The Bugle - Bugle 179 – Playas gon play

Episode Date: January 20, 2012

This week – oh PIPA, Republican't candidates and Craptain Italia. Remember to #savethebugle at http://www.thebuglepodcast.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugleaus and the toastiest of all possible welcomes to the new era of the Bugle. We are still here Bugleaus in the post-times online era. I am still and exultamin' on still in London the city chosen to host both the 2012 Olympics and the grumbling both the 2012 Olympics and the grumbling about the 2012 Olympics. And in New York City, USA, it's the Santa Claus of Satao himself, in that he gives you exactly what you ask for once a year.

It's John Oliver! Hello Andy, hello Bueggers, Andy in the words of Braveheart, FRIENDS! His cry of liberty shortly before being cut into pieces by the British and Dye. That's what this bugle is and they were free. No one could take our freedom from us and unless bugle has helped we're going to die in pieces very soon. The point is we're in a brave new world. The bugle has been raised in captivity and this week we're carrying it into the jungle in a special crate, lifting the front of the crate and releasing the Bugle into the wild. We're all either thrive or be dead by sundown and have vultures tearing its

coffers to pieces by morning. That's the law of the internet Andy, only the fittest survive, the fittest and the cutest, but I don't think either of us can bank on that last one working out for us. Oh yeah, I'm afraid I've come up snake eyes on that one. Yeah, and we'll have more details on how you can help keep the Google going later on in the show. Andy, I've got a quick story for you. On Wednesday night, I went to a nicks game with my friend Wyatt, who happens to be African American, and I'm entirely supportive of that choice. And that is a detail that's gonna become important later. Anyway, you've changed a lot of ways.

We got off a ticket to the next game where we could sit right up close and it was incredible. We ended up sitting next to Bismarkey, who, as you know Andy, is a famous old school hip hop artist with Spike Lee on the other side of us and right behind Cuba Gooding, Jr. and it was incidentally great to be sitting behind someone who's made even worse movies than I have. Anyway, at one point, Wyatt got a little thoughtful. I said, oh, what's up? What's up, Wyatt?

And he turned to me and he said, I just realised that present company included every black person sitting down here has come with a white person wearing glasses. And he was right, Andy. I don't know what that spoke to, but the more you looked around, the true that was. And I laughed so hard. I nearly spit some hot dog onto Bismarkey. And you don't want to do that. It's like he says in his song Andy, oh baby you spin hot dog on me and you've got some on my friend. Yes you got some on my friend. Oh baby you. Well John, you've just launched the independent bugle era with some fat shops there mate. Bismarkey, you see I mean, has he sort of branched out from mostly doing stuff about Second World War German battleships?

Or is that pretty much all he wraps about these days? I just wish you were sitting next to him and he could have brought that up. Yeah, so shown. Another time, another time. So this is bugle 179. We could have called it bugle 2.1, but if you think I'm doing myself out of the darts themed intro to Bugle 180 next week, then you are more of a fool than you can possibly imagine. Bugle 179 now means we've done the same number

of Bugles as demands issued by Bobby Fisher before agreeing to a rematch against Little Boris Spatsky. A big, big chess show then in the 70s of course, the International Chess Federation agreed to all apart from two of those 179 demands. At this point, Fisher picked up his bishops and flounced off into total reclusivity. Not the world's greatest negotiator to be fair to the lat. And we will be issuing our own list of demands to you, the bugleess, later on in the show. Keep it alive. Keep it alive. The world's biggest war!

Top story this week. Wikipedia goes on strike. What do we want? Let me just check. Let me just look that up. Oh shit, I forgot Wikipedia's gone down. I think it has something to do with the internet. When do we want it? I don't know, let me just look that up. Oh shit, I forgot Wikipedia's gone down. I think it has something to do with the internet. When do we want it? I don't know, let me just check. How the f*** is that?

I think it was soon, but I'm not sure. Shit! And when must it have been a very difficult day for you? Because Wikipedia went on strike and blacked out the entire site. What did you do Andy? Had you prepared, had you printed out some pages of completely useless information to use like methadone to easy self through the withdrawal symptoms?

