The Bugle - Bugle 232 – Mars, Merchandise and Mad Men!

Episode Date: April 26, 2013

Andy and John, and about a million Buglers have noticed that there is a penis on Mars. Get your telescopes out. In other news, MERCH IS LIVE(!), and Chechnya's leader is a Hilary Swanker. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers and welcome to issue 232 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday, the 29th of April, 2013, the first week of the rest of your lives. As indeed is any week. With me, Andy Zoltzmann, a 38-year-old father of two, and one of the many people not involved in deciding the 19th century Cliffership, the Cutty Sark, with an opportunity missed. And in New York City, USA, it's the man who needs no introduction. Hello, Andy! Hello, Cubus!

Okay Andy, I'm afraid I have to start this vehicle in a similar way to last week, as it turns out that there is yet another issue to correct regarding my ongoing hot and cold relationship with the entire nation of Australia. So, for a while back there, Andy, it seemed like I was back in Australia's good books. The pieces on control have apparently been going viral around Australia, getting half a million hits on one website

in just a few days. Then, Andy came the doubters. Not a surprise. I believe it was Mousy Tongue, who said, haters go hate. One Australian paper ran a story this week with a headline saying, the Daily Shows John Oliver didn't really

drop the F-bomb on John Howard. And this caught my eye particularly because artists didn't even remember that I did drop the F-bomb, Andy. I dropped it right on his fucking head. LAUGHTER The article read, a source coaster, Mr Howard Howard checked and said the former prime minister

doesn't recall the use of the phrase, whoop de f***ing do, during the interview. It appears the comments was digitally stitched into the clip afterwards. Vision editors who spoke to business inside, said the key moment at about 3 minutes 28 seconds into the clip looked clearly edited. The back of Howard his head is motionless and there's no reaction when Oliver drops the F-bomb. It's been composed for sure, said one film producer in a digital agency. It's a bit of editing trickery. Hey!

F*** you! Unknown digital agency, just for the record, I'm saying that right now, and not digitally stitching it in afterwards. This is, I refuse to be treating on the JFK assassination tape Andy and as for the quote the former prime minister doesn't recall the use of the phrase Whoop-de-fucking-do-jo in the interview. Oh He remembers Andy. He remembers just like I remember his face in the seconds after I said it Because I'm guessing from his reaction, it's probably the first time he's ever had someone say whoop-de-fucking-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- I can't believe you said yes. Here's why all this hurts Andy. This is a question of integrity.

That's right, John. I resent the implication that I might have any, I think. If you don't think that I'm enough of an asshole to say what do you fucking do to the face of someone who for over a decade was a major world leader, then you just, you don't know me at all. It's an attempted character assassination on me, Andy, and it won't work,

because you cannot assassinate the character of someone who doesn't have one. Take your best shot. I'm a moral husk. And if you don't believe this is actually recorded today, the 26th of April 2013, you can certainly if you turn up the background volume on my end in London, you can still hear the distant echo of the tears of a nation. Yeah.

And that proves that it has been recorded since the sad parts of the Majesty. What's on us? So, anything you should be having this dispute now because the Monday, 29th of April, will be the 243rd anniversary of James Cook becoming the first Brit to land in Australia. And now... First person, everyone Australia under. 243 years later, you're going to start a war between our two nations.

I've tried to do anything, I've been trying to give them a compliment. I just, I don't know, it's a communication breakdown. It's the 20th of April, 25th of April. Yesterday, of course, was the 60th anniversary of Crick and Watson, publishing their smash hit research article, describing their discovery of the classic double helix structure of DNA

that we've all come to know, love and rely on so much. And this somewhat distracted attention from other research papers published in the scientific world, the very same week week back in 1953 including Professor Eric Franges wasp swallowing in Isoffer Gale Pine a causal study, Dr. Horneleon Lapats investigation into the ballistics of seedless grapes from the International Journal of Food Fighting Science, and Diel Harwati and M. Prince McGonagall's studies in the symbiotic and biomechanics of vocal

infection and the facial snare, which remains one of the most influential papers in the science of sarcasm to this day. It's a really interesting read. All 143 pages of it, a real conversation starter. Just a quick message for whoever signed the Bugle podcast's email address up for the ChristianMingle.com dating website. Oh god, what a stupid ad. Thanks very much, it's always nice to get mail. B, turns out the Bugle is surprisingly well-matched with a lot of Christian honey's. That's good. That's nice to know isn't it? Worst date I've ever had.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, we're good. And see, I'm very sorry, Lady Jesus fans. This podcast has no time for romance. We're all about business. Besides, if I'm person, I'm gonna leave or upgrade my current wife.

