The Bugle - Bugle 214 – A Few Bad Men

Episode Date: November 16, 2012

CTFD and GTFU Buglers! News from scandals in the US and the UK as well as secession news from Austin Texas Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, Bugglers and welcome to issue 214 of the Bugle, the podcast that has now been running

longer than Jesus and the Disciples with the top selling 13 piece brass band in the Middle East region. There, a little bit of levity, such as help the area. I'm Andy Zoltzman and the slightly less hotly disputed territory of London, promised to Britain by God in the Bible. If you read it backwards in a Liverpool Paddy in accents, and in New York City, lent to the Americans by Britain in the Bible. The man who had undoubtedly been described by a Neville Chamberlain as

more trustworthy than Hitler, it's the Shirley Passy of Shovees. John Oliver. Hello, Andy. Hello, Bughlers. And yes, as we speak, Andy, it seems like the Middle East is about to come up with another reason why President Obama may start to regret winning the election last week, because following rockets launch from the Gaza Strip into Tel Aviv, it seems like the area is once more doing what they do best, Andy. Dancing into disaster, waltzing into war, congregating into chaos,

muggeraynering their way into mayhem. Well, they might like to do, Andy's just look down at their wrists, which hopefully should have some wristbands around them that are sent over recently with letters, CTFD on them, standing for calm the fuck down. And hopefully they'll pause for thought and heed those letters before doing anything stupid. I think actually the

viewers should form a charity and in airdrop wristbands on trouble spots around the world CTFD and GTFU bracelets calm the fuck down and grow the fuck up. There is almost no global flashpoint they're gonna be seriously helped with by those sentiments. Well we suggested in an Edinburgh show eight years ago, now, John. Exactly. They should just be an aeroplane flying around the Middle East with a giant banner, the whole time saying, grow up. And if only they'd put that into practice, now, John, it would be a much calmer place today. They could have at least tried. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week.

An everyday fitness section, how to get fitter and stay in shape just doing everyday activities. Number one, keep your tea, coffee, milk and sugar in separate rooms and we're possible on separate floors in your house. Necessary brisk shuttle runs whenever you want to hot drink benefits medium twitch scuttle muscles and your gluteates. Also when brushing your teeth, place your toothbrush facing downwards and advice then lie on the floor beneath it. Spread your toothbrush directly onto your teeth and raise your head upwards to the waiting brush

before wagging your head vigorously from side to side, like a Serbian wall or denying something in the egg. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I think that might be the single stupidest thing I've ever heard. This will benefit both your core abdominals and your jugular flexoids. And also when waiting for your change in a new supply shop, Stale as far back from the till as possible, so you have to wait for your change, stretching your arm out and standing on tiptoes. This will benefit your quadripleps, your inner pectavules and your dorsal rambulettes.

And we also advise that you combine this with swearobics as advised to you go 196. That section in the bit. Oh. Top story this week, a few bad men, resignation round up. And this week, a hot new trend burst onto the scene, Andy, resigning in disgrace. Anyone who was, anyone was doing it, both General Patreus and the Director General of the scene, Andy, resigning in disgrace. Anyone who was, anyone was doing it. It's both General Patreus and the director's general

of the BBC, step down with not just clouds, but huge raging typhoons over their heads. First, General David Patreus, the military hero, more heavily decorated than the six-year-olds birthday cake, resigned as head of the CIA, after it emerged that he'd had an affair with his biographer. And this was something of a shock here in the US, Andy, as not only is David Petrae as something of a national hero, but he's notoriously formal and disciplined.

The words David Petrae and sex scandal had until this week seemed to go together as naturally as the words Gandhi and St. Brawl. The affair was uncovered during an FBI investigation into threatening emails. What a TV show that would have been. Mahatma Gandhi, Street Brawl. Can he train up for a team of pacifists? Ross came home again.

Violent Udlands from the streets of India. You want some? You want some? The affair affairs uncovered during an FBI investigation into some threatening email sent by the Trosis' biographer, Slashmistress, to Jill Kelly, a so-called social liaison for the military. Seemingly, his mistress felt threatened by this other lady and his audience attended her rassing messages.