Or did you just strap yourself into a chair and then stare into a fire and hope that you could somehow make out trivial facts in the patterns of the flames? What's that one? Oh I think the flames say that Chris Ackaboocee had four middle names. That's interesting. What's that one? I think those flames say that almonds are actually a member of the Peach family. That's interesting too. What's this one? Oh, Debra Winger was the voice of ET. That's it. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm going to get back online now! Well, John, I'm not going to say it was a dark day. It was a difficult day. It was a day when was a dark day, it was a difficult day. It was a day when search for truth and the search for falsehood alike both seemed destined to end and mutually assured destruction. But

I got through it and to help myself get through it I launched briefly on the bugle Twitter feed, wife-e-pedia in which I asked the bugles Twitter followers on the at-hello-bugle's feed for questions for my wife to answer. Now, my wife at the moment was trying to do some work. And so Wikipedia very nearly destroyed my marriage. I might have seen a well-meaning strike to you Jimmy Wales, but it brought havoc to the Salzmann household. So what happened was Wikipedia and a host of other sites, including Reddit, Mozilla websites, Boeing Boeing, and I quote, the entire Cheeseburger network, which I believe is mainly pictures of cats,

when darker, and that's not a joke, that's actually a fact. When Dark on Wednesday, to protest against proposed legislation in the US called SOPA, or the Stop Online Pyracy Act, as well as its counterpart, the Protect IP Act or PIPA for short. Oh, PIPA. What have you done, PIPA? Or to be more accurate, what are you proposing, PIPA? Naughty PIPA. Naughty, naughty PIPA.

Sofa is a complicated and deeply flawed bill in the long tradition of so many bills in DC which in essence is designed to stop online piracy so stopping movie studios and music labels losing money by sites illegally streaming pirated copies but the problem is that that's very difficult to do and these bills are definitely not the way to try. It's like trying to stop actual piracy by saying that no one is allowed to look at parrots anymore and arresting any online company that thinks about selling eye patches. It's not going to solve the problem and it's going to be expensive and impossible to enforce. But it means that, basically, in a downloadable podcast like this,

were I to sing unlicensed music, which I think we can agree and have already seen? I can occasionally do. Like for instance, if I were to burst into an impromptu blast of Bon Jovi, SHUT UP THE HARD! YOU'RE TO BLAME! YOU GIVEN LOVE! What Andy? What does Bon Jovi give love? Uh oh, I'm a bad name. A bad name. I was also accused of giving my... A bad name. A bad name. A bad name. I was also accused of giving my son a bad name. Now, what were that to happen, which obviously it didn't, then? My mouth would have committed a crime, and your ears would have committed a crime by hearing

it, and not just musically, but legally too. Does that mean that your mouth and bugle as ears could have been put on trial? Well, I think so. It's not entirely clear, but I think so. In the broadest possible strokes If the legislation passes sites would be unable to link to any websites suspected of copyright infringement Including sites like Wikipedia, Facebook and Twitter. The problem is that it's one of those situations that is both Incredibly important and incredibly boring. That can be tricky for people to get appropriately worked up about. Well, the proponents say that it protects copyrights and that's the incomes of those who produce copyrighted material. And as an added benefit, John, I mean, if it

is passed, it could prevent films for example being illegally streamed around the world. It could, you know, could actually save the world from some of the worst successes of the American movie industry. I don't suppose you have an example of that to you, Andy. Well, I don't know. I'll just, I'll just refer bugle-less to your, to your CV. bugle us to your CV. LAUGHTER So, surprisingly, you could look on John's wiki pdf page to see what this bill could save the world from. Supporters say that the target is actually illegal foreign sites, but the concept of what is foreign in an internet that doesn't actually physically exist is complicated. The internet

instead seems to live in the air or to quote the latest Senator Ted Stevens in a series of tubes. And the consequences of the legislation would seriously harm a free and open internet as well as us reading in quite frightening new tools of censorship for international websites inside the US. Now opponents of the bill here in America say that the internet was built on the same principles as freedom that America was, and it should be afforded the same rights only presumably this time, including black people as well. They weren't clear about that last part. Harvard professor said that sopa would quote, undermine the openness and free exchange of

information at the heart of the internet, and it would violate the first amendment to which sopaas supporters replied, and the critics of the bills have suggested that it could pretty much cripple the entire internet. And we have to do so. And the internet is flawed clearly, but it has proved both popular and useful, very much like horses used to be, but more so. And this, the internet has only helped popularize things like social networking, anti-social networking. It was the internet.

