The Bugle - Bugle 4050 – Bad Boys

Episode Date: November 18, 2017

Robert Mugabe, Silvio Berlusconi, Leonardo Da Vinci and Jesus of Nazareth – some classic old skool Bugle stars are back in the news and back on the show! They're joined by Louis CK who completes the lineup for what would be the world's douchiest buddy movie.Recorded live at the Leicester Square theatre with Andy, Nish, Alice and Chris telling it like it is, like it isn't and like it maybe never was.We're part of Radiotopia. Those guys are great. We're back on stage in January, follow us on Twitter for more info. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBugelPodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Welcome to TheBugel Life. Welcome to the Lesha Square Theatre.

Here in the beating heart of London's glamorous London area this is the Bugle Life Thursday the 16th of November 2017 later on in today's show we'll be finding out what happens when you try to juggle chainsaws blindfolded Turns out makes a big difference whether or not you haven't switched on and Will also be examining the rights and wrongs of attempting to resuscitate pharaohs from their sarcophaguses just to see the looks on their little beardy faces. And we will also be asking why in general. And once again, we will be bringing you exclusive coverage of everything that's happened on planet Earth, as well as tips on hair, leave it well alone, make up, always make things up, and how to avoid javelins, and the key is don't invade Greece in about 480 BC. So this is doubling

up as bugle 4,050, and we're recording Thursday, 16th of November 2017, very special day for everyone here today in listening home, because the 16th of November, ladies and gentlemen, yw'r yw'r ysgwyrdd yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw 2017. Mae'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r than on a Saturday or Sunday, it's only 57. But of course the rarest of the days to have a 16th November on Tuesday and Thursday, just 56 every 400 years. And yet here we are on this rarest, rarest of all 16th of November's. Today, as of course, all God-fearing subjects of the universe know, is the feast day of ladies and gentlemen! Correct, it isn't you, of Lincoln. I'm slightly surprised you knew that.

Who died on this day in the year? I knew this wasn't going to work. Who died on this day in the year? 1220. 1220? Yeah, you're very, very good. And of course, he was the patron saint of... He was the patron saint. No, no, he wasn't the patron saint of beatboxing trig,

and he was the patron saint of... Sex Dungeons. Sex Dungeons. Not, I don't think that's on his official list one more go. The patron saint of... Swons. Swons, correct. Sex Dungeons. Not, I don't think that's one is official list one more go. The Payton's in Saint-Ove. Swans. Swans, correct, yes, it was the Payton's in Saint-Ove.

Let's have a look at him, Chris. Here he is, there we see Hugh. That is St. Hugh with a cheeky little swan down there. For our viewers watching only with their ears at home, he's got a swan He's got the regulation St. Leigh Fritzby stuck to his head there the St. Golden Fritzby that all saints have So you can tell us St

Or a child with an aggressive sibling and And he's holding as you can see here St. Hugh is holding what can only be described as a cup full of Jesus. That is a... God. A golden goblet with the infant Christ in. What I want to know is, is St. Hugh using Jesus as a fucking cocktail stick? And if so, what the fuck does that tone is cocktail into?

I guess merch is merch. And to mark this historic day, the feast day of St. Hugh of Lincoln, we have a special swans quiz. You have to tell me, ladies and gentlemen, which of the following facts about swans is the least false. Is it fact one? Bagpipes were invented when a Scottish monk in the year 783 AD was caught lustfully French kissing a swan and then hastily pretended he was doing music practice

by squeezing the swan until it cried. Is it fact two? The queen is constitutionally allowed to use a pair of swans as magic shoes to walk across a lake. Is it fact 3? The average length of a swan's neck is 3cm. What we think of as their necks are in fact periscopes with a fake head on. Or is is it fact-force, and Hugh of Lincoln employed an aggressively violent God swan as his bodyguard? The swan would honk at anyone who came near Hugh of Lincoln using phrases such as, Chris. LAUGHTER Got got the translations here, that meant f f*** you buddy. Also this. That means clear off you obvious shit head and uh, uh, swan phrase three.

