The Bugle - Bugle 4058 – Donald the Bastard

Episode Date: February 3, 2018

Andy is joined by Al Murray and Bugle debutant Jen Kirkman for a look at the (complete) state of the union, peacocks on planes and illegal castle building.With@HelloBuglers@almurray@JenKirkman@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, viewers! Audio newspaper for a visual world Welcome to issue four thousand and fifty eights of the world ongoing weekly updated official last-will and testaments of the planet earth The official audio document chronicling the legacy of this planet between now and the end of the world somewhere between Three months and five billion years from now it's a ballpark figure Might be a bit either way, I haven't built in a contingency I am Andy Zoltzmann, and if you cut me, I say ow Here in London, we are today the city where 500 years from now to the day We in Britain will be holding a referendum on whether or not to rejoin planet earth holding a referendum on whether or not to rejoin planet earth. After we've, leave it in a referendum,

470 years from now to join a new trading block with the 18th century after time travel that enables us to trade with our former selves, which could work out very well for both sides. Joining me here today in London, a welcome return to the view goal. To a man I lost, or flying a helicopter into a crowd of screaming children.

They deserved it. Well they'd paid to say it was in a in a pantomime. It's Al Murray. Hi Andy. That was said say to the helicopter in your pantomime. That was the theatrical extravagant of the Millennium for me. Well it was a bizarrely high point in the show as well for me. When I got the script, you know, reading it, you know, it's a joke about a cow here, and you know, the magic beans and all that. And then turn it, and it's, there's a bit where one of the other customers says,

where is Al? And then in the stage, it says Al appears upstage in a helicopter. I'm doing this. I'll take this here. But yeah, I had to be strapped in properly. It was an actual fuselage of a helicopter from a Scrapyard apparently. And it had crashed the helicopter in real life. It repurposed as a prop. But they had to strap me in properly and everything. And I'll badly

had it crashed in real life. I didn't want to know. You didn't want to know. Was it haunted? That's all I want. Well, it was a haunting experience, but I don't know that it was haunted. But every time I'd get in, because we did 64 shows, you know, straight through, each time me and the stage manager

strapping in we go, okay, time for flight number 32 every year. And yeah, it was a sensational thing to have done. Yeah. And since you were last on the Bugle, you have had a baby. Yeah, it was a sensational thing to have done. Yeah. And since you were last on the Bugle, you have had a baby. Yes, that's right. Well, yeah, yeah, I have.

But I've been involved in the baby making process. Yes. And that just shows the amazing fertility power of the Bugle. That is the Bugle, yeah. I mean, you were on in August for the first time, just in the year of a baby. Well, August, you know, you have a baby.

Yeah. That's a very fast gestation period, just in the end, you have a baby. Yeah, yeah. With the live crowd. That's a very fast gestation period between coming on the bugle and having a, other two biologically, well, I can never remember. They're not biologically, let's know. I'm a bit out of the loop. And also, are you saying getting on the bugle gets you late? No, I'm saying it makes you feck it.

Oh, right, okay. Because that'd be quite a post, didn't it? Yeah. Hey, I was on the, yeah, I was on the Bugle this week. Show business changed out. Also joining us here today, for the first time on the Bugle, it's a comedian, writer, podcaster, and no-time American ski jump champions.

No shame in that. It's Jen Kirkman. Thank you. I really hope it doesn't make me fertile. All right. I'm not in the business of having a baby. Okay, rock. I'm nervous now. It is a business as well. Yeah.

You want to monetize it? Yeah, that's a hot to my mind. I've had mine for 11 and 9 years now and they've been an absolute financial drain. Yeah, I mean my eldest is 18 so I'm waiting for her to actually return a profit. We're a long way in. You never know she could win a contest. The lottery. Britain's got talent or something.

Yeah, it's unlikely. Am I daughters? She's talent talent or something. I think it's taken my prize. Am I a doctor's, she's talentless that elderly. I think it's important to... Don't she listen to podcasts now? Well, I think it's important to be honest about your children, isn't it? If you've got a child you can't sing, you've got to tell them they can't sing. Yeah, for the end of it. Yeah, well they'll end up on a talent show, making a fool of themselves and disgracing their family.

