The Bugle - Bugle 228 – Rome’s most eligible bachelor

Episode Date: March 14, 2013

We have a new pope and he is 76 years young! Andy and John welcome him. Plus, amazing phone news and dog TV Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, me Euglers and welcome to issue 228 of the Bugle Audio newspaper for a visual

world for the week beginning Monday, the 18th of March 2013 with me and his ultimate, the laughter crafter who gives birth to the moth, then suckles, chuggles at the tits of wits. And I'm live in the city of... L-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l- in which graph there is communication technology from New York City. It's the snega digger who unshackles gackles from the Chorple Portal and serves them up for the humour consumer with quip drips before planting his gag flag on the moon of lampoon. It's the Doctor of Comedy himself, open your mouth and say, ah, it's John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello, Puggles.

I was in Virginia this weekend, the shooting part of a piece. And we know first a little background about the great state of Virginia. Yes, Virginia is for lovers, Andy. That's true. Virginia is also for lunatics. I think that might actually be a much more

appropriate state motto for Virginia. It would certainly make for better t-shirts. I was just two sides of the same coin, John, lovers and lunatics. As Chris Yunan is wife would testify. I would Google it, viewers. At one point, I found myself in a gun range, Andy Virginia, firing a fully automatic AR-15.

It's a machine gun, Andy. It's a fucking machine gun. You know, the kind that Rambo used to kill pretend people and the other people used to kill actual people. And I remember thinking after I fired off around 30 rounds in just a few seconds, I do remember thinking, how the f*** am I being allowed to do this? Because I'm pretty sure that's not what the founding fathers had in mind when they wrote the Second Amendment, Andy. That discussion is something of a hot topic here, of course.

The topic's so hot that they're just to engage in it, can burn your face off. But holding a weapon, that powerful, can really make you think. I'm fairly sure the founding fathers would have no problem with muskets. They'd have no problem with handguns. But fully automatic machine guns, I'm not so sure, Andy. And after firing one, I'm even more not sure. In fact, I'm so not sure, I'm absolutely positive, they think he was completely crazy, because if Thomas Jefferson went to a gun range and he put a machine gun

in his hand, within seconds of pulling the trigger, he'd have sprayed bullets all the way up the ceiling, and be cowering in the corner in shock saying, what the f*** was that? Holy shit! What madness lies in that their boom boom stick! No civilian can be allowed near these things surely. What? They are? How? The second amount? Are you f***ing crazy? That is not remotely what we intended that to be used for. But before you send me back to the past, can I just have one more go?

Oh yeah! How am I being allowed to do this? So you're not tempted to get fully tiled up, John? Oh, no one's saying it's not fun, Andy. No one would fire a machine gun and say that was not a fun experience. It's just whether it should be allowed. That's all. Well, I've been in Glasgow this week for a couple of days and I stayed in the same hotel as the rapper Nio Jon.

Oh, I was told anyway. I don't actually see him there. I was told he was there. Did you not run the corridors in the night calling for him? Nioh! Nioh! Well, I always assumed he was called that because he was from New York and I was an trainer of the shorthand secretary. But in fact, it's not so. He's actually called Nioh because that's how he likes to start conversations with the horse. No, you know. But ironically, London, where I am from, is called London, after the influential 1950s Scottish Skiffle music legend, Lonnie Donigan, who played in the city and had a string of hit singles. Previously, before that, before the 50s, the conurbation was also known as London.

That goes back to Norman Times when the Norman, the France-based franchise took over England and set up London's first financial market where they traded donkeys and donkey derivatives. Now donkey and French is of course, land, land and the donkey derivatives being agriculturally crucial manure or dung, hence land and a pronunciation which survives in parts of the city today.

