The Bugle - Bugle 289 – Turbo Russia

Episode Date: March 6, 2015

Russia becomes a parody of itself, says John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, Bueglers and welcome to a shoe 2809 of the Buegl with me and his ultimate in London

during what has turned into a strangely brief jaunt back to the Northern Hemisphere. But still, what a hemisphere! I cannot get enough of this half of the world. I'm back south on Monday, like a confused swallow with an excess of migration. And resolutely in the Western Hemisphere, it's the Christopher Columbus of comedy, taking his European ways to the Americas and indirectly wiping out the locals. It's John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello viewers. And the the on Saturday I participated in what is a spectacular annual charity event here called Night of Too Many Stars. It's basically a bunch of comedians performing either comedy or ludicrous acts for an autism charity. Various things or experiences are auctioned off over the night and it's going to be show no comedy central

this Sunday and it's actually worth watching, not only because it's a great cause, but also because I'm not sure you'll ever see that much money raised in a stupid away. Paul Rad, for instance, auctioned off showing his penis to someone and also let someone chew up a piece of chicken and feed it to him like a baby bird and my auction was that the winning bidder could go immediately outside the theatre with me and commit a crime and actual crime. And from that point the bidding went bananas. The winner paid $28,000 to be filmed leaving the theatre with me and go rob a wine store. We basically gave them a big coat with

steal-a-pockets inside. I took them to a nearby wine shop which had a great that the charity could send cameras in there and that was all they knew. I took them to a nearby wine shop which had agreed that the charity could send cameras in there and that was all they knew. I pushed the person in told them to fill the pockets with bottles of wine and sneak out and I will say that the Winnington did it with a bracingness and confidence that maybe think this was not the first wine store she'd robbed just the first time she'd done it for charity. No. That was the first time she'd done it for charity. No. So she's looking at, well, 15 to 20 stretch for that.

Other things, though. She definitely so caught a lot of wine. I don't think it was $28,000 worth of wine. So I think she was still down on the deal. I also had a bit of a charity incident last Friday. We had the fundraising gig for Michelle DeCosta, so many of you have given money for her treatment in America. And we did the gig at the Battery Heart Centre,

and I ended up the show on stage, dressed as a giant penis and testicle. Is there context for that? Well, there's a context. So Russell Howard was closing it, and he had been doing a tour show with this giant penis and testicles and decided to auction it off at the end to try and raise some extra money. Anyway, I then put it on to demonstrate it to the crowd and found myself acting the parts of the giant cock and I was born to do it John, born to do it.

And it also ended up with Russell Howard buying the giant penis back off himself for £408. So all in all, yeah I mean I was not expecting to end that gig, dressed as an enormous six and a half foot high penis. But, you know, a life throws as many curveballs, John. It's how every gig ends to stand off in terms of how you feel inside, just not how you appear outside. Yes, I mean, that's certainly true. It's really a question of the flusidity or or otherwise over the cock I suppose. So thanks to all bugleers who came along and and yeah we raised about seven seven thousand pounds. So not not as many as you raised for committing a felony jump but you know fully expect you to be a actual crime to be sent home in disgrace. This is

bugle 289 coincidentally the combined age of the original members of the pop tree open honor armor at some unspacified moment in the future. This is the week ending Friday the 6th of March on this day, John in 1899, the pharmaceutical giant Baya, registered aspirin as a trademark. Initially aspirin, of course, was developed as a drug to counteract numbness of the posterior due to the hard wooden chairs prevalent in the 19th century aspirin or butpherin, as it was sold in America. It almost bankrupted Baya when the cushion was legalised 10 minutes after the death of Queen Victoria in 1901, who'd of course banned cushions throughout the British Empire and the rest of the world, because

she, A, thought they led to bad posture, B, still missed Albert and C, had gigantic royal mega-glutes that rather rendered the soft furnishing accessory redundant. Bayer marketed Asprin as a cure for sentimentality, arguably it sold a little bit too well in Germany, but then found success due to its side effect of curing hangovers, denting global sales of bacon and eggs and becoming the first ever kosher hangover queue. That's on this day in 1899. And 1876, the seventh of March, John, was the day that Alexander Graham Bell was granted a patent for an invention he called the telephone. The original Alley G Big Man in Google History of course,

without Belle John, this show would basically just be you and me sending handwritten messages to each other across the Atlantic by boat. I'm not saying it wouldn't still be a reasonable show, but probably wouldn't have got to the stage if needing to make a Christmas jumper to satisfy the global demand. And 30 years also, since we are the world, was launched the Charity Single