So Jen, you've been doing your stand-up show at the Soho Theatre, how have you enjoyed London? I've loved it every time I come here and it could possibly be that I am getting better at my job, but I feel the audiences are getting better. Do you know what I mean? I feel like they're getting more loose and loud laughing. I swear years ago when I came here, it was a different feeling. I mean, that's Brexit, isn't it? Where? We just laugh more. We're set free. That's what we've heard. That's what happened, Jen. Since we've become free people. We've been liberated from being part of Europe and getting intelligence

that you might need and other important things. So this is the bugle for the week beginning, Monday, the 5th of February 2018. We're according on the 2nd of February making it 3000 years to the day since the 2nd of February 982 BC way back at a simpler time when Wi-Fi signals were really bad, but people didn't mind. There's a more patient time. And on this day in 982 BC the Greek fitness guru and inventor, our Clopptios of Megalognosos created the world's first balance board. When he was discovered by King Agaclopthicus standing on an upturn tortoise and claimed he was researching a new product.

And just the next week he invented the fitness ball when caught in Flagranta with a large watermelon. On this day, 2nd of February in 1848, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo was signed, classic treaty. That's brought into the Mexican-American war. Treaties are interesting, aren't they? Because at the time they obviously seem like

a really bright thing to do, don't they? A couple years later, I was like, I don't know, I'm just not sure about that. Well, so I think it's partly name, isn't it? They raise expectations, you think they're going to be full of treats? Yeah. Mostly full of complicated sub-closes. I've just been reading a book about the Norman Conquest and the French King in the mid-11th century. He used to do the Sync called the Peace of God, where he'd say, right, the Peace of God is now here

by the state and you're supposed to stop fighting and people were basically would ignore it. He turn up, he turn up in like an area like Normandy or Angiol, someone go, right, Peace of God from now on, and they'd be like, oh my god, it's really funny reading this guy, Henry, piece of God from now on, and they'll be like, oh, fuck off from here. It's really funny reading this guy, Henry, Henry, one of the head French Henry Kings, I'm not reading it closely, but he'd turn up and he'd go, right, knock it off you, and then they'd go, no, sorry, it doesn't apply here.

Right. Your piece of God does not apply here, which I think's really fantastic. Like naughty children. Yeah, it's so sweet. I mean, it's a noble attempt. Yeah, it's a nice idea. Why not start there?

Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, exactly. And they had a real problem with people building castles illegally. But just put up a castle without permission. What if you, it seems like, I mean, I've never built one, that it would take a while to put one up. So how far do you get before someone goes,

wait, are you building a castle? That is illegal. It's an excellent question, because it seems that our idea of a castle, like a big stone building, basically if you put a mound up with the palisades and logs on the top of it, that's a castle. Right. And that sounds like a tax dodged in me.

There's some tax break for castle for not houses. Well, I mean, this is the cause of most of the unrest in Northwest France in the 11th century, the legal castles. Right. Well, that's what you get on the bugle. You get up to the minute topical stuff about 11th century French castles.

The BANG DONG DONG DONG DONG DONG DONG Top story this week and a Donald Trump as banged on for 80 minutes about the, well let's say the state of the union, the perceived state of the union, it was a an interesting speech, I sat up and watched it very late at night and that is not a healthy thing to do unless you are an official in order of Trump. Jen, you you you digested it in transcripts.

I read the transcript and I saw a clip. So he was supposed to say to everyone still recovering in Texas, Florida, Louisiana, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, California, and everywhere else. We are with you. We love you. He says, love a lot. And we will pull through together He didn't say California because he's mad at us. He doesn't like so he just dropped that off and didn't actually say it Because he's mad that we didn't vote for him So everything that he so I couldn't bring myself to watch it and then when I but I have seen some clips in it

Yeah, we got the sort of drugged Trump the the one that is very slow and So I couldn't bring myself to watch it, but I have seen some clips in it. We got the sort of drugged Trump, the one that is very slow and seems like he's on Zanek. So I don't know if he has a... Is that better than the Trump-owned natural? It's less unpredictable, but it should be alarming to people that he seems heavily medicated. And I don't know if they give it to him because they don't want him to go off or he's twilighting or whatever they call it, sunsetting because I think he's early to mention. I don't know what it is or he's just has a drug habit.

