The Bugle - Bugle 186 – An Insult to Civic Society

Episode Date: March 9, 2012

Together in New York! Andy and John round up the latest global election news and take an unorthodox mathematics test. http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audioaper for a Visual World with me and his ultimate in of all places, New York City. Man has this place gone downhill since the Dutch left. Sure, there are more taxis, but is that enough? And also New York City, it's the Manhattan Muth maker himself, the hilarity on the Hudson, the Bronx Boom Boomer, it's the bagel of destiny, John Oliver! Yes! Hello Andy! Hello Viewers, Andy, welcome to New York,

the gigantic apple. You're in my house, Andy! You're in my house! You are literally in my house. You're staying the whole week in my apartment. I had your dog try to climb up to my head for you yesterday. Now, Andy, you've been in New York for less than 24 hours. According to my bagel tracker, you've eaten a 36-babel so far. I think I'm blending in with the locals. Now, I'm thinking, Andy, of taking you to a batting cage I'm pointing this week, but I was gonna do it maybe after you've recorded the stand-up shot Because if I take you before I've got a horrible feeling that you're gonna appear on American TV with two black eyes like a Punt-fuel panda

Yeah, or I'll just get picked up by the Yankees and you know that's true leave comedy behind I won't need anymore. It's a point is it's a risky the way it's a risk of risk Now welcome to any potential new listeners. Apparently, we are iTunes episode of the week. Podcast of the week, John. Next week. Podcast of the week. Yeah.

The podcast episode of the week. That means we have the greatest thing on earth. At the moment. For one week, I would. For what? For me, before going back down to being one of the worst things in humanity. So welcome to any new listeners.

I hope you enjoy this statistically, many if you won't. So welcome and farewell. You may already have left, and thought, not for me. This is not for me. But if you're sticking it out, then enjoy the ride. Yeah, enjoy the ride. So, bait you at a bugle,le basically is the world's foremost source of News and information. I'll say that's that's probably fair to say that is an engine. What legally no

Probably an outright life so uh and uh, it's me and John every week usually with an ocean between us But now there's no ocean between us, but I have strategically placed a glass of water physically in between us in the studio, just because I cannot interact with Jon without a body of water of some size in between us anymore. And this is Bugle 186, which means that we've now had on the same number of Bugles, Jon, as a number of takes, it took Clark Gable to get out the line. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn when filming Gone with the Wind. 143 times, he went with, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn when filming Gone with the Wind. 143 times he went with frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit.

Gable was a stuff of man and assisted director Victor Fleming that A, his red butt, the character would probably have said shit, not damn. And that B, he was clock, can Gable and he'd do what he wanted. Then we came a battle of wheels and neither man was prepared to back down

on an increasingly exasperated Vivian Lee said, can we just get this bollicking scene in the can? A left-and-belly pork in the oven and I need to get home. When after 142 couldn't give a shit to be recorded in jettisoned, Gable tried one frankly my dear, I couldn't give a flying. Before being threatened, being edited out of the film completely and being replaced as a romantic interest by an adventurous collie dog called Lossy, Gable then went with a combination of frankly sweet cheeks, I don't give a damn, then he went with yeah whatever, then hey let's cut through the froth love, can I see your owl, did you just slap me in the face, and frankly Vivian, I don't give a damn, what's wrong with that, I'm just trying to bring some realism

to this bullshit, what's wrong with using a real name, and on the final occasion before before he got it right eventually pulled my finger. Bye new list. Bye. Bye. That will teach you new list. Don't take recommendations from major companies. Well, they don't know anything about you. All they know is that you bought two Miley Cyrus albums, so it might be that you're interested in this as well. Well, they were wrong, weren't they? They were wrong, John. They were right in my case.

Sounds like it's interesting talking to you, Chris, sounding like you're down a well for the whole episode. But we've got you in a little well in the studio, lifting up the lid every time you need to speak. I am actually in a well this week. Good, good, I'm glad. Good someone come and get me. And some of the new listeners to know, every week, a section of the bugle-binger's is an audio newspaper, goes straight in a bin in the manner of one of your traditional print newspapers, and this week it's a book section, including a review of the new book

from American Shock TV host, Rush Limbaugh. An invaluable self-help guide, are you a prostitute? A step-by-step guide to working out whether you are or are not selling your body for sex for a living. Fully updated, and including a special additional chapter, including what are you short you're not a prostitute? Absolutely sure, because I think you might be a prostitute. Come over here, let me run my prostitute meter over you. Yup, as I thought, you are a prostitute, absolutely sure, because I think you might be a prostitute. Come over here and let me run my prostitute meter over you. Yep, as I thought, you are a prostitute. So I've got the book here. John, let's find out if you yourself are a prostitute. Have you ever used any form of birth control? Yes, I have. Yeah. prostitute. Oh, have you ever used medicine?

