberge egg you try to put back together. You should just in there and just see what comes out. You'll know

I think it'll come right back out like it like her body will reject it You'll hear it. Yeah, yeah Wolverine rejects bullets. I like they just go in the bullet just dings on the floor comes back It'll come out her stomach. Yeah, I just gonna see like a wall of like flesh come out Just push my jizz out from behind. She'll actually come out of her stomach. Yeah, you're just gonna see like a wall of like flesh come out and just push my jizz out from behind. She'll actually come out of her mouth. She'll go, little baby egg will come out. Well, I'll tell you what, I hope you brought a change of panties, Christine,

because you're about to see these four boys shred. It's almost shred o'clock. And Christine, you have to try also. Who do we get to go first here? We got a sick ass. Sick ass guitar. I think we get to go first here? We got a sick ass, sick ass guitar. I think Black Lou should go first. Did you say Christine Black Lou? Because she's not going to do the,

she barely does any of the stunts, let alone going to be first to go. There's no way. I did the shuffle dance. Not first, you didn't. I remember everything. Important, that puts you in a bad light. You remember everything except the conversation you're in.

I remember everything? Correct. You remember everything, but what was it going with that thought? I was saying something. I looked at a light for a second and then I lost track. What was I saying? You just completely change the subject mid-sentence. If I do, I lose everything.

Is that thing tuned right? Because I don't know if it's tuned right. Yeah, it's tuned to a D. Oh, it's dropped D? Yeah, drop, I to a D. Oh, it's dropped a yeah drop I guess okay good good drop D. So I can play some corn some corn. I gotta film Lou Yeah, Christine go there Alright egg Don't forget to put on headphones Lou

Oh wait, you don't need it because you can hear it in the room. Okay, we're gonna get feedback. Let's see how we hear Give us a good strum. Give us one good big strum. Whoa. Other way. I feel like every string's the same note. Did you make them all Ds? I did.

I don't have a tuner. They give it to me that way. OK. Then it's fine then. We don't have a wah-wah pedal either. It's alright. Oh, is there a whammy bar though? No.

Oh, is there a button to go wham-wham-wham? No. There's no whammy bar? How are we supposed to do this, either? Be creative. Are you supposed to be better than Felddorf at guitar? I don't know. Are you ready?

I'm ready. Let's go. One, two. Is Steve filming? No, he has it set up. Oh. Three, two. Is he filming? No, he has it set up. Three, go. ["The Black Loose Never Played the Guitar"] I will say, you can tell that Black Loose never played the guitar before

because he's strumming the strings and he's touching the ones that he's not strumming. He's the left hand is working the bottom three, and the top hand is only strumming the top two He just got a great face for sure he's gonna always looking at the camera he knows what to do Do you look like wind from earth wind and fire? Shred a clock dude One more time what gave you the thank you. Oh, he gave it and here it goes.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I'm feeling the itch. I'm feeling the itch. I want to get on. You want to do it? I'm getting the sticks. I do.

Get on it, Jay. Because Lou is going to be the best. I am not. I can play every rose. Nobody wants to hear every rose. I know. So then I've got no more tricks. Dude, you are made to look at him.

Look at him. He looks great. He looks great. He looks great. I can play every rose. Nobody wants to hear every rose. I know, so I've got no more tricks. Dude, you are made to... Look at him, look at him. He looks great with the guitar. He does. You are made to be a rock star, dude. Look at that. He's doing his... I'm trying to get laid at a party fucking tune.

This is the Cory Feldman. I play one string. He plays one string, that's what I get laid at a party fucking tune. This is the Cory Feldman, I play one string. He plays one string, that's what I can do. I do that song on one string. Do you guys want to hear the beginning of Hotel California? Sure. Yes.

Whoa. I think it's tuned right for him. You know, fuck this dude, I'm going to Corey shred out. Do we get any reverb on this thing or what's up? Oh, look at your fingernails. Works. There you go. Maybe press it up against the amp and get feedback that way. Like a real man.

Check my tabs here. Look at Jay's little ass. With his little tush. Yeah, I see your little cock sticking out with your little rock and roll felt. No, you're gay. Get away from me. But his little tush. Yeah, I see a little cuck sticking out with your little rock and roll belt. No, you're gay. Get away from me. You got some verb on it?

This is what he did. Thank you Your fingernail polish works so well with this bit There you go, how'd you do that? That's good. Okay. That's the whammy bar, that button you're doing. Oh, he's making love. Thank you. Woo! That was great.

