The Bugle - Bugle 213 – Free At Last!

Episode Date: November 9, 2012

Massive coffee news, T shirt cannons, and some election news. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, Bueglers and welcome to issue 213 of the Buegl Audio Newspaper for a Visual World.

For the week beginning Monday, 12 November 2012 with me and his ultimate in the multi-githedral City of London, and joining me thanks to the technology that has put carrier pigeons out of business. From the land that was this week freed from the yoke of democracy for at least the next two and a half years, until the whole Rigmarole chunders back into life for the controversial 2016 Schwarzenegger vs. Long-San Strong election, it's the Virgil of Votanalysts, the Sophocles of Syphology, the Plato of President Picking, the Euripides of Yul'd never believe how much of that cost, and the Homer of how much,

and the Thucydides of thank f*** for that, it's John, the human ballot paper Oliver. Hello, Andy. Hello, B. Eugles. You're right. And I never considered the, you know, the early podcast were probably carried by pigeons. Yep. And there would have been some pretty suicidal pigeons

carrying fourth-hull bullshit puns across the Atlantic. Constantly tempted just to dive down into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and let the cold, unforgiving water take them. I mean, I'm indeed here in New York. That's a impressive start to the podcast show. I'm indeed here in New York. Just hope you don't have to take for that at some point

during this show. Well, in New York, now sooner or later we started to recover from the hurricane, Andy, that a massive winter storm blew in, meaning that most people had to walk home from work on Wednesday through a fucking blizzard, an early November blizzard. It was the day after the election, Andy, there should have been rainbows, not fucking ice storms. There is some grade A weather bullshit going on in this city and B. This is either God's fault or our God's fault or humanity's fault or the planet's fault. Either way, what are those f**kers owes this city an apology?

This is the bugle of the weebinding Monday the 12th of November 2012, meaning it is 120 years since William Pudge Heffelfinger became the first ever professional American football player in 1892, setting in train a tradition of pro footballers having frankly ridiculous names, a trailblazer. And 85 years since Trotsky was giving his marching orders out of the Communist Party in Russian, spent the rest of his life trying not to be assassinated and it worked, but unfortunately he was eventually killed on a thirsty KGB operative mistook him for a block of ice. Top story this week and obviously in this week of all weeks there is only one place to start with the news that gets everyone around the world awake through the night, a historic

moment in social history. Good news for some people viewed as a disaster by others. And that news, of course, was the news that coffee is extinct. Or what? Or could be extinct in 70 years' time. That's a rabbit, a coffee, wild rabbit, a coffee. But boffins in laboratories have claimed the entire genetics of sustainability of coffee as a species is under threat John and that coffee could be dead by this time next century.

That's all coffee John. So here's the thing Andy, now, especially now with the level of tiredness I feel at the moment, the very notion of the possibility of coffee going extinct is so alarming that I cannot even joke about it. It's just not seem like a subject for comedy and eat. And that's really my second complaint. The first complaint is that that cannot be a top story, Andy,

because what the fuck are you talking about, Andy? Top story this week, the election is over. It is over, Andy, and Barack Obama was re-elected president, but more importantly, the election is over. It's over! Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty! We are free of this bullshit at last! Well Andy, despite Florida's best efforts in finally finishing counting their votes two days after they were supposed to, this election is now fully over.

A winner has been declared in every state and President Obama has been re-elected as America's new old president. And that whooshing sound was the bullets that almost every country in the world dodged with a Romney presidency, unless you live in Pakistan in which case that whooshing sound wasn't a bomber drone strike was in past your house. Either way, we all got lucky. Now, the truth is, Andy, that this election ended like any other American election ends with just under 50% of the electorate,

absolutely devastating. Because that's the way it goes here in this country. Under a two-party system, America has become as divided as one of King Solomon's babies, unhealthily, straight down the middle. There is no doubt that, like Florida, this is not a good state for American democracy to be in,

because not to labor a point, I'm not sure what the f*** Florida thought they were doing, because this is all over, no thanks to them. The result was announced before midnight on Tuesday, which was surprisingly quickly, and certainly a lot earlier than most Americans had braced themselves for, because when you have a presidential election, Andy that involves the state of Florida, which unfortunately is most of them, you have to prepare yourself for the worst. I wasn't just ready for long night. I was ready for long few weeks. I'd stocked up on canned goods and candles in the office just

