The Bugle - Bugle 4057 – Britain in Crisis (Live!)

Episode Date: January 20, 2018

Andy is joined by Alice Fraser and Bugle debutant Mark Steel to look at the UK in crisis. Plus, feature section: things people put up their butts in 2017!Show recorded on 18th January at Leicester Square Theatre (before the USA closed for business).With@HelloBuglers@Aliterative@MrMarkSteel@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Oh, there it is, the theme tune. And that is now the official start of the show. Hello, Buglers.

And welcome to the glamorous London area of London. For the Bugle Live, please now welcome to the stage stage the all-time world record holder. For most false claims to hold all-time world records, it's the balthasar of Bultjit and the Truthmanglers Zoltzmim! Hello, viewers! Welcome to the Buebel Life, how are you all? Good, I do hope you're more specific than that when you see the Doctor. How are you feeling? Who? So welcome to the new July. This is doubling up as issue 4,000 and 57 of the world's leading, longest running, most

trustworthy, most unremittingly factual and only audio newspaper for a visual world. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Andy Zoltzmann. I'm 43. I like meal time sports and not being dead. And we are here in London on the 18th of January 2018, the 18th of January, of course, this makes it exactly.

532 years to the day since the 18th of January, 1486. Which was, of course, royal wedding day and well a sensational day. There we go. Henry VII, that's him shortly after treating Richard III like a giant pin cushion and winning the Wars of the Roses before burying Tricky Dickie under a car park in Lester. And that is him with his new lady wife for this day 532 years ago Elizabeth of York and we take a look back now at what the newspapers that day were saying about the big royal wedding headline such as what is Elizabeth of York wearing today? What was Elizabeth of York wearing yesterday? What might

Elizabeth of York be wearing tomorrow? How to do your hair like Elizabeth of York? How Elizabeth of York became a style icon? Fashion tips for how to make your gable hood. That's the pointy little hat there. Thank you, Wikipedia. Affordable high street versions, for just three grotes using only a dead goat and a bit of fence. Plus, how to avoid plague, localism of York, how not to die in childhood, localism of York, and Elizabeth of York, how an ordinary princess from Yorkshire grew up to become a pawn in a high-stakes political power

game bringing an end to two and a half decades of brutal medieval, internet-signed warfare. So I'm not sure our press has particularly moved on. In the meantime, when it comes to royal coverage, as always, some sections of the bugle are going straight! In the mid! Oh, Lordy. I will never, ever get tired of that.

So, in the bin this week, well, as you may have seen, the Bayer tapestry is coming to Britain, here it is, here's some of the classic highlights there. And it's going to the, here it is, here's some of the classic highlights there. And it's going to the British Museum apparently, which means that it's not going back. When something goes to the British Museum, one tapestry enters, no tapestries leave. Of course, we have a special feature section on the bear tapestry in the bin this week.

Looking at what the bear tapestry was for, no one knows what it was originally for. There's some historians think it was a picnic rug made for a very, very large family who liked having picnics while sitting side-by-side looking out over a cliff. Another theory is that it was in fact at 68 meters long and kind of that kind of width. It was in fact the cover for three cricket pitches.

Another theory is that it was a decorative sorry for William the Conqueror's young daughter. He ordered a 68 centimeter waste, but due to a misprint on the order form, it came in at 68 meters causing her considerable body image issues for the rest of her life. The Bayer Tapestry well for Skeptics amongst you, the Bayer Traverse team were like 68 metres of Euro Trash Triumphullis Badly-Sown propaganda, plus occasionally a man with his plonker out, about how the French basically cheated at Hastings. We weren't ready. We'd thought,

we'd thought, I'm fucking Viking two weeks before that. And King Harold was of course killed by a French archer who was clearly in an off-side position when the arrow was fired. Ref, how could you not see that? Possibly because the ref had also been shot in the eye with an arrow, we'll never know. A lot of violence in the, as you can see here, a lot of violence on one night taking a dive there by the looks at not a lot of contacts.

