The Bugle - Bugle 259 – Sochi Special

Episode Date: February 7, 2014

Andy and John report on the latest from Sochi – where Vlad Putin should be celebrating just how amazingly gay the Olympics are, rather than getting all homophobic. Plus! Massive wooden penis found on car! And pigs faces – too shocking for publication! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bee Euglers, and welcome to issue 259 of the Bugle, if you've not heard it before. It's basically what Shakespeare, Dante, Homer and Sunsou would have come up with if they've been around today and decided to make something exactly the same as this. I am Andy Zoltmann in London, Cosmopolitan City of Culture and if the rain and flooding don't stop soon in the South England soon to be luxury coastal resort and joining me from New York City. It's the man who is not just the real wolf of Wall Street. He's also the Badger of Broadway, the Lemming of Lexington, the angry Armadillo of the

Avenue of the Americas, the Manating antelope of Madison Avenue, the tenaciously celibate panda of Tomkin Square Park. The cross-bred wippet hippopotamus of West Houston, fast but socially timid. I think I've taken this one as far as I can go. Look at how there's one more. The eagle with hardened steel feathers of East 160 Fitz Street. It's the one man, manadury of Muth. The zing-ing zookeeper himself, the man who feeds Pengwins to

Kelo Worlds and makes them puke out of tiger. It's John Oliver! He's just written 16 sequels for you, Scorsese. At least make five of them! Hello Andy! Hello John. Hello Pugeless. Now, on Wednesday night, Andy, I went to watch the New York Knicks play at Madison Square

Gardens. It's a great place to watch anything in this. Always a a moment whenever you go there that they show on the big screen any people who are in the crowd that people might know. I've seen this happen many times before, so this time it's very exciting. They show Manny Pacquiao, the place went crazy, and then they show giant Super Bowl winning running back, Brandon Jacobs. People went completely nuts. Then they show to sing it a shanty and they were huge cheers and then Andy And I think you might know where this is going Then I saw a cameraman move towards me and I thought oh no

No, this is not happening next thing. I know I'm on the big screen Andy and the crowd Makes exactly as much noise as they've been making before and after I was on the big screen. If I was to describe the response Andy, I would say it was ambient noise. Neither good, nor bad. Probably with an undertone of mutton conversation such as who's that and was he a smurf. It was a beautiful and entirely accurate portrayal of my mathematical place in the canon of Celebrity Andy. Maddie Pacquiao, yes! Brandon Jacobs, holy shit! A shuntty, wow! John Oliver! Okay, and Domino's pizza. Yes! Well, maybe this was the problem. They needed you to speak in your Smurfs voice. And then you would say that's probably the best, isn't it? Whatever my Smurfs voice is,

again, I haven't seen it yet. I don't know if they pitch it up chipmunk style or if they leave it be. I don't know. So this is Bugle 259. 259 coincidentally, the most consecutive penalties ever missed in a penalty shootout. It's an interesting story, this one, John. It's a match in 1969, I think in the early days of the NASL in America, when all drawn matches had a penalty shootout, or if they'd lost the balls, a projectile flop off. Anyway, it was a match between the Cleveland Spankers and the Miami Tammies. Turned out the Tammie Winer, demographic did not cross over to soccer. Ended one all. After goals from the aging German international

Reichstag Schnitzelstner, and the aging World Cup winning Brazilian Wizard Pancrius, man, they'd choose some more names over there. Anyway, the game went to a historic shootout that ultimately was responsible for ending the NASL practice of allowing teams to use lorries as substitutes in a deal with the league sponsors who are at that point a drive your own road freight haulage company called Go Truck Yourself. Anyway, both sides subbed a lorry on with a minute to go, then put the lorry and goal for the shootout and let the tyres down. Each team slammed its first 128 penalties

against the side of the lorry. Whilst the goal mouth became increasingly churned up as the flat-tied truck strove in and out of the penalty box for each kick. Eventually, the spankers truck ran out of fuel, leaving pancreas as aging Brazilian teammate Miriam with an open goal from 12 yards to win it for the Tammies. But he did one of those stupid jittery run-ups to try and send the keeper the wrong way and blasted it over the bar. Then the Tammies Laurie got stuck in the mud, so upstep the spanker striker to finish it off.

