The Bugle - Bugle 201 – Dirty bankers

Episode Date: July 20, 2012

Bankers are bad, mermaids don't exist and the Olympics are near. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers! And welcome to issue 201 of the Bugle, we are into our third century of Bugles, audio newspaper for this increasingly visual world with me and his ultimate still unconfirmed as we record as the man who will be lighting the torch at the Olympic opening ceremony next Friday but not explicitly ruled out by the organizers as yet either so hope springs eternal John and in the hauntingly un-Elimpic city of New York it's the Jesse Owens of jokes the Nadia Common etch of nice, the Carl Lewis of creating laughter. The Mark Spitz of massive satire, the Alberto Juantarena of Choirscracks, the Emil Zatapek of Expert Zingers.

That's one for fans of 1950s Czech Distance Runners. You're quite into that aren't you? It's John Oliver! Hello Andy! Hello, Bugglers! Now I forgot to talk about this story last week Andy, but fame, both small and large, is a strange donkey. It seems to not be without some kind of tangible use, but it also has the capacity to kick you in the balls and shit on your face. Now as you know, I was in Rome a couple of weeks ago on holiday and I went to visit the Vatican while I was there, and I was, I think, understandably worried upon entering Vatican City that I might immediately feel a burning sensation in the middle of my forehead. Surprisingly, that did not happen, I guess I'll just slip through.

Anyway, the point is I went to see the Cysteine Chapel, which was pretty incredible as interior decoration goes. And I was standing looking at the back wall which, and what Kalangelo opted to completely cover with his last judgment mural rather than going with the more traditionally popular wall paint a neutral egg shell white. And it was truly mind-blowing. And I was standing there trying unsuccessfully to take it all in when someone came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder and said, are you on TV? Can I have my picture taken with you, please? Which wouldn't be a problem necessarily, Andy,

if we weren't standing in the Sistine fucking chapel, looking at one of the most incredible things that a human being has ever done. And then she said, can we get a photo standing in front of that and pointed at the last judgment? And I instantly thought, wherever Michelangelo is right now, I hope he can't see what's about to happen here. Because otherwise, I think he'd be entitled to say, hey, who is that asshole standing in front

of my fucking painting having his photo taken? Oh, he must be very important to be standing directly in the way of my greatest work, directly obstructing that camera's view of a human masterpiece. Who is he? He's what? A comedian? Oh, is this some kind of practical joke then? No?

That woman actually wants her photo taken with him more than she wants to look at something that took me four f*** years to paint and that nearly drove me crazy. Well f*** that guy, a Michael f***ing Angelo. Oh, please, he***ing Angelo. Oh, piece of shame to himself. He's what? He's already thinking about how he might try and tell a humorous story about this incident.

Well, that story be remembered hundreds of years after his death was being a landmark achievement in exploring the nature of human spirituality. I guess it's too soon to say. But if you ever tried to tell this on stage, I'm coming back as a ghost. I'm gonna sit in front of him while he's telling it. I'm gonna get a painter fucking picture.

Let's see how he likes it. Prick! Well, I'm saying it's an amazing place, Andy. It's an amazing place. Another appearance on the bugle for Michael Angelo, or a little Mickey Paintbrush, as he was known, of course. The full story Mickey Paintbrush, as he was known of course. The full story of Paintbrush told in Bugle 34 for anyone with long memories

and an inability to forget bullshit. Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer So this is Bugle 201, which coincidentally is what's the professional wartime British king, Vsickth, whose magic role testiculosis of course helped produce our glorious current monarch. What he said to the French boss Charles de Gaulle after Britain helped expel the Nazis from France,

201. And this week beginning Monday, the 23rd of July, 2012. And who do you thought John? Just seven years on from the day that you and I were watching the tally at my flat with a media announcement that London would host the 2012 Olympics, that just seven years later in 2012, London would be on the verge of hosting the Olympics. You couldn't have dreamt it. It's truly. You couldn't have dreamt it beyond our world this expectations and 20th also the 6th 50th anniversary of the day in 1962 when Simon and Garfunkel began writing the sound of silence

Which began with the lyric hello darkness you old Took a few revisions before they finally hit it big in the mainstream As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, it's more Olympics audio memorabilia for your commemorative audio sticker album of the 2012 Olympics, including this week. Ben Johnson washing into a test tube in 1988. The next piece of audio memorabilia is from the press conference given by Princess Anne and her horse Goodwill at the Montreal Games in 1976. Goodwill, Goodwill! What you'd like to have a royal arse, Dan?

