The Bugle - Australians keep touching the Queen

Episode Date: December 3, 2007

Australians keep touching the Queen, the 8th episode from The Bugle.Hear more of our shows, including Top Stories, donate and see our live dates here: thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Audio newspaper for a visual world! Welcome to the Bugle, issue 8 of Times Online's unique audio newspaper For the week beginning the 3rd of December 2007. This is the 8th Bugle So you now have enough editions of the Bugle to have a straight knockout from quarterfinals onwards to decide your favorite Bugle so far. So do enjoy that. I'm Andy Zoltzman here in London and in New York. Let's miss the John Oliver. Hello from the Big Apple, not the biggest Apple, but still a pretty big apple nonetheless. What Apple is bigger than New York, John?

Granny Smith. As always, some sections of the Bugle do go straight in the bin. This week, the extreme sport supplement, including features on the latest crazes in the adrenaline-seeking world, including volcano diving, shock polo, bungee driving and asylum seeking. Also in the bin, a commemorative poster marking 100 years since the invention of the zebra. It's got some immense by man who ran over a fort on a level crossing. Top story this week and it is all change in Australia. The Sydney Morning Herald described Australia's recent election as a political earthquake,

and it is important to remember that earthquakes come in different sizes, this particular The Sydney Morning Herald described Australia's recent election as a political earthquake, and it is important to remember that earthquakes come in different sizes, this particular earthquake, was probably enough to knock an ornament off a mantelpiece somewhere. Perhaps cause someone to say, what was that, or make a dog bark? But it was an earthquake nonetheless, hold on to your breakfast world. Australia have voted out John Howard, the undisputed four-time Australian General Election Champion, who now becomes the second of the Iraq Wars 3 biggest cheeses to bite the Democratic bullet until it goes bang in his own face. Some commentators say that Howard ran a negative, aggressive and pessimistic campaign, which makes his defeat all the more surprising.

He was ousted by Kevin Rudd and the name Kevin Rudd sounds like a mid-level accountant. Kevin is this stapler tax deductible only if you like prison food bill thanks Kevin I owe you one again. John Howard will be remembered as a close ally of President Bush and also as the man who controversially put his arm around the queen. There was an outcrop. That wasn't him John. That was Paul Keating. Was that not Howard? Right we have another fact off oh God This is one all John this is one all well, let's see Come on Howard. This is the vengeance. We all knew I would get sooner rather than later Who'd have thought I'd find myself saying come on John Howard touch up my question

Yes, yes, it was Paul that is absolute bullshit Who'd have thought I'd find myself saying, come on John Howard, touch up my queen. Yes! Yes! That was Paul Keating, that is absolute bullshit! Look up Paul Keating in the queen. He's the one that touched her on the earth. John Howard had a crack at the queen, that is history. Tune-o, Tune-o. Wow. Robert Menzi, stup the queen. That'll come out, the official secret that, that I'll come out in about 60 years time Well, so it turns out they both touched the Queen. What is it with Australian leaders and

Fundling our monarch leave her alone. What is it about our monarch? What is it that she has what ferramone? Is she giving off that are attractive to Australian Prime Ministers? Well, I just read Blooded Men, John. Who can blame me? Kiss my crown. I got a bit of an insight, John, into the extraordinary popularity of Kevin Rudd when I was in Australia. I was doing shows at the Melbourne Festival and I would ask the crowd, crowd in quite the right word, audience. Even that's not maybe jury. That's more numerically appropriate. Who's looking

forward to John Howard leaving and all of them cheered and I'll then ask who's looking forward to Kevin Rudd taking over and there would be an eerie silence as people slowly realised that democracy is deeply flawed. But John Howard was referred to as the US sheriff in Asia Pacific region. And apparently he was the quickest drawer in the Pacific, especially if you were drawing up reactionary immigration legislation. That leaves only George W. Bush of the war on terrors. Big three Blair was bumped off by his own party. Howard taken out by his own people. And John, I think it looks bad for George Holiwis. I think his numbers up. I think his reign will soon end,

whether it's due to the unstoppable march of time or the 22nd Amendment of the US Constitution. I can't see him lasting much more than another year at most. And his chances of winning the election, I've put it 20 to one, but what's the view in America? Well, I mean, people aren't quite as optimistic as that, and he, you know, he's already won an election that he lost. So, let's not rule him out of suddenly coming out with something incredible here. Could he win an election he's not in? Is the man that good at democracy?