The aging former England centre-forward Steve Blummer, early big money signing as the NASL, tried to fill the league with international stars. Of course, Blummer was then record goal scorer in the English top division and scored more than a goal a game in his international career. But sadly, he couldn't slot home the winning penalty, having not played since before the First World War and having died in 1938. Still he bought a bit of media attention to the league. So decent international signing. Then the Tammy's aging Yugoslavian stars, Donkho Plonkovich, hit a post after tripping over Bloomberg's corpse in his run-up. Leaving these bankers high profile French signing, Brigitte Bardot to fire home the winning girl. Thanks, Peter God, for he can tell between the shit and the chocolate.

So that's 259 pupils. Andy, that was a long walk for a go truck yourself, joke. I'm not saying the destination to not make that stroll worthwhile. As always, a section of this bugle is going straight to the binis, being the bugle for the 10th of February, this week, well, it's the beginning of the Olympics, and we have in the bin the Sochi Olympics audio

Facebook helping you to get on with the locals with our bugle Russian guide Here are your phrases for this week Skiing, cheeseegas, drowskaya, pre-crash, crush, and if we're a skiing turtle, it's my beautiful wimple. Hahaha. Juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush,

juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, juryadush, jury of milk, no sugar please, or I will fucking scream. So I should help you through the first few days of the Olympics, that section in the bin. On that note, top story this week, more cowbell, it's Winter Olympics time.

Look, it's Winter Olympics a clock Andy, and let's be clear right from the start, I'm not in favor of the Winter Olympics. Not just these Winter Olympics Andy, but any Winter Olympics. In fact, I've decided that I'm only okay with the Winter Olympics if they are forced to swap with the Summer Olympics every four years. So, meaning every four years you have your regular summer, your regular Winter Olympics. And every eight years they switch and you have a blistering hot winter Olympics,

and a frozen summer Olympics. Because that would be a wonderful thing to watch, Andy, a summer Olympics featuring swimmers flapping around on the ice on frozen lakes, javelin throwers, hands sticking to their javelins, and sprinters waddling awkwardly through a snow drift. And then a winter Olympics featuring competitors in the Looge, awkwardly shifting themselves down the track in 80 degree weather on their ass,

and justifiably terrified-looking ski jumpers at the top of a mountain of sheet rock. These though, Andy, are the most expensive winter Olympics in history, reportedly costing more than all the other winter Olympics in history combined, which is a lot to spend on something that very few people given even chantangential shit about. And it's a little hard to see where that money went other than into some frighteningly furry Russian pockets. There have been multiple photos released this week from athletes and journalists of subpar

accommodations in Sochi, toilet cubicles with side-by-side toilets, other toilets without a flush function, which, and you hate to be a stickler, which seems key to any toilet post-18th century. I mean, something's a tradition for a reason, John, aren't they? Right, right. Now, one likes a Maverick 100% of the time? Other hotel rooms had no bedding or no shower curtains or no running water. And the Russian government have been quick to push back

on this flood of photos, but in doing so, may have inadvertently revealed something even more troubling. Because Dmitry Dozak, the deputy prime minister, who is responsible for all the Winter Olympic preparations, claimed that these are just stories made up by Westerners who are actively trying to sabotage the Sochi games. He said that, and I quote, we have surveillance video from the hotels that shows people turning on the showers, directing the nozzle at the wall, and then leaving the room for the whole

day. Wait, hold on. So hold on. So hold on, you're saying, don't worry, we know that the water works fine in your hotel rooms, and the reason we know that is that we have secret cameras in the show. Well, I'm sure John, when Russia bid for the games, for a start, everyone would have assumed that would happen. And true, that's fair. I think Putin's direct enough, they would have probably have been in the original bid document anyway. 51 billion dollars. Yeah, the cost apparently.

That's four times the London Games cost. As you say, more than all previous Winter Olympics combined, including the famous 1924 Winter Olympics in Belgium, when they had to build a 3,000 meter high fake mountain out of crushed waffles and frozen chocolate coated with icing sugar. Between a third and a half of that sum has been attributed to corruption and kickbacks apparently, which are frankly as Russian as vodka dying early of alcohol related illness and assassinating Tsars.