This is completely my opinion. But if you are a realist, Why is well? It's 2018, it's the era of Trump opinions off act. That's true. Reading this, it sounds like a child's book report. I mean, he has speech writers, so they have to write it to his stupidity. I don't know how he gets through the teleprompter, which makes me think he has an earpiece in,

and that's why he goes so slow as well. Well, that'll be interesting. So these are my theories. If that is ever, I mean, that proves that that he's not under Right is controlled by Moscow as some people have said because so sure if somebody Moscow's controlling that earpiece At some point he'd have said dust with onion Spassie blah blah. Sure. Well, that's the other thing He should have said our union is completely being torn apart from the inside because Russia's tactics are working

But I don't think you can say that no, he can't say that out loud without getting a certain element of criticism It's a good performance or because I always think the thing you just think about Trump is he's made his business to set the bar so low Yeah, it's clever that is when he goes to Congress original to give that a stumble or shouting its journalists or Complimenting someone on their hat or impersonating a disabled person, there's like a ripple of, oh, did he do well? In the same way that someone squeezing one tiny turd into a potty half way through a dirty protest should be congratulated. It's that sort of, by lowering the bar, it turns up and just reads a thing from beginning to end, even if it like you say it's sort of gibberish,

Janet and John level, reading level gibberish. Yes. People go, you know, say the stable trumple, the what do they call it, or good, good trump. No, they always say that's, today he became president. Yeah, presidential. Presidential, I think they've stopped doing it because every network that does it gets attacked on Twitter now and when they dare to say something like that.

But it's just he says love a lot. It's such a strange thing. It's this almost glow of humanity that comes through him. But he just keeps saying we love you. We love you to different to different states. He's got a lot of love. You know, well, he called the bill that he didn't end up passing the docker bill to not deport people that have lived here forever, a bill of love. He wants to have a bill of love. And that's what he said. And then the Republicans took him aside and they didn't want to do the bill. But he almost did a good thing. And he did describe Cole as beautiful, beautiful, clean, and tall.

I mean, with all due respect to Cole, when even Cole doesn't find himself sexy. I mean, that is not a sexy bit of rock. He had his big boy face. He just put his chin out and puffs out, very proud of himself I Also think that sort of a vanity thing where he's trying to look minimize his chin. Yeah

Yeah, I think he's trying to look thinner and make his eyes less prominent and but yeah, I couldn't watch it It I I can't see his face anymore. I thought this would be over by now. I thought he would be out by now Oh, right. It's hurting me. I don't think his face anymore. I thought this would be over by now. I thought he would be out by now. It's as if it's hurting me. I don't think he's ever gonna leave. I think he's gonna be president in about a hundred years' time. He will declare martial law, I'm sure, and be the king. But I thought maybe he'd have a heart attack. I thought maybe they would make him resign

because he doesn't want the job. And so I feel like he would resign. He can do anything and his people will believe him. So if he resigns and says, oh, this is a crap democracy, you know, I don't want to run it. I was better serving America as a businessman. He could just make that up and say, oh, they made me, leave there being so mean to me and the start, you know,

I don't know why he doesn't just do that. I still think joining the seniors golf tour is the most likely way out. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, putting the hours. That would be amazing. I still think joining the seniors golf tour is the most likely way out. Putting the hours. That would be amazing. What I was really struck by having watched every second of it live was the number of standing evations. Oh.

Now, I know a thing or two about standing evations. I've had two in my career. One of which was when I left the stage earlier the gig in Manchester in 2002. But that was, it's a lot of pretty old people watching that speech and that's a lot of exercise. The number of standing evations for those older Republicans to give Donald Trump and I've just, in fact, just been checking the latest injury reports. Mike Pence, he's been ruled out of vice-presidenting for two weeks after straining both his hamstrings,

after standing up and sitting down again 7,000 times in 18 minutes. The Republican Senator Querville Placquettic, he suffered a double wrist dislocation and a fractured sclefioid in his ulterior node. That's part of the wrist. Clapping a record, 11,921 times in Trump's speech. That's the most, by a single representative in a president's speech.

Now, there's a 56-claps per applaud and 2.4 rounds of applause per minute. He even applauded a cough at one point. And on the Democratic side, Strevel Jark, the senator for New West's year, was hospitalized with a compression fracture of the frontal headbone after a frown penetrated his skull, after an unbroken 76-minute skull. So it was physically demanding. I mean, the pictures, the pictures that I saw of it, with the Democrats having to stay stony faced. Yeah.

