The Bugle - Bugle 219 – 5th versus 1st

Episode Date: January 11, 2013

The US and UK governments are half way through their runs, North Korea is totally mental, Apple reveal latest product and Andy, John and Chris are lusted after. Oh Yeah! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio And welcome to issue 219 of the Bugle for the week-bending Monday, the 14th of January 2013 with me and his ultimate live in London the city, which has had a triumphant start to new year beating Aleppo in round one of the world's most relaxing city to live in, knock out competition. And live from the epicenter of one of the pips in the Big Apple, it's the self-styled, acceptable face of 21st century humanity, John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello viewers, it's Flumageddon here Andy, the New York Post in one of their classically witty headlines went with Flu York City, bit of fun, bit of fun to have. I thought. It really takes the edge of the fact that everyone is sick in this entire city. Oh really? America is under attack with a flu outbreak at the moment, Andy.

I've been partially taken down by for the last couple of weeks, and it just shows the weakness of the Obama administration, Andy. Where's the response? If this have been bush, it'd have been putting this type of influenza on the list of terrorists by now, capturing a strain of it by finding someone who looks a bit sick, putting a hood over their head and interrogating the shit out of that virus, pouring water all over it, demanding artists for how people can get better. Would it have done any good? Of course not. Biden actually had spread the flu further, possibly. But at at least he looked like he was doing something,

Andy. Honestly, if President Obama can't solve a problem by firing a drone missile at it, he's just not interested. As he not tried firing drone missiles at it. I don't know, at least try. Try, try and cop it bomb New York City with drone bombs. Just to try and attack the them, I don't try. Do something. Right, when he said flu McGadden, I thought that they were just loads of log flumes that had been installed.

Oh, no, that's all in how you pronounce that word. Flu McGadden is very, very different. That's phenomenal. New York is yet to be hit with flu McGadden. Really? Have you put that in as a film pitch to your Hollywood buddies? Oh, I've mentally already done it. I just did it about a second and a half ago.

As always, a section of Bughal is going straight in the bin. And this week marked 150 years of the London Underground, the first train running January 1863, and to commemorate this, this issue of the bugle can not only be listened to on the underground by any bugler in London over the next week, but can also be recited word for word to your fellow passengers on that journey, absolutely free of charge.

We'll be examining an our special commemorative section, how in the 150 years since the first tube ran, swearing in London has increased by 8,700%. We also look back to the early fears about the tube from when it opened that the gases would prove overwhelming that trains would be derailed by giant subterranean dinosaur rats that were still assumed to live under the capital, and that the disturbed ghosts of dead Londoners would haunt the trains after having a tranquillity of their post-death perma sleep ruined, and 98% of modern day commuters

still fear this happening judging by the looks on their faces. And also we reveal some little known facts about the underground, including the Queen Victoria, who was the first celebrity to be named after where she was conceived. O's her name, to Victoria Underground Station, her parents, Prince Edward of Kent and Prince Victoria of Sexacoburg, Sulfeld, got bored waiting for Victoria Underground Station to open in 1818 and got frisky behind an upmarket Cornish pasty stall. The station not. Disappointingly did not open for another 50 years by which Victoria herself had become queen and tried to

part it off as a tribute to herself. And also the London Underground is famous for its rudely named stations, including Cockfosters and Shepard's Bush, and these are a legacy of the days when the famously fun-loving and frisky king Edward VII was king and insisted on all new stations on the tube network, having entertaining and suggestively suggestive names. Now defunct stations from this era include Dick Shunt on the central line, Dangle Longwelley on the district, and Ladyway Southon Jiggleswick on the Hammersmith and City. That section in political hump week. And this week the British government reached its halfway point. And he asked it the Obama administration who offered an auguration

just over a week. Now is staring at a countdown clock of four years before it is constitutionally fired. And unless they can make a bomber pretty convincing disguise, he is never going to be president again. So it's time for both countries administrations to look back at what they've done and forward at what they hope to do. There's been a lot of talk in the UK over an audit that the British government has released on itself.

