The Bugle - Assad Day For World Peace

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

Bashar Al Assad is back, LMFAO. Also, G7, Suella Braverman, sinking New York and kissing. Andy is with Josie Long and Nish KumarWhy not check out 15 years of top stories: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/topstories.Featuring:Andy ZaltzmanJosie LongNish KumarProduced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglison. Welcome to issue 4,264 of the Sorry, I've got to take this Bugle global communications incorporated

You want to speak to whom sorry, let me get a pen just say it name again How he's spelling that? See for Charlie so sorry Z for zoops. I was said in this country get a LP sorry tea So sorry Z for zoops, so it's Z in this country Get a L P sorry T See again, sorry Z again. Yeah M a is a M or N N N for nonsense. Okay, so I'll I'll I'll put you through please hold a moment Hello, Andy's ultimate speaking. Yes, I am that Andy's ultimate Well, I only did that show once. How can I help? Sorry? Sorry, you're offering what? A service that automatically generates concise focus beginnings to podcasts. Now, I don't think we're looking at moving in that direction.

What do you mean you can't show a benefit from getting straight into the what you describe as real content? No, I don't think that is necessarily true. Well, who exactly do you mean by everyone? Is there really such a thing as two conceptual? Look, mate, now's not a good time, I've got to get on with the show. Look, this has really not helped get the show going. No, it does not prove your point.

You cannot speak to a producer, Chris, and said, let me get the show started before everyone stops listening. Do what instead? It is not that kind of show. But thank you for your call. Hello, sorry about that beginning. This is the bugle, it's issue 4,264. It's 20 second and made 2023.

And I am joined this week by two guests again. Firstly, that's all the introduction they need. Firstly, for the, I believe, officially, umpteenth time on the bugle, it's Nish Kumar, hello Nish. Hello um, taint the time on the Bugle. It's Nish Kumar. Hello, Nish. Hello, Andrew. You know, when you said, uh, just bear with me because I've got

a really silly opening today. Yep. And look of dread filled on the Zoom call, uh, with concern about what something you would caveat as being very stupid would be. I think you absolutely delivered on it. That's good. I think you absolutely delivered on it. Delivered, that's good. I think you absolutely delivered on it.

It delivered on it. Also joining us for the second time on the Bugle. A warm welcome back to Josie Long. Hello, thanks for having me back. Well, thanks for, thanks for coming out. You have a book coming out this week. I do. It's a book of short stories.

Well, there we go. We usually do plugs at the end, but tell us. Let's do it all the way through. Okay. I'll try and work it into each of these actions. Well, I mean, what is news by the collection of short stories? Really? When you think of it in those terms. I will say this has been form-breaking for the Beagle as a podcast in terms of having the plug early but it has continued the long-standing tradition of plugging things appallingly. Now I'm just going to the title or the type of book comes out. You got to leave a bit of mystery. Yeah, we'll solve that mystery which is and a mystery can be a short story at the end of this podcast.

We turn out that Nish did it. It is the 22nd of May 2023 and wanted it to be recording because it is today just 568 years since the wars of the roses kicked off at the first battle of St. Albans on the 22nd of May 1455 Richard Duke of York to feed and captured Henry the 6th of England who of course have become King as a baby if if you're good enough, you're old enough as the old monarchy saying goes. And the Battle of Snowblans was a pretty piss poor effort to be honest, but it did start the Wars of the Roses, the three decades squabble that resulted in lots of people being hacked to death in battle, including celebrity car park resident Richard, not as bad as Shakespeare

suggested the third, who was hacked to death in the manifestement at the time at the Battle of Bosworth in 1485. It all kicked off as I said this day in 1455, the Battle of St Albans, a half hour effort with disappointingly few people being hacked to death, not really what the fans wanted to see from a 15th century battle to be honest, but things picked up. And just six years later at the Battle of Toulton, the hacking to death element of the war had become so advanced that in a 10 hour slaughter fest, an estimated 28,000 people were hacked to death in a single day of all action, metal clanging flesh, blotting mayhem in Yorkshire.