It was just part of the deal, John. There was an 18 mile stretch of road between Sochi and the mountain sports base at the Krasnaya Polyanna. Apparently, this has cost not two, not five, not ten, not twenty, but eight point six billion dollars. That is over half the cost of the entire London Olympics, just for a stretch of road. I mean, apparently it's got a lovely service station

with at least two of those automatic coffee machines, but you have to ask, is that a value for money? And there's an opposition leader called Boris Nemtsov, who if he'd been around 65 years ago, would not have been around anymore 65 years ago. And he claimed that you could have paved the road with gold or caviar and it would have cost the same. Now it being Russia is hard to tell if this is a criticism or a complaint or a missed opportunity. But also what Nemtsov hasn't taken into account is that neither gold nor caviar function at a tall well as road surfaces. Gold gives you a terrible glare on a sunny day. Whilst caviar, you pretty much need to resurface it on a weekly basis. It is too damn squidgy or they're on the plus side. Caviar eggs have been found to have a genetic quirk in which

if someone drives over them at more than 110 kilometers per hour, the Russian speed limit, they automatically hatch and baby caviar scuttle off in pursuit, making it much easier for police to tell when people are speeding. It's another factor for you, John. This winter Olympics has been particularly controversial in the run-up, particularly surrounding Russia's brutal laws regarding homosexuality. And this particular law was signed into effect just last July, in which Bans, the promotion of non-traditional sexuality to under 18s, and which is so restrictive and so vague that it effectively bans

any public expression of support for gay rights, whatsoever, leading to huge numbers of gay and transgender people in Russia living in constant fear of violence. And according to the Mayor of Sochi, where the Winter Olympics are taking place, that particular law is irrelevant to his city as he claims there are no gay people living there. Oh! OK, then Andy, I guess he wouldn't say that if it wasn't true. I mean, yes, there are apparently several gay bars in Sochi, but I presume that they're permanently empty

and their success as businesses is some form of witchcraft. That makes perfect sense. Perfect, when challenge, the mayor admitted that he was not actually certain. There were no gay people in Sochi, but he did say, I'm not sure, but I don't bloody know them. And again, he's right Andy,

because if you don't know someone, they don't technically exist. This is an old man who could... That's right, this is the man who clearly never got around to learning about object permanence as a baby. Sure, he wants Sora gay person, but then he closed his eyes and that gay person disappeared

and therefore no longer existed. He actually said that homosexuals were welcome at the Olympic Games as long as they respect Russian law and don't impose their habits on others. Hold on, okay. Let's just stop right here Andy. Homosexuals are welcome at the Olympic Games.

Gay people basically invented the Olympic here Andy. Homosexuals are welcome at the Olympic Games. Game people basically invented the Olympic Games Andy, winter and summer. If it hadn't been for a bunch of naked oiled up ancient Greeks wrestling each other, there would be no f***ing Olympics. You don't invite them, they invite you! Yeah, the mayor, his name is Anatoliy Pachamoff, which I think coincidentally was the British foreign office's nickname for Joseph Stalin at the height of the purgeist. Oh goodness, looks like another couple of million people have gone missing in Russia. Seems like little Anatoliy Pacamoff has been a harder work again with his special railway.

A Putin, there was also been very much jumping on the G horse. Warning against gay propaganda, which, and he's also said, must show terrorists no fear. Glee finds homosexuals more frightening on a personal level than terrorists, which is a slightly odd choice. And it would be a bit of an odd place to promote homosexuality, the Winter Olympics.

I can't quite see how this would work. Hey, see that Bob's lead looks a bit like a Willie, doesn't it? Go on, try homosexuality, the Winter Olympics. I can't quite see how this would work. Hey, see that Bob's lead looks a bit like a Willie, doesn't it? Go on, try homosexuality. Pairs, ice skating, don't like it. Then you're probably gay. Homosexuality, the connoisseur's choice, ladies, do you like those beautiful mountains? Yes. Well, their nature's tits. Be a lesbian. It's simply not going to work, John. There's a reason you have dorted all window salesmen, dorted all political canvassing, your hovers, witnesses and the like. That's because they have some small chance of persuading you over to their cause, whether that cause be buying windows, voting for tax breaks for billy-dairs, or dying due to refusal to take a blood

transfusion. But we don't have door to door homosexual experimentation persuaders, at least not where I live. Because in essence, it isn't something that you're likely to be sold. Have you ever considered being sexually attracted to people with the same type of wobbly bits as you? No, it's not really my thing. Get out of my front door, slam. Or this isn't a good time.

