The Bugle - Bugle 223 – Invasion of the Asylugrants

Episode Date: February 8, 2013

Andy and John provide the latest immigration news from each side of the Atlantic, present some car park news and get an email about cats. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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And welcome to issue 223 of the Buegl Audio newspaper for a visual world. For the beginning Monday, the 11th of February, 2013, and welcome to what will hopefully be a full issue of the Buele this week after last week's cyber attack by the forces of technology stole away half of the show we'd recorded first, a chunk of the bugle went missing, then there was a massive power cut at the Super Bowl, next stop Armageddon. But luckily, or un-luckily depending on your view of these things and how much money you've got riding on it, the world did not actually end this week, so we're back. And I am Andy Zoltzman, five time winner

of Britain's least useful man award here in London, joining me from the Ice Age wasteland. That is New York City. It's the man with his finger very much on the funny pulse, which would be a good thing if he wasn't also holding a pillow over funny face. It's John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello, Bughlers.

And Bughlers, I'm sorry that you missed last week, especially Andy's inability to be trusted with the fact that the Bughal had three of the same numbers in it. That was a pretty low grade discipline for Andy. There's basically only into my ears now, only I had to suffer there. Anyway, as a side note to today's Bughal Andy,

I forgot to mention last week, but Rolling Stone had a list of the 50 funniest people in the world right now, Andy, an entirely scientific, not remotely subjective list of the quality of humor provided on the planet. And I was number 26, Andy. Number 20s, think about that for a second. That means there are only 25 potential scenarios in which you could be having a better time right now

Let's try and put that number in context as well Andy because as a guy in Denver was pointing out to me last week The first half of that list are probably all ageing corporate sellouts So you can get rid of them straight away, which means the number 26. It's actually number one Andy That's a maths fact, Andy. And you can't hang him with a maths fact. Well, was I on the list, John? Well, I was on the list, Andy, so, you know, I think you're on basically as well.

Oh, right, cool, awesome. Yeah. I'll take 20-p. What's my, what's my, is yours, Andy? So this is Vuegel 223, which codes are the response. Given what Henry VIII, when asked by one of his new wives, what the optimum number of spare heads, he should bring on their honeymoon was, 223. Also, 11th of February means it'll be on Monday, 363 years to the day, since the 17th century philosophy celeb runner daycart famous for his I think therefore I am catchphrase

Was at home with Mrs daycart who wanted to repaint the upstairs bathroom? René she said I really like this lilac color. What do you think about it? He replied oh nothing. Oh shit. I'm dead now and So so 11th of every national inventors day in the USA. This year's featured inventions, the Super Surface Submarine. That's a submarine that doesn't go underwater, but floats on top. The Silent Hammer for 24 hour DIY without waking up your family, friends, all the person who's trying to barricade into their room for a joke. And the time-saving news toaster, an internet-enabled breakfast accessory

that burns the morning's headlines into your bread to enable you to catch up on all the news without having to waste time listening to the radio. As always, a section of the bugle is going straights in the bin this week. Next Thursday, John, as I'm sure you're very well aware, is Valentine's Day? Oh, yeah, of course. The patron saint of stalking anonymity and putting people in awkward situations. And we have a special Valentine's Day feature section

in the bin this week, we'll look back to the St. Valentine's Day massacre and ask, was that the clumsiest, I love you message in history. We give you tips on how to anonymizadly tell your loved one, you've got the hot for them, without gunning down seven mobsters in a garage. Gather your relationship off to a slightly less conversationly awkward start, would say just a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates, or simply kneecapping a single mobster in a dark

and dally way. We also look at the future Valentine's Day following the British Parliament's vote to legalize gay marriage, despite the objections of traditionalists who concern about the legislation being backdated to force their late grandparents to at least try being gay. And we ask, where will it end? Is the Queen going to be made into a lesbian? Also, we ask, will heterosexual still be allowed to celebrate Valentine's Day? All everyone who wants to valentine someone of the opposite sex, also constitutionally have to anonymously proposition someone of the same or homosex. And we ask, with their traditional belief that Gays should suffer on Earth as well as burning in the fires of eternal hell now under threat, could the innocent Laura Biden

were religious nut job community seek permission to ensure that Gays are compelled legally to have to match the 40% hetero-sexualist divorce rate? That section is in the bin. And John, I'm delighted to announce that after the historic House of Commons votes this week to legalize gay marriage. For the first time in bugle history, homosexuals are allowed to listen to this podcast. Oh, that's good. Only through one if, oh not two. One step at a time. One step at a time. Still a historic moment. It's still not natural.