Yeah, I have to admit, I have. prostitute, you wanted to stay alive so you could do some more hauring. Have you ever been paid money for work? Yeah, I have. Prostitute, you take money for one thing, you've opened that moral vortex, John. You were probably taking it for having thrumper dunks with someone as well. Do you think women should have the votes?

I'm putting you on the spot here, John. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's a man who's been married within the last year. Prostitute, did we have state funded birth control before women had the vote? No, no, no. Have you ever been or will you potentially ever be married?

Yes. Brostody. Oh, that shit about sharing, sharing everything you've got. If that's not a money or property for pumping exchange, I don't know what is. And final question, are you a woman? No. You're off the hook. Ha ha ha.

I'll write up to that point. I felt like Julia Roberts in pretty woman, haven't I? And you look like her as well, John. Save me rich again. Save me from myself. I'm never new. You could carry a dress like that. MUSIC Top story this week. Election Roundup. And I mean election round up in the literal sense because much of the election round up news this week involves world leaders literally

rounding up opposition activists before the election takes place and bundling them into a back of a van. Russian election news now. And the Russians voted for a new president this week, or as they would put it, they voted for a new president. Woted. Woted Andy, they can't say these. Congratulations to Vladimir Putin, who staged a shock, come from the front victory, to once again become president of Russia, meaning that he can now remove his hand and entire arm from the anus of Dmitry Medvedev, for the last four years, operating like he was a piece of six foot felt. Mr Putin, that's not a puppet, that's an actual human

being, nonsense. This is no human being, isn't that right Demetri? No, I am a human being! Please take your hand very slowly and very gently out of my ass. Shhh, that's enough from you Dimitri or he can go back into your box. No! Please! I don't want to be in the box again! I think I'll just have a drink of water while you tell the boys and girls about Russia's latest economic plans, Dimitri. Help! Help me! I'm an actual human being! I don't want wanna live like this. I don't wanna live on this maniac's knee anymore. Bye, new listeners.

Bye. Estonishingly, Putin in parts of Chetsnaya only recorded 99.7% of the votes, which has to be disappointing, John, for a, I mean, he thinks of himself as a quality Russian despot. You've got to be looking at at least 120%. He's admitted that he's lost touch with the public, and has said that he is going to fully investigate why more people didn't vote for him at least twice. And he's been, this whole election has been looked at by the Parliamentary

Assembly of the Council for Europe, whose head is a Dutch politician by the name of Martina Josephus Maria Cox, but he is more commonly known by his nickname Tiny. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's on Wikipedia, Joe. Look, look, look. Look. Yeah, but you as a human being. Oh my god, he's on Wikipedia. You're making this up. Yeah, but you as a human being. Oh my god, he is.

LAUGHTER Look, you have access to Wikipedia, right? Yeah. I've not touched his Wikipedia page. Cox with a K. I mean, admittedly, you know, this is the vehicle for new listeners is, you know, a high end satirical organ. Hmm. You know, it leaves no hot potato on butter, and it aims for the people in power who deserve to

be taken down a pick. But when a man is called tiny cocks, and he is criticising Vladimir Putin, you have to ask, is he the right man for that job? Is he going to scare Putin, John? There were some surprising statements before the election was even over Andy with a Putin spokesperson at one point, turning the BBC that Putin was a, and I quote, misunderstood liberal.

Wow, if that's true, he has been massively misunderstood, Andy. Is that employing the every order he's given over the last decade has been sarcastic? Oh, there's definitely privatized the oil and gas industry and put it in the hands of a bunch of megalomaniacal tycoons. Let's definitely do that. Oh, I tell you what we should do. We should have assassinated a political rival by poisoning him in London sushi restaurant. Oh, yeah, someone should get on that right now. Who is going to break it to him that this ironic dictator character that's been doing for the last decade has been horribly misunderstood and he's going to

be mortified. Of course, he's not gonna act that way, he's just gonna order the person who tells him that be thrown in jail, but that doesn't mean it, Andy, he's just being sarcastic, that's the point. That was Stalin at the same problem, didn't it? Yes, yeah, he was very much an ironic dictator,

but he's sitting way ahead of his town. He's more like an Andy Kaufman character than he was actually a mass murderer. I don't know, I'd never really go for cringe comedy. I guess when you slaughter 30 million if you're own people, that awkwardness just, I think for me, it just overwaves the humour of it. An election monitoring group set up by protesters in Russia has refused to recognise the results of the election, saying that there was widespread fraud and that the result was, and I quote, an insult to civic society in Russia.

