The Bugle - Bugle 4022 – Not Scared, Bored

Episode Date: March 25, 2017

Andy and Nish on the response to the Westminster terror attack, Trump's failed bill, the happiness index and Scotland's confused position.Plus baseball news.*Recorded before the healthcare bill went completely down the pan Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, viewers! And welcome to issue 4,022 of the Bugle, the 21st Century news recording show that could so easily have been lost forever on a load of papyrus scrolls if it had existed just a

couple of short millennia ago, which was a fragile universe this is, with me, Andy's ultimate aged 42, the 46-time winner of the Year Award for International Self-Agrandizement Monthly Magazine. This is for the week beginning Monday, the 27th of March, 2017, and I'm here in London, and joining me here in London, it is the King himself, Elvis Pres, sorry, wrong intro. He's coming on my new podcast, Faker and Shake It.

And with Scheler 2's who fake their own deaths, tell me about the favorite ingredients for a milkshake. A Queen Mother, Gouche Bintamata ketchup, who do you think it? No, I need to find the right intro. Hang on, it's not fake and shake it. It's not the all new extreme McCromy show. It's not shut up and plant.

That's my part about the new silent gardening craze. It's not, journey's into space space real stories of people legally parking their cars Here of the bugle the bugle and joining me here this week in London It's a man who puts the laughter into our bloody hope he makes us laugh today It's miss Kumar Hello, Andy. Hello, but you glurs. Hello. How how how are you? Yeah, I'm alright I mean starting the introduction by suggesting that I was going to be Elvis, and then revealing it was, in fact, me. It's possibly one of the worst cases of unnecessarily hard

expectations I've had since I had to replace Miranda Hart at a charity gig. Very disappointing for a lot of that audience. Very disappointing indeed. What, you can? Well, as you midwifery these days. It's not what it used to be, Andy. Well, you know, midwifery is you've got to keep your hand in. Well, that's why I quit after one. Fade one, one, one, out of the game. Get it out of the top. You're a one hit wonder of midwif... You're the Babylon Zoo of midwifery. This is the beautiful the weep beginning, the 27th of March on this day in 1871 was the first ever international rugby match. Scotland versus England in Edinburgh at the time it was thought to be just a standard afternoon

fight, but it later turned out to have been a rugby match. And on the 26th of March, 1484, William Caxton, the printing press pinup, printed his translation of Esop's Fables. Are you an Esop fan? Nish. Huge Esop fan, mate. Absolutely huge. Love a Fable. Yep.

Well, more than 650 Fables by the ancient Greek 35-time analogist of the year. And in Caxton's first English edition included less and own fable, such as the worm and the lawnmower, the moral of that story being stay underground at all costs. The fish in the face, moral careful what you say and who you say it to. The tortoise in the hair part two, the sequel, the moral of which is quit while you're ahead. And the serpent and the sausage, the moral of which is don't make yourself a nighttime snack without adequate lighting. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week, a Southern Hemisphere special section.

Yes, you have been exclusive. Look at one of the world's greatest ever. That was an unusual response. So, what's your beef with the bottom half of this? I've got very caught up in the India Australia test. All right. Okay. I think I think I'm just feeling very loyal to the Northern hemisphere at the moment.

Well, it's, uh, yeah, touch, touch and go. The fire, the climactic final test coming up this week. Um, we'll have exclusive coverage on it in the next bugle, no doubt. Um, uh, so Southern hemisphere section, um, I mean, he's one of the world's great hemispheres for me. And coincidentally, I am off to the Southern Hemisphere on Sunday to watch my career go the other way down the plughole. My Melbourne, my Melbourne is a so sorry. Written me off very quickly into this episode.

Comedy is truth people. My Melbourne International Comedy Festival show begins on Thursday as running till the 23rd of April live bugle shows on the 16th and 23rd lineups to be announced on the days before the performances then Sydney the 24th or 27th Auckland 16th and 23rd lineups to be announced on the days before the performances then Sydney, the 24th, the 27th, Auckland, 28th and 29th, finishing up in Wellington on the 30th. That's a new date and the first of May. So what coincidence that the section of the bench should be a Southern Hemisphere section. We look at the tropic of Capricorn, the celebrity line around the Southern Hemisphere, marking, of course, the sub-solar point of the December solstice, you don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that.

