The Bugle - AUKUS Gets Awkward (4205)

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

Andy, Alice and Anuvab discuss submarines down under, politics with a punch in the Philippines, and the latest on face masks, remember them? (UK, we're looking at you).We are funded entirely by you, the listener. Listeners who sign up via OUR NEW WEBSITE thebuglepodcast.com have long enjoyed the opportunity to get: mentions on the show (in the form of lies), merchandise and general sense of wellbeing for supporting this fine work of art. As of this week you can also support the show directly via Apple Podcasts. Our new channel ‘Team Bugle’ also includes The Gargle and Tiny Revolutions, shows which currently carry ads - but they will be completely ad free on this channel. So if you love The Bugle, and it’s siblings, then please support The Bugle via our website or Apple Podcasts where you can subscribe today.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch - COLD AND WET WEAVER T SHIRTS ON SALE NOW). Listen to The Gargle here: https://pod.link/GargleFollow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserAnuvab PalAnd produced by Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-U-A-U-A-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U-A-U Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugglers, and welcome to issue 4205 of the Bugal Audio newspaper for a visual world. The show where news comes to die. I'm reporting to you from the Shed of Truth.

I'm Andy Zoltzmann. It is for the first time in history, Monday the 20th of September 2021, and I'm joined this week to discuss their latest novels by Hampshire's very own Jane Austen and a man who's just published his debut work of fiction, Mickey the Magic Teapot. It's former American president Calvin Coolidge. Calvin, starting with what, what, what do you mean they can't make it? What, neither of them? Is this an internet thing to the, to the, to the, to the, to the zoom?

They don't have zoom? Well, what the f***? Dead! Both of them! That's bad. Have we got backups? Right, we better go to the bench. Joining me this week, all the way from the world's most aquatic hemisphere on one of the very rare landy bits in Sydney, Australia, it's Alice Fraser. Hello, Alice. Hello, Andy. Hello, Bugleers. How are you? Thanks for stepping in for for Coolidge at, at such short notice. Iers. Uh, how are you? Thanks for stepping in for, uh, for Coolidge at, uh, at such short notice. Uh, I'm very well, how are you?

I've made a career out of being the second person people call. And... Ha ha ha ha. Certainly not, not a bad niche, uh, to fulfil. I'm, I'm well here. There are extreme winds outside to be here, washing noises. Uh, it's not a metaphor.

Also, joining us this week, Step again for Jay Nostin. From elsewhere in London, at least I'm not his regular one, so hopefully less prone to any monsoon flooding than when he joins us from Mumbai. It's Anavab Pal. Hello, Anavab, how are you? Hello Andy, hello Alice. So far, it's not flooded here in Hampstead where I am, but I cannot guarantee it. Thank you for letting me step in for Jane Austen. I have been working on my novel Pride, Prejudice and Some Samozas, which is the follow-up work to her classic. We are recording on the 20th of September. This week is International Week of Happiness at Work,

which is a bit insensitive in the first week that I haven't had to watch any cricket for money for a very long time. But to mark International Week of Happiness at Work, we're in the bugle, giving you tips on how to share happiness in the workplace. So whenever your boss asks you something, respond with a hearty and prolonged laugh between 30 and 60 seconds should do the trick, followed by a little dance. Also, we suggest you attend workplace meetings in fancy dress. If for example you're in a meeting when you have to announce to your colleagues that a sway of redundancies will result in many of them losing their jobs, do so whilst dressed

as the Pope or a transformer or ideally Darth Vader. It could really just take the edge off things. Also, we suggest that to really make yourself happy at work, you wear an I love my job T-shirt and headband combo. And now in some professions, this could lead to, I guess, some situational awkwardness, for example, if you're an undertaker, a spy, an anaesthetist, an assassin, or home secretary. But people will surely appreciate that you're just trying to lighten the mood for everyone's sake. And our final suggestion is you combine one of your favourite non-work hobbies with your professional responsibilities to bring some more joy to the workplace. Happiness equals productivity.

