The Bugle - Bugle 277 – Wow! Why?

Episode Date: November 6, 2014

Andy and John celebrate daredevils of the world. Warning, this show is one of 'those' ones, with the 'moments'. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information....

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.
Starting point is 00:00:48 Hello, Bee Euglers, and welcome to issue 277 of the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world week ending. Friday 7th November 2014, with me and his ultimate live, in London and from mid-term USA, that's similar to a normal USA but biture. It's the satirical doggy who fears not the postman of news and who will happily bite into the trouser leg of total lies. And thinks nothing of pooping on the pavement of political pomposity or shitting on the sidewalk of senatorial self-importance for history follows was it with its plastic bag of justice? It's John Oliver!
Starting point is 00:01:22 Hello Andy, hello Pughlers. I'm frankly still reeling as we were talking about Andy from last week when it turned out playboy had done a Halloween costume of me. A sexy Halloween costume. And I didn't know how to feel about it Andy. Obviously you know initially there's the instinct of what it's almost a compliment. You know to by that esteemed dying institution. And then that was instantly replaced by pure, pure insulted horror as you realise the only point of doing a sexy Halloween costume Andy is if the thing you're dressed up as is not sexy in the first place. Because only sexy Halloween costume is like, oh, it's a sexy sponge bob, it's a sexy
Starting point is 00:02:09 fire hydrant, not a sexy Ryan Gosling, that would make no sense. So, it seems I have all the sexy peel andy of a banana or another piece of fruit. So, this is Buegel 277, that means we've now done the same number of bugles as there are roughly days in the human gestation period. So for any attempting to be pregnant bugle is out there, you could now play your unborn future child a full episode of the bugle every single day of your pregnancy. That's right, and give birth to a sociopath. If you do do that, please do report back in 18 to 20 years time on exactly how troubled a childhood
Starting point is 00:02:52 you're offering suffered as a result. Also, 277 is the number of times at the words lame duck used in the average conversation between Republicans in the US this week. And the number of different options that William Wordworth tried on the end of his I wandered lonely as a line before plumping on cloud. The rejected versions included bastard, banana, weirdo, psychopathic golfer, really lonely chicken, dungeons and dragon
Starting point is 00:03:14 spirit in 1970s funk theme disco and Randy rhinoceros in a hip-hop of Ottomans Convent. And it's a week ending seventh and November, Leonotsky, 135 years old today. Ironically, on the day he was born, someone in Russia bought an ice pick, probably. Little Lenny wasn't too fast about it then, all he wanted was boo-boo, but he did change over the course of his life. And just last night, as we were called, was, of course, Guy Forksnites, commemorating one of Britain's greatest failed acts of terrorism, the 1605 gunpowder plot, and for people who complain about the quality of football punditry, recently discovered in the archives of the British Library, was a commentary on the on the Forks issue,
Starting point is 00:03:59 the guy Forks issue, by a contemporary pundit, a Lainus Shireer. And I'll make quite directly from it here. And he wrote, well, we pick up forks here. And as you can see, he's been caught red-handed before even lighting a match. He'll have to be disappointed with that. When you're a conspirator trying to blow up parliament, you've simply got to do better than that.
Starting point is 00:04:19 And then of course, if we roll the action on, we can see he's dragged from the tarot of London, all the way to Westminster, he's hung, and then of course he's chopped into four bits, he's quite literally gone to pieces there and what it's always tough to bounce back from something like that so all and all disappointing effort from the lad folks just not good enough at this level of conspiracy. And as always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week to commemorate possible anniversary of online fraud. And we give you a free virtual ID. Name Elizabeth Windsor.
Starting point is 00:04:52 Occupation, monarch, age, immortal, address, wherever the f*** I want. Hobbies, controlled waving, state dinners, break dancing and snooker. Mother's maiden name Al Farouki. Is that still covered by the official secret acts? My mistake. Bozleon is the official mother's maiden name. Top story this week. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a man on a motorbike driving across a tightrope while balancing a cow on his nose or something. It's a daredevil roundup. a tightrope while balancing a cow on his nose or something. It's a daredevil roundup.
Starting point is 00:05:25 And look, Andy, let's get this out of the way immediately. I love daredevil's. And I think most children love daredevil's too. Why? Because whether they're jumping over buses, belly flopping off a building into a two-foot swimming pool, or getting fired out of a cannon, dressed as a donkey, what daredevil's do is as impressive and brave as it is completely pointless. And that is the point, Andy.
