The Bugle - Bugle 294 – The Chainsaw of Futuristic Justice

Episode Date: March 11, 2016

We're back and we left it to buglers to pick the topics – Trump, Brexit, Bacon and Leicester City are top of your list. #Bugle2016 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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So it's nice to say those words again into a microphone rather than into a mirror. And welcome to season three of The Butel. Audio newspaper for a still unapologetically visual world. It is the month of March in the year Rio 2016 and I am Andy Zoltzmann in London, which is currently still a city in Europe, but by the end of June could be a Caribbean island if we vote to leave our continent in a very neutral lurch. And joining me from New York City, USA and nation presumably braiding itself, not only for what it's about to do to itself in its own election, but also for Britain colliding into its eastern seaboard

at high velocity, if the Brexit campaign triumphs. It's the FIFA-flang Trump troubleer himself, John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello, Bugers. Yes, there's an election happening here, Andy, in every sense of the word. The circus is in full swing, and this is a strange place to live at the moment. Yes, and I mean, I imagine New York is not the most ardently Trump-favoring city in America. Well, it's not, you know, there's still more Trump sympathy

than, you know, you would think ideal on a human, practical or logical level. Right. I mean, still occasionally you see a car with Trump on the back bumper. And there's, it begs so many questions. Is that a joke? Is it serious? And could a truck just nudge the back of that car?

Right, and, you know, I always say any likelihood that the people of Manhattan will, you know, just put a cheeky little email into the Dutch asking if they can buy the ****ing island back? I don't know. I don't know, Andy. Look, it's, I don't know anything regarding this race. This was not supposed to end up this way. And it's dangerous to make any predictions seeing as, you know, Donald Trump is the frontrunner for the Republican nominee, Andy. Pop is down, wet is dry, birds are swimming, and Fisher committing suicide. All right, Aristotle, turn it up. So, well, we are back, Puglas. It's been a long time, longer than was hoped for and initially scheduled, but we're back and we'll see how it goes.

This is issue 294 or season 3 episode 1, whichever way you want to look at it. And yeah, March 2016, we are hoping to do monthly bugles from now. And this is the anniversary of March 1926, an arguably the doggiest Nobel Prize in history and the Nobel Committee gave the 1926 physics prize to the German scientist Manfred Squelchenberg for a piece of research of what you have to say is questionable value, in which he claimed that a rapidly descending arm applied at the correct angle, velocity, and force to a hand placed under the top of that arm could create a noise resemblance of a flatulent goose, hence the underarm squelching bug or more familiarly squelchy. That's 90 years

ago. That happened. And as always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week to commemorate the discovery of gravitational waves, probably the most important thing that happened whilst we were off the airwaves. We give you a commemorative gravitational waves section. John, if you noticed the difference since gravitational waves were discovered. What do you know if I've noticed the difference? I've been more aware of them. Right.

Andy, yeah. I've been more aware of them, you know, just gravitationally, just like it's waving would be the words, just through the world and through myself. Right, because the width of 1,000th of a proton. Yeah, that feels about right. Tiny ripples in space and time caused by the movement of celestial bodies. And John, you and I, speaking as people with celestial bodies, you know, we have a great deal of responsibility to be very careful with these. Tiny ripples is the perfect way of describing it, Andy. It's just a tiny, tiny, non-dissournable

ripple, but you're occasionally aware of. Right, that's basically it. It's very gravitational. I was going to say that's a pretty accurate summary of my career to be honest. I think you have the kind of times that changes everything. I've been in bed for the last couple of months because I'm worried about my gravitational waves flying out into space and smashing into a Russian satellite causing a diplomat against an impossible world war three. And you have to ask, do we need gravitational waves?

