The Bugle - Bonus Bugle – More LSQ and some Davos Classics

Episode Date: January 27, 2018

We're not sure why we cut these bits from last week's show, there's some proper gold here, from Andy, Alice and Mark Steel.Plus: some classic Bugle with Andy and John Oliver.With@HelloBuglers@Aliterative@MrMarkSteel@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Here comes producer Chris.

This is him in three dimensions. A genuine three-dimensional entity, Chris. Most of you probably used to sing him in zero dimensions. This is what he looks like. And he's sitting down at his special producer desk. And what a producer this young man is. He just has to look at something to produce it. He's like King Midas, but with broad castable audio files

instead of gold. Which is good news for everyone, apart from perhaps the global economy. Chris, for those of you audio-watching the recording of this show at home, he's sitting at his little miniature desk now, getting ready to produce something. Little crack of the knuckles there to show this crowd whose boss. And well, everyone now just waiting for that moment's win. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to Bugle sub-episode

4,057 A is for advoct. I am Andy Zoltzman, and unfortunately various circumstances conspired to prevent the recording of a full on new slab of raw bugle this week, which was a shame, because the world has been churning out some ripe old nonsense, as seems to be its habit these days. So instead, for your delectation, we have more from the bugle live show in London on the 18th of January, plus a delve into the Bugle archives for some classic world economic forum action from Davos 2009. Classic Davos that was.

Lovely to know that the rich and powerful of the global economy are still going strong after all these years, you simply have to admire their stamina and stickability. But to start with, we're going back considerably less far in time to last week's live bugle with Alice Fraser, Mark Steele and me. It's global armageddon news now and the world was within minutes of nuclear war due to an erroneous text message sent in Hawaii. I'm sure you've all seen this story, Hawaii, how what the f***ing like?

Basically, so they accidentally sent this alert message, ballistic missile threat inbound to Hawaii, so you can meet it shelter, this is not a drill. Now, it turned out that the last sentence of that was true. It was not a drill, it was a f*** up. It was a very, very different thing. Basically, this was, and it took them 18 minutes to send out an email saying, no, that was wrong, and then 38 minutes to send out another text,

in which time the entire islands of Hawaii utterly Shaped themselves Understand it was basically the cold walk condensed into 18 minutes To be fair Andy, I know exactly how that feels because I want send a text message to a date I just had a date with about the data I just had with him that I thought I was sending to a friend. All right, okay Seeker Media Shelter I just had with him that I thought I was sending to a friend. All right, okay. See, immediate shelter. This is not a drill. Stop, drop and roll.

But you're so basically, this doesn't look real to me, I don't know why people fell for this, because there is no emoji on it. Surely, if it was real in 2018, that is going to have a scared face emoji, or maybe even an equanimity in the face of oblivion emoji. Or emoji, is it one emoji? I don't know. But this, an emergency system worker pushed a wrong button during the hand over a shift, which does raise a question, I mean, why are there buttons that... And what are the other buttons other than missile alert and snooze and adjust chair height

or a pizza and maybe spark volcano eruption spark volcano a'r upshin. A'r ddwy'r siwy'r hawai haes a'r ddwy'r siwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r dwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r ddwy'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith and a lot of golfers thought they were about to meet their maker as the weapon approach. Other than the heroic Patten Kizaya who let me emphasize I have not made up. I know that sounds like a kind of name that I might have made up. He's a real golfer, the six foot five inch Alabama man. Is that what do you call someone from Alabama? Alabama, Alabama? Yeah, Alabama, yeah. Yeah, Alabama, yeah. Alabama, yeah. Alabama, yeah.

Alabama, yeah. Alabama, yeah. Alabama, yeah. He's, of course, he tied 68 to the 2016 Open Championships, of course. So he's not the kind of guy that routinely worries about the end of the world, but after this hoax, well, this is going to bogus threat, he said, I'm glad to be alive, hashtag perspective. And do you know what happened next? He won the f***ing tournament. He won the tournament, he hit his golf shots

with his golf clubs on the golf course into the golf holes and golfed his way to golf victory. Now, one can only assume that now, Pat and Kizai is a massive fan of false nuclear alarms. And he will barely be able to function as a human being or a golfer without that. Now, if, just before the Masters in April, there is a sudden unexpected alert