Also some huge amounts of violence and occasional bits of gratuitous nudity. It's almost like this tap as he was, in fact fact commissioned by a 21st century TV commissioner. We said, yeah, all this history shit is very interesting and all that. Well, let's have a bit more sex and a f*** of a lot more death. Also, should we be taking this tapestry? There are only three women depicted in the entire 68 metre length of tapestry. And I should we accept, in this day and age, this patriarchal overgrown handkerchief, until it is more gender diverse? I mean, it's not the 11th century anymore, people. So not until Brexit goes through it anyway.

I don't know what we're going to do. I don't know. We'll add a couple more panels to it showing Bertie Brottles, whose boss, with Nigel Farage pulling the arrow out of King Harold Dine throwing it back. My great concern with the bear tapestry is, well, is what obviously is like the Trojan horse all over again. As the old saying goes, I fear the Greeks, especially when they're bearing gifts, and even more especially when they're French. And clearly, you look at this,

there's going to be a load of French soldiers stitched into that, aren't they? And there's going to burst out in the middle of the night and ran sack London. Well, that will be in the British Museum, so more like they just get distracted by some really interesting Sumerian pottery. And it's a two-way process, of course. In return, Britain is set to lend to France as a gesture of gratitude. The skeleton of a dead horse, like for like, Napoleon's favorite horse, Morengo, which is French for main course. And it's a little bit of casual culinary racism there.

And now it is time to introduce our two guests for this evening's bugle, in order of southernmost hemisphere of origin first. Firstly, from Australia, it's Alice Fraser! Yes! Hello, Andy, hello Chris, hello, bugles! Hello, Alice. How are you?

Well, thanks. Oh, yeah, that is for those of you listening at home. That is Alice's name. Will I shitload a flamingo? Oh, yeah. And this is even worse. Did you guys come in earlier today? I had to run a gauntlet of illuminated flamingo light installation.

Art puppets, which were arrayed outside the doors of this venue. And what I can only consider a deeply personal and deliberate insult. I think of it as a hate crime, frankly. Despite my repeated assertions that I believe the valorization of the flamingo to be a both a display of bad taste and boring thoughtless self-indulgent hipsterism and a Barbie-based color preference based on the relatively recent historical attribution of pinkness with qualities like femininity childhood

and magic that borders on bird racism. Ha! Ha! Like when you put the purely pink-based preference for these birds, next to the reality that they are claw-footed monsters which suck them out of steel babies and fly like a clumsy, teradactyl housewife wearing a cheap feather boa from Anne Summers.

Take that, flamingos. The flamingos just been birded by Alice Fraser, for those of you who are. I was assumed that all flamingos were girls and that parents were the boys, the blue ones. What do you want to do? Gender essentialism Andy. And now from the Northern Hemisphere, on the Bugle for the first time, one of the finest comedians in Britain, please give it up for Mark Steele! APPLAUSE Hello Mark.

No animals for me? No animal, well no, are there any animals you've got a particular personal beef with? Like Alice has with the f***ing clubingo. Oh no you can't be nasty about animals now, can you? Right, Attenborough's fault, isn't it? Yeah, f***ing terrible. Hey f***ing rabbits, but you can't say that. They don't like it much either when you...

Family show, Alice. Family show. Different generation. but family show, Alice. Family show. Different generation. Ha ha ha. The bio-tap is you there. See, all of that something you talk about there. It reminds me of how I was taught history and how wrong it is because the first thing, or any of us, it's not the antiracian,

what you know, the first thing ever about history, when was the Battle of Hastings? The first thing is when you get to school, Ys gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gydwch yw'n gyd the date, isn't it? All the fascinating things. I don't know if I thought, Joe, well, I've been even five years afterwards people couldn't remember, couldn't I? I bet there we go. I bet in 1071 they're going, oh, it can't have been five years ago. Oh, no, it was 1068 when Ken got letpracy, it must be. That's just shit weight a teacher. I think if you talk to an amazing story like, oh, I've been out in Australia or I went swimming, there was a shark, I presume that usually is. Oh yeah. Yeah, but when was it?