He loves America, and he loves God, and... I choose to say that he can't combine those two powers and take this country a third time. But it does seem that Bush is fast becoming a bad King Midas. Everything he touches turns to shit. If he was to offer you a job reference, you would not get that job. In fact, Kevin Rudd campaigned successfully on anti-bush promises signing Kyoto and withdrawing from Iraq.

And in this sense, perhaps Bush can potentially guide the world to a better tomorrow. People often wear these bracelets here which read, what would Jesus do to help them make good decisions? If all world leaders had what would Bush do bracelets, they could just look down at their wrists in times of crisis, think about it for a second, and then do the opposite. If humanity did the opposite of whatever Bush would do, we could be living in Nivana by 2010. And maybe this is the best hope for them at least. He can make a suggestion then both Israel and Palestine can look at each other and say well let's definitely not do that and not already they're working from a point of agreement. He's not president anymore Andy, he's an airborne disease.

Bear in mind with those bracelets, John, that's a hamsi crony yet, the former South African cricket captain wore a what would Jesus do bracelets? And evidently the answer to that question is, take illegal bungs and fix matches. Read the Bible, Andy. It's all in there. Old Testament. Now you as 21st century listeners to this audio newspaper probably don't have a very good attention span, so we're going to break up this item on Australia.

With a fact box. Australia is the most foul-mouthed country in the world, 38.2% of all words said in Australia are rude words or derivatives of rude words. Australia's national motto, no worries, actually camouflages deep national concern about the environment, social change and a slightly embarrassing history of killing natives and stealing their resources. Australia is swelling by 0.3% per year. If it keeps swelling at this rate by the year 3000, it will have knocked in Dineshia, clean off the face of the planet. And finally Australia is not the same place as Austria, but Australia and New Zealand are the same place. Kevin Rudd unveiled his team for the future to Australia, who then ran through an enormous

paper banner and banged heads. Can you clarify that, John? They ran through a painted picture saying Australia's new parliament, banged heads, whooped and did the worm, the old break dancing move. All right, is that traditional Australian ceremony? Yeah, it's something to do with Aberjene. Rudd is certainly pretty keen on the environment. Keen enough that he has appointed as his new environment minister, a rock star at the former lead singer of Midnight Oil Peter Garrett.

And I think this shows he's taking it seriously because history has proved that people in the 21st century won't listen to anyone who hasn't had at least two top 20 singles. So this is very smart move by Rudd and it's great to see the governments now taking the environment seriously because you know for us individuals as we desperately try to save the environment on our own, it does feel like we're just urinating into a slowly exploding volcano. Yes it makes us feel better about ourselves, any piss does, but it's not really helping the overall situation.

So when it helps the government to at least fly a crops briar over the volcano and look like they're doing something, Kevin Rudspin describes being a Blair clone. So enjoy that Australia. Do enjoy that. Other news now and scandal has bitten into the neck of British politics. Once again, the party funding rout threatens to bore the nation into submission and possibly throw us all the way back to a premonarchical day when we were just ruled by tribal leaders and the occasional Roman. An anonymous donor, David Abrams, apparently gave over £660,000 to the Labour Party, but didn't do an under name, he used other people to give the money. Raising questions about how parties should be funded, or even if they should be funded,

wouldn't it not be best for everyone if they weren't given any money and had to raise their funds by, for example, busking, standing on street corners reciting their policies, allowing passes by to donate money as they see fit. A gun brown has had some very bad luck in his first few months as Prime Minister. There were the Glasgow bombings, the floods, the lost identity of the British public, and now this. He's been extremely unlucky, and it's been a while since there's been a real slapstick Prime Minister in Britain, because this week he also fell down some stairs and dropped a piano out of the window. At Prime Minister's question this week, the Liberal Democrat King, Vince Cable, sorry, acting King, Vince Cable, said that

Gordon Brown has gone from Stalin to Mr Bean in a matter of weeks, which suggests that if anything, Gordon Brown is only guilty of over adjustment. But who would you rather be led by, John? Stalin or Bean? Well, first, Andy, let's pause for a second to appreciate the magnificent name that is Vince Cable That has got to be one of the great names in politics at the moment Vincent Cable and I Looks to see if there's any any names that I think could rival that in America There's not many there's John Boosman from the Arkansas third district