Bernie Sanders and his crew, whatever they, and that must be that in itself must be quite difficult. His face is always like that. And by the way, he's not a Democrat. I just want to make it very clear. I have a dislike for Bernie Sanders. Okay. I am not saying it to you. I'm saying it just to anyone out there. He does not represent his behavior does not represent that of my people. Although I am a socialist at heart. Okay. Anyway. behavior does not represent that of my people. Although I am a socialist at heart. Right, okay.

Okay anyway, but yes. Go, I'm set. Yeah. But yeah, but I just saw those pictures of them like, you know, because it is very hard. Yeah. If you've been in an audience where half the audience have been really into it, it's very hard to maintain that.

Nope. Yeah. No, no, no, no, I'm not enjoying this. There's no redeeming. You know, like just a tiny little ripple. Then because it, because, I mean, also the other thing I mean because Trump's other he's got this balancing act doesn't he has to say everything's great now and it was shit before. Yeah. If it's great now there's no there's nothing to film to do. Yeah. Right. So there's still. So that's

why I'm going off. Exactly. So so he's got to maintain that some things are still shit. Otherwise there's no point to it. So it's that it's got to maintain that some things are still shit. Otherwise, there's no point to it So it's that it's that having to think two separate things exactly the same time of presenting to people I think it's really interesting, but he's clearly not troubled by being illogical No, no, he's laid that card very firmly on the side Yeah, that's really interesting because most people will go no Can't maintain these two impossible thoughts at one Well, yeah, i think he also um...

well actually sorry do you point about the them sitting there stony face they're getting complaints now from the republican side that they behave that way but that's the grand tradition is whatever the opposing side is they sit there stony faced and at one point during obama's uh... state of the Union, one of the Republican senators, you lie, and it wasn't even a lie. It was just he was upset that Obama was black and just had a freak out.

But Donald Trump tweeted a complete lie about the ratings. Oh, yeah, yeah. And this is his, that's the prime club in his bag, isn't it? The ratings lie. Oh my God, he said, thank you for all of the nice compliments. It's like me after a show when I tweet to the audience and reviews on the state of the Union speech reviews.

Well, reviews, you can, I mean, five stars in one paper is one star in another. What the thing is, I mean, you can, if you, I mean, I'm trying to sort of treat the Trump presidency like he's a sort of Andy Kalfman Deep character comic who one day will emerge at the other end of it Go come on. I was joking or die in a wrestling ring or something I don't really know anything about Andy calvin except that but because I watched the peers Morgan interview where he was obviously trying out some of The everything's great the economy's better than it ever was. Oh, okay, and he and he did that thing where he sits bolt up right in the chair Yeah, like because he again because he better than it ever was. Oh okay. And he did that thing where he sits bolt up right in the chair. Yeah. Like because he again because he because then he can put his jaw out and he's obviously got this

I'll do my handsome body language now. Yes. My dreamy body language and he sits up and he did that he did all that the economy's barely ever has been the trillion dollars. We put a trillion dollars on the stock exchange and all this sort of thing. Yeah, the stock exchange better than it has ever been in all American histories. And he was rehearsing all this stuff, very much like a comic,

trying his stuff out at a club gig. I was just gonna say before you host the Oscars, yeah, you want to try out some of your jobs. You know, cause no one watched the Piersmog would think, so it's like doing a small gig. I can't believe those two sat together. It's literally the two most terrible white males that exist on the planet earth.

I think, well, there's probably worse people, but. Well, there's certainly had been worse white males in the past, I think. Yes, maybe not. It was the early to mid-20th century would testify. And some that build illegal castles, don't forget that. Well, yes. You know that he would have been one of the illegal castle builders. Absolutely. Everything he is built. He's an illegal castle. Donald the Bastard, either think.

As you say about the writings, he claimed it was the most watched state of the union in history, which was impressive and would have been even more impressive if it had been true, but still impressive. As we know, in the 21st century, you don't let the facts get in the way of a good fact. And he complimented Fox as well. For the big share of the, I got 12 million and 46 million who watched it and it's basically

Moonlighting as president of the United States from his main job as head of PR for Fox News And Fox News seems to me to be a bit of blend of kind of American capitalism At its ultimate height and Soviet level propaganda. Oh,. Kind of the devil wears Pravda. Yes, I love that. Oh, thank you. Thank you. That's a really good one.

That's a good one. Oh, you sound genuinely surprised, Al. Sorry, after all the years we've been working together. He took a recover from that one. There's a surface of all junk and everything. There. It is distressing to me that he did get even that many because the ones that have beat him out were only a few million more, 48 million, 46 million. Why did he have 45 million?