And there were reports of so-called carousel voting, voters not only going around and voting a number of times, but also doing so while riding elaborately painted horses. It's just such a slap in the face to democracy, Andy. I don't know, so people, if you can be bothered to vote more than once, then it just shows that you're committed to democracy. Right, is that a crime? Yes, it is. But should it be?

Yes. They reported this group reported that Putin actually only won 53% not 63.6% as reported officially. Although it's worth noting that that 53% result would still have actually given Putin the victory anyway. He seemed very moved in his acceptance speech with tears running down his face. Although it wasn't actually clear if those were his tears, whether they were the tears of a Russian dissident during interrogation that had been collected into a bottle given to Putin and that he had then drunk and was now weeping at how delicious they tasted. It was a very emotional thank you speech that he gave Putin and he said he thanked everyone

who elected him presidents. He said I'd like to thank in particular Vladimir Putin for electing me president. He made it possible. I'm nothing without him and I'll strive every waking moment to do what Vladimir Putin elected me to do. Well, it's really touching. Man still that much in touch with his electorate. It's very good to see. The speculation is now likely to be what Putin is going to be like in his third term as president. You know, will he make any reforms in concessions to middle class opposition

movement that's been growing over the last year or will he listen to his heart and his head and his balls and be the same tiger wrestling lunatic that the world has come to know and tolerate for years now. In fact, one journalist asked a question this week, will Putin be a pussycat or a tiger? That's a difficult question. And, you know, if he's going to be a pussycat, he's going to be a very particular kind of pussycat,

one that is hanging off your arm with its teeth biting through your flesh, and with four laser cannons instead of legs. LAUGHTER MUSIC writing through your flesh and with four laser cannons instead of legs. LAUGHTER MUSIC Iranian election news now, and it ran through itself in election this week, but it was more of an election costumed and the real thing. It's like someone dressing up as a slutty nurse for Halloween. It doesn't mean that you're

actually a nurse, and it's actually pretty offensive to the thing that you're dressing up as. This wasn't just democracy with a lower a nurse and it's actually pretty offensive to the thing that you're dressing up as. This wasn't just democracy with a lowercase D and D. It was democracy inside inverted commas with a question mark at the end of it as well as a winking emoticon. All the candidates in the Iranian election had to be pre-approved by Iran's Guardian Council, which meant that the contest was effectively between different conservative factions. Largely, those who support President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and supporters of the Supreme Leader Ayatollah Al-Khamayni. And basically, your choice was either conservative with an uppercase C or conservative with an uppercase K. It was like choosing between full sugar Coke

and full sugar Pepsi. They both taste the same, both are extremely bad for you in large doses, but both undeniably give you a jolt of energy. Haha. What's that? How is that? How you get yourself functioning in the morning now? Just a little bit of extreme right-winging

and right-winging politics. Yeah, because I'm just trying to kick off a healthy, and that's the only thing that really sparks me up. Some hard-line clerics, skate out better than morning. So, I was having a sleeping with your dog in his little kennel. Yeah, yeah. That's a good idea.

Why not? Just wake me up every morning with a quarter prayer. Just don't want your dog sort of. Hogi wakes me up every morning with a quarter prayer. So it's not a quarter prayer, it's kind of a wine to dog. Also, the senator of Iran, Benjamin Netanyahu, the Israeli Prime Minister, has entertained the world with his comments

on the Iranian nuclear program, in which he said, ladies and gentlemen, if it looks like a duck, if it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck, then what is it? What is it? That's right, it's a duck, or it's Mick Jagger with a heavy cold and a minor dose of rheumatism, still cranking out satisfaction like he's a 25-year-old.

Awesome display by Netanyahu, but he finished his sentence. He said, if it looks like a duck, water-cuck-a-duck, quite a cuck-a-duck, it's a duck. But this duck is a nuclear duck. And you cannot really put in any clearer terms, the problems the world faces with are on, John. It is a giant nuclear duck. Yeah, and the real concern is, do the Chinese have a big enough pancake and enough plum sauce to deal with that nuclear duck?