It's technically telling her to back off my man. Well, I say my man, I guess he's technically his wife's man, but and also that my man is technically the husband that I'm currently cheating on, but you get my point back, the f*** off, bitch. And if this is already starting to sound like plot points toward daytime soap opera, then you haven't seen anything yet. In fact, it might be easiest to absorb

the torture events of this week in that format. The story so far. David Petraeus, the general, married father of two director of the CIA and retired four-star general resigned last Friday afternoon, after emerged that he had stupped his biographer, Paula Broadwell, the other lady, married mother of two and West Point graduate, Paula wrote in an in-depth biography of Patreus, the first draft of which was apparently a 240-page detailed description of the diameter of his penis.

After considerable publishers' notes, it was later changed to a 240-page history of his military service instead. Their secret stooping was concealed by a covert system of saving draft emails and saving them in a joint email account, which was only uncovered when Paula started sending threatening emails to Jill Kelly. Other lady married mother of three tamper residents socialite unpaid military social liaison party planner and hot tamale. When she received Paula's threatening email she contacted Fred Humphries, the FBI agent who launched an FBI investigation which he was

quickly removed from when he'd emerged that he'd emelt shirtless photos of himself to Jill Kelly, the other other lady who it emerged during the investigation was exchanging thousands of flirtatious emails with General John Allen, the other other other man, forced our general and top US commander in Afghanistan. A position that he took over from David Petraeus, the General. And so, Andy, this whole sword did, although not actually that physically-sorted story, comes full circle. I guess it just proves the old age-old rule, John, his oldest time itself, which says,

if you are one of the highest ranking officials in the world's current number one rank superpower, and one of the most respected former soldiers in the world's biggest military nation, do not, if you can possibly help it, put your penis into the wrong person. There's just any way that can be avoided, do try to avoid it. I know it, I mean it seems odd, John, but it can, does seem that it's more difficult to control one penis than an army of 200,000 people, many of who, ironically, also have penises. Yes. Yeah. We may be worth writing that on, you know, on his hand. So, we can read, or definitely on his penis, just so that he ever gets out of there, look down at his penis. You know what? This was the one thing I was not supposed to do. Maybe you can, to go with your wristbands,

your C-F-C wristbands. You can have a special... Right, I do. Penisband. That's a great idea. What WWF-S-G-D, what would a four star general do? That's right. And when you become a figurehead in an army, you

should be given, just as you're given your four star, you should also be given that penis band. There are penis bands out there on the market, but I think they're there to actively encourage sex rather than... Well, Prince Albert, of course, famously had a Wang ring, didn't they? I mean, that was the original penis band. That was said, you are not married to the Queen of England. Yeah. That's what has in anyone else. That's right. That's right.

So you insisted on that? Yeah. I mean, the Aaron Wang Prong-Drabblinger Contra Band Pluk has, of course, been responsible for scandals and resignations since the dawn of time, or at least since 2,500 BC, when fourth dynasty Pharaoh, Shepsescacaff was called in Flegante with a woman called Dawn from the ancient Sumerian city of time. He left did not be buried in a pyramid.

Instead he was buried in a mastaba tomb called the Master Betel-El-Affaroun. What? Which is the fact? Oh no, it doesn't sound like a fact, man. It is a fact, it is a fact. It is a fact he was buried in a tomb called a Mastabets, whose name does suggest that he learnt his lesson

and stayed clear of sexual temptation. Ha, ha, ha. In all, God, this got blue fastest. It's not surprising. In all that, in all this mess, there's actually only one confirmed affair, but it's been enough to plunge the

military in the FBI into chaos all week with rumors flying around ranging from Paula Broadwell had access to classified documents to the entire Pentagon is a back and alien f***ing first. Patreas resigned almost immediately bringing... Why did... Why did Mitt Romney not say that during the campaign? Yeah. You know, it couldn't have gone worse for him.

Patreas, he lost almost all the swing states. No, he may as well have thrown one out there. Patreas resigned almost straight away, bringing his long career of public service to a sadly grubby end. And there are lots of questions that still remain, such as one. What the f*** was he thinking? Two, did he expose the US to blackmail or jeopardize any national secrets?