Starting point is 00:05:47 I think I've mentioned before that it's easy to risk your life for something that's worthwhile. That motivates itself. It's hard to put your life on the line for literally nothing because logic kicks in, Andy. And logic is kryptonite to a dare devil. When you have every reason not to do something and absolutely no good reason to do it, it takes someone of immense misguided commitment to see that thing through.
Starting point is 00:06:12 And last week, we saw a few examples of daredevilism in action. Displays of bravery, they would make you think, wow, and then immediately think, why? So first, last Sunday, Nick Walender walked across the Chicago skyline on a tight rope for no demonstrable reason whatsoever in front of 60,000 people on the street and a worldwide TV audience. The wire was strung between two Chicago towers and Walender did the last leg blindfolded and the whole walk without a safety net, harness or seemingly any sense of the fragility
Starting point is 00:06:46 of human life. The big disappointment for me Andy was the ridiculous absence of a cape during the whole stuff. If you could have been a daredevil, great. But we're a cape Andy, I'm old school on this issue. I believe any daredevil should wear a flowing garment behind them attached around the neck. Otherwise known as a f***ing cape, Andy. Mask for a daredevil? Optional. Jumpsuit preferred, but optional. Cape Mandatory, Andy.
Starting point is 00:07:15 F***ing Mandatory. Well, this might explain why Cape used to be so much more popular back in history, because time was when simply going for a walk in the street was basically a daredevil activity. You could be killed by all manner of things, diseases, plagues, wars, dragons, folkenos, the sudden vengeance of an anger deity, indigestion, Romans with two big planks of wooden
Starting point is 00:07:38 some nails, and of course dinosaurs, depending on where, when and how stupidly you lived. But now, as you say, our lives are thankfully more sanitised and you have to seek out this level of danger, and few seek out danger as enthusiastically, dangerously, or as you pointed out, fucking pointlessly, as Nick Wallander, the latest in a long line of daredevil wanders, which goes back several generations and includes quite a lot of danger-related family fatalities that you might have thought would have made that logic that you mentioned kick in at some point and someone in the wall in the family of next generation might have thought, you know what, I'm going to live the safe life, I'm going to do something dull like become an executive
Starting point is 00:08:17 or technology company. But he didn't do that, John. As you said, he walked blindfolded between two fucking skyscrapers. That is the kind of stupid shit people used to do when they didn't have tellies to watch or play stations to jug their play trains in and out of whatever you do on PlayStation these days. And death was just something to do in the afternoon, no big deal, plenty more fish in the sea. But I mean, you do, as you say, have to admire the sheer and relentless pointlessness of this idiotic and magnificent activity. You're right though, he has a family heritage. He's a member of the famous Flying Wallenders circus family.
Starting point is 00:08:52 Although he's not so much a Flying Wallender, of course, as a walking Wallender. And if you ever did find himself airborne, he wouldn't be so much a Flying Wallender as a plummeting Wallender, another time at which it really would be who him to wear a fucking cape, Andy, because if you're not going to wear a cape, when on a high wire, 500 feet above the
Starting point is 00:09:10 Chicago streets, when the f*** are you going to wear a cape? That's not the point. The point is, it's still amazing what he did, because it's a human being walking across two buildings on a tiny wire in the windy city. And this is far from Wollenders' first televised walk. Last year, he walked across the Grand Canyon with 13 million viewers watching the Discovery
Starting point is 00:09:31 Channel's coverage. Although for the Chicago Walk, he didn't fall down. His rating certainly did, because this walk received a peak view of the viewership apparently of just 6.7 million. And the explanation for this was that when he walked across the Grand Canyon, there wasn't an NFL game on,
Starting point is 00:09:47 but this time, his walk going sided with the Raven Steelers game. And that has got to be a blow to Nick Walender, Andy. Because this is not the playoffs we're talking about. This is the regular NFL season between two teams who are not going to win the Super Bowl. And he could have found himself 500 feet in the air, balancing on a wire only three quarters
Starting point is 00:10:11 of an inch thick, hearing cheers from the ground, coming from inside a bar where people watching a game between two teams, neither of which belong to the city that they live in. You don't go up against the NFL, Andy. No one could beat you with the NFL in this country. Not if you're doing a high-wire over Chicago and not if you're Pogo sticking across the lake. You do not take on the NFL. But maybe we're being a bit,