Was it August the 9th when you're not talking about 14? So if I'm following you correctly, your assertion here is that we should take dates out of history. No. No, that is what I said. I said it is not the most important thing. So right, it's time now, Chris, for Top Story this week. And the Top Story this week, if you thought 1066 was bad, welcome to 2018. Britain is in crisis,

particularly the NHS, which we've struggled with generally in this country. Who here likes the idea of not dying of the first significant illness they get? Give us a cheer. There we see the root of the problem. That means the NHS is more expensive than it was when people just accepted the death of an illness that God gave them. But now we want to live as long as possible. And that's confusing the system. Yeah, exactly. So my personal view is that, you know, to get it,

we need a three strikes in your out system. You're allowed three, three goes on the NHS. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you'll see people will not waste their GP's time with a f**king sniffing. Yeah, we're not good. Well, I'm even a little heart attack, because it'd be a bit like the review system, wouldn't it?

Yeah, say to me, Jesus. You've got three goes, so you've got always only a little heart attack, I don't want to waste one. Tell me, save us a lot of money. Jeremy Hunt there, he is talented, I believe. I think of the, I mean a lot of them in the current cabinet aren't. That is an immense talent he's got, because to make that many doctors and nurses that angry. I mean these are people who spend their entire professional adult lives just being calm under the most extreme circumstances.

They're trained for years to go, okay, yes, it does feel quite a bad wound but we will. Dress it out, worry Mr Sinkins, we're looking, minutes to the nurse, we're looking to the minister, it's going to be fine. OK, we're going to pull through. If we could just go, and he's got those people going, yo f***** bastard! Come here, I'll f**king smack you ready, you f*****! LAUGHTER

I'll f**king have ya! I'll f**king have ya! LAUGHTER I do apologize. It's very unprofessional. Plead in, it's like a plead in. That is a talent, isn't it? People in the whole, they're proficient, he's known as angels,

and he's got them hated, that's genius, isn't it? A lot of people say Jeremy Hunter has no qualifications for being held sex drink. That's untrue, I've done some research into the man. He has some very relevant qualifications. One, he used to run a business exporting Marmalade to Japan. What more do you f***ers want? Two, he wants to write a book calling for the abolition of the NHS. Maybe not. And three, he wants to force a stethoscope from a charity shop because he thought it was a shower

fitting. There they go. LAUGHTER And I think on the BBC has claimed that the NHS is quote, hemorrhaging nurses, according to figures that show one in ten nurses, are now leaving the NHS in England each year. Then hemorrhaging, I like that choice of words, leaking away the number of people who can spell and correctly define the word hemorrhaging. Like, blood out of an open metaphor. LAUGHTER and correctly define the word hemorrhaging, like blood out of an open metaphor.

Think as a showing one in 10 nurses are leaving England each year in what could be called a decimation if they hadn't redefined the word decimation. I mean, if you use the word decimation, you could save up the term hemorrhaging for the sick people who are now hemorrhaging internal fluids with increasingly inadequate assistance to a now decimated nursing staff.

I'm just lovely little whistic there, Alice. I can't, I mean why is it that nurses are leaving to health service? I mean it's almost as if the attractive package of having to work brutally long hours for a f*** all money, much of which you spend wiping the art as of nearly dead people was being used as a political football and routinely undervalued by politics and society isn't attracting youngsters. No. I don't know why that is.

No, they're living in huge numbers. For reasons ranging from them being foreign and you know Brexit, to them getting better paid jobs in other parts of the medical sector or in other countries, to the fact that if you want people to behave like selfless heroes cleaning up other people's literal shit you don't also want to be metaphorically shitting on them via bad pay and policy. There is only so much shit a person can take. That was a dolly part in song, was it? It's your favourite. So, also in Britain falling apart news, Carillion, everyone's favourite construction company.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Thanks. That's going to make no sense to people listening at home, Chris. That's their problem. These guys, they got it. Just in the edit, put that laugh after one of my jokes. no sense to people listening at home, Chris. That's their problem. These guys, they got it. LAUGHTER Just in the edit, put that laugh after one of my jokes. LAUGHTER The second biggest construction firm in Britain

