The Bugle - Bugle 252 – (Product from) Pigs Might Fly (Off The Shelves)

Episode Date: December 6, 2013

A new challenger arrives for toughest world leader, Britain seeks to be a world leader in a new market, And the Bugle mourns a great man. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleurs and welcome back after a few rather disarapted weeks. To Bugle issue 252 for the week beginning Monday the 9th of December 2013, I am... Hang on, I'll just get this camera. ... ...sunday, zing zing. Oh, that is reassuring. And joining me from the Lingenshire seaside resort of Skegnese, that I hope I'm kidding, from Manhattan Island, New York, is the 21st century's Uglflug. Have you not heard of the funniest caveman of a 12 millennium BC? It's John Oliver!

Hello Andy, hello Bueglers, we're back Bueglers after a couple of weeks of partially earned break. It was Thanksgiving here last week, and the solemn celebration of America's birth as a nation, which it chooses to recognise through attempted caloric suicide, the information of family arguments, the wanting of men in the helmets and shoulder pads, giving each other concussions and the inability to walk without winning in their 50s, the ceremonial pummeling of strangers fighting to get into a best by store, and of course a gigantic inflatable Charlie Brown. It's how the Native Americans must have imagined their massacres would be commemorated in the

future, Andy. The previous week there was no B.U. because I was in LA filming my final episode of the next season of community, and it's going to be great. It's going to start here in America on January the 2nd on NBC and I can't recommend it enough. If you like watching half hour television shows that make you think, how the fuck did they manage to get that past the major network,

then this is the show for you. And also finally a little bit of a catch up. A long time people as well know that we have a longstanding interest in the profile in Tweety of the Iron Sheik. And I was alerted to very interesting developments over the last week, because it, in most of the Iron Sheik had turned his 140 character venom on a project

that I was personally involved in. The tweeting question was this, and I quote, what movie better, the Smurfs 2 or your mother dumb bitch go fuck yourself three? Hashtag Smurfs 2 or your mother dumb bitch go f*** yourself 3. Hashtag Smurfs 2 holiday. Now, personally Andy, I've not seen either of those motion pictures, so I'm not in a great position to judge, but see, his second one is on its third instalment. I'm guessing that that is the superior franchise, but like I say, it's just a guess at this point.

Well, that would have more from the ironchake later on. Oh, really? That's good. This is Bougal 252, meaning it's now the same number of Bougals as drafts of the first line of I wandered lonely as a cloud that ace poet Willie Wordsworth tried before nailing it with cloud, discarded things to wander lonely as included. A box, a rat, a worm, an idiot, lunch, a condom in his monastery, a thingamijig, a floating turd and a paddling pool, a man called Colin, his wife was just left him for someone less obsessed with dungeons and dragons,

a dismembered penis with prosthetic legs and a f***ed. This is for the 9th of December, an international anti-corruption day on Monday, John. I believe it's probably not enough days in the year for the world to be anti-corruption and politicians and businessmen and various rogues and vachamons seem to see as carte blanche to be pro-corruption for the other 364 days of the year. So here at the people we do encourage you, if approached on Monday by someone offering you bundles of cash in brown envelopes in exchange for political favors, please say, either no or maybe later,

as always a section of the Pugel is going, let's be realistic, a section of the people is going straight in the bin. This week a Christmas TV section, we review all the latest Christmas celebrity TV shows that are coming on to entertain us over the festive season on both sides of the Atlantic, including back to the drawing board, classic career change reality documentary in which former England rugby player Neil Back is appointed as executive director on the management broad of a struggling colour

pencils manufacturer. The kitchen sink, that's a documentary about Justin Timbley and his former fellow band members, Life Long Love of Tacky Art and Memorabelia. The kitchen sink offers a fascinating insight into how five young men's confulsive collecting of low-brow sentimentalist artwork tore apart one of the 1990s greatest rock acts. And finally, what's goes up must come down. Actress Naomi Watts is fired into space with a giant barrel of grapes,