but at times, it's still a skin that can trip you out of office. And big immigration news on both sides of the Atlantic at the moment, first up, British citizenship. And in Britain, Andy, as you know, the unofficial immigration policy is, we're in Ireland, and there's no room. If we get any more people on this island,

we're going to sink. You're simply too heavy to live here. I'm sorry, good day. I should. Good day. The UK government has introduced a new test for UK citizenship, where applicants will have to correctly answer questions about Britishness ranging from principles of medieval landownership to the invention of the hovercraft and sure, Andy, that seems fair. What immigrants should not have at least a working knowledge of medieval land ownership. Just to be clear, the extent of my knowledge of medieval land ownership is that there was probably land back in medieval times and some people probably owned it. That's the beginning and the end of my knowledge. I think King Arthur lived on some lands, but I'm not sure if he owned it or not. He might have leased it from

that lady that lived in the water. Like I said, I just don't know, but I don't need to know Andy. That's the point, because I'm not applying to be British. I don't need to. I already am British. I'm fully qualified. Oh, you were. You were British, John. The qualification doesn't go away, Andy. I'm not sure that's legally true, but I feel it in my heart. But the new citizenship test is, in terms of more emphasis on British history and achievements than previous versions. So I think it's very important, John, for, would be a silagrants to know about British history, because it means that when they're sitting sitting to immigration test, to see if they're going

to be able to be British enough and they've come up against a question, list the reasons why you and thousands like you're moving away from your own country and trying to move to Britain, you can simply answer British history. Well, you, as well though, you're right. You're right. Let's not, let's not wrap racism in a cloak of claiming that you want to educate people here. Why don't they just write the immigration test

that they actually want to and simply hand potential immigrants a piece of paper with, f*** off written on it. And when they say this doesn't seem to be a question, simply reply, oh, it is, it is a question and you can answer it correctly, by f***ing off. LAUGHTER

The test will also include the achievements of Mottipython, Ruggiaud Kipling and Andrew Lloyd Weber, and are all included in a 180 page home office syllabus, which asks potential citizens to learn about British history, culture and values from the Stone Age to the 2010 general election, when British history ended. Before they take a new and a more tough life in the UK test, as part of the government's intention to dramatically reduce net migration, and I have to say, Andy, I do like the idea of Monty Python featuring on this test, because you can learn a lot about the British psyche

from the fact that we love them so much. Look, you're going to be living in a country where we found these men dressed up as ladies talking in squeaky voices slapping each other with fish and making kikigar jokes. We love them. If you're on board with that, you're more than welcome to Sasha Yin. But British values have, of course, shifted with time and necessity and we've let go some previous values that we used to hold dear, such as enslaving massive numbers of people and invading anywhere that had anything that even looked like it might look smarter than museum.

So these things are always constantly shifting, John, and as the famous ancient Roman soldier gladiator and philosopher Maxima Stes Desmos Meridius himself once said, what we do in life echoes in eternity, by which I think he meant, can't have an Oscar, there is so much blood in this film. But immigration in the 21st centuries is full of these echoes of what Britain has done in its life, you know, to for good and bad

through British history. And look at my daughter's school class, John says, children in her class, about 30 kids in her class. And they come from maybe 15 or more different national and ethnic backgrounds. It's like a living lesson in global and British history. And try to explain to my six year old daughter why children whose families come from all corners

of the world are sharing the same classroom. It's quite difficult without sitting her down and saying, right, you know how around about the end of the last ice age, the land bridge between Britain and continental Europe was flooded, making us an island again. Right, well, it all basically started from there and then a few thousand years later the Romans invaded and so on and so on and so on until as you say history ended in 2010. It might even be easier to go further back to when the first fish climbed out of the sea, all of those millions of years ago and said, I am f***ing done with swimming.