I mean, if no one knows about them, will they still work? And in our section in the bin, we look at the whole of quantum mechanics and ask, how suspicious should we be of this kind of shit? Because when you look at the history of quantum mechanics, it has been unequivocally bad for the world, invented by Max Plank, the celebrity German theoretical physicist, who lay down cheeky bit of physics in 1900s and thus begun quantum physics, then Bertie Einstein stuck his science urine, and then everyone jumps on the quantum horse in particular, Niels Bohr, the pin-up boy of Danish quantum theory, which is basically like normal quantum theory, but with icing on top.

And that was all in the first decade or so of the 20th century. And what followed after that's the biggest war ever, a massive global economic crash and depression, the rise of totalitarianism in Europe, another biggest war ever, then coldest war ever, global famines disasters, the rise of hardline Islamist terrorism and some of the silliest wars ever, reality television and Donald Trump.

So thank you, Max Plank, you fucking early 20th century idiot, leaf physics alone, It's been causing trouble enough. Ever since the U.S. went bang. Andy, we used to call quantum physicians something else and that was witches. We had a process for dealing with them. A rigorous tradition. We didn't used to give them awards, did we Andy? No. We didn't used to give the Nobel Prizes. We used to give them a place on a piece of wood with warm feet. Now, am I saying that we should do it again?

I'm just saying we used to have a process and then it seemed to work. And a special feature on the little cheeky piece of quantum mechanics that is Schrodinger's cat. Now, Schrodinger famously came up with the idea that you can have a cat that was simultaneously And he's a live. Is he? Is he a new special box? Yup, he is in the special box. Let me look in the box. I'm going to show you a little bit of the

little box. I'm going to show you a little bit of the little box. I'm going to show you a little bit of the little box. I'm going to show you a little bit of the little box. I'm going to show you a little bit of the little box. Err, er, er, he's alive. Is he? Err, yep. Is he in your special box?

Err, yep he is in the special box. Let me look in the box. Don't look in the box. I'm looking in the box. He's dead. Well, he was alive until you opened the box. Owen, you've just proved your own theory. You're simultaneously a dexplash and a wanker.

I think you misunderstood my science. Do some real science in Norben. You did as in the dog. Oh, about the dog. And also a free gravitational wave for every bugle listener. Here it comes. There, we're right in your lug hole, if you're listening in headphones, and depending on the angle

it passed through your noggin, could quite easily have fired out the other side and infected the person sitting next to you with bullshit. If you're listening on speakers and afraid, that gravitational wave, we're just smack you right in the face. I mean, in the next thing you say, we'll you're listening on speakers and I'm afraid that gravitational wave will just smack you right in the face a minute and next thing you say, will be a lie.

Great to be back. BELL RINGS BELL RINGS So since we've been away for such a prolonged period, we thought the best way to come back was to use the holy sainted medium of Twitter, which is now of course officially the source of at least 90% of all news bulletins, for your queries about what has happened

in the world, or elsewhere, whilst we have been off the virtual airwaves. I don't know if the internet works through airwaves, I'm a little bit out of the technological loop. So basically, this episode should function as a kind of interactive history of the world chapter four, which covers the fourth epoch in the history of the universe. Epoch one, of course, was birthday big bang up to the dinosaurs issue two human history up to October 2007. which covers the issues one to 293 of the bugle. And E-Poc 4, the bugle hiatus from the middle of last year, up to now. I think most scientists accept this breakdown,

and if they don't, they can f*** off back to their labs and keep sticking electrodes on rats' testicles and they come up with a better explanation of how we got here. So let's start with this email, John, coming from Joe in Newport's road island. Newport road island. That is a retirement home for mobsters, Andy. A little bit of geographical information for you there. That's, oh, this is basically where mobsters go for their final years, if they've not been shot in the street. So this is from a retired mobster, Joe. Who writes, like an eclipse, the world

went dark without you. As in actually dark, Syria is the new cold and hot war simultaneously. Migrants who have nothing to their name are being stereotyped as terrorists. The Tories seem to be harking back to some kind of feudal night's fee peasant system. That was always just a matter of time. And American politics has taken a turn for the downright ridiculous, although everyone's favorite angry grandpa Bernie Sanders is making a great attempt to wrestle a conversation back to things that matter. That frankly is too big a risk for democracy. Good luck in summarising the last year in around 39 minutes.

