The Bugle - Bonus Bugle – A Twitter Q&A

Episode Date: February 1, 2014

Andy answers your Twitter questions Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, Bughlers and welcome to Bughal 258th, sub-episode A for Apricot. I'm afraid there

is no full Bughal this week as John is, I think I'm right in saying busy, choreographing twerkers of the world unite, the new Marxism-themed pop-op reballae featuring Miley Cyrus as Friedrich Engels and Farrell Williams as a means of production. So instead here is a question and answer session with me and his ultimate reigning UK sitting in a shared champion featuring the questions that you or someone possibly a bit like Cupid different sent in on Twitter on Friday morning. The first one came in from the Gortman 51S, who asks, is the idea that the bugle will continue until you've discovered everything inadvertently penis-shaped in the entire

world? Well, the Gortman, that is indeed the goal. I was always skeptical when I used to hear people saying that they have been put on this earth to do something specific, dictated by some kind of divine destiny, whether that was to eat cabbages really well or score goals or describe furniture in a furniture store or tell parables and do magic tricks. But since the bugle started, I'm starting to understand now, and as long as new species of snake keep being discovered or new prong influenced architecture keeps being erected to the skies or space rockets keep bidding

childish whenever they land on a new planet and draw a junk and two clunks all over it. Well the bugle will live on, fearlessly shining a light whenever a wang-shaped shadow might be cast by it. This one comes in from Nathan Ray who asks, who would you cast as the Englishman counterpart to the American? Well we've already cast it, as you may have noticed if you've been listening for a while, that man is John Oliver. In fact, the original title for this new cast was the Englishman, the Lapsdew, and Scarlet Hanson's bonsai mayhem.

But unfortunately, Scarlet had to pull out when her tiny little tree got eaten by a wolf while she was back home in Mozambique, and she was too upset to even contemplate talking about it anymore. So we decided to plow on without her and broaden the scope of the show, but she still comes to every single recording though, just never speaks, brings back too many bad memories. Isn't that right, love? She nodded. This one comes in from Jose McFisto, who asks, does the bugle expect to make any last minute

transfer deadline day signings? Well, Jose, this is, of course, the 31st of January, the last day of the mid-season football transfer window when football clubs have the last chance to buy, sell, steal, borrow, lend, humanly destroy, crygently freeze, eat, or kidnap an incarcerated new or old players. The bugle still waiting on various signs in various transfer fires, hoping to pick up the writing books so that Malcolm Gladwell on loan for a few episodes. And we're also in talks with the very dead 17th century French satirist Mollier, to stand in from beyond the grave for a couple of months whilst John Films, the legend of the unstoppable Wang Hammer, that's the controversial new bi-pick of St Thomas Aquinas.

Of course, Deadline Day goes back in fact way beyond football. It's always been there, whether people knew it or not, the 31st of January, ever since, really, the Catholic Church signed Silvestre the first to be Pope in the year 314. In 1504, in the Deadline Day Treaty of Leon, King Ferdinand II, manager of the Spanish Kingdom of Oregon, signed the entire city of Naples from France. That's me, one of the biggest transfer deadline-day signings. You don't get a press conference saying, no, no, it's not a panic by, we think Naples can do a terrific job for us, sureing up the midfield, it's a terrific city, and one way to light it to welcome to the club.

And no, we're not buying Burbot off, it's a luxury plier. This question came in from Pencil Blokeke who asks, who would win in a fight between Vladimir Putin and the iron shake? Well, when that is a contest that everyone alive, bugle as included, would pay to see. The iron shake, of course, can make pretty much anyone humble, but Vladimir Putin, he is not a man naturally given to humility, as his political opponents would testify if they weren't in jail or mysteriously disappeared. So I don't know who'd win or I'll make a few calls to see if I can make the fight.

If I can, we will broadcast it in full as live on next week's bugle, Putin and the Iron Shake, Mano-A-Mano, naked by a fireside as God intended. This one comes in from Beans Just, who asks, who will be the next recipient of a f*** eulogy? I'm afraid I cannot reveal that. That would give the guy, or girl, or girl, time to escape the bugle hit squad. We had enough trouble when Gaddafi almost escaped down that sewage pipe.