You have a can on your back! This is what Michael Phelps listened to at the 2008 Games to get himself in the mood before winning all those gold medals. And finally, this is the exchange recorded in 1948 between Fanny Blankas Cohen, the Dutch housewife, after winning the 100 metresing Olympic final. I want the f***ing Olympic champion. Did you see it, darling? Did you see it? BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! Top story this week.

If you have any anti-naulgic medication, take it now, because you may be about to wretch into a bucket. Banking update. And anti-last week, we talked a little about the LIBOR scandal, the manipulation of the key banking rate by a handful of complete arsels, or to give them their numerical term, multi-millionaires. It turns out that the entire city of Baltimore is now launching a lawsuit after suffering huge losses due to the manipulation of LIBOR, so luckily it seems like the victims of the LIBOR scandal are mainly going to be restricted to people, places and things.

Just nouns, basically. So as long as you don't fall under the noun group, you're going to be walking away from this scandalous, happy as a clam. And I remember last week thinking that I was disappointed with myself to think that the behaviour of banks had bottoms out, only for the LiBor scandal to prove I was wrong. And did I learn from that? No, Andy, I did not, because I thought, well, LiBor will be the depth of it now, at least for a few months. How wrong I was, because just one week later, it has emerged that HSBC Bank has been found to have, among other things, laundered a huge amount of money for Mexican drug cartels.

Is this the bottom, Andy? Have we at least bottomed out now? Or are we gonna find out next week that banks have been kidnapping children and harvesting them for fuel? Because if we did, I would be surprised, sure. But I guess not that surprised anymore. Because if it turned out that Barclays was operating

secret, orphaned fuel factories, it would at least seem morally consistent. And also, you know, if it knocked a quarter of a point off my interest payments, who am I to criticize them, John? Let the market decide. Let the market decide. Let the market decide, Andy. Unleash the market, she's hungry. What does he say, as the old saying goes, the darkest hour is right before the dawn,

so could this actually be the exciting new dawn of a new era of morally infused banking? Well, the fact is, it does appear that global mega-finance actually really likes being in the darkest hour, it makes them feel all horny, and they've also spent a lot of money developing an industrial blindfold, so they can just keep it going that X for a bit longer. Also, it's worth knowing it wasn't just Mexican drug cartels that were funneling money through HSBC. HSBC were also apparently channeling money for rogue nations such as Iran and Syria. Apparently, from 2001 to 2007, MSNBC affiliates sent almost 25,000 transactions involving Iran worth over $19 billion

through HBUS and other US accounts, while concealing any link with Iran in 85% of those transactions. It also merged that they might have been dealing with a Saudi bank note of channels money for Al Qaeda. Now you see, that is going gonna hit a bit of a nerve here in America, Andy, where the relationship with Iran and terrorists has been at best strained and dates, such as 2001, are at best poignant. Well, I mean, the other side of looking at this, John,

is that if we don't let drug cartels and roganations and international terror groups use mainstream banking facilities, well then we're just going to push them underground, John. This is all clearly part of a trap to lure them in with promises like banks do with new customers. Lear them in with promises of like a free sports hold-all or a £20 record token if they open a new student savings account. And bang! Next thing you know, you've got

Marmordon with inner jazz address, phone number, mother's maiden name and the name of his first pet. And then you've gotten by the balls, John. You've gotten by his financial balls. Armored inner jazz first pet was a little goldfish called Lucy. You can't say that Andy, that is just completely ruined all his past money, puttin that.

He's a bad man Andy, but he deserves some kind of internet secrecy. On Tuesday, the US Senate hearing, the HSBC's head of compliance, David Bagley resigned in the middle of the questioning, but let's not make that a noble act. Let's not mistake it for a noble act, Andy. Falling on your sword is only noble if you are someone who doesn't fully deserve to have a sword inside your stomach. And announcing that he's leaving and a hearing into HSBC's wrongdoing, Andy,

is like the captain of the Titanic saying he's gonna take a sabbatical from sailing for a while after suddenly hearing a crunching sound outside the ship. But it's more, after suddenly realizing that 90% of a ship is underwater. That's true! You're right, I've got the timing all the wrong there. I said it to Cole Levin, described it as... It's after seeing a violinist float past it. It's when you're standing in the bar trying to order a drink next to a shot.