It has given more people, more opportunities to tell each other that their mothers are horses than any other development since the invention of human speech. What since Caxton and the printing print? I know that's what he largely used it. What? Early on. It's popularised the sharing of knowledge and information

and expertise across previously insurmountable geographical and political barriers. It's also popularised the sharing of mindless drivel and breasts and penises and videos of cats unicycling into ponds. So it's been a great fun and we have to protect it, John. We have to protect the internet. Otherwise, we might have to confront real life

and having not really confronted that for a good decade now, just don't think humanity can risk it. That's too dangerous. Now, during the blackout, Wikipedia was still technically accessible on mobile phones and smartphones and they then made it clear Wikipedia. Their purpose wasn't to make it impossible to read Wikipedia saying, it's okay for you to circumvent the blackout. We just want to make sure that you see our message. And that's a pretty polite way to go about protesting isn't it? Not screaming

scab at people merely saying, I completely understand your scab like behavior. And I hope that you in turn can see the point that I'm trying to make here. But with the 24 hour blackouts and then later the attacks on websites by anonymous after the mega upload site was shut down by the feds, our non-physical protest Andy going to be a new wave of the future nerds or to call them by another name clever potential millionaires sitting at home wreaking havoc and with holding services without wants having to get tear gased by police I mean unless Microsoft somehow that is

find a way of having a tear gas hole in the corner of your computer screen that can fire off a blast if it senses you're up to no good Well they seem sort of struggled to make the menus on Microsoft Word work efficiently. So I think that might be on their technological expertise. Take that Microsoft. Zing, what was wrong with how it was before? The anti-parity legislation has a number of high profile supporters, including the chairman of news corporation,

Rupert Murdock. And I mean, the timing of this is highly suspicious, John. This is, it's starting to look very much like an anti-bugal measure. Murdoch clearly sees us as the one that got away or the one that he'd probably never heard of and that he had to let go because he had to divert funding to more important core parts of his business such as paying Jude Law, paying Jude Law's wife, paying John Prescott, paying the families of murder victims, I think I've made my point. What are you going to do, Murdoch?

Fire us. BELL RINGS Presidential campaign update now. And sadly, we must all bid a fond farewell to the Rick Perry presidential campaign. Rarely has a candidate flamed out so spectacularly after coming in so strong. He truly looked more comfortable in a cowboy hat than out of one, which is a great quality in a cowboy and a slightly frightening one in a potential president.

He certainly looked more comfortable in a cowboy hat than in a televised debate. And he has withdrawn from the nominations, right? Perhaps. I mean, let's try and be generous here. Perhaps because he realised that the whole process is a massive waste of time and money, a travesty of democracy and an insult to the intelligence of all Americans. But also because things hadn't really been going too well for him since he forgot his own policies in the TV debate. Perry said yesterday, I'm pulling out of the race and I would like instead to endorse a whole, what's his name?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm the tip of my tongue. You know, the chat book always does the funny Mexican accent in the green room before debates. And bench 350 and has the increasingly stropy collection of ex-wives.

Ah, no, no, it's gone. Anyway, I'm supporting him. It does seem more and more likely that the Republicans are going to get the candidate that almost none of them want, Mitt Romney. And as you say, in a final desperate attempt to not have him, Rick Perry endorsed Newt Gingrich, who may have the only chance of beating Romney, despite the fact that Newt Gingrich has a lifetime of inexplicably successful horned doggery that keeps coming back to bite him. Let me take you on a little stroll through his strangely high-profile sexual history.

Gingrich met his first wife at high school when she was one of his teachers, so even at that age he was living out the plot of a bad porn film. He left her while she was getting treatment for cancer to be with his second wife who he later left when she had multiple sclerosis to be with his third wife who could hardly complain if the cycle continues one day. Classically. It's not clear exactly how he does this. And his only response to this history seems to basically be, players gone play. LAUGHTER Players gone play, people. Now, the only solution to this secret event is that power must be an intense affradiac.

Because the only other answer is that Newt Gingrich has a 14-inch penis. And I cannot believe in a god that would let something like that happen in the world. Now Gingrich has turned on the media after the various allegations concerning his marital life were published and he's accused the media of being vicious and has railed against the gratuitous negativity of the media coverage. Meanwhile in other American election news last week Newt Gingrich launched an attack advert against Mitt Romney slamming his rival for the heinous crime of being able to speak

a little bit of basic French. Now as the old saying goes, do not tease a tiger for being stripy if you're wearing a zebra print dress again. It's took, it's absolutely amazing this ad. It's called the French connection. And it features a clip of Romney talking in French from when he won, ran the Winter Olympics. It's, it's accompanied with a French accordion soundtrack. And the ad says that Mr Romney is a quote, Massachusetts moderate who ran away from Ronald Reagan. And the voiceover says, Massachusetts moderate Mitt Romney, he'll say anything to win, anything. And just like John Kerry,