John do little of the California fourth district, but then we get onto the, Louise Slaughter of the New York 28th. That is an excellent name, Anthony Weiner. That's good, says it all. We've got a few silly names here, David Lepper, Kitty Asher, and also the independent MP, Puppy Tennis, who named herself after her favourite sport. But I guess when we decide, when we're trying to decide who out of Stalin or Mr. Bean would rather be governed by, they've both got their strengths and arguably they've both got their weaknesses. I mean in terms of strengths, you know, Stalin, decisive, gets things done. Mr. Bean as a strength doesn't list genocide amongst his hobbies so that

balances out I guess but they also have their weaknesses. Stalin genocide as a weakness whereas Mr Bean not a natural leader so really I guess you want a kind of middle ground between Stalin and Mr Bean that'll be the ideal leader. Get off the fence Andy you can only pick one of them are you going Stalin or Bean? Stalin better do something than nothing. I don't think America can quite believe this storm in a financial teacup because electioneering here in America has become almost like a telephone. Each candidate has an illuminated totaliser going up to $1 billion and whoever can make the bill on top of it ring first is pretty

much president. In fact, we had a question emailed in from Samuel Debella for the American saying, being an American myself, I'm shocked that you yourself would attempt to represent all of America. It is firmly set in my beliefs that the only type of person who should represent America is one who has spent several hundreds of million dollars for the right. This money should of course be obtained from backroom deals with corporate conglomerates. Good letter Sam and of course that is the case. The last American presidential election, the Republican spent $214 million and the Democrats around $145. Which shows that the Republicans do have to bribe people more per vote than

the Democrats. Does it not show, Andy, that the Republicans care more about democracy because they're willing to pay more for it, to run it? I guess that could be so. Yep. You say potato, I also, of course, say potato. Give it a couple of years, John. The candidates here aren't just content to sit and wait for the compromising donations to thud in from big business. They're willing to come up with some swag to hawk to the American public as well. Some what, John?

Some what? business, they're willing to come up with some swag to hawk to the American public as well. Some watch on some what swag swag. Potato, potato within it, probably within a year. Barack Obama is selling ringtones for your mobile phones of him shouting about health care. You can be woken up by that when your auntie calls you from Venezuela. Many of the candidates have t-shirts which cost cleverly two thousand and eight cents. And Rudy Giuliani supporters came under fire recently for a fundraiser which cost $9.11 to get in. It is amazing that that got past the idea stage. That is not even misconstruing a gesture, it's construing it. That gesture was accurately construed. But the Queen is missing out here Andy.

Think of the Queen's potential merchandise. She can become self-sufficient in a heartbeat and take herself off the taxpayer's payroll, toy crowns, inflatable corgis, antifone messages, people would love that. Hello, John is not in right now, but leave a message and he will get back to you. God save me. And to go with that, joke. Now a commemorative bugle audio poster to mark the Queen and Prince Phillips 60th wedding anniversary. The first time they've ever had a 60th wedding anniversary so well done then which means it's also 60 years

since the Queen's hen party when I believe she went to a karaoke night and sang oops upside your head. So here is to 60 more glorious years of marriage between the Queen and Philip. 60 years after their wedding, is it time for Philip to become king? Or is it time for someone else to get a go with the Queen? And a go with the Queen. A go as the Queen's husband. There's two little two, a go with the Queen. Pack up your things and do the right thing and check yourself into the Tower of London.

This is not the first time Andy that you've made comments regarding the Queen of a sexual nature. And it's really starting to make me think a bit about whether you are attracted to the Queen in an inappropriate way. Even if it was, I believe it's my patriotic duty to slightly fancy the Queen. After everything she's done for this country, I just boosted self-confidence a bit. Is it the power that gets to you Andy? Is it the fact she's Queen and is on coins? Or would you be attracted to playing old Elizabeth Windsor from down the road? I just think there is something about a woman

on a ten-pound note or any bank notes and I feel the same about Florence Nightingale. Oh God, the Queen of Florence Nightingale. I apologise to all royalists but I maintain Nightingale was a hotty. Some more other news from this week and the most ludicrous centencing awards 2007, which looked to have been wrapped up by Saudi Arabia when they sentenced a rape victim to jail and 200 lashes, is up for grabs again. It seems only to have made the other countries all the more determined to beat it, step forward this week, Sudan.