Christine, you're up. Maybe we should make Christine go last. She's going to make it so we go... I need a front-end. I need a front-end. That was great. Christine, you're up. Maybe we should make Christine go last. She's going to make it so we go. I need a Franco song or something. I'm not sure. Bitch, don't be. Oh, my God.

What if Christine? What if Christine was a savant? She just started jamming. She could play. More than I can. Do you need a hire? I'm a stage actress. I can do Neil Simon if you guys want to see a monologue. Remember, she never did that either. No Remember said you guys ever want to see a monologue? I'll do as Neil Simon a log and then we said do it and she said no

Then we needed to act for last year and she couldn't even say that one line. I do I do remember that Mm-hmm. Take the back of the Pittsburgh guitar. Look, as soon as she gets power, she starts treating Jay like a bitch. Did you see that? Yeah, dude, no one sees the horrible person. I'm just saying. I mean, Christine, she,

the terrible person. He has to keep me in line. Takes all my money and lives a wonderful life and treats me like shit. Here we go, you ready? Born ready. Sing whole. I mean how do you not get the bit? I thought I did it. What is that? I was trying to noodle you not get the bit? I thought I did it What is that I was trying to noodle that was see what this is G was this doing

Okay The fuck does this do anything What the fuck you doing Bobby? Is it me. Well can't be Jacob Oh now that come on dude, Bobby you play in a cool wedding band that's backwards Hats backwards? Ohhhh OHHHH Whoa! I didn't know it was Shredda Clock. So far Bobby, best pretender. Feel it, make the feel it face. This is the first note from should be on my lawn. Oh, oh, oh, he's going high. Oh dogs are barking.

Don't hurt him Bobby. Oh It hurts him it's so high Thank you Wow So far Bobby gets my vote. But we forgot. We still have one more person to get involved. Lou. Lou. Lou. Lou. Lou. Lou. Lou. Lou.

Do you know Lou is third cousins with Pete Townsend? Bobby's emotional face once. I mean I was emotional watching Bobby. Bobby?, yeah, but Bobby just shredded What's up, buddy, oh yeah, all right easy easy Actually was he don't we don't lose wife she's white dude DJ loose I don't know you just called lose wife, but she's white

Did you play so hard that your balls went away Is your wiener in your balls I've had that issue Loop it his leg up and everything Where oh where can my baby be Oh, looping his leg up and everything. Where oh where can my baby be? We all fell in love with the button. Thank you. Wow. I don't know. Thank you. Wow. I don't know. That was really good.

I gotta say, I think Bobby, Bobby's the rock star of the show. I think what Lou did was amazing. I thought that was great. That was actually note for note the beginning of Better Man by Pearl Jam. I don't know what I did because I was somewhere else. No, you went to a place. I don't know what happened. My hands shake too much. I'll tell you exactly what happened. You went to a place dude I went with Cory goes you found the place and that's what's important. I went to Cory land Well Jacob until you come back in studio Bobby's the rocker of the show

We're only allowed to have one rocker on the show It was me for all these years and then Bobby just took title of rocker of the show Rocked so hard yeah I know yeah that was so have your Johnny Depp pose on with the strap strap on the guitar on my phone you know one of my favorite pictures of you Jay I just sent it to the group no I look right with a guitar but you look awesome but I have no talent whatsoever. I'm playing the guitar or ability in any way All right, you know, we're gonna take another break and we'll be right back everybody. We're hanging out. I mean Our person is at a concert, but our essence is here. It's the bonfire here. It's the bonfire. Damn, Donnie Bennett. Benet.

Benet? I'm gonna go with Benet. Sean Benet Ramsey. Hi Sean Benet. Welcome to my YouTube page. Enjoy. Yeah. Search around. Explore. Lick, suck, fuck. Le piano. Oh, he plays suck, fuck. Lick piano.

Oh, he plays every instrument too. Of course he does. I knew this guy was going to be a quadruple threat. If you do ba-do ba-do, do-do-do-do, why don't you go where fashion fits? Puttin' on the ritz. Just up like a million dollar dooper. He's on bass. Trying hard to look.

Drums. He's letting you know that he does it all. He plays drums not very good. Look at his face though, he's so pleased with himself. He's having a good time. He's getting that high hat up. Listen. Let me pause it for a second, Christine, please. Can you get rid of that thing on the bottom of the screen?

