The Bugle - Bonus Bugle – Late love and Live

Episode Date: February 18, 2018

Some classic Valentines bits from Andy and John, and some Satirist For Hire from Aldershot and Dublin Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugles and welcome to Bugagle 459 Sub-episode A. We are having a week off this week in an effort to stop all global news from happening. And because I'm on tour, and it's half-term. And the heat death of the universe is only 5 billion years away, so what's the point? Instead, we have a sub-episode for you containing some classic Beagle Valentine's Day facts from the bugle fact archives The primary repository of historical veracity in the known world plus some choice snippets from my recent satirist for Harshoes in Dublin on the 11th of February and way back in the icy bleakness of January all the short Well, I was up with you because get one of the two people to send in advance a number of topics you

sent. For the second time in a row, I've been out of the UK for a few days before your show at the Westy. All right, Columbus, don't flash it about, mate. I'm all travelled. I would like you to satirize this. Hotel breakfasts. When that was the idea when I started this show, so people could have the big political issues of the world that are really affected and deeply satirized. So hotel, so have you, how long have you been away? Three nights.

Was this work or holiday or? Oh, holiday, right. And hotel, they upset you the hotel breakfasts? This is saying bonkers in there, the right. Well bonkers in there, right. All right, and you want just a single standardized global breakfast. Is there not enough uncertainty in this world? Why must we have the division over whether we should have

bacon and eggs or pancakes or whatever the Belgians eat? Or Swiss with a f**king moves, what the f**k is movesley? Gravel with dust. A concept of delayed... Guild, sorry. People, yes, well this is it. This is the buffet breakfast. It is a living metaphor for the pitfalls of unbridled capitalism. So every time you go to a buffet breakfast,

you are living out the dangers of a lack of regulation of the global financial markets. I remember that because I've tried this myself. I have no buffet discipline. And the number of times I've been sitting there looking at my fifth sausage and the three uneaten slices of black pudding on my plate. I think we really need to do something more to control the unregulated banking sector. Because I mean, I think humans have no self-discipline at all. And we've seen this.

I mean, I think fundamentally, the way we've left the financial markets as unregulated as a breakfast buffet. So I mean, that was as short-sighted as a man getting a new Labrador and training that Labrador to eat nothing but sausages and scotch eggs and then taking that Labrador with him on a nudist holiday. At some point, obviously going to come back to Bitus. Family show. amser, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, o mean, could the Scandinavians they do go for, they go for pickled fish? Which I don't think is enough at Bow-Way for the Vikings did on these shores. It's not enough. It's too late. Other non-travel thoughts, Jose you asked for, oh, social media bosses, not using social media.

Well, I guess it's the old saying, don't shit in your own lunchbox. And well, I mean, it's not just social. I mean, do you think Ronald McDonald actually eats the shit in his own restaurant? No, he has his own private chef. Ronald McDonald, custard pies, mostly. Occasionally, keys with cheese and egg, maybe a deep pan pizza with mozzarella and salari at foam. Basically, anything that can be smashed in a face, like a media confetti,

the leopards never change their spots, and clowns never change their trousers. That is a horrific fact of life in the circus. But also, I mean, people don't always live up to, you know, what they claim to represent. Popes, for example, not all popes have fully lived out the teachings of Jesus Christ. And in particular, going way back in history, I mean, I'm not going to beat a drum against

the Catholics. Here, I am, uh, lapsed Jewish, as I said, as are indeed all Catholics in a way. I mean, I think that's why I'm so tolerant as a guy, because I view all Christians and Muslims as lapsed Jews like me. So I think I might be something in that. Someone write that down. But the Pope's, some amazing, I mean, if you're compiling your worst ever, Pope's list, some of them are done some incredible things. Pope John the 12th, really leading the way,

but Alex, Alexander the 6th, he had competitive, fornicating competitions, which are on Sky Sports Vatican at the time. LAUGHTER Boniface the 8th, once slaughtered an entire town of 6,000 people, which is not the most Popey behaviour you've ever seen. Is it?