So if you are, for example, a forensic pathologist who loves Irish dancing or a primary school teacher who dabbles in a haruesspacy of a weekend or a motorcycle courier who enjoys archery or even an airline pilot whose top hobby is parachute jumping, don't be afraid to combine work with pleasure in this international week of happiness at work. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, well, we reveal the contents of Prince Philip's will. The, it was announced in the last week that the details and contents of Prince Philip's will. It was announced in the last week that the details and contents of Prince Philip's will

not be revealed for 90 years under British law because, well, it's basically just the traditional reason of no reason, but it's the role of family, so suck it, Trotsky. But we are the people are not going to be hired bound by such law, so we're going to exclusively reveal exactly what is in the will, which we've not yet seen. £10,000 of Phillips fortune is going to the British Young Jukes organisation, which seeks to identify young boys with the potential to become Jukes and give them all the training they need to make it all the way to the top on the Jukes circuit. A ceremonial mechanical donkey donated to Philip by American billionaire J. Farthing Mamshaw to commemorate the Duke attending the Texas Donkey wrestling championships in 1964. Well,

he has bequeathed that to the British equine combat sports association. There are, of course, hoping to have both donkey wrestling and a horse judo in the Olympic program by the time of the 2096 games. The city of Edinburgh prints Philip's very own personal fiefdom, of course, which he ruled with a benevolent ruthlessness over more than seven decades. He's asked for that to be given to his native Greece, and Edinburgh will become a capital of Greece in 90 years time, in the year 21-11, the northern Greek city of Thessalonica. Will replace Edinburgh as the seat of the Scottish Parliament, and the two cities will be

physical exchange over a 20-year period beginning in 2101. Philip also leaves a collection of over 2000 foreign banknotes and coins collected during his overseas trips as the number one ranked Duke for Team GB since 1952 and they all feature hand-drawn pictures of his wife Elizabeth on them. A confident explained he became so used to seeing his misses on notes and coins that when overseas he could become quite distressed at seeing money without her on. So he always took a markup and with him around the world so he could quickly draw her onto the local currency before saying that's better.

Internally, Prince Philip would always introduce his wife to new people at parties by saying, this is my wife Elizabeth II, she's quite literally on the money. And finally, Prince Philip also has bequeathed the BBC role correspondent Nicholas Wichil to the British Museum. That section in the bin. Top story this week, Orcus gets awkward. Alice, I mean huge ruckians in the global world, if indeed the world is global, with the Orcas deal, which is Australia, UK and United States, which involves a deal to build nuclear-powered submarines for the Australian Navy involving the UK, and, as I said too, it's alumni, Australia and the United States. I mean, how has this gone down in Australia, this huge, exciting, I mean, I think

it's going to be one nucleus submarine for every Australian by the year 2034 if I've read the details correctly. Well, let me paint you a picture, Andy. After a few mysterious hints in the news about big news coming down the pipe, Australia, the UK and the United States announced all together a new formation of the mega-zord, that is postcolonial English speaking now. big news coming down the pipe. Australia, the UK and the United States announced all together a new formation of the mega-zord, that is post-colonial English-speaking national alliances in pursuit of a mutual goal of pissing off the French. Arranging for very expensive submarines to be built in Adelaide, a city which until now was known, well not at all outside of Australia,

but inside Australia mainly for its wankers, who are proud of being three settlers when the rest of Australia is filthy convict stock. Also, Adelaide is famous for scheduling the world's second biggest fringe festival at the same time as Australia's biggest car race leading to one weekend of every Adelaide fringe festival where car-riving noises are the background of the show and your audience is 100% guaranteed to be made up of c, who want half-priced tickets, but they make up for the other half of the ticket that it didn't pay you by doling out big lumps

of free-dness during your comedy set. Well, I mean, the partnership has been set up to try to counterbalance growing Chinese power in the Asia Pacific region, are very, very lovable informed, and also to confuse the hell out of wilds during mating season. Oh, Lordy, that is absolutely ripped. Hold my plankton.

The submarines will of course be baggy and green to mark them out from other countries submarines. And if it replaces a multi-billion dollar deal for French-made submarines, I mean, why is Australia opted for non-French subs? Obviously, the French give you a more stylish, but more laid-back submarine, maybe more artistically aware. Whereas the British American submarine is a brasher, hard-working subs, but with maybe less ocean-going flair.