in case Broward County decided they wanted to start f***ing with the rest of the country again. Well, this in the, well clearly American people are split, but the American media also seems split. Honestly, say whether America had in fact dodged to pull it, or whether it had deliberately stood in the way of a bullet and the head headbutted it while shouting bang and you know it's very hard he had to be to only to say who this is good news and bad news for i guess in a barma victory is very good news as you suggested for

the pakistan rooping industry yeah also good news for mit romney because being president is frankly a really shit job i would would not wish it. Yes it is. On my worst enemy which explains why I've never voted for either Assamma bin Laden, never really got on with him, the former al-Qaeda frontman and professional scripture misinterpreted and I've also never voted for Sam Taylor, the former comedy critic from the observer news paper.

Grindingly mediocre. It was only on for 20 minutes. You can't grind in 20 minutes. The point is, Andy. Grindingly mediocre. It was only on for 20 minutes. You can't grind in 20 minutes. LAUGHTER The point is, Andy, this election has left me an empty husk. This election season and this election week took what was left of both my energy and my will to live.

And if the result had gone a different way, it might have taken the rest of my faith in human nature as well. And so, once more, President Obama walked out onto a stage in Grant Park in front of an adoring crowd who gave him a messianic response despite having four years of pretty hard concrete evidence that this was far from a perfect president, let alone the messiah.

And he went on to give the kind of fantastic speech that just made you wish that he could govern as well as he talks about governing. Because when you listen to him deliver the kind of speech that brings a lump to your throat, you find yourself thinking, why can't someone like him ever be president for reminding yourself, oh shit, he is president and he has been for the last four years. Except that guy on the stage giving the speech Andy has not been president. It's been just a very tired man who looks a lot like him and has been trying to negotiate

the bullshit minefield of DC politics. I don't know if you can tell from the tone of my voice Andy, or read between the lines, but I'm so, so glad that this election is over. This has been an incredibly expensive, incredibly cynical and incredibly depressing election. Having said that, watching Herman Cain run for president was like watching the most entertaining car crash that I have ever seen. Oh, Nick could have gone on longer. 2016.

Cain for 2016, he has the official bugle endorsements. Don't rule it out, Andy. He is as interested and as qualified then as he is now. LAUGHTER Also, let's we forget this election has actually made US history, Andy, because it has never, ever before

cost so much money to not become presidents. LAUGHTER That is something. It's so, what, what, is he spending? It was almost, I was almost $2 billion, was it? Or I've seen various figures banded around between two and six billion dollars on the overall cost of the campaign. I mean, that's pocket money for Romney, but it does seem like they could possibly have spent it on better things, maybe just a giant 50 meter high statue of Herman Cain

dressed as Abraham Lincoln, perhaps. Well, I think it's a fair point, Andy. You know, if it was, each side spent over a billion dollars in the course of this campaign. In Americans might well find themselves asking, well, what could that two billion dollars have been better spent on? I actually think I have a couple of key suggestions. One, they could have just set fire to it.

I think that literally might have been a better use. For a start, you don't get any of the poisonous campaign media that the money was used to buy. So you're already up on the deal by getting nothing. Plus, you know, burning two billion might actually in a small way help reduce inflation slightly. Or two, they could have just simply put the money in a glass box so that the American people could look at it and appreciate what both campaigns had not spent the money on. Thus,

putting the approval rate of most American politicians in general up around 10,000%. Abombring his victory speech said some very interesting things. He said, we are an American family and we rise or fall together as one nation and as one people. How's he not been watching the news for the last 150 years? We know in our hearts that for the USA the best is yet to come. What better than the moon landings? Better than muddy waters? Better than teen wolf?

Strap in world, this is gonna be awesome! And he said, I know, and this is possibly the most outlandish thing, Barack Obama has ever said, I know that political campaigns can sometimes seem small, even silly. Not your campaigns, Obama! In fact, not anything to do with American politics. They seem not small and silly, but big and f***ing ludicrous. It's quite hard to spend

two billion dollars and for it to be small and silly unless you're buying one of David and Hurst's artworks. But other than that, it's pretty much out of the game. He added that democracy in a nation of 300 million people can be noisy and messy and complicated. And that is correct, particularly if the entire system is geared towards it being noisy and messy and complicated. Other noisy, messy and complicated things include war, American football, childbirth, life, cooking a dog souffle, and running a breeding program on a zoo for polar bears with anger management issues. I see American politics very much closest to the last in that list. He

also said, we want our children to live in an America that isn't burdened by debt, that isn't weakened by inequality, that isn't threatened by the destructive power of a warbing planet. Before pausing with the look at his eye saying, we want them to live in that America, but let's be f***ing realistic. They are not going to live in that America. So, what are the challenges ahead for a new represident Obama? Well, the most imminent issue is probably the fact that America is facing a fiscal cliff followed by a potential budgetary base jump at the end of his year, As if Congress does not compromise on tax and spending rates, which it has shown no evidence of having either the will or the ability to do, then America's economy is essentially going to explode.

