The Bugle - A Message to You, Rudy

Episode Date: February 4, 2008

The 15th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugglers, and welcome to issue 4174 of the Bugal Audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning 23 November 2020.

I am Andy Zoltzman, you're just going to have to trust me on that if that's okay, if you're still not convinced, ask the person currently nearest you if they are Andy Zoltzman. They won't be, you can therefore rule them out making it statistically more likely that I am Andy's Oldsmen, the numbers don't like. We are recording on Friday the 20th of November 2020, not long to go now people, just 41 sleeps until we're not in the shittest year of our life so far, with all due respect to our older listeners who may have lived through two world wars the age of empire black death the flood in the asteroid Anyway, it's gonna make a nice change. I forgot what it's like hopefully 2021 doesn't it complacent and start show boating after the first month or so now joining me to Carve the events of the past week into the indelible audio marble slabs of history We have nish kuma and for the first time on the Bugle since giving birth watch and learn

Nish it's Felicity Ward. Hi Andy Nish you should watch and learn this is how you give birth I hope you do it I hope you do it in the next couple of weeks. Alright roll the tape. Felicity is great great great have you back house mother had treating you. He's one. He was one about two days ago. So look, motherhood is very complex. On the one hand, I love my son more than anyone I've ever met. No offense. He's my favorite person that I've ever met. He's my best friend.

The same time, postnatal depression can suck an absolute dick. It really can just take it in the back of the throat or the eye. I don't mind which one and get to f***. Can we swear on the show now? It feels like a late time to ask the question. F***, f***, f***. I'm f***ing well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, be bleeping out the f***, but not the ghost sacradic. I think our rules are inconsistent.

No, I think intuitively that's correct. Chris has spent too much time working with the BBC. Sensation policies are confusing and contradictory. Sounds like he's been working with CBBs if you know what I mean. Why do you grow a pair, Chris? I'm not promise you. My mother claims that she's been suffering from postnatal depression for 35 years, but she fairly, squarely blames that on my door.

I don't want to take sides with your mum, but I will. Now, motherhood is very good, but there was a long time that it was very hard but there was some other things going on as well. I'm sure we've all had a cracking 2020 and so this was very much the icing on the cake. It was basically born almost on the day that the coronavirus came into existence I think. He is the coronavirus. He is Haitian Zero. Right. He is a bat. We're finally getting the truth of this story.

Breaking news. World exclusive. My son is a bat. What? How's Flick? Oh yeah, he actually gave birth to a Chinese bat. Really weird, actually. Yeah, really weird.

But you know, she's charismatic lady. It doesn't, she's unpredictable. I get it sounds on brand I mean, I've met the father and from what I can tell he's not a Chinese bat, so I'm not really sure how it's happened That's the frustrating thing. He looks my my son his name is Frankie He looks so much like my husband Chris. I'm not entirely sure that he's my son except for the fact that I distinctly remember him coming out of me. Well early on in the bugle I told the story of delivering my own my own child in the bathroom. Oh my god. I guess you didn't you didn't go for that option. No, but I did have a moment where if you've done an anti-natal class or a prenatal class,

which is somehow the same thing. That makes my sense. Anti-natal sounds like, no, I'm not having a baby. In all those classes, they tell you about your water breaking. They're like, look, in Hollywood films, the water goes everywhere. It's this huge deal. Sometimes people don't even know that their water is broken. Sometimes the doctors have to break the water in hospital to give so the baby can come out. And so that's what they're like, it's just, anyway, I woke up at like three o'clock

in the morning, I'm like, I'll go to go to the toilet. The water broke and then it just kept breaking until the baby was born in waves, in undulating waves. It doesn't just go, oh the water's breaking, oh you're gonna have a baby soon. You can just be like, oh the water's breaking, oh no contractions, oh okay. And then like six hours later just shh shh shh shh shh shh and you're like, is this supposed to keep, am I drowning from the inside? Like, am I dying? I don't know it, nobody told me. Nobody told me. Just a heads up for anyone that's pregnant and listening. I've said it before, and I'll say it again,

it's a truly disgusting miracle. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. So many miracles are. You sure have seen the state of Lazarus. Disgusting. I know when I was running point on the birth of our second job. Was this one or two? I'm assuming two. This was number two. Number one, I was very much in a...