So I'm going to keep that quiet. Another question that Beans just sent in was should the English cricket team be sent to Tor Afghanistan as penance for their appalling performance in Australia. One of the darkest moments in British history I'm sure all British buglers would agree. I'm not sure actually Afghanistan are actually pretty good at cricket these days. They qualify for next year's World Cup in the way England are playing at the moment. We could lose to anyone, the Vatican have a team now and they've got at least one very

influential supporter. So I think we should just probably retire from cricket for a while. On current form we could probably lose to Baclavia. That's a fictitious country that doesn't even exist and is based on a Turkish pudding. In short, I just don't want to talk about it. Blaster 1969 asks, if you had a choice of any world leader, which one would you choose to replace John? Well, one of two, I think I've thought about this long and hard many times over the last six and a half years. I would say either Angela Merkel closest like for like replacement, good to have continuity in a show, she has in fact stood in from a

couple of times already and none of you noticed so that should be fine. Or Bashir Alassad, I'd like to trick him in with the promise of doing the bugle then hand him over to the relevant international authorities. Now it would probably kill the podcast but that is a sacrifice unprepared to make. I just love international justice and I don't like genocidal crackbots. Don't judge me for it, I cannot help who I am. This one came in from Chris Owen, a fascinating question this, who asks, Will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark? Well, I think there's at least one religion waiting for that boy to be born, isn't there? From memory.

I guess the answer very much depends on a number of different factors. One, does the boy have to do the swimming as soon as he's born? In which case, it's unlikely, I guess, despite the nine months practicing the old and the odd exact. Given 20 years to get up to speed, call a mic and Michael Phelps and you might have a chance. Two, what type of shock are we talking about here? I mean your regular speedy shocks is gonna be tricky, but if you're racing against say a Venezuelan fat shark

or the Madagascan layabout shark or the no-collective Manchurian River shark, then you're sounding a pretty good chance. Three, it depends on if the shark is ill and how ill, you know if it's got a cold and its gills are all bunged up, then you could be in business. And four, it's either boy or shark allowed to use a jet ski, if the boy is. That's probably good news for him, if it's a shark.

I reckon in many ways that does play into the boy's hands, all of which goes to show there are no certainties in life anymore. This one comes in from S.D.C. versus Godzilla. Thank goodness for Twitter to give us just combinations of sounds like that, who asks, is Yanukovic, the only president with a sick note. And well yes, Yanukovic, the Ukrainian boss, has called in sick today apparently, saying that he's too ill to come to work and deal with his nation being on the brink of total meldown. And that's a super tactic. You know, I'd

bring in a note from his mother, please let Victor off brutally suppressing political dissent today. He's feeling very poorly. We'll probably go into this in more detail in next week's show the Ukrainian situation, but he does seem to be going for the sympathy vote, hoping that protesters will think, oh well, this guy is ruining our country and splodging our democracy all over the place, look, a hedgehog under a steamroller, but let's go down some slack, he's got some nasty sniffles. Of course, not the first leader ever to call in, sick King Charles I of England. Exactly 365 years ago, yesterday, as I recall this, the 30th of January 1649, took sick leave, albeit for only about 0.05 seconds when he

clocked off work with an after-looking neck injury, or work related to injury in a lot of ways, until one-twentieth of a second later when the axe finished chopping his head off. Another question, now this one comes in from Lu Samsky, who asks, what does Sultzman mean, and do you have any ancestors of historical note? I'll answer those questions in order. Sultzman means harbinger of everlasting vengeance. I think it's Spanish. And do I have ancestors of note? Yes, Moses, probably. Next question comes in from Mr. 603, who asks, I'll tell the magnificent, thank you for addressing me by my correct title. I'm drafting my wedding speech and I need to pack it with puns. Any ideas that I'll

be able to use? Well, you've already clearly brought one of your own, but to be honest, I can't believe you asked me that. Wedding puns? No, you'll have to think of your own. Ring a friend up, right away. Order your own. And if it's not working, learn from Star Wars. Use divorce. This one comes in, let's move on. This one comes in from Daddy Mighty Zim, who asks, what's Andy's hair routine and how long does it take while I have been waiting many years for a bugle to take some interest in how I get my lovely locks looking so glorious on a daily basis. And while it takes between 5 and 7 hours each day and involves the freshly-duced Sierra River Patagonian toothfish filtered through the beak of a pretty flamingo. I rubbed that then on my freshly shaved