The applicants are going to be expected to score 75% or above in a 24-question multiple choice exam to secure a pass into Britain. And Morgan Groups have attacked the new test as a lampoon of Britishness that made citizenship harder to achieve for all the wrong reasons. And the section on India and Empire in general is likely to slightly wind up any Indians or Pakistanis who are applying because there is a box on the poet Rudyard Kipling with an extra from his poem If and a description of for the most part an orderly transition from Empire to Commonwealth with countries being granted their independence. I'm guessing there's going to be a few hands going up through it in that exam. And he said, excuse me, oh sorry, I just think there's a problem with this

exam paper, unless that's a joke. Yeah, one of your funny, multi-pifing jokes, but I don't think it is because you're not dressed like a lady. Or does orderly transition mean something different in English than I think it does? The test seems to have omitted the fact that over a million people died in communal and religious violence at Britain's withdrawal during the partition in 47. And it would be great if all the questions were that revisionist, Andy, also how peaceful was the transition of power from Britain to India? A, very peaceful, B, remarkably peaceful, C, ridiculously peaceful, or D, I don't wish to live in Britain. Oh, I could go even further and you can actually make people sign guilt disclaimers as part of the test

of solving Britain historically from any blame regarding their country's behaviour. So thank you, just Siner. I, the undecined hereby state that I shall not blame Britain at any point in the future for any action regarding my country of origin at any point in history. Furthermore, any misfortunes my country may have experienced, I shall hereby state we fully brought upon ourselves. I shall henceforth refer to Britain's mapturing skills as perfection and that Britain has an ability to put borders exactly where they were supposed to be. Please don't listen to me anymore, a silagrant. What I don't think is unfair, John, to expect people to move to this country to accept our history for what we've pretended is.

Learn how we live, climb inside our heads. entities. Learn how we live, climb inside our heads. Immigration adverts now and so much is the fear of the influx of Romanians and Bulgarians in Britain. Britain is actually considering launching a negative ad campaign in those two countries to persuade potential immigrants to stay away from the UK, that the UK is essentially not that place, not that nicer place to live. I'm just not sure, Andy, that any other country

will be capable of even thinking of an idea like that, let alone actually considering go through with it. If anything, this could be just typical British modesty, downplaying our country, actually, though, it is genuinely a pile of shit. Honestly, it really is. But it's just the last of kind of people we are, John. The plan, which apparently is going to focus on the downsides of British life,

is one of a range of potential measures to stem immigration to Britain next year when curbs imposed on both country citizens living and working in the UK are going to expire. So I'll report over the weekend quoted one minister saying that such a negative advert would correct the impression that the streets here are paved with gold. This is just amazing stuff Andy, because it's quintessentially English. We are such a negative group of people. The only thing we might actually be able to pull that off, there's no word yet on how the advert might look, whether it's going to try and make Britain just look as horrible as possible, or try and encourage would-be migrants to wake

up to the joys of their own lands. But this is a whole new era for advertisers, Andy. Countries around the world spend millions of dollars on hiring firms to promote them as tourist destinations, come to Britain, feel their history. And it will be amazing to see Advertisement say, don't come to Britain, it really is tremendously overhyped, tremendously. Albania, just as crap, but so much closer. Albania, just as crap, but so much closer. LAUGHTER Eight, four, five, and British tour is four. But we just spent billions of pounds, Andy,

on the Olympics to showcase ourselves as a vibrant modern country. Clearly, we missed a huge opportunity to stage the most negative opening ceremony in Olympics history, focusing on the many reasons never to visit Britain. Well, it just shows, John, that's... A number of people have prepared to take this into their own hands. We had the riots in 2011,

showed our youngsters patriotically trying to make Britain less attractive to foreigners. I mean, you might find a site of teenagers vomiting, uncontrollably in every town centre in the country, every single weekend, a little bit, disappointing perhaps not the fulfilment of the national dream of freedom that our forefathers for all those world wars for. But I see it as their generations done Kirk John, just as our grandparents and great-grandparents got blitzed. So the new generation is getting blitzed in a different way. They share the same ultimate goal to keep Britain independent and British. The government should not be,

I think we did a sketch on this in the department years ago, fact, from a demolition day, a national demolition day where to make Britain less attractive to the asylum groups, just one day we just smash up things like schools and hospitals. And I don't think we are now far away from actually that becoming a government policy.

