The Bugle - A World of Pure AImagination

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

AI warehouse Wonka gives us one of the stories of the year, plus despots buying crazy gifts, billionaire weddings and weirdos getting elected. Plus, what's an appropriate logo for a business?Andy is with Josie Long, Felicity Ward and Anuvab Pal. This show was recorded in Glasgow and Norwich. We are on tour!Send thoughts and questions for Andy at [e-mail]. Click follow to make sure you get every episode and please drop us a nice review or rating wherever you choose.PLUS: Become the owner of an exclusive episode of The Bugle, on 12 inch vinyl! Become a premium member NOW! https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donateThis episode was presented and written by:Andy ZaltzmanAnuvab PalFelicity WardJosie LongAnd produced by Laura Turner and Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers. I am Andy Zoltzman and welcome to episode 4293 of The Bugle. This is a Bugle Live special, comprising highlights from not just one, not just three, but actually two live Bugle shows, recorded on Friday the 1st of March in Glasgow and Sunday the 3rd in Norwich. Over the next X Minutes, where X is the number of minutes our Supreme Overlord Producer Chris has decided is appropriate for this week's Bugle, so probably somewhere between two and six hundred You will hear me

Josie Long who did the Glasgow show Felicity Ward who did Norwich and Anuva Pal who did both joining us via the internet from Mumbai speaking truth the power and speaking bullshit to power and Truth and bullshit to things that aren't particularly powerful as well It's the bugle that's sort of how we generally roll. Power's not listening anyway, so we might as well say what we want. Anyway, here are your highlights from the first two shows of our UK tour in front of our truly stunning bugle live audiences. Let's start with some anniversaries.

Third of March. We are recording on the third of March, on this day in 1857, France and the United Kingdom declared war on China. It was the second opium war. To show the heroic civilizing influence of Victorian Britain on the world, it was a war, a just, noble, divinely ordained war in which Britain forced the legalization of the opium trade onto China when we consolidated our position as the world's leading drug dealer.

Good on you guys. You've done some good things in this world. And that is definitely one of them. So yeah, not too many statues of that. I think that's part of the history that we don't like to talk about. We like statues of old dead men who we pretended did good things and we don't like it when people in Bristol tip them into into canals. I think the difficulty about having a statue that's dedicated to opium is that it would be a heroin addict lying on the ground But it's part of our history. It's your culture

Antifelicity that opium does not get as much love nowadays that it used to in those days and I'm quite sad about that I just wanted you to know that also Britain shipped loads of opium to China, got all of China to get high on drugs, and then spend that money bringing tea to India, and that's how India became a leader of tea. And now, we've got rich out of tea,

the Chinese don't do drugs anymore, it's not the good world that could could have been that's what I'm saying So we can claim credit for all that and we gave you cricket what more do these what? these Not to be called these I reckon I realize out of context Some some things might look bad written down. This is being recorded. I've just tweeted it out. You're canceled. Another anniversary this week.

On the 1st of March, 1692, the Salem witch trials kicked off in Massachusetts, USA. There they are. That's what a witch. Run those bitches! That's what witch trials look like in 60. Good throwing arm, that. That's what witch trials look like in 60. Good throwing arm, that. That's Sarah Good, Sarah Osborne and Tituba,

the first defendants into the Crucible. And of course, in those early trials, there was a screen down between them, and they had a trial on either side. That is one for the snooker fans. I've already done my favourite joke of the show. Of course there used to be big business, the Major League Witch Trial season. And well, Salem, the Salem cauldron skeptics as they were, were trying to come back from a disbording 1691 season,

when the Newport Necromancy Naysayers won. The Baltimore Evidence fabricators were also looking strong ahead of 1692, but Salem managed to pick up a couple of very useful promising young magistrates in the draft and had a really great, I love sport. But of course, sadly, the woke brigade soon shut down witchcraft trials as a form of public entertainment because no one can have any fun these days or indeed in the late 17th century. And America instantly embarked on a course of equal justice for all that has continued unabated to the present day. Also on the 1st of March, in 1893,

electrical genius Nikola Tesla gave his first public demonstration of radio. Chris, are you sure that's his demonstration of radio? Every great scientific achievement is preceded with a failure. Right. And that sort of isn't quite radio. OK. But it was the first picture, I found. Right.

