The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - "You Tell 'Em Honey" (w/ Matt Braunger)

Episode Date: October 7, 2019

 Jay’s Mom and Mom-Mom call in to defend their sweet Jewish boy. Matt Braunger talks to Dan & Jay about what tv auditions do to your self-esteem & Dan helps Jay voice audition for the role of Piglet.

You're listening to Comedy Central! BAM! Hey, I'm Big J. Operson. And I'm Dan Soder, and you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire live every Monday through Thursday from 6th 8PM on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM 95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire at sex.

Hey, it's Blackleud and welcome to the Bond Fire's Best of the Week. It was a rough day for Big J. Ocarson. After two recent articles labeled him one of the new faces of alt-right comedy, the Bond Fire host decided it was time to let the people who knew him best talk on his behalf. Listen to now as Jay's mom and mom, mom call into defend their sweet Jewish boy. Behind every sensitive Jewish boy, yes, has to be sweet Jewish boy. Sweet Jewish boy. Behind everyone is, of course, the Jewish mother and Jewish grandmother. And mine, the Rosenberg ladies, the lady Rosenbergs we currently have right now on the phone mom mommy are you there?

I am there my sweet boy Thank you for being here. Thanks for calling in mommy the people are saying such mean things about me on on the internet On the worldwide world on the worldwide world. How dare they beat to my baby boy like that. Mama, your precious cargo is being yelled at on the internet. Well, there are a lot of ignorant people around darling. Thank you, Mama. And you don't even know you.

I know you. I helped raise you. And you do not have an ignorant phone in that body of yours. Thank you. You would help anybody that needs help. No one has that as well as your mom-mom because I certainly had a big help in helping raise you too while your mom was working. No, no one does me. I know you very well. You're here. My mom hang on a second. Dan, one stays to you question.

I just want to say, mom, mom, hi, I'm Dan. I'm Jay's radio partner. Big fan of the work you've done. Love the man you helped me. I have a question. How much, how can this media get it so wrong about a boy that I know to be such a lovely boy that enjoys stuff like west side story because they're ignorant

they are ignorant they don't know any better exactly so that we ought to go and pray for forgiveness all of them they should right especially on the day of russia shana the the jewish new year right especially the harata chanatoga chanatoga jayne on them they are the ignorant stupid one

exactly and we shall all dip our hola bread into honey signifying the sweet new year and you don't get russia shonda you don't want to get momma

momma's older now but you don't want to get momma momma's in berg you don't want to get momma's in berg to get mom mom Rosenberg. You don't want to get mom Rosenberg upset because she'll I so I saw I saw my mom scrap once and she's one of no in this case eyes. Your heart is so big. You would help anybody.

He would anyone you always did you always will and they are nothing but a bunch of ignorance people that ought to go and ask for forgiveness. Right. They have how much how much I would help blacks if they needed it. You will help anyone. Anyone. They're what they look like if they had green purple hair. I know I will please you. I know you know you they are they are very stupid and ignorant and the same boy who walked around the house singing westside story songs that's right that's right and i know you

and i may be old but i have a good mind you know i know my chasing. What's the song I used to sing? What's the song I used to sing for people? In his big body, not a main phone, not a press. They're all about getting one so. She's not brand. She's not brand.

You see, my guy is a big old mama. I was a young performer. Tell him the song I would sing, mama. That's right. What was the song that I would sing? That was the song i would sing mom on that's right what was the song that i would sing the baloney song that's right my baloney as a first name that's right and sing this one with me real quick who makes the best best

meatballs in the whole wide world I love grandma classics. I like a good grandma classic song. Yeah, my grandma and I have the classic cuz it's two weeks away. People of all colors were always allowed in our home just different waterfowl that's right they just had to use different sinks now Terry everybody loves Jason yeah now take every one love to you even when you were little exactly now Terry when Jay didn't Jay used to do even didn't Jay used to do some modeling when you have like tuxedo modeling

he certainly did uh... runway and he was a skew was a cutist to be and a runway model and runway model mom and mom and this is my face

uh... when did you first know that jason was funny from the time he was little uh... that Jason was funny. From the time he was little, he owe him a good sense of humor. Always. And he always was the kindest, sweetest person and he still is. Does that sound like a monster to you, Seth Simons? I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, know, I know, I know, know, I know, I know, know, I know, know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, know, I not see they called you a not see they called you a good not to be a not see what I'm Jewish on a high holiday they want to go and say prayers for themselves because they're the ones who are the not see yeah they don't even know what not see is probably they're that ignorant

that's right says sorry I'm a do you ignore not see yeah you're going after a nice Jewish boy that knows all the songs of west-side story and loves to sing all songs for his mom mom and play fast and loose with that word right having our people been persecuted enough that we don't need this coming down right now you said it honey you said it because you're smart you're wise and you're good through and they are the ones who don't go to and pray for themselves It's around up. It's like pulling 1940 tell them what your brother did in World War two He fought he fought then he didn't he liberate? Didn't he go and liberate some family members in France?