Well, I mean, for a start, that does suggest that Joe is expecting us only to get one email in and that to cover the entire show. But, John, I mean, how would you express what has happened to the world in the last nine months or so in a limit of, say, 10 seconds? Well, it's a good question, Andy. I think I would probably do with two syllables, and I would be these. Oh, f***! That would basically be it. I think that's basically going to encompass everything that you need to encompass. And I think historically that's pretty accurate. Right.

I mean, everything else is basically just an explanatory footnote to that. I mean, yeah, exactly. Everything else is just a super bowl. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha Now, let's move on to what's been the big story over here. And that is Europe and Britain's place within it. Will we leave the continents? We have a rather reluctantly called home for a while.

And this come in from Dean in Leeds, who writes, hello, Andy John and Tom. Brackets, it's been a while. Is it still Tom? Sorry about that, Chris. Well, that must... Actually you've got quite a lot of emails about how you've been coping without the bugle. This has been my first opportunity to say a word

since you let me out of the box. I'm still just trying to get used to that bright light above me. Right. Yeah, all right. You're nerfing on your first touch here, Chris, make this past count. Just can I get back in the box now? Anyway, Dean in Leeds asks,

what is the etymology of the word Brexit? My phone wants to auto-correct it to breast, but that doesn't seem right. Well, your phone is taking a very political decision, then. Isn't it, there? It's like the queen. Phone should f***ing stay out of it. I don't know what the etymology of Brexit is Andy. That sounds like you know a tabloid bastardisation of the English language. Would that be correct? Well no I've done a

bit of research into this John as you might explain. Wait, Andy, when you say research, are we talking about typing the word Brexit into Google, hitting enter and then clicking on the first result? I didn't quite get that far to be. But for a start, Dean, I don't know if that your phone correcting it to breast means it's pro or anti. I mean, it could be calling for Britain to return to the motherly nurturing bosom of independence to suckle on the life giving n, nipule and self-determination. Or it could be suggesting that if we think we can realistically hack it in the 21st century,

globalised, global globe on our own, then we are a tit. But anyway, etymologically, John, the X is the giveaway because, of course, Brexit is a word from the Basque region meaning it was called a lot of X's in that language. And the Brett means that's the Basque word for bull, but eh, it's Spanish I believe it's the word. And the shit, as it's pronounced means shit. So, I hope we've explained that sir. That makes that makes perfect sense now It's like you like you explain it to a child on a spelling bee It's very yet be careful where you have a spelling bee on your child Though they do die fasting Permanently infects your child with a third accurate word use

permanently infects your child with a threat accurate word use. This came from Morris Hauptmann, who asks, do you have any concise comments regarding the impending EU referendum, which is going to be on June 23rd, ran about mid-summer time, which is the wedding anniversary, interestingly, of another great European partnership, but Charles II and Catherine of Braganza, they were married on June the 23rd in 1661, I think, and I mean, I very much like Britain's relationship

with Europe now, basically involved Charles II spending most of his time banging other women. And so, you know, basically just trying to make the best of it. So that's kind of a appropriate date for it. So John, I mean, any concise comments? Well, what do you think the turnout's going to be, Andy, in this seismic election, really deciding whether Britain stays

in Europe or not? Do you think this might break 60% to the turnout on this? Well, you know, we are a passionately democratic nation to our bootstraps. So, yeah, I mean, that's 60%. I think to be honest, 40% of people might just have given up on the entire idea of democracy, by then, if the early stages of the debate

are anything to go by, people say truth is the first casualty of war. And that is even more so, an apolitical war, such as Britain, is now undergoing. In fact, basically what happened to truth was both sides frog marched it out to the nearest woodland clearing on day one of the campaign