I'll tell you what I wish I can get rid of. Herpes? In some way, herpes, but I'm not a scientist. Um, no, I wish I can get rid of the thing that keep... There's not a chance if I was promoting something, putting it out myself for sure. And I know there's only so much you can do, but you would not get the shot of my pants bunched up

and crinkled up by the belly button with the buttons all done weird and all those lines in the shirt. I mean, it would, and Donnie Benaj is like, didn't matter, it's not what it's about, dude, it's about the art. I think Europeans, Australians, people outside of this country don't care about the tuck. They don't care about the tuck?

The tuck. They'll wear a small, the fattest guy wears the smallest bathing suit still? Because that's probably the fattest, like in Australia that's fat, right? Oh, I get what you're saying, yeah. Our fat is fatter. So this guy's like, yeah, he tucks in,

he's like, I fluctuate 10, 15 pounds up and down. Yeah, that's me. That's as fat as I am right now, and I feel good. But you're not gonna tuck. I would never tuck. You're talking about dress, suit. I made a decision three years ago, no tie, no tuck. I'm out. Ever.

No, I'm out. No tie, no tuck. Blazer over and open. No tie, no tuck. Blazer, t-shirt, or open button down shirt with t-shirt. I'll never tie and tuck again unless, I will do a kooky tie with a no tuck, I'll never tie and tuck again, unless, I will do a kooky tie with no tuck, but the tuck is gone on.

Kooky tie no tuck, Bobby, is a crazy look. Kooky tie no tuck. What are you dressing like someone's imaginary friend? Well, the last kooky tie, I did a bow tie with the peacock feather. Oh, that's just a joke. Made of peacock feathers. So it was a kooky, kooky, so it was like, hey, nice tie.

But it was a circus theme wedding. So that was my kookiness. But a tie untucked shirt is not a good look at all. A tie untucked. You look like a party clown. Now, tie untucked, so I just do no tie, no tuck. No tie, no tuck works. No tie, no tuck works.

Now here's what I'd like to get to. No tie, no tuck, shirt open, shirt underneath, like maybe tank top or something underneath, and open button down shirt with the blazer over it. Yeah, but the tank top, they haven't made a tank top that doesn't suck to your stomach. I need, you know what I mean? So the tank top sucks to your gut.

Tank top's peaking. Shirts, the button-down shirt's not completely open. So it's buttoned in the front? It's buttoned in the front, but you're gonna see about three inches of tank top maybe. Right, but yeah. Okay, I would, I'd be all right with that. And then a series of necklaces.

I thought you'd do that the other night and you were like, it's not my style. What? Unbutton your buttons a little bit. And then a series of necklaces. What? Because the tank top didn't come up high enough and the shirt was also not a good... Another thing I started getting into, if you're gonna wear a collared shirt, dude, the collar's gotta button down. The collar's gotta button down.

I don't like the collar being like, it makes everything look weird and fat when it stretches out. You want the collar sticking up straight. I want the collar tight. Right? I like a nice tight collar. Yeah, tight collar. Yeah, I don't mind it flapping out.

I like a sports coat, nice. It could flap if it's gonna be over the blazer. Yeah. Well, my dream is a suitsy. Where you just one piece. One piece, it looks like you're wearing a suitsy. We're just one piece. One piece. It looks like you're wearing a suit, but you're in sweat pant material. It's a weird dream to have.

It's very achievable, one. And two, I'd recommend never doing it. Why? Oh man. Dude, we're at- Me and Christine never do get married. You have to promise to come in a suitsy. 100% I'll come in a suitsy.

Exclusively. Dude, to jump into a- I'm gonna make you be my best man and you have to stand up there in a suitsy. A hundred percent I'll come in a suitsy. Exclusively. Dude, to jump into a- I'm gonna make you be my best man and you have to stand there in a suitsy. Everybody goes, why is the back of his tuxedo have a zipper to go straight down the back? They won't even know. Suitsy.

They won't know. They'll know. They will not know. It's the ugliest thing in the world and they'll know. It's not. Even the best picture. You know, McDonald's makes their fuckin' burgers look gourmet in pictures.

The ad and website for suitsy doesn't even make it look like it's good, it looks like shitty pajamas as a joke. It does not, it looks like a suit, look at it. It's right there. The Suitsy is the way. You're saying it's right there, like technology's right there? Look at that, that looks like a suit, dude.

You're never gonna know. You tell me that's not, that guy doesn't look like he's in a suit dude it's weird it's not weird it looks like a suit Jay it's a suit you're not supposed to wear that look I mean buddy it's amazing and it's it's comfortable material look on YouTube better review Christine I need a Suitsy review so no one's gonna say this is good. Actually, how about just go to Suitsy, look at their reviews in general.

