The Bugle - Bugle 195 – A drop of Reagan’s Blood

Episode Date: May 25, 2012

The latest news from the Egyptian elections, hosting it's 1st democratic election in 7000 years, and from London 2012, where there are many missiles on buildings. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to Uschew 100 and 95 of the Bugle audio newspaper for this unapologetically visual world with me and his ultimate live in London within literally a couple of hundred miles of the Olympic torch, the beacon of hope for the future for the world, Manor Lafayette torch. I can't believe we have got by without it in this country, and I think we should just keep parading around forever. It's all this country needs, but in a city

left very much in the dark, in the unremitting gloom, and without hope through the absence of even anything slightly resembling an Olympic torch. It's Lord Ha Ha himself, John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello, Puglers. What the f*** do you think the Statue of Liberty is holding at them? I don't know what could possibly resemble an Olympic torch more than what that lady's waggling in the air at every ship that goes past. I thought it was a story ice cream. Ha ha ha ha.

And the last weekend, I did a gig at a festival in Brooklyn called Guga Muga. Unfortunately, Guga Muga turned out to be a slightly better word down a festival. It was technically a food festival, but unfortunately due to poor planning, they ran out of food early in the afternoon, which is basically like a music festival running out of bands. It's not going to go down well with the mostly drunk crowd. At a parry, there was nearly a riot in this food festival on the Saturday, with people getting into fist fights outside artists and chicken hearts. It might be a good time for America as a nation just to pause for a moment

and think about how far they've come. Because just to reiterate, people are about to riot over a lack of access to free tasting plates of food from high-end restaurants. This is a country that's rioted over racism, over wars, over injustice, and here was a group of people about to descend into an audiophile while screaming, where am I fucking free for you, these sausages? How entitled do you have to become as a country for that to be a legitimate flashpoint in any way, Andy? New York itself has experienced the draft rights of 1863, the Stonewall rights of 1969, the Attica Prison Rights of 1971, and now the Guga Muga Lobster Biscuits of 2012.

And I really think that instead of being ashamed America should be proud because at that point you have reached the final stage of being an empire. You've completed it. You are at the mountaintop and the only thing that is left now is to fall down the other side. But at least enjoy the view while you're up there. That's what Martin Luther King was talking about. He said, I have a dream. It was all about something with fusion food, I think. Ha, ha, ha.

What more an idea for a recipe than a dream, but bear with me. So this is Buegel 195 for the week beginning, Monday the 28th of May, as always a section of the Buegel is going straight in them. In this week, well, summer has come to the hemisphere that it once called home. And the section in this week is a summer ethics supplement, including, is it ethically wrong or merely Darwinian to spare yourself unwanted wasps at family picnics by smearing your child with jam and telling them it's a new form of sunscreen. If you have sensitive

skin but forgot to put your hat on, is it wrong to protect yourself from the sun by leaning in under someone else's hat? And how long should you leave it before explaining exactly what is going on? Should you be honest or tend to talk your way out of it. Hi, I'm your long lost grandmother. Well, I've lost weight and I've lost age. That's In The Bin This Week. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP Top story this week? Vote like an Egyptian. Andy, for thousands of years,

voting like an Egyptian used to mean basically not voting at all, or trying to vote and getting hit with big sticks. But the bangles weren't as willing to write a song about that, were they? Probably because the accompanying dance was a bit less jeointy, as it involves acting like you're being rhythmically beaten down to the floor before being dragged away. But not anymore. Because this week Egyptians have been voting like they're never going to get to do it again, which may be a slight depressing possibility. But let's be positive, Andy.

Just over a year ago Egypt began a revolution that would eventually drive Hosni Murak from power, the power that he'd been clinging to like an increasingly angry limpet. And just to put this into perspective, there was one American commentator this week that pointed out that these may be the first free elections in 7,000 years of Egyptian history. 7,000 years, that's a long time to be sitting on the bench of democracy, Andy, watching from the sidelines desperate to rip off your tear away pants and get in the game. Put me in, coach, I can do this! Give me a ballot paper and I'll shove

it in that box so fast you won't have time to check my ID. Get me in the game coach! Well, there might be really 7,000 years, but apparently the turnout has only been around about 50%. So it's good to see that they've looked at us, John, and they have embraced Western-style democracy, which made it involved sitting at home going, ah, they're all the same. So who are the front runners? Well, there's Mohammed Morsi from the Freedom and Justice Party. That's the political prong of the Muslim brotherhood. So it's essentially an Islamist party. Now, to us Westerners, the words Islamist Party provoked two reactions. One is, wow, how do I get an invite to that? That is going to be

awesome. Or two, ah, we're doomed. There are, no, I'm sure we'll be fine. I'm sure a president from an Islamic party that's already been accused of trying to exploit its democratic power to exert a political stranglehold will be absolutely fine. Please, please make it fine. Bring back the f***ing pharaohs.