I mean, it's possible that that is what happened with the world's first football phoning, that just the constant... It looks like a behind the scenes from Ghostbusters when they cross the streams. Yes. Just look how brilliantly bored the guy is at the bottom. What a little emo. Electricity, we get it.

They did some really weird things in the early days of electricity. There's a film of Thomas Edison, an electric cruising an elephant. Who's seen that? Yes, yeah, it's there, it's on the internet, isn't it? I'm not making it, you people, I mean, I'd I thought everyone in Norfolk

Which with all due respect, it's not the world's most exciting County I can't believe you've had the option to watch a video of an elephant being electrocuted harmlessly in 19 at harmlessly because he would have Been dead by now. Well, he would have been dead by now anyway, so It makes it harmless Right just quickly can you talk me through the elephant what? Right. Just quickly, can you talk me through the elephant? What? Is it a video? Is it like a documentary or is it a reimagining? It took a film. Can you look it up, Chris? I'm not making this up, Mama.

This guy's seen it. What did he make of it? Yeah, it was ages ago, so it's fine. That's basically how we learn about history in this country. Yeah, it was disgusting, but it was ages ago, so let's just move on. It was... That's all I need to know, okay. Also coincident, the origin of the Donna Kebab. Too soon, too soon.

Top story this week, what the f*** has happened to British politics? George Galloway, he used to be an MP here, didn't he? Quite a long time ago now, was it this part of Glasgow? It was literally here, so that's why we chose this venue because we look into the future. George Gallo, the renowned cat impersonator and gobshite, is an MP once more. I don't know when I saw the results came through last night. I was in Aberdeen recording the news quiz for'r gweithio ar y radio 4. Mae'n fawr i'n fawr i'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio ar y gweithio.

Mae'n gweithio ar y gweithio. Mae'n gweithio ar y gweithio. Mae'n gweithio ar y gweithio. Mae'n gweithio ar y gweithio. Mae'n gweithio ar y gweithio. Mae'n gweithio ar y gweithio. Mae'n gweithio ar y gweithio. Mae'n gweithio ar y gweithio. Mae'n gweithio ar y gweithio. Mae'n gweith yng Ngyslwyr Clystyn, y dynodd yn ymddiol yn ymddiol yn ymddiol.

Mae'r ddweud yn ymddiol yn gweithio. Mae'r ddweud yn ymddiol yn ymddiol, mae'n ddweud yn ymddiol yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol. Mae'n ddweud yn ymddiol, ac mae'n ddweud yn ymddiol. Mae'n ddweud yn ymddiol,

yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol. Mae'n ddweud yn ymddiol, thought to myself, I wonder what Gramsky would say about that. Like about what's happening now. And I found in his prison diaries what he said is, pessimism of the intellect, not George Galloway for f*** sake. For f*** sake! Porca Madonna! That's the worst swear I know in Italian.

As our older listeners might remember,ansky as Ounceky. Tough, come on. That's quite a good decimalization joke. He's a Unity candidate because literally everybody thinks he's a c***. Not Saddam Hussein. Now, I was doing a quick bit of research on George Galloway and I have a question. There aren't that many parliamentarians that have been on Celebrity Big Brother pretending to be a cat and have met Saddam Hussein.

No, not many. Not many. Some have done one, some have done the other, but not many of the... I think, I think, Disraeli did the 19th century celebrity big brother. Um, yeah, I mean it's, uh, so, so the Rothschild bar election, which took place on the 29th of February, which means that Galloway is going to be an MP for 20 years. Um, he's got a loophole! Um, and it, it's, this is because, so Labour so Labour's Labour ditched their candidate as a Ali.

I can't remember what I think because he batted too slowly for modern. I'm getting them wrong as a... That is a very niche cricket joke, I realise. This is maybe not the right city to do it in. But this is after footage emerged of him sharing conspiracy theories about the terrorist attacks in Israel. Deeply offensive, ignorant and false, with three characters sadly written out of the script of the 1937 Disney smash hit animation Snow White. But they're also used by Azar Ali about his own comments. But it's not a lot, I don't think, in a supposedly mature democracy, to ask your elective representatives to be smart enough

not to fall for batshit, crazy conspiracy theories. That seems like fairly entry level stuff, but that's how it ended up. He only got 4,000 votes, and when you're absolutely thrashed in an election by someone best known for lapping milk like a cat and being friends with one of the world's most bastardish despots, you've probably got to go back to the drawing board as a parliamentary candidate. Galloway came out and said, he's going to make Rochdale great again.

