The Bugle - 4160 - Worms Around The Moon

Episode Date: July 25, 2020

Andy is with Anuvab Pal and Alice Fraser to look at Chinese and Russian influence and Indian weddings. Support what we do by making a one off or monthly donation here: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donate. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen!We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserAnuvab PalAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Ross Ramsey-Golding. FUB. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bueglers and welcome to issue 4,160 of the Buegl. Audio newspaper for a world that doesn't really know if it's visual anymore. It's frankly got no idea what it is and to be honest, I and his ultimate,

I'm not entirely sure if it is. But does this world, it is very hard to tell if anything exists now. This is partly because there is nothing about our world-renowned planet at the moment that suggests that anything genuinely believable, anything genuinely believable, is actually incredibly happening, and partly because I'm recording this at Old Trafford Cricket Ground, where from tomorrow morning, I will be watching my

11th to 15th days of international cricket in an empty stadium out of the past 17 to 21 days of my life in my parallel existence as a cricket stature. To be honest, at the moment, A, ignore it if reality as a concept even exists, and B, that is nowhere near a high enough proportion of days watching cricket to help me get through the planet at the moment. Reluctantly therefore, Bughlers. For you, I will do my best to make sense of the rest of the world outside the cricket bubble. And to help me in this melodious task, I'm joined from India by Anuvaab Pal and from Australia.

Nothing can phaser, it's Alice Fraser. Hello Andy, hello Bughlers. Hello Andy. Hello, but both of you, How are your bits of the world? And of them. Well, you know, a couple of things. You know, we are trying a unique medical strategy because you know, we are on the forefront of world medicine. So we're trying this unique strategy with coronavirus cases, having hit a million and a half in India and that strategy is called giving up being employed elsewhere. And also, you know, we're in the middle of the monsoons and the monsoons

is a time in India where our well-known diseases show up, malaria, tango. This year, both these diseases are quite upset because they've been upstaged by another one. So, malaria and dengue are really fighting for their pride of place because they've been with us for 20, 30, 50 years and they're feeling ignored and I feel bad for malaria and dengue because they usually fill our hospitals in July and now they're not and they're not happy about that. You may have noticed there was a little bit of a blockage Andy there between Anna Verbeni, whether we who should speak first, of course, as part of modern politics because I'm not sure if I'm oppressing him as a white woman or if he's oppressing me as a man, so we're both leaning too far.

Well, I just like to be cancelled. I just like to say, I am the winner in both of those contests. So, do what the fuck I say. Um, correct, correct. Also because this is a little known fact, Andy, that you also are an Indian man and an Australian woman. Why have it been a cremish-critic commentator? So.

I, I, I, I, you might be right. I just, I just don't know, but to be honest, I don't know, but I wasn't expecting this, this show to become a Dengue rights, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, week, I will a couple of sections in the bin, self-help books. Now in lockdown, we're all looking for ways of improving ourselves and as a free view will give away, we are allowing you to choose one of eight free self-help books by the influential political and corporate self-help writers, Harpenden Clark and our Nelia Strigen. Much loved by the rich and powerful people who shape our world today.

So you can choose one of their best-selling titles. Who are you trying to kid? How to tell the right lies to the right people. Shoot first, avoid questions later, how to slash the tires on the wheels of justice. That's a follow-up to the the happy goldfish. The pessimism projectile, how spreading gloom can make your failure seem like success. Drowning the rhino, how to clear the last obstacles to your personal goals. The baby in the bath water, why making the right decision matters less than being seen to look like you're making a big decision.

The wisdom of the parrot, copying the originality of others and 15 other shortcuts to one earn success. Sharpening the finger, how to deflect blame and implicate others. And possibly their greatest work, don't shit in the kitchen if you don't earn a puppy the art of ensuring someone else will take you all flat. Also when there been this week a hobby's section now we've all taken up new hobbies during during lockdown some people have taken

to a building models like we used to as kids and to help you with this we've got a construct your own audio replica of HMS Victory Horatio Nelson's famous flagship. And to start your sound warship, here is a creaking mast. Next week for main sail you'll have a full audio HMS victory by Christmas. And the third section in the bin this week is the chin. We start a series of fond looks back at the facial features that we are all section in the bin this week is the chin. We start a series of fond looks back at the facial features that we are all missing in the era of the mask as we adapt to the temporarily tolerable abnormal. This week the chin over the next few weeks, the cheek, the mouth, the nose, the septum, the dimple, the scraping the barrel