in 1985, highlighting the plight of Africa and the need for the world to look after each other. It reached number one in almost every single country in the pop and rock world, regardless of language, politics, religion or anything, apart from Austria and Germany. I'm sure there's nothing in that. I'm sure there's absolutely nothing in it, but that it is a fact. And on this very day in 1955, the American TV channel MDMA broadcast the first

and to date only episode of the controversial children's program, you pointless little bastards, hosted by the notoriously aggressive Uncle Percy Slamhammer, the program which featured Uncle P and his sidekick, Christie the critical crow, old Nana negative and rubbishing Brian the realist robot. Consisted of 28 minutes of the team brow-beating its target 4-7 year old demographic, for having their life paths mostly already mapped out by social background and heading towards nothingness, for being statistically unlikely to contribute much to society and for blocking

their parents' path to happiness very much a show of its time. Concluded with a song, you're a sweet little worthless part of shit in which the special studio guest Perry Como melodiously predicted lives of low achievements and unhappiness for the show's now thoroughly chasing viewers. Como loved the song which reached number three on the Billboard charts, although it's now better known for its B side, you'll never amount to anything, which of course was based on a 19th century parenting lullaby. Those are all facts. And as always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week the latest bugle pot work series construct your own audio garden. Do you not have a garden? Don't

worry bugle, it doesn't mean you're unusual. In fact, not having a garden has become increasingly normal since the Industrial Revolution. But everyone likes to have a garden, so we at the Bugle are enabling you to construct your own sonic backyard. A sound garden, if you will, weak by weak with different sound effects. To build up your dream garden, so you can enjoy the sounds and sounds of a real garden whilst lying on your kitchen floor, pretending you're having a snooze on the concrete patio, and just soaking it all in. And as it's week one, special double issue with a free third extra sound effect to get your collection started. Sound effect one. One of your next door neighbours, Moe's the lawn. Special double issue, effect to two foxes f***ing and f***ing like they hate each other.

And your bonus third sound effect, your other next door neighbour holds a ray. There you go. Enjoy your relaxing afternoon curseive the bugle. Next week, weird Brian from over the back of the fence conducts a pagan ritual at 3am. That section in the bin. Top story this week. Russia goes old school. And tragically, Andy, last Friday, Russian opposition leader and former deputy prime minister Boris Nemstov was shot in the street in Moscow while walking home with his girlfriend across a bridge within sight of the Kremlin. It was an act which shocked the world, but should it have, Andy, because clearly it's

horrible. That is obvious, but is it really shocking? Or is it just an act that you could at best describe as turbo Russian? Because while there is no doubt that those men who killed Nemstov a guilty of murder. They're also pretty much guilty of plagiarism. They really should be playing royalties to countless Russian assassins from both real life and from the great pages of Russian literature right now. In fact, this was an act that was so unusual that Newsweek actually ran an article this week under the headline,

Boris Nemstov's murder is a killing Stalin would appreciate. Look, that is both in extremely bad taste and extremely true, because as we both know Andy, Stalin was no stranger to dealing with his political opponents with both a sharp tongue and an even sharper eyes pick. There's been some debate over whether Putin was in any way involved in this. I mean, it's hard to tell, John, but the fact is his face does give off. Pretty much 24, 7, 3, 6, 5, an unmistakable kill my opponent's vibe. That's a must have might have picked up on. But then you have to ask why would Putin,

a world leader, even be rumored to want NEMS off dead? I mean, we compare it with our leaders, John. I mean, here in Britain, we have David Cameron. And I'm pretty sure that for all his many faults, he's not directly bumped off any opposition leaders. I mean, you might not like him, but morally, I think he's pretty stoutly against targeted killings.

And practically he needs those opposition leaders in place to come to the election on May the 7th. He's not an idiot. So I'm 97% certain camera would never explicitly order a political slang. Barra Khabama similarly, well he knows what happens to Nixon, John, with Watergate, and that didn't involve killing opponents. So Obama knows that his post-Predidency career could take a real hit if he starts having his opponents gunned down in public in the middle of major cities. That's something America has managed eventually to win itself off. Putin, of course, though, a different thing entirely. Don't judge a book by its cover, but do judge a book by its contents.