You know. You've left it too long. Senator Karl Levin described HSBC's lack of controls at its US and overseas units as a recipe for trouble. And this is not just any recipe, John. This is a recipe as reliable as my carbonara recipe for guaranteeing that you get exactly the dish you want, bang on the banana every time. And describing a lack of controls, a discodal thing as a recipe for trouble. Well yes it generally is that's why we

have controls on things. For example we have controls on strangling people with cheese wire if they annoy you during a snooge match. The controls on the number of babies you're allowed to try to throw through a basketball hoop generally set it zero currently in most countries and controls on the number of babies you're allowed to try to throw through a basketball hoop generally set at zero currently in most countries and Controls and whether or not you're allowed to dip your testicles in a cathedral font during midnight mass and shout. I've got magic sperms now controls that the human being needs some because we have an innate human impulse to be a dick Look at the ancient Greek gods no controls Wonder rounding all kinds of extreme naughty and deeply perverted stuff.

It's the same with Big Bangs John, watch and learn the banking sector on your barely regulated mountain limps of amorality. Watch and learn because you might be able to turn yourself into a shower of rain and hump someone, but it doesn't mean you have to do it. The Chief Executive of HBSBC's US Department Irene Dauna, who must absolutely love going into work at the moment. She apologized to the Senate committee, I quote, for the fact that HSBC did not live up to the expectations of our regulators, our customers, our employees and the general public.

You see, you got that wrong Irene. HSBC didn't just live up to everyone's expectations nowadays, they vastly exceeded them. I now I'm just wired to expect bank to be duplicitous crooks, but to be in league with Mexican drug cartels. Oh, Bravo, HSBC. I don't think anyone saw that coming and the fact that that is so true

is clearly part of the problem. And as always with deep regretting in the mega business world, I think what I re-endorn a problem meant was that she deeply regretted HSBC being found out and made public. And you can be pretty sure, John, in any controversy involving banking ethics that the financial moral compass is pointing directly at the Cayman Islands. Yes. The Cayman Islands that put the hay into tax haven and in this case, John, in a most HSBC did not even have customer information on 41% of the accounts held with it in the Cayman

Islands. That to me, John, that shows a certain lack of curiosity on behalf of HSBC. Roughly equivalent to being a parent, having a baby, and not bothering to find out whether it's a boy or a girl until it's 34 years old, and you have to ask it whether it's very, very pregnant or just put on a bit of weight in the last nine months. Having no cost of information whatsoever, 41% of your customers, Andy, is not just a red flag. That is a red flag attached to an alarm bell, attached to a dead canary.

I just don't know how many more signs you need. The bank has said it's in the process of closing down 20,000 accounts in the Cayman Islands as a result of the investigation. And this is yet another case, John, of a bank trying to shoot the horse after the door has bolted in the immortal words of the West Indian cricket legend Viv Richards, clearly a man with his finger

on the global economic pulse. That's such a great question. Clearly, there are big questions also about regulation and oversight. As the report also implicated the US Treasury Department's Office of the Comptroller of the Currency, which is supposed to police things like money laundering, and they were indicted for failing to step in earlier. Senator Tom Coburn said that the OCC had acted as a, quote, a lap dog, not a watchdog, by

failing to catch HSBC at the act, but again, they're not seeing this the right way Andy. The OCC haven't just been a lap dog, they've been a lap dancer, grinding on top of bankers in the hoax that they'll stuff some money into their fiscal G strings. One interesting side note to these banking scandals at the moment, Andy,

is that they all have one thing in common, the live-or scandal, based in Britain. The HSBC scandal, based in Britain. This is a high-end low-points for Britain, Andy. We should be proud of the amounts that we should be ashamed at the moment, because with the banking scandals, the BP oil disaster and the phone hacking scandal, you could make a very coherent case that British businessmen are the most cartoonishly evil people in the whole world. And you know that the US is going to respond in every way they can, Andy. And you can expect Hollywood to once more make British people the villains in all their movies.