which he has to tremble to make great must before returning it to earth to be used to make some wine. Also, we look ahead to the Downton Abbey Christmas special. Will Lord Grantham finally discover who trod on that stick? Can Branson adjust a life with a new pair of gloves? Lady Ethel looks out of a window. What's that all about? Will there, what will be the repercussions after Lady Mary's visiting suitors and Michael Snitzbury has found making love to a flower bed? Can aging Butler Carson remember to unbutton his flies before urinating? And with a series moving into the mid 1920s? Will the invention of the portable chainsaw provoke Ole Miss

issues to go on a blood-curdling rampage through downturn screaming, die, c**t,ela, one of the great figures of modern and any time of history. And received this email came in from Manip, who writes, dear Andy and John, I guess, I don't know if you're making any more bugles anytime soon, zing, or if you're just letting the podcast fade away, the two are not mutually incompatible. If you are making more bugles, please can you say something nice about Nelson Mandela and the next one? My parents were anti-aparta activists and the release of Nelson Mandela in 1990 is the one and only time I ever saw my late father have a real normal person emotion.

Mandela's death is harder than we my family expected. Please tell a joke that cheers us all up. Perhaps you could go with a thank you legit. So which is a lovely development on the old f*** you legit. It's a good idea, because just as f*** you legit are seldom earned, I think the same is true of a thank you legit and if there is any human being who deserves one, it is Nelson Mandela. I will attempt, we'll come to that thank you, Luigi, as the feature section later in the show, but many asked, please tell a joke that cheers us all up. It's quite hard to write a joke on this subject, so I'll try this. So this man walks into a jail and he walks out 27 years later and says,

hey, let's all be friends and dedicate his rest of his life to the fulfilment of his dream of equality and a nation once defined by the prejudices that had incarcerated him. What's up with that? I think we'll agree that needs a little bit of work. So we'll return to the thank you, Lugie, later on in the show. ["The Lugie"] Top story this week, Ukraine protests, kicking Kiev.

Ukraine, Andy, to come to the shoot-hap, no it wasn't Andy, it was not a palm. All right, as long as you're sure. Nope, nope, nope, it was a, at best it was a slip of the tongue or a word that sounded like another word. It definitely wasn't a palm. Ukraine, Andy, the country that should have but somehow didn't invent the ukulele has been in a state of serious upheaval this week, much more serious in fact than my last glib comment about their country sounding like a small, Hawaiian string instrument might imply.

Thousands of protesters have besieged Kiev all week, bringing the city to a complete standstill over the last few days, elsewhere around the country more than a million Ukrainians have hit the streets, numbering even more than during the orange revolution nine years previously when the Ukrainian people booted their government out of office like a world-class NFL punter. The trigger which led to this explosion of anger was President Victor Yanukovych's last minute decision not to sign a wide-ranging partnership deal with the EU despite what amounted to years of negotiations

that have now been essentially pissed up the war like piss going up a war. Now I'm saying it out loud, I guess that's why it's a phrase. The concern that the Ukrainian people justifiably have is that instead of moving towards the EU, Yanaković is attempting to move Ukraine towards Russia and a life-gone by their eerily muscular shirtless king Vladimir Putin. And in case you've forgotten who the Ukrainian President weird Al Yanaković is, he's a guy whose opponent in 2004 was mysteriously poisoned with dioxin and whose opponents face consequently resembled a background character on Babylon 5. And then whose other

opponent in 2010 is currently in jail. So nice guy. Nice guy. Money is right at the absolute coaching manual of of crackpot leaders. We've had vote rigging, jailing former MPs beating up unarmed protesters at a vigil in the middle of the night with massive trunctions. Not him personally, obviously, you know, he hires his goons to do that. Economic problems on a massive scale, allied with huge corruption. Former leaders, you say jailed in suspicious circumstances and international power circling his country opportunistically, like hyenas with jet packs. This, John, this is a classic. He is ticking every single box that you could

want as a neutral from a crackpot Eastern European leader. Not probably not what you want as a Ukrainian, but as a neutral, he's got value, good value. Right, for the spectator. Adding even more flavor to this combustible crowd of protesters is that one of the leaders of the opposition movement is Vitaly Klitschko. Yes, that Vitaly Klitschko, the only Vitaly Klitschko you've ever heard of. The raiding WBC heavyweight champion of the world and a six foot seven inch destroyer of faces and now major political pugilist. He has been in the thick of the protests all week trying to calm people down even at one point shoving supporters to keep them from confronting the police, screaming, don't fall into a trap. He's actually already an MP in Ukraine and is rumored to be likely to run for president in 2015.