Does it have a future in the internet age? What can the renowned latitudinal circle do to stay relevant for the YouTube and Snapchat generation? Would it have to move from its current 23.4-degree South location and maybe tripping a weekly line instead of a straight one? With 33% of the world's land, but only 11% of the world's people. We ask, is it time for the Southern hemisphere to get it arse in gear and make itself more habitable? Why should Europe have to have so many more people than the Adacama Desert in Chile? Is that justice? And we ask where the Richard

Branson's proposed new Southern continent of Virginia will help the bottom half of the globe catch up with the top half in terms of number of noble laureates will snooker champions produced and nuclear weapons owned. Plus Antarctica, shman talkticker is the South Pole continent and 1930s Nazi hoax. No, but if it were, would we have a sacred right and a moral duty to eat penguins alive and smear their fascist blood on our faces to make a point? You can't say stuff like that anymore because now Donald Trump is likely to tweet that Antarctica is a Nazi ice colony. It's going to be a whole reddit sub four and created off the back of that idle comment

on a podcast. Also, can I just say Andy, seeing you say the word Snapchat was one of the most unusual sites. It was like seeing a dog play the piano. Ah! Ah! Ah! Thanks.

Can I put that on my poster? Yeah. I think I'm just jealous because I'm not, this is my first year without a Southern Hemisphere visit. Right. I think, yeah, I'm, yeah. Take my annual trip to the Southern Hemisphere. No, I've been for the last couple of years to Melbourne, and you've seen it, and I think I'm gonna, I think I'm, I'll take my annual trip and the sun that ever spent. No, I've been for the last couple of years

to Melbourne, do you see it? I think I'm gonna miss it. You go like, to breed, don't you? Yeah. He flies south. Anyway. There's an out of a program about how Nish Kumar's reproduced coming out on the world-life channel.

Anyway, how do we get, oh yeah, that section was in the bin. So all of this are relevant. Top story this week. Terrorists are still... Yes, that's... Well, we've had that good firm for us here in London. Once again. Yes. But I cannot win. And this is proof that they cannot win. On this week's Bugle, we have a brown man with a beard and someone from Kent. We will not, we will not change our way of life. And I'll leave you to guess which one is which.

Well, I, well, I, I'm a brown man with a beard who went to school in Kent. So I'm, I'm right in the danger zone. Surround this building now. Andy, there was another terrorist attack this week, which I'm sure bugles are all aware of. In the immediate sort of aftermath of the attack, there's a huge amount of speculation as to where this man was from and who he was. I tell you who he was, he was a complete... And I think everyone would just prefer it. If every so often, the 10 o'clock news started with Hugh Edwards saying, ladies and gentlemen, tonight a complete has done something completely... It would be nice to have that level of honesty because

it was described as an attack on our democracy, which is, I think, dignifying it with a purpose it simply does not deserve. And also, as attacks on democracy go, it was about as effective as throwing an egg at an oil tanker in protest against the concept of things floating or tennis. It wasn't an attack on our values either as Londoners, as British people, as Europeans, as Northern hemisphericles, as humans, or as sentient beings of the universe. It was simply, as you say, a **** being an idiotic murderous **** for no other reason or purpose and that **** will be **** as I believe the first draft of Theresa May's speech to help

the commons her set before she's toned it down. It's been an interesting choice for her to have Tarantino punch up some of her speeches. The man's name is Khalid Masood. He's 52 years old and the moment reports are that he was formally known as Adrian Russell Agile and born in Kent. It does raise a very important question, Nish. And that is, should we blow up Kent? Well, I was thinking more, we're not saying a, you know, Nish. And that is, should we blow up Kent?

Well, I was thinking more, I mean, that's a, you know, a hostile, and that's really what the people called Adrian from Ken are wanting. That's the kind of reaction they want. I would ask, how can we stop as a nation? We have to look very seriously, how we stop people called Adrian from Kent coming to Britain. I mean, it's, I know it might, it might be provocative to suggest that, but someone is going to have

to look at that banana in the eye. At the moment, ISIS, certain ISIS channels or cells claiming responsibility for the attack. And at this point, I mean, it's fucking easy being ISIS. It's so fucking easy. All you have to do is just kick back some nutcase to something absolutely insane. And you just go, yeah, that was us. And I've decided if you can't beat him, join him. I mean, just to be clear,

when it's his experience, his listening, I mean that in a completely metaphorical sense and have no plans to join ISIS. But I am now gonna start claiming credit for other comedians work. I'm claiming credit for every single episode of the bugle. Even the ones that I wasn't in, I'm also claiming credit for John's HBO show and I'm absolutely claiming credit for Seinfeld series one to seven. That was all me. Come on out. I'm also claiming credit for Monique's Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for Precious. That's me. I did it.

I don't like ISIS. Whoa, whoa, I mean, steady, unzults, but I'm sorry. God. I'm just going to drop the Michael that one. Slip being with Leady Brookes himself. I really don't like them. I really cannot understand this. can't put why they still doing this. It doesn't make sense to me this is a completely pointless and unwinnable fight that my

school when we played into House rugby matches. Sure. If you weren't 13. Calibre intrigued. Okay. This is going if you if your team went 13.0 down, then the referee stroke teacher would just end the game. Really? The guy said it was not a fair contest. I should come to the current score, but I would say I'll losing by about 45,000 to 12. They've landed a couple of speculative drop goals, but in the grand scheme of things, they're, but just give up. Surely.