So where's other parts? They stick with the Lonnie Donovan pronunciation, London. So there we go. A bit factfully. I'll be, I'll be, Nioh. I have no idea, Andy, that he's inadvertently spawned such bullshit just by being in a hotel. So yeah, but are you yours? Me, yoh. It's just by being in a hotel. Is it buddy ears? Me, yo. Well, I mean, I think it was a buddy of mine. We've not met.

Right, yeah. I mean, it's a one-way buddy up. That's one of his songs, one-way buddy up. So this is Buegel 228. We're recording, the original number of eggs that Paul Newman was going to eat in the famous egg eating scene in Kool-Han Luke, largely because they had a work experience props girl who came back from the shops with quails eggs instead of hens eggs, but the scene took too long and lacked authenticity.

So, and a section in the bin this week, we're recording Friday the 15th of March, which means it is the historic 2056th anniversary of Julius Caesar having his irredeemably Roman clogs forcibly popped by a group of his buddies, including Brutus Cassius and the load of cranky senators, who decided he got too big for his calliguy and bumped him off, Julius Caesar. Of course, the 10 times Tempers magazines, Homo of the Annas, but we ask you, and our section has been, who is the greatest JC in history? Is it Julius Caesar, Jesus Christ, Jackie Collins or Jennifer Connelly, and we'll reveal the answer in our section in the bin. Can we actually run a survey on the Facebook page for that? ...TOP STORY THIS WINK!

O-le-o-le-o-le-o-le! There's a pop pop pop pop! P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p The Papal Conclay. That was very much the unspoken subtext of all the news reports. Yes, that's right. They just didn't have the balls to actually say it, or sing it say it. And the Papal Conclay clearly didn't take too long to put his fingers down his throat and throw up a Pope. Because on Wednesday, after just two days of discussion, white smoke, billowed out of the Sistine Chapel and the Catholic Church,

took a bold new step into the future. By electing an old white man with reactionary views on homosexuality and birth control, but wait, this one speaks Spanish! So it's different! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, other than Pope Francis. There is a man who is playing really hard to get. LAUGHTER Yeah, it's an interesting choice of name. After almost 2,000 years of waiting, we finally have the first ever Pope Frank,

which is great news for everyone. As you say, they did... Yeah. They concleft the shit out of that decision. They really concleft it beautifully. Or concleaved it. I don't know. What's the past tense of that? I like concleaved. Concleaved sounds, but they both sound nice, they're both nice to say,

but I go con cleaved. It's the first ever Pope from South America, Argentinian, from Buenos Aires, Bishop of Buenos Aires, and in his old thing, Pope speech, my Latin is a little bit rusty, but the first thing he said was, we in the Vatican city now lay claim to the Falkland Islands. So, I'm... And then also a big hip hop fan, he wowed the crowd by saying, I love it when you call me Big Popper. And he also said this,

these are other touching words, said this is a wonderful journey from infinity back to infinity. And sorry, no, that wasn't actually the poker, that was a deranged man talking to himself on the tube on the way into the house of that. But it couldn't be in the Pope. And I think, you know, who does that tell you more about the Pope or the man on the tube?

Well, it tells us an equal amount about both of the man thing. And the fact that I wrote it down, it probably tells you something about me. Yeah, that's right. I think that's much more, the bigger lesson is there. So let's take a closer look at the man who has seized this opportunity with both flippers. And the man who will presumably,

have asked the question on his very first morning as Pope that all of us want an answer to, which is how, with all the money that the Vatican has, do they not have robot butlers? It just makes no sense, Andy. So there's a lot of firsts that this Pope is. Pope Francis is the first ever Pope Francis. He's also the first Jesuit to be Pope. Also the first Pope from outside Europe in a thousand years, over a thousand years. Also the first Pope from the Americas. Also apparently the first Pope to have wind beneath

my wings as his karaoke and I quote, go to June. Also, John, he's the first Pope with only one lung. Yes, that's true. Which is one, because you know, I clearly are reaching out to the Catholic community in South America, reaching out beyond the Vatican's traditional papal breeding grounds of Europe to more of the world's 1.2 billion Catholics, and also reaching out to animals who only have one lung, which predominantly are snakes, as we know from my stag weekend in Scotland.