And then make a new button down shirts where it's a zipper. It's not a button. Because I don't like buttons. Because you know why buttons suck for guys like us? Usually at some point, the two buttons are tight at some point, and then when you sit down and move wrong, it opens up.

I gotcha. And you can see through the shirt. But again, taking ways out that I understand, I don't like facade looks. I have to live my whole life with facade. Do you know what I mean? What's not really there? Baggy clothes to hide a fat body or whatever.

So anything I can do not facade. I'm happy It's like feeling like if you were I've never purchased I've never purchased like the button extender or anything. I'd rather buy an entire new wardrobe You never use I'd rather I'd rather hunt for discount clothing that fits Me before I wore a thing that makes my and everyone like no one knows with nice pants And I'm like yeah, they don't fit and I have a fucking button extender I like like God forbid and I don't care who I'm talking to guys girls old young in my mind There's some element that goes what if we fuck and then you see what a fat shit

I am that I have to zipper up my dress shirts. I mean when you're naked. She's not gonna see that I'm gonna zipper up my dress shirts. You mean when you're naked, she's not gonna see that? It's true. Bobby, these are all, these are these. When you take it all off, she's not gonna see what you've been hiding? It's the reason I said guys, girls. It's all in my head.

These aren't realistic things. I'm saying in my head, it's the reason someone goes like, why does Soder feel so comfortable like ripping ass in front of chicks so much? And guys like that. There's a lot of guys like that just like fart in front of chicks so much. And guys like that. There's a lot of guys like that, just like fart in front of chicks. Yeah.

Their mind's not there, or their mind's not attached to like, well if I fart in front of this girl, it doesn't mean she thinks I'm like ugly and like a piece of garbage, or they just don't give a shit. Right. I said I wouldn't,

I said this before on the show, I wouldn't fart in front of Dawn, because even though it's not a thing, I want Dawn somewhere to not think that I'm a gross, I want her to think I'm attractive in some way. Not, do you get what I'm saying? It's like obviously me and Dawn, there's nothing that's gonna ever happen.

I'm just, you never know. You never know. You never know. But I'm still listening, who could be? Trying to get you guys up to tiny house, see what's what. What do I have, what do I have, a Matt Crystal ball? Am I able to see the future here? Trying to get that trailer, that.

But do you get what I'm saying? When I meet anyone significant other, there's nothing in me that's like, I'm gonna sleep with them. I just don't want them to think that I'm like, so when they leave, even they go to him, it's like, I'd rather them say nothing than go like, oh yeah, guys gotta wear,

because that's what I would do. That's what it is also, it's knowing yourself. I would leave and I go, you see that fat motherfucker with his zipper button down shirt? That's what it is. Yes. It's you. Yes. Yeah, because you, if you saw me with a zipper shirt,

when I left you'd be like, he had a fucking zipper shirt. A fucking guy's zippered his shirt. Is that okay? Yeah, it's like when I thought Justin was playing with a dead bird. I like fucking like made a big thing to everybody except Justin. I told everybody about it.

But if I showed up in a Suzy, you would never know. Well, now every time I see you in a suit, I'm going to start checking for zippers. I'm going to try to pull. Hey, Bobby, why don't you untuck that shirt, bud? And you're going to go, what? I'm going to go, the shirt, you said you don't tuck things in. Why don't you untuck the shirt?

I want to wear this one tucked in. Do you? Or does it just zipper up from your ankles? It's all connected. Did you find it in a review on YouTube? Did Suzy go under? How did don't fucking play? I'm telling you I can find the original I hope Gucci goes under if that happens How's that not going? I hope it does. How dare you? I don't care if both those things happen Suzy did not go under today. I think I think so, because I can't find, I can find the original article from eight years ago.

Oh, oh Lord. Oh God, oh I should have struck while the iron was hot. There's no website on Amazon, if you Google suitsy it goes to something else. That's great, it's done. Bobby, you make the next suitsy. Entrepreneur time, buddy, this is where we step up. Yeah, but I can't because I gotta do my flanker first.

What? My flanker, I'm making my idea that I wanna bring on Charg Tech, I wanna. What? The flanker. What's a flanker Bobby? Well if you would take a second to think about it. Have you ever been in the ocean?