Oi you non swan schmuck hands off my huey or I'll bequeo in the balls, Kapiche. If you so much as look at him you short neck bastard, I will personally feather honky into the middle of next week. This is Hugher f***ing Lincoln we're talking about. You f***ed. Um. There you go.

Bit of sophisticated swan satire there for you ladies and gentlemen. As always, ladies and gentlemen, section of this audio live newspaper is going straight. I can't hear you, it's going straight. In the what? Correct, in the bin. This week, a pyramid section going straight to not top story Chris is in the ****ing bin mate. Yeah I'm having one or two technical errors over here. Do you just carry on and assume it's all fine?

Yeah good point. Tell it like it is. This week's section has been a special Pyramid's feature section. Now, any archaeology fans in might have seen that they've discovered a big void in the great Pyramid at Giza the last resting place of Pharaoh Kufu, who's got any Kufu fans in! That's a surprise. If you doubled up with a little stint at the British Museum and you come down here for... ...day out of the bull day set.

Right, yeah, it's about time someone put that in his place. I'm sorry, they already did that four and a half thousand years ago. Anyway, they... ...quite literally put it in his place. They discovered a new cavity in the great pyramids. They'd already discovered one previously. It was 47 meters long and 8 meters high. And that's only one explanation for that. Cricket net with a bowling machine. So that's an easy mistake to make as an amateur historian, to project your values onto time's gone by. That's very dangerous into doing.

So what could this new void before archaeologists say? It's probably just a matter of architectural necessity. But that seems unlikely to me. I reckon Man Cave, five TV screens for the dead Pharaoh, beer fridge, pool table, jukebox, pinball machine, somewhere to just chill out for those long stretches when just lying in a dead and a pyramid gets a little bit dull. And in the bin this way you've got a pyramid fat box, Kufu's pyramid also known as chiops, pyramids, the great pyramid of geese also known as the 140 meter high pointy

pimped up coffin. Some facts about that coffin for you, fat one, if the great Pyramid of Geeser had been built upside down, it would have fallen over by now. Kufu's Pyramid held a world record for world-tourless, human-made structure for a cool 3,800 years. Sadly, no, it's now well down the list, and it's not looking good either for getting back on that podium. It's going to have to grow by 700 meters to overtake the Burj Khalifa and the most of pyramid has ever grown in the last thousand years is I'm afraid 600 meters and that was

very briefly. Also in the bin it's a, it's world philosophy day today. Who's, who's done some philosophy today? Yeah, what, what bit of philosophy, Chris,, whos yn ffllossafidau? Iewn i'r ffllossafidau? Iewn i'r ffllossafidau? Iewn i'r ffllossafidau? Where is he? Where is he?

Iewn i'r ffllossafidau? Iewn i'r ffllossafidau? Iewn i'r ffllossafidau? Iewn i'r ffllossafidau? Iewn i'r ffllossafidau? Iewn i'r ffllossafidau? Iewn i'r ffllossafidau? Ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch. Ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgwch, ysgw What is the difference between happiness and contentment? I don't know. What is the difference between happiness and contentment? Well, classic setup. We consider that happiness may be more childish and less sophisticated value,

whereas contentment is more mature and more smudgy. I'm happy with that. Okay. Alright, it's time to meet our guests for today's bugle. Chris already on stage here at the producer who was the all-time universe record for most episodes of the bugle produced. The man who twiddles knobs for a living. That's a Julie Cooper novel as well.

But it's time now to meet our two defendant contestants, top guests. Sorry. Hello. And today is International Day for Tolerance as well as philosophy. But to mark International Tolerance Day, I'm delighted to announce that tonight's guests on tolerating are a woman and a man of Asian descent. You cannot get more tolerant than that, Julie. LAUGHTER Please welcome all the way from the hemisphere that's produced such famous landmasses as Antarctica. Back up to Britain to bring her unique brand

of Australia Buddhist Catholic Jewish wit to and wisdom to the northern half of the planet. It is Alice Fraser! CHEERING CHEERING She must have planned. I'm regretting ever having said anything mean about the flamingos because the bugle audience keeps sending me pictures of flamingos. I'm wishing I'd said something like, oh, I hate cute babies, turtles and tea, and then

I'd get a plethora of the things I like. But, you know, hatred is its own reward. And now to join us, the man who serves the hot peppers of political humour into the chilly concoction of current affairs, the satirically barbacious scott bonnet, the human myself, Miss Kumar! APPLAUSE There you go. Oh! So, for the... Miss, can you just explain for the... For the boys and girls at home exactly what is on this screen? So, for the... Miss, can you just explain for the... For the boys and girls at home exactly what is on this screen right now?