His deputy, Chris Williamson, refused to condemn Hamas' attacks on the 7th of October, to which I guess the obvious response is, learn to f***ing multitask, you f***ing numbskull. Because I think it's possible to hold more than one Mae'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodd yw'r cyfnodithio i'r rhai. Mae'n ddweud, dwi'n ddweud, dwi'n ddweud, dwi'n ddwe Jewish, extremely Jewish grandmother in South Africa and she asked what I'd like for dinner and I said, do you have any pork? It's not a great opener. It's not a great opener.

And I never saw a look of more concentrated disgust in anyone's face until I played the Manchester Comedy Store. What's their playtime for coming? Yes, she was 98 at the time. I mean, it is, our politics is just f***ed at the moment, isn't it? I mean, all the old certainties have just melted away. Speaking as a Scottish person, I'd like to say your politics is... It's all going beautifully up here, isn't it?

Well, it's not as bad. Andy, I was just looking at his record when he was an MP for Bradford West. And it appears that when he was an MP for Bradford West. And it appears that when he was an MP there, he spoke just 16 times in the House of Commons, sometimes going for six months or more without saying a word. So he might be an excellent member of Parliament actually. The sad part is you wish you'd do that when he wasn't a member of Parliament. Mae'r ddweud yw'r gweithio'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud? Yn ymwysgwch, mae'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud?

Mae'n ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud? Mae'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud? Mae'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddwe yma i'r ddweud o'r bench. Mae'n fwy o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddwe familiar with with his work, he's a part-time member of Parliament and full-time TV provocateur who claimed that London Mayor Sadik Khan was being controlled by Islamists with a specially adapted PlayStation controller that could make him do spontaneous karate kicks and 360 degrees somersaults from a standing start. This is what I have to do with news now. I find news so upsetting I have to make up bits to go on the end. That's it! That's the problem. Half of the stuff you just find yourself being like,

ugh, and that's not sophisticated enough. It is for this show. Liam Dixon used to pretend to be a labour guy, didn't he? Yes. Who is it? Well, I don't know. I mean, you can probably answer that in four letters. Yn ymwneud yw'r labergoed, dwi'n credu? Yn ymwneud? Yn ymwneud? Yn ymwneud, dwi'n credu yw'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyddo i'r llwyd Conservative Party and that is quite a high bar. I think so. He claimed Islamists run London and to be honest, I'd never really associated extreme Islamism

with really annoying traffic calming measures that increase traffic up trunk roads. But anyway, but apparently that's what they're up to. Now Andy, just a quick question. Now, claiming that Islamists run London, isn't that very offensive to all the billionaires and oligarchs from China, India, Russia, and the Emirates who've spent billions trying to actually run London?

They've put in the work. They get none of the credit. Yeah, I mean, there is an irony in this, isn't there? That Lee Anderson, he claimed that Sadie Conn has given the city of London away to his mates. And for a conservative MP to accuse someone else of giving London to his mates, that should provoke a terminal meltdown of our national

irony alarm. Well, he didn't quote the next line where he says, which isn't fair, I was going to give it to my mate. You know, this chaos feels very familiar. You know, your Prime Minister, I think we're coming to this, Andy, but I think your Prime Minister recently said that he feels like there's mob rule going on in the United Kingdom. What I was confused by is that it's his mob that's running So it's it's it reminds me of that bit in faulty towers

The sitcom where someone complains to the waiter and the waiter complains back to the customer saying the food is shit That's basically a mob rule of you. I mean is this to be a more efficient form of government, do you think? Well, it couldn't be less efficient. And Soonak, he complained about mob rule, and then he joined farmers on a protest. So I think it doesn't count as a mob if they're wearing wellies, I think. Yeah, historically, I feel like, do you remember the countryside alliance? And the papers were like, this is great, well done, absolutely. And then the students, they were like, kill them all.