Benedict the night he sold off the papacy, Philip Hammond's kind of Pope August, also renowned as the 11th century's gayest Pope, which was a surprisingly hotly contested title. And also more of a fan of the massive orgy than some of the more sexually jimmyo, folks we've had in recent times, and Pope Rabbi Yichol-Schnack-Skabitskabits,

very bad, Pope, he was appointed in 1979 due to a clerical error, and stepped down immediately after walking into the Vatican on his first day, and appearing on the balcony of St. Peter's with an inflatable Moses, shouting, so you lose as a finally come to your senses after 2000 years. But John the 12th, I mean worst ever, Pope, you talk about social media leaders being a leader, social media leaders being hypocrites. John the 12th ordained a decon in a stable, I guess he's not that far away from giving birth in a manger. I mean, Donald

Trump before Christmas, he said, you know, the Nativity Story shows, you know, what's important in life, you know, the value of family and love. And he said, no, Donald, the lesson from the Nativity Story is what happens if you cripplingly underfund public health care. People give birth in a f***ing farm. There's a good joke in there somewhere, but it didn't come out tonight. John the 12th, he slept with his sisters, he stole money and possessions from the church, he drank toasts to the devil, he castrated a cardinal, he used to invoke pagan gods whilst playing dice, he was quite keen as a hobby on maiming and mutilating his opponents or if you will his Pope opponents. And he ended up being beaten to death with

a hammer by jealous husband whose wife Pope John was in the process of polper doping in a most unpopesope's a manner and one assumes that as he was hammered to death by this the last thought that went through his head was yeah I did kind of had this coming I did kind of have this down. So I assume was going through Colonel Gaddafi's mind as well at the time on aggregate I reckon I'm still ahead I'm just gonna relax and try and make the better of it. He was made Pope at 16 interestingly John the 12 XII. I guess if you're good enough, you're old enough, but it is a risk having you're 16-year-old Pope, but it didn't really work out. Some of

that he got some real stinging criticism from some of the contemporary monk commentators. In fact, this is one manuscript from a monk at the time of the most prominent monk pundits from the Pope of the Day programme, Alan Shirrires. This said at the end of Pope John the 12th's reign, he'll be disappointed with that when you Pope you've simply got to do better. that. When you poke you've simply got to do better. LAUGHTER I'll just run through a couple of the ones that were emailed in shortly before the start of the show. Susie Vermilio.

Hello. Susie, thanks for your financial name, right? Yeah, you've been married into it. Are you married into it? So it's not your business, are you? LAUGHTER I mean, I don't really have fixed fees on whether a yw'r gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r

gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio' middle ground you're in there. Please satirize the fact that Trump's statement that he hopes

quotes all sharks die has led to a flood of donations in his name to conservation charities. This is just wonderful with a smiling emoji. Is that an emoji? Or an emoji? Is it an emoji singular? I don't know. So I'm a bit out of the loop.

But I mean, I think this is, again, everything with Trump is twisted against him. He certainly hopes all sharks die. And that's just realism, isn't it? That is just, I mean, that is a Christian man hoping that we do not discover an immortal shark who turns out to be the real Messiah. So he hopes, because he wants to cling to the idea of a human Messiah. Well, I mean, no one wants a shark's savior. I mean, what kind of standards of behaviour would that set?

You know, there's just an animal that consumes everything in its path with no regard for the welfare. Actually, that's Trump's ideal Messiah. Right, Neil, there's you, hello, Neil. The second of the two emails sent in before 730 today. Glad you're coming back to the Westy, the best art centre in the world. In the world. I've checked, it's not. Sorry.

How do you, how, how does it judge anyway? Because you said, because I just checked the official rankings. It's not top. Top is the Montevideo Tiatricalia des Artes, a Communitardo centrada in Uruguay, followed by the entire city of Dubai, which is a living arts installation of the folly of humanity, and the West End Century is third. It's not bad, not bad, not very well. But in the world, I mean, you get the, obviously, you get the absolute cream of comedy here, clearly that goes, not like the O2, that overpriced police with shit. I want to see something at the O2.

Who's been to the O2 in London? Yeah, to see comedy. Tomorrow I want to see something there a couple of years ago. It was absolute shit, not funny at all. It was a show called Roger Federer versus Raphael Nadal. I don't know how these two guys were really great, but they just hit these little yellow balls at each other. I don't know if it was like Metacomedy,

it was like funny cause it's not funny. I've blamed the office for that. And there's very repetitious as well. Same thing over and out, Stuart Lee's fault, frankly, but a bit of slapped it when the ball went into the net every now and again, but overall bullshit. And there's a support act sitting in the high chair.