And right away, that put up a little red flag from me, Andy, because you're not really supposed to do your own audit and if you do do it, it really has to be taken with a pinch of salt and when I say pinch, I mean mountain of salt. It's like doing your own tax return, pronouncing it perfect, having someone call bullshit and a response you say that you'll take care of it and doing your own audit

as well before pronouncing that audit perfect too. I would like this idea Andy, only if it came before an independent evaluation as well. If this essentially was the British public acting on the boss at an end of year performance evaluation saying, before we tell you what we think, how do you think the first half of your time in power has gone? So how do they value it themselves Andy? Let me guess. Have they said that they've done very well in the circumstances and has the opposition said that they've done very badly and is everyone else taking issue with it as well? And if they then said, but weren't the Olympics great?

And as everyone then said, yeah, they were great, weren't they? And then forgotten what everyone was talking about. That is basically what has happened. And it's got an interesting reveal a lot about the nature of politics. That coalition released a halfway report saying how, as you said, it was doing pretty well in the circumstances. But then later, a number 10 advisor was photographed carrying a restricted

document, warning of broken pledges in the coalition agreement, and the coalition was then kind of railroaded into releasing this audit of all the things that it hadn't done. So it was kind of just sort of showed how modern politics now is not about telling the truth. It is about appearing to tell the truth when you absolutely have no choice but to try to appear to be telling the truth. At the halfway stage, the coalition government is, as most governments around the world, are quite unpopular because when you're in government, what you basically have to do is try not to f**king things up so badly that you don't get re-elected and the best way to do that is to f**king things up quite badly and then tell everyone that it could have been much worsely f**ked up if the other f**ks have been in charge.

The difference with a coalition, as you can say, well it is worse because some of the other f**ks have been in charge alongside us. So if you let us have a go without those albatrosses shitting all over our next time, we will make you so happy you'll be sleep talking sonnets about how great Britain is. One of Cameron's more annoying traits is puking out lines from television advertisements. He did it in Parliament a while ago. So I think we talked about on the view. When he quoted a car insurance advert by saying calm down deer to Labour MP Angela Eagle,

slightly giving the impression that he thinks Mrs. Pancust was the worst thing to happen to Britain since the plague. And now he described the coalition as being a Ron Seale deal. Now, I'm sure our British listeners will be only too depressingly familiar with the Ron Seal advertising slogan. It does exactly what it says on the tin which been on television for almost 20 years now. He'd also said that the report on the coalition was a full-franc and unvarnished report. So it was basically saying that the coalition was both unvarnished and like a tin of varnish. Now a psychologist interpreting this would probably suggest like a tin of varnish. Now, a psychologist interpreting this would probably suggest he is thinking of varnishing something. Now, I think the conclusion to draw here, John, is that David Cameron is

thinking of wood paneling his wife, giving her a more classic kind of old-school look. I think that is the kind of guy we're dealing with. The key debate that's getting thrown up about the second half of the coalition government seems to be around the welfare state. In Britain, the government won a crucial vote in parliament this week on plans to limit annual increases in benefits to 1% for the next three years. That is crucially behind inflation, which is pretty bad news for some of the most vulnerable members of society in the UK. I guess the government's response to that would probably be, eh, who gives a shit? Instead, they've tried to reframe the debates and the benefits should not be going up faster

than wages currently are. The Liberal Democrats, Business Secretary, Vince Cable, who truly supports Andy and repeat the fact, he has a sensational name. You shouldn't be a Business Secretary with a name like that. You should be a professional wrestler or a porn star. Anyway, he said, it seemed fair to us to distribute some of this pain in a more equitable way. Wow, he sure has a way with work, I think, redistributing pain. I think we'd like to redistribute some of this pain down to the poorest members of society as they have proven over the years that they really are able to take a punch. Well, it is interesting, the way that they've framed this, as you say, it's not about

it being fair or the best use of resources. It's about the fact that they've already been unfair to a number of large swathes of the public sector, having their wages kept well below inflation. So they're trying to unites the country in an equality of unfairness. And as you say, you can share the pain throughout society unless, of course, you are lucky enough to be able to afford the extremely high power financial painkillers that seem to exist at the top end. But everyone else, John, we're all together in a gloriously harmonious unity of unfairness from the top.