Well, look, let's start... Let's start right here, so... I mean... First of all... Hello, Andy Allison-Kristen, hello Andy Allison Chris and hello bugles. Now let's jump right in here. A couple of weeks ago there was a Wikipedia sort of prang involving the bugle audience of myself where I sort of mentioned that I had some younger cousins who did some serious damage to my Wikipedia page. Unfortunately, what I forgot was that is a red rag

to about 250,000 bulls. Stationed all over the world, who defaced my Wikipedia page, well, beyond recognition. And one of the defacements involved the idea that I had presented a talk show called Nude with Nish where I completely naked interviewed Nigel Farage, presented a talk show called Nude with Nish, where I completely naked interviewed Nigel Farage, Lily Allen and Steve Cougan,

and they rated their anecdotes based on the response of my penis. Now, what's happened here for the benefit of the listeners is that I don't use the phrase inundated lightly, but I have been absolutely inundated with images of myself naked. And one is currently on the screen at the moment. Now, let's put a couple of,

the most important thing to note here is that this is a doctored photo. LAUGHTER Really? Yeah. Listen, that is a doctored photo. But let me just say this, it is a doctored photo, but it is alarmingly accurate. LAUGHTER I don't even know how that is possible.

I don't wish to give away too much of my mistake, but very few people have seen my naked body. So I don't know quite how they've managed that. Yeah, it's very, I mean, it's very concerning. And Nigel Farage is sort of sat on the side for looking at me really as he would do if he was faced with a new Asian man. LAUGHTER Bit of fun, innit?

Also, let me just say this, high level of heckling. I'm standing at the side of the stage. At most comedy gigs, the heckles are things like f*** off your shit, not the distinction between the self and society. That is a very unusual heckle. F***ing-ish. That's f**king me, f**k you! How's the Wikipedia defacement?

Is your page still locked? My page is still locked. Only Wikipedia administrators can get into that. And as I've said that, I realize I should not have said that because The odds of a bugler being a Wikipedia administrator are Let's face it a Statistical inevitability When you're a group of people that hickle with the phrase the distinction between self and society, these are not the jocks of modern life.

One of these, and I do use the word advisable, f***ing f***ing, is going to absolutely get onto my page. But because my pages look, they've now spread it onto your page. Oh, really? And so I've been contacted by a gentleman called David Chica Pacu on Twitter who has alerted me to the fact that they doctored your page so that it said Andy Soltzman once played Queen Elizabeth II at the Royal Variety performance. With Nish Kumar providing vocals on a rendition of my neck, my back.

Kumar also played the Marieva during the show. I mean, I don't remember doing that Andy, but it's possible. It was one I love a night to be fair. It's another classic outing for the chocolate boy and his Jew friend, as I believe. Double act has been referred to. That was a rudge-odd, kippling story, wasn't it? Yeah, it was the working title of the jungle book. Not a lot of people know this. But Ballu is actually Jewish. His full name is Ballu Rabinowitz.

A lot of people don't know that. If you play the bare necessities backwards, it's actually the Torah. I think that's right. The what? Sorry. I'm out of the loop. It's been a while. Right, it's time for our top story, Chris. Top story this week.