and got a bit Soviet on it. So 60%, I think I hope we'll touch 60%. Confident on that. I mean, are you still allowed to vote or have you... No, no, no, Andy, you know, I've, uh, President Trump would not allow that. That's, um, you, you, you, you pick a lane under President Trump or PT as, uh, uh, he will monogram himself. Um, so, and, uh, Moritz continues, maybe just answer this question, who is the bigger twat? Boris Johnson for Camp Racial, we shall rule the waves, or David Cameron for Camp, come on guys, what was I supposed to achieve in Brussels?

And I mean, that's kind of hard to say, John. I mean, it's a- Oh, I thought he's a Sophie's insult. That's a choice that's very difficult to make. I mean, in terms of raw opportunism, you probably go Johnson, but the larger twat in the physiological sense, you've got to go Cameron. That's a tricky question.

Yeah, I mean, it is, young, it's a very complex philosophical... Go on, Dries, isn't it? I've got almost a Schrodinger's captain that, you know, on the one side side you've got Boris Johnson Michael Gove and Chris Grayling and on the other side you've got George Osborne and David Cameron so you instinctively think both sides are wrong but now we're going to think our way out of this much the early stage I was to do with David Cameron's

deal with Brussels that he hammered out, no or quite knows exactly here, what it involved. But it seemed to largely involve arguing over benefits paid to immigrant workers in Britain to pay for their children back in their home countries, which affects a solid seven or eight people, I believe. Not the most important part of the debate. It was basically like planning a mission to Mars and spending the first three years testing out which coffee capsules work best in zero gravity. It is important to a small extent, but still focus on the big stuff. Cameron has said a number of interesting things. He said leaving Europe would be quotes, a leap in the dark. I think staying would also be a leap in the dark because everything in politics, John nowadays,

is a leap in the dark because politicians do everything they can to keep the public in the dark or at best to light up the wrong thing with the wrong light. So we're just leaping basically. We are leaping with our eyes shut and hoping for the best, whatever we do. He also said he would campaign hot and soul for Britain to stay in Europe. David Cameron said that, campaign hot and soul, which is a bit like a King Cobra, vowing to campaign leg and wing. Well, it means he's not wrong, though, is he, Andy? That is going to be reflective of exactly what he said. Daniel Hanan, the notoriouslyiously euro sceptic m e p

uh... tweeted uh... i think on the day that it was announced when the uh... the uh... the uh... uh... vote was going to be it's february and the pale fuzz of blossom is already on the black thorn ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What? So proud to be British. There are no plants in Europe. Look at that. Britain's Brussels wants to conquer this island over. And say that again. What did he say? It was a tweet. So I mean, you shouldn't read too much in tweets. It said it's February and the pale fuzz of blossom is already on the black thorn. Truly ours is a blessed country. I was like if that's happening in February does that not mean we might be

blessed but also suffering unarguable signs of potentially lethal global warming? I mean that's why like any great poem you can't understand what the f*** he's talking about Andy. Don't you think that this country is so full of f***s we should just vote to leave and just leave Europe to it. I think I'd rather see a compromise where basically we have alternate weeks on and off or at least get to spend weekends and school holidays. That's the thing, rather than a full separation this should be a divorce. Exactly, so exactly, every other weekend maybe some holidays and just a lot of passive aggressive tension during that time. The economist magazine Stroke newspaper, I don't

officially call this a newspaper, it's clearly a magazine. What are you going to make it be on? The point is it's different kinds of a dying industry, aren't they? That's right. Said that the most likely outcome would be that Britain would find itself as a scratchy outsider with almost no influence and few friends. Finally, we can embrace our true national destiny. It's taken hundreds of years, but we've got there. That's right, we were always a scratchy outsider it was just at some point we were a scratch outside of the Rand toothed world's landmass, that's all. This came from Will Davis, who asks, how would you advise we deal with institutions threatening to leave the UK after a Brexit?