Put it this way, Alan Rickman is about to get a lot of job offers. You're going to see both of us in a lot of movies with us twirling our moustaches in a swivel chair with a hairless cat in our lap and a bazooka over our shoulder before Vin Diesel burst in and kicks both of us in the face. All I'm saying is these scandals have real world consequences, Andy. Had the problem with this, John, is, you know, we've got the Olympics now as we record on Friday, the opening ceremony is one week and a few hours away, that the logistical problems that inevitably arise with the transport around the city are going to be further exacerbated by the fact that the entire city of London has basically become the world's biggest crime scene, and it's going to be surrounded

by police tape. Well, they bag and label it and pack it off the forensics. I think to get trust back, at least some trust, HSBC are clearly going to need to increase their transparency. So when you go to a cash machine in the street and you type the amount of money that you want onto the screen, and you then flash up saying, you'll be charged $3 for this transaction. Would you still like to continue? Yes. That $3 might end up in a hands of a Mexican drug cartel. Would you still like to continue?

I guess yes, even though the Mexican drug cartels are routinely murdering law enforcement officials and turning parts of their country into a war zone, still want to continue. I want to say no, but yes. What about if part of the three dollars ended up in Iran? Continue? Yes. Which will be illegal. Continue?

Yes. How about Syria who are, as we speak, murdering their own people in the street to continue? No. Really? Don't you want this money? Yes. Exactly. Shut up then. Here's your $20. Would you like a receipt to remind you of this conversation? No. Didn't think so. Goodbye.

I guess in an industry driven by money therefore in large parts by human greed or tax havenality if you will. This behavior is hardy surprising. And I guess we just have to wait to see what excuses HSBC can come up with, apart from the classic, sorry, my dog ate all the account details of everyone we banked with, to watch... Let's try this again. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what excuses HSBC comes up with, apart from the classic, sorry, my dog ate all of everyone's account details. And what happened, we were busy fixing a broken cash point between 2002 and 2009, did something go wrong somewhere. And of course, the more traditional banking excuse of, sorry, you'll

have to say that a bit louder, I just don't give a f***. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha SIRION USE NOW AND THE DECENT OF THAT BEENIATED COUNTRY IN SUDI FULL HORROR OF WAR CONTINUED AMITS CONTINUING THUMBSWIDDLING FROM THE INSUNNATIONAL COMMUNITY AND RAMPENT BLUDSHEDS OR... SO STOP IT AND WE HAVE INPORTANT BREAKING NEWS! MIRMAID UPDATE NOW! And yeah, just let this wash over you. The US National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration has officially come out and made a statement that mermaids are not real.

Now, your first response to that, people, is might be, now. Only now have they done that. Well, hold on, perhaps they were just waiting to be absolutely sure. America is a very litigious country. You don't want to officially announce that Mermaid aren't real and then get sued by a bunch of offended Mermaid. You don't want the first time you see a mermaid, Andy, to be in a water tank on the steps of a courthouse

announcing a huge out-of-course settlement victory. I think, John, this is yet another story that tells you everything you need to know about America as a nation. All its glory and its idiocy. Now this might not be quite as American, clearly as hitting baseballs off an aircraft carrier into a show of jet skis. But still, for a government agency to feel it has to issue a statement

denying the existence of mermaids proves that America as a nation A believes innately and unstoppable in the concepts of infinite possibility of dreams coming true that every man should be free to have a possibility in his life to get it on with a topless chick who's half made of fish. It proves that the America as a nation is unremittingly silly and say that it's willing to devote government resources to the most ludicrous possible things. What a country, John! What a country!

I'm choking up, Andy. I'm choking up with pride. I've been a legal permanent resident of this great nation. This great stupid nation. They were actually apparently forced to make this statement. It gets even better after a documentary style science fiction program on the Discovery Channel's Animal Planet channel here. After this program suggested in May that the body of a mermaid had been found on a beach and in response to this show they received a huge deluge of

enquiries from the public and that has to be a tough day working the phones at the National Oceanographic and atmospheric administration Andy. Hello? No, no I don't think Mermaid are real. No, no I honestly don't think you did see video evidence. Well okay I'll turn my TV on right now. No, that just looks like an actress with half a CGI had a contact to her. No, I'm pretty sure that's not a mermaid. Excuse me, I have to go. I've got another caller on the line. Hello, National Ship Granite. No, I don't think Mermaid's a real. Hold the line, please. Got another call coming in. Holy shit, Darren, we have a real problem here. The show is called Mermaids, the body found. So they hadn't even found a real-life mermaid, Andy.