a bit here, the little bit under the bottom lip. All those sections in the bin. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B- But also, how tense are you? Now, I don't know how tense you've been feeling recently, but you've been, I think this year, more tense than I've ever been on a broad scale. If you add up all the tension that I felt this year, it's probably already surpassed pretty much any other year. I mean, this has been prompted by things such as everything we know and love haven't been upheave by cruel fate and all the governmental free eyes in competence, in transigence, inertia and inexplicably inexcusable innumeracy. Anu Vabudu in India, which is not traditionally one of the lowest strung nations in terms

of tension and re-exlation, how tense are you? You know, I'm going to start with a personal anecdote. I haven't been sleeping properly. And there is a video going around where you can get good sleep if you listen to an audiobook read out by Indian cricket fastballer, retired fastballer, Kapil Dev. And I tried listening to it and I couldn't sleep for two days. Do not how helpful it is, I do not know. But yeah, I mean, we're fine. We're fine. We're much better off than other countries because we're bordered with China. And as we all know China is a

very protective loving transparent nation and they won't allow anything to happen to India and the way they show their love is by taking over certain parts of our territory and quote unquote looking after it so you know again I think we have a lot less to worry about and if more of our retired fast-p do get to sleep videos, I'll be fine, I'll be fine, I'll be okay. I'm sure you'd expect Javagal's greenhouse to muscle into that market with maybe read a classic Dickenshort story or something, we just don't know.

So Bughlers, I'll leave it for you to judge whether you personally are more tense as tense or less tense than our old friend, the planet as a whole or to give it its acronym to POW and well the set of cards to POW has been dealt. Well it certainly has China in its hand and that is not, that's one for fans of 80s pop music and that is not an easy card to play. Alice you are our global geopolitical tension correspondent. I'll bring us up to today with the latest China russians. Well, the US is booting China out, which is to say the US has ordered China to close its consulate in Houston, Texas, by Friday, which is being described as political provocation by people in Beijing.

The US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said that the decision was taken because China was stealing intellectual property, and then China replied by using its Chinese diplomat Mr. Ike Pompeii to reply, you're stealing intellectual property. Earlier in the day, before the consulate shut down, unidentified individuals were filmed burning paper and bins in the Houston buildings courtyard, to which I say, come on, if the Chinese who invented paper and also invented sneakily connecting data on people can't burn their secret data paper in bin fires who can. Exactly, can I just ask you know the Americans are giving the Chinese a very hard time for burning pieces of paper secretly.

Unnotable citizens in the history of the world have done it. In fact, if you look at a town called a Butterbird in Pakistan, a gentleman called Osama bin Laden was also burning some documents. And it's been done for years before he was discovered. So, why is discrimination? I don't understand. Well, it's a particularly tense situation because on one hand Trump's anti-Chinese stance has involved stoking racist anti-Chinese sentiments, which is undeserved and unwarranted. The Chinese government isn't stealing data or arresting journalists in a silly, abusing weager people in concentration camps and selling their hair on the open market because of

their Chinese. They're doing it because they're f*****s. And if intersectional feminism has taught us nothing else, it's that f***ing can be any color. LAUGHTER Yeah, and it is, I mean, it's for China, as a queues America of political provocation, which is like a carrot complaining about a road cone being orange and pointy.

And... LAUGHTER I guess the difference is China tends to do its political provocation rather more subtly than just chucking out, you know, closing down a consulate and chucking out diplomats. I mean, China tends to use tactics such as inextricably weaving itself into the infrastructure and social fabric of other countries over several decades into it. By the time people start to think, hang on, was it a really good idea to sell off our national vital organs to an unaccountable global superpower? Damn it we should have sold them off to unaccountable global businesses

and said school boy area. It's all too late and we've forgotten the reason we started the process anyway very much like the sentence which began 94 words ago set 97 now of course in fact passed 100 now we had no choice but to keep the sentence going for as long as possible in the hope that some sense starts to emerge and so can someone please interrupt me? No. No that but it is an absolutely accurate observation and he said over in the three and a half minute sentence. In India, for example, you know, when the... That's my brand. I've been having to learn entirely new skills doing the cricket coverage. I basically have sort of 30 seconds in between balls to get across a fact. And keeping things out of 30 seconds and having truth in it and not skills