Three, how does the director of the CIA get caught by email? And four, seriously, what the f*** was he thinking? As for a general Allen, that is still under investigation and there's no evidence so far of any actual physical affair, that would be a problem if there was, because under Article 134 of the United Joint Military Code, any adultery could get him jailed for a year. As that article forbids, and I quote,

adulterous conduct has a tendency, because of its open or notorious nature, to bring the service into disrepute, make its subject a public ridicule, or lower it in the publicist team. Andy, when you put it like that, I just sound so sexy. I'm going to come over to your apartment and I'm going to expose them with a drink to public ridicule and lower it in the publicist team and I'm going to do it

all night long. Damn. I must been some quite awkward talk between General Patrias and his... his biographer. Are you definitely not writing volume 2? Do you absolutely promise? Okay, where you go? Well, that was a bit disappointing, because he resigned, basically, before the witch hunter even got going. I mean, that is not how you're supposed to let a scandal play out. And then it's kind of run and run for a couple of months before he was finally

handed out of office in disgrace. I think this is a disgraceful case of jumping the gun before the media has had their fill. Now, just to reiterate, there is no evidence of a physical affair so far between General Alan and Jill Kelly. But the FBI apparently found between 20,000 and 30,000 pages of flirtatious emails between the two of them in the past year alone that they're currently going through. Which also raises a lot of questions, such as one. What the f*** was he thinking? Two, how the f*** did he have the time to send 30,000 flirtatious emails in a year when he was overseeing the war in Afghanistan? Three, how the f*** does anyone have the time to send 30,000 flirtatious emails in a year when he was overseeing the war in Afghanistan.

Three, how the f**k does anyone have the time to send 30,000 flirtatious emails in a year, even when they're not overseeing a war. Four, how does anyone send 30,000 flirtatious emails in a lifetime? How is it possible there are 30,000 different flirtatious things to say? And five, seriously, what the f the fuck was he thinking? For all the attention and upheaval, this is caused. It is actually a pretty low grade and unimpressive scandal as scandals go. Some of my favourite reactions came from people in Pakistan who were interviewed on the streets of Karachi by the global post of the last week. And many of the people spoken to were surprised by the level of honour

showed by Patreus in resigning. Or, you know, the fact that they're so surprised by the level of honour of a man who cheated on his wife and used email tricks to try and cover his tracks. Perhaps that shows more about the morality levels of Pakistani politicians than it does anything else. But one vendor said, maybe he was just a man who fell in love. I'd like to see a photograph of his lady. No, I don't quite how that would have cleared things up

in his mind, Andy, but he seemed pretty sure that it would help. Lots of the reaction, though, was understandable around one particular thing. Faiz Mumtaz said, we're hopeful that this means less drones. Now, again, I don't know how Patreia's cheating on his wife might lead to less drone strikes, but I guess in their position, the Pakistanis, that's pretty much what you're hoping for whenever

anything happens. Oh, Drew Breeze has just thrown a touchdown pass in a record 52nd consecutive game. I hope this means less drones. Oh, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have broken up. I hope this means less drones. Oh, just in beaver and Selena Gomez have broken up. I hope this means less drones. Oh, President Obama is going to ceremonially pardon some thanks giving turkeys next week in the White House. I hope this means less f***ing drones. Though, you know, that might be a bit of a stretch. I guess the problem is when you give up hope, you just become numbers on a drone dartboard because just to put those statements in context in the last four years alone Obama has authorised

nearly 300 drone strikes in Pakistan. A country that the US is not technically at war with. That's pretty impressive droning. It's going to be tough Patreus John. It's got a hand in all the perks of being CIA director, the salary of upwards of $5,000 a year. The bomb-style car that can project rotating blades from its wheels and fire a plea of flames from its windscreen wipers. The personal CIA director's collection of professional rebels that he was entitled ascending to destabilize one government a year

of his choice. And of course, his CIA chair with the words Bertie Bignuts stitched across the back. It's all about the perks. Yeah. But is it never about the salary, no job? It's all about the perks. It goes right back to Hoover. Really is it extraordinary?

Our man who's won so many military medals could lapse in judgment so much. So he's won more military medals than most people have watched war films Although one of his medals was forgetting through saving private iron without saying well that really sailed off didn't it Four star general as well. That's a pretty good review John when I would buy a ticket to see him do some war just on the back of that Be guaranteed to get good quality warfare Maybe not the brilliance and originality of a five star general

But certainly much better than a humdrum predictable three-star general. And of course you might go and pay to go and see a one-star general just to see what makes them so bad or a bit of a laugh just to see some really shit war, but to be honest, that's your own money you're wasting. Even the Taliban have had a response to the Petrace affair because when it was mentioned to a quoted, stony face Taliban official drawing an interview with the AFP this week. It's a need to put those words in.