And I don't think Britain's ever been happier than it is at the moment. Those against this have said that it is unfair to a quite a 1% limit on benefits worth less than £100 a week, with a 1% pay rise for someone on a salary of, say £25,000 a year. And the debate has even been described as skivers versus strivers. I don't know if that's the best way to put it and it's definitely the best way to make it rhyme. And if that's the most important thing to you, then you've pretty much nailed it there, but in terms of fairly representing the debate, it's a best misleading and at worst f***ing stupid. That said, it does rhyme.

So, you know, it has a certain power. An ex-government minister, Sarah Tether, has accused the government of playing playground politics with welfare and has said that using terms such as strivers and scroungers was unworthy of the coalition and risked creating envy and division between different groups. And with that's basically true.

And they're essentially trying to turn low wage earners against the unemployed. They're trying to turn low wage earners against the unemployed, they're trying to make working class people fight each other. It's like a much less spectacular Roman games. LAUGHTER Now, George Osborne, previously justified the move by saying fairness, is about being fair to the person who leaves home every morning to go out to work

and sees their neighbour still asleep living a life on benefits. Well, I mean, there's a number of things that arise from this. First start, don't peer in through your neighbour's window with the morning, it just looks creepy. Now, the Tories have claimed that they're standing up for hard-working people, which is one of the more commonly used phrases and British politics now. In reality, the benefit cuts are going to affect millions of those hardworking people. Seven million workers will lose an average of £165 a year. And also, not only hardworking people, but a lot of people who do work, but don't work particularly hard. Now, this isn't almost forgotten, but a literally critical chunk of the British public. When you think how close the last election was, John, I think people who work, but not very hard, are basically

the king-makers in modern Britain. So I think the politicians need to be doing a lot more to attract these people who are lucky enough to have a job but don't really give a shit about it. Yeah, you never hear that crucial voting block mentioned, Andy. It's an absolute tragedy. Chancellor George Osborne has also me criticized for some of the language that he has used over welfare, particularly when he sought to draw a distinction between those going to work early in the morning and others whose curtains were closed. What the f**k is that Andy?

He sounds like a de-kenzy villain. It's clear that George Osborne would ideally like to be wander around London whacking poor people with a stick. Here in America, Andy, President Obama is preparing for his inauguration in a week to a very different atmosphere than last time he was swept up power four years ago on a wave of expectation that he was going to change the world with a wave of his magic ears. But four years on, those limitless dreams have been replaced with a much more achievable hope that he'll at least not be legislatively crustrated over the next four years and might manage to squeeze

out a bit of gun control, maybe a slice of a new immigration bill over the next year or so, and at least prevent his healthcare plan from being taken into the forest and shot. Economically, it's well known that the president inherited an enormous sack of shit, and has been desperately trying to find ways to get America to eat that shit for the last term. But a new plan, which is circulating, is a plan that I haven't actually heard before. In an effort to circumvent the upcoming debt ceiling debate and all the political grandstanding and bickering that comes not just hand in hand with that, but hand cough to

it as well, there is a suggestion that the president could just mint a $1 trillion platinum coin and boom, debt ceiling solved. Essentially, the government could mint this coin and the Treasury Department could then use it to cover the nation's debt obligations. And I mean, it's so simple, it couldn't possibly work, right? Right?

Because the idea is gained traction here all week. New York representative Nadler argued that it was actually a much better option than another fight over race in the US debt ceiling that could result in America defaulting. Even Paul Krugman in the New York Times has announced his support for this idea. He said that if it looks like America is about to default it should do it, saying they will, after all, be faced with a choice between two alternatives, one that's silly but benign, and the other that's equally silly but both vile and disastrous. The background is, it turns out there is actually a legal loophole which allows the treasury

to mint platinum coins in any denomination the Secretary chooses. It was intended just to allow commemorative collector's item coins, but the Lord does not technically restrict it to just that. So by minting a trillion dollar coin, you could then essentially just wander over and deposit it at the Fed, meaning that the treasury could then get enough cash to avoid the debt ceiling while essentially not doing much harm at all. And the thing I love the most about this is that it might be the most childish solution to the most childish problem in human history. Well it's just so, John, it's the age older all the economics, you have to fight the problems caused by idiotic