Yeah, look, I don't know why they've made the decision, Andy. I can only speculate that the French were not maybe doing as good a job as they had suggested that they were going to do during the thing, and also that it was an incredibly stupid idea to have the French build our submarines in the first place, and also that we want to suck up to the Americans, and also that the UK is desperately looking for allies in a world suddenly that has withdrawn from it only half as much as it has withdrawn from the world. The French described it as an unacceptable behavior and a stab in the back well they should have thought of that before making us all vote for Brexit shouldn't they?

The France's Defence Minister Florence Pali has called off talks with her UK counterpart and the British Foreign Office Minister James Clely, told the BBC that all bilateral relationships go through periods of tension, which is a bit like a husband telling a wife that all marriages have the odd rocky patch after setting fire to the family home and moving in across the road with a new, different wife. Well, if the French were really willing to hold out a hand in the interests of international cooperation, they'd stop pretending that French is the lingua franca and admit that its English and always has been. Boris Johnson trying to calm the troubled waters as only he can said, our love of France is inerradicable. Now, I mean, the evidence of Johnson's life in Korea, I mean, it does, doesn't it?

I know, maybe he may be, have some experience with that. When the evidence of Johnson's life in Korea today suggests that there is only one love in his life that is truly ineradicable, and that is the kind of love that requires a mirror. He, the China described the deal as irresponsible and narrow-minded, which is a little bit rich, isn't it? Narrow-minded from a one-party state.

You look at much more narrow-minded. In that least we have two parties, big, equally narrow-minded against each other. And describing as irrespective, China has over a thousand coal-fired power stations, belching planet-destroying blurt into the atmosphere, and a bit of a thing for ethnic cleansing, which is not the most hyper-responsible way for a country to treat its citizens. So I'm not sure we can take that criticism from them lying down at Anivab. You're on another query. Yeah, no, I'm learning about marine warfare. I just want to talk about ambassadorships for a second because one of the results of this diplomatic in Broly, or seems to be countries pulling ambassadors out of other countries.

And I just want to say to kids, ambassadorship isn't all that it's meant to be kids. You know, no matter how glamorous your parents say, ambassadorship is, you can be withdrawn at any time. You know, what if the ambassador had just moved to Australia, you know, with if the ambassador had just moved to Australia, you know, what, you know, with France and Australia fighting? What did you do? You just put your kids in school and now the submarine things happen and you have to move out. It's not as glamorous a job. And I don't know if

you've been reading, but France decided to turn around and say, we don't need Australia, we're going to replace this with a deal with India. Now we in India weren't even looking for submarines. And you have to look at this as the worst case of rebound. You just got dumped in a park, you look around and see a homeless man on fire hitting a newspaper. And you tell yourself, that can be my new life partner. I think that's the role we are playing now in this submarine in Burlea. Well, I mean, a lot of the criticism of this deal

is that we are sucking up to the Americans who we followed into disastrous war after disastrous war in the last 100 years. And also the UK who we followed into disastrous war after disastrous war in the previous years. And that we're doing ourselves a disservice by trying to fight with China, who are a massive dominant superpower, and we haven't got a chance, and it's going to turn us into a client-state of America, and all of those critiques are good, but also Orcas' is funny to say.

And of course, you are partnered now with one of the great submarine technology nations. I mean, Britain's always been pioneers in submarine technology, evolving from the well of pioneering 16th century submarine the Merry Rose, which worked okay for a little while as a submarine. A few technical issues with being able to resurface in less than 400 years, but it was certainly ahead of its time. And then of course, the Titanic, one of the largest subs in history, although it was designed for left-to-depenetral icebergs, be able to drop down below surface level. So, I mean, we're a nation that's got a great heritage and shown an ability to learn and improve.

Which leads me to a quick question, Andy Ellis, is there an official aquatic language like the official language of business is English? If you are in the submarine are you even allowed to speak French or is English the official language of any sort of maritime warfare navigation? Now interestingly the official language of underwater is whale noises, it's confusing and confronting forever and involved and surprisingly sexy for some. Technically it's called Welsh. No Andy, I've got an in trouble before for making fun of the Welsh language which I apparently is an incredibly loaded thing to do.