has gone more belly up than Luciano Pavarotti swimming backstroke. Boom. Uh, put the A into liquidation. LAUGHTER And turns out that they have been spending way too much money on projects and InterMCEO said we were building a Rolls Royce but only getting paid to build a mini. Now I am not an economist, Mark, but that seems in layman's terms unbelievably yn y Lleuminus, yn ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n ymlybeth sy'n gweithio'r llwy, ac yn ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n ddyn nhw'n d oil and gas sector, local governments, financial services, and they clear snow off the roads in Canada. Now, I know a thing or two about multitasking.

I can simultaneously look up a cricket statistic and think about looking up another cricket statistic. That is why it seems like they probably needed to learn to say, no, no, the snow can stay in Canada. We've got to... Well, yeah, I mean, because the sort of company that's going to lose a billion and a half quid, ymdwch yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn cyflwyth yn Mae'n gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r

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gweithio'r gweithio'r We're generally a bit behind schedule and we deliver. I actually did literally deliver my own child in my own bar. That was a value. We talked a little bit about Toby Young on the Bugle last week. Everyone's favourite pillar of the nation. Now Mark, you have had a bit of a... Well, clash of the British that he deleted, that were saying things like, look at the tips on that, great tips on that, she's got great tips for an 18-year-old and things like that. And then, but this is why it's gone too far now. If you can't say 46,000 things about tips that you later regret publicly on Twitter,

you can't say anything anymore. PC gone mad. Yeah, so it is. So I feel for the conservatives, because then it is always the people you least expect that turn out to be slightly sick. So one of the things he wrote, he wrote an article, that's just sort of thing when they're saying,

but well, all right, some of these things that, one of the articles he wrote, he wrote an article. That's just sort of thing when they're saying, but I won't all write some of these things that one of the articles he wrote was about the nuisance of wheelchair ramps in school. Like that, you've got to admire somebody, get your anger, look, the bloody wheelchair people, have got a ramp that you can get down. Oh, what about the silent majority who've managed to learn to walk?

We don't need a ramp. We might prefer a step. I know we can go down the ramp as we're, but what if I prefer a step? I don't know, there is still a step, but it's right the way over there. Why should I have to walk over there for a step, just so this f**king wheelie f**king get down a ramp? We could have edited that to make Mark look really bad. Then he'd actually be like, Mark, at last you've seen the light. So about a year ago, there's a film that I've just seen, I'd done your Blaker, and about a bloke you get,

it was at a heart attack and he tries to get disability benefit and he can't, it's all disastrous. And then Toby Young wrote this big article about it saying that for me he said, although I don't, he said, although I don't know anybody who's tried to claim disability benefit, for me the film is nonsense because the things that happen in it just don't ring true. That was his phrase, I thought, I thought that's a marvelous attitude to have, to be able to write in newspapers that something that has been the result of years of research and hundreds of people looking into it.

Yeah, but it doesn't ring true for me. So therefore, what you have said is bollocks. And I thought, I thought, well that would be a really good sort of weekly television chat show that he should have to be young, where he could interview people, it could be Toby who doesn't ring true, he could have, he could have Ellen MacArthur on there and tell us she's talking shit about sailing around the world because although you've done it, I thought about it once while I was having a shave so it just doesn't ring true and he could

have like, he could, he could tell Raheem Sterling and Storms, he would like to be black in modern Britain. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Er, he could have Stephen Orkin on there and say, oh, you don't know, I, I, I, doesn't ring to any of your shit, I know what it's like to spend all the time looking at stars and then he could moan at him for saying that,

look, now we've got to build a ramp for the f***ing so you can get in there. LAUGHTER And, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, Iwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r regimes that have killed 110 million people. And I was fascinated, and now I thought to be picky, I'm going to be picky here and ask how we came to that conclusion. Because I know you can easily brush it off if it was just 105 million. But that is that crucial tipping point. It's around about 107 more.