That, of course, is the upper end of the estimate, but f***ing it's 2023. Let's talk about the past like we talk about the present. It was at least 28,000 if not millions But it's 20,000 that would have been over 1% of the entire population of England killed in a single day of hand-to-hand combat You've got to admire the work rates Involved in that I just don't think our youngsters would put the effort in these days It's estimated that the battle involved over 3% of the entire population of the country. So it's the equivalent today of 2 million people meeting for a right-old ruck in the

St. Jamesbury's car park in Tadcaster. Do you know what, though? That would be a great day to, like, go to the swimming pool. You know, like, you know, in this, like, a World Cup final, and you've got the garden center or something, and it's deserted. And you know what, actually, if you were interested in buying an axe,

perversely, that's the best day. Right, you don't have any shoulder. Yeah, surely all the axiops are sold out. I'd be fair, if you run the axe shop and you're not going to the BOW You won't get respected in the future Well, because you want to get some pictures of your actions being used Desperately try to draw and pay this quickly is humanly possible

As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, a patent or patent section, whichever you want to call it, also linked to anniversaries in 1849, Abraham Lincoln was issued a patent for an invention to lift boats up, making him apparently the only American president ever to hold a patent. And in 1906, the Wright brothers were given a patent for their so-called flying machine. So to commemorate these historic moments, we look at some of the most exciting current patents pending, waiting for clearance before they are unleashed on the market, including the Stroptech Tantrum Helmet. In today's angry, highly strong,

conflictional world, we all like to wobble out every now and again, and the patent-pending Stroptech Tantrum Helmet is 99%proof, vacuuming closed with extra oxygen pumped in for peak rant endurance, and is set to be the must have fury tech accessory in the second half of this decade, with its one way mirage surface to give you facial privacy whilst ranting incandescently about the universe. The tantrum helmet also offers reassuring validation of any opinions expressed in your tantrum, no matter how fruitually worded or socially unacceptable, with a range of thumbs up and smiley-faced emotive projected directly into your eyeballs, recommended for use by inhabitants of all known in habitable planets.

And also the productivision anti-sleep chair, which comes with a built-in wasps nest, it's the latest corporate efficiency aid patent pending on that as well, which of course previous efforts have included the bladder wassellerator, which claims to reduce the time taken for office workers to urinate by an average of 12.7 seconds per was, which could save the average office-based company up to 364 million pounds of it, just 4,000 years with other warranty only last for two years. So that patent section is in the bin. Didn't bladder wassellerite to play for the Indian cricket team in the early 20th century?

I think it might have done, yeah. I'll check my stats. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Top story this week. Come back news. Well, we all love a bit of nostalgia. Hence the popularity of vintage clothing, period dramas, 60-year-old snap rappers washing up on the beach as a metaphor for the decline of human civilization, patriotism and dressing up like a baby and paying someone to congratulate you for vomiting. But not every comeback is welcome. And it seems that Bashar Alasad, the Damascus douchebag, the Syrian serial shithead, the Bar-Arthist, Bar-Archit, Crazy Bar-Arsted, the notoriously uncivil civil warmonger and striperfile, has weedle warmed his way back into mainstream politics. The I'm sexy and I know it fan, appeared

at the Arab League summit in South Saudi Arabia, and it even told his fellow legos that he hoped his Elvistar comeback would herald a new era of peace. Now I know, Nish and Josie, you're both massive fans of the concept of peace. I mean, how do you feel to see Bashar al-Assad suddenly jumping on the peaceful bandwagon after all these years? Well, listen, it's a multi-level disappointment. Obviously, it's a disappointment to see Assad be welcoming back into the international fold, but it's a double disappointment that he didn't go full Elvis and do it in a black leather suit with his name spelled out in red lights behind it Yeah, if you're gonna come back come back Can I say something that is not clever and I'm not proud of it?

That's pretty much the much that's pretty much the motto of this podcast However, the fuck say that in Latin. But I spent a lot of time listening to people make jokes about people's appearances. And often with like a middle aged man, people are so they look like a thumb or especially that's how they look like a bollock. And aside as the first person when today I was looking at the photo and I was like, ah, but he really does. Like his face, there's a photo of him looking to one side and I was like, this man is the embodiment of a bullseye from the locker. And I know it's not about his conduct or anything like that, but I feel like it's my moral responsibility to point this fact out. And how much do you think that the facts, as you described, that he looks like a nager,

has influenced the way he's conducted his life. I mean, is this a rebellion against, against the difficulty of looking like a testicle? It's cup-gresk. Yeah. He woke up one morning. Yeah. It's interesting psychologically.