I don't know, an advisory capacity. It was sort of fact finding mission more than anything else. The back-say driver. Yeah, very much just standing in the corner of a delivery sweeping. But, and what I mostly remember is how much a birth can disrupt one's enjoyment of a test match on the radio. It's really disruptive. Yeah, just a spare thought for all the

apartments out there that can no longer enjoy Test Cricket because of birth. Yeah, it must be really hard. OK, not something that was covered in the anti-natal class. Today, it's 20th November is absurdity day. World absurdity day created to mark all the ridiculous things in the world,

the off the wall, the baffling and the bonkers. And we will be celebrating absurdity day here at the Bugle by just looking at what's been happening in the world for the past week. I'm not sure that's what's supposed to be the point of world absurdity day, but it seems entirely appropriate. As always, the section of the Bugle is going straight

in the bin this week. Christmas Tech Gifts section, the new Apple ii Lids, the new Smart Tech accessory for the insides of your eyelids, that mean you can still consume social media while snoozing, sleeping, blinking, squinting into a particularly aggressive sunset in a coma or dead. And in a particularly witty Apple design feature, the smooth edges obsessed tech design giants have picked up on the ii part of the products title and designed the ii lid in the shape of a pirate. So it is functionally unbelievable,

but an uncomfortable wear for the i. Also, Praboscits have got a new piece of kit, obviously one of the world's leading makers of nose tech over the last few years with products such as the Praboskit Olfax, which sends a printable description of what you're currently smelling to friends, family and work colleagues. And I just launched the new controversial PK Celebrity Snaught, which enables you to smell exactly what

their featured partner celebrities are smelling at that very moment. And that's not necessarily an enjoyable thing, depending on who your chosen celebrities are. That section in the bin. And it you nearly made the ultimate Freudian slip of this entire podcast by starting the podcast by saying, and this section of the bin is going straight in the view.

Yeah. Yeah. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Top story this week, Rudolf Giuliani's face. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha We choose to lead with this story, Bueglars, not because it was the most important thing in the world this week, far from it. I mean, that'd be like focusing on a fly repeatedly hurling itself into a closed window over and over again until it can cast itself to death in a documentary over the growing biodiversity crisis

in the natural world. It's not fundamentally that relevant. We chose to lead with this story, not because it was the funniest, because at its heart, it's a story about the willful deliberate shameless desecration of the already repeatedly violated husk of American democracy which in itself is not laugh out loud funny although obviously the Giuliani face incident was in itself.

No, we chose to leave with a story if I may quote John F. Kennedy not because it is easy but because it is hard, not to. It's hair dye rolling down a sweating, stupid, stupid, fucking face, fuck sake. What did you expect us to do? We choose to leave with a story because I would argue that this moment, Nish and Felistite, I would argue that this moment summed up Trumpian America more than any other, and that's also summed up planet Earth, Thermal Indian phase one, better than anything,

a desperate, flailing old man's hair dye, being so disgusted with being in proximity to the words spewing out of his mouth, that it made a break for freedom. It said, I cannot be on this *******head any longer. Now Karl Marx, no doubt, very smart chap, but he did fail to foresee a few things. The main two being that people would not overthrow the shackles of capitalism because even as it ravaged their lives, McDonald's simply tasted two delicious and number two beard trimmers. But Marx also failed to foresee something very important. He built on Hagel's idea in a quote

that's often misquoted when attributed to him, because it's misquoted as history repeats itself, first a tragedy then as fast. But he wasn't actually talking about history itself, he was talking about historical figures. There's often a person who is a sort of tragic figure and then another person who comes after them who fulfills a similar function initially but then turns out to be a bit of a joke, right? What he did not foresee is that Rudy Giuliani would repeat himself first as tragedy and then as fast. First he was the tragic figure who squandered his post-911 good will on a disastrous presidential campaign and then becoming an apologist for a racist game shows presidency.

And then the last six months he is descended into a fast but not a classy fast like Mollier or a particularly bookie episode of Frazier. I'm talking about a gross fast. I'm talking about Van Wilde, a part of Elias on Dumb and Dumber Pet Detective Fast, where he gets tricked by Borat, books a warehouse next to a sex shop for a speech about the presidential election, and then makes another speech where the head I runs down his head and makes it look like a bird diarrhea on his face. And that bird, it was not regulation diary, that bird ate an industrial quantity of hot sauce covered brown flakes and then washed the whole thing down with a glass of prune juice and human shit. I, I have heard of donated organs rejecting their host.

