The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - The Kids Are Back (w/ Monroe Martin, Derek Gaines, Joe DeRosa & Corinne Fisher)

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

Monroe Martin and Derek Gaines join the show & Monroe talks about growing up in the foster care system in Philadelphia. Joe DeRosa guest hosts with Jay & Corinne Fisher joins the show sharing how she got an awkward text before her show the night before. Jay and Dan review the new season of Surviving R. Kelly.

You're listening to Comedy Central! BAM! Hey, I'm Big J.O.Person. And I'm Dan Soder, and you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th 8PM on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the bonfire, SXM.

Hi, it's Blackloo, and welcome to the first bonfire best of the week for 2020. Friends of the show, Monroe Martin and Derek Gaines stop by, and Monroe told the crew about his time growing up in the foster care system in Philadelphia. I think I should have been standing out there, but with all their parents, and I was like, we're any of them like, just great like the shit and you were like, no really like the one who I will take that like the ones who are great were the ones who like taught me how to be independent There were like like miss Pearl She was like old woman Chained smoker like she smoked at least a half a carton of cigarettes a day craze

She she was like late 60s. She had a dog named Fefe. I sort of got a love Fefe. She was like a mutt but mixed with a German shepherd. She used to sit there and smoke cigarettes and Fefe would just be right next to her inhaling that shit. And she had like a little green canry that horns sound like it's smoke cigarettes to like me right

sneakers and shit and like somebody being a way to like me and then look at the car the fuck is that yeah dude she was great but she ended up getting like a smaller kid and then she was like look I can't have both of you you old you'll figure it out I was like all right they took me to six flags for the first time and that was the last time I was in the house Like she took me to six flags. She I was on every ride even one that you pay for you know It's just like swimming back and forth we're buying food Oh, you got a black people don't fuck with park food. They bring new shit They have fun oh

Back to the car I go back to the stamp that's in the black light shit. Yeah go eat it the car Park food like multiple times Right we stayed to the party ratio as much as a financial thing because I remember a lot of times in a water park Or amusement park yeah going back out to the car cooler Or say we're back. Yeah, yeah, say which isn and coolers. Yeah, who's in sandwiches and coolers? I can trip the wall wall love you all was Yeah, we all right simple

Oc bags of baloney sandwiches yeah, I still remember what the cooler look like Like we handle yeah that you pulled down oh no we get the actual disposable like styrofoam That you were gonna leave there when it's over just kick them apart and let the There's so many movies and stories of like foster care being some amazing story of like I'm working on something I'm working on Changing the narrative a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah Like it ain't sweet like that. I was there um was there a guy that was there a foster family that you had that the dude had a crusty job that you didn't like that you're like I'm glad you fucking I

Most of my fostered I only had two foster dads fought both of them. Okay, what's your? Yeah, I I won one I won the other one they jumped me. What yeah, how's a foster dad? Yeah, I don't know what is foster children and then he's like listen, you know that kid I'm taking care of One I won the other one they jumped me. What? Yeah. How does a foster dad do? How does a young man do it? Foster children. And then he's like, listen, you know that kid I'm taking care of? See I was teaching him. Remember that kid that's got to tell a line?

He depends. He goes, he goes, he's talking to his brother, he goes, what are you doing this afternoon? Wanna come over teaching, young man role lesson? He goes, he's gonna come up. I'm gonna go for a hug. You need to come in. Fuck it, hand.

I'm gonna do the Superman pun punch him right off the steps. Did you really know? Why'd they jump you? Okay, it's a long story. Right, me. Did we got time? Yes, so they just bought a new house. They moved into a new house.

This is him, his wife, yeah, like two kids, whatever. Okay. And they gave me this bullshit ass curfew in the summertime. The curfew was like, you need to be home at like 10 o'clock. And I'm like, it's the fucking summer. Like, no, how do you? I'm like 16, going on 17 at this time. 16, 10 o'clock, that's early.