I'm just putting up another shelf. Slam, and don't leave your fucking magazine. People only take it to make you go away. Or maybe, actually, I'm already a subscriber to homosexuality, but if you get everywhere with Julio down the road, I'll be very grateful indeed Maybe I'm wrong, maybe people could be persuaded. Oh now you mention it I have been stuck in a loveless marriage for 40 years and find physical contact with my spouse, absolutely repellent. Maybe I'll give it a spin. So it's fair to be so

scared of this, John, I just don't understand it. Well he's been putting, he's been trying to put on a friendly face in Russia over the last couple of weeks And he said just last week that homosexuals would be welcome in Sochi But said just leave the children alone and look there are so many jokes under you can do and the fact that Putin himself Is so fond of being photographed shirtless on horses that he may be the most homerorotically the since colligula But the truth is the Russia is a dangerous place to be gay. There've been some horrifying videos coming out on the internet this week of gay people

in Russia being hunted down humiliated in beaten. There was an awful documentary on Channel 4 called hunting this week and the IOC has responded to this by not f**king responding at all. And the truth is that the IOC or any major sporting body could sell them give a single sh** about human rights when money is on the line. Their moral compass is permanently pointing towards a dollar sign, Andy. Look at FIFA. They gave the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, where homosexuality is punishable by a jail term. And have only shown any inclination to change the location of the World Cup when people suggested that the players might be a bit too hot. Not that gay people might be a bit too jailed, Andy.

No, that's fine. But the footballers might be too toasty. I think maybe it's done with the IOC to change their slogan too. The IOC overlooking human rights atrocities since at least 1936. It's a long thing, Putin. He said you can feel free in your relations, but leave children in peace. He does seem to be mixing up homosexuals with pedophiles, which is, and again, a strange mistake. So, mate, are you going to imagine him saying, yes, by

all means eat meat, but don't hack my elderly mother to pieces and cook her up as a stew, it's an audio animal, by all means, spend your money in our city, but for fuck's sake, don't hold up a bank at gunpoint, steal millions of dollars from the safe, and escape in a stolen van while mowing down the coppers and passes by in a hail of bullets. It's simply not on. In his latest attempt to present a friendly image, Putin staged a photo up with a leopard cup. A leopard cup this week. He was surprised.

He was surprised, his own son, John. He was surprisingly shirted in the photograph. Presumably as an act of safety, so it was not to drive any gay people, wild with desire at the sight of his rippling Russian torso. That's right, you brought it on yourself, Putin. You brought it on yourself. He held the cup in his lap, saying, I like animals, it seems I have a feeling for them. We like each other.

Now the cup, however, didn't seem to like the assembled reporters, because apparently it scratched one on the hand and bit another one on the knee as Putin tried to calm it down. And that is a classic power move from Putin Andy. Oh thank goodness I was here to stop you being torn apart by this wild animal. Of course next time, if you have angered me, I may find it more difficult to protect you. Food for thought, anyway. Another story related to the homophobia of Mr. Putin came from the volunteers at Sochi. Now in London, they all wore kind of flammable purple shirts. In Sochi, they were wearing rainbow coloured uniforms and one of the volunteers asked Putin at a meeting last week if they might be breaching the ban on gay propaganda

by wearing these rainbow coloured uniforms. Putin replied that he had not designed the uniform. That to me sounds like a yes you are breaking that ban. And it's the opening ceremony starting in a couple of hours as we record on Friday. And people will be on the lookout for any dancing that looks even slightly camp. It's going to be very interesting to see John the opening ceremony. It's going to express everything that Russia and the Sochi games are about, including a spectacular routine in which two tons of gold are melted down and poured directly into the pocket of a 50-foot animatronic oily gawk. Another scene reminiscent of the happy singing in the streets of Danny Boyle's London 2012 extravaganza, in which members of a 1950s poetry club were taken to a wood

and never seen again before a dog is catapulted into space. There are also rumors that some of the sports facilities aren't finished despite the $50 billion spend. In fact, in ski jumping training, early this week, the first guy down the ramp, the Greeks Sri Lankan jumper, El like someone falling down the stairs. Anyway, Polypropovalopadedes representing the say shelves are onically flagged at confelence. He flew off the end of the hill only to find that there was no landing area and disappeared down a giant creviste directly into the earth's core. Also due to a double booking the men's ice hockey semi-finals and the free program of the women's ice skating are going to have to take place at the same time that will be absolutely un-missable television.