What is the fucking point? I don't know why anyone hasn't put it to them in those terms. Right. Well, I am putting it to them now. And we know they're listening. I think they know the email address for this show. Hello, viewers. Oh, God.

Oh, God. So, this was for taking the fight to Iceland. One email at a time. Yeah, anyway. There's been some baffling reportage from around the world, specifically America on events in London. They've, you know, there's been a lot of talk

that Londoners were walking around, looking confused, concerned, and upset.. Now what I would say is, yes, that is true, but that is sort of how Londoners look. That's sort of just all Londoners. Only time we have not looked confused up. So what was the all confused upset upset and concerned concern. The only time that has not been the case was during the London Olympics. Yeah, that was the only time. Yeah, that was absolutely the only time. The reason everyone looks depressed is because their rent is so high. I mean, you'd walk around looking concerned too if you were paying £1,000 a month for

a box room out the back of a cabab shop. And also the other thing is that as much as Londoners are always very concerned about the constant threat of terrorism, that's something that we just live with, we are also more concerned about how we're going to get home of an evening. And if you really want to scare Londoners, terrorist attack and not the words to use, the words to use our rail replacement service, that is really how you scare the people of this city. And I guarantee you that most of Londoners, when they saw that news, will have not thought, oh my God, our cities and the siege, they will have thought, let me go on the transport for London website and see how I'm going to get home tonight.

Um, Katie Hopkins, see, uh, uh, oh, good. How did this, not, the journalist seems professional asshole? Uh, okay, we'll go with that. The, uh, P.A. Um, see, uh, I never knew that. The PA. I'll never do that. I thought it stood for. Yeah. She, as is her, won't squeeze some lemon into the bleeding eyeball of this tragedy.

With a tweet saying, Sadie can't addressing the London mayor, Sadie can't. If you are penning some naff misive about a proud city standing together united by shared values, think again, son. Now, sure enough, Sadie can't did, surely after that, issue a message along those lines. I mean, naff, what I mean, it's hard to be original in that, I mean, for example, I mean Churchill with his hackneyed old Wee shall never surrender stick. Boring Winston, boring, heard it. I do not want originality.

I'm happy with Nath and derivative in a message like that from a mayor or the Prime Minister, or I was not thinking as a Londoner, right, I hope the mayor gets a bit or the prime minister. Or I was not thinking, as a lunderer, right. I hope the mayor gets a bit creative on this one. I want something wacky and off the wall. Something completely unexpected, like a song about a duck flag tennis on the moon. It was, yeah, it was, I mean, that was a depressing aspect. Very dispiriting of it.

Very dispiriting that Katie Hopkins and Nigel Farage saw a terrorist attack happen, saw people. Certainly at that point, it was clearly established very quickly that people had died and they did what any good patriot would do. They immediately gave an interview to Fox News. That's what all patriots do, Andy. That's what Churchill would have done. Very few people know that we will fight them on the beaches beach was originally an interview with Sean Hannity. Tommy Robinson. Oh, and now he is a he's the ex-leader of the shit brain far right headed to sold English to Fence League. That is their full title, yes.

He, um, he hurried to the actual scene of the tragedy to squirt his bile. And, uh, that's, I mean, that's an old thing to do as well, isn't it? Yeah, very odd to see a terrorist incident and think. What the, get the, get the flip cam. I'll bet I'll better get the hair and be a real. Exactly. Tommy Robinson, who has, especially because there were so many incredible stories, stories

coming out of people rushing in to help out with the attack, including conservative MP Tobiaselwood, who a performance EPR worked hard to save the life of the police officer who unfortunately died. The fact that they're all these positive stories and in amongst all of that, you have to deal with Tommy Robinson and his own personal brand of assholery, running in not to help, but to shout about immigration.

It's just fucking ridiculous. As a Londoner, let me just say this, you whic is? Fuck you, Katie Hopkins and go fuck yourself, Tommy Robinson, you enormous f**k. To me, a KT Hopkins was accused in one article of hating London.

I think that's a bit unfair. I think she just hates the universe. Yeah, exactly. I think we should sing about London first. Yeah, it is baffling for people who bang on about how much they hate ISIS, given that we know one of the stated aims of that organization, slash repository for

**** is to drive a wedge between, you know, ordinary Muslims and the countries that they're living in. Why, if you hate ISIS so much, are you then directly contributing to that? And what I would say is, is Katie Hopkins in ISIS? That is the question we must now ask. Of course she has never explicitly denied it. This is a bugle exclusive. Anyway, and it was something that this idea that we were afraid, we saw I think it was Fox in London, is a city that's afraid, was words along that we're not afraid in London is a city that's afraid, what's words are long, we're not afraid in London.