Yes. Have you ever been in a pool? Yes. Have you ever been on the ocean? Yes. Have you ever been in a pool? Yes. Have you ever been on a float? Yes, and have you ever wished that you stayed in one place instead of floating around the whole thing? It's kind of the thing of the float well to float around not if you had an anchor with your float hence The flanker. I'm sure you want to put this on the air the flat. Oh, yeah The flanker.

Are you sure you want us to put this on the air? The flan... Oh, yeah. That's right. Shit. Somebody's gonna take your idea, Bobby. Shut up. Stop saying it. Stop doing your witchcraft on people's brains. The anchor for your foot? What's it gonna do in the ocean? It's gonna keep you in your...

You're gonna have to carry an anchor to the ocean with your rest? No, you're not gonna... You don't... It's not a... It's a flanker. Honey, can you grab the kids and all the food and everything else because I have to carry the anchor. It's not an anchor. You don't know the details of how it works. Don't tell me.

I won't. It's Shark Tank, although I've completely given away. One day we're gonna see a celebrity in doors who goes, hey, I'll say it. I like jerking off and choking myself. And I can say that now because I'll never die thanks to Jay's brand new Chirk Choke Assistant. I call it the spotter.

It's always there looking over you. And if you don't acknowledge it, every 30 seconds it releases you, causing blood flow to get back to the head. There'll be a little model of like blood flow going back to the head. And a be a little model of like blood flow going back to the head. And a person waking up from Wacking Off. And then to all like kind of crude drawings.

And- Is it drawings or is that animation? No, it's like the drawings. But you know they draw it with like early art school drawings where it's like the head's just like an oval. They almost have like dolls. You should have Jacob actually perform it live. Jacob, you'll be my guy who comes out and performs it live.

And I'll be like, everybody, Jacob from the Shark Tank. And then they'll be like guy who comes out and performs a lot and I'll be like everybody Jacob From the shark tank and I'll be and then they'll be like clapping like should we know what that is? Like do we know that is not I'll go Jake. Yeah, there you go guys Jacob from shark that that's right Alex Rodriguez That is Jacob from from the bonfire and satellite serious XM 103 and they're gonna go. Oh Do you guys know I don't know I don't know if that is either and then Jacob you go there and you go and like you'll pull out like we'll have you do we'll make it obvious it's television so we'll pull

like a suction cup dildo that looks like a cock not your actual cock yeah and you could like pull that like a while and then go and then let yourself pass out, go unconscious with the fake cock in hand and then in a few seconds from that happening you'll be released and everybody will see and it'll be like that that tense shark tank music we're like dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner and then i'll slap you on the cheeks and you'll go, what's up, I got, and everyone goes, oh, see, he lived, everybody. He would have been dead there if he was just hanging from something by a doorknob. Now, when you look at the,

when you have to look over every couple minutes or every 30 seconds, you have to look over at something so it knows that you're awake, right? No, I think it's something on the machine that you tap. Do you know what I mean? Like you have to just touch it. So I would, so- If you pass out-

Can I add a little something? And you come off of it, something's gonna release you. What if you made like a little mannequin face, like a woman. Okay. And you have to, every 30 seconds, look over to her face into her eyes It recognizes you almost like an iPhone thing where it's like still around

Look over too many forms of technology involved in that. I feel like okay now you're across a room It's got to have like facial recognition. What if it has your iPhone? What if it has an app so you've got to have the app up people are gonna want to do this in their app They're gonna feel like it's too traceable stuff for an apps in the phone. You want to keep this as analog as possible Oh, and then what's gonna happen? I'm gonna open the collaboration. I I'm just saying this what if there's a mat? Okay, and you have to sit on it fully and it knows how much weight that is So it knows Jacob is 110 pounds.

So when he sits on it fully, it says, oh, this man weighs 110 pounds. He weighs the, of a small woman. And then when you get up, you kind of start jerking, and if it gets to your full weight, it releases. It knows that you're on it. No, it's always gonna be, the dangle, I believe, is part of the, probably the whole excitement

of the thing is that you're gonna kinda like, could be going, I have to assume, right? I've never done choking with fucking ever. Me neither, I tried it once and I got angry. I yelled, I was like, stop fucking hurting me. I've never really gotten to choke fucking much. But like, we're choke jerking for that fact.

But I would like to, you know, I should have relished in the moment when I saw Soundgarden live. I didn't know we were gonna lose him to choke jerks. So I'm trying to fix a problem. I see a problem in the world. This is how Jay Okerson works. You guys may not know this about me,

but I see a problem in the world and I fix it. Now it's gotta be something simple, it's like a touch thing that you acknowledge. But if you pass out, you're not going to be able to do that. No, no, no, correct. Right. When you don't do it. Okay.