But it's good to see that big spring built by the Catholic Church. It's funny because it's been tricky between us and the snakes, ever since the whole evening Apple business. So that's great to choose a poke who can relate, who snakes can relate to on a, just in terms of your body issue. Yeah, apparently he had a lung removed when he was a teenager due to an infection, which it means he's a one lung poke, but that really sticks into the other cardinals, Andy, who couldn't become pope,

even though they had twice as many lungs as he did. I mean, it's pathetic when you think about it. Also, the first Pope for over 300 years to have a tattoo. From some angles, it looks like Jesus blessing a donkey, but from others, it looks like Jane Mansfield and a Vikini cleaning a car windscreen. But that's the 1950s for you, isn't it? Well, let's look at his Pope, Stats Andy. He can fire off 32 prayers a minute with no warm-up.

He's batting 326, getting present to heaven with those presents, scoring position. He takes a papal rope size medium and a papal headgear size maximum. He can run 100 meters in full papal regalia in less than 45 seconds. And he's record in fist fights with other popes. He's currently zero wins, zero losses.

But that may be amended after he meets with Pope Benedict. We'll have to re-up those stats. He was very much an outsider, had becoming Pope, most betting sites had him at around 33 to one. So congratulations, if for some inexplicable reason, you were betting on that. Why wouldn't you build it? It would be an amazingly strange response, Andy.

Someone in some pre-t Peter Square, as the news came out, and the new Pope is Jorge, Mario, Bugolio. Yes! Yes! Well, I'm so glad you feel so passionately that these are right choice for the church. Oh, never mind that. I just want 300 grams! How I f***in' knew you? Well, just, I don't know if you saw that. There 800 grams, how life, in Luria! I don't know if you saw that there was a lot of letter in St Peter's Square after the crowd had dispersed. Maybe it's just a lot of betting slips. Oh, shit. I thought the Brazilian was a shillin.

Perhaps that's why the Cardinals were not allowed cell phones in their Andy. He didn't want them to be tempted to go in big just before the white smoke went up. It is a little strange that he was seen as such a long shot as he was apparently the second choice of the Conclave that elected Pope Benedict eight years ago. So you know, never the bride's made, never the bride, Andy, but now he's the Pope. He's Gary Goblet service.

He's God's official answer phone. I'm afraid God's not available right now, but if you leave a message with me, he'll get right back to you. Ardentinian Pope, that's very, I mean, I like like you John Holt hope for a Brazilian Pope for a, you know, a Flair Pope. Flair, a Flair Pope, that's pretty good. Pope Alvin, you know, but we didn't get that. But if Ardentinian Catholicism is anything like Ardentinian football, he's probably not afraid of a challenge and that is a good quality in a book because there are a lot of challenges facing the Catholic church. spiritual renewal he talked about and that's only true because somewhere on the line, in parts of the Catholic church Jesus' teachings of peace, tolerance, love and avoiding institutionalized child abuse

scandals and even more institutionalized cover-ups of those scandals. But it's not been applied with quite as much religious fervorous as they might have been. He warned that the Catholic Church would become quote, a compassionate NGO without spiritual renewal. Now, which is a slightly odd thing to say, really. And also as if compassion is something that they cannot possibly afford to be associated with.

Yeah, because what being a compassionate NGO really be that bad. When you're warning people about something, aren't you supposed to use an example that doesn't sound inherently appealing? Unless we confess to Christ, we'll become the food equivalent of a creamy chocolate declare.

And no one wants that, right? Hold on, who's stomach just rung on? I don't think you're getting the point that I'm trying to get across here. When I actually read it, I thought that's what he said that his aspiration was. It's like, now my new reign is in, we're going to become a great compassionate NGO. I thought brilliant. Yeah, that's the opposite of what he wants. No, that was the absolute end point of the worst hypothetical decisions that could be made. It was the opposite of what he was saying.