So I refuse. It's a beautiful language with just the right amount of syllable. It's just can't call it Wales noises. Anyway, that's what I'm saying. All I'm saying to both of you is as Indians we can be expected to speak French just because we're underwater. India news now and Annavar, hugely exciting news emerging from India about the development of India's first electric highway. Just bring us up to date with that and exactly what it means. Alessandhi, we have a very enterprising roadways minister. His name is Nathan Gutkary and

every day he promises to build a certain amount of highway. I don't know about roadways ministers in your country, whether they make Twitter announcements. But Nathan Katkary is a wonderful, very enterprising minister who has two main focuses, weight loss and building highways. And he gets on Twitter, and this is a fact, he gets on Twitter every week and says, you know, we in this ministry are going to he gets on Twitter every week and says, you know, we in this ministry are going to build this much highway this week and most of the time he's able to do it. Now his new thing is between the cities of Delhi and Jai Port, he wants to build an electric

highway, which means a highway where only electric cars would be allowed. It's a bit of a tough task given 96% of our country is still coal powered and you know we use petrol but this is a good ambition and he's going to keep us updated on Twitter. I will have you know that there are still large stretches of Indian roads as you would know where a highway is actually missing. So I think a good start would be to finish the highway before we commit to what kind of car can be on the highway and whether it's petrol driven or electricity driven.

And there's over 300 million registered motor vehicles in India, the government figures, and half of them are classified as miscellaneous, which is a gloriously broad term which I assume it involves all the the auto rickshaws that take people around cities. But I mean that's a hell of a lot of miscellaneous things. That's true but also often when I'm driving down to Indian Highway and I don't know if this happens in the developed world, I look out and I'm often wonder, what is this? Is this a car? Is this a wild animal?

Is this a car on top of a car? Is this four cars on horseback? And I think the miscellaneous gives you room, because I guess what you guys are looking at is bland stuff, you're just pointing out the Toyota or a Honda. You know, I think that we need to go back to the basics. And in Indian highway, the first question you ask is, what is it? And then, for a lane, and it's misaligned, yes. And it's on fire.

Elsewhere in Asia, some very exciting political news, the boxer, Manny Pacquiao, is to run for president in the Philippines. He's running for the Central F People's Democratic People's Power Party, which is also the party of incumbent president and extrajudicial killings fan, Rodrigo Duterte. Pacquiao has had a glamorous boxing career. He's the only boxer to hold world titles across four different decades from the 90s to the 2020s. He's been championing, I think, five different weights. So, I mean, is this the future of global politics? Just, you know, because politics is increasingly confrontational and pugilistic. So why not get people who have been top level pugilists to do it? It's really just the logical endpoint of our political civilization

This story is so magnificent that I can't be in not to cover it the headline was what caught my attention at first Boxer Senator Manipekia to run for Philippine president. I love that. That's as a slashti career boxer Senator If you didn't know Manipekia, you're either not a fan of boxing or not a fan of Pilibino politics or not a fan of unlikely intersections of blood sports and blood sports. Pacquiao has come out with some just brilliant quotes. I'm a fighter and I will always be a fighter inside and outside the ring. He said that in his speech, raising the hopes of a nation that watching government question time will become a paper of use, a spectacle of extreme punchmanship. And then he went on to say, we need government to serve our people with integrity, compassion

and transparency, which I find disappointing because I was hoping that he'd serve our people in six rounds of a minute each or whatever. Well, it's 12, 3 minute rounds of highly-skilled, fistic pugilism. That's what he's really specialised in. But it does, but the fact that he said that, Alice, we need government to serve our people with integrity, compassion and transparency.

Does suggest that he has not watched the news in what, 95 to 99% of the world's countries over the last, what, 20 to 6,000 years? I mean, that is, I mean, admirably idealistic, but I hope it's really naive, isn't it? I mean, yes, I, one would imagine that an election where your opponent is on trial for crimes against humanity would be a landslide victory, but that is not the timeline we're living in Andy. I think it's gonna be a hard, flawed battle and I'm sorry that I got the number of

rounds and minutes in boxing wrong. I was counting by the amount of time that I can bear to peep through my fingers while I watch men try to murder each other. I don't have that many hot takes on the political situation but I do have a great screenplay idea for the next Rocky movie where he enters the deadliest game of all politics. where he enters the deadliest game of all. Apologize. It wouldn't be the first sporting leader at the moment. George Weyer, president of Liberia, was FIFA World Footballer of the Year in 1995, although, of course, more famous for scoring three goals across the two legs of Manchester City's league cup tag against Gillinger in the year 2000, before going on to the

leader's country politically. And Imran Khan, one of the, I would say, top 10 greatest triggers of all time, that Pakistan for the World Cup in 1992, now Prime Minister of Pakistan, which is unquestionably a tricky job. Now hosting the bugle is, of course, notoriously high-powered and very, very complicated.