economics and gambling on stuff that doesn't exist with idiotic economics and gambling on stuff that doesn't exist. It is the only language global economics understands and it's a very attractive option, John. It's somewhat more convenient than, for example, creating a stable and more equitable global economic system, which is frankly a pain in the arse. And we just, it can solve all of America's economic problems. The only snag being, it's going to be very tough to find anywhere that is, you can use that coin, John. You know, to be able to get changed for it, you're going to have to buy something that costs close to, you know use that coin, John. You know, to be able to get changed for it, you're gonna have to buy something that costs close to a trillion dollars. And basically all you're looking at there is a space program or a massive arm's deal.

And that's just repeating the cycle of overspending on needless shit that got us into this mess in the first place. Try giving that to a cab driver. I can't take this. You have to take it. You have to take, it's legal tender. You have to take it. Also, it's gonna be very hard for whoever has to deliver that coin

to the Federal Reserve to walk around within their pocket trying to look normal, knowing the weight of what they've got. How are you Rico, nice to see how you're doing? I'm fine, get out of my way. What's up, you see my bit edgy? I'm f***ing fine, get the f*** out of my way. What a cool o' cops, dad. Keep your helmet on, son. Why are you wearing a helmet? No reason, I just like helmets. Are you okay to only be in a bit distant since that guy from the mint came round with that delivery? I'm f***ing fine!

I'm f***ing fine! Why are you hobbling around with both hands over your pocket? Why is there razor wire all over your trousers and three guard dogs poking out of your belt? What's with the arm security at escort? You're trying to hide something! You're trying to f***ing hide something! And the beauty of this story is handy. Even the White House is currently refusing to completely rule out the idea.

And of course they're doing that. And because it's a phenomenal suggestion who doesn't want a trillion dollar coin to exist. For a start, one thing is for damn sure, Nicholas Cage is gonna try and steal that coin. And if he does, I for one will be watching. And in fact, that brings up a key point. How would you protect the coin? Would they stash it in for nox or would they make a special platinum wallet to carry it around in?

And who's faced you put on the coin? It's probably got to be a president in which case, I think you have to go with William Howard Taft Andy, the fattest president for the fattest unit of currency in American history. And they should all show use that coin for the coin toss each year at the start of the Super Bowl. It would add some much needed pizzazz to that usually dour reserve de fer. Just imagine how dramatic it would be, a referee visibly nervous, sweating, knowing that he has multiple guns on him.

Should he try and run away? Looking to the team captains, flicking the corner in the air and shouting, taft or tails. And to show just what a mess the American economy is in and just what President Obama is up against for the next four years in one of the bullsiest imaginable moves. A group of AIG shareholders here is launching a lawsuit against the US government over the terms of their bailout in 2008. And AIG themselves spent the first half of this week seriously considering joining it. Now, on the official corporate ballometer, Andy, the scientific instrument that gauges

the size of their corporation's testicles during any given action. You will see that those are some pretty gargantuan balls. On the scale, I believe they rank somewhere between regulation sized basketball and space hopper. Just to be clear, the American taxpayer, which now includes me, Andy, saved IIG from what was almost certain bankruptcy. And now IIG is is gonna thank us by suing us. That is like someone robbing your house, slipping and falling on the way out and then suing you for breaking their leg.

When they came up with that lawsuit, there must have been jumping up and down in the conference room, Andy, and high-fiving, as well as a deep clanging sound everywhere in the room made by their giant titanium testicles slamming together. I mean, I think this has been a strong start to 2013 for America, John. We have the we'll see the the the hitting baseballs off a warship into a crowd of jet skis last year, but the trillion dollar coin and suing the government for bailing you out. I mean, that's really taking Americanism

to a whole new financial level, that's. Well, and that is the claim. The claim is that they're doing this really in the most American possible way, because it turns out they're claiming that the terms of the bailout deal forced AIG into a loan with a high interest rate, which was unfair to its shareholders,

as it deprived them of tens of billions of dollars in extra profit and crucially violated the Fifth Amendment which prohibits the taking of private property for public uses. So, AORG is going to use the Fifth Amendment to sue us, Andy. In that case, allow me to use the First Amendment to tell them to go f**king themselves. Because how thoughtless it was for us to have saved A.O.G.'s ass for them, Andy. Did we somehow not save it enough? Could we have saved it better?