And he explained it by saying, what would happen would be like when children make sandcastles and then it all falls down. Well, for a start, I think the Catholic Church has had enough trips to the beach with children. But also, what happens when children make sandcastles and they fall down is usually, you go back to the hotel and get some supper before saying, okay, kids, you've had three days on the beach tomorrow, it's mummy and daddy's turn to choose. We're going to a f***ing water park. Much has been made of Pope Francis' lifestyle of work with the poor in Argentina and his commitment to a humble lifestyle. He lived among the poor back home, choosing not to take

the opulent residence that he was absolutely entitled to as Bishop of Buenos Aires. He rode a bus to work, wore an ordinary robe, and lived with an older priest in a simple apartment where he cooked his own meals. He's a famously humble man, and he not fond of flashy things, which really makes you think, well, good luck living in the f***ing Vatican then.

Because that place is the epitome of opulence. That place makes most rappers mansions look like humble Argentinian priest dwellings. It's literally designed to make you think, oh, wow, if they're this successful, maybe there's something in this whole Catholic thing. Does it suggest that you might be thinking about a lick of paint in the cysteine chapel,

just to kind of plain magnolia cellar. Yeah, just, right, exactly. Two flash, isn't it? It's two flash, let's just get a kind of a corn yellow in there, just over the, just, oh, it's just an egg shell white. You know what, corn yellow is two flash, you just, let's go, let's go egg shell white. Maybe a yucker plant in a corner,

or some dry flash. He's first, he's first tweet this Pope Pope was Habimus Papum Francesco. Which, look, let's be honest, that sounds like a spell, Andy. Was he trying to turn a cardinal into a frog or was he trying to erase everybody's memory of the last 20 years? Translating from the Latin, it means we have a new Pope Francis.

And I like that, Andy, especially if he keeps refers himself for his whole papacy in the third person. Pope Francis feeling great today. Pope Francis just prayed up a storm. Pope Francis got hungry, so Pope Francis just demolished a carbonara. And his final tweet, the devil, he tried acting up, but Pope Francis don't play that shit.

Hashtag four realsies. Also being an Argentinian Pope, I'm probably not afraid of a big chunk of beef, which is good news for him, John, because a couple of hundred years away from his new home, instant Peter Square, is a sensationally good steakhouse with a fridge full of dead cow by the entrance. So I assume he's going to be heading straight down there. Absolutely straight there. Francis, name himself after St. Francis of Assisi, he was the patron saint of animals, often portrayed with a bird on his hands, possibly explaining why he's also the patron saint's

of handwashing and the patron saint of latex gloves. The very famous story about St. Francis, John, he was traveling with his buddies and he came across some trees that were jam-packed full of birds. So he told his palester stop whilst he preached to his sisters the birds and the birds came flocking down to him. Hey look folks, he said they flocked to me. The little flappy flat pounds. I think they really just really love my voice because I'm amazing. Sure, some frances said his friends, you might like to factor in the fact that you're wearing a jacket made of seeds. Yes, I like to dress snappy sense in frances. What's wrong with that? Well, you're gonna have to buy a new jacket. That's all all right, Aristotle, but I fucking suck in it. Just because you can't older tune Guys a great book is now, it's a great. It's a really a whilst indeed. That was a really great book