I really wanna try a Jewish one next time. As always, the section of the Eugla is going straight and they've been, and dad, let me just say, the Eugla, that is not an encouragement. For you to now sign that's up for a Jewish dating website. Oh, I don't think the website, I have any other major, or insignificant world. Garant, you just guaranteed our way onto J-Date by next Friday, aren't you?

As always, a section of the people that's going straight in the bin. This week, an animal beauty section, how to shave a horse, waxing your gecko, is it unethical? And silica n' implants, utterly ridiculous, or could they make your cow fill even milky? Plus a preview of the world ignoring championships at the Nant Switch bucket exchange. The leading contenders, home favourites Gary Strampen, Betsy Cockeridge from the Dorset Distains Club, will be looking to repeat last year's win in the mixed doubles, cold-shouldering against

their big rivals, the American pair, Lamelland and Ileon of the Miami Slides and Snettle Bell Cheek of the Oakland Overlookers, meanwhile the South African trio of Hullvitt van Mauson House, Schafer's Beck's second crack, and you trick his phone, f*** sake, with the Durban designers. Looking very strong outfit again this year. In the team-blown eye-turning whilst a sch smooly-mahamid of the Bethlehem Black Bullets, he's competing under the UN banner for obvious reasons. Well, that's... in the bin. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP B his record high. No, Mars Rover draws penis on red planet. F*** yeah! And is this the most important story at the moment? Of course not. Is it exactly the kind of story that we need after the last couple of weeks? Yeah it is. And don't just take my word for it.

Take it from the literally hundreds of views. Have been sending this story to us since it broke. You give the people what they want handy James Brown taught me that sure He might have stood on the stage and thought what people need this evening is someone to give them a vision for how best humanity should approach It's current major challenges and give them that vision with detail and clarity However, what these people want is an evening of wall-to-wall funk and that is exactly what I plan to funk and give them We'll put the image of The the penis on Mars on the bugle Twitter feed or you can just look it up by typing penis and Mars into the internet

Which is gonna get you a different result than you used to get a couple of weeks ago It used to be a Mars bar foxy shopped onto a hamster's genitals, but now it's the magnificent sight of a gigantic graffiti penis on the surface of Mars. There is nothing that is not great about this handy. It shows how far we've come as a species. First we put a man on the moon, now we've put a penis on Mars. Don't tell me that's not progress because if you do, I'll show you a photo of the planet Mars with a penis on it,

and you will lose that argument, especially when that penis that we put on Mars was drawn there by a f***ing robot. We choose to get a robot to draw a penis on Mars, Andy. We choose to to do it not because it is easy, but because it is hilarious. As you say, we have been alerted to this story by email and Twitter by what seems like thousands of bugles. You could have emailed us in about many things that we've covered in the show, other stories of John suggested Syria winning least funny country to live in for the year 2013, not being nominated for the previous two years, there's probably famines somewhere. Let's just assume there is, there usually is, and

grim economic figures. But you wrote in such numbers about the Mars penis that I have missed out on a date with 19-year-old Becky who really loves John the Baptist. dates with 19 year old Becky who really loves John the Baptist. Well the question is left sitting in that Subaru's Peter on her own, of course not on her own. Christ was there. That's just it's so hard in the relationship. I mean he just had such a rippling six back. I just can't compete with it.