And, well, Big Bobby McGarby, the pin-up boy of post-imperial economic mismanagement and 53-time African snappy dresser of the year based on that photo. It's currently enjoying a non-voluntary stacation of spending some quality time with himself under house arrest. Although his house, the official, I don't know if he's in the official presidential residence, but that is of course just around the corner from Harari Sports Club Cricket Ground, where of course in Barbarale Played 177 International matches, including 34 tests. So, what an exciting week for fans of 93-year-old dictators being usurped. Yeah, it's an absolutely huge week for old Bobby Mugs. After 34 years of despotic rule, Pauling hyperinflation and one of the world's truly weird were stashes

Robert Mukabe is Completely f**ked and he is yeah, he's under house arrest Although when they say I keep reading reports to say he's confined to his house by the military and you're like he's 93 years old You don't need the military to do that. You just need a particularly steep set of stairs. It might be, there's been some dispute of a whether or not it is technically a coup or not. The African Union president says it seems like a coup. The military are denying that it's a coup,

and they did so in a broadcast from the state television station that they had taken over. You have to admire the barefaced Kooie balls of that. I guess as the old saying goes, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's probably an ally of Robert McGarby and a duck outfit disguise. Trying to sneak his way to safety past the load of soldiers in a f***ing tank. So, it's not a military takeover of government,

says the military, having taken over. Yeah, it doesn't look great. The root of the conflict in this occasion is that last week, Mugabe sacked Emerson McGangua, his former deputy, who was assumed would take power. And it was widely assumed that this was a way of clearing a path for his 52-year-old wife, Grace, a'r ddodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdodd yn ymdod to say they're fine with it as part of her incredibly lavish lifestyle. And they met in the 1990s, this is an alarming detail that I did not know. They met in the 1990s while Maghabe was married to his wife Sally,

as she suffered from terminal cancer. And just when you think it can't get any worse, it gets worse. Which in many ways is the epithet of Robert Maghabe's time in charge of Zimbabwe. Also terminal cancer. Zing. This is direct quote from McGarby, right? On his courtship of grace whilst he was married to his wife Sally Huwra, let's remember it was dying. It was necessary for me to look for someone and even

as Sally was still going through her last few days, although it might have appeared to some as cruel, I decided to make love to grace. Now just when you think again all right immediately we know Mugabe is a fully class act, right? But this is what he says of Grace. She happened to be one of the nearest. And she was a divorcee herself, and so it was. Oh, boy, that is like listening to a Barry White record. That is so romantic, you just want to f***. At the first dance of my wedding, I don't want love is all around, or every breath you take.

I want to hear a recording of this on a loop for three minutes. So was he the first man to swipe bright in the sense that he swiped his wipe off our death bed? He's quite left or right. I'm slightly out of the loop with this thing. What now? What do you think what's McGarby going to do now? It's hard to get a new career when you lose your job at 93, isn't it?

Or he can retrain in IT. Well, you say that. I mean, he does have some transferable skills. He's an autocratic ruler. He likes to get his own way. He has no morals, grouples. He's unconcerned over the impact of his actions on those lower down the social and economic food chain, and he's done some terrible things in the past. So, yes, heading up a Silicon Valley tech firm that's gonna be his next move, or the next president of America. He's not fit, I mean, he's still officially head of state,

I think, as we speak, if he ceases to be that, but 93, he is currently the oldest serving professional head of state, and if he is fully officially deposed, that title would instead fall to the reigning 66-time United Kingdom non-executive figurehead of the year and still undisputed world constitutional neutrality federation crown-wearing champion from London England and Windsor England and Sandringham England and Valmoral Scotland and anywhere there's a swan or a post-box I think it's Queen Elizabeth the interphatically incredible

those are what the two eyes stand for after her name by the way so that's we'll have a little set we'll have a little sound a foot but hang got to think it was... There we go. Silvio is back. Italy's leading recording artist Silvio Burlescoldi, there he is demonstrating a grip for the out swing. He looks like someone fitted the reanimated corpse of Tutankham and with a set of unconvincing elephant ivory dentures. Just so stretched, so tight.