Our reckoners, fingerprints are all over it, John. All over it. No, no one could justify, will it be, 100% surprised why this? Because even Nemstoff himself gave an interview just on February... As recently as February the 10th, in which he said, I'm afraid Putin will kill me. I believe he was the one who unleashed the war in Ukraine. The only way that could be more ominous, Andy, is if he'd ended that sentence with, oh, sorry, spoiler alert, everyone, spoiler alert. And even you saw more ominous, Andy, is if we'd ended that sentence with, oh, sorry, spoiler alert, everyone, spoiler alert.

And even you saw this one coming, Andy, you predicted this yourself. Oh, yes, yes, slightly spookly. What were we doing in episodes on the Winter Olympics early last year? We have this bit in it. There was an 18-mile stretch of road between Sochi and the mountain sports base at Hasnaya, Poyana. Apparently this is cost not to not five

Not ten not twenty but eight point six billion dollars. That is over half the cost of the entire London Olympics Just for a stretch of road. I'm going to Paris got a lovely service station with at least two of those automatic coffee machines But you have to ask is that a value for money? And there's an opposition leader called Boris Nemtsov, who if it'd been around 65 years ago, would not have been around any more 65 years ago, and he claimed that you could have paved the road with gold or caviar and it would have cost the same. Now, it being Russia is hard to tell if it's a criticism or a complain to the missed opportunity. You like a murderous nostradamus, I think?

I had that as a review once. Oh, more than once. Putin said that Russia should be spared the kind of shame and tragedy we have recently endured and seen. And to that end, he has pledged that he will not have Nemtsov murdered ever again, no matter what. He's a man of his word, John. Like you say, he called it a shameful tragedy. Something I'm guessing he was able to do with a straight face by thinking of something that he thought was an actual shameful tragedy as he was saying it.

Otherwise, it's basically impossible. There is no evidence of Putin's involvement yet, other than his obvious capability and obvious motive. Otherwise, that is the only evidence there is. And in fact, the head of Russia's FSB security service was asked on Wednesday whether there were currently any suspects in the case, and he said, they're always are. And that is the kind of displaced passive aggression in the wake of a murder, which is normally followed by a chilling chuckle of some kind. But one thing is for sure, it is going to be very hard to ever find out who is responsible for this.

Partly because Putin himself has announced that he will be personally overseeing the investigation. And partly because the evidence is suspiciously slight. Nemstov was killed in an area with constant surveillance. And yet, apparently all the CCTV cameras surrounding the crime scene were said to have been under repair at the time of the murder. That is, at best, convenient, Andy. And when journalists started kicking up a bit of a fuss

about that claim and pointing out that there were many photos online of cameras all over the walls of the crumbling that day, the government then pointed out the cameras were all pointing in the wrong direction at the time. And it gets one degree worse because there's actually one grainy camera that was working and does have footage available online. But this is true, at the precise moment, the NEMS tov was shot, a gigantic snow plow drives up and plokes the camera's view. You should know there was no snow on the streets of Moscow that night, and not because that was a particularly amazing snow plow. LAUGHTER Well, I mean, come on, John, we've all seen snowpows unexpectedly

pull up at the side of the road just for, I mean, come on, John, we've all seen snowpiles unexpectedly pull up at the side of the road just for, you know, we're driving needed at cup of tea and take a phone call. It was probably just being safety conscious, John. He knows that he can't talk on his phone whilst plowing non-existent snow within meters of red square in the Kremlin. We all know that. You don't get, well, it's... You don't get to be the best snow plower in Moscow without pulling over to the side of the road when you want to snack or text. So I guess the question is, why would theoretically,

Vladimir Putin wants NEMTS off, not to be entirely 100% alive anymore theoretically, of course. Well, a bit of background on NEMTS off, he had a successful political career in the 1990s under Boris Yeltsin, and has been an outspoken critic of Putin for the last 15 years, is conflicts as we touched on last year, sent over massive embezzlement and profiteering ahead of the social impacts. He's also clashed with Putin over Russia's conduct in the Ukraine, and at the time of his assassination, he was in Moscow helping organize a rally against Russian involvement in the war in Ukraine and the current financial crisis. The city country is undergoing.