he speaks French too. It's then later has a clip of Mitt Romney saying Bonjour, Juma Pelle Mitt Romney, which is not speaking French. That is reading anything out of a basic phrase book. Is that seriously a point of attack now? I think it is John. We've talked about the mystifying shame that ex-candidate John Huntsman seemed to be forced to demonstrate in his very useful ability to speak Chinese. And now this, it's bullshit Andy, or as Mitt Romney would say, Konhehi. It's electoral kryptonite, just the ability not to be entirely monolingual is, frankly, enough to destroy anyone. And rightly so, John, you know, when your country at America

bought, bought Louisiana off the French,, it also bought the right to completely ignore its language and everything it stands for. When did people start getting mixed up between weaknesses and skills, Andy? It's still early days in the 10-month festival of extravagantly funded mud slugging, grandstanding and misinformation that is a presidential election. And this is the second one I've really followed closely after we sort of covered the foot of the last election on the bugle in its early days. And to the uninitiated, it does look rather like a parade of wealthy lunatics, half-wits and chances. But it turns out he's in fact the greatest amongst in the world, just doing democracy.

That's right. And it does seem also that the Republican nomination battle seems to be a battle to convince voters that you are the candidate who is most likely to legislate the USA back to the 19th century. And it cannot be long before one of them advocates reintroducing smallpox. And to re-quote New Gingrich, players gone play. LAUGHTER And to redress the balance of this extremely anti-Gingrich piece, here are some facts about Mitt Romney

to be used in a swift boat style attack advert. Mitt Romney fought for the Viet Cong, although he says he only did so by accident on a single weekend in the early 1990s. In his career as a vulture capitalist, Mitt Romney used to start every board meeting by saying, I love the smell of bankruptcy in the morning. Mitt Romney wants to ban unicycling, custard pies and all other forms of non-republican clowning. And Mitt Romney thinks that gay marriage should be compulsory. At the recent rally in Wisconsin, he was filmed looking like he was thinking to himself, everyone should marry a gay at least once. Other news now and the Queen wants a boat. She wants a boat. Take a good hard look at a mother

**** boat. See, I've done it again, Andy. We have no cover to sing that song under the soapal laws. Everyone's ears are now fugitives. LAUGHTER Here's the story. You are really running very dangerously close to losing your passport. LAUGHTER

UK Education Secretary Michael Gove expressed his support last week for a new royal yacht to be presented to the Queen from the entire nation to mark her diamond Jubilee. It estimated that a new 600 foot yacht would cost around 60 million pounds. So for an education secretary, Michael Gove might want to go back to school to learn a little more about basic numbers, or at least the meaning of the word recession. to learn a little more about basic numbers, or at least the meaning of the word recession. Go for suggested the happy Jubilee yachts, although doing so has slightly pissed people off at a time when the governments are cutting their financial testicles off. But also, I think more than this

John, it's a spoiler surprise, because if you're going to give a moniker yacht, at least make it a surprise yacht. And she's got to know all the best. Been in the papers now. And also, it kind of defended himself saying it wouldn't be entirely for the queen it would be used as a public functions and as a training yacht as well, and not exclusively for the queen's private use. I guess that's fair enough, because she's 85 now, John on her age, when you're giving her a big present, you want to give her something that's worth inheriting? That's why I always used to give my granny

a cricket bat for Christmas. Ha ha ha ha. I think most people were planning to give the queen what we give her every year, Andy, are taxes and are feelings ranging all the way from disinterest to contempt. Maybe gift wrapped? Probably not.

But as you say, go said that the Queen's highly significant contribution to Britain and the Commonwealth should be recognised with a lasting legacy. And I think it has been, hasn't it? Has it not been recognised in a lasting manner through the gigantic palace she lives in, a number of country estate, and the fact that her gradually aging faces on our coins and that she has a pointy gold hat. What more does she need? If we were to fund this boat with taxpayer money, it seems that the only fitting way to Christmas symbolically would be for the Queen to take a bottle of very expensive

also taxpayer-funded champagne, walk up to the edge of the boat, then drink the champagne, then bend over and piss it all the way up the side of the hull. I promise you Andy, she would then shut up anyone complaining about how much it had cost. They'd be forced to say to be honest, I was against it, but after seeing that, it kind of feels like it was worth it. At least she's being honest about how she feels about the nation. I can't help but respect that. God be a first on that I haven't since the launch of HMS Nuckelhead in 1843. Well certainly Queen Victoria's most controversial actors Monarch. A ghost said my suggestion would be a gift from the nation to her majesty but as you said the

gift from the nation to her majesty is the nation of which she is Queen. How much more of a gift does she need? And also, you know, when I look at the 85 year old queen, John, what I think, I think to myself is, what she needs, what that lady needs is a 60 million pound yacht. Because it's so hard getting presents for people who seem to have everything already.