They found a mermaid corpse, and that is a lot less sexy. The little mermaid? Huge hit for Disney, Andy. The dead little mermaid. That would have been box office poison. And coming from you, John, those are strong words. Of course it is the hundredth anniversary of the last time that scientists tried to breed a mermaid in captivity. 1912, of course, and it went disastrously horribly wrong.

It was an experiment at the National Aquariance Museum in Berlin, in Germany in 1912, when they tried to make Kaiser Wilhelm with a capture dolphin and they came up with the walrus, which was then released into the world and flourishes to this day, and came with a walrus and a Kaiser with a big old smile on his face, dirty old hound. But you have to ask John, I mean we're being pretty cynical about this, just assuming that there really is nothing that's worth covering up here. But then I followed a link to a website, John, a website entitled Believe in Mermaids.com that claim to have proof of the existence of Mermaids. So I'll type that into my browser.

And what comes up from believeinmermaids.com is the badge of the Department of Justice, the badge of the Homeland Security Investigations, special agent badge. And the words, this domain name has been seized by the OJ Homeland Security Investigations, pursuant to a seizure warrant issued by a US district court.

Is that true? Yeah. Oh my god. Why am I hiding, John? Why am I f***ing hiding? It's Roswell all over again. Release the files. Bring out the Fish Lady.

In election year as well. I mean, how much more are we not being told John? It is it is suspect the official statement. Have you ever seen Hillary Clinton's legs? That's all I'm asking. Was that your go-to woman for the mermaid? First image you have. Oh yeah. the first image you have. Oh yeah. Oh. Yeah, the official statement read, a quote,

no evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found. And I really think if you ever find yourself typing the words aquatic humanoids as part of your daily job, you've done very well, very well indeed. And it's interesting you may think that because even the US immigration and customs enforcement agency got sucked into this after a number of people contacted them. A spokesman for the immigration agency Ross Feinstein wrote in a statement, it is not our agency's position to judge whether or not mermaids exist or don't exist.

Our agency has no open investigations into any issues regarding mermaids. See, trust a bunch of wax jobs, Andy, to see a story about mermaids and somehow find a way to make it into an immigration issue. These bloody mermaids swimming over here stealing our kelp. They should grow legs and learn to speak English. I did. and learn to speak English. I did. You will feature a section now and it can only be one thing. Again, the Olympics. One week away, John, one week today, the opening ceremony. In fact, in five days time, the

first sport begins with a keenly anticipated double header in the women's football competition at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff and I'm delighted to be able to say that I will be covering that exclusively for the Bugle. I'm going down to Cardiff on my own to watch good for you. To watch women's football. You're doing the right thing. For the Bugles, for the special daily bugle bulletins I'll be doing during the games. So on the spot coverage, it's going to be at the absolute cutting edge of sports reporting. What's the game? Well, it's great Britain against New Zealand is one of them. And the other one I think is Brazil against someone

else. So it doesn't get any bigger than that. That is when it all kicks off. But you're right Andy, it's one week before the eyes of the world are on London for our opening ceremony in which we have been promised real live sheep. Did you have real live sheep in your ceremony Beijing? No, I don't think so.

It's so exciting this for Britain and for good reason, because it is always exciting when you buy something that you can't afford. It's just a natural rush. Now the big story in the Bill of the Olympics here has been the complete failure of one of the security companies to recruit sufficient security guards. G4S admitted last week that it did not have enough people and as a result thousands of extra military troops have been drafted in. Now this is obviously quite an exciting moment. The biggest deployment of the armed services personnel in this country to take care of stewarding, sporting event, since we went in very big on making sure there were no safety and security issues, at the 1944

Normandy Beach volleyball championship. And people are understandably disgusted that G4S, the company involved, have completely failed to deliver on their extremely lucrative contract. And G4S' boss, Nick Buckles, did as all people in new stories that he do these days. He appeared a day later at a government select committee to say sorry and be grilled by politicians, who seemed to spend an increasing amount of their time, John, being appalled by stuff that they did absolutely f**k all to prevent happening when they had the chance. What? Are you telling me the financial sector is immoral? But how?

How? Newspapers power their way through the bottom of the barrel and the search for a competitive edge in an increasingly unprofitable marketplace. But no, I just thought they made up all those stories for fun whilst having a picnic in a petting zoo. We had better get to the bottom of this. So British politics has sprung into action once again to complain about this.