I know, I know. I know. Yeah, not the lightest person, obviously. When it was mentioned to him during an interview, he and I quote, literally laughed out loud. Ha, ha, ha. And before going on to point out the differences in the response to the scandal that they would have had, this Taliban official said, from a Pashtun point of view, Patreus, should be

shot by relatives from his mistress' family. From a Sharia point of view, he should be stone to death. All of that, Andy, is apparently some material from his Pashtun's versus Sharia comedy album. Pashtuns killed adulterers like this. Pya, pia, pia, pia! Whereas Serrius killed adulterers like this. Hee-yup! Hee-yup! Pops me that jacket one. Hee-yup! I'm here all week.

Do not tip your waitresses. They should not be here. Hee-yup! Hee-yup! And even, yeah, even the Taliban official Andy, even he did not think this particular scandal was a big deal, saying, and again, I quote, it's quite normal for Americans and Western people to behave like this. They live in free sex societies where no one cares about this sort of thing, so what

do you expect? That's the problem, Andy. All of this, relatively speaking, is pretty tame, and when you're an empire, when you're leading the world, your scandals are frankly supposed to be better than this. Caligula turned his palace into a brothel, had sex with his sisters, appointed his horse to be a priest, and once, when presiding over some games, he ordered his guards to throw an entire section of the crowd into the arena during the interval, because there were no criminals to be prosecuted, and he was bored.

Even now, there are other countries putting the US to shine with scandals. In the UK in 1994, MP Stephen Milligan was found dead, partly naked, partly cross-dressed, mid-autorotic as fixation, with an electric cord around his neck and an orange in his mouth. That is a f***ing scandal, Andy. All patreas did was stop someone

who wasn't Mrs. Patreas. America's lost its edge, John. It's so sad. And now, a quick David Petraeus quiz. Question one of one. David Petraeus is known as Peaches Petraeus. I will see so called. A, if you don't know the answer,

you've clearly never seen them coming out of the shower. B, because he's soft and squidgy on the outside with smooth, downy skin but has a tough, indigestible core. See, because he lasts longer but becomes less tasty if he's kept in the fridge. D, because he's obsessed with peaches gildoth and has a tattoo of the celebrity daughter on his left buttock. Or E, because when he was a child, other children found the word portrayas too difficult to say, very much like baseball commentators finding pujoles too difficult

to say, and saying poo holes instead. Do write your answers on your own hands, and then refer to the internet. UK resignation news now. And in the UK this week, the Jimmy Savile scandal has raged on and is indirectly led to the resignation in disgrace of directed general George Entwistle after just 54 Torrid days on the job. And for those of you who haven't been following this story, or don't know who Jimmy Savile is, congratulations. But your innocence is now going to be destroyed, which is something it turns out Jimmy Savile is. Congratulations, but your innocence is now going to be destroyed, which is something it turns out Jimmy Savile was particularly good at. It turns out that he was a serial child molester with over 300 people now coming forward and saying they were abused by him.

Jimmy Savile was an iconic figure for the BBC for over half a century, famously presenting the popular primetime show Jimmel Fixit, where children would write to him and he would grant their wishes. Essentially, he was a sexually abusive Santa Claus. Sir Jimmy Savile, because yes, Sir Jimmy Savile, he was knighted and not just by the queen, but also by the Pope, who awarded him a papal knighthood, strange Andy that the Catholic Church could not spot a predatory sex offender even when he was right in front of them. It's just not like them, is it? Yes, sometimes when these things are too close, you don't see them.

Yeah, anyway, he died last year and a BBC investigative program was pulled off here at the last minute before Christmas and the tribute to Jimmy Savile was run and it's placed instead. In the wake of that poor decision, the BBC then ran an investigation into a venture to the children's home in Wales in the 1980s, and in it a former senior conservative politician was wrongly accused of child abuse. And this, what was already a qualified clusterfuffle, Andy, became what the Australians would call a real f***eroo.