that I've honed over the years. It's a tricky combination. I mean, you know, like for example, recently when the Chinese you know decided they wanted to take care of a couple of Indian provinces, the Indians responded by communicating with each other, the Indian Defence Forces on Chinese telephones over a Chinese network. So, you know, that was always a sensible thing to do because we forgot that we let them in 30 years ago to build all that for us. Sadly, my sentence was about six seconds long. That is traditionally called an own goal, but in the modern times it's called an owned goal The Chinese foreign mystery is condemned to move on Twitter would you believe and has said that its embassy in Washington has received

death threats I mean come on come on China. It's a social media Death threat. I mean that death threat is just the 21 Charlotte. It's a social media death threat. I mean, that death threat is just the 21st century social media recouvelin of the old, how do you do? It's just a meaningless conversational icebreaker that doesn't actually require a response. An incidentally, Bouglass never tried to answer the question, how do you do?

It cannot possibly end well. Apparently, Mike Pompeo has gotten instant trouble because he's been taking his dog for a walk and his dog is called poor poor bear uh... but who is apparently the derogatory appellation leveled at president she by his political enemies in china so uh... he's very offended by being associated with a dog because that's a very offensive thing that china to be associated with a dog

uh... who's called who which is also your name oh no wait till someone tells him what we call a shit. I think this is one of the great benefits of the Chinese firewall that certain things come to them late, like Twitter trolls. Like, whatever is going on in social media is going to hit them now. I'm not sure. Meanwhile, the UK government is preparing to blatantly ignore the belated report that the UK government blatantly ignored Kremlin interference in both the Scottish independence referendum

and Brexit, which is a worrying situation. Apparently Stuart Hosey, who's a Scottish national party MP, said the report reveals that no one in government knew if Russia interfered in or sought in to influence the referendum because they did not want to know which the u.k. government said la la la i'm not listening i know you are but what are my did dobs the last one is a fake news egg no take back these times infinity plus one the uh... it's quite exploring this report has been delayed for for nine months as we talked about recently on uh...

uh... on the beautiful and it was unable to establish whether or not Russia had attempted to influence the Brexit vote, because the government quotes actively avoided looking for evidence for that Russian interference. I guess, as the old saying goes, you can't be eaten by a crocodile if you shut your eyes and drape a towel over your face while sunbathing on the riverbank. This is yet another example of British politics using a Photoshop selfie as a mirror. See also Exhibit 1, how we view our own history and exhibit two statues that have ended up in harbours recently.

And downing streets, the reports at Downing Street showed a quote, lack of curiosity over potential Russian meddling. Now, some things I can understand people not having curiosity about, you know, the dimple patterns on golf balls, how many worms it would take to make a belt of worms for the moon, the military ambitions of Luxembourg, and why so few songs have been written about lettuce. But where the rusher. Oh, whoa, Andy, how many worms would it take to make a belt around the room? Well, I'm not saying it's not interesting. I'm just saying I can understand if people don't give a shit. However Where the Russia might have tried to treat your democracy like Jim Henson used to treat frogs. I would say that's worth a look. Definitely worth a look

You know, I have a question Alice and the English is my is my second language, and I often struggle with your English. It's your second language of about 12. Correct, correct, correct. It's my 211st language that I'm speaking in Britain. English is for most of us. It's our second language out of one. So the word meddling, I was looking at the definition of the word meddling, you know, I was looking at the definition of the word meddling and would

you say, you know, it loosely describes this as interfering. Now, if two murderers show... They're doing something really well either first, second, best or third best. If two people show up as murderers and go to a place called Salt Spree and poison people, would that be regarded as slightly interfering into the lower north of another country? Would that be considered? I know British subtleties are thing which I'm unfamiliar with, but would that constitute as slight meddling? Well, I couldn't possibly answer that, Anuva, because I was deliberately not listening to your question.

And that's the easiest way to deal with it. We've just summarised that report, exactly. Exactly. The lack of curiosity into obvious flaws and weaknesses in our political and economic structures and our current society and the history that shaped it is a fundamental core British value, which explains, for example, our politics, economic society and our current society and the history that shaped it is a fundamental core British value which explains for example our politics, economic society and history. And as muddy waters, the great American bluesman said, you can't lose what you never had. And similarly, you can't answer a question that you actively chose not to ask.