Although Dawa in appearance this Pope apparently has a sense of humor Although Dawa in appearance, this Pope apparently has a sense of humor apparently so, and his first dinner as Pope on Wednesday night, he reportedly toasted his fellow cardinals with a prayerful quip, may God forgive you for what you have done. And that's a bold joke, Andy, because that might be an intense moment for a cardinal to in there. Oh shit, how do you find out about that? I thought I'd gone away with that, I was so careful. Oh wait, what are you talking about? Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, you were joking about us picking you as poker. Yeah, me too. Me too. I was definitely joking

too. I was just acting like someone who has a terrible secret that he'd be keeping for decades as a goof. I love jokes. Can someone possibly next to napkin please? It's feeling very hot in here. Interestingly, the vat is going to finally reveal what goes into the, create the smoke that is revealed, that reveals whether or not a pope has been chosen, and the black smoke, when it's not been chosen, and the white smoke for when they have made the decision. Both, according to the New York Times report, made with fairly standard pyrotetnic formulas. Black smoke made using potassium per chlorate, anthracene, that's a component of colta,

and also the name of one of Tom Cruise's children, sulfur, the name of another one of Tom Cruise's children. Whereas the white smoke is made using potassium chlorate, milk sugar, which apparently is an easily ignitable fuel, and pine rosin, plus to give it its distinctive white colour, one kilogram of cocaine, three polar bear cubs and a small pricketer. But interestingly, do you know this? Legally, smoking bands cannot be legally enforced on Catholics if they claim they're thinking

about electing a new Pope whilst was puffing on the scene. Yeah, that is a good idea. I just... Oh, I wonder who it's going to be. Of course, there's been an international reaction to it. A lot of people expressing delight that there's a Pope from a new part of the world, and as you'd expect, there's a lot of the great and the good of the world, have been waiting with their opinions, including the official spokesman for humanity that is the former wrestler, the Iron Shake, who has appeared

on recent bugles and has become fast, elevated himself into the absolute a-list of bugles, celebrities. He said he tweeted this. Because it was his birthday today, as we record John, he's 70 years old today. And he tweeted this, if the Pope don't call me, wish me the happy birthday, I'd never respect him. And I beat the f***ing shits out of him, make him humble. What I found myself increasingly doing, Adi, is looking back over major moments in recent history and then looking back over the tweets from that time from the Iron Sheet,

because it's interesting to see reacting in real time to unfolding events. For instance, before the paper announcement on Wednesday, you could tell that it was shaping out of here an important day. As his first tweet that day was, f*** the Wednesday. That's it.

That is idiosyncratic take on good morning. I make a whole... Just a shep old denoted fan, we don't know. Then after the white smoke was released, but before the name of the new Pope was announced, he tweeted, respect to me, they have the white medicine smoke and I'd be happy.

I'd be the new Pope, everyone c*** yourself if you don't vote for the legend. It's, it's an only Andy. If the iron chic was Pope, he would be the first Iranian and only the 84th crazy person he left. At this point, he's done enough, Andy. There's no need for him to tweet again for the rest of the day. We couldn't reasonably expect any more from him, but a while later he tweeted, and I quote, f*** the breadcrumb dick site.

What's with that? That's pretty much, John. That is, again, that's the subtext of Pope Francis is in Orchardal speech. They're from on the same page, just using different language. It would have been a phenomenal way for Pope Francis to have ended his first blessing, Andy, just wrapping up saying, I will now give my blessing to you and to the whole world, to all men and women of good will, brothers and sisters, I am leaving you.

Thank you for your welcome, pray for me, and I will be with you again soon. We will see one another soon. Tomorrow I want to go to pray the Madonna that she may protect Rome. Good night and sleep well. Oh and the breadcrumb dig Satan. Is this on? Is this thing on? I think it's because he was doing it in Latin. It could easily have got away with it, John. I don't think anyone would have picked it up. If I don't think anyone knows what he actually said, because no one's actually spoken Latin for 2000 years. So, you know, and people are just assuming,

they just could take an educated guess on what it is he's banging on about. I just say there were warm wishes, warm welcomes for the new Pope from all over the world. But my favorite statement came from Mahmoud Azab, who's the official spokesman for alizar Sunni is lambs higher seat of learning whose statement simply read we are hoping for better relations with the Vatican after the election of the new pope