The BBC has been engulfed by this veritable, controvershit storm ever since it emerged. That's Savile, as you say, one of their star presenters for decades had got away with being a nuclear grade sex offender under the clever disguise of dressing like such an obvious pervert that everyone assumed was an act. But from the people who knew it wasn't but kept stung and the victims whose allegations

were brushed off ignored or kept secret for years due to them not feeling able to report their hideous crimes, a state of affairs which has to be considered a catastrophic and spectacular social-owned goal by Britain as a nation that is slightly getting forgotten about and is all the fuel ore over the BBC. But all in all, it's about unsavory as news and humanity can possibly get. So what better time, John, for NTwistle to take over as director general of the BBC than a couple of months ago, and this was all about to kick off?

NTwistle undoubtedly inherited this job at a tricky time. Look at Goldford, John, in a pairs competition whose partner has shanked it off the tee and left the ball in a muddy puddle in the trees 50 yards off the fairway. Tough lie,eting into the line, in closure in an adjacent zoo, whilst in his follow-through smashing himself in the nuts. Tough shot, badly played, John, very badly played, because he resigned off of one of the most awkward interviews on the history of human communication, at least since Jesus and God had the, you're going to do what to me, dad, conversation, in which Entwistle revealed that he'd not been aware that News Knights was about to broadcast his allegations against Lord Macalpine, then that he hadn't actually

seen it because he'd been out, then that he hadn't read the media coverage of the fore-robe because he'd been busy doing a speech, also that he wasn't really concentrating during the interview anyway because he was thinking about football, that he didn't watch much, tell him because he preferred playing World of a speech, also that he wasn't really concentrating during the interview anyway because he was thinking about football. That he didn't watch much tele because he preferred playing World of Warcraft, and then he hadn't seen the news since 2004 because he found it a bit boring, and then said, guess the news

by looking at people's faces on public transport. Now, not all of that is true, but the fact that any of it is true is basically why he had to quit. Ha ha ha. And also, I think the BBC could easily have, I mean, clearly it's a terrible thing to do. I don't think I'm going out on a limb here

when I say that it is bad to falsely accuse people of being sex offenders. I mean, I think we're probably all on the same page here. Chris, it's a good idea. I, yes, I, I could go, Andy. But they could just a social don't. Yeah. Well, they could just,

it can really bring a party to its knees if you do that. Conversationally, it's poor form. They could merely have balanced this out, John, by telling some more lies about him that showed him in a really good light instead. Oh, that he was five-time European bicycle dress-ars champion, healthy world pole vault record for 15 years, and wrote the libretto and score of Exxon on Main Street for the Rolling Stones.

Balance these things out, John. Doesn't all get them negative. The man falsely accused in the program said it was terrifying to find himself a figure of public hatred overnight, arguing in an interview with the BBC that he should have been contacted before broadcast, which makes you think, wait, hold on, he wasn't contacted. I think it's basic human politeness to tell someone that you're about to out them as a child sex offender. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be labeling you with the worst thing any human being could have attached to their name tomorrow during a program. I was wondering if you had any comment on that. Apparently he was on, he was in southern Italy at the time. I guess on holiday and said,

I don't have television, I don't get newspapers, we don't have the internet. To suddenly find out, I was mixed up in all this and I didn't know what News Not was going to say. It really was a horrendous shock. And that must have been a tough moment Andy to turn your email back on and see You have hate mail 30,000 messages with a subject line. I am going to kill you Another offshoot of this all-sorted story happened on ITV television When Philip Scofield who presents a daytime Show of absolutely no discernible points. Um, that's, that is a, that's a bad review.

A bad review of that. I mean, you can, to scientific fact, John, you can say, you can say that about that's such a great review for any number of TV shows. A program of no discernible point. Um, he had the Prime Minister on the show and the Prime Minister was on the show for absolutely no discernible point. And Philip Schofield handed David Cameron a list of prominent people who had been implicated online in this Peter Filia scandal in one of the most irresponsible pieces of TV presenting in the history of the universe and Cameroon to his eternal credit resisted the temptation to reply by saying

for fuck sake you in the seal. This is a deeply responsibility basically opportunist and see morally reprehensible now f*** off back to children's television where you belong. Actually, on second thoughts, that might be an error. Um, but disappointingly, he also missed the chance to receive this bit of paper. Look at it for a couple of seconds and say, Philips, go field. You should have read this before you gave it to me. Breaking resignation news and God has resigned from his post as managing director of the