But I have to have a hashtag, Andy. You have to have a hashtag, me too, for politics. You find that a hashtag makes people suddenly realize that they've been ignoring terrible misbehavior from generations. You know, I often think about this in the context of Empire. I think in legal cases, there is a stipulation, right? Like after 15, 20 years, there's a legal term that you can't try somebody because that stipulated time has passed.

And I figure with Empire, if enough time has passed and people say it didn't happen, it didn't happen. Yeah. Because if it's not on the school history curriculum, it cannot possibly be real. That is written in the Magna Carta. What? The report. I was in a pilot in how dodgy Russian oligarchs were not just welcomed into London,

but were then baked into the heart of society in a plutocracy pudding that will have inevitable digestive repercussions for our economy and society. But still, at least looking at the China and Russia stories, at least we've broken free of those pesky Europeans. They were the real threat with their parliament and shit like that. In completely unrelated news, a Mrs. Lubov-Chernukin, the wife of a former Russian finance minister and banker, has emerged as one of the largest donors in British political history. She's been reported as paying £1.7 million of the Conservative Party for things such

as dinner and or tennis with senior politicians. And if you, Bueglers, want to buy some or all of British democracy, please send in your bid and a 25-word explanation of why you want to subvert the democratic process to the Department for Under Mining National Security and Independence, Westminster London. They might take a little while to get back to you. They've got to work through a lot of applications. Meanwhile in hostage news, a gunman in Ukraine armed with an automatic rifle in grenades surrendered to police and released his 13 hostages after the country's president agreed to recommend the 2005 film starring Joaquim Phoenix that was called Earthlings on a national platform, which I think is a

beautiful story. It is really nice to see a hostage situation turn out well for all involved, though I feel that I'm going to have to expand one of my many life mortos. I used to say, never trust a film recommendation someone saw on a plane or after a breakup. I're going to have to now add or during a hostage situation. Well fortunately all the hostages were released without injury following the film recommendation. The hostage take was a man, an animal rights activist called Maxim Krivosh. And the film Earthlings is an animal rights documentary narrated by Waking Phoenix. But they were apparently some very in-depth negotiations and Ukrainian President Zelensky asked if he could recommend another Wacken Phoenix film. He suggested a gladiator, but one of the hostages negotiators point out that everyone has seen gladiator already, so there wouldn't be any point. But negotiator then apologized and suggested

quilled instead. But Krivov said that the 2000 marquee, the Sard sort of biopic, wasn't really a family film and he didn't think I had a broad enough appeal for his demands. Zelensky said he'd seen the Dostoevsky adaptation to lovers that Phoenix starred and quite liked it, but Krivos said that he wasn't a fan of co-star Gwyneth Paltrow. Both agreed that they didn't see what the fuss about the joke was, and Krivos then went back to his initial recommendation for Earthlings, because, quote, let's not forget why we're here in the first place, it's about animal rights, not wacky and phoenix. So Lensky point blank refused to also recommend Krivos' musical recommendation, head above

water by Avril Lavigne, but said he would tweet a link to one of Lavigne's earlier albums and express regret that her relationship with some 41's Derek Wibbley had not lasted longer. So the deal was reached. So Lens posted a video that everyone should watch Earthlings, also by coincidence. Everyone should watch Earthlings is something that's been said mockingly by all aliens over the past four years. Now, Kreevost then gave himself up. The hostages were released in Zelensky with Drew his post, which does not equate to him saying that industrialized animal cruelty is fine with him. And then in Sicily does not do film requests.

And it was Eddie. Why can't all hostage crises be like that? I hesitate to tell someone who's holding people hostage to believe in themselves, but Sholeik could have reached higher than a film recommendation. Well, before this podcast, I had to do this. I saw, I've been watching this documentary. It's on YouTube. It's an excellent...

A film recommendation and a bus pass home. Sorry, Karyan. It's an excellent. A film recommendation and a bus pass home. Sorry, Karyan. Yeah, no. First of all, first of all, I think both those things are a good suggestion, right? Like if in when cinema's us are shot, you have to promote movie somehow. And I think Kidnap, Asin,ot are very good ways to promote films, you know, in the absence of just any sort of a son of a. And to be honest with you, I've been watching this and it's a really to a documentary. And I think if you can hold more world leaders at Ransom and Kidnap all people, I think more people would watch these sorts of documentaries.