For example, I'm certainly in favour, but should it come to pass, the middle third of my penis has threatened to relocate to Brussels. How can I convince it to stay, please, I am very frightened. Well, I mean, Will's got a campaign with his heart and soul to keep that middle third of his penis in the country, hasn't he? Yeah. Or he has to come by with his heart, soul, and the top and lower third of his penis. Now, as you would probably have expected, we had an absolute deluge of emails about the rise of Trump, including one pointing out, John, I believe before we went on our break, you said that you quite hoped he would run for president and basically pinning the blame on you.

Did I say that Andy? I think, was that, that might be in the context of thinking it will be fun if you ran for president. And I'm more than happy to say that I was completely wrong about that. You know, there are certain things that you wish for in life that you should not be given Andy. And it turns out that was one of them.

You know, I was playing with fire and it turns out that was one of them. You know I was playing with fire and it turns out this country's got synched and it may yet go up in a gigantic inferno. Your piece from your show on Trump has been a significant success on both sides of the Atlantic and elsewhere and you know what was the hashtag make Donald Trump again Yes. Which was his original family name. It was, yeah, he's generations ago in Germany, surprise, surprise. The the drumps were, you know, happily keeping themselves to themselves. And then they changed their name to Trump and then eventually emigrated to the US. And you know, the rest is really depressing history. The rest is shiny golden history. Well, if only it were history rather than news and the...

That's true. Yeah, depressing current affairs. But this email came in from Pat Moran, who had won in a fight and why, one drum-sized penis or one hundred penis-sized drumps. One drum-sized penis. Well, this drumps is not really a unit of measurements. That doesn't really make... Well, I know it sounds like it means something, but it doesn't mean anything. And I guess that's the perfect analogy

for Donald Trump in a way. Because he did refer to his junk, didn't he? And in one of the reasons... He did, he did. He said that there was no problem with his penis in slightly different words that happened in a presidential debate, Andy. That's the world in which we live now.

Well, I mean, it was... We're getting so close to the actual idiocracy at just a penis measure in contest, flop it on the podium, dumb. Well, I think the gentleman to the left has it by half an inch. Well, a reminiscent of the 1860s, of course, and I believe Abraham Lincoln said you know what they say about men with big hats. This from Darren in Nova Scotia said have you kept up on the US election while you were away? I hear Donald Trump maybe running is this actually true?

I mean it does feel like some kind of extended prank. Well yeah it felt like either an extended prank or like a book tour that slightly got out of control. And early on, it felt like you might be looking for a dignified way out so we could have fun and then just leave and not actually have to be president. But now I think he wants it. And I think he's close to maybe get his heart

to even say this out loud. And yeah, I guess this is potentially could happen. So I think we all need to plan accordingly. Sit by your radios and await further instructions. Do not. I mean, I've certainly put myself out there, Andy. I don't know if he's first order of business, but he's not said anything after that piece,

which is slightly bizarre. He hasn't threatened any kind of lawsuit, despite the fact HBO has dragon money. So I'm kind of wetting nervously for his first response and I think it might be once he swung into office, he's just pointing to the airport saying, off you go, like a cricket umpire, on your way, back to the pavilion, your little shit. Well, I'll have a word with a picture house in York, see if I can take this. Now, it does, it does, it did initially seem like a prank. And but how likely is it that America will now extend that prank for four years, or even eight years, or f**king, he's Trump, he's not going to be happy until he's done longer

than Roosevelt, but both of them, but together that's a solid 20 years of President Trump. I mean, can it really happen? Well, that's the question that, you know, everyone needs to wrestle with. 20 years of President Trump. I mean, can it really happen? Well, that's the question that, you know, everyone needs to wrestle with. But I mean, the surest is, yeah, this could actually happen. Right. And did the America could elect its first king? Right.