There's also a level crossing half-way down the Bob's sled run where a busy train line crosses over. That could be absolutely crucial. We need to get a good start time. Whilst he's starting into the downhill ski run I've been put at the wrong ends of the course which might rather dull the spectacle of the blue ribbon event be fascinating to watch it all unfold.

the spectacle of the Blue Ribbon event be fascinating to watch it all unfold. In other Russian news, Russian activist and critic of Putin finds massive wooden penis and testicles on her car. That is a strong headline, a John Fully Engaude's Tree trunk junk, was chained to her vehicle. It was vanily realistic and by the looks of it carved from a Jewish tree. There is no news yet on who put the Titanic Timber toger and Leviathan Lignius Lumberlumps on her car. But this Zyla Bone has certainly grabbed the world's attention. Spectacular performance. It was amazing. It just goes to show that in the Royal Olympics any country has to tone down its more violent repression techniques and go with more imaginative forms of oppression and Putin has hit the jackpot here. It was a Russian activist, Kachya Romanovskaia, who's an outspoken critic of Putin.

She walked out one morning this week to go to our car, only to see that it had a giant 200 pound wooden penis strapped to the roof. Message sent, Andy, quite a weird message sent, but sent anyway. I guess it's not the mafia used to send a dead fish, or you know, you'd wake up with a horse's head in your bed. In Russia, you wake up with a giant wooden penis on your car. The message is basically the same as just the means of delivery, which varies. There was some dispute over who exactly put it there. People do shouldn't assume it was Putin supporters trying to get a message across. I guess that message would be, John as you suggested, if you do not stop criticizing our glorious Supreme Leader,

we will chain a massive set of wooden genitals to your car. We cannot be any clearer than that. But it could not have been something different, could have been a possibly a romantic erotic gift from a lover who just mixed up inches with feet. Yes, I'm bringing about the wooden penis. You've got my plastic cast. Good, well, I wouldn't be really realistic. No, no, that is the right thing. I don't want to brag. It's not that big, it the five and a half feet, bit below average, I'm not ashamed. No, no, no, I don't want it to scale. Just exactly as I ordered it.

Possibly an act of God, the old Russian Orthodox God, maybe hanging out with one of his old Randy Greco Roman God friends, got some ideas. Possibly though a traffic ward, I think it's the most likely explanation who'd run out of parking tickets and just improvised.

And thought to himself, what says you're not allowed to park your car here most clearly? Well, I don't have a paper or pens with me, but I do have a true trunk, a chinesaw, a chisel, a teacher's self wood carving manual and my own wooly and woggles to muggle it on. Why not?

Plunk of giant woodwagon, a pair of silver and scrotulets on her bonnet? That will teach her, do not park on my yellow lines. Katja apparently called the local police who came and wrote a report about the gigantic penis on her car, but they then said to her that the wooden penis was now hers to keep. So, I mean, look, not too shabby, Andy.

Russian dissidents used to get sent to Siberia for their entire lives. Now, they get free 200 pound wooden penises. Who says that country is not evolving? That was a really good one to explain when you got home. How was your day, dear? Oh, it was fine. How was yours?