Would they have preferred us to save their ass, then polish that ass up, slip a 20 between its cheeks and then bake their ass a cake to thank them for letting us save it? Now, on the plus side, Andy, this lawsuit has done the impossible and fully united America for the first time in decades. This country cannot agree on anything at the moment, apart from how much everyone now thinks that AIG is a bunch of grade A platinum grade DICs angels. They've become a lightning rod for hate and sadly not a lightning rod for actual lightning. Well, I mean, yeah, I talk about the trillion dollar coin.

I mean, that could be, you know, something in, you know, all future bailouts being, you know, in billion dollar banknotes, slaps on the arses of the magazine directors of failing banks. I think, oh, we're far more honest relationship between the government and the banks that have got them into that trouble. The only person in America who publicly stated that this lawsuit was a good idea was a man called David Boyz who wrote an op-ed in USA Today, but it turned out that David Boyz is actually the ex-CEO of AIG's lawyer who is the man behind the whole lawsuit.

So the only person stating that there is support of this is literally being paid to say that. And luckily the op-ed was only in USA Today. So people aren't going to read it so much as they're going to step over it in the morning when exiting their hotel rooms. Boom! Paperslam, Andy. Paperslam. And all this is happening at the same time that IAIG are running national TV commercials announcing they've successfully paid off the entire buy-out loan and thanking America for its help pulling them out of bankruptcy. The current ad says we at AIG said we were gonna turn it around and we did. We're helping Joplin

Misori come back from a devastating tornado and now we're helping the East Coast recover from Hurricane Sandy. Yeah and you know why you're doing that AIG because you're a f**king insurance company. You're not doing any of that out of charity. You're doing it because you contractually obliged to. And even then, you're trying to weed out some of those claims. Anyway, that goes on to say, we're now leaner and focused on what we do best.

We've repaid every dollar America lent us. We turned it around. Thank you, America. Thank you, America. Thank you, America, for the freedom to ensure a brighter future. And yet, Andy, they've very nearly joined this lawsuit, which is going ahead now anyway. So were those thank yous sarcastic? Am I mishearing the tone of voice there? Was that the first ever sarcastic? Thank you, commercial, because one thing is for sure. At the the end of the world when this planet is just a pile of smoking rubble the only things left standing are going to be cockroaches and AIG.

That's Darwinism John. Yeah, it's economic Darwinism. I actually think at the very least and he's appropriate for America to now make some commercials to send a message back to AI.R.G. sent to similarly clawing music. A.R.G. said they were going to do it and they did. They pay back their bailout fund, but only after giving hundreds of millions in bonuses to executives. They pay back every dollar America lent them while bitching and complaining every step

of the way. And they're considered suing the people that helped them in the first place. They did it. They actually did it. You USA, USA. Kim Jong unnews now and there was a surprise televised new years address in North Korea from Kim Jong un, the first of its kind in North Korea for 19 years. And in his speech delivered conspicuously without a swivel chair and a hairless cat, despite recommendations from his top advisors. He spoke of the need to improve the economy and also to reunify the careers, warning that confrontation only led to war. And that's a little bit rich and coming from someone who has spent the last 12 months conducting rocket tests that

have pissed off the entire international community and that have been tantamount to him waggling his penis around. So look at this, everybody look at this, I'm pointing my penis at South Korea, look I'm pointing it at them, nobody can stop me. I'm not gonna fire it, you just don't know, dear, but it's pointing at you. My it's pointing at you. Ha ha ha! My penis is pointing at you. Ha ha ha ha! That's essentially been his behaviour in recent months, aren't they? You're going to make such a great dad, John. And there's also, he's been getting a bit old school with his leadership as well. I mean, if you've had a trillion dollar coin in America, Kim Jong-un's getting even more real than that, John. He has been literally giving candy to children.