He was the best guy, at least he's fucking said something. Um, of course, of course, that's nonsense. Federer and Adal haven't played at the World Tour finals in London since 2011. Anyway, you don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that. That was older shot. Well, I hope, Bugle, is that you had a truly sensational Valentine's Day last week and fell in love with as many people as humanly possible. Now it's time for some Valentine's Day facts, as

brought to you in the past by us. So welcome to February. This is the first February broadcast of the 2009 calendar year. February of course, John, the newest month of the 12 current first choice months being used at the moment. Roman King, Newmer Pompilips, invented February and its close buddy January. When he realised that the Romans were wasting the first 59 days of the year sitting around doing sweet German momma crankshaft, waking from March to begin. Now, of course, being the last month that we discovered, John, February had to make

do with the very last few remaining scrap days left over after the other ones have had their fill plus 12 days given to it by September. Which until then had clocked another big fact extended 42 days. For more than a thousand years February was roundly teased by the other ones until some Valentine the patron saint of Hackney chat up lines and clumsy passes posted himself anonymously to a nun he fancied on the 10th of February one year. Arriving by second class post four days later, a hungry, cold and urine-soaked Valentine,

tumbled out of his cardboard and bubble wrap package onto the nun's floor and recited these lines. Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a rhino and bed and I'll bet you are too. Love from Guess Who, before the nun smashed him over the head with a bronze virgin Mary Trophy, she'd won the previous day as mischaced for 53 AD. Valentine's slump to the floor mumbled, I wouldn't mind breaking your habits. She clanked him again, he burbled, sister, sizzle more like. She booted him in the head with a size 9,000,000

non-boots and he whispered, I love you so much, I've fallen to bits. Now with what your whimple and show me at which point she bodyslamed him, whilst screaming, I'll marry, full in your face, and Valentine died instantly, but happily. Of course, the big save was then commemorated by Valentine's Day, which, along with February's relaunch as the end of winter month, thrusted into the mainstream as a month where it has remained ever since. It's been month of the year on 14 occasions, most recently, in 1935.

There, but a background on February for you there. Oh, that was from the mind of Andy Zoltzman father of two. I'm 34 I'm 34 John and to illustrate quite how soon today I am to their responsibilities the owner of responsibilities of fatherhoods a couple of weeks ago I bought a new shirt for our Comedians Tuesday football game on its bright pink and it's awarded to the person who does the worst miss Of the day how I also ordered some big letters to go on the back, spelling out the word loser. I'm a 34 year old father of two, an Oxford graduate.

Where's it all gone wrong? Anyway, we'll be getting February the 2nd, February the 1st, John, 60 years since the end of wartime clothes rationing in Britain. And I think it's fair to say, John, that neither you nor I have fully adjusted. You wouldn't know. That's a free rationinue level to you.

It's Valentine's Day on Sunday. Oh yeah. Yeah. Valentine's Day on Sunday, the 14th of February. And it's been marked by a very controversial story here, John, that has yet again torn Britain apart at its very scene, which a primary school in Somerset has banned pupils from sending valentines cards to each other to save them the, quote, emotional trauma of being rejected.

Oh dear. I think it's a very bad move and because it is important that children are the earliest possible age have their hearts trampled to the ground and their souls crushed. Yeah, well that's a good building and he sets them up for the real world they're about to enter. They need to learn how to deal with the rejection because rejection, John, to me, is the beef mince in the bolonase of life without it lacks depth and texture. And I think as a nation we are bad at dealing with rejection ever since the Empire said that's it it's over Britain I've had enough and

Britain replied I can change just give me the chance I promise I won't exploit you again. You're f**king grateful bitch. I think the best Valentine's date card I ever had and I think I was like around nine years old And there was a girl who gave me a card which wasn't as much affectionate as it just, it had a 10 point breakdown. Why do you not like me? And there was 10 point argument, which is pretty advanced for a nine year old.