So malicious. He's like the horrendous STI, the Italian population just can't seem to get rid of. He's the king of sweaty bolsacs, the millenies, Maverick, the Don Juan of Milan, the Italian rap scallion, the Duke of Dick, the Guido del libido. He's like one of those egg dolls that's heavy at the bottom and when you push it it just comes back,

not just because he's weirdly spherical but because he's really bottom heavy with an uncanny load of bullshit. He's recovered from criminal and civil convictions as well as open heart surgery, which is both the only time his heart's been open and was the only remaining part of his body that hadn't been cosmetically enhanced. There is a man who's had a cosmetic scrotoel lift if

I've ever seen one. Which I haven't. He's just, he's indestructible here at a four-year sentence for fraud. It was commuted to one year of unpaid community service, which I assume he served in judging underage beauty pageants at local shopping malls as an unpaid breast inspector. The reason they didn't send him to jail is because he's over 70, which is a generously low estimate

of the age of someone who's clearly the embodiment of an ancient archetypal asshole. It's the comeback. Nobody wanted to clean off their bedsheets. Family show, Alice, family show. It is a bit like all of the sexual misdemeanors that have been in the news were almost a challenge to him. He read about Weinstein and he was like, not on my watch, son. Just getting the team back together for the long one last shot of the big time. By the team I mean his willy on his balls.

His controversies have their own Wikipedia page. But he is that much of a shit that his misbehavior is its own online entity. He's, I think, at Belskone is to Trump, what Mussolini was to Hitler, just like a thin film of skin and hair over like particle board mannequins made of crystallized human sweat and regret dreams. LAUGHTER I mean, I couldn't, yeah, I couldn't put it better myself.

LAUGHTER One of his former ministers had said that he's sort of in his time away from the live light, he's mellowed. But then he came out and gave a speech, and this is a direct quote from one of the reporters at the scene, addressing the topic of immigration. The 81-year-old proudly recounted the time his good friend, Moon Margadafi, took him on a tour of a migrant centre,

during which Berlusconi noted the absence of bidets in the lavatory. When the late Libyan dictator asked what the bidet was used for, Berlusconi emphasized the importance of washing before oral sex. The billionaire's punchline, I taught the Africans about four play, had its desired effect during

laughter and applause. Now, I have a lot of questions here. Firstly, to Silvio Berlusconi consider washing to be four-play. Because that is not okay. And secondly, that is not what a B-day is for. You can't, it's difficult to turn, like, become sectionally around, we're going, hold on one second, I'm just going to wash myself in something people used to clean, shit off their ass. And also, it manages to be sexist, racist, offensive, there was a name drop for one of the other worst people of all time. But this was perfect, Silvio, this was like if Elvis and Open is 68, come back, Special, whilst playing Houndog in a player of Bruce Wayne Shoes at the same time.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Outs News Time now, and well fans of the world's Outs Transfer Market have had a sensational week. Has anyone here bought a piece of art for £400 million? Yeah, he was. It's been a great week for that. The Leonardo da Vinci smashed the world records. So there's another classic team up between Leonardo da Vinci and Jesus,

one of his top models. And as you can see, holding a bubble, I don't know what, a bit of glass, is that a crystal ball? It's a metaphor for the art world. Right. Oh, as you can see, that was received with more controversy than I'd anticipated, Chris. I didn't realise the bugle had a huge Sotheby's contingent. Jesus, the good-looking young European white man that he was, as we all know, he is demonstrating a grip for the off-cut of the Othcutter,

holding the icing on her head. Fingers down the side of the scene. There we go, for those knots not in the room tonight. Chris has superimposed the head of the 1990s, early 2000s Australian fast-bowler Jason Gillespie for those not in the room tonight. Chris has superimposed the head of the 1990s, early 2000s Australian fast-bowler Jason Gillespie on the head of Christ. So, which I believe means you're getting

at least two thirds of an eternity in hell. Oh, see you there. There's other alternative interpretations. Some people that think that, as you know, these paintings were painted over. It was Jesus smoking a jitan in an advert. It was a good cricket actually, Jesus. Took, was he?

Yeah, it was. He took five for 17 for the Bethlehem Blasters again. Yeah. The Jericho Snout in 1980. Rookie of the Year in the Holy Land Super League, that year of course, before quitting cricket, to concentrate on massiring magic tricks, home brewing and endurance donkey racing. It's such a shame Israeli cricket has really fallen off since then.