But even I would admit that Imran Khan has a tougher job than I do. And of course, let's not forget, in Attio. First, Khan to go into politics. Two? Yes, some of them have ended quite violently. Let's not forget Inatio Akaturu, who, Wolf's Deputy Prime Minister of the Cook Islands, took part in the Commonwealth Games

Lawn Bulls Competition in 1990. So I'm going to sport and politics to have crossovers. Wasn't the president of Ukraine a comedian for a long time? Yes. I don't see comedy as a sport, though. That's a fair point. I see it as a replacement in my life and the fact that I was shit at sport.

Although that would be a good kind of comedy if you're shot at the end of a set if you're not good. I mean that's a risky path to go down. COVID news now and the UK has announced its plans for dealing with COVID over the coming winter. Plan A involves not really having a plan and hoping that not really having a plan works. Plan B is to come up with a plan if the plan A of not having a plan fails and plan C just leaked is to stand on the white cliffs of Dova shouting, come on then, let's see! At any virus variants brave enough to even think of trying to infect Britain. Plan D is to ban all mentions of COVID and hope that people will forget it exists and not contract it. It can't be coincidence that no one got COVID before it started being all over the media. Plan e is to coat the entire country and wax,

not quite sure how, why or if that would work, and plan F is to actually make people wear masks, but that is an absolute last resort in this country. At the moment, the government's also announced that children aged between 12 and 15 will be offered a COVID jab in addition to the gradual crushing of their lifetime hopes and dreams that was already on the table. And we were in a strange position with COVID in Britain at the moment that we're essentially just ignoring it and pretending that it no longer happens. In fact, there's still a lot of people infected with it and quite a lot of people dying from it on a daily and weekly basis. We seem to be in almost parallel universes with the Australian way of dealing with things, Alice. Yes, to spite clear calls from the British public that they are definitely over COVID and have

finished thanks and maybe leave the table, please. Professor Tim Specter, who's the lead scientist on the Zoe COVID study app, has called for tougher measures to be put in place. Now that he has noticed that the UK is winning at being the worst affected for COVID-19. I think there's 31,000 plus new recorded cases, which is quite a lot and has raised the unpalatable shadow of facts of death rates and exhausted NHS staff pleading for sanity in a world gone mad. And Professor Specter, which is short for Specter of Christmas Future, has called for the government to launch the emergency plan B early, which would involve lots of people online having tantrums. You know, just questioning vaccine passports and probably

not being able to have unprotected sex with the secretary at the Christmas party unless you're both wearing masks which to be frank you're probably both okay with the Zoom filters are super flattering and you've forgotten how each other really looked. I just, Andy Ellis, I've been a visitor in the UK for about three weeks now and for the first time after about two and a half years I went to the theatre and one of the requirements of the theatre was to have a lateral flow test before entering. And the gentleman before me didn't have one. And the Usher said, well, if you were to take a lateral flow test right now, what do you think

the result would be? And he said, I don't think I'd have it. And he said, well, then welcome to the play. And I think that what I really like about your country is- That's a lateral thinking test. Yeah. Is that there is this fair conversation about medical tests. And I think you can extend this to all things. If you were to take a blood test,

do you think we'd find that you have kidney stones? You know, that kind of thing. If it was more conversation, I think medicine would progress. Even in the quarantine forms, they made us fill out. One of the questions was, how do you plan to spend the next week in quarantine? And then the question after that was, and and after that how do you plan to spend time generally. These were not actually what are you doing with your life type question.

We don't want drifters in this. Do you think your mother would be disappointed in your choices? We want people who are all business, going to get shit done. Exactly. And I feel the moment-bending and philosophy enters medicine. We're in a good place. There were some accusations that the government was not setting the greatest of examples. It's plans include, and I quote, reminding people

to let in fresh air of meeting indoors and to wear face coverings in crowded settings. And if you look at any footage from the House of Commons on the Conservative Benches, and the House of Commons in London, is notoriously a not big enough room. It is not fit for purpose in an almost infinite number of ways from the incredibly childish confrontational politics that it fosters to the fact that it is in a creaky old molding building. And even though it's a British cabinet meetings, again, you know, 30 odd people crowded round a table, none of them wearing masks.