It's true. They shouldn't let this play down disappointing economic figures either. They should make them sound worse. None of this talk of stability and holding a strong course in difficult times of long-term prosperity. George Osborne should be standing on the dispatch box in the House of the Parliament saying, we are looking at a decade of piss. We should make a pitch for this commercial, Andy.

We could give them the perfect bugle don't come to Britain. Don't come to Britain, it would be the biggest mistake you've ever made. It rains all the time and the food is terrible. The queens are bitch and she's the nicest person in the entire country. If you wanted to join a thriving nation, you're simply 300 years too late. Our best years are way behind us. And we haven't even mentioned the racism. We have derogatory terms for you, whatever nation you're from, that are so racist, they're almost not racist. But believe us, the only people that we hate more than you is each other.

On a Friday night, you're expected to drink until you pass out in the middle of a roundabout. Oh yes, by the way, we have roundabouts. The beauty of them is that they're the easiest imaginable way to die in a car crash. And if you do survive them, you'll wake up into the parochial nightmare that is modern Britain. A one more thing you should know, with so emotionally repressed, we'll never actually be able to express any of this to you and therefore move past it. Instead, we will communicate with you with a mixture of passive aggression and snootiness.

Let us never speak of this ever again. Enjoy your life. I said, good day. Good day to you, sir. I once got drunk the night of my A- level results and fell asleep in a roundabout. Did you take it home in a police car? It's not my proudest moment but I thought this was an appropriate time to share it. It was never going to be a more appropriate one.

Was that after A level, that was when you got the results? That was the day I got my results. I did see the DNA. All right, I see. Yes. There you go. So, was that celebrating or... Commit it or rating?

It was somewhere, it started at one end and ended at the other. Ha ha ha. Hello, Mr. Roundabout. As an amazing side note to all of this, and apparently Romania has already responded by launching a media campaign poking fun at British anxiety about Romania's flooding over to Britain called, why don't you come over? The campaign is trying to convince British people to come and live in Romania with photos of Kate and Pippa Middleton over lines like half of our women look like Kate, the

other half like her sister. Hold on, hold on, Hold on, Remanians. You do not joke about Pipper. Pipper is not for joking, Remanians. Pipper is for enjoying. Oh, sweet Pipper. Don't listen to those nasty Remanians. Oh, beautiful lady. Oh, my God. Have you finished all that one, John? At least verbally, anyway. There are concerns that changes to our immigration laws could restrict the number of skilled

immigrants coming to Britain, including some crucial occupations, including heart specialists, radiologists, radioactive waste managers, petroleum engineers, pediatricians, satirical podcasters, cartoon voiceover artists, and science and mathematics teachers. Now, clearly, I mean, definitely not. Definitely at least in two of those categories, small vacancies, and there were six and a half years ago. But, I was just very economically short-sighted, John, to stop these people coming. Because neither do very important jobs in our country.

But by getting them here, we also stop them doing those, presumably equally, if not more important jobs, in their own countries. Now this gives us a serious competitive edge in the global marketplace. Could you seriously tell me, BNP and other immigration skeptics, that more deaths and stupider children in our competitors' countries is not going to help us get back to being the greatest nation in the world. We need unrestricted immigration for the sake of keeping Britain great.

That is the only way forward job. The US immigration news now, and the obviously America's attitude to immigration has changed a little over the years from giving me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free to something more like a, you know what, we're good on tired poor huddled masses for now. Do you have anything in a fully qualified Indian doctor? Now it seems like immigration reform is finally going to happen here. Now why is that reform happening?

Now is this out of compassion? No, is this out of electoral opportunism? Yes, does that really matter as long as it happens? Well, I suppose not, but it's not really the most poetic way for this to finally take place, is it? I'm sure the Hispanic men were not looking down at their sons for the last hundred years saying, one day, Meeho, one day our community will not live under the fear of having families torn apart. When, Papa, when will this happen?

Ah, I shall tell you, Meeho. It shall happen when one side is reluctantly forced to come to terms with the fact that changing demographics have painted them into a corner, and it must listen to basic mathematics if it's a survive as a political entity. Let us hope so, Papa. Yeah, yes, me, oh. See. Immigrants in America. That's fair enough. Yeah.