about an incoming nuke heading towards Augusta, look no further than pattern Kizai. He will be trying to cheat that tournament. I mean, generally, when people get perspective, they stop playing golf. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I mean, generally when people get perspective, they stop playing golf. LAUGHTER Well, there's some other reactions. John Peterson only ranked 670-9th in the world,

so his opinion is worth less than 10% of the 54th rank pattern Kizziah. He tweeted that he was under mattresses in the bathtub with his wife, baby and in laws now that That's a fucking big bathtub That leads me to believe that golfers have paid too much money no one to be able to afford a bathtub that can fit their in laws in it And did he think that that was gonna save him? Did he say to the in-laws you climb on top you'll take the blast? You're in the mattress. I'm hoping in 10 minutes the radiation will be cleared up and go back and finish

the 7-pound. And also Charles Howell III, he said, I didn't know what to do. And well I mean that shows the flip side of being a pro golfer. You can hit a 270-yard three-iron with draw and backspinter with an 18 inches of the fin whilst factoring in the wind, the speed of the greens, the ambient air temperature, what kind of mood physics is in, with the infinite necessarily calibrated muscle memory, honed over decades. But he cannot perform a basic nuclear safety drill. What kind of f***ing life is that?

Do you think they'll have just carried on if the blast has gone off and then the caddy would have had to calculate the radio, if it was going to affect, that you're going to need to send this a bit to the lift? You'd hope so, wouldn't you? And you hope a test match would carry on in the event. Because they can add the extra half hour on the end of the play. I mean, in response to this alert, families, panics, people sort, fragile, shelter, and told their loves one, loved one,

they loved them. And Twitter went mental, proving in a true double-blind test that even when ballistic missiles are coming to explode you and everything you know, modern man, will still be tweeting about it. Which I think is good. Musician Darcy Hanneman tweeted, I'm currently in Hawaii, so 45 minutes ago, I thought I was going to die by ballistic missile and now I'm making pancakes. Life is wild.

I was just thinking that in Australia, in Australian conditions, that in a nuclear blast, there's ballad swing more Yeah, because there's a real lack of sideways movement in the asses Yeah, nuclear winter firms up the pitch real good though, so you get sweet bounces You know there will be you know that in the last minutes that that is what some people be thinking And by some people you mean Andy. Well, it did make me think, you know, if I was suddenly thought I had 18 minutes or less to live. I mean, what would you do with that?

I mean, I would probably watch, go on YouTube and watch the highlights of Ian Boatham's 118-Altrafford in 1981 and maybe think about my kids for a couple of seconds in the toilet. Well because my kids are older I could get them to go and make me a cup of tea while I watched the last 18 minutes of the edge best in my bonding over sport. What would you do if you were, you know, fearing an instantaneous missile death? How did you, when you lost ten days? I am all for nuclear armageddon. So long as I mean, in my head nuclear armageddon involves a sort of a fashion forward mad, max meets music video aesthetic.

And lots of people being really cool and survivalist, but importantly having all of their faces and skin on. I'll be fine in a nuclear arm again. I've got basic carpentry skills and childbearing hips. I'll be fine. But it's got to happen soon in the next five years or so as my dad keeps telling me. I have neither of those two things. But you know, I do console myself that what people will always need in a long nuclear winter that follows such thing. People will always need cricket statisticians. So I'm just going of the core jobs to save the world. 20 places in London for the New Clear Bank. So we've got cooks, they're probably sitting a priest down there, weren't they? But who's going to remember Jimmy Anderson's average?

Jimmy is overall career average or his average career average? His average playing counting. Well it could be a disastrous time for fans of feeding children, sugary drinks. To reason my, our Prime Minister, God rest her soul if it is ever found. She's considering a UK-wide ban on the sale of high energy drinks to under 16s. I mean, already I mean, mark your kids are beyond 16, but you can't give young children beer to calm them down. And now we're able to give them energy drinks to perk the f***ers up. So how are we supposed to control our children without resorting to actual parenting,

which none of us wants to risk in this day and age? And also, if you give them enough sugar, I mean, history shows, they can clean up to 10 chimneys a morning. So... LAUGHTER Weightros has become the first UK supermarket to ban sales of energy drinks to under 16s. I mean, concerns about high level of sugar and caffeine and their impact on children's