I think this says more about documentary marketing than it does about anything else. And I think it's quite an achievement that you got hold of the negotiation transcripts and immediately translated from the Ukrainian for this audience. The testament to your Ukrainian live translation skills. But I really hope Warner Brothers and various other studios in Amazon take note from this. And, you know, in fact there was an excellent Indian Nature documentary made last year. And I'm hoping several of my friends hold Prime Minister Modi hostage and recommend that this film be shown tonight at 8 o'clock. Well, I mean, we're, Aniv, we made a, you know, a two-part sort of

comic documentary entitled Empyre Colleftons for a radio for. I thought, I mean, it's made me feel a bit bad that this has never been used in in Hostage Negotiations and makes me think that maybe we didn't make a good enough show. This is the thing, sometimes, you know, when you force people to want something, a could backfire. So, you know, we might end up with fewer listeners than we started out, Andy. Well, I have to say, I am very bad at publicizing my own work, and I have been known to say, who do I have to kill to get a webpage news story?

In terms of, I don't have to kill anyone. I just have to threaten to kill 13 people. I was looking up old studio advertising from the 1940s when Hollywood started making talking pictures and one of the ads they put up is would you watch this movie at gunpoint? I think that's being tested now. In other Britain news a committee of MPs has described the government's failure to plan in advance for the possibility of a pandemic as astonishing in a report that paints the

Johnson-Junters' response to the virus as, quote, worse than a particularly shit student improv troupe, if I may paraphrase slightly. Oh no, hang on, it does actually say that word for word. The report goes on to recommend that the government tries to be, quote, less shit in future and stop being so fucking useless as soon as possible. The report suggested further changes to government procedure, including not being nakedly corrupt, giving at least half a shit about the future beyond the next general election, and trying to appoint cabinet ministers with some vague vestige of competence. Johnson claimed that Britain's continent leadingly useless response

to the Covid crisis proved, quotes, the sheer might of our union, very much putting the into shite. Well, you know, this huge controversy going on, the coronavirus almost forgotten because of this current crisis we're in, Netflix has launched a show about Indian matchmaking and it is sort of fueled a debate online and offline about the Indian arranged marriage culture. The show is about a matchmaker getting together various potential brides and grooms around the world and one side of the debate are basically independent Indian women who are saying that this is regressive

and old fashioned and another side by people are saying this is exactly how Indians get married but the dilemma I have is very specific. They follow four or five characters who are looking for a life partner and there is a matchmaker who has resumes and she matches resumes and then based on the resumes she sets up meetings and then they are free to decide if they want to be together. There is one particular character a lady in Houston, Texas of Indian origin, looking for a life partner.

She's a lawyer, she's 34. And here is my question for you because this has been keeping me up nights, no matter what couple day of reads to me. I haven't even had a sleep. Think is this. She has the following requirements in a man. She insists, of course, he has to be financially well off

and in a good job, but not a lawyer, because she's a lawyer. But here are her basic requirements. First, he cannot have a sense of humor. She said she's against comedy of any kind. And the second, which is the most interesting, I don't know what to do with you guys, I don't to this. The second is, she said that she is a world traveler and before the pandemic her next trip

was to see the salt plains of Bolivia. And if this prospective shooter did not know of Bolivia or had any interest in the salt plains of Bolivia, he's rejected. Now the trick is a suitor came along and this is where God really complicated. He had no sense of humor and he said that up front, he said, I'm not into comedy or hate comedians, so great. His second thing was, this was a really complicated man. He's an ideal mad Alice. Now he said, Alice Andy, that he had been to the Bolivian salt plains and he hated it. And now this lady's dilemma was,

is he still a travel enthusiast? If he's been there, or was he a travel enthusiast in the past? So India's going crazy because half of India is saying, well, that's like saying, such in Tendolka was a cricketer, but now he's just a guy that does baking powder ads on television. So who is he? And most of the people are saying, he's always a cricketer. So should this lady reject this man, accept this man because on paper, he fulfills oil the criteria

even though not necessarily the timeline. What do you guys think? Well, obviously the Bolivian saltplanes are right up there with the best saltplanes you can get. But, you know, does this guy just hate all saltplanes? Or does he hate this one specifically because it's in Bolivia, it's very hard to know who's decided to take on this. The one thing you know is that when he says that he doesn't like the Bolivian salt planes,

he's not joking. Very honest, exactly. Very trustworthy, very honest, and he said he despises humor, so he's not like about this. Does my think then, are the Bolivian salt planes incredibly funny? Is this why he hated them? But they are in fact the funniest salt planes that you can find. They're really funny, but the humor's very funny, but the humor's really dry. Yay! Oh, I think we can end this podcast now and for all time after that.