We were just pissed off, sad and bored, frankly, of what I believe terrorism academics call, technically, quotes, this kind of pointless shit. So, I'm scared. Some of the media reporting around this particular incident has not been ideal. I think it's fair to say. No. Oddly voyeuristic.

Oddly voyeuristic. Yeah. Supposedly reputable sources. Yeah. And oddly voyeuristic and sometimes poorly researched because Channel 4 news had to issue an apology and a retraction because they stated that the name of the attacker was a man called Abu Isadine. Now, unfortunately, Abu Isadine is currently in prison for sadly unable to have carried out a major terrorist attack. The BBC News then reported on a tube sign, which sometimes are tube stations, the staff

will write little motivational messages, and there was one about how the people of Britain won't be cowed by this, but it turned out to be fake and turned out to be the result of a software that's available online for you to just fake up one of these. But that still didn't stop me being reported on by the news and then discussed in the houses of Parliament. And just this morning, the Daily Mail has now blamed the whole thing on Google. And apparently it's Google's fault. And without wishing to stereotype that organisation, I assume the inference of the whole piece is, this never would have happened if we used good British search engines. It would be no terrorism if we all just asked Jeves. I was in, I actually saw, I actually came face to face with Nigel Farage. Because I is basically the leader of a party. He's basically the ex-leader of a party that has one seat in the House of Commons. So why he is an authority

on anything is absolutely beyond me, but I saw him going into the BBC and I've never seen him before and I didn't know how I would feel when I saw him. And I just got so angry. And I was just looking at him thinking, you you ruined my country. What the fuck are you doing at the BBC? Right? And then I went, we won air at the time. I went in and my friend was in there and I told him what happened. And he said, you do realize that he was probably looking at you thinking exactly the same thing. Fuck you. What the fuck are you doing here? You ruined my fucking country.

Also, I was wearing a jumper from an anthology of essays called The Good Immigrant. So all in all, I'm pretty sure it was exactly what Nigel for us things goes on at the BBC. And now on the Bughall and it's time for... The Trumpet. Nish, I'm finding it hard to keep up with all the Trump related events in America. But I think I'll reach saturation points about 30 seconds into the inauguration speech. And I'm just keeping topping it up for a few weeks. But I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them. I have four of them.'ve not been not completely all over, all over this. And Andy, you've learned nothing from all of this

time you've spent watching modern journalism. It's not about whether you know anything, it's about whether you can quickly say something and form an opinion without any facts. Well, I mean, I think that's, that's a relevant point because to me, it doesn't actually matter whether or not Donald Trump was wiretapped. If he even thinks he might have been wiretapped, is that not enough? No, but the point is not stand. Actually, the point is not stand, but we live in a world of perceptions, and if someone as powerful as Donald Trump can think he's been wiretapped, that means that any of us can think we've been wiretapped. And that that terrifies me to the core of my being. What if the FBI or the CIA or the MLB or the LBW have been or may have been potentially snooping on my private conversations with my wife about changing batting positions of weakkeepers over the course of test match history. You know, if they could be doing that, it could be any of you next,

buglers, you idiots, wake up if you want to be able to sleep at night. Yeah, sheephole. First Trump. Then me next, any of you could be thinking you've been what, perhaps that is a horrific road to be going down. It is a bold decision to do so many jokes about American politics that involve cricket references. Just trying to build those bridges. Yeah. And the Trump presidency, my feeling about the whole thing is Donald Trump becoming President of America is a bit like when George Clooney became Batman. Right.

No one can really figure out how it happened. The whole thing is sort of turned into a cartoony mess and it inexplicably involves a huge amount of fighting with Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Trump campaign is just lurching from scandal to scandal like a drunk man on his way home trying to find an open chicken shop joke. Vueglis may be based on personal experience from the author. And so, yeah, this week we've got more allegations of wiretapping, more house Republicans coming forward into wondering that Trump substantiate the wiretapping allegations, more instances of Trump refusing to retract or substantiate the wiretapping allegations. And in the middle of all of this, Trump's connections to Russia have come under more scrutiny.