The thing's always ready to release in 30 seconds. It's always going to release. When you get like a certain point, you touch a thing. I'm just trying to add some type of humanity to it. So if you added some type of... Maybe it's a hand. No, but if you're going to can do that just fuck a fuck doll You don't want humanity these people are trying to jerk off alone

It's a very alone situation choke jerking it appears, so that's why everyone's dying What if you added like music to it like this type of music? That's good right from Chris Cornell himself Or I said or you can just I'll do a service where we have people come over like anonymous people who sign NDAs that will stare at you and make sure you don't die while you choke jerk. A real jerk mate. Just you'll be in the other room. Jerk mate. A jerk mate. Is that name-taking? Jerk mate. Copyright, jerk mate. Copyright that. Flanker. Copyright that. Flanker. Copyright it. Flanker, the gigantic anchor that you bring

with anything you do in the ocean. It's not, it's very simple. Bobby, your fucking giant fucking float anchor just busted a hole through my above ground pool. It's actually a bag with a float and a rope with a finger ring. A what, what was I saying? A bag.

I got that, the bag I heard. With the float. All those things made sense to me. And with a rope. What's a fingering? A fingering. A ring that goes on your finger that attaches to the rope. A finger ring. Ring. Finger ring.

Yeah. Finger ring. Right. Rope, fingering, bag, float. Yeah. And then you blow up the float Attach the finger ring to your finger with the rope. Okay, the other end goes to the bag that you fill up with sand Just somewhere yeah, and you won't float very far away. No, you won't float at all

But why it's an It's a flanker. What do you not want to float for in a pool? Well, because you want to stay in that area of the pool. If you're away on vacation and you're in the pool, all of a sudden you're in the middle of a family or whatever. You want to kind of be in your area. Oh, you're bringing this to a public pool? You can do it in your pool too. This is crazy what you're saying now. You could be... And a bunch of sandbags at the bottom of the beach for a bunch of people In floaties for the pool use something different. What do you use the pool rocks? No, he hasn't thought about that yeah, why is rocks a better idea for the house well for a pool. It's a little better Bobby how about just something that hooks on to like pool sides now. Why do you have to have the extra? I feel like you're adding a big giant ship anchor or a bag of sand to situations

that might require simply a strap and some kind of connection. It's more for lake ocean use, you know what I mean, than a pool, but. I like the idea that the ocean is a place where you can have a lot of different things. I mean, I think that's a great idea. I think that's a great idea.

I think that's a great idea. I think that's a great idea. I think that's a great idea. I think that's a great idea. I think that's a great idea. I think that's a great idea. I think that's a great idea. I think that's a great idea. that might require simply a strap and some kind of connection. It's more for lake ocean use, you know what I mean, than a pool, but. I like the idea that there, maybe it's a system. Maybe it's an anchor system, hear me out here, because you have the bag, you can fill it with sand,

you can fill it with rocks at home, whatever. But now there's those situations, forget the sand, you can just anchor to a thing. Do you get what I'm saying? Like a lounge chair. You're in a, something like a strap Forget the sand, you could just be anchored to a thing. Do you get what I'm saying? Like a lounge chair. You're in a, something like a strap that you could hook to a tree that's got a give on it.

30 foot fucking rope maybe that lets you go out, but you're not gonna. A little bungee, a little bungee. But you're not gonna go out to the middle of the lake and get too far away from everybody. Well, I think on the, I appreciate that, and you're right, maybe in the pool situation, have like a little bungee thing

that you can put to a chair or something, your wife's in a chair, you know, that's heavy enough to hold down, hook onto that, and you stay in that area. But in a lake or an ocean, you go in, right? You ever go to a way on vacation? No. Have you ever been to like Aruba? No, okay?