That's what the papers sound like in my head. I'm the telegraph. All right, what time? And they get married. Oh, really? And they have a baby. And what have a baby The male the male the guy doing some DNA tests

Who says romance is dead? Shall we move on to India News? Yeah, I'd love that. Scuba diving Prime Minister, praise underwater news now. This is one of the great things about being alive today. You get genuine newspaper headlines that are so f**king ridiculous. It makes you glad to be alive. Anu Vab,awr, mae'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n He, well, he, I mean, he prayed under water. Can you explain why? I don't know, do you Rishi Shunak would ever scuba dive to pray? I don't think no. No. No is the short answer to that. I don't think Rishi Shunak is a human being. And so if he went into water, I think he would just melt and then fall back down to hell.

Right, okay. Fair enough. Annabelle, tell us exactly what happened here. Well you know, it's hard enough to explain this in person, Andy, let alone at one o'clock in the morning on a headset, halfway across the world. But basically what happened is that in ancient Hinduism there was a Atlantis-like city underwater off the coast of India. And our Prime Minister on a Sunday went looking for it. He's there.

You go. That's him. It looks like the cover of a tinting comic. But that is indeed the Indian Prime Minister. He dove underwater of the state of Kutrat to look for the lost city of Dwarka and couldn't find it so he did some nonsense prayers and this is what happens I think when you've been single as long as he has. He has a lot of Sundays free and he has the backing of 1.3 billion people so he

decided to go looking for a lost Hindu city. Now I'm a lapsed Hindu and I only believe in the well of the 130 million gods so I'm considered a very bad Hindu but it appears that if you're a Hindu and you go diving looking for stuff it's the world media will follow you. So the Prime Minister of Britain currently is a practicing Hindu. And who knows, in the month of May, when you have your elections, he may be diving in the river Thames looking for votes. So Prime Minister, we have started a trend here of Prime Ministers who dive,

looking for things on a Sunday because they're single. So much about this. Number one, he's dealing on a Sunday. You've got to have a hobby. Fine, do that. Also, I'm a lapsed Catholic. This is surely where some kind of joke already. A lapsed Catholic, a lapsed Hindu, and a lapsed Jew walks into a theater in Norwich. I'll tell you how I'm lapsed. I've had heaps of sex with condoms. That's why I've had sex twice. So I read this story and I was like, oh my God, the sentence is just the sentence alone

is on such a bell curve, isn't it? It's like Indian prime minister, standard, standard, standard scuba dived and we're off to a lost Hindu city. Hold on to your oxygen mast. We are ascending because to offer underwater prayers at the site of an ancient temple. Ding, ding, ding, ding! Didn't want to read anymore. I'm like, it can't get better than that. I don't want any details. Do I dare read the story? And then I read the story. I mean, like that by itself, it's't get better than that. I don't want any details. Do I dare read the story? And then I read the story. I mean, like that by itself, it's got extreme sports.

It's got politics. It's got history with mystery. But Andy, I was wrong. I opened the story and it reads, first sentence, the 73 year old made an offering of a peacock feather wand to the temple remains. Yes please, where is the mini series? Where is the six part documentary?

I want all of it. I want all of it. I fucking love India. Now, you know, Polissidy, it's a very good point. Here's the thing. Our prime minister is a very big fan of the gentle Russian Democrat Vladimir Putin. And Mr. Putin, as you know, goes on these long summer holidays where he rides a horse,

shirtless. And that gets a lot of media attention as a sign of his machismo. Our Prime Minister wanted to do that, to get this kind of attention. But if he was riding shirtless in the middle of New Delhi, it wouldn't be an uncommon sight. You cannot get the kind of attention he's getting in a diving suit off the coast of Gujarat. So, you know, I think he's trying unique to catch up with Mr. Puten. And I'm sure you guys as comedians have also tried to stand out from other comedians by diving underwater and such things. I actually, because I grew up on a beach, I have been spearfishing before and no big deal.

And sorry to brag, I'm hardcore. And I remember chasing a grouper, which is like a massive fish. And when you scuba dive, when you spearfishing, you can only have a snorkel on. I wasn't, I'm not a pussy. I don't go scuba diving. I hold my breath like a real man. Anyway I remember I don't need a fucking oxygen mask mate I've got two lungs. So I hold my breath I go under and it was behind the rock and I sort of like swam around the rock and then it surprised

me and came around the other side and I went whoo, whoo, and then I choked and I didn't kill the grouper. Well, I grew up in tumbridge world. What was the last animal you caught? My wife. So I didn't your wife is beautiful. I didn't mean it like that. I panicked, I panicked to say something. And your wife came out. She's better than you.