Klitsko leads the Udhar movement, which means punch, because of course it does. Now if Hulk Hogan ran for office in Ukraine, it would be with the Chokeslam party. Anyway, Oudah, 140 seats in Parliament last year with pro-European anti-corruption stance is not presumed that after the punch party won each seat, a woman in a bikini walked around holding up a sign saying, seat one, seat two, and so forth. So if Clitch Goh wins, Ukraine was essentially have a real life president rocky as their leader, except he has a much better win-loss record than the fictitious fighter. And this actually might be food for thought for Janikovych,

because his supporters may have poisoned one opponent and jailed another, but good luck with Klitschko, because you would not like him when he's angry, or indeed when he is chillingly focused. Well, it's a big, big thing for Putin as well, because he's long-traded on having the easily the best six back of any G8 leader. And, you know, if all of a sudden next door in Ukraine there is an actual heavyweight boxing champion. He's going to have to do some serious gym hours, John. That's true. Seriously. I actually met Vitaly Klitzko's brother Vladimir last week, Andy. I think it was inevitable that our two life was collided, eventually. We know so many of us.

I think I would assume it would be in the ring, or the fact we know so many of the same people. Instead, we met at an award show that I was hosting in New York, and he's a very handsome man, Andy. It was slightly amusing to see the symmetry of his features after he spent a career being passed to the face. It might be look at my own face, and wonder whether it could have benefited

from a lifetime of pummeling. And I'm sure there are some people on the internet that would be only too quick to agree with that sentiment. The only weird thing was shaking Vladimir Klitschko's hand, because they're all lumpy and sharp from broken bones. And you can't help thinking that he mainly broke his hands by repeatedly slamming them into people's bodies and heads.

And that really does give a man pause for thought when he's about to engage in witty banter with another man so masculine that he makes you feel like a four-year-old girl in a princess dress. So what witty banter do you go with, John? I literally ran away. They set up this terrible, well, you know,

they set up this kind of awkward witty banter between the two of us. Right and so I was going to kind of insult him and then we'd go back and forth and I got halfway through the insults all of these face and I physically ran away. What were the awards? The international Emmys. All right he was giving one to a friend of his. Alright. He was giving one to a friend of his. Alright. But, Putin and Russia have come out strongly against the protesters in the Ukraine in some pretty inventive and unusual ways, including a TV anchor on a news show. Show showing clips from a Swedish children's TV show, designed to explain to children how their bodily functions work, basically entitled, what will be translated as we we and popo.

And you showed clips from this as an example of the exemplifying the Western decadence that awaits Ukraine if it decides to join the EU instead of allying itself with Russia. The program itself is amazing. It's a pretty called Bliss or Case, which is a reference to We We and Pupa. It teaches kids how their bodies work with the help of two popular characters Bliss and Case, with occasional music numbers from the Rumump Orchestra, which is bottom-stressed in hats, glasses and ties. And what the journalist calls singing genitalia. So, I mean, if it's true, if it's true, Andy, if it's true that kind of Western decadence

or what it's Ukraine, if it's just obviously doing the EU and turn this back on Russia, then showing it is probably a company a completely exact opposite of what that Russian journalist is hoping for. Because that TV show sounds f**king amazing, Andy. Singing genitalia, the run porkistra, with bottoms dressed in hats and glasses, come on! What does Russia possibly have to compete with that? A cartoon potato who teaches children about the pain of life and the inevitability of death.

Not good enough! A sad dog puppet reading excerpts from Dostoy Eski, nobody wants that! Sounds like you've worked shopping ideas for your new HBO show there John. He said, well actually he went a double down, Demetri Kizalev, who's the Russian journalistic question, saying that Sweden, in Sweden there has been a sharp rise in child abortions, early sex is the norm from the age of nine, and it is not surprising that child impotence starts at 12. There you have European values in all their glory. Impotence at 12, Andy. I couldn't even spell impotence at 12. Let alone suffer from it. I didn't even have a penis for another 12. Well, no 12-year-old boy suffers from impotent Andy.