So it's clear this recommendation is not so much a case of doers, I say not doers, I do it. Could you maybe sort of do as we sort of sometimessort-of-sundit-sif you want or don't, or do-as-we-don't-do-if you can't be asked to do-as-we-sort-so-we all on the same page. Hands-in, go team GB, beat the virus. So everyone knows exactly what's going. And Booster Jabs are being brought in as well. Booster Jabs are currently Michael Gove's favourite, Nicolab DJ. And for those who don't qualify for Booster Jabs, there will also be free Booster comments sent by text message from the NHS app, including messages such as You Look Great, well done on that thing you just did and chin up. Who needs a future?

Sorry Andy, what was the DJ name again? Booster Jabs, terrific. in him again. But booster jabs. Terrific. He can really bang out the classics. Sean Penn versus COVID news now. And like many of the world's leading film actors, Sean Penn is not a fan of COVID. But he is a fan of people getting vaccinated if they want to see his new film, Flag Day, in cinemas and he's urged only those who've been vaccinated to go and see the film in cinemas. Alice, you are the bugles Sean Penn correspondent and you've been keeping track of his life ever since he was born 61 years ago for us. Why is Sean hoping to achieve with this intervention?

I think what he's hoping to achieve with this intervention is to either lower or raise vaccination rates, but it's difficult to tell which until the Rotten Tomatoes reviews of Flag Day come together. The problem, of course, with Sean Penn trying to make any kind of political statement is that Sean Penn is so good at acting that nobody knows if he really means it or not, or in fact who he is, to give them this message. Most people receiving the message think it was just a bus driver or a local postwoman who told them the information, failing to recognize the deep emotional impact and slightly dangerous shower of awards that is the only giveaway that you're in the presence of Sean Penn's best method acting. So I'm not sure how effective his assertion is going to be. What do you know about the film Flag Day that is coming out?

It's passed me by, to be honest. Do you know what it is? It's not a golf thing. I'm afraid I don't know anything about Flag Day, except that it's a holiday of flags. Right. That does or doesn't have a flag of its own. Right, but it's not like it's on a journey. Right, I'd be. Yeah, not a film about two ships in a chase

across the oceans abusing each other via semaphore. Yes, I would pay towards that, to be honest. Well, he's got his son Hopper in the film in Flag Day. But actually, it's also just Sean Penn, he doesn't have a son. Right, right. And I feel it's exactly that story, Andy. And then, in fact, I think Sean Penn is playing one of the ships.

That's the... He's done playing animate objects as Alice described. And I think he's going into the inanimate object territory. Yeah. And... You got an Oscar for Apollo 13, didn't he? So... What's the rocket?

He did. He did. Um, I mean, it's a bit of a dangerous precedent, though, doesn't he? It's the rocket. It did. It did. It's a bit of a dangerous precedent, though, doesn't it? If actors are starting to issue restrictions and automations on who is allowed to go and see their films in film theatre, clearly Sean Penn is doing this for noble purposes to try to help stop the spread of COVID. But what a vindiesel. Suddenly says that he only wants keen gardeners

and macroma enthusiasts to go to his next film, or scarlet your hands and bands people from watching her, next moving to Leviton, all their vegetables and had a piece of fresh fruit for dessert. I mean, is this a world? Well, what a Bradley Cooper. Suddenly bands people who don't own a fedora from watching his fourth coming 2022 blockbuster,

Domino's of the Never Dead about professional Domino player who defeats zombie hordes in a series of games of Domino's. Look, I think that should be the future of cinema. I think there should be films exclusively that only divorce is can go to. I think there's lots of them. I think if you're an influencer, if you cannot create a niche cinematic audience, what have you even done? Yeah, very cool. I mean, I feel like this is the reverse of the Milo-Yanopolis tactic of calling ahead to get your show banned to raise publicity for your shows. British politics news now and since we last spoke to you a couple of weeks ago there's been a cabinet reshuffle. Boris Johnson has chucked out some of his less-adept ministers, Anson and the more-adept ones as well and brought in some that are probably equally as good

stroke shit. Now it's clear that Johnson is consolidating his power base, but it must be said there is total madness in his method. He's now sack 27 cabinet ministers since becoming prime minister in July 2019. That's one a month, essentially. It's just more unstoppable ministerial lurch and churn as people who've barely finished adjusting their swivel chair to the right height in one job Then get shuffled on to a new department. There's no sense of long-term stability no sense of expertise or planning Some might say there's an overwhelming whiff of effectless quick playing party games with the nation's future