So, you know, he's got that to look forward to over the next seven weeks. And in the meantime, and I do not blame him for this, Andy, he is getting the f*** out of here. Going on a three-leg diplomatic tour, making stops in Thailand, Cambodia and Burma. We're in a major moment. He'll become the first ever US President to make a visit. And we'll meet both President Saen

and also opposition leader, Ang San Su-Shi, two people who, to put it mildly, hold differing views on life, as well as differing views on the best place for Al-Sansou Shih to live. His trip is all gonna be built around attending the summit of the Association of Southeast Asian Nations in Cambodia, where leaders from China, Japan, and Russia

will also be attending. So that won't be too tense for me, they're handing off Russia, asking about Syria, and also China, asking where their f***ing money is. So, what I'm saying is, it doesn't seem like Obama has a whole lot to look forward to over the next week, month or four years. You say he's facing a looming fiscal cliff, and specifically the task of trying to work out a way of avoiding that fiscal cliff. So if you can work with the Republican controlled house before they blast off that fiscal cliff like a grumpy thelma and a resentful Louise

growling at each other and holding each other's foot on the accelerator pedal. Also can he break the logistical gridlock of the Senate and House working together as harmoniously as a seagull and the engine of a lighter craft? Gridlock, in which they've been crawling along as if they're in the latest sequel to the film Speed in which they were in the bus of progress

And if they allow to go above one mile an hour a bomb will go off Starting to be on the reels as a 90 year old man with a lung condition who's scared of the noise of engines And also he's got that that challenge John as you suggested of how to live up to those inflated expectations of 2008 expectations that have been dampened by an ending parabola of piss from the penis of political practicality in the words of Oscar the Grouch from an episode of Sesame Street brought to us by the letter P. Well played, Andy. Thanks.

Well played. But it's a tough job, John. Good sentence and the good explanation for that sentence. Thanks. it's a tough job, John. Good sentence and a good explanation for that sentence. Thanks. It's a tough job, running America, John, as you know, I think, lived there now for, well, two thirds of a decade is a nation that is glorious, ludicrous, magnificent,

grubby, innovative, reactionary, funny, extremely unfunny, athletic, fat, tolerant, paranoid, united, obviously not united, progressive, stuck, a land of opportunity, a land in which the wealthy holds sway to an almost ancient Roman extent, and above all a nation in chantingly obsessed with sporting statistics. That is a tough job for anyone, John. And the whole of the... And also the cowardly. And the downright lazy. The point is, as for Romney, Andy, we're now for him.

Well, I guess the main thing is that no one needs to worry about it. He has a personal fortune of several hundred million dollars, so he's going to be just fine. He doesn't just have money under his mattress, Andy. He has entire mattresses of money. And if you turn your consolation, he still looks like a president, and also he can probably pay people

to pretend he's president around him for a while, which might take the edge of the initial disappointment. And how will history remember this campaign, Andy? I think that's a key question. I think history may, like with any traumatic memory, try and bury and suppress it, and may only be able to retrieve it with quite intense therapy. The only way it may just come out is that, you know,

human sense of smell can accidentally trigger even deeply held memory. So in the future, Americans may find themselves suddenly remembering the Romney campaign, whenever they walk past a sewage plant, or past a slaughterhouse after a three day power cut? I guess, you know, in any situation like this, the obvious next step for him is to go into some kind of,

kind of reality TV show. Of course, the Kardashians went into it after their failed attempt to gain the Republican nomination in 1996. History could have been very different, John. I think keeping up with the dolls would have been a much more entertaining program. I think most likely for Romney, though, is that he will just buy a secret island and install