I think the concern is that they're gonna use that nuclear duck and if it has the range, they're gonna fly it over to Israel so it can just take a shit onto Jerusalem. That's their worry. I guess that is a thing. I mean, what do you do with the duck? I mean, even if Netanyahu is right and this is not the first time in Israeli politician

has used the duck analogy. In 2000, the Speaker of the Israeli Parliament at Abrahamburg said, listen, let's not fool ourselves. If it walks like a duck, if it talks like a duck, if it sounds like a duck, it's a Palestinian state. Ah! Ah! No, it isn't.

It's a duck. It's a duck. I've been in for like, oh no, hang on, no, it is a duck. It's a duck. I feel like I'm saying, oh no, hang on, no, it is a duck. So, well maybe, if the Palestinians say, it is a duck, maybe this was an olive branch, you were saying this is just a duck, this is nothing to be worried about unless maybe did God hate ducks, I can't remember the Bible. Was that on the good list or the naughty list? Oh, because Moses, no, that's Santa.

Moses floated on the river Nile without being pecked up by a duck. So they can't have been all bad. That's true. And in the new testament, according to the recent, they discovered Papyrus, containing the gospel according to some Lionel. Jesus did once kick off a parable by saying, Sorry, I'm late, parables, a duck,

crept on my donkey Nightmare to get it out. I'm telling you absolute nightmare. Anyway, you didn't need to know that So let's get on with business. So hands up who likes being nice to people Well, have I got a treat for you today right? Strap in once upon a time There was a lovely little girl who was swept away in a tornado with a little pet doggy God, he was great wasn't he? to wear a tornado with a little pet doggy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha want it to be in different forms. It can be like a big power man. You see Iran claims it enriching uranium to develop medical research. Yeah right. If it looks like a dark walks like a dark and quacks like a dark then what is it? That's right, it's a dark. But this dark is a nuclear dark.

And it's time the world started calling a dark. A dark. A dark. C-c-c-c-c-c. Or Andy. Or it can be like an epic speech in a 300 million million American movie. You see Iran claims that it's enriching uranium to develop medical research. You're right. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck,

walks like a duck, then what is it? That's right, it is a duck. But this duck is a nuclear duck, and it's time the world started calling a duck, a duck! So let's get out there and let's kill those fucking aliens! The point is it was an amazing speech, Andy. It was an absolutely phenomenal speech. Ehud Barak, the Israeli Defense Minister, said about Yasser Arafat in 2002. Yasser Arafat happens to behave like a terrorist.

He looks like one. He walks like one. He quacks like one. That is the key giveaway for all terrorists, when they get nervous, isn't it? Like a tick when they get nervous. isn't it? They're quite. It's like a tick when they get nervous. It is, and I think it is frankly incredible

that most airports now do not have a quack detecting technology. Yeah. You don't just suddenly jump, try and surprise them. No, it's just a loud sound. Just a little ponds with bits of bread in. I mean, you know, as soon as anyone dies in terrorists,

they can't resist it. They cannot resist it. So what are soon as anyone dies in, terrorists. They can't resist it. They cannot resist it. So what are the options then for dealing with a duck? I mean, you could shoot it or strangle it, or headbutt it in the beak. But I mean, you should, in this situation, I know, you know, and it's not rule out diplomacy with a duck, John. Maybe we should be feeding the nuclear duck, duck bread, to earn its trust and take a bit of time to get to know the duck and understand its concerns.

And then once we've gained its confidence, just train it not to shit on our cars. I think that's, you've got to play the long game with the ducks. Well, all through this, you have to get the feeling that Israel is posturing like an Italian man with a new scooter and a passing lady to impress. So the parliamentary elections on Friday and around were around first national elections since 2009, which you may remember, ended with people rioting in the streets and Iranian

protesters being attacked by besiege militia on motorbikes hitting people with sticks. So not exactly a ringing endorsement of the whole process back then. So this time they were much more careful. The leaders of the opposition green movement have been under house arrest for over a year and were completely barred from taking any part in the elections. The results were a win for the anti-Afro-Dinajad Conservatives, those all loyal to the Supreme Leader Iatolaka Mene. And it has to be tricky for Amadinajad now to thread the needle of power when you have a supreme leader hovering over you. It's like being the coach of a sports team, trying to get your team to listen to you

while you have a turbo supreme ultimate coach who claims he's been appointed by God right over your shoulder who can get rid of you any second, which is basically exactly like being manager of Chelsea. But the defeat for Archmond in the jab and his loyalist, including the fact that even Armondadynnagead's sister lost her election, means that he will face a more hostile parliament in his final 18 months in office and it really brings it home to you Andy. We have only one and a half years left of Captain Crazy, the Aradhan Arsol, the man who put the mad in Archmadynagead to enjoy.