That's fucking early. That's crazy. I don't have no, they never gave me bus fare anything. And in Philly, I walked everywhere. So you know where Ryzen's son Avenue is? So they lived in Ryzen's son Avenue. I hung out by broad now, then he saw it would walk all the way home.

That's fucking, yeah. I remember how far that is. That's a long ass walk. It's a long ass walk. Don't worry, walk, no. What's your calves like? You got good calves? I feel like you're trying to catch one.

I got lazy living in New York now that I get on a train but he's still walking everywhere. Fucking, yeah, these things are strong, yeah. Oh, dude, you could probably eat whatever you wanted Just when Rose like Tyreesh just walk it and singing with headphones on So I'm sorry you had a 10 o'clock curfew you walk first curfew got there probably like 11 30 12 o'clock They locked me outside But they like they I got there. I was not gonna the door and I watched them shut the lights all one by one in the house

Right you lost the downstairs lights go off so I'll walk around back to see those lights go off and then like you just see the upstairs Lights go off so I started I like bang on the door kick the door and then I just go in the backyard and just Hang out and then I just get like angry right? I just get angry and I fucking they have a above-ground pool and I didn't mean to but I Kick the fucking pump of the pool and all the water just Just spilling out Did you immediately go from like super angry to super like fuck? You're just so mad you like me fuck this stupid Like weird a lot of water coming out noise

Filtering out of a hole so you can't like you're gonna hold the nylon back up and fight nature There's nothing you could possibly do You can chew enough gum to plug that hole You had to float down the street two packs of juicy fruit, right? Dude, that's so funny. I panic I fucking like ran and if you know rise the sun It's like close to being the suburbs very quiet and shit It's on so I'm like booking it down the street and I get like far enough by the forming mills And I'm like, all right fuck I'm good. I'm just like walk back to my friend's house I've gray mini van pulls up. They both it stops. They both jump out and proceed to a kick that shit out of me Like I'm fighting back. I get like one good hit in and I'm like,

bounce like I'm fucking, I'm just gonna get some back. Yeah, I'm like, like, yeah. How would you be like, you're like, I like your bike. Hi, Mr. Marcus, I'm really sorry, but like, did you think there was a chance he was gonna like, No, they jumped out and started.

So I squared up, they came out like, Yeah, it wasn't like, No words, it wasn't no own words it was no words anything you know how hard it works for that pool how's that legal it's not it's not isn't it a contract all right so you can beat this kids as the sliding door I see here did the sliding door opening his brother got out of it uh he so yes the sliding door kid no they wasn't a sliding door they both jumped out

of he jumped out of the patch of the and then he stopped the car in the middle of the street and then jumped out and then like my dumb ass shit Or this ran. Yeah, but like I see them coming towards me and I knew I can take the dad like I got enough rage Emetable like at least I can take the dad but his brother was quick Brother was quick. Yeah. Yeah. I was a jab. His brother was quick. So, I got like one good hit in but they set fire to my ass. Really? I did not call my mom. His is a fuck that thing.

Like me and my mom are cool but I call my mom from a pay phone and collect call, right? Collect call, call my mom. And me and my mom, like my mom never really had a life together. She was like living in a room at this time. She was like come to me I'll take care of you Bubba blind I go and like I stay with her next day and then she calls Child services and puts me back in foster care so she doesn't get in trouble. Geez. Wow

Never back to that guy never back to that guy never back to that guy never never been back But James was charges and nothing so it was nothing really happened Did you get your stuff back from them like how did that? Yeah, but the my social worker went and grabbed it and they like they just took they just basically handed them what they wanted to Because they like bought me stuff here in air, but they would just throw leg Whatever you're just so sure working that really gave you should about you like absolutely not my Would you feel like you're just social worker that really gave me shit about you? Like, precious.

Absolutely not. My, I'm precious. I don't want to get dark. First, first, first worker killed himself. Jesus. Okay. Okay. You think it was your fault?