I mean, you'd think maybe get her a bicycle, but then she's probably already got a bicycle, you know, teapots. Imagine she's got lots of teapots. We could give her a crown, but, you know, she's got one crown and it's always best you try these things on first, since it was always very difficult by clothes for women.

And you don't want to give her a crown and then her, not to like it, but feel obliged to wear it whenever she was out in public in front of the British people who'd given it to her. And maybe we could give her some underwear, not trashy stuff, John. Closy. Closy. Lanzha Raid made of gold and diamonds and sapphires of course. Sounds comfortable. Yeah, I mean, something to make I feel even more special than having been queen for 60 years and having her face on coins

and banknotes already makes her feel. It's difficult, John. Does she need to be told how grateful the British public is for her having the decency not to ever die for 60 years? And I'm like, I can tell with this, but I'm making too much of a fuss about this. We're basically celebrating the fact that her father died young and enabled her to get on the throne before she was supposed to. I'm not just think that that might, that could go down very badly. The amazing thing is that when criticized by this, Michael Gove doubled down, saying, in spite and perhaps because of the osteo times, the celebration should go beyond those of previous Jubilees

and mark the greater achievement that the Diamond anniversary represents. Events such as proms and the party that the palace organized for the Diamond Jubile and street parties, although excellent, are transient. It would be appropriate to do something that will mark the significance of this occasion with fitting ceremony. So, parties, crowns and ceremonies are not enough for a Andy. How ungrateful is this woman? She's telling us to come across one of those spoiled teenage brats on MTV's My Sweet 16. Oh, I hate it! I wanted a Maybach, not a Ferrari. I wish I'd never been bored. Thankfully though, the British government seemed to have recognised this

as a potential let-the-meat cake moment and have backed away from publicly funding the plan. Prime Minister David Cameron spokesman said that it would not be appropriate for public funds to be spent on a new yacht during times of economic hardship. But the government will be supportive of private efforts to provide a new ship for the queen. So she can have a new yacht, Andy, as long as the money comes from private donors. And that seems fair. It is Greenwich High Time for the queen to get sponsored. I can't believe that we've ignored that revenue stream for so long.

Right now, she's a parasite on the state. When we're just a sprinkling of capitalism, she could become a highly profitable parasite instead. All that commercial space on the side of her crown. It's a canvas waiting to be painted with the logo of an international pharmaceuticals company. You just need to look at her to see the revenue potential. She should be walking around with your advert here embroidered across her ass. LAUGHTER Again.

This is how Britain becomes physically great once more, Andy. We've stumbled upon the solution. Queen Elizabeth, the first, led Britain into battle. Queen Elizabeth, the second, should lead us into economic recovery. LAUGHTER Now, Mr. Gove said another thing. He said the diamond jubilee must not be overshadowed by the Olympic Games. Incorrect, Mr Gove. It must be overshadowed by the Olympic Games. Sports beats monarchy. That is a fact. It's like scissor paper stone. That is an absolute rule.

Boris Johnson London's mayor described the jubilee as potentially more exciting than the Olympics. Well, that's, I mean, that's, that is not true, John, particularly he was talking specifically, I think, about the flotilla of boats, a 10 million pound, 1,000 boats celebratory flotilla that will plink its way down the Thames to celebrate the Jubilee. I mean, we have to be sure she definitely likes floatylers before we spend all that money on that. I know Prince Philip doesn't really go for Mexican food, but maybe the Queen does. But anyway, I digress. But if this floaty lit it's going to be more exciting than the Olympics, John. Then it is going to be worth watching, because that is a floaty lit that is going to be armed. It's going to be one no-holes barred battle

of the boats in which there can only be one no-holds-barred battle of the boats in which there can only be one winner. And I would happily pay double my current rate of taxes to see 1,000 boats trying to blow the shit out of each other on the terms for public entertainment. It's what this country wants. It's what this country needs, and more importantly, it's what this country wants.