a nuclear warhead on it. I think that's really what this was all about. It is a thing, though Andy Romney is a businessman. That's a fact that he's been ramming down America's throat for nearly a decade of presidential campaigns now. And I think he should be held accountable for what he's done, just like all companies, held responsible when they spill a bunch of toxic liquid into protected wetland. He has pumped out some of the most noxious, disingenuous, and outright untrue statements imaginable over the course of this campaign. And it should

frankly be his responsibility to clean that shit up. And this absolutely goes both ways. The President and his campaign have some cleaning up to do as well through all kinds of poisonously negative advertising, as well as using infantile wordplay like Ron Neesha for no clear human reason. Even though relatively speaking, relatively speaking, the president's responsibility isn't really near the oil slick of bullshit that Romney pointed out. This campaign from both parties, Andy, has caused a huge amount of emotional pollution. And I actually think this should be the only responsible end to any election now. Both candidates, after the results are announced, should spend the following week in hazmat

suits, touring the country, taking down campaign signs, peeling stickers off cars and babies, and apologising for everything they just said. There were around 1 million campaign ads on TV in America during the campaign, Andy. 1 million! You can't scrub the memories of those ads clean, like you scrub an oily sea girl's wing with a toothbrush.

But as into their opponents, after the elections, you stand in front of a landfill site as it is filled with their detritus of mugs, t-shirts, badges, bumper stickers and attack ad scripts, and in an officially televised apologising ceremony, they should publicly apologise to both the flag and a blow-up Benjamin Franklin. LAUGHTER

Well, I think... Oh, one, one, one interpretation, John, you could say Romney's campaign was possibly the greatest and most successful in electoral history. Bearing in mind, he himself said that 47% of Americans would never even consider voting for him. And he still got around about, was about 48%. He got 90% of the available vote job. That man is an electoral genius.

Yeah. Unfortunately, with the amazing way that American democracy is set up, Andy, that's not nearly enough. I mean, it's nearly enough, but it's not nearly enough. And that might make no mathematical sense, but the electoral college system would disagree with you there. The, this election did teach us a few things about the USA in 2012.

For a start, we learned that one of the only things it manufactures successful at anymore is elections and election-related paraphernalia. Because present elections are never just about electing a president, Andy. That's what you never really get to hear about abroad. Once they've got you in the booth,

there is a lot of other stuff that they want you to vote on too. If you live in some states, the ballot papers can run for pages and pages in California, for instance, you'd better put half a day aside to vote because their elections are a five-hour tasting menu of democracy. Their ballots alone can look like the menu at a Greek diner.

They should come, let the bound with laminated pages. So the California voters can say, oh, okay, so much choice. So I think I'd like a farmer for president. I'll also take gun control, gay marriage and can I also get the bluefish omelet with a side of sweet potato fries. Some major legislation was passed on Tuesday through these extra ballot referendums, uh, main Washington State and Maryland, uh, whose state motto is, I believe, oh my coming, yo. One for you, wire fans. All, all, uh, all those states legalised gay marriage and did it by popular vote, not by lawmakers, but by popular vote, which was a very quick and very immediate

way to actually make you feel slightly better about your fellow human beings. And how could this news get any better for some of the residents of Washington State? Well, there, they didn't just legalize gay marriage, they also legalize marijuana, Andy, making weddings there about 1,000% more fun. Even the Neanderthal citizens, the most Neanderthal citizens of Wojtner State have got to see a positive in that.

Oh, thanks for the invitation. What's this? We all are going to go to high and then two women are going to make out with each other. Put me down for will be attending. Strong accent worked on. I don't know what that was. It was a little Barney Rublish. It definitely wasn't a UNE Washington state. It had a whiff of Jersey about it, with a guess with a kind of whiff of gold rush. But it's an interesting moment for the Republicans, Jones.

You say there's a lot of votes that really suggested that they are barking very much, not only in the West, but in the West. And I think that's a lot of votes that really suggested that they are barking very much, not only up the wrong tree with conservative views, but a series of wrong cats as well. And also a tree that died 20 years ago. Because it's America changing, John. I know a lot of Americans still believe that stopping gay is being happy, stopping women choosing how to live their lives and encouraging

people to suit each other, could create around 150 million jobs and make the economy flawless. But perhaps they no longer hold the balance of electoral power. This could be a seismic shift in American politics. There were a few electoral disappointments as well. CNN were strangely restrained in their coverage Andy, after they bust out their inexplicable hologram of will I am last time. I was fully expecting them to present the electoral result in 3D, because that seemed like the only logical next step for their technological pointlessness, but they didn't do it, and