I think so. You guys, Jay, was it? Was it because your grades weren't good? Yeah. Yeah. Because all your foster families were fighting you? Fail, social studies. It says that I can't.

I can't do that so funny. It's the end of the day. Yeah, you go. All right, I don't care about the war of 1812 Care now care now history repeats all oh god miss Chelsea Yeah Trying to piece it back together like a really good Puzzle yeah, she goes here's motivation. So wait, that was the first one this was the first one, but I was young

How did they tell you my mom, but so when it ended up happening is my mom and did up telling me cuz like I was like I forgot her name. I think her name started with a dinner. I was like whatever happened to that lady and she was like Oh, like she ended up committing suicide. I'm like And my mom actually liked her so then I had another social worker is the African dude who was always on vacation He only showed up just voice You have If you're a social worker had that thing was hello, I'm just kidding It's not me. Leave a message though.

Yeah. You know what to do. I'm being beaten to death by my, by my foster friend. Oh, he's fucking. I was just saying to the message to the machine. I was just saying to handicap match with my fucking foster dad and his brother. You know what to do.

You hear the beep? Lay down the street. It's like some fun thing that you're going to find. And help me. Boom, boom, boom. So the second guy was always on vacation. Lay down the street, it's like some fun thing that you're going to find out. Find out me. Boom, boom, boom. So the second guy was always on vacation. Second guy was always on vacation, only showed up

when there was like court. Cause you got to go to a family court and check in and all that stuff. They'll check the progress of the kids and then the mom and see if they're ready for reunification and all that shit. And he only show up when it was that time. Okay.

But I wouldn't see him any other time. And that's like your agent. Like, if like in social workers like your agent. So if it's take you out the lunch and shit, were you with the family that you liked at that point, or were you with the shitty family, so you're like, I was with a shitty family.

Like the mom was always cool with that. Yeah, like this, like this, I was always tall. Like what's I hit? Like, I wanna say like the end of ninth grade going into, I just shot up and I just got like bigger. And then most of my foster parents seen that as like, oh you're a man. By the way, what a great like comedy origin story.

Cause like me, you and Derek are, we're hacks in the world of comedy. It's my single mom. Everybody gets it. Yeah, no one like you. Yeah one like you need more of a male figure Fucking the roast scrapping with foster parents Like even in group homes like you fight most of the staff there because they're like slamming kids on their heads Like for real like all the holds that cops do

Like young job at one point Talked about it. He was you ever get put in a legal chokehold. I was like all the holds that cops do like that young job at one point I talked about it. He was you ever get put in a legal chokehold I was like all the time. You're fucking legal chokeholds You should put them in like you got to put them you got to do holds that don't involve the neck got you So but they will put them on like full Nelson's half knows dude your brudal You're jujitsu must have been on your jits just Good luck getting a come on Brutal your jujitsu must have been on your jits is tight Good luck getting a come or on a Monroe training out of group home in full-prost

Pennsylvania Yeah, they show you how to roll quick though. You know bro does have a fucking He has a foster kids jab quick one quick one. I've seen him like Like, tested like, what the fuck did that come from? You're barely, maybe that's a don't, it's a don't touch my shit punch. I'm like, bro, we was at a movie theater, he was about to, y'all was fucked. That fight that was about to happen. I was like, damn, roll his kind of fast.

That's those jabs, good, as much as paste. Yeah. That's it. Hey guys, this is Black Louigan. Joe DeRose is subbed in for an absent dance odor on Wednesday. He and Jay welcome Karin Fisher, who told us about getting an awful text at the wrong time. Enjoy. You've been very kind to me. It's been a tumultuous 24 hours.

It's been a while I wanted for Karin. Yeah. Poor Karin was on the worst last night we did. So which is a great show. Thank you so much for doing it. I was in the worst state. Yeah. She came on stage. It was so for real. It was so manic. It was so manic real. It was so mad. Like it was so mad. Everyone was like, is she okay? Yeah. They're like, what do you do? You go home? I don't know what to do. And it was, and it was hard. I've had to do show. I mean, everyone, probably every comics had to do a show to some degree right away when like something pretty miserable happens in your life. It's like, it's especially heart breaks.

