The Bugle - Bugle 4059 – Space, Snow and Super Bowl

Episode Date: February 10, 2018

It's Triple-A taking on Triple-S. Andy, Alice and Anuvab on space, snow and Super Bowl, with a specific look at an orbiting car, the Winter Olympics and the return of Timberlake.With@HelloBuglers@aliterative@AnuvabPal@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4,059 of the world's longest-running, only and greatest audio newspaper for a visual world. We are recording on the 9th of February 2018, so this is the beginning of the 12th of

February. I am here in London with Alice Fraser. Hello, Alice. Hello, Andy, how are you? I'm very well-thank you. You've been in this hemisphere for a very long time. Too long. I'm starting to forget what the sun looks like. It comes, goes up on it, it comes. And what joy feels like, and what good water is like. And how water goes the wrong way down the pluckhole. Yep. That's what comes out of a shower at any pressure at all.

Comes that upwards out of a shower in the Southern Hemisphere. Yeah, it just comes out of the drain and it's like a b-day, all showers of b-days in Australia. Is it right that in the Southern Hemisphere the sun, rather than rising over the horizon, just curves down from the bottom of the sky and then curves back up again? It just sort of leaps out at you from behind things, isn't it? Okay, that's what we're worried about. And joining us from New York City is a man who is not usually in New York City. It is Anu Vab Pal.

Hello, Andy. Hello. Hi. Anu Vab, great to have you on the show as always. I understand that the current weather conditions in New York City are not the kind of weather conditions you are used to in your home of India. I am not Andy, I am from the tropics and I think I've realized why the Americans like Fahrenheit.

They like Fahrenheit. Because the moment they get a descent to grade in the American winter they're always in a minus number. Right. And I think that if Americans have to live through 20 days of minus five degrees, there's a psychological impact. So 17 degrees Fahrenheit still feels like a positive number. I think you've got the very heart of the American psyche there. Yeah, exactly. You know, they always look at the positive side of things. So they came up with that centigrade Fahrenheit formula just to give themselves a positive number. Bottom line is it's come you know it's a black sky and when my plane landed in New York City the pilot couldn't see anything he could have landed in Philadelphia. We're in the middle of a small storm he couldn't have been Godfabb, I'm probably in Godfabb right now, I have no idea.

As you were talking about, this hemisphere, particularly this part of this hemisphere, North America I think, as they call it, gets pretty cold this time of year and day and us from the tropics, we're not used to it, you it. I've never heard the term Indians are a cold people. We're known to be apparently warm people. But literally, that is not true anymore. I say your pain. Thank you, Alice. I've been doing a lot of reading on the southern hemisphere.

Just to put my mind at ease in the being in the cold. South Africa, Australia, lovely summer going on that, right? Yeah, pretty good and I'm not there to enjoy it. And what you are returning to Australia just in time for getting slightly colder? Yes, I am. I'm going to be in all of the festivals. I'll plug it at the end of the show. Okay, good thinking, Alex. So this this we are recording on the 9th of February meaning it is 32 years to the day since Halley's comet lost cranked out a cheeky little perihelian that of course is a comet's closest point to the sun. Halley laid down the big P on this day in 1986 during its jaunt of the proximity of you don't need to be a rocket astronomer to know that. But it was a disappointing performance by the P-nut shaped celestial wizard, panned by critics as the

comets' shittiest flypast in the last 2,000 odd years. Today's comment magazine described Halley's 1986 effort as, quote, a barely visible anti-climax. This once great comment that has at its time pressaged all manner of major global events was patently resting on its laurels in one of the most egregious displays of smug comet placency we've ever seen. And I'm just pleased to hear there is a comet magazine that it has subscribed. Oh there is. Of course there is. There's a magazine for everything as regular listeners to this. Halle's comment famously done some quality Omen throwing in 1066, it appeared in the skies before the Battle of Hastings, which of course brought about the beginning of European domination of British politics,

which continues unbroken to this day. But 1986 wasn't entirely without effect on the world, just eight days after it's Perry Helion on the 17th of February. We had the signing of the Single European Act, the first major revision of the 1957 Treaty of Rome, which established the EEC, setting in motion the single European market and all the complete and utter subterfuginous appropriation of British democracy, freedom, liberty and Britishness. I listen, I can't see this, but Andy almost got out of his chair

with the fist over his head at that. It's just so that you know it's method. Yep. Must stop reading certain newspapers. And also, six months later, Diego Maradona cheated England out of the world cup In the quarter final. So maybe let's listen once again to the classic commentary from the bugle archives on that historic sporting moment Maradona gets the ball now that cheating little shit. What are you gonna do punching in from the halfway line? You prick. He turns now. Kick the f***er past past bidsley why can you lose uh past podge

what part of kick that bastard of the balls you struggling to understand huh past read nail him f***ing nail him he's up to f***ing now come on Terry put him in a body bag f***ing f***ing sh** he's past f***ing butchers well

he's whacked him Terry just sh**ton to beat now take his f***ing head off Peter I don't give a f***ing of skulls, f***ing rodent. I'm not a thing. Oh no, it's too low. Oh, I have to remember to go by the little magician.