Or it could be Jesus casually flicking a V at a Roman police minute, accusing me of messing with that a license. And $450 million this went for, including fees. My worry though, is that is this kind of transfer fee, pricing ordinary people, ordinary families and kids out of buying the works of old masters? I mean, it's usually something you do on a Saturday afternoon, wouldn't it? You go with your parents, knit down the local auction house,

and buy a mousatio or something. And still have changed for a few points with the kids at the pub on the way home. Today's young art fans are just going to go up, supporting their watch art documentaries on Telly, rather than actually going out there and buying. Absolutely disgusting. What happened to English art?

What happened to our supporting young English artists instead of importing this foreign nonsense over? Absolutely disgraceful. I didn't realise that it was 400 million. That does mean this painting is technically worth four NAMAS. Four, two NAMAS. Wasn't it 200 million? Was NAMAS 200 million? It was? Yeah.

Don't bring lies to this show. LAUGHTER You're not just a fraction. And also, if anything, go higher, not lower, for fact. Have I taught you nothing? It was a truly historic auction. The auctioneer accepted. He paused just before making the

enunciation of the final bid. What? Was that a f***ing pun? Jesus, I mean that guy, I am disgusted. I did not know that puns were an airborne contagion. Apparently one of the other men in the room kept bidding to rent the painting and complaining that he wasn't allowed to rent the painting, but he was just a Mona Lisa. Oh, what the actual f***ing shit is going on here? What the f*** is going on? One of the other attendees was just a floating orb sent by a wizard to take a look at the painting until a rival wizard turned it into a snake. It was the adoration of the mage eye. A f***!

And following the... This is worse than the Passion of the Christ. What you are doing to Jesus now is worse than what Mel Gibson did to him in that film. He was guilty though, let's not forget. Never forget. I always forget you were a creative consultant on that movie. I imagine it was quite a tricky working relationship between you and Mel Gibson. Oh, this f**king mo- yeah! Following the sale of the Da Vinci other items were auctioned including a tablet of ecstasy

allegedly the final piece of a collection of drugs owned by Liberati before his death. It was the last alpha. I'm not sorry! I'm not!, I'm not. Have you finished? Oh, that was a bit of an uppity time for you, all fucking people to take salesman. Have we been here? That's like Obi-Wan admonishing Luke for using his lightsaber indoors.

Not clear who the bio was, at 340 million quid. A bugle sadly had to drop out of the bidding when it went over. When it topped the 200 million mark, it was either that or a nuclear deterrent, and I know which way I'm going on that. But you also worry that agents of some other big paintings are going to start agitating for transports now. Rumor is the Mona Lisa is getting unsettled at the Louvre. Well, here in London, France houses the L'Arphine Cavalier, is reportedly phoning it in at the Wallis collection.

And it does look inevitable. They can't stop and getting his dream move to the Prado Museum in Real Madrid. And, well, Canova's three graces, the celebrity sculpture, works so well as a team, but that now market force is going to drive that apart. Looks like Euphrozeny is joining a big money Chinese gallery whilst Aglea is off to the Met in New York City to try and crack it on the major league sculpture circuit. And failure is contemplating retiring

to become a TV art pundit. So I'm just pointing for me the three graces. So you're where are the three graces of sculpture? Didn't really capture the sporting essence of any of the three cricket playing brothers WG EM and GF grace who of course made their debut for England the same match in 1880 they are Yeah, definitely definitely lack to the beard What about the chapter again? I What about the chapel brothers? Again, I cannot emphasize how f***ing weird these haircuts are.