Nish, Basar Alisa, as discussed on the bugle many years ago, was used to listen to I'm sexier and I know that's very much your internal soundtrack whenever you walk on stage or start recording the bugle. Yeah, I remember that story being covered on this podcast And yeah, it was because they seized some of his assets including his iTunes purchase history, right? And that's how we found out he had purchased and I guess we have to assume listen to L.M.F.I.O So I'm saying see and I know it. I don't know if he listened to that again to Jim self up before the speech but it's definitely worth bearing in mind. Also, weird fact about L.O.F.A.O. they are an uncle and

an nephew, which I don't think ever gets that. It is very... That's illegal! I feel retrospectively disgusted that I enjoyed that song. Yeah, it's definitely very, very strange. He addressed the summit of the Arab League, which was taking place in Saudi Arabia, already a bad start. What is this? An international football tournament?

Anyway, he said that the summit was a historic opportunity to address crises around the, across the region and said he hoped it marked the beginning of a new phase of Arab action and called for peace in our region, development prosperity instead of war and destruction. And it is a very strange thing. I guess when you start making these speeches, you've got to start with your first audience,

which is yourself. So maybe this was a really profound moment of self-reflection from Assad. He also said that it was important to leave internal affairs to the country's people as they were best able to manage their own affairs. Which again, is he talking to himself? Because I'm pretty sure he wasn't too worried about foreign interference when he was allowing Vladimir Putin to arm him so he can bomb his own fucking people. This is a pretty extraordinary piece of, I guess, historic amnesia from the league. There were various protests in Syria and some of the protests side said Syria cannot be

represented by a sound of the criminal. But listen, big represented by criminal at this point in human history, that's just par for the course. That's just absolutely par for the course. We just... It would feel weird not to be. And also you've got to think, you know, 12 years ago he started a civil war in his own country. But now everyone's bored of it. So yeah, that's how those things work. The Emmy of guitar walked out before a big bash began his speech. No, it feels moat, I think we've all been there. But I mean, even so, I said return to international today, the fact that his return did not take the form of him confirming his name and home address before hearing a list of charges.

That sits uneasily, I think, but then he was not a fan of state or unviolence oppression and genocide. We did actually ask Bashar al-Assad to appear on the bugle to give his side of the story, but he said he was busy. So, unfortunately, he can't, he can't, I mean what's, I mean what does this portend for the the future of the Syria and the entire region? Do you remember when ranges were really corrupt? Yeah, and they got and demoted to the very bottom leak. Yeah, so that's what happened I think he's like he was kicked out the Arab League and he had to do just home fixtures. Right, work his way up. kick up the arrowbleague and he had to do just home fixtures. Right, work is way up. Back in through the...

Yeah. And now, because obviously work is way back up. Right. And so people have to just ignore what happened before. It's an interesting Glasgow perspective. So you're living Glasgow, I don't even know. You're seeing everything through the... I do not, I live for the Rangers.

Right. If I lived in Glasgow, because I'm Jewish, I couldn't support either Ranger. I think I'd be part, I just part, this is all the Jewish club, I forget. I've got how I work. I've got how I work. I've got how I work. I've got how I work.

I've got how I work. I've got how I work. I've got how I work. I've got how I work. I've got how I work. I've got how I work. I've got how I work. I've got how I work.

I've got how I work. I've got how I work. I've got how I work. I've got how I work. I've got how I work. Retro! The love for dead not speak its name. He didn't even go the normal route for rehabilitating a disgrace reputation and starting his own YouTube account. That's we all know. That's the route. He should have been doing from facing videos where he talked about crack pot conspiracy theories to recover from being publicly disgraced He should be on Joe Rogan. Yeah, he should he should have gone straight on Rogan that's that that's the traditional route for rehabilitating your public perception

Is smoking a fat Stogi with Joey Rogues. Maybe that's why I said it was too busy to come on the bugle Yeah, it's another sad day in the history of international relations. It is, but I am so eternally in awe of Syrian people and the fact that they continue after 12 years of like brutal civil war to be so kind of just indomitable. That's a word that I only read and it's very hard to say. But it is incredible and I think about it in terms of the UK where basically we go on one ten demo once and then talk about how it failed for the rest of our lives and about how that really turned us off politics for a generation. I feel like that is the inspirational part. The local council puts up a ballard we disagree with them, we just vowed never to leave the house again for all of our lives. But it wasn't just, I said, speaking at the Arab