But they of course would be cynic but then on the flip side of that I mean, maybe this will work because I mean let's look at Emma Raducano who we will talk about more later who's just won the US Open tennis and the age of 18, but didn't specialize in tennis until you know, relatively later on she did loads of different sports as a child before specializing in tennis. So I'm just imagine how unbelievably good the shuffled cabinet ministers will be in five to ten years time when they finally settle down to something. They have a discernible shred of expertise in. I was going to play a game with you Andy where I listed a series of names and you had to buzz and tell me if they were promoted or

demoted or loaded into a missile and fired at the moon. And I realized that the moment I tried to pay attention to the Internet sign politics of British politics, I thought I sleep. So I had a big state. I mean, you would have said a couple of weeks ago that the novelist reality TV star, marriage equality opponent and former kind of politician, Nadine Dohery's, seemed objectally to have as much chance of becoming Secretary of State for Culture as the average 18-year-old from Bromley had of winning the US Open Without Dropping a Set.

But we live in strange times and both of those things have happened. Nadine Dohery's in 2018 put out a tweet highlighting her credentials to be the new Secretary of State for Digital Culture, Media and Sports, the official name of the department. I'm going to put this to our listeners. Can you guess which of the following tweets she put out that showed she was the ideal DCMS sector of state for this Boris Johnson government that she tweaked A that the BBC was a biased left wing organization which is seriously failing in its political representation from the top down. Or did she tweaked B? G Wiz, I absolutely dig digital, a crave culture and a mad for media and smitten by

sport. In fact, if I had a dream event, it would involve Andy Murray and Jessica and his throwing Stone Age acts heads from the British Museum and each other while singing Shakespearean sonnets to the tune of some bangin' edgar Edward L Garhits reported on objectively by 10 to 12 independently owned newspapers whilst everyone involved wears a digital watch. Give me a D C M S The correct answer was tweet. There was a statement issued just before the reshuffle, in which the Prime Minister will be appointing ministers this afternoon with a focus on uniting and leveling up the whole country, which is, I mean, this leveling up, catchphrase has, you know, become some of the issues wheeled. In fact, there are rumors that Robert Buckland, the Justice Secretary

of State, was sacked because he refused to have, I am levelling up, the country tattooed onto his forehead. And despite being described as both competent and popular by colleagues, he was sacked, made across two red lines there. But anyway, but levelling up. This is the thing about levelling up, in some video games It's good, but what if we're playing Tetris Leveling up is just increasingly menacing Indication that you have less and less space and time to move I'm looking forward to Nadine Dorries Putting a documentary together with men who were funny in the 80s to finally get to the bottom of why comedy isn't allowed to say anything anymore.

Well, she did say that she's had comedies being destroyed by lefty snowflakes. Correct. I mean, look, Andy Ellis, as a script writer, I have a question here because it seems like the new cultural secretary and the powers behind her seem to be missing a kind of Britishness from your television and from your films. And I've spent a bit of time watching as a script writer, some of your TV shows, and I tend to agree with them. Look, I think there's too many Norwegian crime dramas, too many loosely failed, Rupert Murdoch biopics about succession. I went to see something at the Victorian

Albert Museum and it was a massive exhibition called Epic Iran and who wants to see that apart from the entire sold out show and the lines that snaked around the high street consecutive. There was nobody there. And therefore, if with your permission, because I love all British things, as you know, I've tried to, I'm going to pitch to the two of you a couple of screenplays that I think could work with the new culture secretary and the sense of Britishness. Now what could be more British than India? And I thought the best way to combine Britishness would be to bring in a little Indian favor. So here a couple of screenplays very quickly for you to judge if you consider yourself