And like a painting of me by my friend's racist grandmother, nothing about it looks good. Is that also based on personal experience? It may well be Andrew. Do you have a picture of that painting? We could maybe share on the beautiful social media feeds. No, my suspect of Google is could probably not quite. We may be inviting trouble. Chris has just got pain to look on his face as the man who bring it on. Everybody paint niche please. First ISIS now racist painting. The vehicles email addresses about to take an absolute pounding this week. Fucking have to have another new one. I'm just talking, bloody dating, so I e-mails. It's like, how desperate are these farms? So the Russian allegations, all we know at the moment, is the FBI have officially announced that they are investigating Trump's connections to Russia and whether he may have had knowledge

of Russian interference in the 2016 election. And there's sort of more information coming out constantly about various people associated with the Trump campaign and the slightly spicy associations with Russia. Paul Manifold, who was Trump's campaign manager until August 2016, he actually left his job when a secret ledger was discovered, suggesting that he'd received $12.7 million between 2007 and 2012 from Ukraine's former president, who's very pro-Russia, and there's more evidence emerging this week that Manafort had been paid, as recently as 2009, by a Russian oligarch to lobby on behalf of the Kremlin. It's not great, Andy. It's really, it's, it's stacking up. Yes. That does, that does

not smell especially fragrance. It's, unless you particularly enjoy the grease smell of rotting borscht. But the thing is, they're constantly saying that there's no actual, you know, so far there isn't actually any evidence that's come out. You know, connections between the Russian campaign. The only interesting thing, I think, is why do all of these people keep lying about it? Like Jeff Sessions, who under oath said that he had no contact, which turned out to be a complete lie, either there has been collusion between the Trump campaign or or Russia or all of Donald Trump's staff members are having affairs with Russian women. It can only be one of those two things. Could it be both? I mean, both seems quite like it. I've got, I can't complain really because I've said before,

certainly, and I don't know if I've said it on this show, certainly said it in stand-up, but I believe America, because it's the nation that shapes so much of the world, that the only people who should be allowed to vote in American elections are people from anywhere other than the United States. And maybe this is just some kind of trial scheme, so let Russia have its rightful say before then rolling it out to the rest of the world in 2020. Let's look for the positives. insightful say before then rolling it out to the rest of the world in 2020. Let's look for the positives.

Also, I'm not sure Trump is going to let us a lot of talk about what will Trump last until 2020. Sure. It's looking increasingly unlikely, just because at his current rate of practice, Trump's golf will have improved to the level where he can join the PGA tour. As a solid professional ranked between 18120 and the world, probably within six months. And surely he will jettison the president at that point. Surely. I mean, you're more money as a jobbing tour pro.

And he's all about the dollar. He might be about to impeach himself to join the PGA. There's more bad news for Trump this week. His healthcare bill currently looks about as unhealthy as low income Americans will be if he gets past it to law. It's not looking good. It's not looking good for him. They've delayed the vote as we record and amidst allegations that he doesn't have the votes, even on the Republican side, to get the bill passed. And there was, we're also seeing absolutely extraordinary pictures of a panel of the optimistically named Freedom Caucus, who are discussing reforms affecting pregnancy

and maternity care. There are 25 people in that room, not a single woman, not a single woman. The discussion over women's healthcare has turned out to be quite the sausage fest. I'm looking at this picture, Andy. I'll be honest with you. In terms of the gender ratio, it's looking like pictures from my 16th birthday party. But I mean, I would say this key difference race wise, very different. I don't understand the American health care debate fully because, well, that's impossible for anyone who's not both a American and be an omniscient deity with a high tolerance for bullshit. And excuse me, American beauty is to have I've interpreted this wrong.

But if it passes, this could be the week when Trump frees the ordinary American to needlessly dive curable diseases without the metropolitan elite and the fake news media try to keep them artificially alive But that seems to be what what this is about. Yeah, I could be wrong. Yeah, it's one in the eye for political correctness I think that seems to be the terms of the debate's big phrase We talked a bit about Wielders Indeed last week and I mean that's That is a kind of hair that usually ends up in a courtroom dock in the hage.

I don't think everything. I can't really understand how you, I mean, he must do it himself, because I can't really imagine even someone like him. And I am at the loop when it comes to hair. I don't think either of us are in the loop when it comes to hair. I've not paid for a haircut in a year beginning with two. And I am at the loop when it comes to hair. I don't think either of us are in the loop when it comes to hair. I've not paid for a haircut in a year beginning with two. So...

October 99, that was the last time. What happened that made you not return to hair dresses? Well, there was one occasion which I asked my now wife, whether she would cut my hair for me. And this is your wife, the professional criminal barrister? Yes. She, she said yes.

And that was the most exciting ever been when she answered yes to And that was the most exciting I've ever been when she answered yes to one of my questions. And so since then she's doubled up as my experts. That's what I've stayed right at the very cutting edge of her quaffeuring fashion. It is a sort of alarming trend and it does suggest that people are sort of like Gertmilder's is going into hair salons and saying, listen, give me the full Ikeman. How I caught, you see, what would you like Mr. Wilder's? What's trending at the moment? Well, you could go for a high fade with a loose pompadour or short at the sides with the

crop fringe. Maybe even a tapered fade with undercuts. Oh, I'm not really sure about any of them. Could you just give me something that makes me look like I would quite happily commit genocide? LAUGHTER Certainly, sir. Would you like something for the weekend?