I have never heard of a hair dye rejecting its host hair. I didn't think it was hair dye. I just thought it was black blood streaming from his ears. His skin came into contact with daylight. I just, surely we're done as human beings, aren't we? Like we're just done. I know the Biden one over Trump. Obviously that's not a great thing for everyone, but because Biden is definitely the less of two awful, awful people. But you shouldn't at every press conference Rudy Giuliani does. There should be three people still asking, I know you're talking about

some Hugo Chavez madness and your scalp seems to be melting. But can we just clear up once more why you went into the hotel bedroom of a minor for cocktails and then tucked your shirt in in a masturbatory way and only stopped when Borat entered the room? Number one, imagine Borat being the reason you stopped behaving crudely. If he is your moral compass, we are absolutely f**ked. We're f**ked. And listening to Giuliani read... I don't know if you saw the whole thing. Rudy Giuliani re-enacted a scene from my cousin Vinnie as part of his defense.

Oh, why does that sentence exist? Oh. It's just like, that wasn't just a weak argument. It was as painful and boring as any old person trying to describe a movie they once saw. Like, it's never, that's never a cogent argument, that's never a one-two blow. It was like, you know that one, my cousin Fizzy? No, Vinny, he held up two fingers from Brooklyn. That's why I'm like him.

The lady couldn't see the fingers. Anyway, the people were further away than that. What the fuck are you talking about? Go and have a glass of water and mop your hair line while you're there, please. Also, not sure if you saw the whole press conference, but the lawyer who was on before Giuliani, I'm assuming she's a part of their elite strike force team, is talking about how communism is tearing down the American vote. Anyway, she looks like Carol Baskin from Target King and that's all I wanna say on the matter.

Okay. Well, that was the Sydney Powell, I think the Trump attorney who made some extraordinary suggestions that essentially Hugo Shavves, the late lunatic lefty, he's back. He's back. He featured quite a prominent in the early years of the bugle at before doing the decent thing and dying in 2013, but not before he had won the 2020 US election for Joe Biden.

It turns out because according to Giuliani and Sydney Powell, there were voting systems and I'm quoting directly here the Dominion voting systems, the smartmatic technologies off where and the software that goes into other computerised voting systems here, these are the words of Sydney Powell, not just them, you were created in Venezuela at the direction of Hugo Chavez to make sure he never lost an election after one constitutional referendum came out the way he did not want it to come out. Now, let us emphasize that what Sydney Powell said

is partly true. It's true up to the words were created. And then it very much jumps off the factoring into a disused canal. I mean, Dominion has no links to Venezuela. Smartmatic was founded by Venezuelan entrepreneurs based in the USA who have been critical of the Venezuelan regime

and the companies are competitors with no corporate links. I mean in terms of all the The Tarlunatic conspiracies that we've Enjoyed if indeed that is the right word which it which it isn't recently. I mean this is this is spec-tam And they're getting it's almost artistically created. I don't think most Conspiracy theorists would have even seen that I can't Spanish midfielders picking out passes that English players don't even see her on. Grab your bearers, everyone. To quote LL Cool J, don't call it a comeback.

Shabbos is back. Who else is he in league with? Finn Lardon, Princess Diana, only time and indeed Rudy Giuliani will turn. And welcome to Trump's new vice president. It's Elvis. Yes, the Presley Shakur ticket is going to be pretty big for the Republicans in 2024.

He's not the president. He's the president. Welcome back. Welcome back. Thank you, Andy. If you can rely on a bad pun coming from this guy, I'm never going to leave you hanging. As the one of the many extraordinary things about the my cousin Vidi reference is that

Giuliani sort of, he says that he likes it. This is a direct quote, did you all watch my cousin Vidi? And I mean, I imagine everyone gathered there was thinking, yes, in 1992, are you about to ask us our favourite episode of The Fresh Prince? Was it a chat-up? Are we misinterpreting it? Not just some awkward chat-up line at a bar. He says it's one of his favourite law movies, which first of all is an interesting subcategory, but also one of his favorite law movies because the character is from Brooklyn. That's his entire reasoning for his enjoyment of my cousin Vinnie, but my favorite detail about it is the scene that he's referencing is when Joe Pesci's character holds up two fingers and moves further away to try and illustrate that witness who claims that they saw the crime be committed, couldn't have seen it because they were too far away, right? But it illustrated that scene, Rudy Giuliani said,

these people referring to the pole observers were further away than my cousin Vinnie was from the witnesses. Now, this means one of two things. Either Rudy Giuliani believes that he is related by blood to the character, or Rudy Giuliani doesn't understand how films work and thinks the main character of Inception is a man called John Inception. Imagine that being your favourite lore movie. Let's get back to that. Like he's not going to pick legally blonde? A few good men? Come on mate!