To which my only response could be, I just don't see the point of view yet. I didn't even know yet at that point. Just thought I just don't get the point. Where is she now? I don't know. yet at that point. I just don't get the point Where is she now? I don't know I don't actually can't even remember a name Andy's not sad What you're listening I tell you what I would like to know and the first girl I ever loved right was I was five years old here

Sarah Constable and I loved her because she had blue glasses I remember and very shiny black sandal shoes. I thought both of those things were very cool. She's shallow bastard. I was ahead of my time in terms of how vapid I was. Now personally Andy I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day but even I wouldn't take it as far as Saudi Arabia, who on Thursday launched a nationwide crackdown on stores selling items that are either red or heart shaped or in any other way alluded Valentine's Day, which is banned there. They've officially banned it. Red colored or heart shaped items are legal apparently other times of years, but as very important news, they

become completely contraband in Saudi Arabia. Boy they you know they never cease to surprise with just how intolerant they are. I don't like particularly like the day either but easy. I think this thing about rejection, a learning to accept rejection is very important. John and because you know I've learnt to deal with rejection, I got learned to deal with rejection. I've got rejected a number of times. I got rejected when I applied for a job to be a sub editor for potato processing

international magazine, back in 1997. I wasn't even good enough for that. But it's made me think how much, how differently my life could have turned out if I'd got that job. You've been great to that. You've been the best potato processing rider of all time. I firmly believe that. I just think by now, you know, I might be able to move sideways and work on its

sister publication, Potato Storage International, that was launched in 2004. Please, guys. Please tell me that isn't true. Please, please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please, please tell me that isn't true. Please, please tell me that isn't true one of the publishing houses other marquee titles such as Asia Pacific Baker or European Baker. Who knows? But why not? You've cried more too many times Andy. I don't believe these exist. By now I could be the Randolph Hearst of Business to Business Trade magazine specialising in the Starchie Foods industry. But instead I had to settle for showbiz! Max Mather, Rejections John, offered to do a free encore at the comedy store in Manchester

December 2002. That was rejected pretty voluptly. And unanimously. Polite Recrease to joining the cricket team, rejected. Fully costed plan to get my school to launch a nuclear weapons programme, rejected. Apparently the last chemistry teacher tried to end up blowing half a Kent. And a demand for a state immunity from prosecution in return for information about who killed the queen mother, rejected. So I'm just all I'm saying kids is learn to live with it. And now I send Valentine's Day Fact Box. Anonymity is a key planker of what Valentine's

Day is all about. Some Valentine after whom the day is named, took this anonymity so far that nobody knows who the f*** he was, or where the f*** he was from, or even exactly when the f*** he lived. All that's known about him is that he's almost certainly dead by now, probably the victim of a martyrdom related crime, and that when he was alive he loved writing rhyming couplets inside folded over bits of card and eating pink food. Also the traditional anonymity of Valentine's Day is where the perpetrators of the Valentine's Day massacre were able to keep the authenticity of secret. If the massacre had happened on any other day of the year, legally they'd have had to fess up. Also there were many famous romances

sparked into life on Valentine's Day, a sultry screen sex r and sorsetress Marilyn Monroe, wooed ace player I Arthur Miller with a Valentine's Day card containing a four-act play about the Salem Witchcraft trials. Preface with the poem, If it was 1692, I'd put my witchy spell on you. Miller later claimed the worker's own and called it the crucible. Queen Victor in Prince Albert got together and he organised a 21 can and salute to her in Morse code, spelling out the words, Hey Quidi, you've set my tutonic heart a buzz in, don't be put off just because I'm your first cousin. And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, they hooked up on Valentine's Day 2002

when they were both stood up by blind dates at Jongler's comedy club in Birmingham. Oh, incidentally, they're both split up from their previous partners, exactly one year before Pitt left his then-girlfriend, the former secretary of state's Madeline Orbright. After she received a car that he thought might have been from Yassa Arifat, whilst Jolie dumped her boat in 1979 world Snooker Champion Terry Griffiths. After he insisted on practicing his break-off shots rather than going out for a romantic dinner. And famously and disastrously mythological

Greek king Eda Pus and his mummy got together on Valentine's Day. After she sent him a jockey Valentine's Day card as a nice maternal gesture in case he didn't get any from the girls in his school. He took it just a little bit too seriously. And some duke of Valentine's Day tips, including how best to approach the subjects. Whilst guaranteeing the level of anonymity that guarantees your intended love will remain completely unaware. While the best way is to infiltrate your local radio station as a newsreader and deliver a bulletin, in which the first letter of each word when written out spells out John Keats' hit platinum-selling love poem Brightstar, would I

were steadfast as thou art, alternatively get your best friend on whom you know your valentine has a long standing crush to write the card for you, obviously in their own handwriting and sign it with their own name, that way your would be love will have no idea that it is actually from you. And also, never deliver a good Valentine's message at gunpoint. Back to Saturist for High Now and we're going to pop across the Irish Sea to the wonderful city of Dublin so Tib's Ashton are you here?