No, and I said to him, look, I don't think it would be rude. But, you know, can you have any, if you've got anything to back this up at all? Because I'm a bit touchy about not even that, jeep of that even leaves genocide in its way, doesn't it? So, I thought, I can we just say anything? Can I say, well, you should never be on the BBC, because you support invasions by the Daleks. Can we just make up whatever shit you like? That's wise, that's wise, so worried about the ramps, clearly. LAUGHTER Yeah, there's no topping, no? Is there less?

It ruined everything! Who put these here? So, I mean, maybe it's including people who died of old age in the world. I don't know, but I did ask. I mean, he has not got back to me yet, but maybe he's writing down all their individual names. I don't like Joseph Stalin. I'm just going to lay that out there. The bugle does not endorse Stalinist politics. If I had to choose between going on a dinner date with Joseph Stalin or not going on a dinner date with Joseph Stalin, I would choose the dinner date, but only because I, I like food, be, I'd probably get a decent 10

minute stand-up routine out of it. See, I know Stalin reacts badly to rejection. I really want to see my family again. D, because I want some explanations for that crazy shit he did. I reckon if I loosen him up with a couple of bottles of wine, it all might all come flooding out, probably something to do with his mother not loving him. And also, above all, E, I want to see how he reacted when I ordered the most expensive bottle of fizzy French wine on the menu, I amw'r If there was that loose with facts, that you could just shout whatever you like, and it doesn't matter and score, because it would liberate you in a way.

They could cite to each things like a fridgey's a type of air, a plane, and the second world war started, because Hitler wanted to marry Dane Judy, Dane, she wouldn't let him. But you could just, you could be restricted from all this bollocks where you have to say things that have got some vague connection with the truth.

And that's what faith schools are for, isn't it? Exactly. some vague connection with the truth. That's what faith schools are for, isn't it? LAUGHTER Exactly. I'm already going to burn in hell. You cannot add to eternity. MUSIC In human ingenuity news now, since the dawn of time man's insatiable curiosity and desire for exploration has driven human technology, but also mainly sex. From fire which derived from people rubbing two dry penises together until...

Until they got too dark to see what they were doing and they had to invent fire. That is why the Bible came down so hard on homosexuality. It's basic health and safety, it's like not eating shellfish. To the wheel, to weapons, fashion and literature. We have been motivated by the desire mainly to put our bits and things in have other things put into us. One of my annual favorite rituals apart from watching the strong man competition and explaining the relationship between Buddhist philosophy and capitalist consumerism at Christmas is the worst Santa Claus in the world. I am. I love to read the annual Roundup of Human Home Science

and Intrepid Ingenuity, known as, what doctors and nurses got out of people's butts this year. It's a list whose origins have been lost in the mists of time since the first caveman looks peculatively at a phallic vegetable and thought, oh, why not? This year, among a cascade of exciting instruments at a phallic vegetable and thought, oh, why not? LAUGHTER This year, among a cascade of exciting instruments

of self-exploration, I have extracted with great effort a few. My favorite among the selected year of 2017 are two red apples. For the person who wants to get creative about their five a day. LAUGHTER Sorry, whole apples. Whole apples.

Not just a core. Red apples, not even peeled. I think they've taken some sort of guidelines about five or in completely the wrong direction. Another favourite of mine is a 19-centimeter long eggplant. For somebody who has watched too much Japanese pornography, oil takes suggestive emoji too literally. A powered up and vibrating mobile phone. Which could be a sexual thing or it could just be that your partner has gotten sick of

you being constantly on your social media and decided to make good on some graphic threats in the middle of date night dinner pair of house keys That's that always in the last place you look Because there is all Thanks for stepping on my punchline Andy Because there is always more than one way to unlock a man's heart and a pair of barbeque tongues which were sent in by the experimenter in order to receive an earlier attempted insertion. So they're not sending it to get them, it could be like the old woman who swallowed a fly,

couldn't it? Exactly. Well, they keep saying... The army up there now. They take all the fun out of fairy tales these days. Honourable mentions go to a cat food can, three double-a batteries, two triple-a batteries and a D battery. And one into the penis of a coaxial cable. That's And that is this year in Up the Bad. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Is that kind of stuff that makes you such a good like for like replacement for John Oliver?