A British school teacher was jailed and deported for allowing her pupils to name a teddy bear, Mahamud. Some of Sudan's top clerics apparently labelled Gillian Gibbons actions part of a western plot against Islam. Show us the paper trail clerics. What kind of plot is this? We will indulge their children and make them like teddy bears. They're right to be suspicious Andy, it's like the Trojan horse all over again. What inside those teddy bears named Mohammed? Are we not looking at the wrong person here because it was the children who named it and

they are crawling away free from this. She's become a scapegoat, the only reasonable verdict here would be to jail the children. Well, you're right there because not only they name the the bear Muhammad but they voted to do so so perhaps Gillian Gibbons has in fact been just sneaking a bit of democracy into Sudan so maybe it is part of you know the West's plot to democratize the world by making children enjoy voting on Toys names, and then, you know, they'll develop into wanting to vote on who is responsible for the mass genocide on their doorstep. But why not email in the bugle and tell us what you think the Teddy Bear should have

been called, and the prize for the best name will be that we will adopt a live grizzly bear, call it that name, and send it to Sudan. Speaking as a godless infidel, I think it's time for profits in general to lighten up, especially once that are supposed to mean such top quality profits mentioning no names. Ben, our engineer here in the recordings you do in London, has raised a very interesting question, what if there was a religion centered around a profit called Cuddles? They're already as Andy, it's called Buddhism. Looks like John and I aren't going to be enjoying much of an afterlife, so let's move on to the next section.

Peace Watch. On your behalf in future weeks the bugle is going to be keeping an eye on how peace is doing around the world. Here is this week's piecewatch. With the Mid-East Summit just a few days old, has there been any piece? Well not quite yet, but given another week I'm sure that piece will arrive. Bush said that a battle is underway in the Mid-East talks. Just use of the Soros. Bush, there are so many words without military connotations for conflict resolution. You could go with struggle, scuffle, crusade, actually better avoid that one, or skirmish.

I go with skirmish. A skirmish is underway for peace. That still sounds quite violent, Jeff. What about a wrestle? A wrestle? I like wrestle for peace. It evokes men in spangly tights, putting on a real show for people. So maybe

the Israeli government can do a belly splash off the top turn buckle. They've been doing that with their Air Force for the last 50 years. What the situation now needs Andy is the wisdom of Solomon, although the argument isn't now over whether to cut the baby into, but where. Both sides have pretty much resigned themselves to a severed baby. So let's try and decide exactly where that baby is going to be sliced, and it's best to treat them like children and use the technique that parents use to resolve problems over disputed biscuits, get one side to draw the border, and the other one to choose which bit they want. King Solomon overrated for his wisdom in that incident, John. King Solomon said,

why don't we cut the child into the bogus mother said yeah that sounds perfectly fair but the real mother said no no let her keep the baby showing that she was the child's true mother now King Solomon praised for his wisdom in this but the real truth and matter is that King Solomon just loved eating babies because what the Bible does not tell us is tone of voice and And there is a very great difference between saying, why don't we cut the child in two and why don't we cut the child in two. Wine list? Must have not the griny stuff. I'm not an animal. In fact, cutting things in half was King Solomon's only solution to anything. He was a one trick pony. He was all very

well in the baby slicing incidents, but guaranteed to be unpopular in public sector wage negotiations. Now it's time for your emails. And this one comes from Gabriel Reed, who suggests that terrorists stole his kidneys. He writes, in a tactical change of direction, terrorists have taken accused from urban legends and have stolen my kidneys. On a recent trip to a small farming community in Iowa,

I was roofied with a Chinese toy, only to wake up in a bathtub of ice with my kidneys missing. When will this terror end, he asks? If so, I'm unsure if the world has the resolve to stop these Islamophashists. I pray that the Brits and the Coalition of the Willing will send in all ten of their troops with dialysis machines and fingernail clippers. Rackets to the nail clippers will need to be put in your check luggage. Thank you Gabriel R. Terrorists how low will you stoop? Is there no

bodily organ you won't steal? Amanda Kay emailed in to point out that if you type into Google French military victories and click on I'm feeling lucky, it will say, did you mean French military defeats? Thank you, Amanda Kay. That's as hard as I've laughed all week. This one comes from Robert in New York. Dear Bugle, I'm another American and I can independently confirm that for the past three weeks, all Americans were in fact ill, moving house and out of town for thanksgiving respectively. I would like to tell the American that I deeply despise his state of New Jersey. I find it to be the most unpleasant state in America, and if you'd be willing to make this a toofa,

I would be delighted if you could also tell the entire state of New Jersey to shut up. The only thing I ever found appealing about New Jersey was a lone vending machine that prepared grilled cheese sandwiches at a highway rest stop. Alas, that vending machine is now gone, which I feel is a metaphor for God for saking that land. Thank you, Robert in New York. That is the garden state you're talking about Robert's, albeit that that garden has become somewhat overgrown. And finally this comes from von Stufen.