Have you ever bought them? Yeah. Can't do all the films themselves, can I? I'm on your toes, Bardem! Immigrants in America, and they have spent years appealing to politicians' hearts. It turned out that they didn't really have any. So they're appealing to their heads instead.

Because the received wisdom is that the White House must achieve immigration reform within the year. Once Congress enters 2014, everything's going to turn to the midterm elections. Republican Congress members are going to turn to the midterm elections, Republican Congress members are going to become increasingly disinclined to risking curing the wrath of extreme parts of their party by voting, yes. I mean, it's also so depressing.

It's so depressingly cynical, a way to get something fundamentally positive from happening. And President Obama had made a big speech about immigration and he made a big play of the difference in immigration and his issue of us and them, saying a lot of folks forget that most of us used to be them. It's really important to remember our history. Unless you're one of the first Americans, a native American, you came from someplace else. And it's a nice sentiment, Andy, name checked

Irish, German, Scandinavians, Poles, Russians, Italians, people in the West Indies, talked about the Huddled masses coming through Ellis Island. It's a nice sentiment and he's not wrong, but it's a bit rich coming from someone who has deported more people than any other US president, Andy. He's president, the Obama administration to port an average of 12,000 more people per month than president Bush did. So I'm glad he's coming around, Andy. But let's not claim that this is the king

of compassionate immigration here. Well, it's good to hear this. And a motive for subjects in America, as well as here, traditionally, of course, both sides of the Atlantic, the political, snookable swung round and round ahead of the politicians and then smashed into the electorate's eye sockets. And both sides you get people bleeding like three-legged sheep

on a snowboard about, this is a sort of supposed wave of immigrants coming over to steal the culture that we'd previously stolen from them and panic generally spreading through the nation like a hedgehog under a steam roller. So I think it's time that we both grow up as a nation, Joel. Ha ha ha ha. Insults news now, listen up, you asshole! And...

Hehehe. Just to get a sense of where Britain is as a country if people do want to immigrate to it. Andy, the crime of insulting someone through words or behavior is apparently to be dropped in the UK. It was a crime which once led to, among other things, the arrest of a student for asking a police officer if his horse was gay. Now, clearly, Andy, that is a ludicrous arrest. That wasn't necessarily an insult. The student might have just known another gay horse and might have wondered whether the two horses would like to go on a horse date, maybe go eat some gay hay somewhere together. But the House of Lords has issued a statement scrapping the ban on insulting words in Britain and the House of Commons have said that they will not seek to overturn it.

And this all goes back to section 5 of the Public Order Act of 1986. Oh, what a section. What a what a section. It currently states that threatening, abusive or insulting words or behaviour may be deemed a criminal offense. Now, unfortunately, the problem with that is that that is a description of how most British people choose to communicate with each other nowadays.

Most families in the UK show their affection for one another through threatening abusive or insulting words and behavior. You and I, Andy, have basically built a lifelong friendship from those actions. Now, that's right. Yeah. Yeah.

This law does not acknowledge, Andy, that our language in Britain has evolved, or devolved, to the point that some people use some of the most offensive words in the English language as terms of endearment. Do you, Beth, take this f*** out and need to be your stupid f***ing husband? Oh, I do. I do! Well, it's better that you know, you communicate through verbal insults such as this, rather than, you know, the royal family used to communicate through massive world wars with each other's countries, so... Ha, ha, ha! The... The Theresa May, the Home Secretary secretary said, I respect the review taken by their Lordchips, they had concerns

which I know are shared by some in this House that Section 5 encroaches upon freedom of expression. Now, there's always a careful balance to be struck between protecting our proud traditional free speech and taking action against those who cause widespread offense with their actions. She said that the government had supported the retention of the word insulting to prevent people swearing at police officers, protesters burning poppies or similar scenarios. But the problem with Andy, that is exactly the kind of time when you need the retention of insulting words. If someone is burning a poppy, it's very important that you retain

the right to call them a f*****. It, it's not then when Andy, plus the English language has been forged over centuries through by exquisitely articulate insults. Shakespeare once wrote that thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows. Winston Churchill compared Char de Gaulle to a female llama who has been surprised in the bath. I don't quite get the reference from Big Winston there, but it sounds insulting.