it was bizarrely restrained. Well, it was an interesting chart in the press reaction, ranging from the predictable thank for that, to the even more predictable, oh, f***, not a f***ing game, depending on where on the political spectrum they were. ESPN, their headline was Romney and Ryan, claims silver medal in men's pairs, electioneering. The daily nut job went with caliphate,

consolidates power in Washington, Istanbul, Fox News, met with Texas farmer bitten by squirrel, and they were already confronting the reality of the situation, whilst the southern squirrel newspaper led with the lead headline, Squirrel gets food poisoning. Some of the talk in the aftermath of this election was already about what this meant for the election in 2016, which is absolutely incredible. On election night, Andy, they were talking about this before Florida had even declared a winner. They were talking about 2016, which

was pretty conclusive proof that America has developed a fairly self-destructive addiction to its own profoundly flawed political process. At the name's been bandied about for 2016 or already Jeb Bush, Hillary Clinton, you might recognise both of those surnames Andrew Cuomo, Chris Christie and who knows Andy, maybe Mitt Romney again. Oh yeah! Third time to Charm Andy and he could run under the slogan, I'm going to keep doing this until you elect me.

You have the power to make this stop. You know I have the resources to keep throwing money at this. So give me what I incorrectly assume that I deserve. Romney 2016, then 2020, then 2024. Whatever it takes you, f***ing ourselves, give it to me. Also rumors that Axel Rose could be running and also the ghost of FDR could be conducting the first ever Weager Presidency. Wow, that would be a... Wow, you could be tough to beat.

You could be very tough to, you had a very, very strong record in staying in power, didn't you? I only... I stopped the question. The grim reaper finally tipped him out. And a 1 to 0 count. A million adverts. Yep. Yes. Okay. I think some of them must have run concurrently.

They can't have been consecutively. Okay. I'm no mathematician, but according to my calculator on my iPhone, that's three, assuming they're 30 seconds long, that's 347.2 days. Yes. Like nearly a year. Yeah, well, it's even worse than that, because bear in mind that most of those adverts are

going into a handful of states. So to imagine what it is like living in Ohio and Florida at the best of times, let alone during the election season is a little tough to take. I must lead a spiritual fumigation like Magasaki in 1945. So is this ticking time bomb of the electorate simply because so many people of a certain demographic are now killing themselves?

Well, I think people just, it just doesn't feel good. No, you keep getting told this is the best thing, democracy is such a wonderful feeling. And you just end up feeling nauseous at the end of one of the shallow, pathetic campaigns. You're sounding like Armadina, Johnnie, I had a pop at American democracy this week.

You might be on the same team. I think most Americans are having a pop at American democracy. It fundamentally should not work like this. It's too expensive. You've never. I'm not showing the history of finance and currency. People have ever got less for their money than this. Well, from this, I'm not an outsider, John, but watching the election and the map of how the states voted, it seems that the northern states and the southern states do vote very differently. And just made me think,

why don't they just become separate countries? You know, I mean, is this idea ever been floated at all? Well, it has been floated Andy until, you know, if you take this argument, one of the worst presidents in American history decided to try and keep the country as one. Right. F*** you Lincoln! It's about time someone said that.

For those of you wondering how a Romney president might have panned out, we were given a tantalising little taster of it when his victory website was accidentally made live on the internet. The website that would have come up. Yeah, yeah, but I've come up had had Romney won. It just came up with fairish things including U47%ers, suck it, look at it, measure it and then suck. But it's a, it was over by the rather moving, moving little relic of a shattered dream, including the words smaller, simpler, smarter, believe in America. It's got a classic political words that mean absolutely nothing. Obama littered his victory speech with as well. Smaller, simpler, smarter. That sounds more like a chart of how to improve American children. The 21st century can and must be

an American century, so this website, I don't know what, is an American century just 25% longer or is it just much more expensive? And he also said the torch America carries is one of decency and hope. Without adding and overwhelming military firepower and economic imperialism and prolonged dietary suicide and high-class DVD box sets and CIA plots who overthrown democratically elected leaders in the middle of that's a button on that torch that hasn't been used for a while, but it's still there if we need it.