This is not looking too good, John. Also he was working on a report demonstrating involvement of Russian military with the rebels in the Eastern Ukraine. Now I'm not saying that Putin definitely had anEMTS off assassinated, but I am saying if you were a contestant on the popular TV game show Family Fortunes or Family Fugues, I believe it's known on your side of the Atlantic, which you have to guess the most popular answers to survey questions, and your question was we asked a hundred Vladimir Putin's to name someone they would not mind being assassinated. Well, NEMS

off is going to be one of your very first answers, John. One of your very first. That's depending on when the Putin's answer to questions and whether the list has been updated to discount people who might have once been on the list, but have now been already assassinated. To add further suspicion, police seized NEMS off's hard drives after he was killed. Now I mean that does look again slightly suspicious. Although apparently he was absolutely awesome at minecraft and they wanted to get their hands on his profile and also probably to check whether or not he was watching sport via illegal streaming sites. It simply has to be stopped. The other possibilities, as you said, the Federal Security Service Chief Bortnikov said there

are always suspects, according to Vladimir Markin, spokesman for the Investigative Committee, and I for one John do not feel comfortable hearing the words, investigative committee in such close proximity to a name as Russian as Vladimir Markin. The murder could have been a deliberate provocation to destabilize the political situation in Russia. There have been other suggestions he could have been killed by his political allies to create a martyr, which seems frankly insane. It could be Islamic extremism, neo-Nazi radicals, western spy agencies, no guessing, no prize for guessing who suggested that might be a possibility.

A business dispute, a love life, Lee Harvey Oswald, someone suggested he was possibly responsible, an argument about an offside in a football match, and mistaken identity in which someone thought he was a son who'd been a lot of them. Another possibility, John, here's some descriptions of Nemsoft. Tall, handsome, witty and irreverent, deeply intelligent and kind. He also had a spicy private life involving a string of glamorous women. And he was a high ranking physicist who produced more than 60 academic publications on quantum physics, thermodynamics and acoustics.

So this man is an impressive being, John. It could just be basic jealousy. It could be Putin thinking, well, yes, I've ridden a horse without my top on, but I've not published 60 academic publications on quantum physics, and nor are by regarded as tall, handsome, witty, and irreverent. In fact, I'm over four on those. So who knows John? It could just be basic green eyed jealousy. The whole situation is related to what is happening in Ukraine. Alexander Vershbout, NATO's deputy secretary general, said there was mounting evidence that

the Russian in-cursion into Ukraine is becoming much less popular amongst the Russian public. But of course Putin and the Russian government deny that they have been officially involved in this. So it's a very interesting, fascinating philosophical question, John, can something become more unpopular despite the fact that it officially isn't actually happening? I mean, I guess people are very much opposed. More and more so, in fact, similarly here, to the sale of unlicensed e-walk meat. And there were also demonstrations in London today against the banning of competitive sonnets screaming. So who knows? And the US assistant

secretary of state Victoria Nuland said that told a congressional foreign affairs committee that Russia had deployed quotes thousands and thousands of troops without giving a precise number. And I guess it's always reassuring when senior US government officials are strangely vague about military matters. History shows to be that to be a sound push-off in an enjoyable bobsled run to happiness. And the Russian foreign ministry spokesman Alexander Lukashevich responded by rejecting these figures saying they were plucked out of the air. Well, I'm a cricket fan, John. If you pluck something out of the air, you've done something right. You've done something exactly back on the

banana. Lukashevich also pointed to other reports suggesting there were 12,000 Russian servicemen allegedly in Ukraine, and he responded, but why 12,000? Why are they thinking small? Why didn't they say 20,000? Why didn't they say 25,000? Reading between the lines what he obviously means is we have recently increased our troop commitments in Ukraine from 20 to 25,000. And of course, with any conflict like this, you're going to propaganda war.

And there's been some truly extraordinary action in this week, John. The State Run TV channel Rossier I stated that a sample of a new Ukrainian bank note had been produced and it showed this alleged sample and on it was the image of none other than Adolf Hitler. According to the the channel, the Ukrainian party's Fiboda has developed a layer of the 1000-crevenia bank note. That quotes reflects the new Ukrainian elites' values. And I mean, it's clearly absolute nonsense, John. I'm all in favor of bullshit, but that is some seriously low-grade

bullshit. Because bullshit, to work, has to have a shred of believability in amongst the bullshin. Even if you are a committed neo-nazi, slapping Hitler on your bank notes is really taking a very big public relations risk. His brand is tainted, very, very tainted. And at the other end of the bullshit seasore, the entourage actress Sasha Gray has denied reports that she A. has been murdered, B. has been murdered by Ukrainian soldiers, and C. was murdered by Ukrainian soldiers whilst working as a nurse for the Russian army. Apparently so. Gray, who's impressively diverse portfolio of screen appearances, ranges from on to Raj and Stephen Soderbergh's The Girlfriend Experience to f*** slaves and anal cavity search