I don't know why I said that. Absolutely. That's the first fact in the history of the bugle. Oh, there you go. There you go. That's the fact thing. Also, I keep expecting Anuvaab to just hit the screen and then just go, yeah, runway three is clear now.

About to do that, exactly. Right, some other Indian news before we go to the interval. Anu Vab, very exciting wedding between the son of India's richest man and his childhood sweetheart, with pretty much every single A-list celebrity in the world, other than Felicity and me, Mae'r cyfnodd yn ymweld yma yn y cyfnodd a'r ffordd yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymweld yn ymw man, he lives in the world's most expensive house, his son is getting married, the following celebrities are in attendance, and it's going on tonight, there's a minute by minute update on the Times of India if you want to follow it, because the second course of snacks have just been served. Are there any British MP stealing those snacks there?

Yes, I'm joined by George Galloway in the catering. He's coming out to do a proklima song. Mark Zuckerberg is in India, Bill Gates is in India, Rihanna is performing, Mohammed bin Salman, the king of Saudi Arabia is here. As I narrate this guest list, it's sounding really dubious except for Rihanna. But the most interesting thing about this wedding, it's started to be the most expensive wedding in the world. Just the sort of thing you need in a country

where still half the population is below the poverty line. It's exactly the sort of thing you need. Now, the most interesting is taking place in a zoo. The groom is a huge fan of rescuing wild animals. So some of the biggest celebrities in the world, the names I mentioned and also Ed Sheeran and various other British celebrities, I think David Cameron is in attendance, will all be in a zoo and they'll be able to do all this partying and all that and also be able to walk around and pet wild animals. So Andy Felicity, if on Monday a bunch of famous people in the world have been eaten,

you know why? I mean, that's the dream. It just needs one caterer with a key to walk around and just surreptitiously open a couple of lion cages set up some go-pros Let the magic. I mean, it's it's Edison and the elephant all over again Glasgow news now And Well, there's only one place to start in Glasgow news now and well there's only one place to start in Glasgow news this week oh that works very well Chris Chris unfortunately your reaction there suggests that was an accident you

could have you could have claimed that so So what's happening is we've got a little picture of Willy Wonka that came up but your head is over the top of the top of Willy Wonka so you are now looking like someone who's just disappointed Scottish children. This, I mean you all know what we're talking about. Possibly the greatest new story of the millennium, would you say? A world of pure imagination. In that you had to imagine anything was actually there, so there is the really one. Did anyone here go to it?

No, no, did anyone know anyone who actually went? One. And I mean, it's, I mean, Josie, you are our Glasgow tourist attraction correspondent. I mean, this is absolutely sensational, isn't it? Yes, every now and again, if you endure the horror of the world, you get a little treat.

And very much that was the case for the people who went there as well. They got one jelly bean at the end of it. I am, what happened was, That was the case for the people who went there as well. They got one jelly bean at the end of it. What happened was people were promised an immersive experience that would delight them. They were promised cat-gocating catchy tons

Exhaust-a-drail lollipops truly a pasadice of sweet teats. That was the AI generated website that the man who organized, and I say organized using air quotes, the event didn't bother to edit the fake words out of, which could have been a hint as to what happened. You know, who amongst us hasn't dreamt of a passadice of sweet teats? Um, family show. Yeah. And it's so bleak, it was 35 pounds ahead.

Yeah, it's not cheap. Although I watched a Tik Toker who was this American, she was like, it was 35 pounds. And this is Scotland, that's a lot of money there. I was like, get, go and get your prescription, see how much it costs you, huh? We've all got 35 quid, because we're not spending it on insulin.

Anyway. It was just the bleakness, it's that combination of utter, I guess, bathos and it just kept on coming. Like the headline of it is children left in tears at sparsely decorated warehouse. Which, you know, it's a picture of Victorian cruelty. I mean, it just got better and better because more and more pictures surfaced, so you have a picture of this woman,

this brilliant actor who's trying her best, dressed as a meth lab and plump. It's good because I feel like actors, particularly working actors, have a lot of their dignity stolen from them. And this is their chance to kind of fight back and yeah then my favorite part of it was because the guy so I did some research on the guy the guy's name is Billy cool Billy Billy cool not spelt that way and as previous, he organized a community centre's grotto and then after they,

after the community had donated loads of toys and gifts, he just cancelled it. He's a reverse Father Christmas. And yeah, so my favourite part of it is because Billy Cool just got AI to design it all. When the actors were like, where's the script? He was like, AI, write a script, write the script, which is nonsense. I've downloaded it. I would love to read you something a bit, but the best part of it is that AI invented a villain and the villain who is not in Charlie and the chocolate factory is called the unknown Which I feel like the I would be scared of the unknown because that's all the I only knows about Knowledge we're all scared of the unknown Jossie