important commissioners at the BBC. This is the first thing. I think the cultural secretary would like this. William the Conqueror in Bollywood, the Battle of Hastings is a dance-off. Sherlock Holmes in the Adventure of Downton Abbey, the case of the mysterious vegan who came to tea, a tale of two dishumes, classic Dickens meets 21st century London dining, and here's one where I've sort of combined all the great Britishness into one film, a passage to India with a room with a view with the jewel of the crown of the best exotic

marigold hotel or where is Tom? This is a film and finally if they're up for some mathematics and great Britishness non-binary Shakespeare. I mean of course not as how people identify but as the mathematical definition so all of Shakespeare's plays told with the numbers one in zero. Hamlet for example would be tragedy of 0, 0, 0, 1, 0, 1, 1. That concludes this week's Google. Thank you very much for listening. Bugles, Alice, anything else to tell our listeners about in your extensive portfolio? Yes, I of course, you can find me as always on Twitter and Instagram at PatConlistrativ, ALIT, ERATIV, or my Patreon Patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. There I

will be going for six weeks on what I'm calling Eternity Leaf where I stare into the bleak abyss of the reality of mortality and also will be having a baby. But we've got backup versions of the gargle coming in there so you don't have to worry that you're missing even a step of my cutting edge magazine style set up. Yeah well good luck, good luck with that. Adirav are you intending to create new human being? It's a very good question and I'm in London doing some shows for the next three weeks which people can follow on Twitter but currently there are no plans in giving birth within those three weeks but that might quickly change because it's Covid schedules

at least. You're going to be adaptable. That concludes this week's bugle. Best of luck to Alice for full report. Then in to you course. We'll now play you out some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them. Automaker 1 or a current contribution of any size to keep the bugle free, flourishing and independent. Go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Peter W. remembers being advised when life gives you lemons you make lemonade and would like to reject that advice fourth with. Peter elaborates, I would rewrite the advice to say when life gives you lemons, do some research on where the lemons came from. For a start you need to check the exact provenance of the lemons,

why you suddenly being given free lemons, and are they from a reputable lemonist, or are they perhaps magic lemons, and if so, are we talking good magic lemons or bad magic lemons? I mean, diving straight into lemonade manufacturer is at best naive. Monika Hints, who it should be noted, has neither solicited nor received a free batch of untraceable lemons, would make lemonade in those circumstances, but would not see that as the sole option for her lemon heritance. Yes, as Monica, I would juice the lemon flesh to make lemonade, but I would also use the zest for making a premium level cooking product. I would extract the seeds to plant a full lemon orchard and the pits

I would use to develop a sustainable clothing fabric of some kind which I'm pretty sure is possible these days, if you only make lemonade you're a fool. Daniel Mushamp, an apologies for any mispronunciation there, would divide her consignment of fate-given lemons into two. The first batch is Daniel, I would donate to a local scurvy awareness charity if they still operate in my area, and with the second batch I would make an art installation involving, involving a pile of slowly rotting lemons, which mulch down to nothingness, to reveal beneath them, a giant barrel full of a lemon-based Italian lecure lemon cello, adorned with the words, don't drink me in bright lemon yellow paint. I don't know what it would mean, but I think it would

definitely mean something. James had to wait chimes in, if I received a large batch of lemons, I would at the dead of night take them to a nearby forest and leave I received a large batch of lemons I would at the dead of night take them to a nearby forest and leave them in a pile. Then the following morning I would call the police and local news outlets, claiming that I'd seen a prominent politician walking towards the woods with a sheep muttering the words, and now I will find out if BL's above himself has granted my wish to be able to turn livestock into lemons before cackling maniacally. I reckon most newspapers would run with the story, they're absolutely desperate for good copy these days.

And finally, before Vignestia in his rows embarks on a scheme for maximising the utility of her consignment of lemons, she would like to check whether the lemons are a single one off bequest by life, or the beginning of an eternal, never-ending supply of lemons. And if that were the case, whether she would be able to request a regular arrival of a specific number of lemons, or would just have to accept random unscheduled lemon drops as part of her life moving forward. Frankly says of Aniesta, this would be a logistical nightmare, even though lemons have a relatively long shelf life as fruit goes. But I reckon if I could be guaranteed 10,000 lemons a year, a thousand a month from February to November, with December and January off, I could integrate

lemon trading scheme into my schedule. And yes, I would use the summer batches to make lemonade. I mean, why wouldn't you? Here and if, this week's lies, goodbye.