League aside from some excellent football banter between the leaders, about whose sports, watching efforts are winning most silver, and some fun golf chat about which professional golf was a particularly enjoying the war in Yemen. The League also hosted a Ukraine leader of Lodemir Zalensky, and Zalensky accused Arab leaders and other leaders around the world of turning a blind eye to Russia's invasion

and human rights atrocities. I do think Zalensky is wrong on this. I don't think it's a question of turning a blind eye. I don't think any of the leaders he pin-pointed Arab or otherwise who've given active or tacit support for Putin in the last 15 months have turned the blind eye. I think they looked at the situation with perfectly functioning eyes and decided, yeah, well, we'll just let that slide. So it's not, I don't think it's a question of, of blind Iness. It's that term. It's also a big swing to a keyst people have having turned

the blind eye at a conference hosted by Bajamid, Bill bin Salman, a man who turned the blind eye to himself ordering a germist to be chopped up and put in a bin. Like, bin Salman, I mean, that guy turns like peaky a resinnidine Zidat. Who, who he probably would, would have, would have signed. It was possible. I mean, if Zidat does at some point now become manager of Newcastle, we will listen back to this.

Yeah. No. Yeah, I don't know about this because it's not Scottish football. I was a landscape told the Arab League big weeks that Ukraine was defending itself from quotes, colonizers and imperialists. And that's a pair to invoke the Arab world's own history of invasion and occupation. After all the support, we in Britain have given you crane and he starts slacking off colonizers and imperialists. That is the end-ground you guys. Highest water. To Zalitsky. You can have a go at the

Beatles next. Jesus Christ. I just saying that Ringo's songs are not very good. And after Paul was replaced with cyborg, he's downhill. I'd like to apologise for that accent. That's when he knows he's given two ready speeches. What's one of those litski starts going off about ringos output within the Beatles? And then you get a response from Ringo like, peace and love. I love it. I'd like a summit between the two of them. The Zalensky Star Summit. Zalensky Star, yeah.

Yeah. Well, I think that I mean, and you're excluding Paul McCarnish from that. You don't want to get, you know, the other... Paul's busy. Right. He's still touring. And you're excluding Paul McCarnish from that. You don't want to get the other... Paul's busy. Right. He's still touring. Maybe you could set him up to negotiate with Putin. I don't know if you were...

Come on! Come on, I love to hear your ballerike is rigging out. I've been very clear about my feelings about Russian culture. Come on, keep your comrades warm. So let's also, I've now just bankrupted the bugle by Quote's Beag does lyrics. So you miss, you miss Belldom, so it's fine. Oh, yeah, that's, I'm about how it turns up in transcript.

The, as evidenced by the fact that I I stayed clear of mentioning his back in the US RS. That's out of copy right now. So Lensky also, well yeah very busy, he attended the G7 meeting in Japan. That's right. The G7, the spiritual home of the non-binding verbal agreement was back in action last week. The leaders of the 7.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2. Japan. That's right. The G7, the spiritual home of the non-binding verbal agreement was back in action last week. The leaders of the seven qualifying nations met in the city of Hiroshima in Japan. Canada and USA, of course, qualified from the North American qualifying competition. Germany, France, UK, and Italy from Europe. And Japan represented Asia, Africa, South America, Australia, and Antarctica and the rest of the universe. Plus, special wildcard guest stars are European Union, which is a non-enumerated member of the G7. I think my member was enumerated at eight days, although I'm not a member,

but trying to show what that function that plays. But anyway, it was, you call it the European Union, the discarded foreskin of the G7. But that somehow was the anything Nigel Farage has said about the European Union. The aim of the meat, the various discussions at the meeting, including further clamp downs on Russia, and also aiming to reduce the reliance on China economically. And from a British perspective, I would say that's quite simply achieved. You're not to reduce our reliance on China. All we need to do is switch our manufacturing sector back on.