There's so many lore movies to kill a mockingbird Anyone not gonna choose that one is he's got a black person in it. Yucky. He would think yucky 12 angry men is certainly the the core target demographic for the Trump campaign Rudy Giuliani's favorite law movie is the first 20 minutes of to kill a mockingbird The Ardie's favourite law movie is the first 20 minutes of Tequila Mockingbird. Sydney Palsett's mother extraordinary things. She claimed that the software is one of its most characteristic features, is its ability to flip votes. It can set and run an algorithm that probably, she said, ran all over the country to take

a certain percentage of votes from Trump and flip them to Biden, which it did apart from the fact that it did not, not in reality, anyway. I don't know how many dimensions they're operating on at the moment. And also, I don't think you can blame an algorithm for flipping votes from Trump to Biden. I think the reason votes flipped from Trump to Biden is Trump being an enormous vote flipping. That could be a factor. Earlier in the week, Paul told Fox Business, she was going to, quote,

release the crocus. The crocus is a legendary giant squid-like seam monster from ancient Norse sagas. And to be honest honest that was the most believable thing anyone in Trump's legal shit squad has said since the election. I mean they're more likely to unveil a god gancho and killer Scandinavian mythical octopus than find enough evidence to overturn the election result. It might even be a sign of a willingness to row back on some of their more outlandish claims. And she also claimed that Trump had beaten Biden by a landslide,

by a landslide, reminiscent of when Pompey beat Mount Vesuvius by an absolute pyroclastic surge. Even Tucker Carlson on Fox has blasted Julianian Powell for a lack of evidence. And when you are getting criticized by Tucker Carlson, for some, you know it is time to put your fishing rod back in the bag, pack up your sandwiches,

fold up your stool, put all your kit back in your bag, climb one way or all other, back out of the whale's intestine, and admit that your fishing trip has not gone well. Oh. Oh. It's like being accused of unethical business practices by Lex Luthor. The guy is the king of baseless nonsense. I think, and I might be on slightly legally shaky ground here, but

I think Tucker Carlson was able to legally defend himself in court by claiming that no one takes anything he says seriously. I think Chris may need to check that to stop us from getting sued. I have indeed fact check this and I mean f*** it there's nothing else to do and indeed it is correct and you'll find at least one link in the show notes. I can't believe Trump's legal attempts to overturn the election result are being stymied when his principal lawyer is a man who was tricked by Barat and whose entire legal education seems to be from the film my cousin Vinnie. How is this possibly happened? I mean, 2020. I mean to return to a more important issue, the head I running down his face. I mean, I thought, I mean, it's just a tectonic fault line opening in Rudy Giuliani's

cheek. And if so, does not, isn't that the thing that would symbolize this millennium? So was he sweating pure, dark guilt? Or was there a heroic army of ants marching down his face to crawl across to his mouth and somehow knit it shut with their ad corpses. It was truly extraordinary, but an old man verbally thrashing against reality, a half-wit Houdini trying and failing to escape from a perfectly normal overcoat

that he's deliberately put on back the front with one single button done up. Julian is now completed his gradual determined metamorphosis into a visibly melting man mirage cocooned in an inescapable prism of his own explosive delusions, manuring the fertile soil of demagoguery with the mammoth shit of con-f- infected conspiracy, a part-ghost, part-toed manifestation of the flaws and dangers of our politics, media, and economics, with hair dye running down his face. Fake Hughes, everyone, fake Hughes,

spluttering down his furious cheeks, like a weeping physical metaphor for modern America. So that's why this was the top story this week. I would also say that as much as obviously it's intrinsically hilarious and everything about it is ridiculous and offensive and disgusting it could still work The last four years I am slightly amazed when I see people saying oh this is it's you know Biden's won the election. What's the big deal? I?