If anything, they suffer from whatever the exact opposite of impotent is. I think it's literally called being 12. So you have to raise questions of exactly what his picture of decadence is, all those decadent bodily functions, like urinating and rectspulsion, or whatever you want to call it. To put this in context, the news anchor in question to meetri kissilev is, I guess from the lunatic fringes of TV news, he's basically a gale force f*****, a certified homophob, a xenophob, and it seems also a wazaphob and dumpophob as well. But it didn't stop there. Also on a weather forecast, Vadim Zavodchenkov on the Russia 24 news channel, senior weather forecast at the Fobos weather center set. Not for the first time, has a sharp deterioration in the political climate in Ukraine coincided with a change in the seasons, basically blaming it on winter. So quality effort from Russian media.

Yeah, Ukraine's leadership are pushing back as well. Ukraine's Prime Minister has claimed that the protests, as the protests intensify, he sees all the signs of a coup, referring to the fact that demonstrators are apparently blockading the main government building. And Yanukovych himself said in his first TV interview since Sunday's violence, any bad piece is better than a good war. Wow, that is not true. Not extra-jangling, but I think the ship has sailed on that one. The best case scenario that they could possibly explain this to the international community with Andy, Ukraine's leaders is that this essentially is just about the World Cup.

Ukraine didn't qualify for the World Cup because, look, if England had failed to qualify for the World Cup, there'd be people setting fire to the gates of Buckingham Palace right now. That is just a fact. So look, essentially, it's the same that Ukraine has a choice to make. Now, do they want to ally themselves with the classic Russian sense of fun, which is thrown pussy right in jail, or do you want to full round the clock access to the Rump Orchestra? It's your move, Ukraine.

And there's only one choice to make there. One part of bottoms wearing glasses and hats. Do you not find appealing? wearing glasses and hats, do you not find appealing? Which is basically what the British Empire was based on. Mr Janakowicz is currently on an official visit to China in what is reported to be a bid to forge closer economic ties. And coincidentally, basically at the same time, David Cameron has been on exactly the same trip to China,

to try and persuade China that we are not a historical relic as they've suggested. A Chinese newspaper described Britain as just an old European country apt for travel and study, which is both insulting and bizarre. I mean, travel and study. I don't know where the hell they pull those two rabbits out of the bag. I don't know whether to be flattered or into them. I see they're actually taking a picture on our literacy and numeracy standards, languishing down in the mid-table internationally. And it's long been a problem. The traditional three hours of education literacy and numeracy. For travel, I mean, the weather's a bit crap. The people are rude. Everything's expensive and trainfares are based on some obscure algorithm based on the death rate of maggots in a cauldron of soup or something but this

appears to be all we're good for in the eyes of this Chinese newspaper so a big zing for Cameron he came back strongly and the way we came back strongly John was by signing a trade deal to sell China, $73.6 million worth of pig's berm. That's right. There's no right, Buickless. There is no final way to state your seriousness as a nation than by selling millions and millions of pounds worth of pig's bath to a trading partner. There's just no better way to do it.

Yeah, because Vice President better way to do it. Yeah, because vice-president Biden is also in China. He's had a tricky diplomatic trip to China this week. He commented delicately avoid exacerbating the controversy over China, enforcing claims over airspace above a set of disputed lands. But you know, perhaps he should have taken a page out of Cameron's book and he walked away with a huge trade deal regarding poor kind seamer. Or indeed, as you put it, Pigsbur, Pigsbur, Mandy, we're back. Britain's back.