Stuff of the hearts, even the worst. Yeah. Right. Like I remember said, when I told them on stage last night with you too, when my extra offering Cheryl broke up with me that I was with for years, when I first started coming to New York, like having to go up and do spots, which is like the error of the comedy seller. We'd go there.

We were the brand new guys, not working the seller, just new guys in New York that were like Keith's guys, and they would tell that information to like, Norton, Florentine, Patrice, like, you know, Voss, and those guys weren't like, man, you all right, buddy? It's like, yeah. It was like, good for you, you piece of shit. You just fucking too hot for you anyways,

and it's all this thing, but it's somehow kind of get you out of it, just like laughing about it, but you had to be funny in the moment, which is like a different thing. Yeah, I mean, and I think I, yeah, I was like, oh God, everyone's uncomfortable. And then sometimes you realize things are so bad only you can help you in that moment, because I even look, I was like, maybe Jake had helped me and I looked up and he was like,

and I was like, oh, this is a lady problem. You know, yeah, I was like, this is lady level and Christine's not on stage. So I'm gonna have to get through this with my blazer by myself. Look, if you explain what happened right before you went on stage. Right before I went on stage, and I went, and I'm not like a comedy right before,

like literally three minutes, I was putting my notes together for the show. And like a colleague, a friend slash colleague, like not so much super close to me, just sent me a screenshot of my ex-boyfriends, new girlfriend, with an engagement ring on. And this is the one that looks like me and that he cheated on me with. And then my friend just goes, God, I have so many questions. And I'm like, I mean, it would be bad enough to get that in text,

but to get the full photo with the Facebook announcement of it, I was like, this is a lot. Even though this is someone I dumped and someone I was toxic and I don't like, it was still, I mean, I'm a human being. Sure. I'm like, crouched over. And then I felt like a male comic rubbing my back and it was so nice and I needed it so much. And it was either like Mark Norman or Sal Volcano, maybe both of

them I don't know. And I was like, whoever this is, it's so nice. Let me put it there, just holding hands behind your back. It was having a gay hand touch behind your back. Oh, I guess. Oh, it moved. It moved. It moved.

It moved. It moved. It moved. It moved. It moved. It moved. It moved. It moved. Yeah, that's a rough one. Yeah, and it's so, the toxic thing you said, it still doesn't matter. Because you're almost, it's probably as makes you think you're like, man, was he talk, why is this girl nothing used to toxic? Oh, no, no, no, it all makes sense.

Change completely. No, no, no, no, absolutely not. Everything makes sense to me in that. I thank God I work in relationships so much and I talk about it and I read so much materials about it, I'm actually really good. And by the time I was walking home from Joe and I's show, I had already talked to myself out of it

and I was like, you're good. And I was also fully in ketosis. So I was like day three though. So that makes you so crazy because you're detoxing from sugar. So I was, it was like day three though. So that makes you so crazy because you're detoxing from sugar. So my emotions were like, it was just all the timing of everything was the absolute worst. But by the time I woke up this morning, I was like, making fun of it, laughing at myself, I updated my header on Twitter to, I'll just say James's engagement announcement. And I, being petty, honestly, just makes me feel so great.

And it's so cathartic. I recommend it to anyone, you know? Yeah, yeah. It was wonderful, because people, I was like, is that too petty to do? And then within moments of asking the question on Twitter, I had already updated it. I had to do some photoshopping too.

I didn't put their names in it, you know. I have a long standing policy. If I'm hurting, if you make me hurt a little bit, I need you to hurt a little bit worse. Yeah, we're all hurting. Yeah, I'm hurting. If I'm hurting, we're all gonna hurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're all, yeah. If I'm going down and bringing some people with me. If I'm gonna be sad, everybody's gonna be sad. Yeah, yeah. I got that. I'm not saying you're sad by myself. Everyone's going eight different directions, a pissed off.