That's bullshit. Right, tons. Tons! Oh, God, there's probably someone in here going, go off, I've only ever put tinous sawdems and spinpoms up there on quite conservative. I mean, the surprising thing mainly is how many of them believe that doctors and nurses will believe just I accidentally sat down suddenly as an excuse. Oh, was having a barbecue up me off.

We should, how we do for time, Chris? We're not like in the worst state we've ever been in, OK, but... We need to move on to the sports section now. I mean, it's not classic puns on the fact that it's for the off. Well, let's start with the Australian open tennis. Players have been once again struggling in the heat, brutal heat in Melbourne. They're used to it, mate. Right.

It's coming for you. That was the future. The world number 83, Necromancy, a planchez millib of tennis whaler, retired with heat stroke off to hallucinating that she was a Rhodes potato and dousing herself in gravy at the end of the second set against world number 82, Kroloppina Granitchenko, who herself was accused of wasting time by doing a penguin impression before each serve.

The Ukrainian-Cobella-Rosha star, it's been also mentally convinced myself that it was really cold out there. What on the men's side? World Number 83, Rambustian, Flout of Australia, despite losing it completely in the punishing sun and demanding he be paid in Bitcoin. Well, he got through anyway, after his opponent, World No. 82, Panicus Pueb, from one of the

Americas. The extreme heat had caused him to change gender, like he'd heard about Elizabeth doing in a TV documentary. She now joins the women's draw for the third round under her new name of Ethel Pueb. Organisers room to be considering a new heat rule whereby once the on-court temperature exceeds 50 degrees Celsius, players will no longer have to use their rackets and tennis balls and instead just stand in the middle of the court slowly baking until one of them gives up and a winner is declared. The Australian open organizer, Larach, in a courkat, she...

Miss Courkat explained, it's not fair for the players to have to play tennis in such stifling heat, but enduring dangerous potentially lethal temperatures is what the Australian Open is now all about. We want to see athletes literally melt until at least one player is reduced to a simmering pool of oddly coloured gill on the baseline. We don't consider this tournament to have been a success. So tournaments have been a success. So, um, uh, I would tell you what, the authorities defended making players play on in such brutal temperatures. The tournament director, Gryce Bubbrell explained, uh, if we ever have to play Venus or Mercury in an interplanetary tournament, we're going to need players who don't whim

out that the first time they're in turn, the logins literally cooking inside them. Besides, tennis didn't start climate change, so why should we be the first one to cave into its demands? Look, Andy, if you didn't want to play a pointless sport in insane heat, you shouldn't have colonized Australia in the first place. Good point, to be fair. If only someone had told us that in 17...

When was it? 17... The date doesn't really matter. Classic. was on this day in the year, hang on, let me get the, I've got to have an actual, 1778, 18th January, Cook would become the first European to discover Hawaii, and there was an alert message sent to me. European colonization threat inbound to Hawaii, seek immediate smallpox inoculation and hide museumable artifacts. This is not a drill. Winter Olympics imminent and as you know the bugle is now an absolute key part of the

British Winter Olympic bid. Thanks to Axel Brown, the member of the British Bob Slay Squad, who emailed us in a couple of weeks ago. And he has, well, he demanded that we cover the Winter Olympics in a specific form. Now, I had a friend who was into winter sports. I had a friend who was into winter sports, but he's very intolerant of haircuts. Even suggested judicial punishments for people who had specific styles of haircuts. He said to me, Fringe, in prison, buzz cut, exalto, penal, colony, corn rose, torture, Bob, Slay. Boom.