Even though it also insinuates that Winston Churchill had seen a female llama in the bath, he certainly seemed pretty confident in his point of reference there, so to be fair, I think that insult asks more questions than it actually answers. So, the stuff suggested that the Germans might have been using pantomime llamas as spies. The point of thought is insults are an important part of our national dialogue, Andy, and they cannot be taken away from us, you f***. Well, if it was a crime at the time, I want the name and addresses of all 400 people who in the Manchester comedy store, December 22nd to go to.

Ha ha ha ha. horse meat scandal latest now and economy savoury foods manufacturer omnis nowt has claimed that it is now fully confident that its beef products contain a maximum of 49% horse meat. After tests revealed that an omnis nowt cottage pie filling contained 0% beef rather than the 120% beef proclaimed on the packaging, the company has quotes reeducated its supply chain to affect, they quote, majority de-questionisation. The piles reveal to contain a combination of horse meat, woodchippings, commemorative figurines of cows, vegetarian concrete, Barbie dolls, condor, walrus and traces of up to 50 separate autobiographies of professional golfers, including Monty by Colin Montgomery, Leet Revenos, they call me Supermex, Bernhard Langez, getting the whole shot at

Pallon! Jim Furek, I'm Jim Furek, if you've got a golf problem with that, and Nick Faldos, and Nick Faldos, Alarashier's Duke golf balls per du. One pie was even found to contain not only three quarters of the air from a horse's nostril, but also fragments of a jockey's racing silks and a torn-up betting slip from the prominent French racetrack long shone. So Gravel Bulk, the managing director of Omnis now, said, whilst I understand that our customers are disappointed to find that they had unwittingly eaten bits of horse penis,

we can assure them that from now on they will only be eating mashed up cow's finkters, as they'd come to expect and demand, and love. With regard to our Omnis now budget gobudget gobble-chops allegedly containing dogthroat rat-nut and hedgehog tool, we would like to emphasize that the quality of the food was not affected. It was no more dangerous than usual and slightly cheaper. Plus, it should be remembered that these items are considered delicacies in some cultures anyway. The presence of jail ignite was, we insist, an administrative error caused by overhastey ordering by an employee who was very drunk,

and it was in negligible quantities, very few of the food products actually exploded and were probably have done so anyway, had gelatin menus to planned. So Gravel who was knighted in 2003 for his services to unrealistically cheap food added, the reconstitutions of our products will continue to be absolutely and legally edible. We can assure our customers that we're doing everything in our power to ensure no such controversies arise again and they never have to think about what is in our products whilst cooking them, eating them, or attempting to digest them. Extremely dead king news now, and finally the waiting is overueglers, after so much speculation. It has been confirmed in the last week that former English king, Richard III, is definitely dead.

The British Glenmiller is now confirmed, expired due to wound sustained in the process of being killed in a battle in the year 1485. After a remains found in a car park in Leic Lester approved to have DNA links to his descendants and extraordinary story particularly how they found these these remnants in this this kind of car park, John, I guess yeah whoever was looking for the skeleton of Richard that must have must have just had a bit of a hunch. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's just a one-off, that's just a hit and run mate.

Hit and run, one-off. It's just, you've occasionally said it's a one-off andy. Yeah, no, no, I'm doing six to seven minutes. No, not look mate. Of hump based. I think, I think that was a justifiable joke that, you know, you would have been remiss if you'd done a whole, a story on...

Yeah, surprisingly fine, I'm even Punching the sentence that you're in right now. I'm on edge Surprisingly finding the skeleton of a king's been dead for 500 years who famously had yeah, a hunchback without using The words had a bit of a hunch. I mean, I'm not can't see how anyone could have done that So I understand I'm just on high pun alert even now I've been clean. I've been clean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've been see how anyone could have done that. So I understand. I'm just on high pun alert, even now. I've been clean. I've been clean. Yeah, yeah, six weeks. I've been clean for six weeks. Yeah. Yeah, but that's so simple.