We go around on Twitter and say don't watch it, don't give him the ratings, don't watch it, and people still watch it. Right, yeah. So I'm upset with Americans who watched it it. Right, yeah. So I'm upset with Americans who watched it ironically. Right, yeah. What if you watch it like a Medusa? Like if you're looking at it in a mirror, does that count to the writing? No, no, that's that's for a shot window. That's all right. Yeah. Yeah, just like in the 50s, crowds of them stand outside the shout outside TV shops going booze He said these words I found Particularly particularly moving tonight. I call upon all of us to set aside our differences to seek out common ground And to summon the unity we need to deliver for the people we were elected to serve, which is rather like a hyena calling for better

table manners. Guys, how about some decorum at mealtimes? Wait a turn, you'll all get you a bit of a zebra. I wouldn't be too much to ask you f***ing hooligans to use some f***ing calorie. After Martha's shock democratic results, part two now, and on this side of the Atlantic, well the Brexit's shimozl continues to rumble on amidst continuing confusion over what the f*** is going on, what the f*** was going on when we voted and will go on and? And our Angela Merkel's been been cranking up the cranking up the burns well We've discovered is that it's gonna be a shock Many people's that Germans have a sense of humor Because the laws of comedy is we want to dictate comedies all about surprise. That's real. A rule be the Germans have no sense of humor That's rule be see the British have the greatest sense of humour in the world.

Testify. D, because we can last for ourselves, that's the reason, right? So it will come as no shock to bugle us who long ago turn their backs on comedy to learn that it is. Comedy is A, no surprise at all, that B, the Germans have a sense of humour. See, the British don't think it's funny, funny and D it's because they're laughing at us. And this story is, and news is emerged from Germany via journalists writing about it in German newspapers and then a British journalist reading those newspapers which is an extraordinary means of transmission for information. Angela Merkel has the brass neck,

sheer neck and go brass in German to have joked with journalists about the R&D lady PM Theresa May. Basically her riff was, this is comedian talking about this, she was riffing on this Brexit deadlock basically, that she says she ran the Merkels, she ran into Theresa May and they had a conversation that went this way. And she did this for some journalists in her room as a routine. Now where Merkel says to me, what do you want for an Brexit deal? May replies, make me an offer, right? So Merkel says, I don't need to make you an offer. You're the one who wants to leave.

What do you want? May would then say, make me an offer. And apparently, she says they went round and round in circles doing this. And Merkel did this as her hilarious routine for German journalists. I mean, I will not open it with it, but... This is the comedy of repetition. It's like, it's a true me. It's a lie.

It's a lie. Yeah. And this, of course, is outrage people who shit on about Germans, not having a sense of humour, and how much they like six feet, six feet, three squadron, and sun lounges, and all that stuff. And I think it's really, really interesting because an endless theme of the whole Brexit thing is no one has considered for a minute that we're doing this in public. And our little secret. It's our little secret. In this negotiation that's been pitched by the Brexit, pro-Brexit people, they've

just never ever taken into account that there are other people involved in this thing. And that they might, even if they don't, you know, they obviously don't like it, and the Germans said they'd rather we didn't do this, but they're laughing at this. It's just like the absolute hard burn for these German monomaniacs, people who still think it's the war. And then the other thing we had with this, of course, is the German ambassador said that the British obsessed the Second World War, to which I say, who do you think you're kidding me? If you think Old England's done. I mean, I don't know what this must look like

to the outside world, this Brexit thing. But this whole situation has arrived as a completely internal problem. And now we're having to deal with external ramifications. And I think we have run a real danger looking like a complete fucking twat. It's a relief as an American to go, oh my God, people as

ridiculous as us. Was that- Yeah, we were the John LeBaptist of your idiotic Jews. So for one minute, for maybe a month, we looked like we would be superior to you. Just I just mean in that sense of bragging rights about not being stupid. And then we joined in.