Yeah, and Alice, you can absolutely be friends with this lady in Houston because she said specifically, the thing I hate most in comedy is puns. So, in Indian wedding culture, weddings often take a huge amount of time, don't they? It can be weak, long, extravagant, is that right? No, I don't know, Andy. For my wedding, it was very intimate. It was my family, my wife family, and only a couple of thousand people, including my father's old house as best-star supplier. So, I mean, I don't don't know I mean people say they're

large-wedding but I didn't get to see that really. Right because you know it's not we're not really used to the weak long extravaganza of ostentatious success. I mean my own wedding was well it's been a 16-year-long extravaganza of unstoppable husbanding perfection so it's very different ways of going about things. Exactly. And it always feels good when the word intimate is defined differently in many cultures. I was invited to a telewedding and it

said an intimate gathering of 5,000 people. So I think it's really how you define people like Bentley, it's about definition, really. If I heard an intimate gathering of 5,000 people, I would immediately think 5,000 people with no trousers on. Actually, that reminds me. To make 5,000 intimate. Well, those sorts of weddings, I think, happen. I don't think they're called weddings, Alice.

I think they're different gathering. But this wasn't on the Netflix show, but I would love to know what you guys think of this. A recent trend has started, because, as you know, Indian weddings are lavish and extravagant and this matchmaking show leads to these extravagant weddings and they don't show the weddings on the show. But a trend that started in the last few years is not only extravagant weddings for 5,000 people in India, but also theme weddings.

A Delhi last year had the following themes at the wedding. A Mafia theme wedding. So the bride and a group side is first addressed as Baffir and this was my favorite the 1970s Indian emergency themed wedding. Where people dress like they were under a socialist emergency period and I was a treat, you know, but this is a private wedding of 47,000 people, so I wasn't shown any photographs. But I've been obsessing about wedding plan as they do themed weddings, so I hope Netflix's next show is about that.

Ludicrous Plutocracy News now, it was reported that Amazon Boss Jeff Bezos earned $10 billion on Monday, according to the Guardian newspaper, $10 billion in a day. Now that seems, I mean, that's a pretty tidy, daily rate. It's three times what I'm getting paid by the BBC for cricket statistics. And to put it in context, $10 billion in a day. That's enough to buy every single person in the world, a good-sized bag of carrots, or to buy a brand new two and a half million dollar Ferrari F60 America Supercar for every single medical professional in Malawi and have enough left over to buy them all a half a million

dollar Dodge Tomahawk Superbike as well. It's enough in a day to pay for two-thirds of an Olympics and an extravagant London style Olympics as well. Or you could buy a mid-range County Cricketer on a 125,000 year contract. Or you could buy a straw of decent quality bullsemen for every person in South America. Oh, you could build eight functioning replicas of the great pyramid of Giza. That's what he earned in a day, in a day. A $10 billion in a day is such an amount of money that is difficult to believe that the person who is earning that money isn't impacted in a moral way. I think you think he's a very good person or you think he's a very bad person but there's no way that $10 billion is

morally neutral. Also, I think that it sets new standards for what billionaire oligarchs should aim for because I think Elon Musk will look at that and say why not $10 billion in a minute? You know. We say for most people aim for the moon, but for billionaire oligarchs, they say, aim at the earth from the moon. With your laser. I don't know actually if you,

if you've got all those straws of bullseymour that's a technical term, a bit of bullseymour apparently in the bullseymour industry as my increasingly dubious internet search record would testify. I don't know if you laid them end to end whether that would reach the moon or not. I don't know. I love the bullseymour right in and it's warm belt. Yeah. I love the fact that Andy is still obsessed

of what to do with the 10 billion. That's the billion, it's the same. It could explain why we don't have 10 billion. It's because we do silly things with it. All around the cricket grounds that are being used for this biosecure cricket series, there are little graphics to try and show you how to how far you should be socially distancing and rather than just saying two meters, it's got graphics of cricket bats. You know you have to stay two and a bit cricket bat lengths apart from each other.