Hello, you also asked about not Nigel Faraj and Well, his proposal Ireland should rejoin the Commonwealth Who's in favor of that The old buddy's club. I think sport is the closest we ever get to apologising for some of the, what might be described as procedural glitches of our imperial age. And Crick, sorry? Cricky. a'r imperial age. A'r cry? Sorry? Yn yw'n cry?

Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry?

Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry?

Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n cry? Yn yw'n gweithio'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r ffodd o'r f regretted them yet, but we know that there is the potential to regret them. That's very much. And there's a step forward. Baby steps, baby steps. But the closest we ever get is letting other countries beat us at sports, sports that we invented cricket in particular, Bangalore, 2011, the Irish, the Ireland cricket team, beat the England cricket team. Yeah, yeah. Led by Kevin O'Brien, who had died his hair pink for the occasional. So we were beaten in the cricket match, A by Ireland and B by Guy with pink hair.

That truly felt like the end of the English civilization. I mean, absolute lowest point. But, uncleley, we could have won that game. We had you guys on the rack. But no, we thought of the broader picture, the conciliation between our nations, and we let you win. So that's, and sport is you win. So that's it. And sport is about joy. That's what sport is all about joy.

It's about bringing happiness to people. And we brought happiness to Irish people that day. We brought happiness to millions of Indians, Australians, back at another work. We're very good at it, really. Anyway, on a sports note, the growing suggestion that Dublin should be split into two counties for Gaelic football due to their dominance. Yn yw'r gwyllun sy'n y ddublon sy'n yw'r gwyllun sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ddublon sy'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn o'r i'n ffasyn or i' where you make people so relaxed and happy that they just splirt all their secrets out. But it didn't work, so they then switched to waterboarding,

which conversely sounds fun. But... But it's not. It's amazing number of things that sound fun, but aren't, for example, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE bedtime story for a child. Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun. Sleep well cupcakes. LAUGHTER So that's the origin of trampolining.

The origin of, well, hurling, well, this goes back a long way. Do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, Do you, do you, do you, do you know the origin of Hurley? It's quite an interesting story. Yeah, the origin, uh, It's a slightly more dangerous version of war. So any more dangerous version of war. It's not that, it's, it's actually came after St Patrick had chased the snakes out of Ireland. He thought, what next? He thought, I'm gonna hit the hedgehogs out of Ireland as well. I don't know.

Just know. BEEP! Patrick, we don't mind the hedgehogs. Oh, well in that case, I'll focus on catapulting the pigeons into space. Look, it was really just a f***ing snake's Patrick, but let me do my job. I'm going to discus the tortoises into the Atlantic. No. Right. And, um, who said comedy can't be educational?

Now, uh... uh, Gaelic Football, that goes back to the legendary Irish king, uh, might have pronounced this wrong, Groyer Foroilrock of... of dumb graphics. Um, he defeated the Vikings at the Battle of Strogagagalan by chopping off the head of Viking leader Eric the shit and kicking it first over and then into the open mouth of a dragon. So it's

Dublin very dominant in football. Yes and so what do you think something needs to be done about it to make it more? I mean, maybe you could just try selling all the clubs to Russian oil billionaires and dodgy oil magnates from the Gulf area. Because that's what sports really about. You know, perhaps when you think of all those Bangladesh-y slave labourers in the UAE who are going to be watching Manchester City thinking, yes, that is my team, that is my... All those oil workers in Siberia when a bram of its bought shells, you think, at last, I have something to work for. Are you fans of football? Soccer football? Yes, because I like all sports generally, but I get annoyed by players' fainting injury a fwy'r f decision, they turn to the priest and the priest slays a goat. Slice it's opens, it's gots, rips it open and looks at the entrails of this dead goat and says, yeah, that was

offside. And I think we'd respect that just as much as long as you do it with confidence and as long as there's consistency, that's what the fans want. Ryan Kenahan, you hear thanks for this, Ryan, would you please satirize how everyone thinks their kid is a genius? Well, I mean I know my kids are geniuses, it's not the same for me. But I have noticed traveling around Ireland, there are quite a lot of statues of the ultimate mother who thought their kid was so special. Oh no. Don't. APPLAUSE Come. Oh.