Laurie McManamy, have you ever seen anything like that? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, The next time Halle is scheduled to come here, 2061, although we are used to people turning up late these days, according to my computer simulations, it will be 3D and wireless, by that point, that's high-tech stuff from the comet, and will be viewed as an ominous omen in 2061 harbinging amongst other things, the return of Elon Musk to Earth after the completion of his journey to Alpha Centauri via his new hypersplat interstellar catapult. It will also foretell the death of US President Honeyd Umellen, the first piece of fruit, to be elected to high office in the USA after voters finally tied of human politicians,

then robot politicians, then dogs howling at each other, which was a big step up for the 2044 election. But unfortunately, President Melon will fully biodegrade seven months into its second term in office despite the advanced refrigeration techniques of the day. And also, following Halle's visit to Earth in 2061, we will see the retirement of Queen Elizabeth II at the age of 135. And finally the tender night is in her waving wrist, forcing her to step down. The Queen!

The Queen! Top story this week. Elon Musk has blasted his car into space. I mean, no big deal. Well, actually quite a big fucking deal. He just blasted a fucking car into space. Yeah, space, the final frontier for Rich Wankers to show off their fancy red cars. Elon Musk, philanthropist entrepreneur and man, to whom nobody has said no for way too long,

says send a space suit in a fully functioning Tesla car to orbit around Mars in an eternal floating monument, both to house smart and health stupid humanity. It's amazing how often those two go very, very close together. It's not close together. I mean, I guess, you know, the question is why did he blast a car into space? And the answer is clearly why the f***ing not? I mean, what was he going to do? Blaster bicycle into space?

It's not being idiot or a jet ski. I mean, he might be an American citizen now, but he's not that American. Clearly, it had to be a car. It's the first consumer car to be blasted in, and you do have to use the word blast at all points in this. That is the only way you can put a car in space by blasting it there. I believe that this is the initial step

in a kind of a super villain storyline, because often at the beginning of a super villain storyline, you know that they're a villain because they fire someone into space or drop them into a pit of crocodiles. This, you know, eternally orbiting car in space with cameras on it is the thing that he'll point to when his kids won't eat their vegetables. The first consumer car blotting space, well of course Neil Armstrong did insist on taking his collection of toy cars with him on the Apollo 11 moon blast

apparently said to NASA, it's gonna be boring, spending three days traveling to the moon, and you're pretty much exhausted, I spy with my little eye within an hour or two of blasting off, and buzzes really shit at scrabble. So I'll play with my cars, the cars don't go, Neil Armstrong doesn't go, cars in space. Musk said that he wanted to launch the silliest thing we can imagine into space with his on the back of his show. He should have got you on the team, Eddie. Well the Falcon, the Falcon Heavy Rocket, which is a disappointing name for a rocket to me. Falcon Heavy sounds more like a craft aisle than a massive, great rocket.

Is this the beginning of us sending up various household objects? If we're in the process of sending up things that you get in a suburban middle-class house in San Francisco, you're going to send the car up and very soon a refrigerator, maybe some sort of an espresso machine. And my question therefore is, when we do find intelligent life in space, should there encounter with humanity be this? Just seeing a bunch of nonsense stuff from homes flying around next to Neptune. Like, do you guys feel okay that this is the first thing extraterrestrials will see and judge us for?

Well, I have a bit of a problem with this. I think it's a very disappointing. I don't have an object to a car being sent up into space. What I do object to is the choice of car. I mean, obviously, Musk is going to go for the Tesla. You know, high tech, futuristic, super tech technology is... But that's just what the aliens will be expecting. If, however, he'd sent up a 1975 Robin Reliance

for my mum's old Nissan Micro, then how are the aliens gonna interpret that? That bled of advanced technology and shit cars. Correct. They're gonna think to themselves, how the fuck did that pile of shit get here? Yeah, I wanna die, I had to charade. You know, the kind with those pleather seats that burn little holes into the back of your legs in summer yeah you

know Andy happy days not in an English summer anyway let's go back to this phrase the silliest thing we can we can imagine raise the bar elode we know we know you have a hyperactive imagination raise the bar I Elon. We know we know you have a hyperactive imagination. Raise the bar. I mean, the commies, they put a doggy with flying goggles on in space. That is already sillier than a car for me. And that was the most sensible thing they could think of to send into space. And it's a dog with goggles on. I mean, that's, that to me is inherently sillier than a car. What I would have, I would have, you know, if he's going to put a car in there, it would have been better if it had one of the one or more of the following car kutremont's attached to it. A, some tins tied to the back and a just divorced banner in the windscreen. What a breakup. A parking ticket tucked under the windscreen wipe. I mean, that has to go. A family food shop in the back, just for the sake of mystery.