Oh, I found a 200 pound wooden penis on my car. How is yours? Oh, I found a 200 pound wooden penis on my kear. Ha ha ha. The opening ceremony, as you say, is taking place very, very shortly as we speak now. But if Putin wants any tips regarding showmanship, and apparently there's an earlier report that tattoo apparently the pretend lesbian band

are going to be performing in an act of no-hour or any what, so ever. But if he wants any tips regarding real showmanship, who did you get in touch with the Pope Andy? Because last week the Pope released two white doves of peace from the balcony of St Peter Square surrounded by children and watched gently by tens of thousands of onlookers, the doves were immediately attacked by a seagull and a crow. It was perhaps the most powerful piece of symbolism in the history of humanity, Andy. Doves of peace attacked and pecked by other birds. Apparently, one dove lost some feathers as it broke free from the seagull

and the crow repeatedly pecked at the other dove. The doves attempted to escape by flying off, but were hotly pursued by the attacking birds and it's not clear what happened to the doves afterwards. And the best part of all of this, just before the Pope released the doves, he'd appealed for peace in Ukraine. So the protesters must have watched those doves

bludgeoned at the Vatican. Those protesters in Kiev must have watched that footage and gone, oh, it doesn't look good, guys. Maybe that's what Putin should do with the opening ceremony, Eddie. Have a selection of journalists and human rights activists, say their peace, and then have them attacked by leopard cubs. There's actually an update on the Ukraine situation. It's been spiced up even more after a hacked phone call yesterday was released between Victoria Nuland, who is the existence secretary of state here in the US, and the US envoy to Ukraine, in which Victoria Newland said, and I quote, f**k the EU. Now, the US has said that Newland has

apologized for these reported comments. So wait, she's apologized just for the reported comments, Andy. That implies that there are some unreported comments that she is not apologizing for. Perhaps she continued by calling the envoy back and saying, seriously, just to be clear, the EU can kiss my fucking ass. And you can tell them that. In fact, I want you to find an EU delegate and I'm going to text you a photo of my ass. And I want you to print it out.

And I want you to make them kiss that photo. And I want you to take a photo of them kissing it and I want you to text that back to me Because f**k the EU seriously. I hope someone is hacking this phone call right now And if they are I hope they release it so that the EU knows that I Victoria Nuland Assisted Secretary of State think that they should go f**k themselves seriously Those guys Them alright**k them. Alright. Newland out. So it's got the American diplomacy retainers delegate touch in the 21st century. Queen Bank account news now. And the bucket of palace reserves and the

are apparently down to their last million pounds and how is that possible? How can the queen be down to so few of the things with her fucking face on her? The public accounts committee. Could you come out, sorry. I already did. I got a car. Just you can't. The queen car. It you come out, sorry. In the age of... I got a cut. Just, you can't, the queen can't,

and it doesn't make any sense. The point is, the public accounts committee in the UK has criticized the royal household for mismanaging their finances. They currently get 31 million pounds of taxpayer funds given to spend on official duties. And those official duties might include things like travel for state visits overseas

or more stupid in weddings or soundproofing the basement in Buckingham Palace of the Queen can have her illegal cock fighting ring. Which is when she forces her butlers to dress up in chicken costumes and then bare knuckle box each other. The report's tradition is older's time itself. The report said that Buckingham Palace had overspent on their grant by 2.3 million pounds last year and had to dip into its reserves, leaving a balance of only 1 million pounds on the 31st of March last year, a historically low level of contingency. And the queen usually wants an emergency fund of at least a million pounds and they so that at a minute's notice

She can order it for her to be spread all over her bed and she can jump up and down on it shouting I'm the queen. I'm the queen. I've never been exposed to the reality of money I'm the queen and I'm gonna go downstairs in a minute and watch some buttons and chicken costumes fight each other! Well she has to have a million because just in case she ever needs to order 100,000 pizzas at a short notice. But the problem is down to a lot of million, I want the wealthiest women in the world, I think she's blown it all on the GGs online blackjack and bling basically. She was expensive hats but that's 3% of her annual

expenditure this one million that's basically a week and a half John before she is flat broke living on the streets busking out of cash and eating food out of bins that is these are dangerous times for this country and as a result of this she's managed to haggle a 22% pay rise which so it's going up to 38 million a year, not bad for an oldie. Most people, her age, are saving up to buy either a blanket or one of those part work magazines, build your own coffin in 30 issues, week one, and needlessly flash your handle. And most other public sector workers are making do with no pay rise, a tiny pay rise, a massive wage slash if they're

the wrong type of lawyer or just a general economic nut squeeze. But little Betty Bourbles, little Betty Bourbles is doing alright. Thirty-eight million. I mean, I know it's not technically wage, you've got expenses, courtiers and shit like that, but still a fucking hatch is worth more than Scotland The The gentlemen of the public accounts committee Margaret Hodges said there was huge scope for savings for the Royal House Hold on the Buckingham Palace should be opened to more paying visitors whenever the Queen is not in residence to fund improvements to the Royal Estate To which the Queen said yeah, but not in residence to fund improvements to the Royal Estate. To which the Queen said, yeah, but not in the basement, right? No one's allowed in the basement except me, right? I'm telling you, Andy, butler fights.