And I mean, how much is this Ben Carson's fault? Because I believe by him running, he's almost made Trump look not quite as... I don't think you can put it all on Ben Carson, Andy. because I'll probably bite him running. He's almost made Trump look not quite as... Well, don't think you can put it all on Ben Carson, Andy. I think this is really has to land squirrely on the feet of people who are voting for him. I think people are very angry with politics, and they're not wrong to be angry about that. You know, if I have candidates foisted upon them,

there's something pretty depressing about the frontrunners being Bush and Clinton at one point, seeing as we have danced that dance before. But this is an overcorrection. This is swirving to avoid a duck and instead just plowing a car straight into a ditch. The highlight of the campaign for me was a fascinating discussion, seemingly largely amongst the Republicans, over whether or not to kill Hitler, because Jeb Bush was asked whether he would kill the infant Hitler, if he had the chance to go back in time and do so. And he said, yes, he would kill the baby Hitler, whereas Ben Karsman was asked whether he would abort the fetus Hitler, and he said, now he was pro-lifes so he would not abort the fetus Hitler, and he said now he was pro-lifes, so he would not abort the fetus Hitler.

So, I appeared that the Republican Party's stance on the Hitler issue was to stand over Mrs. Hitler during childbirth with a chainsaw of futuristic justice. I don't know how that would have played in the Austrian press in the late 19th century. But what puzzled me the most was that neither Bush nor Carson or anyone else as far as I was aware Addressed the more important issue of what they would do to ameliorate the problems of hyperinflation and social dissatisfaction in 1920s Germany that facilitated the rise of Hitler and Nazis and probably would have happened even without the specific figurehead of The slaughtered baby Hitler and once, it seemed that the Republicans were going for the figurehead kill rather than addressing

the more important underlying issues. Saddam Hussein all over again, but ages ago and pretend. That is a less catchy question, Andy, but it's objectively a much better one. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- ...andy in Washington DC asks, I'd like to hear your take on this magically recently revealed play secret Canada, being the place that all Canadians will move to when the Americans move to Canada to escape Trump. Is it true the streets aligned with Poutine and Compliments? Now have you come across Poutine, John? I have. I have come across it. Yeah, that is a heavy snack. That's a bold choice for a dinner.

For those who are not aware of it, it's basically a culinary Vladimir Putin in that it is potentially lethal. Basically, it's fries, cheese curds and gravy. Yes. Slightly more dangerous to your health than Russian roulette, standing on a railway line or playing American football professionally. That puts it. Yeah, it's basically a slightly slow form suicide. Would you consider relocating to Canada? I'm staying, Andy. Right. I'm not running. I'm staying like the string quartet on the Titanic.

I'm not running. I'm staying like the string quartet on the Titanic. I'm staying. And one of the last things I'm going to say is it's been an honor playing with you gentlemen, as America sinks into the ocean. Do you think it's a slight irony that Trump seems to be so hostile towards external people, despite the fact that he himself is a refugee from FACT who found asylum in the comfortably welcoming lunatic embrace of Republican voters. On an equally important democratic issue, this came from J. M, who asks gentlemen, should I vote for Kim Fox in the Democratic primary for Cook County State's attorney? Thank you for your prompt attention to this urgent matter. Is that...

You say urgent matter, has that... when is that vote? Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I mean, Kim Fox looks like a pretty strong candidate to me. So when you look at the other candidates on the ballot paper, former Magnum PI actress Tom Seleck, strong candidate to me. So when you look at the other candidates on the ballot paper, former Magnum PI actress Tom Seleck, Peyton Manning, we just want something to do, to pass the time during retirement. And Justice, he acts 3.1, the computerised robo attorney that is surely the future of law. I mean, have you not been paying attention to the Cook County