Number one, number one in pig seamen exports. This is where it all started last time, Mandy. Let's not forget, we exported a couple of bottles of pig seamer. Next thing you know, we're controlling two thirds of the world's land mass. We are back, baby. the spectacular economically genuinely important and in no way inherently funny deal with China. The porcine semen which again is not an amusing phrase whatsoever can be floated China in both frozen and fresh form. The pigs themselves will stay in the UK they'll

not be flying in first class while wearing Qhefner's star smoking jackets. And apparently, the exports start in the first quarter of next year. Four UK artificial insemination centres, which are based in England and Northern Ireland, will start making preparations for the pig semen exports in the new year. A government spokesman, an actual adult's government spokesman said, and I quote, the UK poor con seamen will be key to help the Chinese improve their pig production and make the industry more productive in the long term. The quantities are not the important factor for this trade. It is the quality that is important.

No one, Andy. I mean, nobody has a higher quality of pig semen than the UK. Oh, I will put the contents of our pig's cleanliness up against the contents of other pig's cleanliness from all over the world. If I really think that is something we should be pointing out more as a nation, maybe our new tourism slogan should be come visit Britain the location of the highest quality pig semen on earth

Wait, where are you going? I want to see that on billboards everywhere It should be mentioned in our national anthem and the God save our gracious queen, long live our noble queen, and God save our high quality of pig semen. We have the greatest queen and highest quality of pig semen. Those two are not connected, but we're proud of them both. I'd like to see, I'd like to see it represented on the national flag as well. Well, I think you might actually be right, and because even business insider reported this week, this being a great deal for the UK, saying, sperm is one way to make money of high-quality pigs without affecting the domestic supply, and there are broader hopes within the UK agricultural industry that Britain could turn itself into something like the Saudi Arabia of sperm,

selling its liquid gold, not only from pigs, but also from cattle and sheep, to China and other places around the world. Did you hear that, Andy? The Saudi Arabia of sperm. Now, we definitely need a new flag. That's the point, just a picture of a pig with an oil derrick over its penis. The Saudi Arabia of sperm, Andy. Don't act like this is a bad thing. The Saudi Arabia of sperm. We are back, Andy.

We're so back, I'm not sure we ever left! Well it just goes to Sojon, what a great nation this is because whenever else we may lose in this country, Jon, we may have lost our empire. We may be unsure of our national identity in a changing world, maybe an increasingly marginalised play on the international scene. We may have lost any semblance of what we truly value as a nation beyond the creation and retention of wealth, but whatever we lose, John, we know as a nation we will always be able to wank off pigs in industrial quantities and wank them off well. Who cares if the pigs end up feeling emotionally used when it turns out it wasn't quite the love across the barricades of fair that they thought?

We are Britain and when there is a pig's penis to be scrumpled for money we will do it. Where porkey testicles need to be claw-mactor-sized, we will roll up our sleeves and get to it because whatever else we are as a nation, we want pigs for Chinese money better than anyone else. Actually, yes! I haven't actually checked the figures on that. I mean, $73.6 million of pigs ludge does seem like quite a lot, but maybe it's not as if that much. How much does each sample of pig floppable go for?

I bet the Germans have no qualm in about pig stimulation. And the French would not even baton island of the quick mandibillacion comagriculture erotic, de la pig. The amazing thing about this deal Andy, is that it doesn't even stop there. Because this deal is also rumored to include a large export of pig's trotters, which while not used much in British cooking, are a massive delicacy in China.

In October apparently, a Chinese official was apparently suspended after running up bills of over $700,000 you had, nearly $200,000 at a picture-trotter restaurant over just three years. I mean, aside not Andy, wow, that guy loves eating picture-trotters. He loves them, more than the pigs who have them attached to the end of their legs. I've never heard a politician have to call a press conference to announce his resignation due to a debilitating pick trot or addiction. Anyway, that's not the point.

So the point is, with the pick, semen and pick trot or deal, this is genuinely great news for the British economy, albeit mixed news for British pigs. Because, surely after they've been assisted in making a semen deposit, they're going to look at the person who helped them and say, oh, thank you very much for that. That was delightful. Hold on. Why are you looking so closely at my feet? What the fuck are you doing?

I need those. Ow! Stop it. I was not aware this was part of the deal. Also, that is a tough job to mention on a first day, Dandy. So, what do you do for a living? Oh, I'm a farmer. That is interesting.