health and behaviour. I mean, I call them energy drinks and probably so do you, but the Guardian calls them so called energy drinks, like Trump, dissing a judge. According to mainly all scientific sources, the consumption of energy drinks is a huge contribution to sugar intake, which is linked to the development of obesity and various types of cancer, as well as type 2 diabetes, and is rotting our children's teeth. I mean, what is the world coming to Andy with this nanny state business? If children cannot be trusted to resist advertising deliberately targeted at their vulnerable half-formed

minds and control their own sugar intake, who can be trusted. And it's worse than in any state, where rewriting history didn't marry Poppins the first night and Annie to rise from the primordial soup over 3.5 billion years ago, seeing that song, about 20 teaspoons of sugar in a liquefied form helps the gluconoritate and toaren godown. Mae'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i now in mind that age and you go in the supermarket and it's just everywhere. And then you get to the checkout and there's just piles of chocolates with signs up saying, tell if your dad doesn't buy you at least four bars, you were adopted and there'll be a giant life-sized chocolate baboon or something that says, no, it's just not

everywhere, just everywhere. And then they keep saying, the supermarket said, one of them's coming, which one? They've CEO questioned about this, said, we are trying to cut down the amount of sugar in our drinks. But how can you try and not manage? Are they going, no, I can't stop!

I'm addicted to pouring sugar in drinks. LAUGHTER So no wonder everyone's a big fat pig, is it? It's all about self-restraint, right? You gotta learn self-restraint as a child. I as a twin, when my twin, like you guys all ate your twins in the womb. I f***in' held off and now I'm nearly 30, so mm-hmm.

It's a good investment. There's always health cares. Just the latest. There's always more process meat always getting it now. Latest government advice has eating a salami bagel. It's tantamount to going over the top at the battle of passion dial. Wearing a luminous codpiece, so that's... Be careful. Careful what you eat, people. Let's be a tattoo. Let's be a tattoo.

Also, uh, also in the bin, well, we look at the Fake News Awards that were announced today and devastating news for the bugle, Chris. Donald Trump's fake news awards, not even a f***ing nomination. We look at the Fake News Awards that were announced today and devastating news for the Bugle Chris. Donald Trump's fake news awards not even a f***ing nomination. What kind of fresh bullshit is that? Although I'm not sure if you'd be pleased to get a bullshit award from Trump. I mean, yeah. I guess it's a bit like being just an ordinary painter decorator, getting given a price

for best ceiling by Mark Alangelo. You think, really, I could be raising my game. And we look at the new Bitcoin after the Bitcoin crash. Who owns Bitcoin here? Yeah, I mean, what the fuck do you own that for? LAUGHTER I mean, we're looking at the new, in the bin this week, in our finance section, the new Cryptosudo currency,

GRRR, which is based on how threatening you sound We're looking at the new in the bin this week in our finance section the new crypto pseudo currency Guru Which is based on how threatening you sound when you save a syllable Guru and also tulips will I make a comeback? Off the famous speculative bubble in the 17th century Holland. We ask Do we need tulips back to bring some sanities to the economic marketplace? It's not like they can be any more stupid than more stupid than your stupid f***ing b***ing. What do you do with the b*** coins?

Chris, can you take the mic out? I want to get some... Where is the b*** coin? Right. Is it not just even more bullshit than bullshit itself? How do Bitcoin work? And, well, I mean, do they work? No, not really.

So... I'm basically holding them to support North Korea. You're holding them to support North Korea? Okay, well, that's good. Because essentially it's... Is it not basically a homeopathic finance, essentially? You've just got to believe in it, and it becomes true. Yes, that's all right. I don't trust it.

At least with a tulip, you could smear it in your face and make yourself smell floral, so... Anyway, thanks to that in-depth view of... That's a kind of rigorous, journalistic investigation the beautiful is faithful. It's a day. a journalistic investigation in the beautiful of the film today. This is a very serious political discussion phase of forget there's just one quick quick story. Oh no we got... Okay question one. All the new cyber threats, all our

computers are gonna run a lot slower. What do you think about that with the meltdown and spectra? You did say they might be something about computers tonight. Oh, yeah, no, that's uh, that's been held off till next week because I haven't been for this run because I was hacked. They should run slower. There's no need. Well, I can't put people to sort of people press a computer. Oh my computer so slow now. It's running so slow, it took me two and a half seconds to get a list of the entire population of Bangladesh. What? Good take it in back.