One kilogram of free candy for every single child in North Korea, which apparently is a tradition started by his grandfather and previous Lunatic North Korean leader, must be something in the genes there. And people are criticizing for this. To me, it's just basically introducing North Korean leader must be something in the genes there. And people are criticizing for this. To me, it's just basically introducing North Korean children to how adult politics works. Bribing people with sweet stuff that they don't really need to get them to ignore other stuff.

At least happens with many things in childhood. You get a light and sanitized version to prepare for the harsh realities of reality. You feed babies with lukewarm, whap milk. That's really just a sanitised version of beer. You read them stories, gold deluxe, a lesson about mankind's exploitative and natural kingdom. Sleeping beauty, a story about how some men will exploit wealthy but vulnerable women for personal gain,

even if they've been in a long-term coma. I think Kim Jong-in, it hurts. He's really just playing the long game with his citizens, Johnny. He's just weaning them on to the way the world works. It was a spectacular plan, this. It was to celebrate his birthday on Tuesday. He announced his attention to send this kilo of sweets, basically 2.2 pounds of candy, little sugar bombs to every dangerously malnourished infant in the country.

And just to make sure that the sugary goodness reached his destination, he even mobilised aircraft to ensure that each child in the country aged ten or under received the candy gift in time. A radio report by the North Korean Central Broadcasting Station said that villages in outlying islands exploded with joy at the confectionery airlift. I think exploded in joy might have been a mis-translation, because surely they meant to say died of malnutrition. When that candy was delivered, I think the starving villagers would be entirely entitled to react by saying, oh, so you do know we're here then. Oh, how about that? I just presume that you weren't aware of our existence and suffering,

but it is possible for you to get supplies through to us if you choose to. How about that? When we'll be seeing you again anytime soon. What's that? Oh, you've already gone. Some North Koreans are using his birthday as an opportunity to start bravely mocking him, according to a North Korean news blog, because they have become annoyed at some of the other birthday activities planned, such as street cleaning for the leader's birthday and compulsory apple picking days. Face it, Andy, this guy knows how to part.

If you go out with him, you're going to wake up with a stomach full of apples on a very clean street. The mocking is come to the fact that January the 8th, it's pronounced in Korean as Ilpal, 1-8. But the Korean word for 18, C-pal happens to be a homeophone of the swear word f***ing. So, Pionyang residents have decided to take advantage of this pun, and they are referring to Kim Jong-un's birthday as the fucking birthday celebrations and compulsory apple picking days as f***ing apple picking days.

And possibly even further, referring to Kim Jong-un as f***ing comrade, f***ing marshal, or f***ing Kim III. Look, it's early days in terms of mocking their leader Andy. It isn't the most sophisticated stuff yet, but they are showing some early good talent there. One of the final strange things that is immersed regarding North Korea concerns their Twitter account. They often link to weird videos on

this Twitter account, including a deserted theme park, a video featuring soldiers playing the kazoo, a cartoon for kids about ants, and a 40 minute long synchronized swimming video. But the Twitter account only follows three people, and it turns out one of them is a 25-year-old investor from Austin, Texas, who has absolutely no idea why they're following him. His name is Jimmy Duskou, and his profile describes him as just a young guy trying to make the world a better place. And he said of this, bizarre circumstances.

People always ask me how it happened, and I honestly can't remember. It started sometime back in 2010. I was an initially surprised, but I always tried to make friends with people from all different locations and backgrounds. So, it seems like the North Korean Twitter account is exactly as weird as you'd expect, Andy. LAUGHTER MUSIC UGLE feature section and technology.

Now, I love it or hate it. Technology is here to stay just a few thousand years ago. It's amazing to think that recently. We were all still living in caves, eating dinosaur eggs and entertaining ourselves by seeing how annoyed Willie Manmus would get get if you climbed onto their backs, ruffle their fur and shatter giddy up trunkey. Then technology didn't really get much more advanced and sticking stuff in your mouth and seeing if you died, or granting in binary the very much the four runner of modern computer programming language, or maybe communicating with other humans by hitting them on the head with a big stick and seeing how angry their friends and relatives got. That's basically how Twitter works, but in a more direct way. Eventually, civilization