What kind of farmer? I specialize in making footless pigs ejaculate. Well, it was lovely to meet you. I've just remembered I have to be miles from here in media. LAUGHTER Well, guess so. If we are ejaculating the pigs, they're not going to need their own, their own, you know, if we are ejaculizing the pigs, they're not going to need their own,

their own, you know, limble appendages to do it for them. So, you know, why not chop their feet off? Well, I think what's extra impressive about this, Andy, and this goes full circle, is going back to that quote that you mentioned at the start, that very snide-cutting quote from the Chinese newspapers saying the camera administration should acknowledge that the UK is not a big power in the eyes of the Chinese. saying the camera administration should acknowledge that the UK is not a big power in the eyes of the Chinese. It's just an old European country apt for travel and study. This has gradually become the habitual thought of the Chinese people. Oh, really China? Well, that's pretty insulting. And I guess you better just hope

that we don't remember that when you're on your knees begging for pig semen. Wow that came out wrong. I've been spending too much time in Hollywood. Toronto Mayor Update now and a key story that we've missed over the last few weeks concerned. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, the so-called crack mayor, when I counted the fact that, you know, he smoked crack in office, which is, you know, illegal, something which, you know, he doesn't seem to think is a major problem, which it kind of is, due to, you know, the mayor running the police force into Toronto.

So it's been a slightly strange story for the bugle to miss out on due to its inherent ridiculousness. And the fact that this man is a walking clown. But a report came out this week in Canada claiming that police documents indicate he may actually have attempted to buy the video, the first video of him smoking crack before it was publicly released, for $5,000 in cash and a car. Apparently, according to the wiretap, the men said they would meet with him,

but then they would ask for $150,000. Wow, Andy, crack dealers drive a heart-hawking. Whether you just can't trust them. Was that all sad? Are there no heroes left anymore? Was that 150,000 but no car? Or? I don't know, I'm not sure.

I think that was probably $150,000 just negotiating on the cash. Then the car might have become a helicopter. Okay, was the $5,000 in a car? That sounded like a prize on a kind of 1980s game show. Maybe 150 grand and a tumble dryer or something. Well, I don't know. And then the author might have been, you know, not so much that he was buying the video tape, but that he was buying the right to keep

his knees. I think that, you know, it's amazing how quickly those escalations, those negotiations can escalate. It does seem that Rob Ford is drifting away from his lifetime goal of being viewed as the Canadian Nelson Mandela. And you really have to admire his work rates, John, because he has crammed a hell of a lot of spectacular wrongdoing into an extremely short space of time. I mean, this guy really, he works hard, he works hard at it, John. And the most extraordinary thing is, early in November, when police announced that the video Ford had denied existed, not only did actually exist, but was also in the police's possession. His approval ratings went up.

That is the opposite of down, up. And clearly, Toronto was thinking to itself, well, let's be realistic, we're Canada, all publicity is good publicity. So we're in luck about 4D, he has got us in the news, he's taken one for the team. And it also shows that people have had enough of PR-print, lozging smooth, politicians and more to the point, I think they want someone in office who is a bigger dick than they are. That gives us reassurance that if only we could be asked, we could make it to the top as well. So he's very much a hero and an inspiration. And we've

reported in the past on people voting for dead politicians and rhinoceros and things like that. And this is really another shot across the bowels of the political classes. Toronto basically, happy with a crack smoking lunatic with a self-control of a turkey-hating psychopath doing overtime in an abattoir not long before Thanksgiving. Thank you, Lergy Time now and will this be slightly tricky? See, this is a podcast that has proven itself to be relatively immune from sincerity over the years, but I think we can probably all agree. The Alsa Mandela was an incredible human being. I remember watching him get released on TV. I was 12, standing in my parents' kitchen

as he walked out of jail. I remember the small things that led up to that moment. I remember it being important that we didn't buy bananas from South Africa during a part-time. To always look for South African sticker in the supermarket on a banana and then put the banana back down. If you saw one, I remember his face on t-shirt at free Mandela concerts on TV.