Middle East. The 13 billion-year-old professional deity cited personal reasons for stepping down and also a desire to pursue other career goals and new planets. It is thought that he self-proclaimed or mighty ruler of all has become increasingly frustrated. It continued squabbling in the region where he first built his personal profile and follow a base several thousand years ago. In an emotional press conference is attended by the world's media and gospel writers God, a single white male of all fixed

abodes. Express regret that he'd been unable to persuade his followers to work with a common purpose to the overall benefit of the religion as a whole. With hindsight he said, I've made a significant strategic misstep when I split the franchise into then three main sub-franchises who have become increasingly competitive both with each other and internally with themselves, as they have in turn split into sub-franchises which seem insistent on working across purposes. Very cross most of the time, on the cross sometimes. It's been a catalogue of hostile takeover bits that makes 21st century big business that look like a caked all-out-of-village fate. As a result, the entire business has eaten into its own profitability and credibility, and overall, as MD, the buck stops with me. God's stint

in charge of the region has not been without controversy itself, it's extra marital affair with Mary H. Christ just over 2,000 years ago. Course considerable ruckians in the area, whose repercussions continue to repercuss to this day. He's also been accused of complacency in his refusal to communicate with his followers directly for about 2,000 years, as well as of excessive vengefulness and contravening human rights legislation with his obsession with plagues of stuff. It is not yet clear what God will do in a short term, although he is rumoured to be in talks with various publishers over the long-awaited third instalment of his hit Bible trilogy,

which was left tantalisingly unfinished after a disappointing part two, which frankly stretched credibility even more than the already outlandish part one. Guys living to 960 years old, magicians turning a few fish linga sanias into a mill for 5,000, not exactly earnest f***ing heming, why is it? Here end of the lesson. Divided state of American news now, and last week Andy, I pointed out that every single US election ends with just under 50% of the population absolutely devastated.

And that has proven to be even more true this week, as apparently more than 100,000 Americans have petitioned the White House to ask that their states be allowed to secede from the union after the re-election of Barack Obama. Wow, and that's not just sour grapes. Those grapes are so sour, they are a functioning vinegar at this point. The appeals were filed on the White House's We The People website, which guarantees any petition an official White House response as long as they can gather 25,000 signatures. And giving the American people a website like that and it's like giving

a child a tambourine. They can't be trusted with it and they're going to make an ungodly noise. Now, 100,000 signatures may sound like a lot protesting the president until you remember that just last week the US had 60 million people vote in favor of him, so that shouldn't take the sting off it a little bit. A lot of people have got very, very angry about this, John, including a pregnant wife who ran over her husband for not voting for Romney. She said she was so angry at the prospect of a bomber staying in office and her husband not bothering to vote for Romney, she said she was so angry at the prospect of Obama staying in office and her husband not bothering to vote for Romney that she ran him over with a car. Now I love democracy big time, John. I really, really love it.

But I try not to let it intrude on my marriage too much. Besides, that is the first thing you learn when you're learning to drive a car is do not run people over in a fury about their politics. Well, also, I don't know the couple involved personally, Andy. Let me say that straight away, but I have to believe that that might be displacement frustration for other issues in that relationship. I don't believe that was a healthy marriage up to the point that he did not vote for Romney. And a Florida man committed suicide off the election and left a note on his body saying,

do not revive, f*** a bummer. Which, what a way to peg out of that is. I mean, I think that is taking it too hard, John. Mm-hmm. Well, most of the 20 states with petitions for succession voted for Republican Mitt Romney, I guess, unsurprisingly. And the Texas petition has already reached the 25,000 signature mark, which point the White House promises a response. And it must be very tempting indeed for them

to respond, all right, f*** off that. With that as the kind of temptation, I would definitely not be able to resist. And I guess that's one of the many reasons that I am not in politics. In response to some of this madness, other people in Texas have tried to go a different way because while Texas is petitioning to succeed from the union, Austin, Texas

is petitioning to succeed from Texas itself Union. Austin, Texas, is petitioning to secede from Texas itself. Their official petition states, we petition the Obama administration to peacefully grant the city of Austin, Texas, to withdraw from the state of Texas and remain part of the United States. I'm not even sure the rest of Texas would even put up much of a fight over that either.