So now it's just, it terrifies me to be honest. I don't, I feel like I'm watching two countries completely get taken over by Russian propaganda and thinking that they need to split from within their own selves. That's us. And then you guys splitting from Europe. But the really, I mean, I think I've really, I find really amazing about this. It's all right. Let's say leaving, leaving Europe is leaving Europe is is the right thing to do then do it do a good job of it rather than go over the Germans are having a go with it it's like this is this really weird I mean we didn't vote to do a good job of it that wasn't on the ballot paper we just voted for Brexit yeah no I'm saying we had it's a good job. No, I mean clearly the problem is that we just didn't, we voted not having discussed

for more than a minute what the f*** would happen afterwards. So the whole thing's being rifted. I guess you can't discuss it in advance. That's showing weakness. It's like drop of blood in a shark tank. And then the hippie and me goes, you can't really leave Europe, man, because you're technically can still channel to Paris.

I mean, you're all one big blob of blood. But that's what anti-AU people say. Well, we're not leaving. We love Europe. We just don't like the year. We're not leaving Europe. Of course we don't. Why do you always deliberately confuse the two and I think, well, because that's exactly

what you've been doing. In fact, you don't like having to talk to Belgians. Well, yeah. Yeah, it's because it's like racism against other white people. I've never seen. I look where the we're specialists. Right, we can come to racism out of anything. That white cup, I don't like, I don't like, they look at that white cup.

That mug on this table is white and I've already, it's got different customs to me. Don't like it. Night, neat little summary of British social history there. But well, it might not be a tunnel to Paris, so it could be a bridge coming soon. Boris Johnson, who is essentially the impromptu foreign secretary, just riffing out one of the most important jobs in the country, said that there would be a bridge and those on the Brexit sides clearly responded by saying, I think you missed out the syllable draw, Boris. I think Americans kind of think of Angela Merkel as her rock star too.

There's a lot of popular memes that go around of her sitting with Donald. Oh rock star. I've heard many things said about Angela Merkel, but I think she's sort of like... Not that she's the new Kurt Cobine. We looked to her as almost this like save us like maybe Germany will adopt us or something. The way that she sat with Trump in the Oval Office and there's a famous picture of him looking down like a little boy and it looks like she's scolding him. And one of the memes is like, what did I tell you about Nazis? He's like, don't invite them in the Oval Office.

It's just something like that. And we just, we love when she turns her back on him and so I don't know, I'm sorry she's making a fool of three to make, but we think she's cool. Just breaking actually on this subject, a new report from the CBH AWMRH, that's the committee for Brexiting Hard and Women Real Hard. Brexit will produce an average 0.2% rise in the vague feeling of national independence, a 0.4% increase in the average perception that we're controlling our own destiny, and a 0.07% upward bump in the average sense that we could now become a multi-millionaire Nobel Prize-winning scientist because all the remaining old, holy, Belgerigrants have stopped coming over here

to plumber toilets for us. And that report has been verified by the Cross Party Committee on Indefinable National Emotions, which is very, very influential in this Brexit age. Obviously there's two sides to interpret these figures. The National Institute for Liking Hypothetically Nice Things in a Vague kind of way, counted by saying that although on average British people are 0.4% more in control of their destiny, or that's how they perceive it, that is due to a hard core of hard core, hard Brexit, hardy is feeling around 13,000% more in control and the overall 12.9% fewer people are filled in control. So, you can interpret these things in any way you want, or indeed just make them up.

We need to move on to some extremely pressing technology versus the natural world news now. And this is arguably the greatest story of the Millennium so far. A peacock has been thrown off an aeroplane. Not just any peacock, but what was described by its owner as an emotional support peacock. The... Yes, a harrowing story.

It was in the flight in America. Of course. Of course, Of course. Of course. The airline claimed the bird contravened its size and weight guidelines. Body shaming a peacock. Is there no depth of insecurity to which we will not suit? The bird named Dexter, presumably because it's majestic plumage, is reminiscent of the Majestic Batsmanship of the former England Cricket of Ted Dexter. Apparently, generally avoids public transport as its owner, who's an artist, says it'll be too traumatic for it.

Well, public transport is too traumatic for humans, but we're f***ing learn to endure it. And is that kind of resilient attitude that gives us the edge in the evolutionary race? And it explains why there are so few peacocks on the boards of FTSE 100 companies. The peacock was originally bought, charming backstory, to be part of an art installation. I mean, no wonder this peacock's got big ideas, frankly, it was speeding. It was a molly coddle. It was a... But this peacock is going big ideas. Frankly, it's been, that's been molly coddled as a us. But this peacock is gonna be really big headed now. Well, the least is gonna be going, yeah, I'm literally showing off even more

than a peacock would normally. Yeah, I'm the one who got banned from that flight. Yeah, I'm literally peacocking. It has its own Instagram account. Does it? It was it, he was, or she, I don't know, I guess it's a demand. Gosh, hang on, hang on.