6, is 0 for 3 on being murdered, being murdered in the Ukraine conflict and working for the Russian military as a nurse, preferring to concentrate on her burgeoning acting career and writing erotic novels. Few people who have taken a similar career path have moved from pornography to serious acting and book deals and then chosen to volunteer to work as a nurse for Putin's Russia in a massively destabilising regional conflict. It just doesn't seem to be what people like Sasha Grey choose to do for ever reason, whether that be a lack of medical qualifications, a desire to remain neutral in wars between former components of the USSR or an incorrigible love of the show is limelight. But it's great to see propaganda

alive well and fucking insane. Your emails now we have an email here from Caroline who says, dear and Chris Andy and John, I'm a Canadian though though I'm from a way, which means not from Newfoundland. So I think I'm allowed to send you more hilarious Newfoundland and Labrador place names without incurring the wrath of the Newfoundland separatists. For some reason, only the most whimsical emigrants from Britain and Ireland settled in Newfoundland. Because how else do you explain what such a sparsely populated province has so many ridiculous names? Apparently Captain James Cook and his cartography assistant Michael Lane are somewhat to blame as

years in the Navy hadn't suppressed their childish delight in coming up with stupid names for their discoveries. I don't care what you always call this village. Cook might have said to the aboriginals, it's now called Blow Me Down because I want to have a giggle every time other people have to say it. This is a very difficult list to keep short, so I'll start to only the Phil Thies and Stupidest, and all of them are current names in Newfoundland. OK, so here we go. Ass Rock and Ass Hill.

Bear Need, Billy Buttspond. I think these are conception b by... Come by chance. Cox's Cove, Goobies, that is objectively ridiculous. Well, that was your nickname of school, isn't it? Nippers Harbor, Old Man's Head, Pot Head, Seldom Little Seldom. LAUGHTER

Spread Eagle Bay, the famous tickle cove, Whittler's Bay and the funniest town in Canada, Dildo, Newfoundland. Apparently they've tried to change that one for years, but the publicity is too good to pass up. May they never come to their senses. Say weird, Newfoundland, Caroline from Ottawa. I mean, that is some very impressive weird name game

they've got going on. That's, I mean, I guess when you're a nation like Canada, then you must take these thrills where you can. And we had, I think something similar, many, many bugles ago with Australia, which had a, I think, I mean, if you went ahead to head Canada versus Australia for a stupidest place names and be most uninhabitable land, you've basically got the same country just one hot and one cold.

This email came in from Peter in Iowa, dear chaps, I seem to find myself with a bit of a problem. Having discovered last week the blissful comedic high that is the bugle, and in a completely innocent attempt to catch up on its back issues and their entirety. After only 34 episodes of fear, I have become addicted, recognizing that I still have well over 200 hits left in the archive before I'd be forcibly dried out by your trickle of weakly satire.

That should be our tagline, shouldn't it? The bugle. Trickling of weakly satire since 2007. I was hoping to get in front of the problem, says Peter. Is there a methadone equivalent for the bugle withdrawal? Well it's not a methadone, it's just methadone. It still methadone. a crook, it's just methadone. It's still methadone. It really works for everything. Okay.

Oh, you could try winning yourself onto real news. I guess that's, I mean, that comes a terrible side effects. I think you're, yeah, I think you're safer with methadone. Okay. What a world we live in. Methadone is safer than reality. Well, it's hard to know what we can do with a show off of that, John. Do keep your emails coming in to infoatthebugelpodcast.com.

Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash. The hyphen bugle you can still donate to our appeal at gofundme.com slash this hyphen is hyphen Michelle and I hope to have an update on what's happening with that in the next week or two And also I've got some extra gigs to plug I'm really not used to this having putting on extra gigs out on the most diametrically opposite point of the globe is basically possible to do comedy on from where I live. But I now have Shosen Wellington on Saturday.

There's a 6pm and an 8pm show and there's an extra show in Sydney on the 25th and there's Melbourne on the 27th as well. So do come along to all of those, the details I will tweet out and then they should be on the satiristforhigh.com website. No further questions. So that is it for this week's Spugal, thanks very much for listening and we will be back in the not too distant future with Spugal 290 until then goodbye. Bye!