Ha, ha, ha. Of course, Hosley Moobarak was ousted 15 months ago and very much an old school leader. And I think we talked about the Sun of Bugle a while ago, but what the WikiLeaks showed America thought of Hosni Mubarak. They saw him as a flawed leader, but a valuable ally. Now I think the people of Egypt saw him as a little more than flawed, if I can read a flawed leader, but a valuable ally. Now I think the people of Egypt saw him as a little more than flawed, if I can read the subtext of his current trial for murder and fraud.

Now the people of Egypt clearly thought of him as slightly more than flawed if I'm correctly reading the subtext of his current trial for murder and corruption. So I guess America viewed Mubarak, John, very much, as you and I have been smashed in the face with a toy hippo, not ideal could have been a lot worse, could have been smashed in the face with a real hippo or perhaps even a real hippo carrying an anvil. And we interesting see how these new leaders shape up, you know, whether it be a genuine break from the past, one of his government is running and it potentially could get to the second round runoff. And we'll back himself, of course, a very old school leader, and a very slow to react to the new forces that have been unleashed

when the revolution kicked off a year and a bit ago. When it all kicked off, he gathered his cabinet around him and said, right, is anyone got any ideas? And as all Egyptian leaders have done, there's some Japanese cabinet said pyramid? Yeah, pyramids. They seem pretty angry this time. We better make it a f***ing pointy. The Egyptian is a very, very new to democracy, Andy. So it's not right to expect that this will go perfectly straight away. It's like watching a child's first steps. It's bound to be clumsy at first and everyone's gonna be so busy trying to film it.

They might not be paying enough attention to stop the child falling and slamming their head into the side of a table. That could well happen here. Now there are 13 candidates for the gypsies to choose from, four current front runners. And if none of them wins more than 50% of the vote, a runoff will be held on the 16th and 17th of June.

The quirk there will actually be a runoff. The two top candidates will race each other, of course 100 meters dressed up as Pyramids, and the winner becomes the president. Like I said, they're pretty new to this Andy, and they tend to take terms like runoff quite literally. One of the other front runners is Archme Chafique, a former commander of the Air Force, who served as Prime Minister under Mubarak for a month during the protests last year. His campaign flowers call him the only civilian administrative presidential candidate who has real and successful

administrative experience. Wow. He might want to work on that slogan a bit, Andy. That's about as catchy as a John Cale jingle. Is he, is he, is he, is he Ronald Reagan got him? No, no. Don't you think? Shafiq has also been criticized for working for Moorbarak for so long, but he insists that he was always a voice of the opposition within Mabarak's regime. Pretty f***ing quiet voice. That's for sure, Andy. A barely audible voice at all. Almost a voice that was waiting till Mabarak's regime. Pretty fucking quiet voice, that's for sure, Rambi. A barely audible voice at all. Almost a voice that was waiting till Mubarak was leaving the room and then saying,

you need to resign and I'm free of better infections. I'm sorry, what's that? Nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing, so I've just got a weird cold, that's all. All the candidates will compete in a formal wear and swimwear competition before singing a medley of Michael Jackson songs, then each cooking a meal from a bag of 16 random ingredients before a national phone vote decides the winner. Like I said, they are new to this, Andy. They're new to it. Up early reports are that the two days of voting passed off

peacefully and election monitors seem happy so far. One American election monitor said, we don't know who will win in this election. We don't know whether there will be a runoff. But as one observer of other elections too, like Tunisia, I must say that this process for the last five days since I've been in Egypt was enormously impressive and attributes to the people of Egypt. Ouch! Take that Tunisia! Little passive-aggressive job there from the election monitors. Tunisia actually released an official response saying, Hey, hey, can't we all just be happy for Egypt