If we can find the switch and mend the fuse and actually where do we leave them? I think it's in the attic. Or was it in the shed? I'm mixing up with the Dhumidifier. Or perhaps we sold it on eBay. But anyway, we'll just sort it out. What are the highlights for you from the G7 summit, which we've covered a lot of G7s on the Dube, isn't it? It's various forms. I'm just really devastated that they're putting sanctions

on diamonds. For a long time, I was like, how does this war affect me and that was It's really biting. Yeah, you know, right You were gonna get diamond grills on your teeth. Where do you just? Yeah me me and bear it was I think Why did my brain do that? I think it's funny to describe China as a threat to economic security when that basically is just like you're doing better than us and we don't like it. I'm going to start like describing other comedians as a threat to my career. I was thrilled to see Italy there obviously because it's always good at the G7 to have

Fringe, Whack, Job, Right Wing conspiracy nutcase is represented. It's very important, it's been a couple of years since Trump and now we've got George and Marley back off there representing the QAnon and Borderline QAnon community. And Nish, have you forgotten the UK there? Oxfam said in advance of the summit that G7 countries are currently demanding around about $230 million a day in debt repayments from low and middle income countries. Because, and I think this is good. A lot of people say, this is further evidence of the exploitation by the wealthy, of the less wealthy, but we,

G7sters, we know the importance of sound financial management and of not getting yourself into unaffordable debt. And that message carries particular weight coming from countries such as the USA, with its $31 trillion dollars of debt and the UK with our tidied little government debt which currently runs at 100.2% of GDP. We know how these kind of things can skew and fracture your politics and economy and we will not let our lower middle income buddies make the same mistakes. So I mean it's I think this is one of the greatest things that the same mistakes. So I mean, I think this is one of the greatest things that the G7 are doing is dredging the last pennies from less fortunate countries for their own good. It does sort of suggest the fundamental problem with all of this in that you're not actually

going to solve world problems if you don't invite people whose countries are being most directly affected by the problems in the world. Like it's like an out of touch organisation, which is obviously not helped by the fact that their first priority of the sanctions was diamond based. Britain news now and the Home Secretary, so while I brav'em all together, her full title, the baffingly appointed then reappointed and still in post-Home Secretary, so well a bravmoral, to give her her full title, the baffingly appointed, then reappointed and still in post-Home Secretary to her bravmant is once again in the news. This time, it's been alleged that bravmant having received a speeding ticket, which is not a big deal in the grand political scheme of political things, then our civil servants to sort out a private driving awareness course, rather than having to do

a standard course with members of the voting public, according to the Times NewsPaper, which ran the story officials, refused the request to become involved in her personal affairs after taking advice from the Cabinet Office for Priority and Ethics team. Did she break the ministerial code? Is the question that we should be here in quite a lot regarding leading politicians, a government source, denied she broke it, but it's unsurprising, isn't it, that these allegations have been allocated. This idea of breaking a ministerial code, because it seems that at the moment the government breaks the ministerial code as frequently as promises wind or the hearts of British democracy fans. I know you're both huge fans of

Swela Braviman and have the tattoos to prove it. This must have been difficult for you to see this news this week. I mean, do I want her to be punished and resigned? Yes. Why is it the curse of being engaged with politics that you have to see these horrific moral vacuums going down for like a minor each infraction of the rules. Like, did I want to see Ted Bundy punish for not finishing his Lorde agree? It's very hard to be like having to come out to support the the team I love, which is conservative, being humiliated and brought to justice,

but it's like the team are only playing against mascots for a charity event. I'm trying to do sports matter for his fee, but... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I do appreciate that, Joe. That's not necessarily your natural MO. I appreciate the fact that you're doing that for me. For the other part. Yeah, I mean, it is a kind of bizarre, it's slightly sort of technical thing, but a senior level 7 interviewed on the BBC

said these actions reported to be quotes, a real lapse of judgment, which at least, and this is a step forward from Bravaman's normal lapses of judgment, which are pretend performative lapses of judgment, which drive her policy. So, how many is this a sign that things are getting better? Well, I don't know if it's things getting better so much as it is absolute consistency, which we often castigate politicians for lacking. We often say they're inconsistent with their expression

of their values, but breaking the ministerial code is the most consistent thing, so I'll have Bradford just stop. It's her thing. It's her thing. She had to leave the job that she currently holds previously because she'd sent an official document from her personal email, which is obviously a serious breach

of a number of different laws and regulations. But then within six days, she was back in the same job after that Rishi Seenak decided that it would be better to have somebody who'd just been sacked from the job imposed for his own sort of personal ambition. One of the cabinet ministers at the time gave it off the record briefing, which described her as a joke, who shouldn't be anywhere near high office. Unfortunately, that is the job description and this character is the concept of pie. It is very important that you are a joke who ends up being nowhere near high office. There is an interesting sort of glut of stories about Bravaman of which this is one.