LAUGHTER You're right, that 1,000-bolt flotilla does sound pretty good. It's going to be on Sunday the 3rd of June, and it will feature a seven-mile long procession of Dunkirk Little Ships, Historic Vestals, Steam Boats, and Tugs. And at its centre, will be a royal barge, decorated in red and gold, carrying the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh. The Queen is going to be strapped to the front of the barge with her arms spread wide,

like Kate Winslet and Titanic screaming, I'm King of the World! Or at least, I'm Queen of the Commonwealth Nations! The Flotilla will feature apparently 20,000 people on the water, travel under 14 bridges and take 90 minutes to pass any given point. I tell you what, Andy, this sounds a lot like an army. A procession can very quickly turn into an invasion. And perhaps the Queen will suddenly bank left and lead the entire procession towards France. This could be good this.

I think that's how the Spanish armata began. Ha, ha. Genoa and the more we talk about this, the more I'm actually starting to think this is a good thing, because think about the upsides. Now that the yacht is private, she doesn't need to tone it down at all. Now she can have the yacht that she wants deep down,

rather than a yacht that deliberately doesn't look too flashy. She can have a yacht with disco lights on the bottom, a caviar cannon that you can fire, strugged into your own face, something you can sail up alongside a Russian oil tycoon's yacht and make them feel embarrassed. Now, it's worth noting as well, that it is by no means clear

if the queen even wants a new yacht. After all, she is, as you mentioned in her mid 80s, her husband is 90 and was recently in hospital for heart disease, but that's not the point, is it? It's not up to her, Andy. It's up to us, and Britain needs this. It's like that rule of dress for the job that you want, not the job that you have. That's, for instance, why I always walk around dressed like a giant hot dog.

That's not the point. The same is true here, Andy. Dress for the economy that you want, not the economy that you have. We need a new yacht, something to project an image of ostentatious wealth to the rest of the world. It's like arsehole news now, and there was of course a terrible disaster this week when a cruise ship sank off the coast of Italy, but it's worth as pausing for a moment to acknowledge not just the tragedy, but the emergence of a new unmitigated dickbag in the form of the Italian captain of the ship. Because it seems that Captain Chateino, the burlaskoni of the seas, ran the ship aground

after going off course to salute and waver a friend of his that lived on a nearby island. And if that wasn't enough to provide proof of his dickbaggery, then he got into a lifeboat ahead of his passengers and that then emerged a spectacular phone conversation between him and a local official where they shouted at each other in the Italian manner. Loudly and presumably with wild arm gesticulations. I can only imagine from listening to the phone call that they were both wearing Bluetooth earpieces as they taught because they both needed both of their hands to wave around to punctuate each point. Well, you have to say that the invention of the hands-free kit is probably this single most

important technological development in Italian history. It really is an incredible piece of tape. It's worth listening to. The only way that the conversation could have been any more Italian was if Captain Chateino had been in the live boat and then paused their conversation to shout at an attractive woman swimming by. Chate Weller, beautiful lady, where you go? Where you go? Well that is one of the other accusations against him that he was essentially doing that,

at the time that he was seen chatting to a build of a lady in the bridge of the ship. But I think, as you've mentioned, he's the burlust gun in the sea. And I think this is the thing, John. This is something he has certainly done his bits for national stereotypes. Let's give him that. But this is learnt behaviour. He has spent the last 10 years having a prime minister who has spent his time doing ideologically ludicrous

things just to get attention and kicking about with hot chicks instead of doing his very important job properly. So is it that surprising that the ship captains of Italy have started doing the same? This is yet another thing that Burlusconi has to answer for John. But there was another man who stepped up, Andy, because one of the things shouted by the heroes of this story, the official on the other end of that phone call, Gregorio de Falco, has become so popular that T-shirts

are now being sold across the country to celebrate it. At one point, this Coast Guard shouted, Vada Boradorka-Tso, which loosely translated means, get back on the boat for f*** sake. F*** sake. Come on, that's a good stuff, Andy. One man questions your faith in Italian men and one man instantly restores it.

The conversation goes on with Captain Chetino, saying that he can't get back on the boat because it's dark and he can't see anything to which Coast Guard Defalco responds, so what do you want to do? Go home Chateino? It's dark and you want to go home? Go to the bow of the ship where the ladder is and tell me what needs to be done.