I think you're supporting this, John. Oh, Richard III, of course, pretty divisive in life, participant in a 25-year civil war that ripped England apart. Pretty divisive in death. The victim of what support to say was an orchestrated smear campaign by gutter playwrights like William Shakespeare. And now still divisive in the after-death John, an argument has broken out between York, the city franchise that Richard represented when King and Lester, where his body was found or his hung out for the last 527 years,

both claiming they should get to look after his wonky corpse. And that just shows how, as you can have an argument with about anything in this country, John. Arguing over a 500-year-old dead king where he gets to live. That's what a controversial issue that Civil War was as well. Famously, Richard's last words, according to Shakespeare, were, a horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse and that's classic panic buying in wartime John instant inflation in the price of horse and apparently the the Lankessheden forces replied will a cheap burger do instead? Boom! Boom! Is this on? I'm set tired! I think that I think those were probably

pronounciate words and they think it's final words I'm set tired. I think that, I think those were probably pronouncing it words. I mean, these are final words I'm recording probably. I just hope that one day I'm not found underneath the car park. That's it, that's it from me. I'm about to die now. I just, please, just not a car park. Because that just seems ridiculous. So no car parks, otherwise I'm good.

Okay, a horse. But there's been a lot of discussion about Richard III, one of the most opinion splitting monarchs in British history. It's very hard to get an understanding what he was really like because of the partisan reporting of the time. Most of the media at the time was owned by powerful business and political interests, so it's very hard to get an objective picture of the real man. Does that sound a tall familiar to anyone?

America! It's an objective picture of the real man. Does that sound a tall familiar to anyone? America. Oh, boom again, yeah. Cause we have scrupulously fair and independent media in this country. Some claim rich was a good fair king and a champion of the common man, such as historian John Rouse at the time. Others take an opposite view,

including historian John Rouse, who changed his early position once it was clear who'd won that civil war, and portrayed Richard as a freakish individual born with teeth and shoulder-length hair after having been in his mother's womb for two years. Very much the Fox news of his day. It's proved a big boost as well for tourism in the city of Leicester. Helen Fairhead from Leicester'ship promotion said that the new exhibition of Richard III based around the dig for his body has given a boost to tourism in the city. This is extremely exciting for us. She said, I've never known anything quite as phenomenal as this in our region.

In terms of the impact it will have on local tourism and the economy. Now, with all due respect, a lester, particularly as I'm doing a gig there, next weekend with lots of new material, roll up, uglis, roll up. It is a bit of a worry if the most exciting thing in your tourism history is digging up a 500-year-old corpse. LAUGHTER MUSIC PLAYS FIRE PLAYS FIRE PLAYS FIRE

Your emails now, and we have a great email here from Alex Thomas, who says, dear Andy Chris and John, in order of enjoyment of puns, that is the correct order. No one can enjoy them less. Is that reverse order or not? Or a... I don't think so. I've just donated to help save the bugle, they'll want, can enjoy them less. Is that reverse order or not? Or a... I don't think so.

I've just donated to help save the bugle, but I felt they might be more that I could do, so I came up with the following limerick. There is a great podcast, the bugle, which sadly has to be frugal. Give them some money so they can be funny, find their donation page with Google. Very nice, Andy.

I thought about writing a high-cure as well, so, Alex, but while crafting the composition, I realised your scheme to subliminally high-cue at all, the opening, the bugle podcast, audio newspaper for visual world. It's in fact one of the many high-cues you've hidden within the bugle. I'm sure you're doing it for our own good, but with great power comes great ability to screw things up. All the best Alex Thomas, PS don't screw up. So, again, I love a passive aggressive email Andy. Yeah. That's cool. Thanks very much for your donation and approach.

Don't forget you can, in fact, we're going to extend the 2% off your donation offer for another week because it's proof so popular. So still, 2% off a figure of your own choosing. This email came in from Miriam in New Zealand, who writes, Andy Zoltzcat, John Miallever, and Per Jussa Chris,

in order of how much I want to name a cat after you. That's it. That's what I would call cats if I named them after you. You're Miriam New Zealand. Let's listen, Andy. It burned intensely with a fire of bullshit, and it's intensely made it brief. That would say, short, completely nonsensical email, and I love it. And we have an email here from Amy Carole from Arlington, Massachusetts, who says, dear