Right, wait, I need to know this. I need to know this. Are the cricket bats just in outline or are they filled with oil? Well, that's going back to even the Bugal history. The cricket bat full of oil is a universally acknowledged unit of measurements. But I was glad that it's been picked up on. But it's the only language I understand. And in beautiful, wonderful, lovely news, Captain Tom Moore is now Sir Captain.

Captain Sir Tom. Sir Captain Tom Sir Moore. He's more of a, he's more of a servant, he is a Captain now because he was knighted by the Queen in the first socially distanced knighting. So the Queen and Captain Tom more did a very socially responsible knighting when normally you would kneel down in front of the queen and she would tap you on each shoulder with a sword. In this instance, Tom and the queen stood on the top of a hill, silhouetted by the rising sun. So it looked like the queen was dubbing him on both shoulders, but actually, she was standing six feet to the left of him. And then they pretended to kiss. And then she turned around and made it look like someone was making out with her by rubbing

her own shoulders with her hands. I just described the shooting of every Bollywood movie during the film. Can I just say, I tried to walk around the garden and I give up after three and a half rounds. I think this deserves way more than a nighthood. I couldn't even walk half my each around the garden and I'm 44. I mean, it was a better solution than many of the other socially distanced knighting options, such as one of the ones that was on the table was the queen knighting him by spear. Can they not have scared her, you know, two-metre long sword?

That must be possible, isn't it? You'd have thought, you know, just r rub some antiseptic on it at the end. Come, and she's still benches 380, she could easily lift it to me, along so on. Sorry, when you said antiseptic on the end, I thought you meant esolubricant. So, I have to ask this question, I've wanted to ask it forever. Andy, were you to be ever knighted? Yes. I think about a lot. I know it comes up a lot, Andy. Would you want a sword or a cricket bat? Well, I mean, I don't think I'd like a sword.

There's something about people coming at me with sharp underblades, I've been slightly wary of since I was approximately eight days old. So yeah, I mean a cricket bat would be, I mean it's obviously something that I do, you know, when you're in my position as a podcaster and occasional pirate on radio, you do have to think about your own inevitable knighthood. Yes, yes. You know, so what, I don't know. I think it would be a shame. It always seems rather passive. It would be nice to sort of knight the queen back in recognition of everything that all the knightings. Yeah, but maybe with a... Just like when somebody says happy birthday and you say, Antigue 2. Yeah, exactly. Well, she must be bored of...

No one ever taps her on the shoulder with a sword. She must wonder what it's like. Draw that. I mean, what's all the fuss about? These people queuing up to be tapped on the shoulder with a sword. Let her experience that joy. Yes. Everybody who I know, who has ever met the queen in the course of some sort of official event, has a story about how they made a fool of themselves in some way. So from the Queen's perspective, everyone must just be constantly falling over and shitting themselves. Like she lives in a world of idiots. Does she ever do twirl her sword around like a musketeer beforehand just to spice things up?

I don't know. I feel sorry for it. It'll all be lightsabers by the end of the decade anyway, on health and safety grounds. BELL RINGS Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle, Anu Vabala. Thanks for bringing me up to date with what's happening outside the the the crickety world that I've been in the habit of recording this in the corner of a hotel room with a beautiful view of a car park full of cars owned by cricketers.

So it's a strange life at the moment. Any shows or anything to plug for our listeners? I have a show at the factory theatre in Sydney on the 27th of July, whatever this month is, it will be streaming live and also will be live. It will be both live and streaming live. You can have access to that if you're awake at the time that it's on, which you can find out by googling it. Also, my special sandwich is available on Amazon Prime and there's this daily podcast that I have access to. It comes to my email inbox from an alternate

dimension and it's called The Last Post. Hmm. Sounds intriguing. Anduva? Well, I have an ongoing podcast every Thursday on Spotify called Our Last Week, where you were kind enough to stump us with the conundrum. We try and answer conundrums from people around the world. We are awaiting a conundrum from a very talented lady called Alice Fraser, of course, supposed to say does a cadadroom, but while we wait, I will be doing the podcast from the Bolivian Salt Flats, where you will find me now indefinitely. Great acoustic there, I've heard. If you want to hear more of me,

I will be analyzing the decaying averages of some of England's leading batsmen over the next five days on the BBC cricket coverage. Thank you for listening, Bueglers. It's been a pleasure talking to you. Until next time, goodbye. you