Yes, he did yes, he did. Yeah, yes, that's Poland. That's our background in Poland. I didn't know you're now They tell me I can't make black jokes We've earned it here. Also, I can't just Quick-side note real quick didn't know you had Polish blood. That's gonna change a lot of comments We're moving forward. I digress I just want to say by tomorrow I will be We're gonna post I'm gonna start making Polish jokes at you all That being said let's move forward

start making Polish jokes at you. That means that let's move forward. Okay. They don't tell us your friends between what a joke is. They don't even know the difference. Exactly. They're just coming after him saying they think that all of Jason's words are mean and not trying to make people laugh and smile. And that's all the Jason that he's such a sweet boy. He's such a sweet boy. He just wants to make people smile. That's right. That's right. I'm performing. I'm taking my performance to the borscht belt No more this dude. I'm telling you I know you from the time you were little is this what you guys? Is this what the media is this what you wanted a fired up mom mom because you got one why people were out there

Performing racism acts of racism. I was doing puzzles in the basement and playing with my men. I love my guys. What you were doing, I should know and your mom still has a good mind. I have a short mind, I may be old, but I know my children. And none of us ever had a prejudice phone to have could you. How could you till how could you have to have to do

so many bones in this big body and none of them prejudice none of them not one that's right there are that's right it amounted i've got bones in the world they want to go pray for themselves you're so ignorant well i love you so much mom shanatova shanatova shanatova right your show ignorant. Well, I love you so much, mom. Sean a tova. Sean a tova.

A shot of tova. Right. Mom, I know what you're doing. Mom's sharpened her knife. She's ready to go after people. I would but I'd like to see them. Well, so stupid. You know, tell me remember seeing your mom's scraps. I do remember that mom. The Philly came out of you that day.

Hey, Terry, we know about that you're one and oh fuck yeah you're in the hall of fame. I'll tell you this says Simon's look out you got two Jewish ladies look cruising for your ass. I know my children and I know you like any of how ignorant how stupid they are. You think you're so tough Seth Sarman come fight my mom and grandma watch come get a piece Mo Dean style two on one two on one. I think my mom's one and zero. Yeah. Yeah Nobody's gonna lie it's about my grandson. Yeah, nobody's gonna lie because I know him since he's a baby And he he would help anyone he wouldn't care what they look like or what color they were.

Long as they're from America. Yeah. Gotta put a limit on it somewhere. That's right. Yes, long as they're a man and from America. And born before the year 2000. No, mom, mom, I love you so much and mom, I love you so much. Thank you so much for calling the show and straightening this all out.

Yes, please, play my Jewish music. Thank you, ladies. Shenatovo, Shenatovo, so I love you. I love you. I'll see you all at my adult bar mitzvah. Thank you. That's right. I love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you. On Tuesday's show, Matt Bronger was our guest and had a great conversation with the Bonfire host about their experiences on TV auditions and the toll they take on your self-esteem. I've only auditioned for one like episodic thing I guess I got ever as S for you once and I wanted it so bad. I love the cocaine. Are you playing a rapist? No, it was gonna be like a like a shitty you know something question A. I was gonna be a landlord in some building.

A lot of it. I then you see the guy they go with, it was like they're always probably much better than I would have been. Yeah. Made him, but I said this before, you auditioning for SVU was the craziest waiting room I've ever been in because

it's just guys were there kind of like me coming in for the role of this this landlord and the girl who Get's killed I guess who is like a Stripper of some sort or something in it. So it's barely dudes in hot chicks all gets raped or whatever No, and it was a smoke on our chicks who come dressed for the part and then they go in and The doors right next to where we're all sitting and you see him go they go hey it's nice to meet you we're going to Cassie Johnson or whatever yeah then they walk in and they go hi it's nice to meet you it's nice to meet you too because okay okay come in the door closing and you're like no no no no no

no get your hands off of me please no no no no, no, the door back open and it goes thank you. That was fantastic Make sure you say hi to Clarissa for me Seen her and forever, you know the kind of know the cast They go and they go, oh my god, it was your dog do you have pictures? I hope he gets better. I hope so sorry I'm gonna shut the door and go you're Yeah, you're waiting me in my asshole no exaggeration then even shut the door and go you're waiting me You're waiting me in my ass. Oh, no exaggeration. They open the door anyway Well, I get wasn't exaggeration. They did not say you're raping me in my ass Well, they need to write better dialogue for those women. I

Guys they when we could free up the language You the podcast They'll be only on audible when that comes out, it'll be the least saying that. Only unaudible. S-B-U-Pocket. But I was such a bizarre, and they all come dressed like decked alley hookers or strippers to get so weird. I just should have been my clothes.