That joke could have gone in a number of different ways. I'm glad I had your legs. Look, as I said, I'm Jewish, so that jokes fine. Anyway. And you also ask, I teach architecture. Ooh! All right, Christopher Ren, don't fucking flash it about, mate. Now, I... I could really do use a few puns,

any chance of an architectural pun run. So, well, well, I mean, it's always a risk doing this not as a very last thing of a gig, but I had a friend who was, I had a friend who was an architect. So, look, so people who do not listen to the bugle, this bit will now be very confusing indeed. And this friend who was an architect, he won on a award, who had to go and collect it at a gala ceremony in the US.

He said, I'm going to invite all my favourites for democratic presidents, Jimmy, Bill, Baroque. And I said, what do you think the American people voted for Trump? And he said, simple. They got thick. Got thick. Got thick. Yeah, they saw going to be architectural style. So, strapping. I said, I think that's an oversimplification, mate. Anyway, we started discussing which historical figures he'd hypothetically like to invite to his dream fantasy awards ceremony.

He said, Genghis Khan, Alleric Navishigoth, Ivan the Terrible and Attila the Hun. Gosh, I replied, that is a brutal list. LAUGHTER Thank you. And we also, it wasn't just an architect, he said of a business selling decorative fossils and French water. He called it the Rock O'Coe. Anyway, well, why was it at his house? His phone went off, made his dog bark. There were lots of bow-houses.

Bow-house. Bow-house. Bow-house. And he said, I've got to take this. I said, is it a booty call? And he said, not exactly. It's my collie dog who lives with my animal film obsessed ex-wife over the pond in the big apple.

So no, it's not a booty call. It's a New York classic call. The Nick. Does that work? Neo classical, New York. Anyway. He spent a lot of time in America with his celebrity friends. He told me he had once gone to a party with Simon and Garfunkel and had seen the latter in deep conversation with the 1988 Olympic 100 meter champion Florence Griffith Joyner. Wow I said, I had no idea that art knew flow.

Art knew flow. Anyway. Just two more, two more. So my friend, he was obsessed with the Old Testament. He designed an arc. It was 14 stories high, his arc. He had different decks for all the different groups of creatures to minimize the risk of predation. He explained, I put the apex predators on Decay, right at the top. He got scavengers on DecC, for example, poultry on DecH. And I said, where have you put the snakes? And he said, I hate those slithery bastards.

Want them out of the way, right at the bottom. On Decay, I said, no, there's no Decay, because it looked like Dec1, wasn't it? So they're not on Decay, and I said, ah, Dec0. LAUGHTER Now all the dismount. Anyway, but you also, you had to work on a farm for a bit when business wasn't so good. But he had this almost supernatural intuition where if I went to bring in dried grass before the weather turned and it started pissing it down. He had an amazing rain hay sense.

Right, that is it. Well, that concludes this week's free bonus sub-bugal bugle I do hope you've enjoyed it. Don't forget to come to all of the remaining tours on my satirist for high show and send in your emails satiriselessatsaturistforhigh.com. The remaining shows are the 19th of February in Canterbury that is alarmingly soon or already in the past depending on when you listen to this. Then the 26th of February in Newcastle the 27th in Chorley and the 3rd of March in Cambridge finishing on the 4th of March in Bristol. Also I'm doing a charity fundraising gig on the 1st of March in Bri. Also I'm doing a charity fundraising gig on the first of March in Brixton in London in aid of refugees who generally could do with a little bit of help. I will tweak details of that in the near future. And my show at the Melbourne International Comedy

Festival in April is now on sale details on the internet. I will also be doing shows in Sydney, Auckland and Wellington and don't forget the radio topia live tour of the East Coast of the USA begins on the 7th of May. Do come along to see a Bugle Stroke Illusionist mash up featuring me and my sister Helen Zoltzmann. Next week we will have the best bits of the Bugle live show at the Leicester Square Theatre in London featuring Nish Kumar and Alice Fraser. Until then, buglers, goodbye! you