I told a company described Iran this week as moving into a more sensitive period in its confrontations with the West. And he's right, Andy. Iran isn't going to be the kind of paint your bedroom black and listen to thrash metal disinfected teenager of confrontations now. It's going to be the listen to morassie and read quotes from T.S. Eliot and plainly coos to guitar kind of disinfected teenager while developing nuclear weapons in a subterranean bedroom. And the ends could be coming soon for Syrian President Assad after Russia and China have

finally stepped up to the plates today through the UN and said that Assad now has a maximum of 20 more last chances to stop slaughtering his own people. Wow, they are talking tough. So the end game is near John. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Super Tuesday now. And America's marathon democracy rodeo trundled on this week with a super Tuesday coming and going and doing absolutely nothing to bring this intermitableable primary contest or conclusion. Mitt Romney is still the front runner, still the favorite to win the nomination, and still conjures up passion ranging from shrugs

to half-hearted limp high-force, in even his most fervent supporters. He's not claiming he can't lose, but at the same time, others are claiming he hasn't yet won. It's a kind of ultimate sort of philosophical middle ground, and there seems to be the whole Republican campaign seems to be skillfully crafted to ensure that they get the candidate they don't want.

But in doing so, ensure that he is fatally weakened by the time they finally bring themselves to pick him. It's an amazing strategy. How super was it as well? Because I didn't really follow it for the Super Tuesday this time. Well, it's incredibly super. I didn't really follow it. Oh, super Tuesday this time. Oh, it's incredibly super. Super is in the eye to be holder Andy. Right. It's turbo democracy. Don't mock what you don't understand. There's some big news yesterday

that Rick Santorum, who to these impartialize untrained in the curious ways of American politics seems to have been touched a little by the Lunar stick. He had a massive celebrity endorsement boost from the man generally accepted to be the kingmaker in US presidential elections. The most influential political thinker of his era, the man who really pulls the strings that keep the joint metaphorical Uncle Sam Marionette waving cheerfully with a fixed and immovable smile on his heavily varnished face. That's right, Sam Torham has been endorsed, John, by Philip Rivers, the San Diego charges caught her back. Could this be the decisive moment in the Republican race? Wait, could technically it could be. It's not

likely to be by almost any parameters, but it could be. I mean, Philip Rivers has got an absolutely huge arm on him, and he's got a real cannon for an arm. So, you know, if that affects the democratic process in any way, then sure, that's huge news for Santor. I mean, and do you think that Santorum's attitude towards abortion and birth control and immigration probably helps a quarterback avoid getting intercepted? And the crunch play. I mean, look, I'm not a professional American football player, I'm here indeed. I'm a professional football analyst look. I'm not a professional American football player and you're a indeed a professional football analyst

But I'm guessing that has absolutely no bearing on whatsoever. Even for Philip Rivers Even for the great Philip Rivers with his zero Super Bowl rings right because sometimes you see course about looking at like notes on their arms Yes, I wonder I don't know if he's just got Santorum's policies on his arms notes on their arms. I don't know if he's just got Santorum's policies on his arms. That's what he does and then he shouts them out. To his offensive line just to make them angry. 33, 44, I hate women. New England won the state of Georgia but basically announced that he's far too much of a dick to pull out at this point.

He didn't use those exact words, Andy, but he used all the separate sounds for those words in other words. So I just rearranged them into a statement for him that made much more sense than what he actually said. Rick Santorum, as he mentioned, won a handful of states, but crucially, narrowly lost Ohio to Romney, meaning that a well-winded democracy basically left everything exactly as it had been before the well-wind struck. And you could see the visible irritation in the journalists who covered Super Tuesday all night. They were annoyed that it was taking results so long to come in, annoyed that they were

going to be there until two in the morning, and were complaining that they were having to cover all of this. To which, you wanted to look at the TV screen, Andy, and then start shouting, no one is making you do this. No one is forcing you to spend six hours of live television reporting on something that isn't really happening yet. You are bringing all of this on yourself. In fact, there are incredibly interesting things

happening all over the world that you are actively ignoring at this point. The Middle East is undergoing fundamental change. People are dying on the streets of Syria. America's own soldiers are being shot at as we speak. And you've chosen to embed a reporter not in Afghanistan, but in the Oklahoma caucus. Where he currently seems to be watching retirement age volunteers count up different colored coins and look bored.