And of drone attacks, that torch has drone attacks, albeit drone attacks carried out with decency and hope, if not always with accuracy, but it does hurt less if you're bombed hopefully. And decently. In fact, we bridged on, we were absolute masters at slaughtering indigenous populations with decency and good manners. I'm terribly sorry to inconvenience you, and I hate to intrude, but I'm going to have to kill you, then enslave your people and steal your natural resources. I just thought it would be

good for a good man as to be open about that from the start and let you know it won't hurt much. I have an extremely expensive gun with very nicely polished bullets and we'll pop your kids on a rubber plantation so they'll be fine and what's left of your tiger will pop on the back of the sofa at home and your granny's going in a museum. Cheerio big smile big smile, bigger smile, and bang. It also featured this website's pictures of Paul Ryan Benching 340, well actually who just Benching Chris Christie. Also a video tour of the...

Come on! Take that, Christie! A video tour of the 16th century Spanish gallion that Romney keeps on his own private reservoir, soaked with a hundred captive children, footage of Romney in a wizard's hat turning toads into $20 bills and cackling to himself, and a controversial recipe for how to cook an orphan. Also accidentally leaked was a video of Barack Obama practicing his loser speech, in which you would have said, uh, uh, bollocks.

Can I do that again, please? not the speech for the last four years? And will people please stop trying to stop me doing everything I'm trying to do and kind of keep my drones, I love my drones. Ha ha ha. The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The And Andy, last week you mentioned the spectacular invention of Big Beller, the 600-pound monster of a T-shirt cannon Unveiled by the basketball team, Philadelphia 76ers that can fire 100 T-shirts in just 60 seconds.

I made a glib comment during that brief discussion, Andy, joking that it might start an arms race. Well, less than a week later, that has actually happened. Well, less than a week later, that has actually happened. Step forward, the Fun Fun Fun Fest in Austin, Texas, and take a bow as a t-shirt fires over your head, because they just came up with a rival invention, Andy, the world's first taco cano. Now, let me give you some details from an article about it. I quote, based on the same technology

that propels t-shirts, Fun Fun Fun's Tortilla weapon is a 12-ch... LAUGHTER ..is a 12-chamber. That's a nut-see- Those are two words. They do not appear next to each other often enough. That's so good. Tortilla weapon.

Well, unless it's got digestive tortilla weapon in front of it. Fun Fun Fun's Tortilla weapon is a 12-chamber, CO2 canister-powered,ling style ordinance that will be on the festival's Various stages at least twice a day shooting off on assortment of tacos just like in a war movie one guy fires the cannon with two more Taco soldiers on hand for reloading the arms race is on and the and the adventures of this taco cannon are not fucking messing around I'll tell you more thought Went into the design of this than you'd expect by which I mean some thought went into the design apparently Each chamber of the cannon is big enough for two tacos and then they're then wrapped together in sturdy paper

Tied with rubber bands and then wrapped up again in a bandana or a T-shirt. Exactly Andy, it's a T-shirt cannon too and a taco cannon as well. Your move, Big Bellar, your move. The inventor said, and this is a spectacular quote, Andy. The idea is to keep the taco tight, but also treat it like a lady. Treat it like a lady. What ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Well, they've already thought of that, aren't they? Because again, the event has said, and I quote, the taco has a greater carrying capacity than a hot dog. The cylindrical shape of the tortilla

provides a stabilized cartridge for a more advanced trajectory. The caliber of a taco is simply superior. In that case, I stand down with my hot dog suggestion, and clearly, they've already put in a lot more thought into this than I have by which again I mean any thought and we just know that the Chinese are developing duck pancakes that can fly 500 miles an hour and feed an entire crowd of 80,000 and in case you're worried about people getting a hit By a flying taco projectile. Don't be worried Andy. Just if thought of that too

Taco projectile don't be worried Andy, just if thought of that too. Saying, and here's the final quote, we've actually had a couple of people hit in the head, and we know there's been no pain involved. The victims were more like, oh man, I got hit in the head by a taco. It was great. Andy, I know this is a gruesome 18 months in America, enduring a campaign of this cynicism

and this complete waste of money in a time when resources are badly needed elsewhere. But it's things like a taco cannon that make you believe that this truly is the greatest country in the history of the world. And if this President Obama was the President that we and he want him to be, he would have ended that speech in Grant Park by wheeling out his taco cannon and just firing them into the crowd. And also for all you pacifists out there, you tree hugging pacifists. This is trickle-down technology, John. Yes, it has been for the billionth of dollars that have been invested in military hardware, this kind of technology would not be available to us.