And the beauty of that statement Andy is that you can pretty much cut and paste it from any time in the last thousand years Oh, if they literally dust that sentence off every time a new Pope is announced and they release it with a long sigh, we're hoping for better relations with a Vatican after the election of a new Pope. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. One of the most interesting pieces of reaction came from Pope Francis' very own sister who told a newspaper that he had confided in her that he never wanted to become Pope. That's two in a row, Andy. Maria Elena Bergoglio, who's 12 years younger than the 76 year old Pontiff, said that he never wanted to be Pope and now faced quotes a lifetime of infinite loneliness. Now, without that in the job advert for start wanted, very old, preferably unmarried man to be PR executive for

prominent global franchise? Salary £20,000 plus generous pension of eternal bliss. Must be must be able to say oops sorry and at least 10 different languages, strict dress code, no dress down days but you can work from home. Must be prepared for a lifetime of infinite loneliness. Also that's just not what you want your sister to say. When you've just started a new job, that's not helping, is it? I mean, looking at it, someone is not getting a Christmas present this year. She's blown it, John.

And she could have been in line for a real doozy this year. Now that her brother is the earthly representative of Santa Claus. Besides, I did always think a lifetime of infinite loneliness was an old Catholic advertising slogan and also a review for one of my Edinburgh shows. Apparently Pope Francis plans to visit his predecessor at Benedict, although it won't be in the next couple of days. Correspondents have been describing this as an important visit when it happens, pointing

out that the existence of a living, retired Pope has prompted fears of a possible rival power. So the visit clearly means only one thing, Andy, a papal fight to the death. Two popes enter, one Pope leaves. Because nothing could calm people down more, Andy, I'm sure, than seeing Pope Francis emerge from that meeting in a blood-stayed robe saying, it is done. There can only be UNO Pope. Now, interestingly, it's the first Jesuit Pope ever.

Yes. Now, a lot of people have said that and I'm sure a lot of people, a lot of people have like me have absolutely no idea what a Jesuit is. So we're going to have a competition. If you can tell us, answer this multiple choice question correctly, tell us what is a Jesuit? You will win yourself a cardinal. So, it's more to you how did the name Jesuit come about? Was it A, because they began as priests who dressed up in Jesus' suits, hence the abbreviation G-Suit, which became pronounced Jesuit? Was it B, because from the early Christians who were persecuted by Romans, and as well as fighting lions in the arena, they would also be forced to take parts in alcohol-drinking contests, and they would warn their Roman oppressors when plastered to the brink of oblivion that they would reap divine vengeance with the words,

Jezuue! Jezuue! Was it C? Because the Jesuits who originally, a French order of monks, renowned for their devotion to their literal pin-up boy Jesus Christ. And whenever they played their trademark who am I guessing game, they would begin by saying, just sweet, and someone would immediately buzz in and guess, Jesus, in every way they'd be right, and a disappointed audience would touch in disappointment, hence the origin, just sweet. Or was it D because their Roman Catholic order founded by Sentech, Nations of Loyola in 1534, to defend Catholicism against the Reformation, and to do missionary work among the heathen. So, IBC or D.

In other news, an Israeli TV company, Andy, has recently launched a channel just for dogs. Programs on Dog TV are developed by trainers to comfort canines, left home alone, with special colours that dogs can see and soothing music. And this is a nice idea Andy, I love dogs and you know what I always want them to be comfortable but I must admit that I do really feel like these royally should be spending absolutely all their time and effort on negotiating a lasting piece in the Middle East and not on Dog TV. Don't get me wrong, Andy.

I love the idea, the concept of Dog TV is strong, but why not leave it until later and have it as a treat? You know, the cherry on the top of a Middle East Sunday. Something to aim for. I think you'll reward. You're looking at this completely the wrong way, John, because Dog TV will be judged by history as to be the catalysts for an eternal solution to the Middle East crisis. Because the problem is, you know, if I'm glad you said eternal solution there, Andy, and not the other kind of solution that was proposed.