without dragging us into this fucking hell? On the second day of voting, Musa and Shafik exchanged angry remarks, catfiting all day and each claiming that the other one is losing badly and should pull out immediately. And I was watching this with a tear in my eye, Andy, thinking, they're getting it. They're getting it. They're taking to democracy like a duck to boiling water. It's like releasing a seal pup into the wild and watching it as it takes its first shuffling

waddle steps towards the water before immediately being mulled by a polar bear. You're just so proud and then so horrified and then so proud again. The candidates have tight spending restrictions there each allowed to spend no more than 10 million Egyptian pounds on campaigning the first round which is about 1.6 million US dollars, and then only two million Egyptian pounds in the second round, which is just over $300,000. That's just adorable, Andy. US candidates are gonna spend that amount on balloons alone. But that is the first thing these Egyptians

are gonna have to work on. Get rid of those campaign finance restrictions. It's not about how much you can afford. It's about how much businesses to whom you'll be compromisingly indebted for your entire time in office can afford. It's about how much business is to whom you'll be compromisingly indebted for your entire time in office can afford. That's just how it works. But Mitt Romney could get rid of that entire budget

in one bout of urination. Exactly, exactly President Obama and Baron, Middleton, Romney will each have raised over $1 billion in campaign funds by the time the election comes around. So to put it mildly, Egypt has a long way to go before they can compete with that kind of democratic dick swinging.

But it's interesting, isn't it, John, that you know, it seems quite a close run election and Mubarak, of course, was overthrown. That's not bowed well for whoever becomes the new president because you think back at the last president's election in 2005, John, move Barak, this supposedly unpopular despot, pulled an amazing 88.6% of the vote. Wow.

That shows how popular he was, John. Yeah, that's pretty good. And in second place was A Manor, with a disappointing 7.3%. Well, you know, you've got to be a little winner. Well, he must have run a very solid campaign, with a barrack that's something he was disappointing, given that the previous time,

in a straight referendum on his leadership, he had 93.8% in favour of him. So, there you go. However, the new president is Andy, he or she, just joking, he will have a smog as board of shit to wade through on their first day in office, as they will inherit a legacy of corruption, poverty, rampant unemployment and security problems, as well as the fact that it won't be clear what

powers the president actually has, as the constitution has not been fully written yet. The only thing all parties seem to be able to agree on is that presidential powers should definitely be curtailed to prevent, you know, another Mubarak-like nutcase coming into office for the next 70 years, sitting on his power like a chicken on a massive egg full of massive tanks. And the other problem is that as one journalist wrote, the Sternis test for Egypt's fleshly democracy may turn out to be not the voting process itself, but the business of persuading Egyptians to accept

the result even if they don't like it. Because that truly is the biggest lesson for any democracy having. When you live under a dictator, you get used to him kicking you in the balls. Under democracy, you have to get used to half your own population kicking you in the balls. Under democracy, you have to get used to half your own population kicking you in the balls instead. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha two and a half years ago on compassionate release by the Scottish government, because he was apparently literally weeks from death, and he remained literally weeks from death

for a phenomenally impressive number of weeks without encountering death. And he would have thought, the very least he could have done John in all that time out of basic politeness was fake his own death. Good enough for Elvis Presley, it should have been good enough for him. And of course America was now comfortable with McGraw, he'd been released on a compassionate release, and they don't really like releasing innocent people in America, so you can see the way they had a bit of an issue with it. And the footage was on the news again this week of the day that he was released back in 2009, a frail old man walking out onto an aeroplane wearing a cap that had a Nike swoosh on it. Now, he must have had the world's most persuasive agent, John, to

pull that deal off. Show, Nike. Let's talk. In your portfolio, you currently have Roger Federer, the greatest tennis player the world has ever seen, a man who makes your heart sing at the joy of existence just by hitting a backhand up the line. You also have Tiger Woods, one of the greatest golfers the world has ever seen. Or remember, this is before it became clear that he had his little prong control problem. And you also have the Brazilian national football team the most iconic brand in the whole of world sports.

That's an impressive lot Nike. But what you do not have in your portfolio is a convicted terrorist or a terminal cancer patient. My guy, do for one. Do we have a deal? Let's talk zeros. And the every American actually you do now, sounds like it is about to narrate a Mickey Stantaglio not.

It sounds like a drunk colomba. Well, I didn't have your level of acting training, John. Correct, you didn't, Andy. Which is why you're not in the Smurfs, Andy. Because you couldn't make it believable. Well, there's someone that a bugle-listened did launch an internet petition to try and get me cast in the next smurf.