Only if that's something is an immigrant to blame. LAUGHTER Despite Mr Wilders, the Netherlands has come in sixth on the latest chart of the world's happiest nations. God, yeah, I forgot that this has come out this week. Yes. It's, well, it's got UK up four places to 19th. Oh, well, I mean, that's Brexit, isn't it?

That's Brexit, or is it, I've started googling. It could be that. Well, a couple of things has happened. As I've said it once, and I'll say it again, where's my fucking night? I think, um, I think the thing with Britain, we do the yo-yo, yo-yo, I'm down on this. And that is because fundamentally, as a nation,

we're only happy when we're miserable. Yeah. So every time we drop down the rankings, that makes us happier, and that pushes up back up the rankings. And we don't like that, so we then slip down the rankings again. And that's not a mood, it's like a philosophical quandary. Yeah. America still doing all right, down one place to 14th,

which is pretty impressive given the amount of drops that, but it does not reflect well on the 136 countries below them in the Canada 7th. That's the, those A's. A's. I mean, there's 155 countries listed in this year's rankings. Yeah. Syria, 150 second.

Fourth last. Not, not last. How is Syria? Wow. That does not say a lot for Tanzania, Burundi, and the Central Africa Republic. Oh, my God. That's rough.

And Syria breaks up the traditional all African bottom nine. Dear Africa, oops, sorry, love Europe. Um, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, tragically is the closest thing Africa has come to a genuine apology from the from the work for the West. The big move as before we get to the the exciting chart toppers, the UAE up seven to 21st only a couple of places behind the UK. I'm guessing they might not have factored in all the slaves on the building sites or 100% of the traffic prostitutes. Somalia. You're right.

They did not get a look in. But Somalia down 17 to 93. How the fuck was Somalia in the top 80 last year? Venezuela down 38 places to 80 seconds. That's not looking good for Mr. Mr. Madura. The top 10 in reverse order. Sweden in 10th, Austria, New Zealand, two countries

that in April become significantly happier when I go there to do my stand-up show. Can I just also say that in the year that they're talking about I did stand-up shows in both Australia and New Zealand. You're f***ing welcome Southern hemisphere. 7th Canada, 6th Netherlands, Finland. I just stand up in Canada as well. What the fuck mate? Oh, fucking nailing this. You have to organize a tour to the Central African Republic issue. Oh, it's to humanity.

Yeah. Yeah. It's time for me to bite the bullet and head to the CIR. Switzerland down one to fifth. But that might not be factoring in Roger Federer's sensational form this year. I don't know when they measured it, because you'd have thought Switzerland would be back on top of the Federer. Oh, I mean, back in up is Australian.

Australian and Indian Wells. If he keeps it going, I reckon Switzerland will be, Switzerland could turn into the sort of Manchester United in the 90s of the happiness in this. Yeah, I might get so happy that they give some of the gold back. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's go crazy here, Andy. That's not that happy. Fourth, Iceland, third. You're welcome, Iceland. Glad that football match meant so much to you. Denmark, second and up three to first. Norway.

Good work, Norway. How many's a strong showing from Scandinavia. And Scandinavia is really bringing the heat. Yeah, bringing a lot of happiness to the world. So all those countries have in common, those top 10. Well, apart from Nyskiv, or appearing in an edstable masses. What, they're all pretty well off. Sure.

And also, they're all countries where basically nothing ever happens. And that's a recipe for the world. Just this shit going on, happier people. It's it, I mean, first of all, with this thing, this is the world happiness report. And it's an official thing that's produced by the United Nations. So let's just get this out of the way. I think we can all agree tremendous use of time and result of it. Like absolutely so pleased that the UN, I'm so glad there's nothing else of any

significance happening in the world that the UN has time to devote a whole ****ing department to a world happiness report. North Korea not listed. North Korea is the happiest country of the universe. Absolutely. It's the happiest country of the universe. But they said apparently with the grading, there was a big gap between the top four and the rest of the table suggesting that the world happiness report is basically the Premier League. And what we now need is for some Russian billionaire to invest heavily in somewhere like Burundi, and in a Manchester City style move completely up in the charts. Or what we need is a real

sort of plucky outsider, you know, like you sort of, you know, I don't know, like your Mozambiques or you're a guise, just a surge back in, like Leicester did last season. What I'm saying is, Burundi should look into electing Claudio Ranieri as president. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The UK breaking apart like an artistically conflicted 1960s rock band now. And I said, also, we talk about the Scottish independence issue. It's been slightly superseded by a Vintin London on this show as indeed. In fact, the Scottish parliament was interrupted

by that. Yeah, the debate was actually interrupted with the news and they suspended the debate. And yeah, it could be, I mean, just when you thought we'd had all the referendums we can stomach for a lifetime, referendums could be basically the situation is, Theresa May is determinedly felmering this country towards a stonking hard Brexit. And Scottish First Minister Nicholas Sturgeon is now trying to Louise the UK towards skecks it. Either way, we're stuck in the tied up in the back of a car waiting for the impact. Yeah, that's right. The UK has Brexit at the EU and now it may be about to Brexit itself.