Well, you shouldn't be because it was a crap villain Yes, so I downloaded the script we can read some of it if you like. But the unknown, so the poor guy who was supposed to be Willy Wonka, who, there he is, God bless him. He actually looks just like Timothy Chalamet, so I know why they got him. But the name that they give him, that the AI gave him, was, hang on, Willie McDuff. Willie McDuff, I don't know. And the unknown. The unknown is an as-yet unknown, which is apt, actor wearing a kind of mannequin mask, unmovable,

and a grey, I'm going to say snood, but no, that's not themovable, and a gray, I'm gonna say snood, but no, that's not the right word. Like a moo moo, a gray moo moo. And he's hiding behind a mirror. And there's a video of this poor guy being like, watch out everybody! And then the unknown just comes out like this. That's very angular in the movements.

And it's not that it's bad. But it is that it's bad, but it is that it's bad. I'd love to read you a bit from the script. The best thing about the script is the AI, he's obviously said to the AI, AI, write me a brilliant script about Willie McDuff from the famous film,

taking people around his haunted warehouse. And the AI said, no problem. And the AI has just put in loads of things that the crowd would do. So halfway, like all the way through it will be like, the crowd leans in laughing and giggling. It's like, AI, you're a bit arrogant here. But my favorite part was,

and let's not forget our secret inventions. The soup-flavoured jelly beans, designed to keep the wee ones clean. Like AI, that's f***ing soap! It's kind of a soup and soap. Also, no child will be delighted by being kept clean, right? Second, hot and spicy beans that, and then it says in brackets, lowers his voice, attracts the birds, brackets, winks. That's a story for another day, Or perhaps a question for your parents.

Then, in brackets, the audience chuckles appreciating the playful innuendo. I mean, often the audience chuckles appreciating a playful innuendo. And then the thing that's the big thing that really the unknown is trying to steal, that he thinks children would be interested in, the AI, the anti-graffiti gobstopper, which according to the script, honestly the script is a delight, it's 15 pages long and you will

not be able to get through it. Behold the culmination of imagination and ingenuity, the anti graffiti gobstopper, a suite so powerful it can make any room sparkle without lifting a finger. Right. Firstly, why is the AI obsessed with cleanliness? And does it bode ill for the fact that soon, AIs will decide that we ourselves are a parasite to be cleaned?

Secondly, the unknown brackets sneering. That's right, McDuff. Imagine the chaos, the absolute power of turning tidiness into turmoil. What the f*** does that mean? And then the audience gasps, tension mounting as the two adversaries stand ready. Suddenly the room transforms into a battlefield

of lights and lasers. Willie uses a device resembling a futuristic remote, activating traps and illusions around the lab to thwart the unknown's advances. And then the guy was like, okay, so I've got all this stuff in the script. Where is it? And the guy went, just do your best.

It was a happy time for Glasgow. So what's that? The stuff from the start, the sweets, what's it sorry the cat cat cacating catchy turns the Exhausted Drain lollipops and a pacid ice of sweet teeth it's the same software that Robert Burns used Dead Animals news now this is what the people of Norwich have come to see in the Dead Animals section. Well, I mean, this is obviously your city with many, many churches. We're going to start with this story about this Dead Animals talk about dead lion and Christians being up in arms

that Lyle's golden syrup have changed their logo, the Lyle logo there, it's the oldest unchanged brand logo. It's been updated from the much loved decaying lion corpse being feasted on by bees. To a more generic one you can see on the bottle there, just a kind of generic super cool lion face not being feasted on by bees or not. Fresh out of the hairdressers. And people are absolutely f***ing furious. Now, I'll be honest, when when this story broke my initial thought was

how the f*** I never noticed that was the logo on golden syrup before who I mean Chris you hadn't noticed it did you? No Felicity did you know that? Let's do a quick straw poll of give me a cheer give me a cheer if you had noticed it give me a cheer if you hadn't so. Give me a cheer if you hadn't. So I think slightly more hadn't. Maybe that just shows how unobservant we are as a species. What about give us a cheer if you did notice it

and thought it was creepy or you've just accepted it your whole life. Yeah. Andy, look, I've been looking at this photograph for a couple of days now. And to some of us, Andy, Andy, ydych, ydych yn ymwneud y ffotograff i'r gweithio'r ddweud yma. A'r ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae'n ddweud yma, mae' It could possibly be that, but the origin of it is quite interesting. It was the, so Lyles, as was often the case in the 19th century, was a very Christian organization.