I picture you dressed a lot like me this guy. Yeah. I picture a guy that has a lot of similar clean laundry. I dress like a shitty landlord, I realize. Yeah, he shouldn't have been in bathroom. I go, why broke, why break something, it's not broken, you know what I mean? You go, can you please address me as the landlord?

I came dressed. I do miss kind of being in a room full of people like for some random commercial and the guy comes dressed to exactly like the person and then we all laugh at him. Like, I'm sorry man, I can't, you dress just like a black Jack dealer. Where's that outfit from?

To the fuck. Exactly or a monical. Somewhere in a monical. What'd you get that? There's one where a guy walked in and full ol' large scrubs. No, there's close to play like an orderly and he came in an large scrubs and you're like, what are you doing dude? That person, I mean you want to really, that's the adult version of wanting a, you want a bullion.

You want to hang them in a locker? Yes, that's exactly it. When he comes out, d out like that, you go, oh, did you do your homework? I'm telling you, a guy walked in with full black Jack dealer regalia. Well, it's a period period. And we just started laughing and I'm like, man, I can't help but laugh. You know what you should have done?

You should have gone like this right, you walks in, you should have gone. Clap, clap. Up and down. Yeah. And for that reason, I'm out. And that's it. Thank you guys very much. I've been Matt. Just guys dealers. Just guys Aaron. Just guys a fucking dork. And I'll see you guys out. And that's it. Thank you guys very much. I've been Matt, the Sky's dealers, the Sky's Aaron, the fucking Dork,

and I'll see you guys later. Scott the Pit Boss, wanna catch me out? The company goes, well this is a period piece vampire film is why don't have any ruffles and velvet suits at home. Oh cool, that you have something from the gilded age. One of the first times I went in for a commercial I walked in and this is a really attractive woman with a clipboard and I was like, yeah,

I'm here with auditions, is it what's your name? And I was like, Matt wrong, she goes, oh yeah, Is it what's your name? And I was like, Matt wrong. She goes, oh yeah, let me look. You're here for the role of unattractive man. Yeah. And it was just broke my heart, but then I just laughed my ass off. And then it became the best hour of my life watching every other guy walk in and get told that.

Tell the same thing. And seeing the different reactions. Yeah. I've really, I said I won't go out for auditions anymore that when you read them it's like Slavinly but sweet Yeah, it's always somebody like this, sweaty gross, it has tits, can't get laid But a heart of gold

Like if a fart had skin What is that? I don't know what that means What do you mean if a fart had skin? A forgotten ghost of a sack of shit, but nice Yeah If a turd had a soul. Yeah, what is that? This guy. I'm sorry, what does that mean?

If a bloody dog dump had eyes, and you go, what's up? And you go, yeah, I don't think I want to read for this. And then your manager goes, like, well, they asked for you specifically. Well, they kind of hurt you more. Well, I think we had you in mind. It's all of that that we said, and at the end, you know, a big J. O'Kristen type. Like, if that's at the end of all that shit,

fuck you guys. How many stories do you have? No, I know Ben Bailey, like one or two already lang, I think just told us one on Lee Just Ganks, he had a day about someone going and not getting a role that in the description says, is a type of them. That happens all the time.

Yeah. I know two people who've had to audition for to play themselves. Crazy. And, and people who've had auditioned to play themselves. Crazy. And, uh, and then I did for a crushing. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

It was auditioning to play myself. And I mean, I got it, but it was more funny was the people who didn't. Like, like, Rear Barnes, I think sort of plays Kurt. I think it was. Yeah. It was funny. And someone is Joe DeRosa.

I love the cocaine. Iosa. I love the cocaine. No, I love the cocaine. Ever since I Was gonna audition for something that was like you're taking my show I took you know, I told you the story a thousand times being shirtless and painted green For a halls commercial that never came out And I just got sunburned in the in the giant S that was in my own skin color and being painted green. And shirtless all day outside sweating fat. How much is that? How come is that money though?

Session fee. Never air. Yeah, I have $300 some bucks. And the guys, the actors that were on the thing also, were like, you're about to have the best year of your life. And I'm like, why? It goes, this is like a campaign that keeps running. It goes, this might be a super bowl commercial for all we know. We have no idea.