It's like a fool. Sorry, the cops caught me. I'm gonna have to rat you all out. Sorry, sorry. It's just what has to happen. Well, they got the cops caught me. I'm gonna have to rat you all out. Sorry, sorry. It's just what has to happen. Well, they got me. So that's the problem. If they had got you, maybe this would go different. You should have sacrificed yourself and not let them get me. Oh my God. Who told you? I mean, you don't have to say his name, but I mean, what's the relationship? It's a comic and a colleague of mine. He, I mean, he's

trying to bang me. I was gonna say you made a joke about that. I don't think that that I don't know if that was his approach, but that was not helpful. And he also like I'm seeing someone else, but. Yeah, that's a fucking dumb approach. Whoever did that's actually that's lame. That was like, I don't know who it is. No, he actually, oh, since the show he texted me actually,

like a couple hours ago and he was like, yo, I feel really bad about yesterday. I just like because he truly thought that we would have a good laugh about it. This is hours ago and he was like, yo, I feel really bad about yesterday. I just like, because he truly thought that we would have a good laugh about it. This is a problem because I am like, so I come off as so strong and I am, but it's like, I'm still human. I'm not invincible.

Got you, sir. You know? So yeah, so it was maybe, it took me back so much to when you said it yesterday when the girl who I was the genessa, genessa Faragalli, who I was like my high school crush. I associate Philly name. Christine's like, I know.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Christine's name. Jay, did you grow up in Moonstroke? He did. Get a step out of it. Get a step out of it.

That Genessa Faragalli. Paul the Chevy around. I got the Lasagna. Yeah. Very Philly. Very, very, very Ph very, very, very. Holy Dago Christ. That is a fucking Italian name. Jesus. I pray to the Wap Gods.

They go grease ball, bitch. May my mother go blind. She was my high school cry. There's nothing. There's no Christina's her name only from the stories of this not working out ever. Well, and to me. There's no, Christine knows her name only from the stories of this not working out ever. Well into me and Christine's relationship,

this girl's uninterested in me still. We had a... You know because he did a beef and a beef and beer? I performed on a beef and beer and filly like two years ago for her. Yeah, like a time that I shouldn't have done that. Like for her, charity. I was like, I don't dare dance charity.

Oh, well, the old dance charity, that's what I get to do. By the way, save the nightmare of what was happening in that show. A nightmare of what was happening. I got introduced the guy. The guy was working it. Joe, you'll remember like an opening, the opening comic, you mean the opening comic hosting was member cousin Vinnie. Yes, from Philly, a little guy, yes, whatever he was, he's an open microphone Philly from back in the day He was hosting the show

Slow it down. Sure. Give me some of the bits. Give me some of the bits that came out in that opening monitor I don't remember one bit. He had all I know was he said he hasn't do comedy anymore He's a boxing announcer. Oh so I go, I go, oh, that's cool. And he's telling, and then goes on to give me 30 minutes of his life falling apart. The, his wife, like he married like a girl, like in her 20s or something, and he's in his 50s. And then she died from something weird. And he's like, my angel, every day is a new nightmare. And I wake up with,

wake up. Just all the stuff, you're like, oh my lord. Yeah, that's heavy, that's heavy. Then he goes, all right, so I'm gonna do a little bit of time and then I'll bring, you know, Rob Mayu went with me,

he was gonna go on and then I'll bring you up. Did Rob go on? Yeah. Yeah, how'd that go? I'm not good, dude. It didn't go great for me. It was like, when as good as it was gonna, I was like, I was able to command their attention. Yeah Great for me it was like when as good as it was gonna I was able to command their attention. I've seen Rob offend a wanting audience Philly Philly beefen beer posted by Janessa Farageli