Personally, I'm not, as I said, I'm a God-fearing man, and that feeling is entirely mutual. But in the... I'm an Andy-fearing God. Mae'n antyfyrddio'n gof. Yn ymdyn nhw yw'r stori o Samson yn y Bible. Plathwn ymdyn nhw'n ymdyn nhw'n ymdyn nhw. Yn y stori o Samson, yw'r sloeg yn ymdyn nhw. Yn ymdyn nhw'n ymdyn nhw'n ymdyn nhw'n ymdyn nhw. Yn y stori o Samson, yw, y llyfr yng Nghymru, a'r ddemolisiwn cyfnod, y dyfodol Fred Dibner o'r Old Testament,

y cyfnod yma, a dyna'r ystod o'r Llyfr Gwyrdegol, oherwydd mae'n cyfrifio ar y llyfr, syud yn ymwneud yn ymwneud yn ymwne came something to eat out of the strong came something sweet. Lion corpse. Par Samsung. Poe om, poe farm. Poe zebra. So they use this story. And I thought, well, obviously, what's a better way to market syrup than a festering lion corpse with swarms of bees gnawing away on its decaying flesh?..a'r cyfnodd sy'n gweithio'r cyfnodd....y'r cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfnodd cyfn cael ei wneud, mae'n cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod yn cael ei bod reveals or a power drill. So that's why you need this kind of logo.

I read the article and I just thought only a Christian would grieve the loss of an image of a deadline being swarmed by bees. Let's get sentimental over a carcass. Come on guys, maybe, I was just thinking in the context of tonight, that this was actually just a 19th century premonition of India's richest man's son's wedding post Rihanna when the lions have got out feasted on half the guests and then been shot dead.

It's possible. It's definitely possible. Absolutely correct. Absolutely correct. Thank you Anavar. I appreciate the support. Thank you. If we attended this wedding we'd probably get to see this lion. Can I just say that working in advertising in the 1880s, whenever the syrup came out, seems far more interesting than working in advertising today. Are they definitely bees? Yeah, they're bees. Well, that's, I mean, that's bad advertising, because bees make honey, not golden syrup.

Well, they make golden syrup if they're using a lion corpse instead of a regular hive. Everything. I can't argue with the Bible. Um. Um. Um. Um.

Um. Um. Um. Um. Right, we all love giving gifts, and even more than that, we love receiving gifts. Um, an estimated 2% of people in the world Yn ymwneud, mae'n gifthu'r allan, ac yn ymwneud yn gifthu'r allan. Yn ymwneud, 2% o'r cyfnod yn ymwneud yn ymwneud yn y gweithio yn y gweithio yn y gweithio yma. A'r gweithio'n gweithio yn ymwneud yn ymwneud yn ymwneud. Yn ymwneud, mae'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gwe inclusive nation. And Vladimir Putin recently had to buy a birthday present for Kim Jong

Un, even though it wasn't actually his birthday. His buddy, his protogenist soulmates. And he got him an armoured car. Now what greater gifts can there be? Have you ever bought anyone an armoured car, Josie? I've lost count. Right. And what I love is, I love that this has to be news. Like these two weird guys behaving like 13 year olds in love, has to be news because they might also kill us all. And so whatever the weird, creepy stuff they do together, we have to be like, right, well,

I suppose that means that they're going to bring out nukes I suppose well oh my car but but the exciting thing is that apparently Putin's gift violates international law so this could be Putin's Al Capone moment we've got we've got him bang to rights on a gift wrap it's very exciting I mean it's a huge it's a very touching gifts Anuva from the Kremlin gremlin to the Pyongyang gangster a lovely new set of wheels and being both armored an Armacart Anna limousine the gift will enable Kim Jong-un to indulge his two favorite hobbies Which are not being assassinated and going on Hindus Look Yeah which are not being assassinated and going on Hindus. So it's... Look, Andy, you have a good point here. Look, we need to understand something about the world, right?