Give it a patient. How slow is it? Tell me, I mean, that's... What? To do what though? To do normal things up. Whatever you normally do in maybe 10% slow. 10% slow. Are you listening, Syria, we've all got problems. Yeah. Yeah.

Summer's done. Police on about it all the time. When I want it to go on YouTube to see an old episode of Blue Peter, I'd half remembered, and it took 10% longer than I expected. I thought, well, if I was a bloody Syrian, bloody floating across on a pedalow across the Mediterranean, that I put their trifles into perspective. And mostly it's just people angry, isn't it? I just really lost this, that there's not a single collection of words I don't think

on Twitter that you could put on there that wouldn't make someone, you could put, I'm enjoying a lovely sunset across Dorset and someone to go, not so lovely if you suffer from a sunset, a version of Dorsey, it's Syndrome. I have a thought for sad sufferers in future, please. You can piss all of the people off some of the time and some of the people have all of the time. I have done that at some gigs. Next question. I haven't got quite a few today.

Where are they at the back? Chris is a natural athlete watching try and his wire cross is now going to swim across the track. So does that Chris? I've got no route. OK people, come on. I'll be brilliant if Dimble be out to do this on question time. I know the man at the back in the blue, hang on if I can just come across the sir.

Come on please to get a move from the system. Right, please keep your hand up. It's actually a hike back to Bugle Episode 69, there's the first chance we'll ask the new guests. This is a niche request. Who? This is the guest. Who's Ruth with your draw massive penis on and why? So,, this mark goes back to an early episode in probably 2009, I think, in which we covered a story about a boy who drew a 50-meter penis on his parents' roof. They've did this massive, great pile in the countryside, and they didn't find out about it for months afterwards.

I can't remember what we, I mean I remember doing something about it being the court from the the Eaton roof game that I'm and there was various scoring things like the shafting and whatever, but it's brilliant though isn't it? It's it's funnier you can't say it's not funny to draw yeah because all about context isn't it?, obviously, if you've got went on stage as your show and went, and that was it, that would be. But in context, on a roof, or if I'm in Holmes, came on the tele one morning and just drew a massive penis, that would be funny, wouldn't it? Absolutely.

Or the queen for a Christmas year. I thought I'd start liking this. It'll context everything, isn't it? Alice, who's roof would you paint an enormous wang on? I would get more historical and just start putting them on hills again. All right. See if I can lure in some sort of cult following. Yeah. It's what made this country great.

Yeah, we had the Sir and Abbas giant way before we joined the EU. And since we joined the EU, Brussels only has paint massive cocks on hills anymore. Let's get our country back, people. It's a bright shame. Who's would you do, though? Who's Ruth? Who's penis? Well what a game show that would be. Today behind this Yes. There we go. Yes, the...

Yeah, I can do Injog bonding too, Annie. It's the pitch markings for the old British sport of the roof game, which originated on the roof of the Eden College Chapel in the 16th century. There we go. That's a fact. One of the teams was known as the Bell Ends because they played from the end where the bell of the chapel was. And the other team was known as...

That's it. One team defends the Nudge End, named after the two semi-circular shapes, which looked like an ecclesiastical Nudge, which is a two-headed sector used by school chaplains in medieval times. Hence that team was known as the Nudgeers. So, I'm going... LAUGHTER It's good to know that I've been powering out the satire for nearly a decade on the show.

Is it still played? The roof game, what one would hope so? There should be an illimipiction instead of dressage. But it's now more equal opportunity you have to also draw for gyners on things. Or more importantly, just hide wells in places. Lube up the edges, see who falls in. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER Just one spin of science news. Researchers in Japan have fitted a train with a speaker that barks like a dog and snorts like a deer in order to prevent collisions on the railway. Which is an awesome story for me. This is the greatest piece of technology, a barking train. They're having slight teething troubles in which the barking dog train the attacked a postman, then urinated on a lamppost, and derailed at a level crossing when it tried to hump a tram.