Anyway, the point is, she's got options, the Queen. And if she could go with opening the palestermor visitors, or she could just go to Vegas and put the entire annual Royal Budget on black if it comes through, she's fine. And if it doesn't, she has to auction off naming rights to the next royal baby, which might not be the worst thing, Andy. We could well be looking in the future and King Snickers the first.

I hope I live that long, John. I hope I live that long John. LAUGHTER As a result of these, the shortage of funding, apparently staff at Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle, are catching rain in buckets to protect the arts and antiquities in the palaces. That is bad news John, the last royal thing they had to catch in a bucket was Charles I's head. It does not bow well at all. They also said the Queen's, this is direct quote from an article read about it. The Queen's old boilers were contributing to bills of £774,000 a year.

Can she not get some kind of surgery for that? Oh boy, there's not enough time in the international New York Times Malaysia edition. It's happened a couple of weeks ago and again thanks to many of you who sent that in. We had about, I think about 80,000 people emailed us the story about the giant wooden penis in Russia and there is something so heartwarming about, you know, people email you something and say, you are going to need to see this. Or I saw this giant wooden penis on a car and immediately thought of you. Okay. Do you know what I think? I'm happy with that. So the company, the Princeton newspaper, blacked out the pictures of pigs in this article

about antibiotic-free meats in America, because of concerns that these pictures might be offensive to Muslims, as if the mere act of looking at a pig's piggy face could make lifelong adherence to the sacred word of Islam suddenly think, oh man, I would love to own that as a pet. I would love to own that. That's right. You've been talking a whole life that pigs are unclean, but you look at the face and go, hello, hello, hello Charlotte, you have caught me in your web. Frankly, if you've made your religious decisions and not eating piggies is one of those decisions and probably not hanging out with piggies too much,

there is another of those decisions. Then seeing a picture of a pig snoutily poor kind features is only gonna make you think, you are definitely made the right call on this one. Definitely the right call. But the really big question from this John, the really, really big question, is why do they black out the pig's faces when their naked pig butts and brawler's pig tits were

fully on display? Surely, they're either drawing their readers attention away from the face onto the pig arse and making them think, what are they trying to hide? These animals must have awesome faces. But by dehumanising the pigs, the messages, these animals are pieces of meat, which is presumably exactly what they were trying not to say. That's right, you're treating them like pieces of meat

which under Islam, they are not. Absolutely not. I'm besides, surely, if you don't know what a pig looks like, you need to know what it looks like, so you can avoid accidentally eating one on a night out. The only possible explanation is that these specific pigs had to be facially redacted because they were clearly mouthing the words, eat me or don't knock it till you've tried it. Most religions as we know have some pretty crazy rules and some that might seem crazy now

but I'm probably pretty sound advice at the time and I think no Eto Pigo falls very much into that latter category. Of course these rules are made long before we have the technology to smoke, cure and refrigerate rashes of pig to make them also tasty for weeks and weeks. I'm fully in favour of people's right to believe whatever they want and if I include deliberately choosing a lifetime without the succulent delicacy and mouth tinglingly ecstatic depth of flavour of a fine Ibeer in Hamon, then flare plate you, flare plate if you can turn that down for a lifetime you have my undying respect but I think in general if a picture of an animal's face upsets you that much reading a newspaper is a step too far for you

and the only in fact the only genuine excuse for this John is that this was a special edition printed on edible bacon flavored paper that is the only genuine excuse for this John is that this was a special edition printed on edible bacon flavored paper. That is the only possible reason they have for doing this. Your emails now, this one came from Amy and Josh. He writes, and the subject, please name our cat, dear Chris John and Andy, in order of who is least likely to make our cat's name a pun. My wife and I are adopting a second cat, and we'd like the bugle to name it for us.