So I think everything's fine Samantha Montevani not present. She was the other crush Samantha Montevani so much name Really so Philly so So that guy Vinny goes me before he starts the show He goes a man he goes Well how I was how tall are you I go I'm like 63 he goes what do you way I go why and And he goes, oh, because I'm a boxing announcer now. So when I bring you up, I'm gonna bring you up. It's like, the heavyweight, king of comedy. And I go, dude, dude, I go, do me favor. I've never, every host it's ever walked up to me

in my life up into including yesterday for something, goes, what do you mean it's gonna bring you up? I go, whatever. Yeah. It's just this and I go, if you need something, just bonfire, whatever. It's like, just, but- And do by the way, I do that, but real quick, I do that too. And the host always laughs like, uh, you, I go, it doesn't matter.

Nobody's gonna go, oh, he was on that all laugh now. Yeah. It's gonna be funny, you're not gonna be funny. They don't give a fuck. If they leave, I think they'll go, can I say, just bonfire? Sure. Yeah. And I say, just, whatever you say, it doesn't matter.

But this guy goes, I do like a boxing, I can already tell he's getting ready to say, I do the heavyweight champion of comedy, and I go, I'll do, do, do, do. I go do me a favor, I'll bet. And you do. Vity, look Vity. I can't do, don't fucking do that.

The video. This is for a female comment too. Are you trying to find it, Christine? You're trying to find it. Well, I don't think he let the beefen be hurt. He doesn't do a tie that shows this Vity. Right. He's never met a female comment to find it Christine you're trying to find it Well, I don't know that the beef and beer. He doesn't do a time of shows this Vinny Right, he's never met a female comedian. Oh my god. Oh Vinny don't do that. I go Vinny don't do that

I don't say I'm not giving you my weight and don't say my weight Oh shit, what if he just gets like a carnival guy? say I'm not giving you my weight and don't say my weight. Please. Shit. What if he just guessed like a carnival guy? We have video. We have video. So Rob, I'm back. Rob may have had the intelligence to film this. It's me just backstage behind just like a Chinese partition.

Yeah. Like a little. Yeah. A curtain. Yeah. I'm waiting behind this thing to go on By the way on the night, Jeannes of Farragale barely hanging out or saying hello or anything at all could not really over give a shit that I'm Sleeping for it. She'd be even beard over shit She knew you were in love with her and that you would do it But she didn't really want to actually like entertain the thought of screwing you.

She asked you to. Well, but I'm not entertaining the idea of screwing her. It's just simply I want her to. We're talking about her on serious. I. Yes. She's called in the show before. I want her to want to fuck me as the problem.

He goes on stage and what Rob films is my face when this guy on stage goes, everybody you ready for your headliner? I bring the you standing. It's six foot two takes off an inch, 280 pounds adds weight. I knew he was going to guess. Actually, you know what? And to make, I swear to you, this is true. I just forgot to say this when he asked me to wait before I said what for I go, I like two 70s.

He's like, he's like, oh, yeah, I go. Then why? Why do you want to know? And then he said before I said what for I go I like two 70s like he's like oh Yeah, I go then why why you want to know and then he sits the whole thing so I go don't do that He takes off an engine adds 10 pounds And you just see my face when he goes the head goes at 280 pounds and Rob just films me going Munchen that's a fat I am a friend of Genesis a very good. Oh, this is like crazy I'm a fat. I am a friend of just a very good. This is like I school over. But you know, poor,

Jeanness, though, talk about like not what I thought happened with you with that text. Why bring it up at all. Uh-huh. Was because I liked her always and she did like date or make out or whatever you called it in high school. What I don't know how much fucking was going on really. But like, right. Definitely like dated and like, you know and we're a boy from her school. She heard around, yeah.