Well, you bored yourself, and in doing so, you've bored everyone else. This is your fault. You did this. No amount of holograms of delegates and 3D glasses so the bar graphs of voter turnouts can reach out of the TV and slap you in your face. It's going to make this a worthwhile use of time or resources for a news network run by actual adults. Rather than looking at exit polls of Tennessee primaries,

how about looking at yourself in the mirror for 15 full seconds and asking yourself where the 20-year-old journalism student with hoax and dreams of quality reporting is? I'll give you a clue, that 20-year-old is dead. Take that, the American news media. Take that. Fauron is in France news now and President Sarkoti of France has finally come round to the Longheld British view that there are too many foreigners in France. And as the French election approaches and Sarkoti is under pressure from the socialist candidate who is leading him in the polls, for once was on on, has my French accent, John? I think it was suitably offensive.

It's been a while. He seems to have swung hard right, Sarcoji, to try and pinch votes from the National Front front whose leader, Marine Le Pen, also courted controversy this week by claiming that all meat in Paris was halal. To which the meat industry applied, actually, no, it isn't. And Le Pen said, yes, it is. And that seems to be as far as the debate got John.

And so, I co-exist also kind of weighed into this, saying that it's wrong to all meat in Paris's halal, even though it clearly isn't. And it seems like France is following the rest of the world in infantilising its democracy to spectacular levels. But look at this debate about halal meat, I don't fully understand, because, you know, is that so? Is it so wrong if all meat was halal? Because I had an elderly relative who used to go to church, but whose husband also by coincidence, an elderly relative who used to go to church, but whose husband, also by coincidence and elderly relative of mine, was a fully convinced atheist. Now when he died and contrary to his explicit wishes, she had him buried in the local church.

And her logic was, well dear, if he's right, it doesn't make any difference. And if it's wrong, it might do him some good. So in fact, our government should be forcing us to eat nothing but halal and or kosher meat, preferably both simultaneously. Personally, I tried to cover all bases by eating halal hot dogs shaped like the Pope while saying, oh, I've a think I'll be all right. Elections always bring out the true colors of candidates, Andy. And so often those true colors are a kind of industrial sludgey hue with a disgustingly oily residue. And as you mentioned, French President Nicolas Sarkozy is facing a real struggle to win re-election.

He's trailing heavily in the polls behind the socialist candidate, Francois Hollande, and is competing for conservative voters with the far right national front party led by Marine Le Pen. Into the Marine Le Pen, by the way, is a biological argument for the theory that being a f*** is hereditary. So, how are sarcophagi decided to win the people of France over? Well, by saying that there are too many foreigners there. That's how.

And sarcophagi is no stranger to xenophobic racebaiting. He's done it numerous times during campaigns in the past. In fact, xenophobic race baiting is his standard karaoke choice Not that there's a song called that he just asked for Spanish lullaby by Madonna and then talks over the top of the backing track about the dangers of immigration And the importance of keeping France French Don't go karaoke singing with sarcosy. That's what I'll say In a TV debate Mr. Sarcosy himself the son of a Hungarian immigrant, a fact that seems to be entirely lost on him, said he plans to almost half the number of new arrivals in

France every elected next month, and that he wanted to restrict some benefit payments to immigrants who'd been in the country for ten years. Nice guy, Andy. Nice guy. Nice guy. Oh, and so, when I say nice guy, I actually mean Nice guy, French city of Nice, which is famously full of artholes. Ha, ha, ha.

It is. I did a concert in Nice once. Did you? It was in a band when I was 12. And we had a lot of money stolen from the hotel room where we were on the stage. What did you play? I was a trumpet.

Yeah. And what did you, what? Well, we played a load of kind of 1970s covers, kind of Creens Clearwater songs. You deserved to have your money stole, right? 12, 12 year old trumpet plays. 12 year old guitar fans. Yeah, right.

We had two trumpeters, a couple of flautists. Yeah. Three or four guitarists, five singers. But as you anyone in the school who could do anything vaguely musical, and we played this collection of 70s, and then a classic 80s cockroque. Final countdown was very much a signature.

The signature. Feature section now, Mathematics. And there has been a controversy in a Washington DC charter school. After a teacher was discovered to have assigned third grade students a series of math problems around violent and illegal scenarios. John, can I just pick up maths? Sorry, maths. One plus one. One math plus another math. Maths. Math problems. At first the teacher said he'd been ordered to assign these problems but it later turned out that he'd actually downloaded

them from a free homeschooling website. That sounds legit. And they're like, oh, why not? An entirely unregulated website for homeschoolers, I'd call that a valid resource. At the head of the school involved said, I was absolutely distressed. It doesn't follow anything we do. We're about character, excellence and service. And I found these questions to be violent and racist.