I'm old enough to remember our gore-winning an election and the Supreme Court turning around to going Yeah, it turns out you actually lost even though you got the most votes. So there's no reason to assume that when it comes to actually selecting the electors, because the process by which they could steal this election effectively is by having the electors who get sent to the Electoral College replaced by Republican favouring state legislatures. And if you don't think that could happen, you have not been paying enough attention

to the last four years. This is a critical moment for American democracy. And like a storm cloud that's shaped like an ass or a mild burning sensation when you pee, just because it involves things, brackets, butts and penises that are inherently funny and seem ridiculous doesn't mean it isn't something about which you should be deeply deeply concerned. American democracy needs to go to the STD

clinic and get its dick checked because it might be about to be in a lot of fucking trouble. It could be beetroot or it could be the death of democracy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. announced a global strike and called on the United Nations to impose a maximum allowance of 15 lies per leader per day plus an optional extra 20 lies to be perpetrated by official spokespeople and or lawyers. They've complained about inhuman working conditions and brutally long hours, so our thoughts are with all of them. Britain news now and we're back. Britain is back. Britannia is going to rule the

waves again thanks to our glorious king Boris Johnson announcing a new plan to make Britain once again Europe's foremost naval power. Nish, you are of course the Bugles naval warfare correspondent role, which I know you take extremely seriously. No, yeah, I do, I do take it, I do take it incredibly seriously. Yeah, Andy, it's absolutely unbelievable news because Boris Johnson has taken one look at the things that are threatening Britain today. He's taken one look in the year of our Lord, brackets S for the polytheists amongst us, 2020, and he has said, you know what we need is a once in a generation modernisation of the armed forces. At last, we are going to be arming ourselves. And why? Guess what? We're about to shoot the

coronavirus right in its fucking mouth. For too long this virus, this I'll say it, piece of shit, has been running rough shot over us and it's time for us to tool up and strike back. It's time for us to get an oozzy, turn it sideways, gangster style, and absolutely unload a clip full right in this airborne virus's god damn face. Oh mate. It's an absolutely inexplicable piece of, of, of jingoistic dickswinging that helps absolutely no one. And unfortunately, it couldn't have been worse timed, given that this morning there was a breaking news story

that the Chancellor Rishi Sunak is potentially about to announce a series of cost cutting measures by pay freezing public sector workers, including the care workers that are quite literally keeping people alive. But at the end of the day, you don't need that if you're armed to the f**k. If you've got a headache, how better to cure it than by having your head blown

off by a sore off shotgun. Problem solved. Problem solved. You can't have a headache if you don't have a head. Think it through liberals. It's not to say that they can't spend money on defense. Although that's not where I would spend the money, some people believe that you should. But if you're going to spend money on defense, then you have to be able to spend money on other things as well. You can't then cut other things and go, oh, sorry, because it's not, we don't need it right now. So what I'm saying is, I have proposed a list of things that they should fund instead or at the same time. Number one, keeping the Christmas lights up until March.

Yeah? Not because I love Christmas, but because winter and the darkness is very hard in the first three months of the year, and 2020 has somehow been worse than the year that Alan Rickman, Prince, George Michael and David Bowie died. So a little bit of extra light isn't gonna hurt anyone. And also make them sad lights, as in seasonal effective disorder lights, because depression is real and long.

Now, number two, more animal shows on TV, yeah? Remember in the 80s and the 90s, and there were just always just random kids shows featuring a very nervous vet as a guest and then some rare endangered animals. And everyone's like, yeah, we're having to put it in front of a live studio audience with 200 screaming

children and unregulated lighting. And then they urinate on everything and the host would be like getting tetanus. We're all lost. It's just a bit more of that, you know? That's what I think this year needs. And finally, I'd like the government to invest in a campaign to make the phrase, sorry, the place is such a mess.

When your place is not actually a mess, illegal. I have been to people's places a long time ago, who had three kids under five, and the house was spotless, and they were embarrassed, or pretending to be embarrassed, and they were like, oh yeah, sorry, the places have missed. Well, you know what? My flats is shit hole and I have a cleaner. LAUGHTER

I think it's wise money spent. A metaphor for Britain. Other government spending news. Due to budgetary constraints, government backed projects tackling the bullying of LGBTQ plus students in England schools have had their funding pulled That so that funding was four million pounds over six years or to put that in context 18 hours worth of the Trident nuclear deterrent and that's just the annual operating cost of Trident Not the the whole outlay or even usage of it. That's just the existing

But we can't afford we can't afford four million pounds to prevent bullying. But I guess it's consistent, isn't it? If government's bullying strategy, they've kept pretty Patel on his home secretary who's found to have bullied civil servants. It will be hypocritical to pretend they give a shit about bullying in schools. Look, I think if one group of people have had it too good, for too long, it is LGP TQI children. You know, when are we gonna stop supporting them? We've thrown every, I mean, they're kids, they're in high school,

they know how to write, what else do you want? That's a foul time. Someone took those s**t, goes down and pay your taxes. Yeah, and I don't think I trust anyone more with that community than the Prime Minister who once used the phrase tank top bumboys. So, to be fair, if there's one thing Boris Johnson knows about, it's bullying LGTQIA people. It takes a thief to catch a thief, okay? Yes, the pretty Patel bullying story has also come a, it's also reed, it's ugly head. And let me tell you, it was someone who has spent 35 years being bullied by a woman of South Asian descent. Let me tell you, it's no fun.