snook up on us, and before we knew it, we were living in cities drinking stuff out of cow's tits, reading the back cover of long novels and opening SNM clubs, what's that progress? Well, it's an offshoot of all this every year now. There's the consumer electronics show that shows cases, the latest new gadgets and gizmos that are going to revolutionise and dominate our lives. Unless you're one of the world's poor in which case bed'll up next time, and sorry about wasting all that food and stuff. So this week the world has been watching excitedly the show in Las Vegas, the spiritual home

of human pointlessness, for a glimpse into how we will live our lives in the near future. And wearable technology has been a big thing this year, John, including the stick and find electro sticker that you whack on your cat so that if it frrows and then convenient time, you can find it and either drown it or put it back in its cage or whatever you do with cats these days. I'm a bit out the loop. And the pebble watch, now it's a watch that tells the time

and can be read in daylight and doesn't need to be laboriously wound up or fed every day. That's an incredible breakthrough for human technology. It also alerts you to when you have to be alerted to something. It's almost like a small e-reader on your wrist that can receive emails. And the chief executive of the company said, we've seen firsthand that there is a huge demand for mobile companions that make email notifications, messages, and alerts more easily accessible. Now this is an amazing moment for humanity, John.

We've reached a stage where putting your hand in your pocket has become too time consuming. We live in blessed times or cursed times. It's pretty hard to tell which, possibly both. Now, the email internet enabled watch could already be obsolete, could have been superseded even before it come on the markets because frankly what losers have so much down time, that they can afford to look at their wrist to see if they've had a time for critical email telling them how much prongier their will it could be, or that Mike's bespoke sock imporium

is having a 4% of all luxury winter under sock wear until midday on Friday. No one I know has that amount of time to spare. So we need devices that permanently bombard information, updates, alerts and other assorted hypernecessary shit directly into our eye sockets. And also at the show, there's been smart eyewear developed with a wide screen, micro screen directly in front of the wearer's eye that appears to hovering the user's field division. Now, the chief executive of this company, one of the companies that developed this

Voodex explained, say you like Guinness and you're in New York, you could say to your glasses, is there stout around here, the app kicks in, the camera feeds out, and you see an arrow showing you which way to go. Now, again, this is the greatest use of technology, John. It is helping you to find alcohol to drink away the loneliness of a world increasingly devoid of genuine human contact, or even drinking away the collective guilt that we've developed a device that can tell your eyeball where to buy Guinness

before we've developed a cure for malaria or remains not to waste half of the world's food. But in turn, this technology could also be obsolete before it's been released, who these days has time to wait for the images to be transmitted at the speed of light from a device an inch from your eye, actually into your brain. An apple is rooming to be on the verge of announcing its ambitious new project, the eyeball, a wireless 6-gian-abled multimedia optical sphere

that will replace the human eyeball and provide quotes the ultimate entertainment and gaming experience. The eyeball will be able to stream all kinds of vacuous shit straight into your optic nerve and includes an app so that using the pupil-shaped aperture on the front of it, you'll be able to choose to be able to see what is in front of you using its 800 megapixel 40-video socket cam as if you are still using your original eye. Special electro lashes, which will replace conventional eyelashes, will act as micro-airials to receive Wi-Fi and 3, 4, 5 and 6G mobile internet signals.

There will also be an add-on which will turn the right ear into an old-fashioned dial-up socket, in case you don't have the internet yet, or want to phone someone to tell them all about your new eyeball, and the left ear into an HDMI output, so your loved ones can share exactly what you're seeing with your eyeball. The eyeball will use magic to access the unused capacity of the human brain, thoughts of the equivalent to 256 megabytes in some people, to store all visual images during a person's lifetime. And it's new PIGME OUT app, one of a number of moment of death apps coming onto the market to enable users to enjoy a fully interactive death, will auto-edit the memories into a