Have it been like away just you know rent a cabin and there's a nice lake or no Okay, have you ever been like on? The beach and you're going out in the ocean just to chill. Yes. Yes, okay You get a float you ever going to buy a float. No, you ever rent a float. No Have you ever had a childhood? No, okay. Listen, it was taken from me pretty young. I was in house babysitter for us. I was 11. Yeah You've never gone to a place where you bought I mean black me up Lou you go away on vacation The first thing you do is buy a dumb float in the place for like 20 bucks

Yes, and you know, you're gonna blow it up, you're gonna use it for the seven days or whatever you're there, and then you're gonna leave it for the next family that can't afford it or whatever, right? And usually the people that work there will come and stab it with a knife so you go buy a brand new one

because they don't want people getting free shit. But if you bought that float, right, and it came with a bag, and it came with a ring and a rope called the Flanker and then you filled it up with sand and you went out into the water and you lied on it and you put that little bag in the thing and you stayed in one place. So when you looked up there's your people, there's your lounge chair, you weren't 50 miles down the beach at some other hotel, you're right there and you just just on your finger, lie in there

and you just stay, you swing around. Wouldn't that be amazing? Amazing. And it costs what? A couple bucks more? You'd take that home. You'd pack it in the bag because it's small, right? I mean the Flanker. Take it with you everywhere you go. Oh wait a second. This is the,'re also Trademarking the float itself is not I think you should branch out and make the the flanker connect to any float Oh, you can buy no you can buy just the flanker by itself for your own float Absolutely, but when you when you buy the flanker, we're gonna be bad business partners in this thing But I can already feel you're taking real innovative ideas that I'm adding to your thing and then you just turn it and say, oh yeah, we've already

thought of that basically. He's like, no, no, no, that's not what it is. It's different. Well, you can buy two versions, dude. If you want to buy just the flanker part, that's great, but when you buy it, the original is the float and the anchor. Keep your stupid idea. I'm actually right now working on a half robot, half human

that looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger. So I don't even need you guys for being completely honest. I'm building my own thing. Right, we'll see what hits first. Yeah. We'll see what hits first. I mean, Jacob, what would you rather buy? I'm doing it with two porn stars I've met,

Sky Fox and Netta Harris. We call it Skynet and we're thinking about making me and these two parnes the sky net me and these two porn stars are gonna make Arnold Schwarzenegger looking robot people and it's gonna be so funny is gonna have Arnold Schwarzenegger's Austrian voice for some reason that sounds that sounds dangerous. No, it's Hitler's idea It's a slight nod to Hitler that Austrian the cyborgs that try to destroy the human race have Austrian accents like Hitler himself But if it's a robot, why does it have to have so much muscles?

Why can't it just be it's not the question you should be asking you should be asking the question that how did I travel through? Time and impregnated lady. I was supposed to protect to save my best friend But my best friend has sent me back and I'm actually his father But he couldn't have sent me back I wouldn't be his father if the future didn't happen before the past but I can't worry about that right now So I'm just trying to build my own sports nega robot What could go wrong dude? I have an emotional robot. It think this just like already exists.

I've never hated somebody. Let me tell you something. I'm not going to more. I'm not going today. Listen to me. I'm not, I left. I didn't go. You're here doing a show by yourself?

I'm here doing the show by myself. I used your robot to come back in time. We can make Christine sit somewhere else. Oh my god. Probably it's not my fault that when you Google stand anchor for floats, it doesn't come back in time. We can make Christine sit somewhere else. Oh my god. Probably it's not my fault that when you Google stand anchor for floats, it doesn't come up no results. Oh, you know what? When Jay asked you to Google something,

you take five hours when you want to kill. Well, nobody asked me to Google this. I just thought I'd check. Christine, do me a favor. When you're killing a dream, you're really fast on the draw. Christine, do me a favor. While we're looking it up, can you do me a favor?

Could you see if Terminators already exist before I start wasting my time? Christine, do me a favor, while we're looking it up, can you do me a favor? Could you see if Terminators already exists before I start wasting my time? Also, do a Google search for Skynet and make sure that hasn't been taken either because I actually realized I haven't trademarked that yet. What is it? It's an anchor that already exists.

When you described the product, I was like, that's actually pretty good. And then I was like, how is that not? How about an anchor for big ships, Bobby? How about she kept it a secret that she thought my product was good. And that means she was somehow gonna steal it. I was like, what do you mean?

I was like, oh, you filled up with sand. I was like, that makes sense. Oh my gosh, I guarantee there's gonna be flankers at Skankfest. All the gift bags are gonna have flankers. With stupid comics faces on it. Actually, my best guess was that we have a flanker booth. They're for sale right there, right outside.

Come talk to me about flankers. Hey, have you heard about flankers? Ask me anything. I know we got to wrap this sum bitch up, everybody. We are, by the way, as we speak right now, for sure, Cory is pretty much just about wrapping up. Yeah, right. Jay is just about, he's probably to the police car.