But the question is John, whose penis was this picture of a penis on the surface of Mars modeled on? I mean, you have to assume it's just come right from the top when we're dealing with NASA, because, you know, of course, when Apollo 8, orbited the moon, then President Lyndon Johnson instructed them to orbit the moon in the exact shape of his wife, Lady Bird, Johnson's left button. So could this be a president's prongular? I mean, the photo

was actually from a few years ago, I think, from the George W. Bush era. So it could definitely be George W. Bush's Mandrake and Snubba Chomps, we just don't know. Maybe it was the Mars Rover's own personal protest about Bush's handling of the Iraq crisis. But perhaps it was modeled on Abraham Lincoln's Wangle dang 150 years now after it sadly died along with its owner after it was just wanting three theatre trip. Or even John F. Kennedy's Hutiananica. Now, it's come out in the 50th year since he was took that rather unfortunate car road trip. And he was the one who ordered the moon landing of the menu of political grandstanding at Cafe Cold War. So who knows which presidential penis that is? Well, the point is, though, Andy, the broader point is this penis on Mars

could technically ignite the next space race. Who is going to dream big enough to carve a pair of breasts into Jupiter? Your move, China. Also, this is now a huge opportunity for terrorists. Andy, Al Qaeda should now be encouraged to spend all their time and energy investing in a space program to send an insurgent robot up to Mars to draw a picture of George Washington with his mouth open around the penis that is already there.

Well, I mean, they must have the resources to do that. It's just a question, they just not renowned for their sense of humor the terrorists, they? Yeah, they just seem to say things too seriously. This image proves so popular that NASA's servers were initially unable to cope with the demand for the picture, although they eventually uploaded an even higher resolution version, because even they cannot deny how phenomenal this picture is, Andy. Part of NASA's job is to capture people's imagination when it comes to space exploration. That's how they can ensure future funding. And what better way to do that

than to go around drawing penises on all of the planets? We all want that to happen. Well, it's just inevitable. Whenever there's any technological advance, we've seen that, of course, with the Sir Nabus Giant here in England, all that advance was scratching grass off the sides of hills and making shapes out of the

chalk underneath massive wank straight away. The Mars Rovers response responsible, there seems to be some dispute of where it was opportunity or spirit which by great coincidence were the nicknames that President Calvin Coolidge and his Vice President Charles Dawes had for their respective Pinocchio's and here's another fact if you were talking to Calvin Coolidge and his vice president Charles Doors had for their respective Pinocchio's. And here's another fact, if you were talking to Calvin Coolidge and he said the words, should the opportunity arise, in many really had the hots for you. But what are these things doing on Marstjon? I mean, what, why did this happen? Was this deliberate by NASA? Or was this these robots just going rogue? Because we've all seen

it, John. Graffiti a cock and balls on something is the sure sign of teenage boredom and these poor fucking robots John millions billions of miles away from the factories they once called home piddling around on a planet that is quite clearly absolutely full to the brim with jack K shit and when they got to start getting bored on that John and they get stent enough messages back to Martin NASA saying guess what guys another bit of

Fucking Rock I'll go well on your mantel piece next all the other pieces of fucking rock I've already picked up So it's inevitable that the penis of the balls will be drawn as as Aristotle said You're right that the key disputes seems to be which of the rovers drew the penis Also when it was made there are two Mars Rovers up there, as you say, opportunity and spirit. Opportunity is still traversing the surface of Mars at the moment on its way to the Endeavour crater, whereas NASA lost communication with the spirit rover

back in 2009 after it became stuck in some sand. So, okay, I think that solves that mystery there, Andy, because spirit did it. It clearly spirit, Andy. It's a rebellious rover that's gone off the rails, fakes being stuck into some sand, this discommunication equipment and has been drawing penises all over Mars ever since.

There's a way, throughout literature, science-fiction literature, there's always been so much fear about robots developing the power of thought. That's right, but who'd have thought that when robots eventually became sentient, they essentially turned it to 12-year-old boys. I don't think any science fiction ever addressed that. Well, I mean, it's, it's, it's in a lot of ways, it's quite reassuring that that is the

way they're going to go, John, rather than, you know, as we always assumed in sci-fi films to destroy the human race. That's exciting age boys, basically. Scientists have been quick to claim that this is probably a mistake, with one pointing out that all the rovers have six wheels, three on each side, and they leave behind two parallel tracks when they're traveling in a straight line. When the rover has to make a turn, the wheels rotate in place to put the robot in the desired direction for the next leg of its trek.