Ha! I voted. Well done. I put my signature down, yeah. So I think it passed the target of 100 signatories. So presumably that now becomes legally binding, doesn't it? Yeah, I think so. I think so.

I'll post the link on the Google Twitter feed. And you can all vote and see if democracy really exists in the film industry. BELL RINGS Reagan blood news now and a violent front with Reagan's blood was put up for auction this week and bidding reached more than $30,000 until the sale was suspended after the Reagan estate threatened legal action. Now, the item in question is a 5-inch glass vile which contains traces of dried blood.

It's said to have been taken from a laboratory that tested Reagan's blood for lead in the days after he was seriously wounded by an assassin in 1981. And that really begs the question, Andy, what would you do with a vile of Ronald Reagan's blood? If you bought it, would you wear it on a necklace around your neck as a conversation piece? It would certainly be quite an icebreaker on a first date. Oh, what's that around your neck? This, it's a vile of Ronald Reagan's blood.

That'll either be a great icebreaker or a great iceformer. In the way, you're going to know where you stand very quickly. He said bidding had reached £19,000 in real money for the blood, which believed to have magic properties, John, including the ability to rehabilitate a flagging political party, the ability to wear a silly hat without it detracting from your air of authority, and also the ability not to notice dodgy arms deals to Iran was happening outgoing every man kind of personality to make bringing down democratic elected governments seem kind of fun again. Officials claim the blood was taken after Reagan beat death one-0 in that famous assassination

attempt in 1981, but it was in fact, well, it was really exclusively on the the the bugle spat out into a hotel basin by Margaret Thatcher when she put her human teeth back in after a summit meeting in Washington in the mid 80s. It's been been on by various interested parties, these included. The celebrity chef and culinary experimentalist extraordinaire, Heston Blumenthal, who was playing a new dish featuring a presidential blood catch-up alongside a sausage made of, well, don't worry, don't worry what it's made of,

it's the taste that counts. What did happen to Abraham Lincoln's body anyway? Also, interest was the celebrity artist, Damian Hurst, who wanted to put the vile of blood in the cardboard box, get a school dinner lady to sit on it, and then call it the remorseful sanctity of departed hope. Mikhail Gorbachev, who wants to touch up the blood spatter mark on his head from his first meeting with Reagan when they headbutted an argument over a chess game.

And the Chelsea boss and Russian oil plutocrat Roman Abramovich, who's rumoured to be thinking of playing the vile of Ronald Reagan's blood on the left of a 5-man midfield next season. But the leading bid at the time that the auction was cancelled on grounds of basic taste was Mitt Romney, who apparently thinks that a transfusion of Ronnie Blood will give him the credit bill of boost that he needs to win the presidential election in November and start legislating America back to the 20th century. Credit bill of boost. that's a functional word. It is. Yeah, I mean, it saves you a syllable,

doesn't it freeze up a bit of extra time? It is. You say that a million times, then. That's not an insignificant amount of time. Other items in the auction of interest included an entire bucket of Nixon's saliva. Apparently, he would dribble a lot while thinking

decisions through in the Oval Office and kept a special bucket next to his desk, so as not to completely soak the carpet. Also, 12 points of Kim Jong-il's tears. The famous movie buff kept labeled pint bottles of his own tears, and which film had made him weep them. Half a pint on Bridges of Madison County, three points on finding Nemo, and four pints on the killing fields,

but apparently those were tears of laughter. And also two and a half tons of Florence Nightingale's toenails. Apparently she had to cut them every day they grew so fast, just one of the details that made her so hot. Oh yeah, hello no. Also available at Cion on various auction sites today. Further, bodily fluids, the urine squeezed out of Francis Drake's

Bolt's trousers, back in 1588. If I may slightly recycle one of my favourite jokes from the department. Yeah. Some drool, mocked from Yasser Arafat's chin from the first time he laid eyes on Madeline Albright. Oh yeah. And the cold sweat from Neville Chamberlain's foreheads from when he read what Hitler had actually written on that piece of paper. Of course, it's not the first time that President's blood has been up for sale.