Starting point is 00:10:34 a bit harsh claiming this had absolutely no practical purpose. I mean, it's quite a useful skill to be able to carry a massive long pole across a precipitous drop. I mean, if ever you found yourself in a situation where the multiple champion polevolta, Sir Guy Bubka, was on one side of a canyon, but had left his pole on your side of the canyon and there was a two-inch wire connecting you, then I guess Wallender would be pretty much your go-to guy for resolving that situation. Or if you have one dead devil on top of one building and he'd forgotten his long pole for walking
Starting point is 00:11:10 across the other building and you had already made the crossing, you could carry your pole back across that's another practical use. Or if you work at an illegal exotic restaurant and you have a sudden inspection and have to carry a large frozen boa constrictor from the top floor of your building onto the next building to avoid detection. So maybe he's a trial blazer, John. He's making these things possible for future generations. I think about what's my favourite response from the whole spectacle came from a bystander who's interviewed called Christoff. And he said, as he was seen walking away before it began, I'm not too much into
Starting point is 00:11:49 seeing a guy fall to his death. Before going on to say, I prefer to watch it on TV. And could, could there be a more perfectly contemporary response to that? Of course you could see him fall to his death life. But when it comes down to it, why not watch him plummet into the afterlife from the comfort of your own couch? You get all the angles and the replays of a man hurtling towards his doom. Sure, short you don't get the live atmosphere of being in a crowd of horrified strangers, but with TV, the way
Starting point is 00:12:18 that it is now, it's the next best thing. You can even pause him on the way down Andy. The man was right. And then you can flip over to the football afterwards if you get bored of all the post-definances. Exactly. Well, Ender apparently said afterwards himself, what an amazing, beautiful city. The skyline is so unreal to take in. I was ready to take a selfie. I was so bummed that I didn't. And if he had Andy, if he had taken a selfie halfway through that walk, that's a tough way to justify dying. If you're the grim reaper Andy and you're watching a guy do a high-wire walk between two buildings in Chicago, you might be thinking to yourself, wow, that's impressive.
Starting point is 00:13:01 I mean, it's dangerous, but it's impressive. I'm going to give him a pass on this one But then if you saw him stop on that wire to take yourself He you as the grim reaper might think you know what? That guy I'm sending a gust of wind over there and introducing him to the ground because it's one thing to cheat death It's another to take the fucking piss I'd prefer to have seen him paint herself
Starting point is 00:13:25 with you on the work cross. Yeah. You're mixing up your daredevil with your Rembrandt. That's what I wanted to see. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo for start that a little hard to pin down and because if you live in Australia you are something of a daredevil. That country has the highest number of poisonous steaks by just rocks and anything else they can kill you in the world. Although, although having been there, it's actually worth it. That's not the point. Australia has had it share of spectacular fools over the years, but this might take the biscuit. And Australian man decided to serve a dead whale while sharks were circling around it.
Starting point is 00:14:05 He jumped off a boat, climbed onto the whale and started surfing on it. There's only one even potentially stupid thing to do, Andy. And that is to attach small wheels to the front and back of the whale and skateboard that dead whale instead. But it was all worth it. If just for this single detail from one Australian news report, which said, and I quote, a 26 year old Australian man who risked his life by diving into shark infested waters to climb onto a rotting wild carcass has confessed that even his parents think he's an idiot.
Starting point is 00:14:37 Do you know what? I might be ready to call it Andy. I think that could be my favourite sentence ever added in English language. Shakespeare could not have imagined that. Let's just recap that again. A 26 year old Australian man who risked his life by diving into shark infested waters to climb onto a rotting whale carcass has confessed that even his parents think he's an idiot. There's so much going on in that sentence, Andy. There's a dead whale. There's shark-infested waters. There's an idiot.
Starting point is 00:15:06 There's surfing, and there's a shamed parents. That sentence is like a 34-word novel. LAUGHTER It's not the sequel to Hamlet, but more so. Um... George Mallory, the early 20th century British mountaineer, was famously asked, why do you want to climb Mount Everest? And he replied, because it's there.
Starting point is 00:15:27 And I guess this Australian guy, Harrison Williams, applied very similar logic when presented with a dead whale caucus. Why do you want to climb on a dead whale caucus and surf it whilst surrounded by a hungry looking shark? Because it's there. And because my mates are watching and I think it'll have been pretty funny.