Buckles has said that the firm will not be waving its 57 million pound management fee despite its total failure to do what it was supposed to do. And I guess that is because, John, you cannot spell mismanagement without management. It's true. And you also can't spell go f*** yourselves without the letters F E and E from the word F.

So you can see what they are. Clinging onto it, John. And the MPs tore into buckles like Henry VIII into the latest edition of single European Princesses magazine. And as they all say and goes, John, you can't spell held someone to account without using all the letters from he's a in the right order as well. So you can read into that one if you want,

but you're glistens. There is a there's actually some controversy here in America over the Olympic uniforms that have been made for their athletes. The outfit which cost close to $2,000 each, were designed by Ralph Lauren, and managed to make some of the fittest, most athletic people in the world look relatively silly, like a bunch of country club douchebags or private jet flight attendants.

But that's not the point. The real controversy here is not how silly they may or may not look, it's the fact that apparently, the outfits have been made in China. And this fact has prompted by partisan outrage here, but perhaps the most angry marks came from the normally mild manner to the point of medically combatoes Harry Reid, the senior democratic senator from Nevada. He said, I'm so upset.

I think the Olympic committee should be ashamed of themselves. Okay, strong words from Harry Reid there, but you know, I can see why he's not happy about this. Nothing outrageous yet. But then he went on to say, I think they should take all the uniforms, put them in a big pile and burn them, and start all over again. Well, that seems physically sound.

A pile of outfits to dress the entire US Olympic team at $2,000 a pop, doasted in Kerosene with Harry Reid smoking a cigar before flicking it over his shoulder onto the pile and saying, I love the smell of polyester in the morning. He then went even further into the center of Christy town and said, I hope they were nothing but a singlet that says USA on it painted by hand. What? Hand painted outfits. Do you know what? I think I'm behind him again, Andy. I think every Olympic athlete should have to make their own outfit from

vests, paint and ribbons. There was outrage everywhere here over these outfits and Fox News got their nickers in an intense twist over the fact that their headgear design by Ralph Lauren was a berai and this got them so mad that they had a view of poll question during a Fox and Friends that read, should the American team be wearing a berai question mark? Why not a baseball cap question mark? And the host of Fox and Friends, which is a kind of non-entertaining human circus, went on a verbal rampage, suggesting that the wearing of Berraise is completely unpatriotic and un-American, seemingly forgetting that most of the United States military wear

Berraise and the looks on their faces when someone in the control room suddenly pointed that out to them in their earpieces was a thing of complete beauty. In other Olympic news there was an early snafu regarding transporting Olympic athletes around when the first foreign athletes to turn up were taken on a ludicrous four hour bus trip from Heathrow Airport to the Olympic Village, also in London, a trip that should take less than one hour. Competitors from Australia and the US were stuck on these buses, despite supposedly being able to use the new Olympics lane on the M4, and American Karen Clements, a world 400-meter hurdles champion, apparently tweeted, we've been lost on the road for four hours, not a good first impression London,

Athletes are sleepy, hungry and need to pee. Could we get to the Olympic Village, please? Well no, Karen, you'll get there when we f**king decide you can get there. This is the point, Andy. This is how it starts. We are hosting the Olympics. There has to be an advantage to being on home soil. And that advantage is that you get to f***** with people. The Olympics might start next week, but the mental Olympics have already begun. Winning a gold medal is 97% mental, Andy. And they had better pray that that completely unnecessary 4-hour bus trip is the worst thing that happens to them.

Because we have got a lot of other stuff planned for them this week. There's going to be drilling outside their bedroom windows. There's going to be drilling outside their bedroom windows. There's going to be live deer released into their rooms in the middle of the night and there's going to be poison in their food. Yeah. Also, Johnny, the Olympics is about embracing the culture of the host nation and part of British culture is getting lost and getting stuck in traffic and then just be queuing up for stuff.