Calvin Coolidge's blood, in fact, is still used as the basis of a homeopathic remedy for an addiction to making chicken noises. That's a fact. Here's something I read this week, John, about the Republican campaign. One of their advisors is a guy called Grover Norkquist. Do you, are you a buddy of his? I would say a buddy, I'm aware of him, Andy. He has a famous pledge that he makes people sign,

which basically stalls democracy for the next century. It's a good guy. He's a good guy. He said they stay today. It's all to the earth, Andy. It's apparently, his day today is to make federal government so small that it could drown in a bathtub.

And that, John, is the kind of imagery that could only have been concocted by someone who has drowned something in a bath time. LAUGHTER MUSIC Feature section now, Olympics! And the Olympic countdown is quickening Andy. Well that's not technically true.

It's not exactly the same place. It's just the Olympics is getting closer. And, well, I mean, where's London at, Andy? Has the Queen got the Olympic rings tattooed onto her forehead yet? I guess there's no rush. She's technically still got time, but she'd better do it soon, Andy, because if Queen Victoria can get those Olympic rings tattooed onto her ass, then this Queen can get them tattooed onto her face. Represent your majesty, and while you're at it, it might be worth getting a tear drop tattoo for killing Princess Diana as well. this queen can get them tattooed onto her face. Represent your majesty, and while you're at it, it might be worth getting a teardrop tattoo for killing Princess Diana as well.

Or not if you didn't do it, which I'm sure you probably didn't, but if you did get one. Well, I know John, he's pretty busy with impending Jubilee celebrations, which, oh, I mean, it's set to be the greatest day in the history of British history. That next, we'll have extensive coverage on the Jubilee celebrations on the Bugle next week.

But the main thing at the moment with Olympics John is the Olympic flame, which is a bit of fire that has been more raptorously received than any other piece of fire since the one that burnt the famously annoying 14th century nut politician Nigel the KIT at the state. That's even the most popular bit of fire since Prometheus charged back down from Mount Olympus shouting, hey folks I've nicked fire off Zeus, oh I think he's gonna get cranky. And of course see to get cranky Zeus firstly chained Prometheus to a rock and had an eagle eat his liver out every single day, which was bad news for Prometheus, that must have been really annoying after a while, especially if he was a very keen

ornithologist. Oh, let me guess, a f***ing eagle again, great. Also, quite an on for the eagle. I hate liver, I prefer rabbit car patch, I've got to have a balanced diet, and I like the challenge of catching little scuttle things. This clown title rock is not taking candy from a baby. F***, it's like... Zeus sent further punished humanity by inventing women. But she's an interesting little angle in that Greek myth. He should write that Zeus then created Pandora the first woman and from her

is the race of women and female kind. Of her is the deadly race and tribe of women who live amongst mortal men to their great trouble. No help meets in hateful poverty, but only in wealth. Well, he's the odd who got dumped by his girlfriend at the epic poet of the year dinner. Polly fancied Homer more than she fancied you, mate. The Olympic torches indeed currently being jogged across Britain where it's been met with crowds all week including an organised trunk salute from two elephants in a safari park

raising their trunks in respect as well as an impromptu trunk salute from two guys who happen to stumble out of the pub as the torch went past, both raising their middle fingers in confusion. Both proud British traditions, Andy. Will I am from the Black Eyed Peas was one of the people who carried the torch for reasons that I think only history will be able to truly understand. And he received some criticism for tweeting on his phone while he was carrying the torch. He literally had the Olympic flame in one hand and his phone in the other hand tweeting about how he was carrying the Olympic torch in the first hand. And all that, all the while, not looking where he was going.

It would have been poetic justice if he just runs straight into a tree by mistake, Andy, tweeting all the way. Just ran into a tree by mistake, Andy, tweeting all the way. Just ran into a tree with torch. Hashtag, outch my face. Hashtag, wrong kind of trunks aloot. Hashtag, why the f*** am I carrying this torch? Hahaha. Was he not in the British 4x400 meter relay team

in the European Championship? It's a 1986. That would make more sense if that was the case, Andy. He ran a leg in Somerset. And one of his earlier tweets had been, thank you Coca-Cola for this once in a lifetime opportunity to come to Taunton and run the torch. I wasn't clear whether he was implying, Andy, that Coca-Cola was controlling who was running the torch or whether Coca-Cola was controlling who got to go to Taunton and was set up strict East German star border crossings into the county town.