Starting point is 00:15:45 Well, do you know what Andy? I'm glad he did it and you know, also I hate to hop on about this, but the only way it could have been better, a cape, Andy, because a man surfing a dead whale on his own is irresponsible, a man surfing a whale carcass on his own in a cape. That man is going somewhere in life. Now, he may be going inside a rotten whale or inside the stomach of a shark, but the point is he's going somewhere. Ha, ha, ha. Carl Wallander from the Wallander family, there's something he said.
Starting point is 00:16:17 Being on the tightrope is living. Everything else is waiting. And once again, I guess Harrison Williams might think surfing a dead whale carcass whilst surrounded by shark is waiting. And once again, I guess Harrison Williams might think surfing a dead whale carcass while surrounded by shark is living. Everything else is waiting to tell my buddies I just surfed on a dead whale carcass while surrounded by sharks.
Starting point is 00:16:34 He did miss an opportunity though, John, to clone on the whale and start giving it CPS. I think that would have been a lovely gesture. This, with half of its side already eaten off by sharks. Some gesture from humanity to the beleaguered whale community which has suffered so much. The slings, arrows and harpoons of outrageous fortune stroke the Japanese fishing fleet. That's the point because as you say, even while he was doing it Andy, there were several
Starting point is 00:17:00 tiger sharks and a great white shark circling the whale, but he said he did not feel in danger, saying the sharks were too busy chomping on the whale, so it wasn't too bad. But unfortunately, that was the dead whale that you were surfing on, you glorious fucking idiot. I guess maybe, you know, let's put it in context. John, he might have, might have be a very opposed to the Australian Prime Minister, Tony Abbott,
Starting point is 00:17:28 who was booed on his way into a funeral this week. He might have thought my government is swinging right and quite an unpleasant way, countries in the pockets of mining conglomerates, my cricket team, I've just been absolutely haulsed by Pakistan. Oh, what the fuck, I'm gonna surf a dead whale in shark infested waters.
Starting point is 00:17:46 It's the only logical step. Abbott this week, John, has stood by his defense of coal, saying it is, quote, the foundation of Australia's foreseeable future. This come came just days after a United Nations climate report called for urgent reduction in carbon emissions. So I guess jumping onto a rotting well-carcass while surrounded by sharks
Starting point is 00:18:07 is not quite the stupidest thing in Australia has done this week. It does raise the prospect, though, John, of an exciting new sport, the dead whale surfing while surrounded by sharks. I mean, the problem is making it fair. You've got to get a well-carcass at an equivalent level of decomposition
Starting point is 00:18:24 and make sure each carcass is surrounded by sharks Roughly equal points on their daily hunger cycle because you want a fair competition, John But whichever way you package it you can be pretty fucking sure an Australian is gonna win that competition hands down And in yet more exciting devil news just just over a week ago now, I think, Google executive Alan Eustace broke Felix Baumgartner's world record for highest ever parachute jump. He jumped from 135,000 feet, breaking Baumgartner's record from two years ago, as reported exclusively on the bugle by over 7,000 feet. Now, John, a few alarm bells rang for me with this story, particularly the words Google executive. Now those words should not be followed by, has broken the world altitude record for parachute
Starting point is 00:19:22 jump by leaping from 135,000 feet. Something is seriously wrong there. I mean, I don't think let's look at the two guys' names. Alan Eustis, what does that say to you, John? That says to me, Google executive. Felix Baumgartner. That says, man, who will jump from f***ing anywhere? And I know which one of those names I want holding the record for highest ever jump. John, this is not an achievement by Alan Eustis. This is a tragedy for the concept of human daredevil idiocy. Yes, I totally agree. He's not a daredevil, Andy. He's a douche.