Since this will be the cat's legal name, we do the one that we say at the vet and around the house. We'd appreciate it if the name used only as much profanity as his practical. Or so, if the name were Agendard, that would be great. For example, our first cat is named Peppers. Thanks, and then thoughts. Okay. Maybe, and Josh, well, I mean, that is a brave call to make giving us that responsibility. And I think maybe it's time for a bugle cat naming competition Andy be careful what you wish for well no no I'm being careful I'm being careful what Amy and Josh

wished for so try not to make it too profane bug Bueglis. Do email any suggestions for Amy and Josh's catch, should be called and mark it in the subject box, cat name. And, well, we'll have a, I think we should do this democratically. Yeah. I mean, frankly, that is maybe not quite as ludicrous as allowing us to name your child which I know has only been done once and that was by my wife with our second child. He ended up being called Horace.

So that is a risk. That is a risk you take. And this one came in from Niles who says, can you explain your bleeping policy? Is it only f*** and f***? Well, it's both of those things, as you those were bleaped. Yeah, so I don't know what those words were they, he was asking about, but it is only both of those. A lot of people do contact us about bleeping, saying we shouldn't, we should not bleep.

It seems to split opinion amongst people. I mean, we should not bleep. It seems to split a split opinion amongst people. I mean, I like a place bleep. Yeah, I like a bleep. That's a fun rhythm too. Yeah. I think if we, if there's that, there's that air of mystery. Yeah.

It's like a, it's like a tassel on a 1920s burlesque boob. That's right. You know, basically what's underneath. It's nice to have a tassel. Yeah. You know basically what's underneath. It's nice to have a tassel. You're a master of simile, John. Do you get your emails coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com? Don't forget to check out our soundcloud page. Soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. And you can get your bugle merch and take out your voluntary

subscriptions to keep this podcast free and independent at the bugle podcast dot com. Just time for a quick sports story, the biggest sports story probably of the last 2000 years John England have sacked their star batsman Kevin Peterson, this is cricket we're talking about for any American listeners who struggle to understand these things. Now Peterson is, he is a divisive figure. He's been dropped from the team once before for sending a uncomplimentary text about his own captain to opposition players. He was recalled then a few months after that, but now he's been kicked out basically for

good, and the explanation from the English cricket authorities was basically to say it's time to look to the future, which made absolutely no sense because he's only 33. So the subject is, he's just frankly too much of a tool. There was no full explanation, which suggests both sides are a bit embarrassed as to how this has come about. Persking, my big fan of Peterson.

But he has split opinion in English cricket so much that opinion has become a large city in Croatia where everyone performs leg-splang, groin and danger in gymnastics moves and shares the winnings in poker hands whilst eating bananas, cut down the middle and douse with whipped cream with a cherry on top whilst listening to a 1971 album by the British Blue Rock group, the Groundhogs. But on a personal level, and I'll try and take the positives

on these things, Peterson's demites is very good news for me because it puts me one step closer to a place in the England cricket team, and after the way their cricket team has been falling apart like a particularly advanced leper this winter, I've only needs three or four more injuries, or another few players to be trotskied into retirement in another England world cricket board, Morrell Springlin, and I'll be right in there, right in there. I think Pete doesn't have great as problem. Rather than anything specific, it just seems a bit vague, he doesn't always sing off the team him sheet, and sometimes it seems that he drowns out the rest

of the team's sweet, sweet harmonies by playing the electric guitar with his teeth Hendrix style. So it's been a tough winter for English cricket, John. Tough, tough winter. I think it's the sign of Armageddon. If you want more on Peterson R, there'll be a video of mine on Crick info that I recorded yesterday, including a very high tech piece of kit called the subtext recator, which extricates the tub text from Mealy Mouth words. I'll put a link to it on the Bugle Twitter feed. Hello Buglers. That's it for this week. We are done. It's Bugle 260. Next week Valentine's Day special. We'll be recording on Valentine's Day before. I don't think we've ever recorded

it actually on Valentine's Day before. This could get really... It's gonna be very romantic, isn't it? It could get really steaming. Ha ha ha ha. Really, really steaming. Thanks for listening, Googlers. Until next time, enjoy watching Vladimir Putin's Smug Smugface for the next week.

Goodbye. Bye!