I remember growing up knowing in the abstract that this was a better human being than most other human beings. But it wasn't until I went to South Africa in 2010 that I got a sense of exactly what impact his life has had on every single human being in that country. We were there shooting some pieces for the Daily Show about the World Cup and we did a piece about race relations which involved me asking people in the streets in Johannesburg how it was that white people were still alive in South Africa, how it was that they were not hated and every single person, literally 100% of the around 50 people that I spoke to on the street said a variation of this. Well we couldn't hate because Medeba told us not to. He didn't hate anyone and if he didn't hate after everything that he'd been through, then how could I? This was an unbelievable human being. He sacrificed everything physically

and personally for his country. If it wasn't for him, there may not even be a South Africa today. When people pass away, it's often said that they're not gone, that their memory and impact lives on. Let's be honest, a significant amount of time that is completely pulsing down the... Nelson Mandela though, perhaps more than anyone else, that we get to share the earth with in our lifetimes will never be forgotten. He was to put it in an inappropriately profane way.

F***ing amazing. LAUGHS And, uh, obviously very popular all around the world and particularly in America, so popular in fact, that he was removed from the US government's terror watch list, John, in which year? Which year's a little quiz for you? Oh, well, it was probably almost immediately, Andy. I want to say...

I mean, we're going decades back, right? Yeah, I mean, you might think... Right, Andy? Well, you might think why was he on that list in the first? Maybe it was a trick question. Maybe he was never on the terror watch list. That's right. It was a typo, so that's why it came off so quickly. In fact, it was in 2008 that he was finally removed the US government's terror watch list. The bugle, of course, began in 2007. I'm not saying we were directly responsible, but you can draw your own conclusions. But 2008, that is just the 18 years after he was released from jail. The 14 years after he became president of South Africa,

nine years after he stopped being president of South Africa and four years after he largely withdrew from public life due to failing health. So why finally in 2008? Well, that was the year that he turned 90, John. An America clearly finally thought, oh, he's probably okay now, best keep on iron him. In fact, he seems to be popular,

not just in America, but all around the world. Let's keep an eye on him. In fact, it seems to be popular, not just in America, but all around the world. Let's keep an eye on everyone in America and the entire planet, one, two, three, mega snoop. So basically Mandela is responsible for all the snooping scandals we've seen of regionally, as that's his true legacy to the world. Ha, ha. It was put on the terror list,

terror watch list by President Reagan whilst he was in a fairly high security jail on the North Island with a party in full swing, which just suggests that Reagan was not only barking up the wrong tree, but he was also barking at the wrong cat. A Mandela, of course, was not only a figure of inspirational dignity and idealism and a symbol of humankind's intermittent ability to rise above its own destructive self-interest, but much more importantly, John, he was a massive sports fan. And he famously turned up to the Robbie World Cup Final in 1995 in Johannesburg, where

only Springbok, Jersey, the South African National Rugby Jersey. Very much a symbol of white Afro-Khanna, South Africa, one of the most potent acts of sporting symbolism and a kind of landmark moment for the modern South Africa. There were then shots of him through the match, watching the game and enjoying it and smiling. Clearly not a real rugby fan, John. If he'd been a real rugby fan, he'd have spent the entire match shouting at the referee. Jouting, ref, ref, penalty, his knees were in contact with the wrong blade of class for a fraction of a second. Are you blind, ref? Offside, his towel is one millimeter in front of someone else's ass. Wake up, ref, wake up!

But I guess he had to put that aside for the day and realize that he had a broader responsibility to his nation. And that is the kind of man that he was. My family had a branch of my family had quite, had very close relations with Mandela. My father's uncle and cousins were in the ANC and my father's cousin, in fact, was subsequently in government, is currently the governor of the Reserve Bank in South Africa

suggesting that that branch of the family got all these serious genes, I'm not mistaken, I've missed out on. So I just wrote, they, they didn't, how are you young, band-aid? that branch of the family got all these serious genes List out They they didn't how while you yang banding I'd like to play my own personal tributes to Mandela because as has been said Not just on this esteemed program but around the world his forgiveness was quite extraordinary after everything he was put through and it kind of really showed on amazing man He was because we, we are genetically programmed

to hold grudges. That is why we eat chickens and turkeys, because birds are the centers from dinosaurs who used to eat us on a daily basis. So we get our vengeance through eating chickens and turkeys. We are basically naturally a grudge-bearing species, as proved by, for example, history, politics,