Starting point is 00:19:53 He's a business douche. Being a daredevil, to jump from space for no reason should not be something that you're doing on the side of your day job. It should be because you have nothing left in your life. You have no other ideas of what to do with your day. So let's compare the careers of these two men and work out who really should be holding this record. As a child Felix Baumgartner dreamed about flying and skydiving in 1999, he claimed the world record for the highest parachute
Starting point is 00:20:25 jump from a building when he jumped from the Patronus towers in Kuala Lumpur. In the mid-1990s, Alan Eustus worked a binary code instrumentation system that forms the basis for a wide variety of program analysis and computer architecture analysis tools. Well, I think that's one Neil Bamgartner on those ones. On 20th of July 2003, Felix Bamgartner on those ones. On 25th July 2003, Felix Bamgartner became the first person to skydive across the English channel using a specially made carbon fiber wing. In 2002, Alan Eustus moved to work at Google, where he has since worked as Senior Vice President of Engineering. Two-Nil. On the 12th of December 2007 Felix Baumgartner became the first person to jump from the 91st floor observation deck of the then tallest completed
Starting point is 00:21:11 building in the world Taipei 101 in Taiwan. Alan Eustis currently serves as senior vice president of Google Knowledge Department. F*** you Alan Eustace! You! You did not need to do that! You have stolen this record from a man who has dedicated his entire life to doing f***ing stupid life-indulging shit! And you walk straight out of your tech sector office with your fancy chairs and your smiley faces and your wireless f***ing shoes and trousers and shit like that! And you've just plopped out of a f*** fucking balloon from 25 miles without even making much fuss about it. Hardly anyone knew it was happening.
Starting point is 00:21:48 Baum got an extreme bit live, at least giving the world the chance to chewed in and see if he might f**k it up. Screw you, useless. You slayer of the concept of crazy logistical pipe dreams. This would be like Captain Scott reaching the South Pole to find that it wasn't fellow polar explorer and conqueror of the colds
Starting point is 00:22:05 riled amons and a beating him to it, but that John D. Rockefeller was sitting there inside a golden thermal pod drinking a martini, haven't been carried there by a squadron, especially trained penguins. To me John, this is as dark a day for humanity, as if someone painted over the Sistine Chapel with a load of smiley face dimoticicons, it is that bad, John, I think the tech industry has a lot to answer for. But all hope is not lost because Eustace's records will hopefully be mercifully short-lived because the German self-styled father of free-flying,
Starting point is 00:22:36 the much more dare-devolutionally named Olaf Zipsa, a veteran of almost 22,000 skydives, a 35-year veteran of chucking himself towards the surface of planet Earth from an inadvisable height, is set to become the first man to jump out of a rocket, with the ultimate goal of free-flying from 100 kilometers above Earth. A record that will no doubt stand until 58-year-old tech sector finance director Nigel Gray falls from 200 miles directly back to his fucking desk in a corporate parking california. Due useless. F*** you. Satris for hire, tour update.
Starting point is 00:23:16 Thanks again to all the buglers who have come to Satris for hire. Without you, there would have been some rooms that were even more empty than some of the quite empty rooms. There have been the schedule coming up. Cultivator this Saturday, the 8th of November, Solford Lowry on Sunday. You might actually have to check for tickets for that one. It is selling in a slightly unzoltz manic way. Next week, Oxford on Friday, the 14th,
Starting point is 00:23:44 Leicester on Saturday, the 15th, then Bristol on the 20th, Fulxton, Shoreham, Alder shots, 27th, 28th, 29th, then in December, Wimbledon on the 3rd, Ellsbury, the 4th, Reading on the 6th, the Gala closing night of the tour. And I'm also recording a DVD at the chapter art center in Cardiff on the 8th of December,
Starting point is 00:24:01 all details above in the Cardiff one on Saturday for hire.com. And I've had some terrific requests. Yesterday, John in Maidstone, a guy asked me to satirize Slovenia because he had a Slovenian girlfriend who was visiting him, purely to see my show. And I did a bit of research on Slovenia and they had a general election in July, in mid-July.
Starting point is 00:24:24 And it was won by a party That had been set up on the second of June and they won They won They won the general election six weeks later Now that is that is speed democracy. I think America could do America stuck with the same old arguments It's been having for almost 200 years I think America could have Britain could certainly with the same old arguments it's been having for almost 200 years. I think America could have Britain could certainly do with that, depending on the type of party. So the new Prime Minister is Miro Serra, I hope I'll pronounce that right,
Starting point is 00:24:54 and his party is called Stranca Miro Serraja, or translated into English, the party of Miro Serra, a modestly named political party. And the Slovenian lady at the kick said that, so he won this election from nowhere in mid-July, and apparently he is already deeply unpopular. So they've basically accelerated the political food chain. They've condensed it to a three month period, what usually takes about 100 years,
Starting point is 00:25:22 fantastic, super effort from Slovenia. And the ruling party, which won the election in 2011, positive Slovenia, was chucked out of power with a grand total of zero seats. That is proper democracy in action. Also at the gig in Stafford, someone asked me to satirize a local tree because I don't know if it's been big news in the States, John, but the U-Tree on the Shugbra estate has been nominated for Tree of the Year. That's amazing that that competition exists. Tree of the Year. I mean, that shows the natural competitiveness of the human soul.