Through a lot of friends of mine. And when one of my friends said one of my friends was like having dude talk shitty for sure, but which I don't know if I would have cared if it wasn't a girl that I liked also, but he's just doing like the, she was all sad because I don't wanna like date her, like seriously, whatever, but it's like, go eat a cheese a cheeseburger you bitch because like she was chubby to some degree

and like I didn't think so. I thought she was amazing. I think you're perfect. Holding up the sign from love actually. I'm gonna dance with you in a fountain. She's fitting my starter jet. She fitting my starter jet. It's wonderfully. But uh, shut up about those other guys, you don't know anything. I, like, uh, I mean, this is world class, for tardy. I go through the hall and I want to, she's in school, like, sad about TJ or something like that. And I'm trying to make her, I'm like, this is going to get her to be into me now.

When I tell her I go, he said that you should go get a cheeseburger and he doesn't even know like I don't waste your time being upset about that and she was and she just went I'm like in my mind she's gonna go thank you for telling me that I love you right. She just went he said what? I made her feel ten times worse and then teaching comes up to me and he's like do what the fuck you tell her and I didn't even have anything I was like my instinct is I was like bigger than I was like why what instinct is I was like bigger than him.

I was like, why what's up? What what's up? What are you gonna do about it? And he's like, nothing man, just fucked up. Like, why would you tell her I said that? I'm like, I just made it. I'm gonna ass hold everybody. I didn't make not one thing better there.

So I guess I deserve to get stiffed a beef and beer. I got caught 20 pounds at the end of it. I was like, I was like, I'm leaving. She's like, how was your chef by the way? It's fine. You got to really find, yeah. But like, good for the situation. Fair galley.

Which one is she? Not the one you're gonna guess it is. Wait till the people at home see this? I love this show. I'm kidding. Please tell me. You're the show I love it. I wanted it to be second from the left so bad.

We know it's really funny. The girl next to her was my actual date that night 10 times hotter You don't know them like he knows them Joe come on This is very galley lady doesn't sell again nice. What you can tell by the smiles that the girl he likes has more personality Yes, I'll say it Schwartzberg. That's who I work with Courtney Schwartzberg. She was a George girl. Yeah, she was a sweatpants matching color sweatshirt sweatpants all day every day girl at school went with I moved I switched schools

So this was to go back I went with her because there was like an excuse for me to be able to come to the prom with all my friends Right not the new school. So she wasn't going with anybody, so we were like, yeah, we'll go. I went with her. I was such a dweeb in high school. I would never go back to those times. I don't have no interest in going back to that.

No, no, no. Who only losers would want to go back to high school? Yeah, if you had the best time in your life, you're a loser. You peaked the S, bad time the peak. But in this girl, she showed up walking that over house, looking like, and I was like, blowing away. I was like, holy shit. She looks great. Like she like and I was like blowing away. I was like holy shit

She's like she's so I Stressing up as a young boy She's all there. She's all that on you. She's all that on me. She did because then I at the end of the night At the end of the night I Go and tell her friend this one That bitch has something to prove. Can't wait for somebody to talk to her. Yeah, that I am now willing To hook up with the one I came on the date with who's her friend?

You're willing to and that girl went and said to her and she was like, yeah, she's going home Which is no which is do it. I'm like right It was a dumb stupid really dumb thing to say I I didn't say like I hold out, but I was just like Yeah, let her know that I'm like, you know, I'm into it Like what I by the way that's nothing that gives off my personality in life at all even in that school So it's a weird like I'll do her the favor, you know, you shouldn't like you clean up nice That's my favorite thing when people say I mean you clean up nice. I will I will stab anyone in the face who says that to me

Hello there everyone. This is DJ Liu and on this week's laws tapes, Jan Dan talked about the latest installment of surviving R Kelly Which leads them to talk about molestation which leads them to talk about fucking their teachers. Here's a clip. Enjoy. I'm the Jokes nice Dan Soder. We were talking about the R Kelly thing. There was like a $5,000 settlement with that was four Was they found out the guy the neighbor guy who was molesting Mr. Harry, who was molesting R. Kelly. We're trying to molest R. Kelly and his brothers, and I think did achieve it with at least R. Kelly. I caught one of them kill boys.