It's a football themed thing and you're getting gooseed up and you go, dude, I did the one last year. $48,000 by the end of the month. No, no, I, but it was like, like that, but he was like, you have a good year. These are actors who aren't making a lot of money. So he goes, I made 70 last year off of this commercial. Like 70, which was like, if you tell me also on top of what I'm making, which is little to nothing,

if I'm making $30,000 in comedy, maybe, and you're telling me, 70, I'm going to $100,000, you know, it would have been huge, dude. Joe, then it never aired, and I just got that sunburn. Yeah. Joe listed a Captain Morgan's commercial, and when he got it, we were all like, you're buying drinks for the next five years,

and they're like during the world baseball class. I like once. Yeah. Just come on, what was the one you had? There's a progressive insurance ad or something. One of the big ones, like prudential or something, and I was on top of a crushed car on like crutches, dancing around with like bandages on my head. And it was, and it was on top of a crushed car on like crutches dancing around with like I like bandages on my head and it was and it was

What the fuck with the sports announcer god damn Chris Burman though the one with with I'm blanking. He has white hair Pat some roll Yes, I think Paul announcer yes, Pat summer. Okay. I think so John Madden or Pat some role wasn't John Madden Yes. Pet Summer Roll, okay, for sure. I think so. John Madden or Pet Summer Roll? Wasn't John Madden.

That's a Pet Summer Roll. But, and then I was like, okay, great, we got to celebrity everything, but they focused group it, and it's like, hmm, he's injured and he's dancing, I don't like it. It makes me feel weird. And they just, I just got a letter in the mail that a little never air.

I was like, I thought it was that. I was like, had a famous guy, you know, as a campaign, they're gonna run us on. You're gonna run us on. Cancel culture, man. That was a good cancel, dude. Out of the tiny level. The woke people came out. They're like, no, I don't like his dancing. I twisted my ankle once and I wouldn't dance.

No matter how many times they ask, it was my own wedding. So I would know. I said, I was sad. I'm offended. When I heard my ankle, I was sad. I was not dancing. I did not see myself represented as a sad person. I did not clothe on top of a broken car. Hey, it's back. Lou again on Wednesday's show, Dan Soto revealed that he might be reaching a turning point in life. Is the 36 year old comic to old for wrestling t-shirts or is he just young and hard?

I'm wearing a wrestling t-shirt today, but I'm starting to get to the point where I'm like, when can I wear wrestling shirts at home? Well, I'm at home cleaning. You know what I mean? Because I think I'm starting to get to the stage where I can't, when can I wear wrestling shirts? At home, while I'm at home, cleaning, you know what I mean? Cause I think I'm starting to get to the stage where I can't wear them four out of seven days. I'm 36. Yeah. You see what I'm saying?

Where? So I'm starting to try to find the balance. I'm trying to bring in a lot less logoed shirts, but I still like those shirts. So what is the balance? Black loot. What do you think? Your t-shirt game is unrivaled.

You and Sal have the best t-shirt games that I know. I won't have it anymore. The wife yelled at me. Yeah, she was like, oh, I guess I'll just marry the guy that wears a novelty shirt all the time. And you know what, that's the, that's the, that's a fucking, that's a new thing to say. Because she knows novelty makes you feel like

you're fucking going to Spencer's yeah, like the skip intro It's clever. It's a clever fucking shirt skip intro. You even commented how great of a shirt it is great shirt great shirt I Jacob's loving this because Jacob's a logoless guy you live in a logoless life and you're just looking at us like Right in your life whatever you want Lou in your life, whatever you want. Lou, in your life of work, you can wear that black, you know, and white Lou, you can wear bonfire shoes. That's kind of what I'm saying.

You're supposed to put also an entertainment, you're gonna stay a little forever young. But I'm saying, what's the adjust really pissed off? If you have, if you're significant other is civilian, just out there not in the world of entertainment, they're gonna age quicker than you, and they're gonna get a little angry that you're not aging like that. Age like me.

Age true. That was something that very much can happen to you. What is... Have you ever met a comic's wife, like an older comic's wife, who you think is like a fun wacky? You've seen him still getting hammered maybe as an older guy and then you meet their wife and you're like, oh dude, like this. Check has no, I thought you were interested in me as his mother.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Or, or they're divorced and with someone significantly younger, and whatever. Sick. I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, just like looking at the future and you're like, yeah, no, I've seen that a lot.