If the turn is significant enough, you get a nice set of circles at the end of a pair of parallel tracks. Yeah, that's right. And what did you just describe there? What you described sounds like a penis. And what the rover did looks like a penis. I think we're all on the same page here, Andy. And whether it was an accident or not doesn't matter. people may claim it was an act of God the point is we can all agree that it's a wonderful thing we can all enjoy you would hope the warring factions around earth would tonight drop their weapons join hands and stare together up at the sky knowing that there is a penis on Mars and that that knowledge is

somehow bigger than all of us. From the robot's perspective it's a great resignation letter. It is the best. He's a picture of a cock. I think we just lost spirit. Of course the great irony is John that the ancient Greeks and the ancient Romans very much pioneered the use of the penis and balls and if they hadn't pitched their civilizations up the wall we would all probably already be living on Mars right now and wouldn't be wondering what all this fuss is about. Now, NASA of today issued a statement on this, just come through on their website. We've become aware that serious allegations have been made both within the astronautical community and without that one of our rovers may have drawn a giant penis and balls on Mars.

As an organisation dedicated to the furtherance of humankind's knowledge of space and all the stuff in it and shit like that, NASA has always been strongly opposed to the pornographic-fiction of space despite the shape of many of its rockets. However, if the allegations do prove to be true that one of our rovers unilaterally drew a massive Wang on Mars, we would like it to be seen in the context of the history of human expression. Michelangelo drew loads of Wangs on the cysteine chapel ceiling and no one gave him any shit for it. The classical sculptor Praxit Lee'slies of Athens sculpted all kinds of dudes and honeys with their junk waggling out all over the place and everyone says it was a f***ing genius. So cut our oversome f***ing slack and cut us some slack.

There's nothing to do in space! That's why it's called space! And if they brought any other shape, you're only me complaining about us being boring old NASA, being scientific again. We can't f**king win. Furthermore, who says we weren't being scientific? We know to need to know if Martians have penises or not. If they see the Mars wang and look confused by it, we'll know they don't have penises.

If they see it and giggle, they'll know, we'll know they're just like us. If Martians do have wangs, we know they're not worth dealing with because wangs have done more to harm human productivity than any part of the body apart from the brain, sincerely NASA. So Churchill famously said, democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others. And well, if you want to know what he meant, just take a look at the Bugles e-Bell inbox this week. You people have a lot to answer for. Chechen news now and Andy, whenever Chechania has been in the news in the past, it's usually been because some Chechians are either throwing something at Russia or the Russia is throwing something much bigger and louder back at them. Unfortunately, after the Boston Bombings, Chess Nier is on the map for

Americans for a different reason. Not necessarily on the map geographically, accurately though, because after the most of the Boston bombers were ethnically chechen, the Czech ambassador to the United States felt the need to release a statement that the Czech Republic and Chechenia were completely different places. He was apparently motivated to do this after getting worried about seeing some people getting confused online. So he released a statement saying, as more information on the origin

of the alleged perpetrators is coming to light, I'm concerned to note in the social media a most unfortunate misunderstanding in this respect. The Czech Republic and Chechnya are two very different entities. The Czech Republic is a central European country, Chechnya is part of the Russian Federation, going on to say, four fucks, psych.

There's no way that that was not the original way that his statement ended, and he either chose to edit it out himself or other people edited it out for him, but there's no way that it wasn't there. So let's take a look at Chechnya, seeing as it has unexpectedly become explosively relevant to the US in recent weeks, the Chechen leader is a man called Ramzam

Kaderov and after looking into him a bit, it turns out he's f***ing ridiculous, Andy, with the loss of Kim Jong Il, Shavers and Gaddafi and with Al-Khmer Dinerjad on his way out in the near future. The bugle is looking for a new not-your-vandhi and frankly I think we may have just found him. Kadirov is 36, he's got seven children, good start. Just this week, Kadirov beat up his own sports minister in a boxing ring and uploaded the photos of it to the internet. I mean, I can give you some more detail on it, but already that is a fine dish to chow down upon.

Yep, that's sounding strong, strong. Cateroth said leadership. Yeah, Cateroth said he taught the sports minister a lesson after he noticed that the ministry building in the capital, Grozny, was badly in need of repair. So he decided to, and I quote, rectify his behavior by beating the shit out of him in the guise of giving him a boxing lesson.