If not one of them. And they, the mom found out and they paid the mom, that guy paid the mom five grand to not like, so poor, poor, but five grand. That's crazy. Probably could've got, I'm not saying, I'm not saying, I'm not saying, I'm not saying I understand taking a settlement,

I go, damn lady, you like settle, like five grand. That's a, but you get that guy, that guy would've liquidated his fucking house to not go to jail for that. Yeah. So if you just said like, no, I $200,000 that guy would have figured out Away, but man as a child, especially as a victim to have that feeling of your family just being like we'll take the money. Yeah, it's got

So you got to be like, Sam fuck this boy also became a guy that ended up just doing that like offering money to people, you know, so that was the brother that or Arkelli did Arkelli or or or Arkelli did. Arkelli, oh no, Arkelli. Arkelli then started. You know, kind of weird that you become that. You like just become like, you take care of the way. Usually. What's that? Usually goes either way. You become like a, you become like a damaged fucking like victim your whole life or you become like the abuse, you know, or the abuser. They also had a family member, which I'm guessing is a cousin by the way they blanket out, who was only a few years older than a girl. And the one brother, the younger brother, starts describing like what she did to him and getting on top of him, like making him like lay down, pushing on the bed, and playing with his dick, and then getting on top of him, I guess, and riding him.

He was like from six to 10, which I'm like, black dick, dude, am I right? Six years old, you can get? Six years old my putt wouldn't have gone in anything Also, I wouldn't have it was a button dude. I was a real I was real sensitive to smells and in Feelings and textures and everything made your heart out of it like We're a little fear a little beater. There's no way I could just have a girl ride me and be like okay So I just like what is this? Oh, you're humpy and look at see. see yeah, so you fucking one ago. Yeah, you want that six-year-old Yeah, it's going Yeah, you want Santa to put you on the good list Also to I got a dollar for it

This was for that dollar My baby teeth are almost out and then he found out that she was doing it to our Kelly to And when he went talking me so he said they were in a conversation one time But they were like man, you never had no pussy before you never got laid before it at R Kelly was like Yeah, huh. Yeah, I like very commonly. Yeah, I had you know I would see I would know it was going on with this cousin and I was like I think you liked it I'm like my mind. I'm like It's just like well you take it some it's you know

There's so many more dudes being fucked by their female school teachers than the school teachers are going down for. Oh, because there's a major handful of them are just like, yeah, I jerk off that fucking university for my junior year of high school. I'm probably saying, you're being molested. You're like, what?

Yeah, did I ain't say, I ain't fucking yourself, dude. I'm gonna say the teacher's name, but she was my marketing teacher, and I used to just go to class and be like, I'm gonna jerk off to you. Confidently, my head like, man, you have no idea the ropes, I'm throwing up. So I never said that I've never had a teacher

that was attractive in my life. Ever, ever. Not even one in your school? I'm sure there was, sure, but I don't, never like with someone that, I don't remember ever going through a year school. What's gotta be the one? I don't remember going through a year of school where every time you see it, it goes, well, at least we get to look at misses, whatever. But I'm saying, like, if you had like a, like a Mrs. Taylor,

like a Miss Taylor, you know what I mean? And then you're like, talk with your buddies and you're like, how the fuck Miss Taylor? I bet Miss Taylor would fuck good, you know what I mean? You're like a 15 year old kid and you're talking like your older brother, you talking like shit, you see me? Yeah. But then for that to push back in Miss Taylor would fuck good you know what I mean you like a 15 year old kid and you're talking like your older brother You talking like shit you see me but then for that to push back in Miss Taylor be like She's I do fuck good school. I do fuck good real good. Yeah, and you're like yeah, I'll just come I'm just be coming. I just like fuck. I'm losing it if you fuck your teacher. Please call it on Monday Please just because that instant moment where it gets real Guys angles, but you know what I mean?

Like that's gotta be a thing where right as it happens, you're like, oh, this is getting real. Like when they're like, so do you want to fuck? And you're like, good. Hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM East on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the SiriusXM app.

Be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire at SXM. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.