I'm probably in the police car now. But I'm saying all kinds of shit. Like, he's not the boss of me. He can't tell me what to do. This is crazy. I thought this was America. But that doesn't matter. Because we are having a blast.

I know we are. I know we have such a fun group of people going to sing tomorrow. And we'll come back and tell you all about it. We have Ture on the show tomorrow, I believe. And we are going to be talking about this concert and what we saw on the video we have. And who knows?

Maybe I never even got. Maybe I'm already in the parking lot. I bet you're going to make three songs before he recognizes you. I'm not going to not be able to dance. Like, I have to dance. And he's going to see my moves. I'm not gonna not be able to dance like I have to dance and he's gonna see my moves That's not his fault That'll be my fault Robert Kelly

Go to punch up that live slash Robert Kelly for all of his live dates and a bunch of content Updating constantly. He's also gonna be in co-host New York at the co-host music hall October 5th Mike drop comedy in San Diego October 10th and 11th Bobby's taking a light easy summer which I love I'm jealous after that Minneapolis Point Pleasant New Jersey Dunnel in New Jersey and many many more look for a city near you a punch up dot live slash Robert Kelly and catch him every Tuesday night except tonight at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge the comedy seller for tickets and other tour dates visit punchup.live

Big J is gonna be in Heal'em in Portland Oregon August 1st to the 3rd after that He's gonna be in Albany and then Portland, Maine Dallas, Omaha for tickets and all other dates visit one of the funniest guys on earth Big J comedy comm for all his tickets. he's a hoot your video clip you put up over the weekend fucking with that couple I had me cry it was fucking hilarious check that out all right we'll see you guys tomorrow it's the bonfire. Live tomorrow. Just big fat mom boobs. Working with some mom boobs. I wrote this with Josh Eddermeyers.

Just don't seem to have nothing to lose. Working with your mom boobs. We kept saying that because there were so many of those in Austin. Just girls walking by with big sunburnt mom tits. I love mom tits. We're again with you mom boobs. I love a freckled titty. I do.

Woke up, rest at the sound of thunder, looked to my right, saw what a wonder. Saw a set of titties born in 1961. Ain't it funny how those mom boobs. They went burnt by the Sun freckles everywhere and the black chicks come in than the other. Working with your mom boobs. You know what? I wrote that with you, not Josh Edemeyer's. I'll tell you why.

What I'm really saying is I kept saying it outside the Josh Edemeyer's and he wasn't giving any love and I was pointing that out. And then I finally got him to go, we're getting with the mama. But he's responsible for nothing else. No, we just wrote mom boobs. And then after the show, I was talking to this really smoking hot milk. else. No, no. We just wrote Mom Boobs. And then after the show, I was talking to this really smokin' hot milf. Oh my God.

Was she workin' with the mom boobs, been a gon' gon' gon'. Oh my God. She was there with her daughters. I wanted nothing to do with those young plump girls. I wanted those big, singing, not boobs. Working on her mom boobs. Her good shit.

She had a sleeve, like a divorce sleeve. How'd you get your tan? Yeah, you know how'd you get that tan line so low on your boo? Yeah Yeah, just where's your goddamn nipple start in regular titty begin? What's on your stomach? Your nipples resting in your stretch marks. Your belly button so big I can put go inside and mix it. That's why I love your big titties they got zits on them. Your nipples are chewy like a piece of gum.

Working with your mom boobs. Really makes me cum I love night boobs mom boobs are the best mom boobs I like mom boobs I love a mom boobs I'll pick up a pair of mom boobs

one hangs lower than the left one one's a B and one's a double D I can pluck a hair off your titty Your nipple hair comes in dark and long I see them whiskers They're gray and brown Girl I see them whiskers I can see those whiskers, whiskers, whiskers, whiskers

Ham and turkey top deck Whiskas, whiskas, whiskas, whiskas Ham and turkey top deck Workin' with your mom boobs Mom boobs I know you got a Ziploc bag full of potato chips in your purse Mom boobs In case you get peckish during the show Mom boobs

You don't mind walkin' around with an aluminum can full show. Mom boobs! You don't mind walking around with an aluminum can full of water. Mom boobs! We know you don't have tampons cause you don't have your period anymore. Mom boobs! You still buy your makeup from Rite Aid. Mom boobs! You get hot and cold cause you're pre-menopause. You wear a Marvin the Marsan shirt out for fashion. Mom mom boobs you take a painting class at a mall mom boobs you still got little pom poms in the back of your socks woo woo

yay yay yay yay yay yay yay so i can write 17 verses of mom boobs