And like everything you just said is very honest because you're like, fuck. If it makes sense to feel better, at a moment, today where I was walking to work and I kind of caught myself in a window and I was like, I've just been wearing tank tops,

jeans and hoodies for the last 20 years. Like I thought by 34, I'd have like a whole style, nope. Yeah. That was part of the thing of dating the wealthy girl. I remember that. She would like dress me up. I remember I got dating with you

and you I walked in and you're like, what are you wearing? What the fuck is that? I was like, I'm a nice boy now. I wear shirts that are tucked in. I enjoy crossword puzzles in the morning, and missionary sex. I am a man.

I am grown up man. grown up man. I think sweaters are rational in the fall. I do find it interesting. I pointed out in a lot of showsup man. You do. I think sweaters are rational in the fall. I do find it interesting. I pointed out in a lot of shows, man. Somebody wearing like khakis on a Saturday and like a button down shirt under a sweater. Like, yeah, it's crazy. That was your thing to go out like on your, on your, all right.

But I mean, I wear jeans. Like a sat, in my mind, you're like, it's, it's your day off. Again, I don't correlate day off also with to the day you have to jam out and like keep a woman happy with like taking your ass off like that. I don't correlate day off also with today you have to jam out and keep a woman happy with taking your ass off like that. I don't see the world like that. So if it makes sense Saturday, if I was off on a Saturday, I'd probably come to the show and sweat pants. You know what? We both are in entertainment. So the people that you see live different lives. You had Isabella when you were young, you were a comic, Carla was going to law school all that shit.

I have friends that had kids now at the appropriate time and through the appropriate life. And it's weird watching them turn into adults, you know? Like slowly, you're like, no, it's like the Marty McFly picture, like they're fading and you're like, that's like what are you doing? And it's all when they start,

when they start really compassionately talking about Lulu lemon pants. Yeah. You know, have you heard that black? No, I'm serious, man. These things are like comfortable. You could wear them on planes, they look like slacks,

and you're like, I would feel like Jim Harbong on those things. Well, Christine's history, it's probably got a beat bizarre for that kind of thing too. So it was like, oh, the town bicycle's now, oh, she's like, runs a... Dude, how funny is that? She runs a youth hostel.

Did I use to work? I mean, they're always like, they become like great adults. She's like front of dude. How funny is that she runs a she runs a youth house I mean they're always like to become like a great adult my friends have all become really great adults Crazy when you watch this these feral humans you were friends with and like no way watching me Like I fucking drank a natural light before I went to the OBGYN because they have a cyst that bursted in my She's like this is Connor, he's my little angel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what the fuck? Remember when you blew that guy in Walmart? Hello everyone, I'm DJ Liu,

and on this week's Lost Tapes, Dan Helps J Audition for Winnie the Pooh is the clip. Oh dude, I'm kind of, I'm kind of shitting a bunch of campers tweeted at me, South Park's looking for a Winnie the poo imitator Really? Yeah for an episode coming up That's awesome my manager and agent were like we're already submitted you I was like tell them all whack them off to get on that show

What hilarious thing to be looking for that is piglet sound see if I could do it You're really truly remembered pretty good. You really truly do. That's it. You little piglet? Ouch! You're just a giant piece of ham. No! Have you ever... Don't say that.

Look at it. No! Look you're making it grow, piglet. Ouch! Did you know you could make it grow? You're hurting me! I need an adult! A silly old bear!

I need an adult! You don't want to leave me with an erection, do you? No, no! No, no! I don't want any trouble! Just touch it! You're making it grow! All right, I'm testing it!

Look, please! Look! Can I please me? No! This is how I Louisie came! What do you want me to do? Do you want a career? Do you want a career?

I'm... Watch me, watch me make yeah. Watch me make honey. Okay. Watch me make honey. Okay. Watch me make it. Watch me, I'm gonna pull up my shirt. I'm such a fucking naughty bit.

Get my lips on. No, you do this to me. No. I'm sorry. No, you do this to me. You make me feel like this. Please. I'm gonna finish.

Oh, scullabrum! Oh, I'm put- Oh! Oh! Oh, silly old bell. Summaryating! Think Summaryating! Alright, let me clean up.

Do you want an Uber? Yes! I think Uber's downstairs. It was a lot of fun hanging out. Can I use a napkin? These tissues are falling apart. Oh my god, look at you. You've got dandruff all over you. That was a napkin. That was a napkin. Oh, I'm a different person now.

So, I got the part. I will be in touch with your agent. Alright, well, let's hope that Jane I can go out and stuff. Well, I just, I say bag that up and send it off. I say fucking snip cut and set. Send it to South Park. Tran Matt, your move. Ball in your court.

Hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM East on Comedy Central Radio. Serious XM 95 or on demand on the Serious XM app. Be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire at SXM.