But in my case, at least my mother also used to make me dinner. So, you know, for me, there was at least some carrot, sometimes quite literally, to go with the stick. All right, when I read the headlines about her bullying, I'm like, are you telling me the woman who looks like she post coitly rips the head off her sexual partner? Has been bullying people? Well, that just sounds very unlikely.

I watched an interview this morning where health secretary Matt Hancock stared down the barrel at the Sky News camera and said Miss Patel was incredibly courteous. He must have been relieved that he's had to lie about the government's COVID response for so long. So it made it really easy calling pretty Patel courteous and respectful. He must have been relieved that he had to lie about the government's COVID response for so long. So it made it really easy, calling pretty Patel Curdeus and respectful. He almost made it look sincere. Jacob Reese Mogs on Twitter, not quite understanding the call to Rally for pretty support, called her formidable. I think that's the problem, Jacob.

Boy, she is formidable. And she's been repeatedly described as being demanding. Now, the idea of somebody being demanding is not a bad in of itself. It just depends on what you're demanding because if what you're demanding is the highest standard possible from your co-workers, then it's all good.

But if what you're demanding is your co-workers lunch money on threat of getting a full wedgie. That is not fine. But Boris Johnson has said he will stand by pretty fatel and in a leaked text message that's doing the rounds in the British papers on their websites at the moment said that the government needs to protect the Pritzter. Now I'll be honest what I heard Boris Johnson had described a high ranking South Asian member of his cabinet. That was not the P word I'd anticipated in music.

Ah! Are they, the thing that the reason that she's not being fired is because they're saying her bullying was unintentional. Well, unintentional murder is still called manslaughter. There's still a penalty involved. It's called nuance. Look it up, Boris, and while you're there, get a f***ing haircut. Sorry.

Oh, and just the sh** cherry on the fecal cake of all of this is that it's also anti-bullying week. Ah! It's part of an education initiative by the Department for Education for less bullying. So that's, there you go, Britain. What a week, what a country. In other Boris Johnson news, Boris Johnson has told Scotland to go f*** itself, not quite in those words, but he has, he told a virtual meeting of conservative MPs

that devolution has been quotes a disaster in Scotland. I mean, there might be a subtext of these complicated word. I mean, I guess the point he was trying to make maybe tangentially is that he is a career buffoon who shouldn't be left alone and unattended in charge of a kid's clock and say, oh, let alone a whole f***ing country.

I'm reading between the lines there, of course. But it's a bit of a weird thing to say, he bangs on about how much he loves the United Kingdom and he hopes the conservative and unius party. I guess, when you really, really care about the United Kingdom and want to keep it together, the best strategy is firstly to leave a mutually beneficial economic powerhouse cooperative trade block against the wishes of the people in two of your four constituent nations, the best strategy is firstly to leave a mutually beneficial economic powerhouse cooperative trade block against the wishes of the people in two of your four constituent nations causing potentially decades of economic turmoil and then tell the people of those nations that they can't be trusted

with their own countries and need some twat from eaten to tell them what's good for them. That is rock solid tactics. The S&P member of Parliament drew Henry. Describe Boris Johnson's comments as underlining the contempt that he has for the people of Scotland. Well, don't think you're so special, Scotland. Boris Johnson has contempt for everyone. Ah! It's hard not to hear that remark.

I'm going to see Boris Johnson would have heard it a bit late. Thank you. Well. The The And Andy, what's behind me in my virtual background? Oh, well, since you asked Chris, it's very much like a 2020 edition Bugle Christmas jumper of which there are still some available, I believe. Chris, there's also some new lines in the hugely extensive viewable merch range coming out.

Talk us through it. Yeah, I was wondering if you might pass that over and is it appears that you've already forgotten what you signed off. God, guys, the tone, the ease with which you guys segue from the sort of chat into the heavily scripted advertising material is mind-blowing stuff. Go to thebugelpodcast.com and from Black Friday you can get a bugle scarf and a bugle bubble hat and a half a glass of all-totate shirts. Well, can't say for her, that is all your Christmas shopping sorted. I'm gonna get a jumper. I love it.