State's attorney election, John? I have't. I'm just clicking through the website now through the About Kim page. And yeah, I would say that it doesn't seem and bear in mind of research this since the time that the word Kim Fox was first mentioned. So we're probably about 30 seconds of research. I'd say, yeah, do it. Pull the trigger. This one came in from Jess Smith. Hello, strangers. Bacon or spam? And why? Yours in much anticipation, I've been waiting for this breakfast since the 29th of May, 2015. PS, please don't leave me hanging, bit dogs. Bacon, Andy, the answer is bacon. I'll tell you why, because we're not at war. Yes, I mean, if the question was bacon, Spam or Ham, I would definitely leave you hanging,

Jess, ideally for a solid 18 to 24 months to allow the full flavour. And referring to us as big dogs, if you meant foot long hot dogs, I might well go for them. I recently went to Copenhagen, John, with my family, just for a couple. Oh, yeah. And they are not afraid of the foot long hot dog in Denmark. And just one quick message to Copenhagen, John, with my family, just for a couple of years. Oh, yeah. And they are not afraid of the footlong hot dog in Denmark. And just one quick message for Copenhagen. Next time I'm walking from the station to a hotel with my family and two young children, is there any chance you could put slightly fewer enormous dildos in your shop windows?

That would be... That would be conversationaly appreciated. Well, that's constructive criticism for the capital of Denmark. Yeah. This one came from a yona on another one of the big issues. Do you think Germany's open door policy in the refugee crisis is the right course of action? I personally think we should transform a lot of historical buildings, for example, Schloss Shan Suci and Potsdam into refugee centres instead of having them sleep intense. There's a lot of room and nobody lives there anyway. The UK has a lot of castles too,

doesn't it? You could probably do the same. Well, maybe this is the world's solution. I mean, I think Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle alone could pretty much take about a third of Syria. I think Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle alone could pretty much take about a third of Syria. It's been one of the defining issues of politics in Britain whilst we've been away. I do have a solution, John, for the global migration crisis, which is a three-step solution. One is to change the entire nature of the human psyche. That's step one. Yeah, because we've always wanted to live somewhere nicer than we do live if we live somewhere shit.

Yeah, so just to be clear, we can't get a step two without effectively dealing with step one. Step one is the absolute sine qua known of this scheme. Okay, all right. Change the entire nature of the human psyche to stop people waiting to move away from these horrible places. Two, I believe we need to ban all history. Right. Because that's, I mean, that very wise.

That just won't cause us a lot of trouble around around the world. And three, from a British point of view, I believe we should build a moat around Britain. Well, that's it. Britain already has it should build a moat around Britain. Well, that's, Britain already has it, you want a moat within the moat, you want a moat within the English Channel. Okay, I might not have entirely thought that through,

but it's got to be worth a go. Another one of the big stories, whilst we were away, a number of you mailed about, this came in from Michael Benson, which is dear Andy John and Chris, in order of how disappointed in you I am. How in capital letters? How in the name of Zeus?

Did you not do a special bugle about David Cameron, tea bagging a pig's head? Because, he explained that. David Cameron, tea bag to fucking pig's head for fuck's sake. This from me, Harika, dear John Cresson Andy, a short summary of what you've missed.

David Cameron f***ing a pig. David Cameron f***ing a pig. Written out 10 times. David Cameron f***ing a pig. Wait, didn't hold on. Hold on. Did he... That's in the eye of the beholder. Did he f*** a pig or did he baptize a pig with his penis?

It is legally, it is such an incredibly fine line. The story for those of you who unfortunately missed it, Cameron Piggate, which I believe coincidentally is a lovely village in his Oxfordshire constituency, was the claim that as a student, David Cameron once quotes, this is a quote, and directly from a newspaper report,

puts a private part of his anatomy into a dead pig's mouth during a, quotes, bizarre initiation ritual. I don't know if the word bizarre was entirely necessary in that, but I mean, I guess what I would say to this is let he who has never put his penis in the dead mouth of a pig, God, the first stone.