Yeah, they can't. Oh, yeah. Well, that's the idea when they can't see each other out from a Scottish point of view. That's right. Yeah. It's just, it's absolutely great news for everyone who is a fan of pointlessly divisive referent. The thing is, I have a huge amount of sympathy for, you know, regardless of what your feelings are, the SMP was elected on a platform of saying, we would have a second referendum if there was a major constitutional change. So I guess Brexit does qualify as

that. But what's now going to happen is that Theresa May is about to go on a tour of Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland, where she's basically going to tell all of them that they need to think very carefully about making a decision like this because it could have serious economic ramifications. So I assume this is going to be her part calling the kettle black tour. Oh yes. Well, she did say, but she explicitly warned Scotland that it would be ridiculous to leave their biggest trading partner. And without collapsing in fits of hysterics and giggling for a week. It's quite impressive that in a lot of ways. So now Scotland's being instructed to see how things

pan outside the EU, which they didn't want to be, before deciding again whether to leave the UK, which they didn't want to do, and try to rejoin the EU that they didn't want to leave. I always have it, and I think they'll just vote for trends and definitely meditate until they exist on a higher plane of consciousness and can leave such earthly matters behind. I think that is the ultimate goal now. Sport now or a possibly distressing lack of sports. Yeah. Durban, the South African city has pulled out of hosting the 2022 Commonwealth game. On the grounds that it quotes can't be asked a host-fucking-point is relic of empire

than on gets a shit. Sorry, I've read that wrong. Sorry, because it cannot justify the expended to need it to host a prestigious international sporting event that keeps the historic umbilical bonds alive between the womb of her majesty herself and all the children of her soul. So I mean this is it raises questions for the huge the future of the Commonwealth Games niche. Absolutely huge. The Commonwealth Games ought to give them their full title, the Dogshit Olympics. Currently is homeless for its 2022 incordation because Derby does suddenly realise that it doesn't have the capacity to spend the money it needs on the infrastructure to

put the games on. So Liverpool and Birmingham have stepped into the breach. Right. I mean, the surfing would be much less exciting than the German, wouldn't it? Snapsnap. I don't know, I don't think surfing's in the Commonwealth games. Well, it certainly is not going to be if it ends up in Birmingham. They might have to pull up a pool in the ball ring. This goes beyond the Commonwealth Games, obviously an event close to everyone's heart. The Olympics is also struggling to find host cities. There's only two left bidding for 2024.

Wow. Paris and Los Angeles. So in terms of opening ceremonies, we're looking at giant baguettes or more jet packs. Oh, yeah. I've talked about this. I mean, this is before you were born. When were you born? 85.

Yeah. 84 Olympics. Going on a jetpack fly to the stadium. Is that, is that real? Yeah. Sensational. The greatest moment in human civilization. Oh, still no jetpacks. And I'm going to have to immediately take issue with that.

I'm going to go to another opening ceremony from a sporting event held in America and go, Diana Ross misses her penalty to start the USA night for work. She had a one job. I think I was, I mean, Diana Ross was only more reflective of the human condition of inevitable failure rather than a man on a jetpack for a finger to dream that could never be achieved. Two sides of the American dream. LAUGHTER

Um. I mean, the whole concept of the commonwealth is a little bit spicy. It's essentially people that we used to own that were now forcing to hang out with us. And the commonwealth could start to become incredibly important because some of the sort of brexiteers chat is that the Cobbon wealth will look on us sort of favorably for trade deals once we've left the European Union. And that is a bold play.

Right, everyone deserves a second chill of the show. Yeah. I've changed. I was back. I was still loving it. It's not like we used to complicate and trade agreements to own you with the foot. Oh no, that is exactly what happened.

I do apologize. The Wall of Fame The Wall of Fame The Wall of Fame The Wall of Fame try to grievance to own you with the foot. Oh no, that is exactly what happened. I do apologize. Baseball now and head up for the... Oh, I'm worried about this. Head up the new baseball season mission. Are you a ball fan? No, I'm not a ball fan. Right. I've yet to...

To me, it's just posh rounders, Andy. Right. It always just be posh rounders. But I do remember the last baseball section that I was privy to on the view goal. So I am on tenterhooks. Okay. Well, we're looking at some of the hotly tip young stars bubbling under ahead of the new season in the previously undiscovered quadruple A leagues, including one guy. If you're putting your fantasy teams together to look out for this year, Bondzilin Melchenko Flount.