Violent and racist sounds like someone just tried to make maths fun. To violent and racist, that's basically everything I was taught at school about British history. So I teach you the wrong lesson. What's even better is that apparently the teacher in question is a minister as well. So let's take a look at the questions in question, shall we? Here's one. I was sleeping one night when a hungry vampire sucked 3,652 liters of blood from me

and 1,865 liters of blood from my little brother. How much blood did the hungry vampire drink that night? Now, I mean, that seems fine, a bit violent, maybe, but nothing too bad. A slightly worrying amount of blood being sucked, but you know, I guess it's all in cartoon fun. Yeah, of course I mean, you can do maths. Yeah, you've got to link it up with a biology silly surely.

Sure, sure, exactly. And after what Sesame Street uses a vampire to teach children about counting, it's just that vampire doesn't do that by sucking 3,500 litres of blood out of a six-year-old. But, you know, still not too bad. Let's try another one. Um, question number two. I took a nap in a bog one day and woke up screaming. Free-go-wee-go-been there. 3,796 leeches, 2,910 flees,

and 1,044 vampire bats were stuck to my bald head, drinking my blood in ecstasy. How many blood thirsty blood suckers were dining on my head? Okay, that's a bit weird, Andy. We're now in difficult territory. There seems to be a bit of a blood bath going on in these maths problems. It's like a mathematics course designed by Wes Craven.

There is a significantly much higher body count than you normally expect from a math test. Because usually what you get is, oh, a train travels at 35 miles an hour. Liverpool is 156 miles away. How long will it take the train to get to Liverpool? And not a train travels at 35 miles an hour.

Liverpool is 156 miles away. The train hits a bus carrying 64 people, all of whom are 7 and 2, and whose blood covers the wheels of the train, making go two miles an hour faster. How long will it now take to get to Liverpool? But hold on, now the train's going faster, it's unable to stop in time and slams right into the platform in Liverpool where 314 people are standing. How many of those people are critically injured? It's another question. John's father gave him 1,359 marbles on his birthday.

That's fine. John swallowed 585 marbles and died. That is not fine. Nine of John's friends came to his funeral the next day. John's grieving father gave the remaining marbles to John's friends in equal numbers. How many marbles did each friend get? Okay, that teacher is a serial killer, I think.

That is also one... I mean, if you're gonna do that, at least get... I'm sure you can get the 585 marbles back out of the kid. You know, give us... give us something genuine to remember him by. Um, Brian, a brave member of a SWAT team in California, had a terribly busy week last week. He had to work for seven whole days. He killed 163 terrorists, 296 murderers and 206 arsonists.

Is this real? How many criminals did he kill on average each day? Is that true? Yeah. Oh my. Well, I mean, it's true. It's on the website, at homeschoolingparadise.com, if you want rich entertainment, and actually some quite testing mathematics. Let's give this website a few. Let's not bury the lead here. These are not easy problems. I mean the problem is that you know if you take this this might

explain to me the excesses of Californian pleasing over this piece. 111 murderers broke into my house because they wanted to steal my maths work sheets. Luckily I had a bulldog of boxing and a massive to protect me. My ferocious dog's killed all the murderers. My brawny box, I killed 19 more murderers than my sleepy bulldog. My massive massive tour of part thrice as many murderers as my box. How many murderers did each dog kill? There's another one bugler. Uh-huh. Do send your answers in. Sally had between 35 and 60 ugly bearded men who wanted to marry her. She finally told them to arrange themselves in groups of eight in her garden to help her

decide how they were five men left over. She tried again and told them to arrange themselves in groups of six. This time there was one hysterical man left over. She married the hysterical man out of pity and told the rest to get lost. How many men? How many men want to marry? That just sounds like the plot of quite a good body movie. Yeah. Either that or it's the next absolutely joggantically successful American reality show, Abby. Historical men. That is great to live a pool four hours 31 minutes. Your emails now, and we have an email here saying,

dear Chris, just, whoa, just dear Chris. Well, I hope you are alone while you are reading this email. If Andy's with you, just whistle and pretend you're doing something else so that you don't tip him off. You are not safe. I'll repeat, you are not safe. Nobody is safe from these monsters. Well, listen to the department, episode 201, which is a radio show that Andy and I did

just years ago. That is series two, episode one. Yeah. Episode 201. No, that show was canceled well before that and well before it. I stumbled across Andy and John's dark secret there they explicitly say you are allowed to kill buglers five minutes forty seconds in. I assume the whole bugle run has been a labyrinth plan to create a

following a group of people who've they've dubbed buglers and we're now getting ready to embark on their murderous spree against us. It's obvious that you and Paul are the closest to these homicidal maniacs. I trust that you too will be able to formulate a plan to take Andy and John down before it's too late. Yours in terror and solidarity, Rudia. PS, I suspect the Tom found out and was spared by Andy and John, only after agreeing to be exiled to Australia. Please be careful. Well, well, busted, Andy.