Listen Chateino, perhaps you've saved yourself from the sea, but I will make you look very bad. I will make you pay for this. Dammit, go back on board for f**king sake! You might think, well surely, Chateino's can't behave, you can't get any worse, please. Give this man some credit for deserving no credit whatsoever, because he told investigating magistrates in Grasato on the Italian mainland that he ended up in a lifeboat by accident

because he fell into the lifeboat after tripping. Yes, this is his defence. He tripped and fell into the lifeboat. His exact quite was suddenly, since the ship was a 60-70 degree angle, I tripped and I ended up in one of the boats. That's how I found myself there. I mean, are we absolutely sure, Andy, that this captain isn't Sylvia Burler's going to be wearing a very elaborate captain costume? Well, so I've had a kind of excuse that a man would come up with when he's turned up at A&E with his penis in a pineapple.

Oh, it slipped and fell. And one final detail, Andy, formally inducted this man into the bugle Dick Baggery Hall of Fame. A taxi driver who took him to a hotel on Saturday morning after the ship had crashed, told a news agency that Captain Chateino had asked only where he could buy some socks. Let's be clear, this man, Francesco Chateino, is now the standard by which other dickbags should be judged. Another recording suggested that the ship's crew downplayed the emergency and said that they were investigating a blackout rather than they had just smashed a f***ing great boat into a f***ing rock, which many believe would have been a more salient message to convey

to the emergency services. But I guess we're British, we can simplify. We're brought up not to make too much of a fuss about these things. We'll say them on the Titanic. No, don't worry about rescuing us. We'll just drown in peace. Please don't go out of your way. The Titanic, of course, went down in a similar fashion after Captain Smith was goaded by his buddies in a inter-aetrational, says, as paperstone, nautical variant ship volcano iceberg which icebergs in ship volcano melts iceberg and ship bungs up volcano bugle feature section now and future of the bugle now as we said at the start of the show the bugle is now independent which means we can stick it to the man big time.

And the man we're sticking to this week is 46-year-old Mike Strave from Nathwitch, Cheshire. You Mike, you loser. What are you doing with your life? Put yourself together, you wife wouldn't hang around forever. Well, you restore that process,

1985 Ford Cortina, confront your issues, move on. Now, we have not asked for much from you until now, bugleers, apart from a little corner of your MP3 players and your souls, although that of course was never made fully explicit, and you're in the clear until episode 200, at which point you're asked for all eternity. But we are asking for something from you now, and you can give us that something via the relaunched bugle website, the buglepodcast.com, which is the relaunchedBugleWebsites, theBuglePodcast.com, which is being relaunched imminently as we record, should be up by Friday evening, Chris, is that right?

I'm hoping so, yeah. If the technical team who did such a spectacular successful job on the Switch over maintained that form, the new website will be up, and you'll be able to donate to keep your bugle going on the new website's times online of course, fund us until now and we need to find an alternative source of funding and that source of funding bugle is currently is you. Now we're not going to charge you for the bugle but we're going to ask you to help keep going by donating via the bugle podcast icon. Think of it as a voluntary subscription, whatever you think the Bugle is worth,

it might be nothing, it might be 10 billion pounds an episode, hopefully somewhere in between, maybe the lower end rather than the higher end, but if it works out, the Bugle will be here for all eternity subjects to confirmation of the end dates of eternity and logistical issues. And if you can chuck in your own personal phone hacking shimozzle as well, so much the better. It's the way we like to do things. So, save the bugle bugle at the buglepodcast.com. Your emails now, and thank you very much for all the emails that you've continued to send into info at thebugelpodcast.com,

which is our new email address. Allerting us to the fact that the switchover had worked and with various offers of help and suggestions for how to keep it going. And also for your regular, as this came on on the subject, how I saved the bugle from Joe in Rexburg, Idaho, Dick, Chris, Andy and John in order of drawing power at the box office. Is that ascending or descending? I don't know. I'll have to check my figures from my run at the Soho Theatre, 6th February to the 11th February in London's leading comedic theatre spot. I believe I saved the bugle, right Joe.

A lanyard to explain, I'm currently working as a professor of English. I'm married, I have one young daughter and another child on the way, as I sat at the table to blow out the candles which had done my birthday cake. On Friday the 13th of January, I pondered my birthday wish. I could wish for job security. I could wish for the health of my wife and unborn child. I could wish for my children to grow up in a world where fewer nut jobs are in charge of entire countries. These are all the sorts of wishes a mature adult might make. But in a moment of inspiration, just before I blew out the candles, I thought, I'll sure would like the bugle to continue.

Love the next day when I listened to the January 13th episode of the bugle. My wish had come to pass. Some might say that I wasted my birthday wish, but none of those people are listening to this right now, so their opinions don't matter. You're welcome, bugleers. You're welcome. So thanks, Joe. You've kept it going.