Starting point is 00:26:03 They were even making trees compete with each other. This tree is, this celebrity is claims to be the widest tree in Britain with 175 meters circumference. That is one fat-ass tree. Some people complain that most of the trees on the shortlist are very old. And I guess there's really no substitute for experience when you're a tree, but I mean I guess you worry that you're not really encouraging the young trees if none of them get on the short list. And also some of the big money botanical gardens have been buying in expensive overseas trees. So you think what is the point of the competition? I hope you'll raise the standards of the other trees. I mean also tree of the year, how much
Starting point is 00:26:40 of these trees going to change by next year? I mean, that's surely a decade at the very least. It's all that's needed. But I sincerely hope John that the Shugbury U doesn't win. I mean, it might be wide, but it's an absolute mess looking at it. I reckon if it does win, it'll show there's match fixing. And it'll be an absolute carnifer tree like that wins.
Starting point is 00:27:03 I can feel it coming. Can you feel it coming? Stop it. Ah, shit. I can't fight it, John. Strap in. There's a lot of lovely puns on trees. Okay. Now, I don't approve this competition, but the homepage has had loads of hits this week. I don't know why it's so popular. Makes me sick. A more pointless competition, I cannot imagine. Anyway, how can you judge between one tree and the others? I like older trees. But I've heard that fans of the Shugbury have been trying to make one of the other nominated trees look worse by getting beavers to nibble away at it.
Starting point is 00:27:34 But that would obviously be cheating. You have to trust the integrity of a contest, and if they don't sort it out, these monsters may pull their support for the competition. But I've got a friend of mine, John, who hates trees. He had a terrible accident when he fell out of a tree as a child. As a result, he has no arms. It's quite awkward because he's a journalist.
Starting point is 00:27:52 He has to write with his buttocks using his ass pen. He also had his testicles grafted onto his pecs as a result of the accident leaving him with some sweet chestnuts. But embarrassing when he takes his top off on a hot summer's day, though, you should see the looks he gets. See, don't, anyway, a strange guy, he used to absolutely love playing strategic board games whilst riding an animal. He was an absolute horse chestnut. And, I think we're done. I do think, oh no, there was, oh yeah. No, so we hopped in a cart and drove to Cue Gardens to protest about the tree competition, but just as we were passing
Starting point is 00:28:22 an Australian tree, this idiot on a motorbike tried to overtake us. There wasn't enough space, and he knocked our wing mirror off. Oh, I shouted, you clipped us. Fuck, sake, that's gonna be expensive to fix. You will owe us at least 50 pounds, I'll make sure of that. You pay up or I'll headbutt you.
Starting point is 00:28:38 I will not you in the face. Right, I need a cult drink to calm down. Teak, offy, anything. Right, that's a cult drink to calm down. Teak, offy, anything. Right! That's officially the end. That was a long walk to a eucliptus joke. That was the initial title of Mandela's book, I think, wasn't it? Anyway, so it's just when I start doing these puns, the feeling's too strong.
Starting point is 00:29:03 I can't side press it. Anyway. I had this friend, John, who had this nasty, genital condition where if he saw any large American trees, his wangle would swell up. The skin on it would get really raw and he'd have an uncontrollable involuntary erection. Poor lad, and his giant redwood. All right. Is anyone still there? There's anyone still there? You have to live with Andy. Right. A blue way to finish.
Starting point is 00:29:33 I mean, yeah. You wouldn't catch John doing that kind of stuff would you? Not Mr Olive. Don't, don't bring me into this. Your surname started it, John. That's it for this week's Bugle. Thank you very much for listening. I'll see you all at my fourth coming gigs. And we will hopefully be back next week with Bugle 278. Until then, Bugleers, do keep your emails coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com
Starting point is 00:30:07 and check out the SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen Bugle. And, imminently, there will be new lines of Bugle merch being launched, including what may be the piece of merch to end all pieces of merch. Which, if it sells more than two, I'll consider something of a disgrace. Until then, Bueglers, goodbye. Thank you.

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