This is great. This is to try and to deter kind of scare animals away from the tracks, so they don't get, because animal versus train generally pretty one-sided contest. Much more one-sided than bird versus plane where you get the odd draw at least. Somewhat... ...somewhat pyrrhic draw. And also in Singapore they've been using robot swans to test the quality of its reservoirs drinking water. There you go. Robot swans in Singapore, robot flamingos are we next, Alice?

I can see the fear in your eyes. I am all for robots swans. Yeah, graceful animal, this one. Well, we know how this f***ing movie ends. It ends up with giant, 100-meter-high robots swans flapping down the streets of New York, pecking police helicopters clean out of the sky before shitting on the Statue of Liberty. Oh, I'd no part of this bullshit. You know the only person who's allowed to be murdered by a robot's one is the Queen. Of course.

Yeah, really. What's finally going to bring down the monarchy? She also owns the former England Spin-Buller Graham Swan. Do you know what I'm talking about? He has to bowler her in the nets three hours a week. That's a fact. Right, we need to... She's brilliant at playing spinners a result. Are you going to get a bonus like him?

Because the guy got the back, he's got a £590,000 bonus. Mae'r gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd yn gyd ynio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd Well, I mean, you can't take notice of severe profit warning, because that's showing weakness, and they can sense it a mile off, it's like, drop a blood in a shark tank, and then you've got to run in a zigzag. Oh, right, so it's... Yeah. So climb a tree, or hit it in the face with a stick, I can't remember. Also, the government just announced a new scheme for junior doctors to take their patients home with them at weekends.

So we can get the full 25, 8, 36, 6 NHS that we all need to give us a bit of wiggle room. Problem is a lot of junior doctors, any junior doctors in tonight? Three, I've managed to price the rest of them out. rest of them out. Welcome. Are you Jeremy Hunt fans? No, you don't have the Jeremy Hunt tattoo. I heard if NHS staff get a visible Jeremy Hunt tattoo, they get an extra half an hour off a year. So they're going to force Junit Doctors. But probably Junit Doctors oeddwn yn ymwch, oeddwn yn ymwch, oeddwn yn ymwch, oeddwn yn ymwch,n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n and you obviously haven't put any money in and you'll be clamped. LAUGHTER And there'll be a big sticker on your own, do not remove. And then, other of these people just lying there, beds for free. Well, you've got it. It's very hard to monetize the ill. Well, three to most tried, didn't you?

That brilliant thing at the start of the election campaign, when she said, well, a marvellous, marvellous way to start an election campaign. If you've got dementia, we'll have your ass off you. That's a genius. And, obviously, I thought, tomorrow, as you say, and furthermore, to raise more funds for the NHS, we're going to charge dementia sufferers twice in the knowledge they've forgotten they've paid the first...

LAUGHTER There will be another live bugle on the 22nd of February at the Leicester Square Theatre, so do come along to that. And don't forget, also to come to absolutely every single one of my UK and Ireland tour shows coming up, Aberdeen on Monday the 29th of January, then Edinburgh Glasgow and Liverpool, Tuesday Wednesday, Thursday, and Corsham on Saturday the 3rd of February. The following week, it's Brighton Leicester Loughborough, then my first gigs in Ireland since I think before Roger Federer won his first Grand Slam tennis title. That's Gullway on the 10th, Dublin on the 11th and Belfast on the 12th, and more shows

thereafter, FullDetailser and exorbitant.co.uk. Also, Attention Australia, I will be returning to this year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival for two weeks from the 10th of April, and there will be live bugles as well and hopefully more Southern Hemisphere dates elsewhere as well, more details to follow soon. It's economics time now, everyone. Calm down, don't get overexcited, please. Honestly, it's like children with a birthday cake be patient. Davos 2009 from bugle 62 with me and a pre-smurfs John Oliver.