Yeah. So a peacock. A peacock is better at using social media than I am. I've already got a long, long, long belt. It's a, he perched a top of a luggage cart at the airport and wrote, spent six hours trying to get on my flight to LA. And he said, tomorrow my human friends are going to drive me cross country.

So he has friends in Instagram account. I don't know how many followers I'll take a look. All right, I'm starting to get peacock jealousy here. Obviously this was a decision that has caused considerable unhappiness particularly from Dexter the peacock himself who gave an emotional press conference after he was turfed off the flight. The decision to bar me from this self-proclaimed flight is aviourist, peacockist and above all sexist. Whilst I understand the human understandable embarrassment at allowing a bird to go on a powered artificial environmentally destructive fake enormo bird, that does not make it acceptable. Regarding the injustice towards me as a peacock, well, look at you f***ing lemmings sitting there like sheep in your cocoons.

Watching some half-half piece of Hollywood shite on your eight inch screens on this airplane, when you could be watching my unbelievably awesome feathers. Seriously, look at this shit. It's fucking sensational. Moreover, without downplaying in any way the history of prejudice against females, have you ever seen a p-hem thrown off an airplane? Of course you haven't. Sure, I'm not a perfect peacock. I have been a bit of an absentee father to some of my p-chicks, and I have fluttered my feathers without asking permission on occasion, but I feel that this is now a witch hunt. One last thing regarding me being, quote, too big, it's mostly feathers.

And finally, have some f***ing respect. Without things like me, you flightless f***ers wouldn't have even thought of f***ing trying to f***ing fly. I will not be taking questions. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no way he exists, has apparently made, he sold $21 million of flame throwers in a day. I mean, that's, how does that sentence even exist? And he also sold a lot of fire extinguishes as well. And that is the definition of a captive-fucking market, isn't it?

Oh, you've got this, you might also like this. Glad he's capitalized. I didn't even know it was legal. Oh no. To have a flame thrower. Of course it is, it's protected by your second amendment rights, isn't it? Sub- amendment 3A, the right to throw flame. Of course, back in the day, that referred to lighting fires in winter,

to ward off bears and wolves and British people. But now the flame throw lobby is so powerful that it's been twisted beyond its initial intent. But I think this is a good test bed for that. You know, the thing when people say, you know, guns don't kill people, people kill people. Let's find out where don't kill people, people kill people. Yeah. Let's find out where the flame throws kill people. Right.

So it's like a perfect test. Yeah. It's like a controlled experiment for that adage. You know, it's a chance for America to put it to the test. So if a flame throw kills someone, then obviously guns kill people as well. You know, logically, it's like a logical test bed. Yes.

So I think he's doing a sort of favor here. Well, it's not guns that kill people. It's the fact that not everyone has been dipped head to toe in the river sticks. They're giving some mortality that kill people. Everybody knows that. A quick other showbiz story BBC Review found no gender bias in it's on air pay decisions despite there being what might be described as obvious gender bias in it's-air pay decisions, despite there being what might be described as obvious gender bias in its on-air pay decisions and well this is just them in the latest example of sexism in showbiz as evidence just a couple of weeks ago mini-mouse finally given her own Hollywood walk of fame star 40 years after her male co-star and former lover Mickey Mouse. Rumors are that the

reason that part of the reason it took so long was that Mickey briefed against Mini after she complained about his habit of shitting everywhere he went on set and then laughing enough by saying, Mice will be Mice. Also rumored that many was offered a payoff of up to 10 kilograms of cheese in exchange for not revealing that Mickey had a clandestine into species relationship with Melissa Duck, the then-girl friend of Mickey's cartoon rival Daffy Duck, who was from the rival Warner brother's table, which, of course, Disney frowned on, big time. You know, I have some hot news. I was at the BBC the other day on the woman's hour and they had to have the woman that was going to parliament the next day to talk about it.

Yes, she wasn't allowed to read the statement herself because she's not anything to do with being a woman but because she's the one protesting it. So ironically, just a man had to come in and read about it, and the BBC is insisting on calling it fair pay, not equal. And they're denying really that it's tough. I mean, to be able to see it, I have to explain why this seems to be a gender pay gap. Are they gonna say, yeah,

but all the women are worse at their job than all the men? That's what they said in the statement. Basically, they said a lot of this is based on work, you know, experience and output. And it's like, but that's the systematic thing you go and then again, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I saw a sat there in the studio while they read that ridiculous statement.