PowerPoint-style commemorative presentation, which will be triggered by the user's central nervous system to flash before the user's eyeball in moments of extreme peril or illness. Apple's acting chief executive techno wizard, Lowin Snutterbuck III, a former pansemon cow partner of Steve Jobs from his day struggling to make a living as a stage actor in Britain, commented, globular smash. The Apple eyeball is smooth, cool, and above all, it looks expensive, and that means it's good. Mr Snutterbuck declined to say how consumers would be advised to remove their own eyeballs. And he did not confirm or deny rumors that Apple would provide a dedicated high-tech gouging service to do so, using technology developed by French rugby players

over several decades. Noted the clarify whether the eyeball would require endless updates, or become essentially obsolete within a few years with the advent of the eye brain. He did, however, say that you would be able to, quote, pop the eyeball in an outlucker pickled onion. And that's, if you use two eyeballs simultaneously, you would get, quote, a full 3D mind-f*** of the highest caliber. The eyeball is set to retail at $999, or a special one-off, $1799 for a pair of eyeballs. ["The World of War"] Your emails now, and this one comes from Alex. Dear Andy, Chris and John, in order of who will find this most amusing, I was recently listened to Radio 4 and learned that green cardholders

can be drafted into the US military. John, are there any trouble spots that you've been particularly interested in visiting? I hear Mohammed Morsey wants to work with you if you end up in Egypt all the best. Oh, no. Alex. Well, Andy and I've always felt that I would thrive in a military situation. I hear Mohammed Morsi wants to work with you if you end up in Egypt all the best. Oh, no. Alex. Well, Andy and I have always felt that I would thrive in a military situation. Yes, yeah. I'm good with positions of authority or respect authority.

You know, I'm mature. I'm a mature thinker. You know, I don't get distracted by childish things. And you know, most of the people I have an incredible core power in my body. So, yeah, you know, I've got no problem with that. Yeah, unless they don't want to call me up, which is fantastic. And this one came in from Lily in New York, right? I'm a female listener and supporter and can't decide from week to week which

bugle I love best some weeks. It's Chris others, John or Andy. I've had fancies of loving you all at once, but the fancies gets kind of noisy. My revolving crush on you was paradoxical, because funny isn't actually sexy. Funny is appealing and seductive, all the way up to the bedroom door. Once disrobed, jokes and ensuing hearts.

That's enough to break the mood. That's a fair point. Which gets me thinking about your actual wives. Yes. What? What? Actually, what what the fuck are they like? Are they freaks, supermodels? Freaks supermodels? Do they like it when you joke around in the sack? Do they have problems? Curious female, isn't this? I would really like to hear something about this. Big kiss, Lily from New York. I guess they have problems in the sense that they have husbands in the form of us.

Yeah, I mean that's a pretty significant problem. That's not your average female fantasy. No, it's a freak supermodel compliment to a wife or not. I don't know. I don't know. You know, we're not conventional sex symbols. No, to put it in the mold is possible way. No, I mean, you throw in the word conventional there, John.

I mean, that's a SESPBELL as bold. That's bold. Well, I think in baseball or cricketing violence, I think we're batting above average. I don't think that's fair. I think that's fair. Oh, my wife, well, I said far better woman than I could ever dream of being. I would agree think that's fair. Oh, my wife's a far better woman than the knockin' ever dream of being. I want to dream of that.

Yeah. Absolutely. So anyway, I guess the answer to that, Lily, is but out, not only your fucking business, let us have our own lives. Do keep your remiles coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. The Bugel Podcast

Just time for a quick bugle forecast. John, next week we've got the Lance Armstrong versus Oprah Winfrey. Yes. Showdown. And I'll get what's your forecast for that? Who's gonna craft first? Yeah, the rumors are they're both gonna admit to massive juicing. So, yeah, we'll see, it's going to be a real race to see who can admit a colossal steroid abuse first.

And next week we'll have full world exclusive results from the Winfrey vs Armstrong heavyweight showdown. No other news outlet in the world is going to be covering that. Only on the bugle. Will you hear what's happened? Thanks for listening, bugleers, do keep your emails coming in. And don't forget our SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com slash iPhone bugle. And we'll be back with bugle 220. Next we'll hopefully John will have recovered from his terminal case of massive influenza. Probably not. Yeah, probably not. I mean, he's been a couple of weeks, so it doesn't seem. This might just be how I am from now on. Resign yourself to that.

There you go. Enjoy the sound of that cough, Budalus. That is going to be accompanying you for the next 50 years of this podcast. Goodbye. That is going to be accompanying you for the next 50 years of this podcast. Goodbye! Bye! you