There's another one that's come out today saying that she tried to skip a vote on a migrant's bill that she had kind of pushed forward so that she could do a vote opportunity at a police station. And the thing with all of this is there's a sense that she's pissed off a lot of the Conservative Party and she's done it most recently because last week she addressed something called the National Conservatives andism Conference, which was a conference that Labour MP Thuncombe Debener described as Conservatives Conspiracy Comic Con, because she said, I love a bit of a litteration. Now, I will say to you, Thuncombe, if you love a bit of a litteration, you've missed an absolute open goal there, because it was absolutely Comic Con for f**ks. I cannot tell you what an open goal you've shagged. Oh imagine her saying that in politics life. This was actually in Parliament which would have been even better.

It would have been even better if she called it comic-con for f***ing. Yeah it was a real festival of the deranged. They were all sorts of whack job theories put forward. And all sorts of, I guess we could be generously calling them snafu, including the journalist Douglas Murray, describing the first and second world war as an instance of German nationalism having mucked up. The great muck up. Yes.

That's how I, that's how, that in my synopsis for the film Shindler's List, it begins with the phrase, well, Germany had mucked up, and now it was time for big O to step up. Well, that's right up in the, I mean, the pantheon of great British understatements is a well-packed pantheon. That's right up there.

I feel most let down by the fact that it was hosted at the Natural History Museum. You know, they're inviting people who don't believe in the exhibit to speak underneath them. But I feel most let down by the staff on the day because all there's so many cupboards that they could have pushed them into and locked them into and in the long term it would have been an attraction to visitors. Yeah and I guess in some ways you know it's a good place to do a conference surrounded by physical metaphors for your political idea. Also for some of the attendees, I think some of the exhibits were in their target demographic. But on this, this braverman's alright, I mean, it doesn't it's by far from the, it's far from the worst thing that she has done and all the things

that could bring her down. It's been described, It's been put forward as more evidence of a conspiracy to bring down Bravaman, which now involves not just the left wing cabal of secret rathelike apparitions that have been allegedly running the Conservative government since 2010, according to some newspapers, but also the speedometer on her car, her own poor judgment and some of her fellow Conservative MPs. Now this was a story from April, in this year, William Rag, Conservative MP tweeted this, this evening having kept quite for a while, I was struck by the lamentable hopelessness of the home secretary, remembering particularly her first week or so as an MP, my clearest recollection of our Home Secretary's legal acumen came from her first day. We had a presentation from

the Expenses Watchdog, the IPSA. Her question concerned whether a speeding ticket incurred during the course of parliamentary duties could be claimed on expensive. This woman then became a turni general that leading a big lawyer in the country and a home secretary. So this is the context of why people are looking for anything to assist the process of helping the country. This is like when murderers do a murder,

and the first thing they do is Google search, how to get away with a murder and the first thing they do is Google search how to get away with a murder And they think to themselves I'm a criminal mastermind because I deleted it afterwards I but I also think it's unfair To judge a conservative because basically she just got confused Between which of her servants she was addressing between which of her servants she was addressing. It's not her fault, if anything, they've given her too many servants. How she's supposed to know they're not the house ones.

They're the civil ones. When last week she was also in the news for saying there was no good reason that Britain can't train up enough HGV drivers, butchers or fruit pickers in her efforts to restrain net migration, which under her and her governments watch seems to be skyrocketing in the aftermath of the Brexit that was voted into bring it down. And so of course there's no good reason but there are plenty of fucking bad reasons, the same bad reason if you don't train up enough of any other useful job in this country because we can't be asked and it's fucking cheaper not to. So you could try a full on though. So what you got to try the HGV, cut the head off a pig, hold that while you shove it full of apples.

head of a pig, hold that while you shove it full of apples. Well, I'd watch it. Chris, as a triathlete, is that, um, is that one of the things? You know, it's, it's an event that doesn't always get a huge, huge audience, but I mean, do you think involving a bit of, um, pig slaughter and fruit stuff, which would help triathlon? Look, endurance sport, yeah, often brings you close to shitting yourself. And I think this only brings you that little bit.