We also got a great email from Simon, who we're under the subject line, Loud and Clear in Yemen. He said, dear John and Andy, you requested feedback on the getting throughness of the new podcast. I can confirm that it's being received Loud and Clear in Yemen. It is indeed rattling the rampart of Ali Saleh's increasingly fragile towers we speak, or email email and probably not when you're reading this if you read it at all, which we are. So there you go Simon. He says, the times Bugle is dead, but the Bugle is soundclouding once more, hip hip and yee-ha, cheers Simon, who says, PS, I spent three years in Gaza, followed by three years in Afghanistan,

two years in Yemen, and I'm now after Indonesia. Suggest you brush up on your Indonesian crisis info as my track record is not good. That's true, PPS. Just because you're on a new site do not think that Chris is any less f*** you'd. And I think that's an important point to make. That's just as the bugle has transferred over so as the fake ademosti to Chris. F*** you Chris and thank you and f*** you. Soundcloud has mentioned in that email they are hosting us now. Thank you to them for that there. website is soundcloud.com and the bugle page is soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle and they also have an app that you can get and do stuff with.

Chris, have you got anything to add to that? No, I haven't got anything to add to that Andy. All right. You look like you were on the, you had something to add to that? No, I haven't got anything to add to that Andy. All right, you look like you were on the, you had, I've got something to add to that kind of face on. Oh really? No, I've got nothing to say this week really. I'm just kind of preoccupied with getting, getting everything done tonight.

Yeah, all right. Yeah, that's very much said in the tone of voice for a man who behind whose eyes are the words wrap this up. Ha ha ha ha ha., to keep your mouth on. I'm coming in to the info at thebugelpodcast.com. Do follow the bugle twitter. We'd add hello bugle us with updates on what's happening. And don't forget thebugelpodcast.com website where you can donate to save the bugle.

donate to Save the Bugle. The Spork Now and, well, last year John England did not lose a single test match in cricket and they have begun this year by being utterly humiliated. And it's got a kind of nostalgia value for a child of the 80s when I grew up and my childhood has basically measured by humiliating defeats for the England cricket team. And for the last year when England have risen to world number one I just haven't known who I am anymore. So a lot of cricket punnets have slammed England for this but I say well done they've given this nation its identity back. Yeah that's right Return to that stability, that emotional anchor of disappointment in the cricket team that

we can all pin our hopes on. But you do security reasons. They've been playing a Pakistan in Dubai. And I think this is another reason for England's defeat that they were just distracted by all the fucking stupid buildings going on. It's very hard to focus on your cricket when in the background are billions and billions of pounds worth of completely empty skyscrapers and a vortex of the human soul. In a much of movie. American football and the Packers, a bit of a choke by the Green Bay Packers, John.

And that was sad to see, particularly on the 75th anniversary of the legendary chicken plate by the Green Bay Packers in their match against the Francisco, Knuckleheads, who later of course became the Oregon lunatics. Packers caught a back, Stoof Patoclaim, stood behind the line of scrimmage and clocked like a chicken, before flapping around whilst his guards lay on the ground to form a nest around him. The ball was then flipped back to him by Packers Center, Cootsy Vanshin out, formally the Texas format is. Patoclean clucked extra loudly before quotes laying the egg sitting on the ball in his nest. Whilst his offensive tackles blocked the defensive line

man before they could get into the nest and sack the brooding quarterback. Patoclean then would give one final clock as he hatched the egg. Before running back, Jarvis Flink could have been killed up underneath him in the nest, burst upwards like a newborn hatchling, staggering off in a decoy move to the left whilst Patoclan himself tucked the footwell under his arm and scuttled right, clucking. The opposition were by this time so distracted by flinks, cute newborn

chick-routine that Pataclan could run in unopposed for the touchdown. Flink, of course, went on to play with distinction for the Denver Chuck buckets, the Portland Porks, the Boston Flops. Whilst Pataclan, whose wife Muriel, of course, has the titan for the Denver Dino ladies and later the Boston Barbers and the New York Easter Jets, he later became the GM of the Cincinnati Stupids. Well, and I think what we can take away from that is that whilst the bugle has moved on, it has most emphatically not grown up. I love sports, John. I know you do. I know you do, isn't it? And that bit can be blamed on Jimmy, what else have wiki pedia?

So that's it for this week's Bugle. Don't forget the new website's imminently launched, thebuglepodcast.com. Save the Bugle Bugleers and if you do, we'll be back next week. Goodbye. Save the Bugle! And if you do, we'll be back next week. Goodbye. SAVE THE BUGLE! you