I mean, do you respect David Cameron Les, John, knowing that, I mean... Well, no, but then again, you've got the full context there is how much I respect David Cameron. So, yeah, my opinion of him is not lower, if that's what you're asking, no. It has not negatively affected my perception of him is not lower if that's what you're asking. No, it has not negatively affected my perception of him in any way. I mean, the intriguing part of the story was just

thinking that Silvia Burlescoeany must have been hearing about this thinking, why the hell did I never think of that? That is the only thing I haven't put it in yet. Goods, well, because for Silvia, you don't think about it. It's all instincts with that guy. I mean, I believe there was certain mitigating circumstances. Obviously, this is merely allegation, but let's face it, being to our world, things that happened. It's basically just, you know, it's upperclass, you know, it's from an upperclass background. And like, Princesses can tell if a P is a pilot mattresses, so a true aristocrat has to prove his credentials by showing that he can use his prongle trunk

as a meat thermometer. Was it an aberration or was it nothing more than a kind of German fairy tale? Yeah, kind of. Yeah, only that you can be both. And also, I would say surely, it is far, far better to have a Prime Minister who has already put his penis into the dead mouth of a dead pig Then a Prime Minister who is constantly wondering what it would be like to put his penis in the dead mouth

Surely that that has to be extremely distracted Let's move on to sport John. It's been an amazing sport story whilst we've been away. This came from James Knight. Hello, Andy and John, welcome back. When the Beagle stopped releasing weekly last March, Leicester were bottom of the Premier League and relegation certainty. Oh, yeah. They're now top of the Premier League and favourites for the title. Yes. Could you please f*** off again until June? What's regards, James Knight? It's amazing. Yeah.

It's absolutely amazing. It's hard to really get across to Americans what exactly is happening regarding Leicester because it should be mathematically, financially, and physically impossible, what is happening. I couldn't want Leicester to win more. I mean, Chris, you're a Tottenham Hotspur fan, and they're second in the table.

Yeah, wouldn't mind too much. Would you? No, I mean, I would quite a bit take second if we finish over Arsenal, which shows both our lack of ambition and hatred for Arsenal with. Oh, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just,

I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, but it was also damaged Europe. So I think that would be happy with it. It's a big thing.

Well, you say we're like electoral suicide bovers. Yeah. Essentially. Leicester, when in the premiership, do you know, I mean, you say it's quite hard to understand, but with a whole of Premier League football is basically designed to ensure that things like this do not happen.

It would be basically like the Tour de France being won by Ernie the Unicycling Clown. We had various emails about what we've been doing during the hiatus. Often most of it trying to come to terms with England getting knocked out of the rugby world cup at the group stage in their home tournament, which I took my son to see the England Wales game, John Twickenham, where England lost and that was basically where it all went wrong. And my son spent the last 10 minutes of the match in uncontrollable tears as the United Spirit of Defence the defeat. It was it hit him. I think his first encounter with true sporting heartbreak. That's fantastic.

The age of nearly seven. That's what it's all about Andy. That is a memory that is going to help him in his life. Yep. But it's tears of happiness at England winning the World Cup. That is not setting him up for what life is. This is that the most wonderful, like, character-forming moment you can possibly fathom. Total devastation through disappointment.

And this, on the subject of our hiatus, comes from James in Boston, who simply writes, what the f***ing f***ing you f***ing hammers? Can you not- Oh, that's nice. Can you not give your not-so-law-now-listeners if any of them still exist? The goddamn morsel of information over the past year Seriously, that thank you Chris from James Well, it's already been away for so long, but anyway, I think we should probably wrap it up there for our return episode We should hopefully back in about the same time in April

We will be seeking your emails on specific topics for future bugles. So look out for that call to arms on Twitter, dookie, and all the sin about whatever you want as well. So that's it until next time, bugleers. Thanks very much for listening. Until next time, goodbye. Bye. until next time goodbye.