John and the increase, I was recently asked by a friend to sign his petition, asking President Obama to come on his cable access show, and I like a good friend did so. After electronically signing said petition, I became curious as to what exactly people at President's petition in the White House forum began browsing the various active petitions. Boy was I surprised. Among the 279 active petitions was the following, all signature accounts are accurate at the time this email was sent. One, require that all civilian firearms be painted pink, 1,631 signatures, two, make dance educations to be worth doing, surely. I think there was no way that Matt would not help gun crime,

but exactly. It would definitely, I'm not saying it would solve the problem of gun violence, but it would certainly assist it. And any idea is a good idea at this point. Partition number two, make dance education a right of every child at any level of schooling, 655 signatures. Three, the president should pick a date of his choosing and declare that day as gun appreciation day. Oh boy. 1,642 signatures.

And grant, at position number four, grant Kennedy Center honours to William Shattner, Leonard Nimoy, George Takao, Walter Kenning and Nicheal Nichols, 1,179 signatures. But the one that stuck out the Mugsby was titled the following, declare the Monday following the Super Bowl a national holiday. Now having just watched the bitterly disappointing and Beyoncé-centric Super Bowl, I was not surprised at the idea that some Baltimore Ravens fans thought this up. However, I was shocked to learn that said petition was created 10 days ago and in that time acquired 14,424 signatures. Could this be a thing? Could the Monday after Super Bowl actually

become a holiday? Essentially giving the entire country a day to recover from a bad hangover I'll be eagerly eagerly checking to see if this little engine could actually get 100,000 signatures by February 23rd their deadline who's with me best Amy Carol so well there you go Andy Isn't democracy funny? This email came into our In-house bugle Agony Aunt and to do send your own queries in. And it came from a Chris aged 58, formerly from the Westminster area of London, who described himself as a former cabinet minister and until this week a member of Parliament.

And he says, do a bugle Agony Aunt. My wife and I had a bit of a falling out a while ago, in which I allegedly made her take the rap for my speeding offence, before I then went on to have an affair with a member He says, and my personal reputation, my probable jailing, as well as untold family ruckians, and the lively possibility of her self also being centiprism for perving all over the course of justice. So tell me, Bugle Agonyante, do you think our relationship has any future? Well Chris, I'm going to take a lot of rebuilding work. I'm not a relationship expert, but I think I think I mean it doesn't look good currently. Those are a lot of issues to work through, but you know step by step. So that's all for this week's bugle. I don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. Do not forget to take advantage of the extended 2% off your bugle voluntary subscription

until next week only when we'll probably extend it again until we do with Marist's sustainable business plan for this podcast Lent begins this week, Johnny, you're giving anything up for? Of course, of course, yeah, of course, everything, I'm giving everything up, Andy I'm gonna be like a camel. I'm not, I'm eating and drinking and storing it up in my hump. My lovely lady, Homs. So that's it.

Everything. Because Fetsum, D-Sutton, what other celebrities are getting up for Lent's, singer Taylor Swift is laying down her chainsaw for 40 days. There are hardly any trees left in my neighborhood admitted the amateur tree slayer. So I'm gonna put Larissa in the shed for six weeks and let them grow back.

Then come Easter, all bets are off. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Whilst America's Nobel Prize Science ace, Richard F. Heck, is giving up palladium-catalyzed cross-couplings in organic synthesis. Sure, he said, I won my Nobel Prize for it, but there is such a thing as too much palladium-catalyzed cross-coupling in organic synthesis. And former tennis ace, Suzanne Longlon, is giving up breathing. She said at a press conference, I did lay off oxygen big time in 1938 when I died, but

I thought I might as well formalize it now. Whilst actor and statesman Arnold Schwarzenegger is giving up playing ping-pong, it affects the way you look at the world he went. And especially at tables, I just far myself looking at any table thinking, could I string a little net across that and ping some pong all over it. So that's it, Spieglers. Thanks for listening. We did say I think in the re-recorded intro for last week show that we'd have the Marley bit that was lost last week, but we're going to save that for next week because we did it.

Yeah, just trusting the fact that Marley is still going to be an issue. But you can imagine that we had recorded it again this week and it'd been lost again. That makes you feel better about it. Yeah. Until then, goodbye. Bye! TheBugelPodcast about it. Yeah. So then, goodbye. Bye! TheBugelPodcast.com. Click.

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