Apparently, Kaderoff is an experienced boxer and he told his followers on Instagram that he has, that in the course of this dialogue or rather sparring, he gently and unobtrusively explained to the minister with the help of the right and the left hook that he should start using his head. Andy that is a sensational way to hold a meeting. Isn't that technically what Margaret that's used to do with her cabinet Andy? I seem to recall these she used to make them all stripped to the

waist and then she walked in and start smashing the waist wall back while giving them detailed instructions of how to communicate the upcoming budget. I'd heard it was just a stiletto hovering over the eyeball. Close. But I mean, it consists of all part of politics, isn't it? Threatening and beating up disruptive politicians. I mean, that's as old as the hills. So you've got to give the guy credit for putting it on Instagram. It just shows the wonders of modern technology.

And now at least you know when your leaders are threatening their own ministers with physical violence. Yeah, of course, it's great history this you don't need me to tell you that much of the yalta agreement was settled by a means of a series of games of slaps. Whilst Queen Victoria used to hold William Gladstone in a headlock every time he went to tell her what shit was going down in Parliament, growler him and insist that she called her Winifred. A few more details on this magnificent lunatic. Cadaroth has come under heavy criticism due to alleged corruption of human rights violations, classic tips, both boxes there. Having been personally implicated in several instances of torture and murder, tick tick,

amidst rumours that he has a 300-name murder list. So let's just hope that doesn't come. Two, three hundred and two after this one. But so far, so pretty. So I have to join the queue, isn't it, Kate? Yeah, but if you like a little burlaskony level spikiness in your tire and tarco, then CaddyRof can help you there too,

because he also has a pretty good sequence of sex scandals. In 2006, a church in Separatist website posted a short video shot on a mobile phone, of a party in a sauna involving two alleged prostitutes and several men including one who looks and sounds exactly like Kaderov. He was seen dancing with a young half-naked woman and trying to rip her bra off. Another man then starts masturbating in front of them. Boom Andy, he just outburning, burlaskone, burlaskone. Your move, Sylvia. Now that doesn't sound like the fact she is, that definitely sounds more like Haron, but Millenstein. The church in Needis spokesman explained that

the boxing incident was, quote, intended as a joke for people with a healthy sense of humour. Let's see how many of Kaderoth's other jokes, Crackney audience, up one day, when he's rrfing about them in the hagg, as seems quite likely given his questionable human rights record. But so we one of the most questionable records since Rage Against the Machine did a cover version of the birdie song. Cadaroth has the same attitudes towards dissenting voices. As Tiger Woods has the golf balls, he either wants to hit it as hard as possible or make it disappear or put loads of spin on it to make it stop or do the same thing to it a hundred times in a row on a driving, I've taken this too far. But he's certainly not a man who is afraid to use his presidential sledgehammer to crack his opponents in the nuts. But wait Andy, his behavior actually gets weirder. According to a classified WikiLeaks cable, also from 2006, one diplomat recalled a lavish

wedding attended by Kaderov in which guests through $100 bills at child dancers and which had a nighttime water scooter jaunt on the caspian scene. And a response to me my special day. I want everything to be perfect. And apparently, Kaderov gave the newly married couple a five kilo lump of gold. Not only that. He owns, he owns a Lamborghini Revoton, one of only 20 made and has a large collection of Chechen daggers. I guess you can't really have one of those without the other. And on 5th of October 2011, he celebrated his 35th birthday with a ludicrously lavish party, in which he flew in Hollywood stars like Jean-Claude Van Damme and Hillary Squank and

had music from Seal. And when asked where all the money for this celebration came from, he reportedly laughed and then said, Allah gives it to us, before adding, I don't know, it comes from somewhere. That's just two different ways of phrasing the same sentence. No, yeah. Also, Andy, I think it's clear, for his 37th birthday, let's go out there and let's do a live bugle for him. Sure, it'll be the last bugle we ever do, but what a way to go out.

Well, what a white, five kilo lump, I've got what you're going to do with that. It doesn't matter. Because you'll get wedding presents, but every time it goes round, they're going to have to get it out and put it on the mantel piece, aren't they? That's true, isn't it? Well, you'll wear it around their neck. Oh, it's big sports fan as well, Cataroth, which, you know, for all his other major flaws as clearly murderous despot, let's call him warriors. But he's a big sports fan, so you know, I've

wreaked every cloud. He was watching Terek Grozny, the big team from Chechnya, which he was president for seven years, and they had a player, they had the captain sent off, and Kaderoff grabbed the announcer's microphone and laid into the referee over the stadium PA system. He started shouting, the referee's been bought off and said, you jerk. Now that's the behaviour you want from your head of state. And I think it's one of the Queen's many failings that she has never really behaved like that in our country's times of sporting need. I wanted to be there watching the ashes this summer on the balcony at Lourdes with a loud

hailer, shouting, are you f***ing blind, Dampa? That was clearly LBW. Also, Andy, you jerk. I'm willing to bet that jerk is the gentlest possible translation of what he actually shouted about that referee. Kaderoff later said sorry to fans, but not to the official, insisting that he deserves to be called corrupt. And that is the insult double down Andy.