People who've been shot at will exchange gifts differently from people who haven't been shot at. Very wise words. This is making sense as to why Ronald Reagan got me that tank. Some other exciting gift news from America, New York Medical School has basically given free tuition to its students after a one billion dollar gift from a 93 year old woman...a'r ddweudio cyfnodd ychydig o'r ddweudio.....y'r ddweudio ym 1 billion ddweudio... ..y'r 93-year-old yw'r ddweudio. Felly, rydyn ni'n gofyn yw'r idea...

..y'r ddweudio meddwl sy'n gweithio... ..y'r ddweudio'r ddweudio'r ddweudio... ..y'r ddweudio'r ddweudio'r ddweudio... ..y'r ddweudio'r ddweudio'r ddweudio? Mae'r ddweudio yn ysgolwyr yn ysgolwyr yn gweithio. a bearing pressure of a lifetime of debt or is that just going to make them casual? Well, you got surgeons in Scotland doing great. Here's what I like this story so much because I'm so happy for those students and because it involves some of my favourite things, a billionaire being dead, a billionaire's money beingch yn ymddangos. Felly, rydyn ni'n ddweud i'r ymddangos, ac yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn ymddangos, fel y byddiwch yn y dyfodol. Mae'n ddweud yn ddweud yn ddweud, ac mae'n ddweud yn ddweud,

ac mae'n ddweud yn ddweud, mae'n ddweud yn ddweud, ac mae'n ddweud yn ddweud, ac mae'n ddweud yn ddweud, ac mae'n ddweud yn ddweud, ac mae'n ddweud, mae'n ddweud, mae'n ddweud,

mae'n ddweud, mae'n ddweud, mae'n meddwl i'r cyfnodd yn ymweld i'r cyfnodd yn ymweld i'r freitwysiwn. Mae'n meddwl. Mae'n meddwl. Felly, mae'n meddwl. Mae'n meddwl i'r cyfnodd yn ymweld i'r cyfnodd. Mae'n meddwl i'r cyfnodd, sef Tympo 2022. Mae'n meddwl i'r cyfnodd, sef Tympo 2022. Mae'n meddwl i'r cyfnodd, sef Tympo 2022. Mae'n meddwl i'r cyfnodd, sef Tympo 2022.

Mae'n meddwl i'r cyfnodd, sef Tympo 2022. And how should live enough the interest, no doubt, and that's just giving it away. But I've been thinking about it. And so if all it takes is one billionaire to die for all of those people into perpetuity to get free tuition. So what I'm thinking is, if we kill, there's 3,194 billionaires, if we kill them all, that's basically, at least all the medical degrees in the East Coast of America. Rwy'n meddwl, mae'n meddwl i'r meddwl yn y Cymru yma. Ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, ond, on And I know what you're thinking and yes we can kill Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos

215 and 199 times respectively due to tech developed by Peter Thiel and that weird anti-aging dad guy Brian Johnson Who in turn will then be killed point four of a time and seven point three times four of a time and seven point three times. I was trying to find something that you might like and I couldn't do it. I'm starting to understand how people hear my cricket stats. Thank you very much for listening. The talk continues and you can be there at Logistics Permitting on the 9th of March in Cambridge, the 10th in Birmingham,

16th at the Warwick Arts Centre, 24th in Leeds, 28th in Edinburgh and 30th at the Lowry in Sulford. Details and ticket links at theBuglePodcast.com where you can also join the Bugle Voluntary Subscription Scheme to help keep the show free, flourishing and independent. Plugs time now to hear more of the wonderful bugle co-host you've been listening to this week. Go to jocelong.com, that's for stuff about Jocelong rather than Felicity or AnuVab. Jocie is also doing some shows as part of the Glasgow International Comedy Festival at the end of this month.

Felicity Ward.com, Felicity's doing shows around Australia over the next couple of months and AnuVab is touring his show The Department of Britishness around the UK in May and June details about that and all his other stuff at AnuVabPAL.com. We will be back next week with highlights from our shows in Cambridge, featuring Josh Gondelman and Alice Fraser and Birmingham with Neil Dalamir and NATO Green. Until then, in nominate bullshit, amen.