It's been a while since I've been in Britain, Andy, so I'm not really sure what's going on over there. And I had heard that Chuxbury was currently controlled by Mountain Dew. The torch was lit in accordance with tradition at the ancient site of Olympia, the home of the ancient Olympic Games. So a very atmospheric place, John, the ruins of where modern sports began to take its current form. It's a very important place for both you and me in that regard. And in fact, there are ruins of the earliest verified hot dog van as well. And Lord Sebastian Coe told the BBC when the flame was lit, a couple of weeks

ago, he said, today is the rallying call to athletes, the best athletes of their generation to come to London. No, no, they knew the Olympics was happening before that. That was not the rallying call. He then continued to say, we are reminded this morning of sports enduring and universal appeal and the timeless Olympic values that transcend history and geography values which I believe in these challenging times are more relevant than at any time before and particularly to young people the world over and those values. Let us not forget the values of striving for personal perfection of competition and dignity towards your opponents, of relentless commercialisation, of scrambling

around for sponsorship regardless of the dubiousness of its suitability or provenance, and our breaking protectionism of what once was a symbol of human endeavour and joy but has now been reduced to a brand to be wagged around in people's faces like a stroppy mode is with the Ten-Gam moments. Still, on the plus side, John, when the sport starts, it's going to be fucking awesome. Jack Rogger said, the flame is a beacon for the Olympic values of friendship, excellence and respect, a symbol of fellowship and peace. And then I did, I kind of just remembered a couple more values, political grandstanding,

highly scientific cheating, and the brushing under the carpet of minor inconveniences such as massive human rights abuses, and also the rampant profiteering that knows where the solar sport, like an atheistic hamster at a wooden pope, I'm done now. But the point is when it started going to be amazing, Andy. Absolutely, Andy. Awesome, John. There are obviously concerns about security and safety during the game, Andy, even more so because apparently, missile systems have been placed on launch pads around London, including in two residential complexes, as a last resort option to shoot down any low-flying

aircraft attempting a suicide mission at one of the Olympic venues. There is only one problem, Andy. Well, there's technically two problems, and that is that, number one, the Ministry of Defence just admitted that the missiles don't work in bad weather, as they rely on the operator being able to see the target, which he couldn't in low cloud or rain conditions, which actually lead us to the second problem, and that is that these Olympic games are in ****ing British and England. And London without drizzle is like the Queen without the Olympic rings tattooed on her forehead. Incomplete! Well, if you did tattoo them on her forehead, you would probably be sued by the IOC.

What an authorized use of their copy-rope. That is a good point, because these London Olympics will feature some very draconian advertising restrictions, especially surrounding branding in the main Olympics area, where there will be a chillingly titled Brand Exclusion Zone, where spectators will be prevented from wearing clothing, displaying competing brands, or bringing in unofficial snack and beverage choices. Within the zone, the world's biggest McDonald's will be the only branded food outlet. Athletes are barred from blogging about breakfast cereals or energy bars if they're not an official sponsor, and spectators may well be barred from posting photos they take to Facebook as they may be infringing

copyright. Now, you're going to the Olympics, Andy. And I guess that means that you can't wear a bugle t-shirt unless we sponsor the Olympics to the tune of $100 million. No, no, no, I guess I don't know because I guess my face is in the current bugle logo. I'm going to have to cover your face. Yeah, you can't use your face. No. Your face cannot, but you can go, but your face cannot go. That is, that is chilling. Absolutely chilling.

The problem with these weapons, John, is that you just, you know, they just want to get, don't want to get them mixed up having these missiles. I'm going to mix up with a javelin as, of course, happened at the Crystal Palace Grand Prix in 1991. And here comes Steve Bakley, Kenny Poss. So listen, these 92, 34, 2, take the gold up he comes, the way it goes up into the London air, it's coming down, it looks good around the 93 meter mark, I think. I'll know he's blown up the southern end of the stadium and lots of parts of South East London. Well, would you believe it? He's also severed the leg off one of the 5,000 meter runners who was passing at the time. And unfortunately that bit of leg has landed at 91.32, so backly actually misses out yet again.

Can I just ask about these missiles? Yeah. London's quite busy. What happens if A, the missile misses or B, the missile hits something? Don't show something false to her. That is the Olympics, Chris. There's no place for all this negativity. No, it's not just a shake. It's gonna be great, Chris. Who cares if people get killed in a missile blupper?

It doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter the Olympics. What better way to do it? They probably won't notice. They'll be concentrating on the sport. You're right, it was a stupid question. And it's the only way a lot of people get to take part by being blown up by needless missiles. There has been a lot of dissatisfaction about the way the ticketing has been arranged.

I don't know if this has reached a state side, John, where Biola counts, it was quite a lot easier to get tickets for London if you lived in New York than if you live in London. The low-cog organising committee elected to design a ticketing system that basically does not f**king work, presumably in an effort to calm National Fervor by annoying the living crap out of everyone before it starts. Otherwise, by the time the opening ceremony starts, it could just be absolute mayhem on the street. Maybe they should have done it just on a first-come it on a first served basis, just have everyone turning up on the day. I think that would have been made for entertaining television.

There are complaints that Londoners have forked out for the games through increased council taxes over recent years, but have not benefited at all from them. To which the organisers have replied, have you tried Big Macs? They're absolutely delicious. They'll also complaints that the ticketing site bafflingly shut down for 12-hour maintenance lockdown in the middle of a busy ticket selling window to which the organisers responded. And what better way to wash those Big Macs down and with a cool, refreshing frat flag and of Coca-Cola? We're not asked about the almost Soviet levels of secrecy used to prevent people knowing what was really happening with the tickets, which was necessary because, well, I guess if people have known they might have, oh, look

a puffing. The organisers responded, we love Dow Chemicals, we think they're ace. Napalm, Agent Orange, purchase responsibility for the bow-pull disaster, and yet here they are at the very heart of the Olympic movement. It just shows how inspirational the Olympic spirit is. Is there anything, absolutely anything, is possible if you really put your mind to it. And that's what the Olympics is all about, John. So I think we should all stop being so negative about all that. Do you want to talk to relay fact? Yeah.

Yeah. Who introduced the talk relay in the modern games? That was the Nazis. It was the Nazis. It was. Is. It's a tradition as old as time itself. It was Hitler's idea. As long as time only goes back to 1936 and the height of Nazi propaganda. That's what it's all about. We're basically perading Hitler's one remaining testicle around the country on fire. There also been a lot of complaints about the mascots

at Wendlock and Manderville, which to the untrained eye seemed to be two amorphous gloops modelled on a combination of a sperm and a penis. And I would say, John, what could be more British than that? would say John, what could be more British than that? For what this nation be without sperms and penises would Shakespeare have written all those highly successful rom-coms and rom-trages if his parents had not possessed sperms and a penis between them, would Faraday have invented electricity or what every did, without the British sperm went half of him came,

would Churchill have won the war without his penis, or his father's penis, or his father's father's penis, or all the penises that helped create the heroic men and women who had the balls to fight for freedom. Would the Queen be queen without her ceremonial sperm, and penis, sorry, orb, and scepter? Or would Sebastian Co been so inspired and single

mindedly determined to bring these games to London and make these games a glorious success for this nation, if so many people hadn't been calling him a penis. No, for the penis and sperm. It was British as the sausage and the baked bean they're mottled on. The fish year into each other's chip-yan. As British as Jane Austen and Isaac Newton getting each other pregnant in their teens whilst talking about the weather and a cue for the January sales. As British as resending whatever Brits of Britain you don't come from, or as British as vomiting in the street and shouting as traffic. As British as the sperm and penis is more feminine counterpart, the Overman Wap. What a pub that is. Come on Jessica and I speak quite good

at seven different events and quick sessions so we can momentarily forget that successive governments have pissed this nation's greatest period of plenty of the wall. You owe us that much Do it for Britain and for all the sperms and penises who sail in her In in Britain that is that it look it I've made my point. I've made my point your emails now and there's no time for your emails because we've overrun again but keep them coming in and we'll do some more next week, more than not, that is to info at thebugelpodcast.com. Don't forget you can always also find the podcast on SoundCloud at soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. Good. I think I've nailed it three weeks and I'll get to keep it now. I think you just need to say,

Quickart as one sentence now. Quicker and louder. Just time for quick sports prediction. John, tomorrow Saturday, it is the biggest sporting event in the history of humanity. Harlow wins against Leicester in the Premiership rugby final. This, I mean, this is the humanity's future is resting on this John. Yeah. It doesn't just doesn't get any bigger than this.

It's basically the representatives of BL's above. The whole of Leicester. Against, basically, the rugby equivalent of the... 15 Jesus'. 15 Jesus is crossed with a candy I'll report back next week. I'm our buglers you