Sorry, Mark, for what you're about to witness. I can only apologize. For his training, I had a flock of birds to chase down Bumpy Hills that he'd named after Britain's great-nest long-distance runner, Mo Farah. He called them his Mo-gulls. It was Jewish, my friend. Always please, as a fellow member of God's Chosen People and greet me very enthusiastically whenever the winter sports season was on, gave me a giant charlom. Okay. Thank you.

Well, on his long training expeditions, he would spend a lot of time thinking about the market value of the planets in the solar system. If I was trading shares in planets, Andy said, I would hang on to Jupiter, I would sell Mars shorts and buy Earth long. Buy Earth long. Anyway, like many sport stars, he had a lucky toy, a little dollar Bill Clinton's wife made of soft feathers. That's nice, I said, yeah, he said, it's my downhill hurry. I doubt that. You're right, that's the appropriate response to that. I could have done a lot better.

He got a horrible injury, though, he was practicing naked to try and toughen himself up for the winter Olympics. So scraped his private parts on the tarmac. And when he was in pain, he adopted this kind of strange, Jordy accent. And I remember him saying to me, after he did this horrible, horrible scraping, genital injury, Andy, I've got Nordic ski in left Nordic skiing come on Nordic skiing to all the cross-country stuff I mean for efforts if not a

achievement that deserved something I took him out for dinner, so you... Can you afford to make that kind of joke? LAUGHTER I took him out for dinner. He said, I'll have a minestrone, a massive portion of cabbage with mayonnaise, and the meat special of the day, please, and the waiter said, OK, soup, a giant slaw lamb, super, super giant slaw lamb, super, super, super, lamb, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super out. But anyway, he was obsessed, he was strangely obsessed with the sexuality of leading figures

from history. He kept a load of evidence, proofy said, that the venerable beads, the 8th century monk known as the father of English history, was in fact homosexual. He kept all the paperwork in a special secure metal box that he called his beads gating. His beads gating. His beads gating, his beads gating, his beads gating, his beads. He even wrote a song about it, it was only one minute forty-five seconds long, it was a short track. Anyway, some of these people are really not enjoying it here today.

Let's see, go down the front, he's curling up into a ball. These people out here, they're not liking it. One person, Annie, rejecting it. Another person looks like he thinks it's tedious. This woman, she's angry. We look along the faces. One face says no, then bored. That's no bored cross.

Don't be a kid. This guy, it's Borderland Delirious. His nose is twitching. His eye is dancing. In his eyes dancing. LAUGHTER In this... In his... In his eyes, sockets... LAUGHTER Alice...

You're gonna have to jump in here. We need to go joke. That's key, jump in if you can. LAUGHTER Oh, come on, people! Come on! I've suffered as much as you did. No, we don't do something now, I'm gonna lose the crowd.

Well, well, I think the British Bob Slase might just have lost all its support. Fuck you, Axel. Right, I think we're all of them. Yeah, I've done Mark, yeah, I, I think a lot of them. Yeah, done Mark. Yeah, I was pretty, I missed out a couple of sports, but I mean, to the most, I don't know what the record number of puns in what I did, all American presidents and reverse chronological order once.

I mean, look, Andy, your puns are like the Winter Olympics in that the person participating in them thinks they are important and good. Yeah, but still even people who don't like them have to admire the effort and dedication that's gone in some progress. The Winter Olympics should just be called 115 different ways of sliding. That's... Now down a load of snow on a biscuit tray. Now on a lawn mower.

Yay, gravity. Gravity and ice. Great double act in the 1930s. Right, I think that's us pretty much done, isn't it Chris? Yes. Great. That's...no doubt about that. We are, in fact, overall contractually obliged time. Why about seven minutes? If you can discount the least funny seven minutes of the show, whatever that may be. Whatever that may be. It's...there we go. It's been an absolute delight talking to you. Please show your appreciation. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

It's, there we go. It's been an absolute delight talking to you. Please show your appreciation. For our wonderful guests tonight, Mark Steal on Buebel debut. Treat Davin Mir and Alice Fraser. And Alice Fraser. Chris, the producer.

Thank you for coming. We'll be back next week. Goodbye. We'll be back next week. Goodbye.