Dear John Oliver and Andy's ultimate, I'm thinking of making a pizza. Is this awesome? Yes or no? What do you think John? I'm going to go with, yes, that is awesome. It inspires awe in you, does it John? I am in awe of his pizza-making plan. Sport! Now, and the Miami doffins are all set to complete the perfect season of nothing but defeat.

It really would be a huge achievement this Andy and I'm right behind the Miami Dolphins in their catastrophic attempt to do the winless season. It very much reminds me of these to be this thing called the slow bicycle race. You would have to come last whilst riding your bicycle. You couldn't put your foot down. So you had to be going so slowly that you would become last. They narrowly managed to lose to the Pittsburgh Steelers last week,

only just lost to that. They've got the jets coming up on Sunday who are very bad football team. They're gonna have to pull a big one out of the bag there, Miami, if they're They've got the jets coming up on Sunday who are very bad football team. They're going to have to pull a big one out of the bag there, Miami if they're going to lose to the jets. They're actually playing worse than Miami at the moment, aren't they? Well, that's true. And so they're going to have to really steal defeat from the jaws of victory there, but they can do, I believe in Miami. I think Miami proved with the Waterlogged defeat to Pittsburgh that they can lose in all

conditions. They're really on all-weather team and that is the mark of true lack of class. There are only edge of sporting history here and you know one remembers a team with just one victory in a season but they will remember a team who lose everything so please do send in your messages of support for the Miami Dolphins in their quest towards complete failure. Also in sports, Britain and America are braced for the Ricky Hatten Floyd Mayweather fight. Another classic transatlantic showdown, very much like Churchill against Roosevelt in the ping pong at Yalta. That's cut pretty out of hand.

Roosevelt was out of his chair a couple of times. The more you think the tactics you're going to be in this fight, John, do you think, I mean, I think Hatten is going to try and smack Mayweather about the times. The more you think the tactics you're going to be in this fight, John, do you think, I mean, I think Hatton is going to try and smack Mayweather about the head. That's the problem. I would look out for Floyd Mayweather trying to, I can't believe I'm saying this, punch him in the face. Well, I think Hatton has an answer to that, and that is to punch Mayweather back in the face. It could descend into mindless violence. Let's hope not. Floyd Mayweather is a world-class trash talker, and there was a great photo, and there was a great photo this week of Ricky Hatton sitting next to Floyd my weather and Ricky Hatton was wearing sound proof industrial headphones to block out the trash talking and also on a sad note the world lost

the sport this week as pigeon racing is legally no longer considered a sport it's a sad die and the pigeon racing really just hasn't competed over the years. The sport needs a complete overhaul from the ground roots up. They need to get betting involved, get some character pigeons into the sport to get kids interested. Bring it into the 21st century, sex it up as well. Dress the pigeons in something skimpy. Do they need to make the coups bigger? So it's easier for the pigeons to get in them so you kind of get more goals Maybe maybe Andy maybe the coups you but I don't know I'm not a pigeon expert but

Something has to happen before this noble sport of pigeons flying from one place to another place just completely dies And now it's time for your favorite part of the show, the audio cryptic crossword. The world's only audio cryptic crossword and this week's clue is 11 across. It's seven letters long split into two words of three and four and this is very much. A clue that really drives to the hearts of modern consumerist society. He got ripped off partly on self-indulgent spree. Three, four. No one can accuse you of not seeing this idea through London. I've started, so I will have to finish. No forecast this week, but instead to mark the beginning of Advent we have the Bugles

audio Advent Calendar the first three days of which follow December the first December the second December the third and we're not giving you the advent calendar entries for the rest of the week because we know you can't be trusted, not to open them before the days they're supposed to be listened to. Exactly. So that's all from the bugle this week. John, look after America for us.

We'll do. It's safe in my hands. I don't believe you. You're right not to. Keep those emails coming in, the bugle at timesonline.co.uk and we will lecture you again next week. Bye! Have an unbelievable week! ...