The, the, the, the, the, every time, every time the word solution comes up there, I just think you've got to change that word as well. It's got some authority that you can't use the word solution, even that has been poisoned. The cause, we've had peace talks on and off for what now, what, five, six thousand years. And they've never quite reached fruition. A lot of it is because the respective leaders have to go home to let their dog out so they don't disgrace themselves on the carpet. So, you know, now you have dog TV. Then, you know, your marmuda basses, your Benjamin Netanyahu's, the likes of them, they can leave their dogs at home and think, right, I'm now fully focused on resolving this millennia old

political issue. The other side of that Andy is that, you know, this is obviously, it's a very compassionate, it's a very pleasant caring thing to do, dog TV, you know. But when you see the amount of attention paid to the needs of dogs, it definitely brings home to you just how low on the list of Israeli priorities Palestinians really are, Andy. It goes, you know, it's great, homeless, outstanding for Lafls, then TV for dogs, then radio for cats, then and only then Palestinians. I think that's the order. So a number of shows have been specially made for this channel, including antique shows showing vintage sofas that most dogs

absolutely love to hump for the off the moon. New dog version of the hit counterterrorism series 24 with the K9 hero Jack Bowel and absolutely loads and loads of documentaries about the Nazis, but that's just true of any TV channel. The channel, Dr. V, is being described as slightly more intellectual than, no, I've got to choose carefully, realistically, I'm ever going to work for BBC 3. No, it's so much more intellectual than BBC 3. You just don't appeal to the target demo, Andy. Technology news now, another week, another tech launch, phone fan, Samsung have launched their new star smartphone, the Galaxy S4, which has new eye tracking software, which can

tell where your eyes are looking and scroll the page you're reading without you even having to touch the screen. This could save vital microseconds that are wasted on a daily basis by billions of smartphone users. The time spent between your eyes reaching the end of a page and your central nervous system sending an electrical impulse to tell your thumb to twiddle about a bit to make the next bit of whatever indispensable piece of shit your half-reading comes to the screen. Can add up to 0.8 seconds wasted over the course of a week. That's almost an hour over the course of someone's life," said Samsung, spokes lady,

Hectoret Cafftaine. You might meet the love of your life in that hour. So this is really important stuff. Samsung's flagship new phone is also literally a flagship. On contact with water, it automatically ejects a fully working steel hull to prevent the phone being flooded with water. A flag also pops out, which using helicopter recognition technology automatically flaps when it detects a search and rescue team hovering it in the sky above, whilst the display shows an animation

of a distress flare being fired into the air. Caffain explained, we watched the film Titanic on a staff bonding trip and we thought, if that happened now, not only would 1500 lies have been lost, but so would 1500 phones, not to mention the tablets that poorly organized people could easily have left in their cabins as they fled for the lifeboats.

We're determined to make sure that never happens. Now, even if your ship goes down, you can drown happily, safe in the north of that your loved ones, will still be able to have your phone to a swage and cure their grief. The phone also comes with a new app called When Will I Was? You input exactly what liquids you've had to drink and when and in what quantities, and when will I was, will send you an alert message when it calculates that you'll probably need to urinate.

Samsung lifestyle discolatorisation specialist, J11Snart explained, we probably waste 15 to 30 seconds every day thinking about whether or not we need to take a bathroom break. With our new app, you can reclaim that time, safe in the knowledge that your phone will prevent you from embarrassing yourself. Industrial leaders have expressed concern so that jailbroken phones could be set off to go off randomly if their owners just want the excuse to disappear from their work desks for a few moments of precious, lavatoryitude in an overhectic world. The Galaxy S4 auto includes a sneeze prediction technology that automatically rotates the

screen away from your facial snouting area when it detects you're about to suffer a nose explosion. And an automated emergency services calling function that you can activate when you're on a big night out. It detects when voices are becoming raised and speech becoming slurred and automatically calls for police and ambulance assistance When it calculates that you are about to get the shit kicked out of you in a full-on fight And that phone will be available