Yeah. We were setting up our own version of the Hunger Games. That's right. And then a hunt humans down the ultimate sport here. And a barely listened to late night rodeo foreshow that was wrongly cancelled. For new listeners, who are still listening, Chris is the current producer in London. I don't think we can hear today because we're both in the middle. I am recording the actually here. Oh, Chris is recording himself, so we can hear him. So he's the British voice been hearing. Paul is the guy here,

who's studio we're recording in in New York, who's a... Where are you from originally? Paul. Boston. I was going to say you were a chewsess. Paul is a demand whose studio we're recording. He's sitting through the glass. And for us, Chris, I think you should take this on board. I came here today for the recording, and I'm presented. Not with just a humble cup of coffee as you present me with. But with a full-on pasta dish.

Yes. Outstanding kind of mushroom and tomato pasta dish to set me up for the bugle recording. So all I'm saying is raise your game. Raise your game when I get back. You pull. You minotry it like the ****. Divide and conquer.

And Tom is the former producer who skipped off to us to the wrong hemisphere a couple of years ago. The fact that I'm here and Paul and you are both together with Paul means I'm not quite sure of its meal Paul who needs to be most worried right now. But we did say, we did definitely say you are allowed to kill buglers. Yes. And I can't remember what. I'll even turn into a very amusing Winston Marseilles joke.

Oh yeah, that's right. So do keep your emails coming into info at thebugalpodcast.com. And don't forget that you can find a podcast on SoundCloud, easily the greatest hosting device on the internet. I'd say John, wouldn't you? Yeah, I mean, it is the only one I've heard of,

Andy, but maybe that's because you don't need to hear about any others. Sport now, and as John suggested earlier in the show, things have been happening at Chelsea after their young Portuguese manager, Andre Villasboa was sacked by Roman Abramovich after about nine months in charge. And he became a, I think, was the sixth manager that Abramovich was about nine months in charge. And he became, I think it was the sixth manager that Abramovich was sacked in about six years. He's announced today that in the four days since he sacked Villasbars, he has already sacked five more Chelsea managers. He announced in her press statement, I've sacked X Italy boss Marcello Lippie and X boss Lonebrost Frank Reikard

plus three others without even appointing them. I've had a phenomenal week. And the Valencia boss Unai Emory has denied that he is interested in being sacked by Chelsea. He said, I'm happy not being sacked at Valencia. Villas Bars himself is admitted being sacked by Chelsea too early in his career. He says, with hindsight, I should have gained more experience not being sacked by someone else before being sacked by Chelsea. And also in football, a question from the homeschooling website that Rangers Football Club appear to have taken particular heed of. It's a maths question all about football. What is 10 million minus 20 million? Is it a 30 million? And that is the only option that appears to be the economics range that has been run on.

And many other football clubs. So that's it for this week's New York Bugle. I have some gigs in New York if you're around in this coming week. I'm interested to see how smoothly this goes, Andy. When are those gigs? And where are those gigs? Well, there's a list on the Bugle website, the Bugle podcast.com. he dot com. The internet has been coming for 15 years now. Yeah, I just, you know, the dot com bit just seems kind of pass A. There's a full list on the bugle website. I'm doing a gig at the upright Citizens Brigades on Wednesday. Yeah. And at the duplex on Thursday.

Uh-huh. And some club gigs also. Mm-hmm. But do check for details. And hopefully you'll see some of you at John's filming on Saturday. Yeah. Awesome.

Any further questions, John? I've got nothing, Andy. What else have you got in store for me for my new York week, apart from the batting cage? Batting cage Probably will probably get a burger somewhere around it and the rest of the time we're gonna be skateboarding. Awesome Excellent. You've got a half pipe in your flat, haven't you? Heaven is a half pipe, Andy. Testifying. Skate or die.

It's in the book of Leviticus. Or as it's gonna be the case this week, Skate, then die? Ha ha ha. Thanks for listening, Bueglos. We'll see you, now we won't see you. We will talk out you next week. Bye! Bye!

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