And the petition goes on to say, Austin, Texas continues to suffer difficulties, stemming from the petition goes on to say, Austin Texas continues to suffer difficulties stemming from the lack of civil, religious and political freedoms imposed on Pond the city by less liberally mind detections. It is entirely feasible for Austin to operate as its own state within the United States in the event that Texas is successful in the current bid to succeed. It's important for Austin to remain in the union as to do so would protect its citizen standard of living and re-secure their rights and liberties

in accordance with the original ideas and beliefs of our founding fathers. We would also like to annex Dublin, Texas, Lockhart, Texas, and Shiner, Texas. Going on to say, seriously, you people have no fucking idea what it's like living down here. We need help fast.

Well, it could do just go Texas for Puerto Rico and I can have one out one in basis, can we? But for some people, the reason to want to succeed comes from a very personal frustration. The petition for Alabama, Alabama's secession, was started by a man called Derek Belcher. And believe me, you do not need to see him to know that his name fits his face.

His petition has also already crossed the 25,000 statistics mark. He is furious and blames the federal government for shutting down his former business, which is apparently a topless car wash. And that is not a car wash specialising in top-down convertibles, Andy. It's a car wash specialising in top-down ladies. It was apparently a successful business in Mobile, Alabama until he was arrested and charged with obscenity in 2001. He said, the government ripped my business away and now they're choking America to death with rules and regulations. I guess there's a couple of things that senior

Belcher is getting a little confused about in his anger, Andy, one that a bomb was not president in 2001, and two, that all those cars that came to be washed by his whapped out women all drove there on government-funded roads. But you know what? I'm gonna leave it there, Andy, because, and I cannot stress this enough, I have no desire to get into an argument

with a topless car wash owner called Derek Boucher. Again. Your emails now and well a few of you have emailed in expressing, well I mean a mixture of concern, disgust and admiration about the presidential pundrum that closed last week's show. I'm impressed that memory Andy, so I don't know what they're referring to. Carl Archer described it as a presidential pundrum of biblical proportions. I say biblical proportions because after I listen to it, I felt as if I was being crucified. Nailed in place without the ability to use my hands and suffering for the sins of all men going. That is, wow, nicely put. So that sounds like a challenge. I'm going to try and stay clean for the rest of the year though.

It's going to be tough. I'm going to need your help, John. I'm going to try and stay clean. And this email came in from Mikaeli or Michelle. That could be either. Let's go with Michelle. Let's go with Michelle. Let's go with Michelle. Dear Andy John and Chris, I would like to nominate the newly elected governor of Sicily, Rosario Crocketta for your big broth balls award. Governor Crocketta is both openly gay and openly anti-maphia. And that is, frankly, a social mollot of cocktail.

At least three attempts have been made on his life, according to Reuters, Crocketta said he planned a raft of anti-mob measures, as well as boosting gay and other civil rights. He was at least first openly gay mayor, seeing no conflict with his strong beliefs as a gospel-quoting Roman Catholic. It's my fervent hope that Seniority Croqueta has a long and successful career and dies of natural causes. In other words, during sex, which is a natural cause for Italian polis. Yes, that's right, during sex, which is a natural cause for Italian polices. Yes, that's right. A way to go.

102. And he's carried to his grave by a cadre of hot, oiled up Italian men wearing speedos. Yes. Michelle Mantinen. And that... That is how standing I'm think. That is what a mayor. Good for him.

Yeah, I mean, if you're openly again, openly anti-Mafia, if you have any sense of self-preservation, the last thing you do is try to become governor of Sicily. So you can totally admire. Yeah, it's big. Big, gross, gross balls. The world's biggest. Competition time now, well, buglers, some time ago, about a year ago, in fact,

we've promised you some bugle merchandise. We've been promising you that intermittently ever since. And to be honest, we've been a bit disorganised about it, and it hasn't happened yet. We've been sort of piddling around trying to finalise a logo for longer than is with hindsight credible. So we're now going to open this out to you the listeners. What we're looking for for our logos, basically the font and the letters that you can see on the website or on the little image with the bugle Twitter feed. And either side of those letters, we want images or caricatures of me and John, specifically mine and John's faces to go either side of that. So this is for our actual logo. So please

bear that in mind, this is not like the coat of arms competition. We do not want defecating balls or penis and testicle combos. Not this time unless you genuinely can't think of anything else. We want something that we can actually use. Terms and conditions will be posted on the the bugle website, thebuglepodcast.com. You can find it there, plus details of the what price you'll get for it, which we haven't fully finalized, but there will be some reward of some kind for doing that. We're going to set the closing date at the 7th, or 6th of December, Thursday the 6th of December, and please send any entries to buglelogoatgmail.com.