Orange is not my color, but I want it. It kind of looks like Christmas and Halloween at the same time. Oh, yeah, it's a real holiday jumper. It's got a thousand household uses. Australia news now and well there's been well a lot of lockdown issues in Australia, a lot of confusion and a lot of people stuck in hotels getting increasingly agitated and it's affected the Australian cricket team. Now, a Philistie, we did, we've done a cricket podcast over the years on sort of Anglo-Australian cricket.

And I know you're in very close contacts with the Australian cricket captain Tim Paine. Yeah, it's, look, self-isol madness ahead of the one day international and test summer series coming up. your friend and mine Captain Tim pain has been asked to go into self-isolation ahead of the games as Adelaide has had a surge of New COVID cases The restrictions are the toughest enforced in Australia so far for a six day lockdown There's no leaving the house for the entire time no exercise stay locked down, there's no leaving the house for the entire time, no exercise, masks are imperative if you leave the house for food shopping or medical essentials and only one

person can go to do that. The South Australian Premier Stephen Marshall has said the most aggressive and Australian message to his people about why we're doing this. So this is an elected official, he said that the state was going hard and going early. And then he said, we cannot wait to see how bad this becomes, which could be easily misread as we cannot wait to see how bad this becomes. Very important to look at inflection there. So that isn't that us that's the Australian government's policy to the environment as well, isn't it? We can't wait to see how bad this becomes.

Yeah, it's a joy, it's a very exciting stuff. It's got them on the edge of their seat. So they've had a surge and you can't imagine how many is like 10,000 a day, surely. Is it a thousand a day? As the population is much smaller there, it can't be that big. Let me just Google it. Well, that must be a mistake. It says here that the number of new COVID cases has ballooned to 22. They mean 22,000? No, they mean...

It must be... They mean 22. Well, that's a slightly different approach to the UK, but you know, it's you know. So due to my very close relationship with Tim Tam, I haven't excerpt from his upcoming autobiography, Slash Diary, Slash, Call It How I See It, No Holds Barred, Expos A, called No Pain, No Game. Okay. Dear me, I am writing this from my hotel room in Adelaide, or as the rest of Australia call it, RADELADE, or as I'd like to dedicate it to my parents, Mum and Adelaide.

The news has told me that there's been a contagion breakout of the Corolla virus, and it's true, there are many Toyota Corollas in Adelaide. I hope people can afford newer cars soon, but it's always hard with the economic downturn of a pandemic. The news was so boring so I watched Contagion to get a more accurate picture of what's going on. Really surprised how many monkeys are involved,

seeing as though the only ones I've seen since I've been here are the ones at Adelaide Zoo. But come to think of it, they did look suspicious. I've been wondering how the Corollas will affect the upcoming One Day International and test summer series. It shouldn't be a problem seeing as though we're sponsored by Toyota, but everyone seems to be getting sick from it. Maybe they just need a tune up. I've been sitting in my apartment for three days now. I haven't seen anyone.

I have watched Greece 1 and Greece 2, and the backlog of Gardeners World with Monty Don. I really got into it in the UK last Asher series. You remember when I opted to bowl at the oval, even though that was a f***ing stupid thing to do? Yeah, well, I finally came to that realization on day 3 and I decided to dissociate from reality by watching gardening programs. Well, I'm happy to report that my rhododendrons are an explosion of color around my humble garden. And I still haven't revisited the emotional repercussions of that career decision.

I'm sure it will never come up over too many beers and being called Timbo the Bimbo, one too many times by middle management bullies in Cricket Australia. So that's the hot take, Andy. Right. Well, good good to see you see soldering soldering thrown you straight out of mom and deadlady. Yeah. Yeah. Only was a ridiculous decision. I mean, what a fucking dumb sorry. That's absolute mad behavior. That's absolute mad on behavior. That's the madest on behavior. Like if you asked a six-year-old, like, Eva, you're like, okay, you're gonna play cricket. What do you want to do? You want

battle ball? They're like, bat. We're gonna be bat. Always bat. You're always bat. And this one, where we could bat, and it was a good day to bat. We should have fucking bat it Andy. Yeah, well, sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I will be back next week. Felicity, have you got any shows or other podcasts that you'd like to tell our listeners about? I don't know mate. I got brain damage.