It's all fine. New York is sinking news now. And well, this is bad news for the big apple. New research and sentences that begin new research, never and well these days, and shown that New York is sinking by up to 100 meters a year. It's actually only one to two millimeters a year, but that is within the up to 100 meter bracket. So again, let's talk it up. Why is New York sinking? Well, partly because it never sleeps and poor sleeping patterns can really affect your overall health. But also, it's possibly because of the woke. But largely, it's because it's skyscrapers are so heavy that the city is plummeting at break-net speed

towards the Earth's merciless molten core. And if it carries on sinking at the current rate of one to two millimeters a year, it will drill through the center of the planet and emerging the Indian ocean about a thousand miles off the coast of Western Australia in just 640 million years time. This is obviously a huge concern for those who have long-term property leases in New York, but they might end up in the Indian

Ocean in well under a billion years from now. It's got to be a bit of a concern when your skyscrapers are sinking me entire city. I worry that there's no way to De-insentivise the building of them Because if I was building a very high building and somebody says to me, well, what's happening is this is sinking into the city. My first reaction would be Build higher see my first reaction would be build higher. You might as well say it's floating. We couldn't even say that because if somebody said to me New York is beginning to float into the air, my immediate reaction would be build higher. The researchers size-shame celebrity skyscrapers, including the Empire State Building, the new one-world trade centre, the Chrysler Building and the Trump Tower, which actually weighs as much as all the other Manhattan Cloudbotherers combined due to the inescapable gravitational

mass of pure darkness within. But I mean, this is a worry for all human, well, not just cities, but even villages, you think the weight of a house could, it seems, fracture the earth's crust these days, because everyone is just so over sensitive, even this planet Earth itself. I'll tell you who is a huge, huge worry for. It's a huge, huge worry for the Ninja Turtles.

These guys already below ground in New York. So, I mean, they're already, I'm concerned for sewage flooding, but yeah, it's also, is it possible that Manhattan can no longer house the offices of Fox News because the presenters have become so thick to cause a drag on the entire land mass? Is that, have we considered that as a possibility? He's the big sport. But we haven't. Yeah. It's their only hope because what they're doing is manufacturing so much hot air that eventually it will lift it up. They just won't be able to control the direction. So we're going to have to somehow tether Manhattan islands islands if it floats out to the Atlantic I guess that's

that's not so much of an issue but if it floats inland could land a new jersey would be absolutely but it's gonna end in burglary again wouldn't it? I'll tell you what though we'll be in for a hell of a Bruce Bringsley album. I just really like that the guy doing the research is a geophysicist and he's got such a physicist brain on it that he was like if you get repeated exposure to sea water you can corrode the steel and destabilise buildings which you clearly don't want and then as an afterthought flooding also kills people which is I guess probably the greatest concern also kills people which is probably the greatest concern. He doesn't care about that, he's not interested.

Old news now and more research has shown that humans, the celebrity species, began romantically kissing each other four and a half thousand years ago earlier than had previously been thought. It does raise the question this. What the fuck were they doing before that? I mean, were people just getting straight down to it? For all the many thousands and thousands of years of evolution that brought humanity to the point where the smooch was invented for an a thousand years ago. Was it just pure business? Also, what was the non-romantic kissing that was going on? I've done a lot of that. Previous Canoodling experts have suggested that romantic kissing spread

either from South Asia three and a half thousand years ago or from France. Or from France around the same time that the struggle was invented or just in the 1960s. But this new research has shown that Egyptians were smoothing each other as early as two and a half thousand BC and who can blame them with their golden beers and slinky swinks were and their elaborate sarcophagi and their big pointy corpse holders. Oh yeah. Mr. Potaymum is also at it, something about being in between the big rivers, Tigris and Euphrates, which when looked at from space, do look alarmingly like a pair of seductive

lips puckering out for a snog. But I mean, what does this tell us about human civilization, Josie, that it took us so fucking long to get to, to invent the snog? Well, I was just excited because they were able to update their knowledge because they found ancient Mesopotamian texts that said that a married woman would come close to being unfaithful after a kiss and an unmarried woman was vowing to avoid kissing and having sex and that text was Grazia magazine. Wow, I guess that we also have to credit this as the invention of for plate because presumably if they weren't to grow romantic kissing they weren't you know warming up with some hand stuff.