Listen, I understand that in context, this all makes sense, but you have to understand this is a decade of performing. Many gigs in this room and I'm not used to people shouting out what about the chapel brothers? In a men-behaving badly news, famous and beloved comedian, Louis C. K. has been outed by a number of women for abusing his power in the latest series of scandals about men in power abusing their power, which reminds me of last Thursday and also every single day in history before that. Look, it was a different time which is to say before he got in trouble and the thing to remember is that there are now literally millions of men literally shitting their pants and regretting every time they

ever pushed it. And I want to just put a message out there to all the people who are who I've seen on the internet who are like, no, we're not meant to hit on women anymore. When the human race die out, I say, look, if you can't get a woman to breed with you unless you look down her top or aggressively jerk off in front of her while you stand between her and the door, you're sperm deserves to die in the pot plant. You've spunked it into. And unless you have mutant genes that have the capacity to spawn a race of half human half shrubs, you belong at the end of your family tree. Get some game comedy mates, you're funny, powerful and can string a sentence together. Here is a fun game to play.

Next time you feel like showing your penis to a relative stranger, don't. Also, if you are planning on apologising for any misdemeanors, a handy hint always include the word sorry. LAUGHTER It really sells the apology element and try not to mention how often people admire you. LAUGHTER It's also slightly odd to me that a stand-up comedian felt the need.

Well, I've basically felt that doing stand-up comedy was not self-indulgent enough. Yeah, I feel like that. Every night of the week you get to jerk off in the strangest. That's too bird news now, and cockatoo's have eaten the internet. Also in Australia, I don't know if there's some kind of, there we go, it's a cockatoo chewing a cable. I've been chewing through internet cables. Yeah, the NBN, which is the National Broadband Network, it's a multi-billion dollar, three billion dollar internet infrastructure project,

and it's being eaten by cockatoo's. They're just, yeah. Can't handle progress. Well, I know, maybe they have a taste for internet trolling. As an Australian, I speak with authority cockatoo's, like ladies out on a hen's night, are very pretty, smug, louder than you'd expect, and true the shit out of the edges of your house.

Gazella, Kaplan, a professor in animal behavior at the University of New England told the Guardian it was unusual for cockatooes to target cable, which would be useful information if it wasn't contradicted by the fact. I don't know whether it's the tang of online trolling, the sweet, sweet flavour of YouTube make up influencers pouring down the pipes. These cockatooes have discriminating palette for the information superhighway. Experts were warned that if they continue to chew into the NBN cables they'll eventually develop into an avian super race with a taste for calling people cucks and suddenly springing pornographic pop-up ads into your work emails.

You naive fools. You all think that this is a bur- those birds are under the employ of the Russian government. There is no way- we get- well hold on one of those cockatooes, it's going to mysteriously turn out to be called Vladimir and Hale from St. Petersburg. In other bird news, there's a- for any bugleers in the Channel Islands, beware, there is a terrorist seagull that has been attacking people. Oh, now that was my wrestling name. The terrorist seagull.

There has been a seagull attacking people in the Channel Islands, not yet clear exactly what cause the Seagull is fighting for. Maybe something to do with EU fishing quotas or Seagull in French-Eismans or tax-aise, they do a lot of their business offshore, of course. It could be maybe some bizarre arcane extremist Seagull interpretation of the Bible. We just don't know. We just, um, please have described the terror goal,

which has a silent pee on the beginning, um, taking a track of this. Please have described this as winged and dangerous. And it's interesting, actually, that this terror is seagull. Donald Trump has been eerily, eerily quiet on the subject of a terror is seagull. Sad. If that bird, if that had been a bird with brown or black feathers,

he'd have been all over it. He'd have been telling us we need to send all the fesons back to fesentist yarn. LAUGHTER And, well, part of this, this bugle, birth section, we can cross over now to join our live... LAUGHTER ..our...

LAUGHTER ..we can cross over now to join our live partner, Our live... Um... LAUGHTER Our... Er... We can cross over now to join our live partner, Er, Bird podcast for this special Bird section. Hello everyone, I am Heron M. Sclinock and welcome to What If Jane Austin had been a puffing. The latest in the series of the British Literary Review podcast. Examining what great authors would be like had they been a specific species of bird. In previous episodes we came to the conclusions that Fyodor Dostoyevsky had he been an albatross would probably have eaten a quite considerable quantity of fish. Whilst if Miguel de Therventantes had been a fesent,

he would likely have been shot for sport before pecking out even a single of his literary masterpieces. To discuss Austin as Puffin, I am joined by Clifford Marinette from the British Puffin Association and Professor Julietta Snazemark author of of course of J. Nostin novelist woman acrobat spy. Clifford, if I may start with you, Austin was of course seldom renowned for her brightly coloured beak. Oh that's quite right, you're on him. But... Now Andy, when you said we were short of time. Yeah. So. Well, um, yeah, we are quite short of time. But interestingly, a lot of famous singers own birds, own birds from the... Oh!