The World Economic Forum has started in Davos as well, usually a chance for finance leaders to sit around and chat whilst rolling around in piles of gold and cackling. But not this year, and the number of bankers have decided not to attend, prompting British Chancellor Alistair Darling to pull out of going as well. And by the way, for American listeners, the British Chancellor really is called Alistair Darling. I know that hearing it for the first time can be difficult to believe. You get used to it, but it never stops being ridiculous. Well, of course, every year, the great and the good of world economics gather

in the Swiss Resort of Davos to pat themselves on the back and tell everyone how lucky we are that they invented money before going down a Bob Sledron on a solid gold lose and blowing cigars mokin shallay girls faces But this year they've been wiping themselves on the back Tronically the bird shit off their jacket which has been deposited by the chickens which have come home to roost on their shoulders It seems Andy that no one really wants to face the reality of the meltdown that we are currently facing and the word meltdown is never a positive thing to hear a less in connection with a sandwich. Why not? Kind of sandwich. I don't know like a cheese and tuna meltdown. Right. Cheese and tuna, I said I'm holy comedy. Yeah no that was that was that that's a bad. Did I cheese and bacon melt down? That'd be nice. Cheese and tomato meltdown. What was your melt tuna with? I wouldn't melt it with anything

John. I'd have it raw with some wasabi and soy. LAUGHTER Financial experts are starting to sound like a cross between a weather forecaster just before a huge tornado hits. It's all bored your window shut, stand by your radio and stockpile canned goods, and a crazy man shouting at traffic. LAUGHTER

Bankers seem spectacularly unable or unwilling to learn from their mistakes. It was announced this week that Wall Street gave out 18 billion in bonuses over the last year, the sixth biggest amount ever. Wow, Andy, they have got some balls. They have got titanium balls, balls they cannot afford and which we have bought for them. In fact, John Thane, the ex-head of Merrill Lynch, and the man who spent $1.22 million in corporate funds

to decorate his office, including a $35,000 commode on legs, and the man who paid out $4 billion of public bailout money in employee bonuses said, if you don't pay your best people, you will destroy your franchise. What are you talking about? You massive moron! You speck tacky little piece of shit! Your company failed! And it's this kind of balls that destroyed it! You asshole! You know, the talking devil has been so far as being of exactly how totally shawfted the world is.

And it does seem that the world is as totally shafed as someone who's been forced to watch a 1971 black exploitation film about a private detective back to back for 10 unbroken years. Thanks for much. A panel of economists, in fact economists who predicted this crisis and have therefore never been allowed to set foot in Davos until this year, blame the rapidly unfolding map to Schittsville with which our economic and political leaders have been navigating the world partly on the culture of short-term reward for long-term risk. And at Nassim Talab, the former derivatives trader and author, described derivatives trading as being,

quote, all about how to make a bonus and screw your client, which makes it, as a profession, the exact equivalent of prostitution, especially if you leave the S off the word bonus. Only its grubbier because your client has not asked to be screwed. How you would feel as you sat in your house as it bobbed up and down on top of a lava jet from an exploding volcano. Yes, it might have been a bit foolish of you to buy the house, even if it had a really nice view and natural underfloor heating. But also to blame are the estate agent who aggressively sold it to you as an unmitable

property in a safe investment with great potential. The builder who didn't bother to make the house volcano proof because he would have cut into his profit margin, the planning officer who gave permission for the house to be built because he hated saying no and ruining people's dreams. These self-appointed, unqualified geologists who said no it's not a volcano, it's a big mole hill, that rumbling you can feel, that's a really big mole. And most of all to blame is Pele. Not the greatest footballer of all time in celebrity for sector me,

reverse her. But Pele, the Hawaiian goddess of Volcanoes, an unquestionable hotty, who not only put the volcano there, but made it erupt when she lost her notoriously magmatic temper. After she caught Greek Volcano, God, her feistus, obviously copying a pervert, her delectable ponzenbees. And as you sit there, John, atop your fountain of fire, waiting for the inevitable incendiary crash down and wondering if any of Florence Nightingale's

boyfriend's ever called her pyroclastic flow after a particularly hot and run bus use encounter. I guess you can console yourself by thinking, well, I guess we're all to blame. We're all to blame apart from that professional volcanologist with a clipboard, who's been locked in a soundproof vault and has spent the last 15 years shouting for f**k's sake, stop building and buying houses on top of volcanoes.

That was Davos 2009 and don't forget there is still time to submit your entries to our Bilderberg group competition to Winnerplace in the inner sanctum of the Global Elite. Well that's your lot for this week. group competition to win a place in the inner sanctum of the global elite. Well that's your lot for this week, we'll be back with a full bugle next week featuring Al Murray plus another bugle debut from the magnificent Jen Kirkman who is currently over from the USA doing a run at the Soho Theatre, so do go along and see that. Until next week bugleers, goodbye! Goodbye!