He will be looking to impress at third place for the Baker's Field Baps, after he picked an 125th and final round of the draft. He was, in fact, working as a cleaner and the draft venue when the Baps saw him hit a proffitter role through a window with a broomstick. And thought there's something to work on there. Hurdles McClopton, he, of course, hit 328 in the Supermax Prison League for the Jefferson jailbirds.

He's been parold in the draft of the Fort Lord of the Eleannions. Depeer's Lurch dropped out of the Boston Red Sox roster, after unable to overcome his fear of Green Monsters. He's signed up to swing sticks for the Anchorage Frosticles. Meanwhile, Panquan, Gragic and Egrigio, Sanchez, Dank, they'll both be dong in the dingus for the Minnesota buttocks. They've of course been formed by the recent merger of the two old farmers' baseball league franchises, the Burnsville buttock churners and the Mopal Grove Mattocks.

Well, first, Emma Pleth in the MLB system from the Vatican City, that's Carthage Nilly. She's controversially quit as underbishop of Miami to bash the ash this the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of the first of theish, obviously one of the big names in quadruple is peculiar, hammerdown Jones picked up by the Chezapique Bay Chiefs Gates after impressing with his throwing arm in the USPFL. That's the professional food fighting leave. But we have to wait and see, it's chucking a 95 mile an hour fastball into the strike zone. The same as knocking someone's hat off with a well-aimed potato. Time will tell. One man, Chego, heirassid wheeled, big story in the Dominican Republic. Back with the New York Forks,

hit the headlines last year for pitching with a chicken leg stick and have his mouth whenever a vegetarian hit towards it. And big signing by the Waco Nightmares, the lefty pitcher Keith Olame, Splatterson. Renowned for his fast-slo-ing global. Splatterson, of course, struck out 3,000 in his only season. In the short-lived man versus hedgehog league a couple of years ago, which he, of course, won the coveted Golden Prickle. And, finally, relax, everyone. Latrine Towers, he of the distinctive 1080-degree swivel

as he pitches. He's back after 18 months out, suffering from dizziness and he'll be hurling down the hot stuff for the Tallahassee Blundernuts. So full exclusive coverage of the quadruple A leagues here only on the bugle just signed an exclusive 75 year deal to cover the action. Andy, what? That was your apocalypse now. I tell you what that was. Nice, that was my message that the terrorists will not win. You will never win. It has been a terrible week in London.

Everyone's wondering whether it's going to affect no way. People will carry on, Zoltzwin will bullshit us. Keep carbon bullshit off, keep carbon bullshit on. Fugles. Did you have to put the word, Cummings, and then in there is, so close together? That was not intentional.

I've got to use, the first draft had Coleridge, anyway. If somebody was only half-listing, they certainly weren't by the end of that. Thanks once again to Radio Topia for hosting us do listen to all of their other podcasts, simultaneously an extreme volume. Got a mutual plugging there. And also thanks to the night foundation and mail chimp very much the Fises on the Bugle Mount Rusmork. Could I say that? Nish, thanks for joining us.

I'll see you again in a few weeks. I'm off to Australia, as I may have mentioned. Yeah. So we're having a week off the Bugle next week. There will be a supplementary Bugle episode of classic bits that weren't good enough to get into the relaunch bugles. Oh, two good, two good, sorry, sorry, I'm sorry. Oh, we're talking about stuff that didn't quite make the edit. That is like, how much science has, absolutely, I'm like Bob Dylan, like it's this, the stuff that I don't release is some of the most interesting stuff.

the stuff that I don't release is some of the most interesting stuff. Like prisoners in China. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so week off next week. Then in two weeks, I'll be on Australia, according with Mr. Tom Ballard, a late-disk addition to the Bugle stable. The week after that, I have Alice Fraser and Sammy Sharp. As I said, there's the live Bugles on the 16th and 23rd.

You can buy tickets for those on the internet and lineups to be announced near at the time. Nish, I'll see you in May. Yeah. I'll be back. I'll be doing what I normally do between Bugles and going into a hibernation pod to keep myself satirically sharp.

What you usually do is go somewhere like Mon-Govie, or... Or... and going into a hibernation pod to keep myself satirically sharp. What you usually do is go somewhere like Mon-Gone, or believe me, or what? Well, where are you? Have you got any more? No, I've got no internet access to travel. That show is done and will be on TV fairly soon. But I will let Google as no.

Google is the first to know. And you can also hear you're doing a radio course show. Yes, you can listen to my radio foreshow. The last episode is on Wednesday. It's called Spotlight Tonight. And all four episodes will be available on the BBC iPlay radio. Please listen.

I believe currently our listeners' statistics are exclusively my blood relatives. So give it a listen, Bueglis. Thanks for watching the listening, Bueglis. Until next time, goodbye. Farewell.