That is buglelogoonwardatgmail.com. And we promise as soon as this is finalized, the longer way to bugle merch, this ruthlessly commercial operation that we've become, we'll be heading your way, honestly. Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Bzingzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Bzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Bzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Bzing, Buzzing, Bzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Bzingzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Bzing, Bzingzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Bzingzing, Buzzing, Buzzing, Buzzing Honestly. Sport now and Frankl, the recently retired unbeaten superhorse, has turned down offers to become a Hollywood star, test himself by running in NASCAR, open a boutique or play the romantic leader in an extremely controversial panzermime, and has instead opted to become a prostitute. Frankl, who won all 14 of his races, is to become an equine gigalow, servicing lady horses

for the princely sum of £125,000 a hump. His owner and horse-bimp, Prince Callidabdulla, is expected to haul out Frankl's nag-love to £100 horse-honey's a year, earning the celebrity quadruped £12 million annually. That's £6 million annually per horse-bolic. The princely described Frankl as quotes a sensitive lover, if you're a horse with a terrific butt, and a real horse-bollock. The prince described Frankl as quote, a sensitive lover if you're a horse with a terrific butt, and a real horse-wife's favourite who will do anything apart from kiss on the lips, and is, and I quote, hung like a horse. Frankl himself was unavailable for comments, although he was overheard, and I'm not a f***ing piece of meat, although that was whilst galloping drunkenly past a French bistro in London's glamorous

so high-pitched. Hot being seen staggering out of China White's nightclub with fellow celebrity, the actress and humanitarian, Kristen Stewart as well as costing 125 grand for a straight one hour rut. Frankl is also available for a cut price 200 grand for a three way, but refuses to sell himself at any SNM activities he made. I've had enough of my ass being whipped. That's all the sport. Quick forecasts. We've got a week off next week for you to get busy with your Google logo entries. Thanks, Kevin, for Thanksgiving.

Thanks, Kevin. In America, John, what are you going to give thanks for this year? Part of the election being over. That mainly that, Andy, because, you know, I really, I am deeply thankful for it being over. I can't over-stress that. I don't know if that came across last week. I'm really truly thankful'm deeply thankful for it being over. I can't over stress that. I don't know if that came across last week. I'm really truly thankful that this election is over.

So that's mainly it. I'm also going off to India, firstly to try and cure my foster syndrome, and also to watch some cricket. Introducing gigs, I'm going to be in Mumbai, the Bonobo next Thursday, the 22nd, and the following Wednesday, the 28th, at the hotel Bauer Continental in the Duhu District of Mumbai, plus a charity gig in the 27th. And hopefully, sure to and Calcutta in early December details will be posted on the at-hello

bugles and at Zoltz Crickets, Twitter feed. So if you are in India, bugles do come along. If you happen to be passing through India. Or if you happen to be living in India, which I guess is more like. We have some Indian Bueglous. Yeah, definitely have some Indian Bueglous. So we'll be back in two weeks. Tom, we're going to have a fill-in show next week.

Chris, I think you've got something pretty exciting planned. It's going to be amazing. Right. That's all I'm telling you. Okay, you haven't told us much about it. I'm getting slightly concerned. It's all right. I won't do any damage to your

reputation that isn't already out there Wow, that was qualified at the end I don't think the next couple of weeks Andy is going to be bugling from India. Yeah, yeah So I'll be probably bomb a then then Calcutta for those two bugles another That's gonna be a big I don't get three times on, Chris will be in London, John will be in the States, I'll be in India. Thank you, Alex, I'm the Graham Bell

for inventing a concept of communication. And don't forget, send your emails, do info at thebugelpodcast.com and your logo entries, basically images of my face and John's face, to go e-.pacelicarecachort.com and your logo entries. Yes. Basically images of my face and John's face to go e-m-t-sides. You could love with that. Of tuping that as paper over those cracks.

Yeah, good luck with that, Brent. Two easily caricatured. Picasso your way out of that one. you