Free with the bugle Your emails now and this email came in from anonymous. Who wrote? Who wrote? Who writes? No, no, stand by it. Who wrote? Yes, I would say it with enough confidence. Can't help me seem to back down on these things that will make you a week. Dear Bugle, last night I dreamed of picnicking cardinals and fish tacos. Several hours later, after lunch in Italy, we have a South American Pope. That's right. Oh, a hire may have picked the president, but I dreamed the Pope!

Wow. I'm not signing my name to the email in fear that my husband's Catholic family will burn me for heresy. Well, if it's any consolation and on, you will not be alone on that judgment, Bob, or Q. And you're not. We'll be burning next to you in order to do a lot of particularly heretical sausages. Fish tacos, basically, I think that's how Jesus did the feeding in 5,000, wasn't it? That's right, because he just lives the fish, that's the key thing.

Yeah, mostly vegetable must with tiny bit of fish in it, so they could technically sell it as a fish taco. There's another email here from Jeff, who says, did John Chris and Andy in order of who I suspect is likely to pay more, is more likely to pay money for the following service. If you're not already aware, everyone's favorite tweeting slightly mental X-Rest

letter, I and she, now offering you, yes you, the exciting opportunity to be humbled or more accurately, crudely insulted over Twitter. For just $30, a bargain if I ever saw one, you can request that the great man tweets some personalized abuse at you, or whoever you choose to be treated to this direction.

Even better, the sheik obviously the chance to choose exactly what you want to say in the tweet. So essentially you're paying him $30 to copy and price some text. I'm not saying that means it isn't worth doing however, because it definitely is worth doing. Unfortunately I've spent so much of my money on securing humble text as presents for my loved ones.

My wife's birthday's coming up so I've got her too, just to make sure that I no longer have sufficient funds to take out a bugle voluntary subscription this year. I'm sure you'll agree, however, that it's gone to a better cause. As I'm sure the sheik would like me to say, keep up the good work or go f**k yourself. Jeff, Jeff fights. It Liverpool! Liverpool!

Well, I mean, that's terrific. You've got to monetize, haven't you? You've got that much to say. Quality work from the chicie, Andy. But if you do consider that a Bugle Voluntos subscription is a better use of your $30, then please go to the Bugle Podcasts.com and click on the relevant link. Don't forget to check out SoundCloud page out. SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen Bugle and do keep your emails coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com.

Well, that's it for this week's new Pope special. I mean, you know, he's 76. I mean, I don't know if we'll ever do another new Pope special on the bugle, but, hmm, when that's quite young, I mean, that's young for a pope, isn't it? Well, I mean, no, you're honest. Yes, I mean, definitely, he's still an old man. I don't think you could, I don't think you could biologically claim he was young, Andy.

But I saw when a Catholic church has been accused of living in the past, but you know, the world has to face up to the fact that it has, you know, an aging population, particularly in, you know, particularly in Western countries, and we've not really done anything about that. And the Catholic Church is showing that you can employ 76-year-old men in important positions. So.

Well, you know what, I suppose that's true. I mean, that's been forgotten, hasn't it? They're actually way ahead of their time, as well as thousands of years behind it. that they're actually way ahead of their time, as well as thousands of years behind it. So good luck to the new Pope, a good luck, and commiserations of the Iron Shake, I think did from some of the tweets he posted

and the pictures that he posted was harboring some hope of sneaking it under the radar. Yeah, the sun thing is, I couldn't quite work out whether he actually thought he had been elected at poker one point. Wait. And happy 70th birthday. I mean, I do when I'm 70 years old,

that I have a similar vocabulary. And that is an achievable goal, my friend. I feel like I have a calling in life now. Until next week, Bueglers, goodbye. Bye! you