and global current affairs. Now, I personally find it difficult not to hold a grudge-bearing species as proved by, for example, history, politics and global current affairs. Now, I personally find it difficult not to hold a grudge, even about fairly minor things. That is part of being human and part of being in showbiz, like I am. Now, two years ago, I was on a ferry to Spain with my wife and two children who were then aged four and two. As part of the onboard entertainment, 2.30pm, much trumpeted by the ferry was a show featuring the ferry company's mascot, Pierre the Bear. Well off we troop to see this light entertainment legend, this earth sign sonata of the seas. In the ship's bar stroke entertainment area, there were only two other children there. The top clock ticked past showtime, no Pierre the Bear.

Two more kids turned up, still, no Pierre the Bear. Then finally at a quarter to three, someone comes out and says, Pierre the Bear will not be doing the show today, but your kids can come and have their picture taken with him. Now, who is this pseudo-canniformian shipbag and his maritime show is Miff? Pierre the Bear does not perform to audiences of six. He is Pierre the Bear, he deserves better than that. You should be honored just to be in his presence. Well, John, this riled me, John. This is the source of my garage,

because not only has Andy Zoltzman performed to audiences of six, he has performed to audiences of less than six, quite often. And more to the point, when you are Pierre the Bear, or more appropriately, you are an entertainer on a ship and you already gone to the trouble of putting on the f***ing bear costume, why would you just, why would you just not do the f***ing show anyway? Do the, do the show Pierre the Bear? Even if you're having a really bad bear costume, why would you just, why would you just not do the f***ing show anyway? Do the, do the show Pierre the Bear, even if you're having a really bad bear day, possibly exacerbated

by having been on a ferry for 80 hours, with nothing even slightly resembling the woods, do the show, it still annoys me more than two years on, and having subsequently been on the same ferry trip, and seeing Pierre the Bear do the afternoon show, and thought, yeah, we didn't miss much the first time around. It still winds me up, John, as a point of principle. Nelson Mandela by contrast was jailed for 27 years by a regime of appalling moral degradation, stripped of his freedom, dehumanized subjected to abuses of various kinds at the hands of an industrially racist state. And he comes out and says, let's all learn to get along. He would not have held a two-year grudge against Pierre the bear if he'd been on that ferry

John. Well that is a pretty big if admittedly. He would have reached out to Pierre the bear. He'd have tried to understand why he didn't do the show and tried to inspire the beleaguered and disillusioned bear to strive to better himself and to entertain his public. He would have left the ferry a better place as he has left the world a better place. I'm not saying that the entertainment lounge on board the ports with the Santander Ferries my own personal Robin Ireland but I am saying that Nelson Mandela is a greater man

than I insist on that. And that you did the impossible you made me appreciate Mandela even more than I did previously. Well I'm going to put that in further context on because here's a man who can make you appreciate Mandela even more than that because celebrities, of course, were quick to the airwaves and to Twitter to pay their respects to Mandela. And none more so than the Iron Shake who took some time off from his personal beef with Smurf 2 as a movie. Yeah. To say, Nelson Mandela, Iron Shake Class. Oh.

My good friend, he always loved me and I love him forever. Nelson Mandela, never a jab-brony like Kamala, which I did some translation. Jab-brony apparently means loser and Kamala was one of his wrestling opponents. Okay, what would bring Kamala into this? But still, the point is the point is a good one. It's just it's a shame he had to use it to test someone else down. That's not the point. The point is the Iron Sheet's heart is in the right place. That's right. And he says, if he says Mandela is in the Iron Sheet class, who we did disagree with him? He did then follow it up by saying, Paris Hilton, you dumb bitch, you're worse than Ultimate Warrior, go f**k yourself. But, you know, it just shows that life moves on, John.

Life moves on. I guess so. Thanks very much for listening. Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. Send us your emails who infoatthebuglepodcast.com. The new merch is available at thebuglepodcast.com. Ideal Christmas presents, Postal schedules permitting. So thanks very much for listening and we'll be back with bugle 253 next week.

Until then, goodbye. Bye!