He apologized to people who didn't need to be apologized to and refused to apologize to the one person who did. That's a difficult move to pull off Andy, tough to stick that landing, but he did it beautifully. But he shouldn't have been punished for grabbing the microphone, Andy. He should have been given a microphone so that he could commentate live over the PA

during every game and scream abuse at the referee for the full 90 minutes, because you know who would have complained about that? Nobody, Andy, because everyone is justifiably terrifying, don't they? LAUGHTER MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC

Hang on, Douglas. What's that sound? MUSIC MUSIC Is that the sound of retail history being made? Yes, it is because finally, after five and a half years of ruthless commercialism, the Bugle Merchandising operation is off the ground, unless anything goes wrong between me recording this now at about three o'clock. And the proposed launch of the Bugle Merch site later this afternoon.

So by the time you hear this, it should all be up and running, you'll be able to link to it from the Bugle podcast.com, where of course you can also take out your voluntary subscriptions and John, this is really it. It's finally happening, happening a bit faster in the UK than the US due to certain technical issues,

which means we won't be able to ship in the US for a little bit, but the website is there. And and I think I should be able to send it around the world as well. Might cost you a bit more, but that's your fault for living in a stupid country. I'm talking to you, Australia. I want to get a piece of this. Everything, everything you can possibly want, the Google Merch. So I've provided that what you want is a T-shirt, a baseball cap, a mug, or a bumper sticker with the bugle written all over it. And the t-shirt really, I mean, it's an amazing product. This complimentary holes for arms. Yes, it's a t-shirt, but it's so much more. It's a label that you understand humanity. In fact, if you wear the bugle t-shirt,

you might as well wear an Omur official glider to Planet Earth poncho, because when people see you in your bugle t-shirt, they're going to think this guy and our girl knows what he's talking about and they'll be asking you for advice on everything from how to solve the Syrian crisis to where the nearest stockbroker or toilet is. This is they must have accessory for all people with a torso that needs to be covered up for fear of shame or divine retribution. These t-shirts are inedible but kosher and will suit all of the three main genders, men, women and old people. There's also the bugle baseball cap. It's almost like

the human head was designed for wearing hats, some argue it's the vice of that versa, but now is in the time for philosophy. You can wear the bugle baseball cap even if you're not a pro-bola or even a baller at all, whatever, whatever a border, what is a, what is a, what is a border? What is a border? Andy, what's the thing? Andy, you're very good at commercials. If this is any indication you've been wasting your life, whether you need a 30 minute or a 30 second. Well, you need a hat for shielding your eyes and the blinding light of the truth within the bugle. Or for camouflaging your face in the prying lenses of the paps.

This hat has it all. You could probably get away with using it as a religious head gear too, if you get it blessed by someone in a cape or beard. I might not fool anyone as a miter, but I reckon you could swing it as a yamlker. It's also legal for everyone to wear it, although we'd rather keep it just for the sake of the brand.

We'll leave it up to you guys. We'll say that. Judged your own statements on that. We're not proscribable. Now, what about the Bugle mug? Are you sick and tired of your coffee tasting of regret? Every cup of tea accompanied by the haunting echo of human misery, then the Bugle Mugs will turn your life

around, both the regular Bugle logo mug and the world's exclusive, Bugle G mug come fully equipped with handles for improved hand feel. But also a cylindrical central reservoir in the classic style, capable of holding up to 20 litres of hot beverage in more than one go. I'd deal for all conceivable drinks apart from coconut and snake blood, which should be drunk straight from the coconut and or snake. Do not smash the bugle mug without expression,