When would it be minzaa? Ha, ha, ha, ha. I mean, that's right. All right, you've had that for like 70 years now. When would it be minzaa? Minzaa, when would it happen? Hey, hmm. What I'm exactly right. You've had that for like 70 years now. When will it be? Well, means that. Means that. When will that happen? Hey.

What I want to know is why Kirsty Walk Outstanding TV journalist presenter of News Night and various other things still paid less than great Uncle Bulgaria out of the Wombles. Doesn't make sense to me. In another gender wars story, science breaking news this week, apparently the number of men dying from prostate cancer has now overtaken female death from breast cancer for the first time in the UK. Well, I'm boys, there you go Mrs. Pocker-Honhurst, you got what you wanted. But I read, I'm going to learn the turn now. I read the family show, I'll family show.

That's a, you reduce your possibility of prostate cancer by, cancer by orgasming every day. I've heard that. So like what's going on there? If the male rate's going up. That's right. And how, that explains why Prince Philippa's lived so long.

So is there a crisis that men are not enjoying themselves right now? Sounds like it. We can't even summon up the gumption to Wayne. Maybe because all these women are squawking about their rights. admit as we are not attractive to them anymore Their fantasies. Thank you for joining the dots for me. He would have been completely out of order if I suggested that but you know Here we are go on woman's hand We just about run out of time on the bugle. So the results of the win your place in the Bilderberg group competition have sadly been postponed until, until next week, but you will get an extra week on your term on the

Bilderberg in a sanctum for the winner. And do keep your emails coming in to hellobuglers at thebugelpodcast.com. So well, Jen, thanks very much for coming on the... It was a pleasure. ...on the bugle. How long is your run in Soho? It'll be over Saturday night. So probably by the time of the day.

Absolutely no point plugging it. No, but just to let people know that they could have seen it. They could have seen it if they missed it. Yeah, next time. Consider that a retrospective plug. Plug. Owl, have you got anything to plug at the moment? No. No. Yeah, next time. Consider that a retrospective plug. Owl, have you got anything to plug at the moment? No. No. I've got nothing on this year.

I mean, I'm going to plan to do things, but nothing certain. I turned 50 this year and I'm feeling like I might do f*** all. That's great. To celebrate. Brexit, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

I'm free now, you see. Don't need to work anymore. Land of milk, ahani. That's great. It's a celebrate. Brexit, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'm free now, you say. I don't need to work anymore. Land of milk, ahani. That's right. You can just lie back and enjoy the feeling of self-determination. Yeah. Gen, you have a podcast of your own.

Do you want to have? Yes, it's called I Seam Fund, the Diary of Gen Kirkman podcast, available at all podcasting places. Just out of the ether. Just grab it. Yeah. And again, especially, it's not available in Europe, only in England now because of Brexit. Right.

I won't let any other Europeans listen to it. Good, don't deserve to listen to it. Sweet taste of freedom. Yeah. Not being able to go somewhere else. Thank you for listening, Buegelers, don't forget. There are still some tickets available for the Buegel live show on the 22nd of February it will feature Nish Kumar and Alice Fraser and come to all of my satirists for high

show tour dates coming up this week. Take one. Can I remember them? Take two. I think I'm going to have to have one. I'm sure there's one other. Oh fuck sake. Don't be a Googler.

Yeah, you want me to go on your website. If it's not happening in the next six hours, I don't know. I don't know what is going on. Take three. Also come to all of these Saturist for High Shows and please if you are coming to submit your email request for topics to satirize this at saturistforhier.com. Wednesday and Brighton is sold out,

Brackett's tiny room. Leicester on Thursday is not sold out, Brackett's also tiny room. Do come along. I have Galway on the 10th in Ireland, Dublin on the 11th Belfast on the 12th of the following week Monmouth, Worcester, Exeter, Canterbury and then there's more after that all details at AndyZoltsman.co.uk. Any further questions? Comments? Right, let's call that a rap. Thank you for listening

Bugglers, we'll be back next week with Mr. Anuval Pal, who will be in America, which is very exciting and new time zone for him on the Buegler. Until then, goodbye. you