pait every single morning at 8am precisely. I then lie in a darkened canoe for four hours until the hair is grown to the right length. Of course, you don't need me to tell you with those kind of products on your hair is going to come out all straight. So to curl it up, I shout at myself in a mirror for between one and three hours to intimidate my hair into curling up in a terrified ball of shame. But still, it's strong branding, so it's worth every second. This one comes in from Bandito Fury, which is a terrific name. I think I was once in a band called Bandito Fury, kind of a Mexican punk-funk fusion band. Anyway, why does Andy love puns so much? Is it because he likes to make other suffer? That's why I like them, writes Bandito Fury.

Well, do I do puns because I like inflicting pain? Well, I wouldn't say it's the most important reason. Moving on, not quite swiftly enough, this one, from Proff Schminzki. What do you think of the new test-going stratum, is it worth travelling to from Crystal Palace, getting a bit local here for any South London bugle as well as stratum's gleaming new soup market just up the road. For me, it's an architectural and spiritual marvel very much The acropolis of the 21st century, but they've at least actually got round to put in the fucking roof on It's already one of stratum's leading tourist attractions

Which is more true than would be ideal on a number of levels This one comes from this is your laugh who asks my question should the bones of King King Richard III be interred in Leicester, or York, or anywhere else? Well, of course this sort of first of the big story in Britain over the last, probably the biggest story of the last 100 years, the discovery of the bones of Richard III, the alleged child killing hunchback despot King of England who had his clogs very forcibly popped at the battle of Bosworth in 1495. His last words, according to Shakespeare, the prominent late-tued up propagandist and playwright were, a horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse. No takers, OK, I'll haggle my kingdom, and a lifetime supplier, free lager for a horse. Still no. OK, my kingdom for three courses of a horse. Actually, that's no use.

More on you guys drive a hard bargain. Is there any chance whilst we're negotiating this that you could stop stabbing me quite so much? Thanks. Now, okay, right, my kingdom, 12 months free subscription to Wars of the Roses monthly magazine, what the heck, I'll chuck in a couple of my brother's daughters too as wives for someone and a new Lamborghini for a horse. Or for one horse deal, we have a deal. Ah, I'm already dead. Safe, we're ended up trimming it down a bit for the final edit. Well, I would say, regarding to what happens to his bones, Big Dispute, which in which they should be in York, where the seat of his family power or lester,

where he was discovered under a car park, at the start of last year, I think, well, he was king of England, he belongs to all of us. So, I therefore think his bones should be ground down into dust and surreptitiously introduced to the food chain, maybe in flour at a mill or a bread factory, or wherever they make flour and bread these days. So we could all share in the magic royal bones by possibly eating

some king in a sandwich. That seems fair to everyone. I think it's also what he would have wanted, or at least it beats, being buried under a car park for over 500 years, particularly as cars didn't even exist for at least the first 400 years of that. Pretty humiliating for a guy who wants sat on the English throne. Well, that's I'm afraid all we have time for this week in this week's brief bonus bugle. Thank you very much for sending in your questions. Sorry if I'll not answer your specific question. I'm really really sorry I can barely even live with myself anymore but let's try to stay strong and get through this temporary crisis. We will be back next

week with Bugle 259 including an aviation feature section, good air travel, ever take off. Was a question they were asking themselves 100 years ago this year, plus, pig face censorship. Yes, I imagine we now have your full undivided attention for that story. Are you creating an update and Sean and news plus much much more or maybe exactly that amount or slightly less. But we will be back with a full bugle next week. Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. Keep your emails coming into info at the buglepodcast.com and don't forget you can get your merch including the spectacular bugle scarf which I've just received which is arguably

the greatest item of neck wear ever devised by humanity. If you like things that are bright orange with carting versions of my face and your none other's face on. That's all at theBuglePodcast.com. Until next week, Bugleers, goodbye. Goodbye.