express written permission from the bugle. These mugs have not been voodoo tested as yet, made of solid puter or porcelain. And then what about the bumper sticker? Well, very much the jewel in the retail crown of the bugle operation. You put a bugle bumper sticker on your car and you are exempt from all motoring legislation for up to 1.2 seconds. But, although other cars will start following you just to get close to you, you can put it in your window at home and just see the value of your property half. Also, it will for use as mouth tape if you're ever being interrogated by this CIA and you don't want to let anything

slip that isn't total bullshit. So there it is, Buglos, it's finally here. I hope it works. After. Well, it's take less, let's be honest, it's taken a long time. Yeah, but I mean, well done, Andy, because you're saying it's definitely there. And yet, I don't know, Tony, which you've described it just makes me a stupid old bullshit. But let's assume it is probably there. It should be there. So, I expect to, next time I talk to you, next week on next week's video, I expect to be able to hear you wearing your bugle merchandise. I expect you to be reading emails saying where's the f***ing merch. Yeah, you're probably walking in there.

And I've drawn a vagina on Saturn. Just wait till I get to a vagina on Saturn. LAUGHTER Just wait till they get to your own... Anyway... Cue Boom! Bit of blue. Er, now... Sir, time for your emails. Do we have any emails this week that were not about the penis rover?

I don't think so. Well, you're not... Well done, people. You've... You've done yourselves proud. There was a picture of you as an alien. Yep. Was that an improvement or a... It was remarkably similar to how you are now.

Do keep those emails coming in and just in case you have not got the message yet. We are now aware of the story of the penis on Mars. That's those you have said, I don't know if you've seen this or not, but we have now seen it. Thank you. Keep your emails coming to info at thebugelpodcast.com. Don't forget to visit our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle, it's being rebranded.

Yeah, it's going to be awesome. I mean, this is all happening. And don't forget the merch and the following two subscriptions at theBuglePodcast.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ I mean John, you are a Liverpool fan and... Yeah, I am, yeah. Louis Suarez has brought yet more attention and glory in many ways onto Liverpool Football Club. By biting, someone from Chelsea, which was seem to be viewed as something he shouldn't have done. He did claim offers that the man he bit, Branagh's love of Anavitch,

had just been bitten on the arm by a poisonous snake and he was sucking the venom out. Later changed his story and said that it was an attempted love bite as he was overwhelmed by a vanavitch, his rugged, slavic, good looks. But he's now facing a 10 game ban, John. He was provoked. The Chelsea player in question had run barbecue sauce all over his arm. What are you supposed to do? Yeah, but he lasted nearly 90 minutes. It's just the problem, John, with this 10-game man, because it's just going to encourage copycat behavior, and you're going to get, they're going to think, oh, we can get a key opposition player banned for 10 games.

That's going to be, I'm going to be on barbecue sauce. There's going to be high-class ball-sammit glazes going on there, and, you know, I'll write matured, and you know, it's going to be, I just don't like the way that football's going with this. And also, I think there's just better ways to deal with it than the ban, because, you know, what's up, he's just going to sit on his ass for 10 games and, uh, break his money. And I think we need to, to really discourage it, we need to play on their Mekismo and obsession with their public image. And I think Suarez's punishment should have been to be renamed for 10 games with a girl's name. And if he knew that he was going to be referred to as Ethel Suarez for 10 games,

there is no way that he would have sunk so low. No way. Also Andy, just go and look at this in context. He's been battered 10 games. And if just because you are a racist cheating serial fighter, that makes you a poor role model, then I guess we're just not going to have professional athletes anymore. Yeah, go ahead and have it both ways. Supposedly a contact sport, anyway, isn't it? You can't take that out of his game, the biting, Andy. It's true. You've seen that one of the cut finals, I think it was a 1953 cut final,

and Stan Mortensen scores a goal, when he bites the goalkeeper's head off and spits it into the net. You can't get away without these days. Is the game improved on it? I don't know, I'm not judging it, just saying it's changed. And now you just need to look at a goalkeeper

and it's a free kick. That's right, ridiculous. You just need to start tucking a napkin into your top of your shirt and all of a sudden as a yellow card. Oh, that's not the games of Bout, John. It's a man's game and a chef's game. That's it for this week, Douglas. May your telescopes be at the ready to find any more wangs in space and

Do enjoy the merch should it actually be available? It really really better be now really but I can't keep this going on much longer. It is I think it's there Yeah, it's definitely not checked. Yeah, but I think it's there. Yeah Until next week, goodbye. Bye! you