I had a baby. There's nothing left. If it's not written down, it doesn't get said, okay? I don't know. Check with my agent. Shut up, Andy. Why are you always... Why are you always calling me with questions? I, on December 3rd, I stand up show of mine called Rubenotions on the Night Shriff Subjectivity. It's going to appear. I believe that's the word, on Amazon Prime. Woo! It's going to operate on to Amazon Prime,

as part of the Soho Theatre, which is a wonderful venue for comedy in London, recorded a bunch of specials in there. So there's some great shows going on there, Lazy Susan's show, one of my favorite ever sketch shows, other than the middle, Buebler, will they be available globally? Wonderful question, no idea.

In my experience of the audience of this podcast, that is not an impediment to you people interacting with this. You seem to, and this is said with love, be a pack of fucking criminals. That's all I'm sorry. Well, there we go, Buebler. I might be doing a show at the end of the year as well, That's awesome. Well, there we go, butuglers. I might be doing a show at the end of the year as well, but I haven't fully decided.

So there we go, we've all plugged something. Until next week, goodbye, and we will now play you out with some more lies about our premium voluntary subscribers to join them. Go to thebugelpodcast.com and click the donate button to make a one-off or recurring donation to help keep the show free, flourishing and independent. Goodbye. Daniel Gersh was delighted to triumph in a competition to win a year's supply of fish. However, he was subsequently disappointed when that year's supply of fish was delivered in one go on the 1st of January dumped off the back of a lorry outside his front door.

The novelty of rotting sardines had definitely worn off by mid-March, confirmed Daniel. Sam Moore thinks that nations should appoint an official arch-enemy. Sam explains, we have arch-bishop's, so we know who the bishops-iest bishop is, so why not arch-enemies? It would help us prioritise our general geopolitical and social concerns, as well as our defence budgets. Tony Cook often wonders what today's celebrities would have done if they'd been alive in the past. He thinks that 1980's tennis star Pam Schreiver would have been a sculptor, actor James Woods would have been an exorcist but not a particularly good one, and Rockstar Keith Richards would have been a very badly behaved Pope.

Eli Luhoma is disappointed about how few accidental discoveries have been made in history. Whilst Penicillin, the microwave oven and Velcro are all great says Eli, it seems a shame that no one has accidentally discovered a type of bread that makes you levitate or a self-warming shoe. Rob Hamilton has been thinking a great deal about alternative non-custodial and retributive sentences for less serious crimes, to ease pressure on the world's prisons. Rob theorises, I reckon if a would-be criminal knew for example, that they could have their TV remote controlled by the victim of their crimes for the next ten years, they would think

very carefully before nicking that temptingly steelable garden known. David Cooper is much taken with the idea of irritating rather than custodial sentences, and adds that he thinks a ban on using any form of cup or glass would be really crime-preventingly irritating, as would being forced to use lightbulbs programmed to blow after 25 minutes use, and illegal obligation to use a kettle that beeps loudly for half an hour every time you boil it. A correspondent known as Dr. Crazy Cat Cat Lady regrets that life has become less spontaneous and believes that the government should launch an official new program to reestablish spontaneity in society through various well-organised schemes to train people how to live more off the cuffly over a perhaps 10-20 year period. You're right, it is a bit counterintuitive,

says Dr Crazy Cat Lady, but I reckon it could work, just give it a bit of time. John Spratt managed to convince a credulous work colleague that amongst his many legacies in the English language, Shakespeare invented the phrase's few-water scorcher, Goodgolly Miss Molly, and pulled my finger, as well as writing a character called Corporal Craphead in the first draft of a fellow. Gaten Bioi, whose surname is frankly an absolute mess of vowls and the letter L, thinks that the phrase, you pay peanuts, you get monkeys, is not actually valid. Gaten explains,

I once tried to pay for an original 1960s vinyl of last train to Clark'sville by the monkeys, with a tub of dry roasted peanuts towards I thought was the equivalent financial value of the record. And, well let me tell you, I did not get monkeys. I got a strongly worded invitation to leave the shop as quickly as possible. And finally, Steve Tari had an almost equal and opposite experience. I found a set of keys in a hedge when walking near a monastery, relate Steve, don't ask he adds. Anyway, I took them to the monastery's lost property property office and they were absolutely delighted. Yes, they said, we can finally get into our soft play area again. In gratitude, they gave me an exchange for the keys, a book of Charlie Brown cartoons,

so effectively, I paid monk keys, I got peanuts. Here endeth this week's lies. Go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button.