Give it another couple of years, there will be a nacho nuke being debted. Hahaha. It is stadium. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B You will feature section now and as I said before, coffee is nearly extinct. Wow, I'm not going to let this be brushed under the carpet, John. You might think this election was important, but what's changed? Realistically, absolutely nothing has changed. The world is the same as it was one week ago, same president, the same balance of power

in American politics, but coffee could be extinct. From the stuff that grows freeze-dried in jars to the weird stuff that's been eaten and crapped out by monkeys, what's that called again? That kind of coffee. The cappuccino. Just the cappuccino monkeys that make it, or is it the cappuccino monks? Not quite sure, but that would explain what's so frothy. There's a weird Christian cult,

capitude monks that believe in trampolining on a full stomach. Anyway, but this is all due to rising temperatist, due to climate change, John. Thanks once again to those scientists for discovering that. Could mean that while their abacacoffee is extinct in 70 years, as I said earlier on, now I'm going to be 108 in 70 years' time. It is going to be difficult enough for me

to wake up in the morning in my long forgotten grave as it is. And without coffee, I'm gonna be staying very dead indeed. You cannot understate the importance of this. The people who depend on coffee in this world range from the president of America, whoever he or she may be by then, but let's be honest, it will probably still be he.

Anyone with a job, anyone with children, anyone with a need to get out of bed before 4pm. These social groups by 2082 will encompass more than 17% of the world's population. Arguery, having no coffee is more serious for the world than having no oil, no food, or no water. There will be coffee wars, John. Our economy in Britain, and it's presumably the same in America, is now roughly 92% dependent on people buying coffee in coffee shops, or at least in Britain buying overpriced buckets of warm brown milk in coffee shops.

And it is a verifiable fact, proved by years of extensive scientific research that humans as a species cannot function without the bean. Or being that is years of extensive research carried out by one scientist. One unqualified amateur scientist, me, but the point stands, John, at this wide dinosaurs died out, not a single fossilised espresso machine has ever been found dating back to 100 million years. And it is all caused by rising world temperatures, those smug, self-centered hypochettes who want to ruin our lives and economic traditions, which could result in a destruction of a massive proportion of the

areas of the world that are suitable for growing Arabica beans. Somewhere the research suggests between 99.7% and 38%. Now that is quite a wide range, but that's quite a wide range. Well, that's somewhere between all and a bit in layman terms. But these are dark days, beugles. Dark, rich, smooth, aromatic days. And we need to wake up and smell the coffee. Before it is no longer possible to wake up and smell the coffee. The two being mutually exclusive.

Stay strong, beugles. Stay strong, bugleless. Stay strong. Your emails now and just time for a quick email here and this one is from Chiaki, saying hello Andy, John, Chris and Paul. I'm a Japanese bugler. Today I chose to subscribe to the bugle, paying $10 a week because yen is stronger than dollar for now. As English is my second language, I'm afraid that I can't fully understand what you're talking about. That really might be a boon. I can't fully understand what you're talking about,

especially Andy's puns, obviously. Yes, exactly. Honestly, the highest form of English, still, it's not so much understanding Andy's puns, it is understanding why they are happening. He says, nevertheless, I enjoy your show every Saturday morning. Hope you continue the show until the next Olympics in London. That is a beautiful way to sign off on Hint by a landing.

Best wishes, Chiaki Kuraashi. Well, so thank you very much, Chiaki. Ha ha ha ha ha. I don't forget you can join Chiaki by subscribing to your volunteer subscription to the Bugle app to our website, thebuglepodcast.com. Don't forget also to look at our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. And to keep the re-mars coming on to info at thebuglepodcast.com. So just time for quick bugle forecasts, John, how do you think Obama's second term is going to pan out?

Well, I mean, that is a very, very broad question. And he know I think he'll, uh, he'll get healthcare finished, which will be a fantastic thing. Everything else is up for grabs. Right. And part of it off for the grabs, I mean, out of his reach, probably. It's a Republican controlled house. It's at least, Johnny's bought himself time, and that is a crucial commodity in politics.

That's not true, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I've just heard something in your voice, I don't like. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I heard that. You don't even need to start. I don't like where this is going at all. Just gotta trust me on this. Time is a crucial commodity. That's true, man.