They shouldn't be, they should be enjoying it, John. It's all part of the experience, like, you know, when the competitors in Beijing, it was all part of the experience to completely ignore human rights for a couple of weeks. You have to give yourself to the experience, John. The A couple of quick Olympic minor injuries updates now,

to make and sprint sensation, Yo Han Blake will be fit to challenge Usain Bolt for his 100 and 200 metre titles, despite a mild, writhing industry to the abdomen sustained during a team bonding game of charades, in which he furiously chose to mime snakes on a plane. American Water Polo star Tony Azavado is fit despite suffering a perforated eyelash trying to find out whether the world would look more melancholic if he used a blue harmonica as a pair of binoculars. And rowing legend Susteev Redgrave, undisputed Nubu Kinesarov sitting in a boat and waggling his arms backwards and forwards, could be ruled out of his rumoured role, lighting the Olympic

flame at the opening ceremony, after accidentally squing May and Aiden to his eye from a plastic bottle whilst trying to explain how rockets work to his former boatmate Matthew Pincent. We'll keep you fully up to date with all the latest injury news throughout the games on the Bugle. Now for the latest, possibly even the first, in a bugle series of classic Olympic commentary moments from the archives and this goes back to Paris, 1924, and the men's javelin final, back of course in the days when the javelin was a head-to-head knockout contest with one athlete at either end of the arena, as God intended, hurling spears straight at each other's faces.

Thank you David, and you joined me in my colleague Albert Porton Hinsklev here at the start Olimpick to Colombs. Just in time the final of the men's javelin and British interest of course in the form of young Ernest Wodleyhorn. Well yes, here is it will be tough for young Wodleyhorn, he'll be throwing against the wind and that could be crucial. And the man he'll be trying to skewer is the highly rated Spaniard and Millia Muthyabweiner who of course killed the Raining Olympic Champion Pollock's Travean of the United States of America in the semi-final. Yes, it was quite brilliant throw that and an extremely clean kill.

Well, that's what we've come to expect from Muthyabweiner and the flag is down. They're off. Wotley Horns skeing around at the far end, trying to take cover between, behind the Italian shortboard drive, I believe I'm writing saying Muttia Buena, trying not to cokes him out into the open, to take a clean shot at him.

Yes, I tell you, Harry, it looks like young Wotly horned shoulder hasn't completely healed up from being harpooned by a bagger flew in France in the first round on Tuesday. No, indeed, it hasn't, but he's winding up now the 23-year-old from the Nantwist Tracist Athletics Club and the Spaniard is now running on the left to right,

taking off to try to open things up. He's running all here, want to hold flows? Oh, that was so close, so close. Very close, very close indeed. I think he might even have snicked the Spaniard here, but the context goes on, and then what you're going to help, one high and wide, and then to the crowd again, for their lights up their outfit.

Oh yes, Harris, not quite fast enough. I think there may well be another spare seat for the 400 meters final later. Good, isn't it? Bit of fun. Yes, sizing each other up now and they both thrown and good as they both been hit. They've played so fair. About two men down, much ofip Brenner with a lovely shot straight into the British man's torso, but Wotley Horn got his one away just in time too, and it looks like Munchip Brenner was taking that

full and the abdomen just wonderful stuff and these two highly skilled warriors. Well, Albert, this could now all come down to who bleeds out first. We're quite happy, isn't it? I wouldn't like to have to judge this one. Well, the medics are gathering now, both men prostate and whimpering on the Parisian turf,

and what a contest is crowd of seen today. I think Mucha Buena just called for his mother. This could be turning in Wadley Hall's favor. Yes, and two Dalbert and the other Spanish top doctor is shaking his head. Let's go! I think I can take Wadley his pulse, yes, he's being the God-dead! Goal for Britain! And the almost motion is one-the-one takes.

Goal for this nation just as he passes away, not very peacefully with a final triumph and shake of the fish. And why, for this young man to leave this mortal coil on Olympic champion. God rest his gold medal winning soul and after that I tell you I cannot wait for the shot put. Yes, but of course of the imminent change in the role this will be the last ever Olympic shot put competition which the competitors are allowed to launch their shot puts from the traditional naval cannons.

Well that is a damn shame. And as the poor bear is prepared to dunk Wotley Horn's body onto the podium for the metal ceremony it's back to David Coleman in the studio. Goals for Britain! Your emails now and we've overrun again and John's going to do some interviews because he's in the showbiz, so no emails from me this week. Sorry. No emails. No emails.

No emails. We beg your eternal forgiveness. But do you? My interview's a fact that my comedy central standup show, which you are a part of. Oh yeah. And it starts tonight on Comedy Central and for the next six Fridays at 11 p.m. in America. but you probably can't watch it if you don't live in America, or even if you do live in America and have direct TV.

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Next week we'll be back with a full bugle next week, then daily Olympic bugle bulletins throughout the games. The show is event of the year. Until then, goodbye and may the sport have mercy on your soul. May the sport be with you. Bye! you