...Birds from the... ...God! ...from the bird order. Alice, I don't know why I will take issue with you looking upset at this point You are an enabler and a participant You just encourages him yeah a lot of famous thing is apparently oh, yeah You look me in the eyes as you did that and it was f***ing horrendous. There was one I liked it. I saw your soul.

There was one of these birds. It was jointly owned by two famous singers with the same surname. Jovis from the Britpop band Pulp and the 60s Soul Blues singer, Jo, the cocker too. Oh, no. A friend of mine had a, he used to keep all of his, his parents in his, in his vehicle, was a bit of a weird vehicle, it was black and white. Painting black and white in the pattern of a large woodland creature.

He called it his badgery car. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I just did a little insight into this. Just before we came on stage, and he said to me, oh, it's a badgerer rodent. And I was like, the level of fact checking that goes into this bullshit.

I mean, he lost his keys. He was looking for a big pile of keys. And he said, oh, these mine now. Yeah! I couldn't find them. He was so annoyed. African great. The African great, African Inau'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, And I've not gone down the obvious route on either one. I hope you admire that, you've watched. APPLAUSE Wow, that, I mean, that is one of... That was like a hostile round of applause. I never thought I would hear a round of applause laced with so much malice.

Again. Uh, be... Be quiet. No, right, sir. Right, well, we have run spectacularly over time. Thank you, let us wait for theatre for having us. Please show appreciation for everyone you've seen tonight. You've been Krista Producer.

Woo! You've seen... The Thinking Man's Naked Man, Nisquima. An Alice Fraser. Until next time, goodbye. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Andrew Zoltzmann. Stuck the landing. There you go, the prime cuts of Thursday's live show.

Whilst I've got you, could I politely entreat you to listen to my new BBC Radio 4 show, entitled My Life as I, dot dot dot, in which I explore and attempt to live by the teachings of three leading branches of ancient philosophy, starting this week with Stoicism, the show features some genuinely fascinating interviews with people who know far far more about philosophy and indeed life than I do. If you look up a BBC Radio 4 and EZ the results and my life as a, then you should find the program page where you can listen.

Also available next Thursday, the first episode of the Irn believable Ashes. That's my new cricket podcast covering the imminent, very, very imminent, excitingly imminent, Australia, the England Test Match Series co-hosted by the excellent Australian comedian Felicity Ward and produced by Tom Wright, ex-Bugal producer from the early days for ABC radio. That's the unbelievable ashes. First episode available on Thursday. If you enjoyed this week's live Bugal Excerpts, why not come to the next live Bugal shows also at the Leicester Square Theatre on the 18th of January and the 22nd of February details on the internet and whilst you're at it, why don't you build up to that? By also coming to see my show at London Soho Theatre, that's Andy Zoltzman's 2017 The Certifiable History.

It runs on the 18th of December to the 6th of January with the odd day off here and there for things like eating a lot of turkey with my family. It's the second instalment of my exclusive year by year chronicle of this planet and is frankly the greatest Christmas present you can possibly get for yourself, your family, your friends, your enemies, your bodyguards, your pets, your knitting coach, your monocon, even your spouse and or spouses are not judging you. Go to the Soho Theatre website for details. I can guarantee it will be better than sitting at home staring into a bucket of cabbages. That is an absolute Zoltman guarantee. No further demands, Bughlers, you are now free to go about your business, and don't forget

to tell everyone you know to listen to the Bughal, or there will be hell to pay. Thank you for listening, Bughlers. Until next time, goodbye. And Zoltman, live at Soho Theatre, 18th of December to 6th of January. Don't miss it, Until next time, goodbye. you