I see now a man. Oh, no. I see now a man cannyddy everything I want, John. So now the president needs to take his time because if he panics and gets everything wrong, it'll be disastrous for the whole country. He's got to take his time. No matter how hostile the Republicans are again. No, this doesn't mean anything. This is going to

sound confusing. This means nothing. No matter how hostile the Republicans are again. And you can be sure they will be to drive an economy that's been in a bit of a pickle into new, happier times. Really go for it. And aim for greater things to bang that drum, thump that tub, push the envelope, set a bar much higher. So, there was nothing on. Oh, I think I'm... Oh, that was completely accurate. I think I just didn't access dental pun run of all the post-war presidents in chronological order, where all the post-war election winners in chronological order. I'm so sorry, that just happened. I have a condition.

to our election winners in chronological order. I'm so sorry that just happened. I have a condition. That is a stony silence. You sound like a John Oliver Rooza felt as well to live draining away. Who very much didn't enjoy that. Gave it a distinctly coolage reception. Chin up, I know it's hard, incredibly hard, but we'll sudden move on to another topic. And if you didn't like it, taftities, I don't care who's at fault for this, I don't care who's at fault, who's at fault for this awkwardness. It's making me rest of the show, very awkward indeed. We better move on. You've got to go now, haven't you, John, you've got to show in Cleveland tonight, haven't you? Better way, better way, you're best tweed suit. You've got to put your Harris on in Cleveland.

I thought you might, I thought you might like that one. Winning a second term though, that's Scarfield damn goods. Hey, it's the end now, John. So now you can link into the next bit if you want. Actually, we're out of time. So you can't do your Bon Jovi impression this week. You can another time. I think he's gone.

Oh, piss. I'm going to have to fill another time. I think he's gone. Oh piss. I'm gonna have to fill more time. Well, it was a Taylor Woe for Romney as the Polk Counts came in. Romney had a bad night-tile assume of enough to spending a year and a half Harrison people to vote for him. He's been doing something, John.

Van Buren-Simple, he got well beaten. Jeeer, ax enough to make a man give up and make a damn sure it doesn't happen again. Say something. Come on, Romney must say. There's nothing to say. Come on, psychos. Romney must understand why people didn't go through.

He had a crazy wife and an even madder son. Although we heard Tag had four brothers, and I think Romney would have lost whichever son started madding off about the president. A damn shame he must have thought, washing tonight unfold. I'll stop talking. Andy's ultimate father of two. I'll stop talking.

George's joke, making abilities match up for that. Oh, hang on. Oh, that was King George. Oh, we're back to Britain running the gap. Oh, that's what carry on, see where it ends up. I'll admit, I can't feel a bit of a fucking George earning these puns out. That's another King George.

Oh, but also with three King George's. Oh, I think the three King George, I think King George is the co-exist. Oh, there's another one. Phew, that's them done. We can never get back, but we can never get back. I'm too tired Andy.

I don't have the capacity to feel anymore. You're punching an empty vessel. That's right. We can never get America back as part of the UK. Can we? Nah, not quite now. That's too much of a stretch. Chris, you're vomiting.

When you've stopped chucking, will you make me a cup of tea? I want to talk about my old auntie Ethel now. Unless she got older, her heart problems got worse and sure enough, Julia Caesar almost killed her. But then she rallied a bit. And she'd had real problems with her joints and her blood disorder. Yes, her knee and her thalassemia were really playing up.

And then after that, we had to put her in her home or her rectus financially. It did. Completely ruined us. Very difficult times. And she'd been bed bound for so long, she just wanted to die, and her sores were terribly painful by then, it was horrible to see. She was very vulnerable to persuasive insurance salesman from small Mediterranean islands, you know.

For multi-cellular life insurance premiums. You can see why she fell for it. Multi-cellular life. Eventually passed away on her birthday with all those trombonists and trumpeters and drums and sex offenists there. She died when the big bang gave her the bumps. But your hands in the air and move away from the microphone. You've just...

If you've kept listening this long, that is on you. All American presidents in two minutes, John. I mean, that's technically as a high tariff maneuver. It might be a pointless high tariff maneuver, but it's a high tariff maneuver. I tell you what else is a high tariff maneuver and the genocide. Two-syn, John. Two soon John, two soon. Hahaha. Bye, Bueglis.

Oh, you've already gone. you