But I think there might be something completely different that we don't know about, because it wasn't very good. My daughter, who is four, invented a thing with her friend, where they pulled down their pants and ran at each other's buttocks backwards. Right. And they called it a bum high five. Right. You say invented, but you obviously haven't studied the history of British private schools and the sport that emerged there from in the middle of the century. Some of which became codified

into the sports we know today, others which sadly lost a history. That brings us to the end of this week's Bueville. We hope you found it suitably eliminating and educational as always. So Josie tell us more about the Longer Wighted book. It's called because I don't know what you mean and what you don't and it's about a lot of overthinking, overanxious characters and their short stories and some of them are funny and some of them are very dark. So there's something for everyone except for people who don't like my work. There's nothing to them. I've actually read the book and I thought it was brilliant.

It's really, really good. There you go. It has the official Nishkumar seal of approval. Yeah, that's as official as it gets. So once it's in the shops on, is it the 25th? The 25th, oh, thank you. I've got the date out. F*** it out. And you're also doing some live tour shows?

I am, yeah, please have a look at my Twitter and Instagram at Jocelyn and you'll be able to see all the dates. There you go. Details on the internet. Nish, you have a new podcast. I have a news podcast. I'm now doing double bubble on the news. I've done the news podcast, and then I'm doing this show that makes fun of news. Right. I'm doing, yeah, it's called PodSafe the UK and it's available wherever you get your podcasts. You can also hear me on the news quiz,

which is half-ish way through the current series and get that on BBC Sounds. Thank you for listening. We will play you out now with more contributors to the Bugal Wall of Fame. If you want to join the Bugal voluntary subscription scheme to keep the show free, flourishing, and independent, go to thebugalpodcast.com and click the donate button.

Our voluntary subscribers on the wall of fame this week have all developed computer simulations to find out what would happen if people and things from history did things that they didn't actually do and vice versa. Drew Boning ran a computer simulation on large statues and discovered that if they came to life, the colossus of Rhodes would ask the statue of Liberty out on a date, but the statue of Liberty would turn the colossus down. Simon Kassels' computer simulation focused on what 15th century influencer Joan of Arc would have got up to if she had been around in the late 20th century.

Perhaps due to a rogue algorithm, it suggested that Joan would have been a top 10 ranked tennis player who would have won the 1997 French Open during which one of the commentators would have unwittingly said she was on fire. Derek Mead, found at William Shakespeare had he been around in the 1950s, would have written a mixture of film dramas about polar expeditions and Queen Victoria, advertising jingles for domestic goods and reports on football matches in the West Midlands. Similarly, but differently, Sam Bergman found that if Taylor Swift had been Jonathan Swift and vice versa, 18th century music would have been considered reliably, and 21st century pop would have had

more songs about eating babies. Nathan Clifford discovered that if 17th century painting star Artemisia Gentileschi had been a prehistoric cave painter, she'd have done pictures of Bison. Really excellent ones though, but it was just the way people rolled in those days artistically. For his part, Ian Horsey ran a computer sim on Cubism star Picasso to find out what heat have churned out if he'd been an ancient Roman, which he obviously wasn't. The upshot of that was some computer-generated frescoes that, shall we say, were not suitable for work, plus a weird sculpture of Julius Caesar with three noses on a guitar.

On the subject of the ancient world, Richard Perrin calculated that if Abraham Lincoln had been an ancient Athenian, not only would he have had a different taste in headwear, and probably been a little bit safer in theatres, but he would have spoken Greek, and still made moving speeches about battles. Victoria Godfrey stuck 9th century algebra pioneer Al Quarismi through her version of this software, blocked him into the 19th century, and found that he would, in fact, have invented the smartphone in 1867. And similarly, Rob Abram concluded that the internet would have been developed almost

a thousand years early, if only B. Shen, the Song Dynasty Chinese printing pioneer, had got a bit of venture capital funding to push his ideas on a little bit further and a little bit faster. Thank you to all our contributors to the Bugle Wall of Fame.