A folder marked plot to conquer the universe. Actually, I assume that was probably in the glove compartment. A Donald Trump, I think we've all got behind that. Elvis, even better. What most I would have liked to have seen is a carrier bag full of prison clothes, an envelope with $40,000 in cash, a wig, a passport, a driving license, a revolver, and some sunglasses. So whoever finds this car in the future will the space pill? I see, you know, it's going to rotate mindlessly through the vacuum of space around Mars for eternity until we all crash into the sun, but hopefully at some point Elon Musk will send up some roof racks and skis. I always think make a car feel jointy.

I mean, at some point it's going to have a prang with an asteroid, and then the dummy figure in the space suit, in the Tesla suit, whatever it is in the front seat. Hopefully that is programmed when it bangs into an asteroid to honk its horn and shout, look where you're f**king going, you're jumped up, f**king pebble. In this high-tech flying objects news now, a gang of smugglers who have been likened to the characters of TV comedy porridge flew drugs into prisons on drones and hid illicit Unless high-tech flying objects news now, a gang of smugglers who have been likened to the characters of TV comedy porridge flew drugs into prisons on drones and hid illicit goods inside parcels of bogus legal papers a court has heard. Gary Granals, which definitely sounds like

a made-up name, Stephen Stokker and his nephew Stephen McGonigal Stokker, made up the gang, and the standard UK newspaper uses quote marks to say they were literally the inside men during the three Operation which implies a way in which they can be metaphorically the inside men given the phrase the inside men comes from the exact Literal circumstances in which this prison smuggling gang operation has taken place. It sort of makes saying literally redundant. Sorry, side channel there. Grannels is accused of working with his mother, dinner lady, Amanda Grannels, to sneak drugs and mobile phones past prison guards, revealing that the gang used drones to fly drugs to sell windows, passed on goods during prison visits or hid them in fake legal papers. If only legal papers were that exciting when I was a lawyer

Andy. The only drugs I was ever offered were Adderoll to get me through a late night. I mean surely just the natural high of being part of a functioning legal system was enough for any young lawyer. Sure, I mean. Just the glorious natural cocaine of justice. No, I didn't even take the Adderoll and I refused the Adderoll because I am too uncool even for work enhancing tracks. That's me.

I mean this is, it's a big problem for prisons now, the advent of the, of the drone. Interestingly, here's a fact. Do you know that 67% of all wasps are now Amazon owned picnic drones. Spying on what you're eating at your picnics. So you get those emails saying we noticed that you've had some warm camembert. And some scones, perhaps you'd also like a pot of strawberry jam. It's the future of commerce. That is the future of commerce.

I mean, the invention or the introduction of drones into prison smuggling has certainly saved a lot of very uncomfortable doctors visits. I mean it's got to, it would, I mean in terms of, you know, kind of sure-shanking your way out of jail, if you can just get a giant drone to fly in and I mean it takes all the romance out of it, doesn't it? It does. It's spooning a tunnel for over several years. There's one question in the story as usual, you know, just being so far away, I don't understand many British things, but here it's that they do it in a parcel of bogus legal papers. And I think that that could be an interesting profession if people could make bogus legal papers, you know, it'll have like nice sort of graphics on it or whatever they call it, all the crest your emblem of royalty so it would look like a legal paper. But also it takes a special kind of prison

official to not know that that's a bogus legal paper. Yes I guess when a huge bundle of legal papers comes through that rattle slightly you think suspicions will be a rise? Yes, or when the legal papers are being flown in by a drone that says criminal on it. And the paper itself says bogus legal paper on the front page. One Andy, I've got a couple of things in Indian news that I wanted to share with you. And again, raise some conundrums. and I'm hoping you and Alice can help me. So the New York Times reported Andy that recently in India there was a religious clash, there was some religious violence and a particular gentleman was supposed to have been martyred in this religious violence and he became a hero on social media Andy and he became a martyr for this religious violence and then everyone online said oh you know people from

different religions got together and killed him his name was Rahul Upadhyay and then people were saying you know Hindus and Muslims shouldn't kill each other. This was in a city of Karsganj in India on Republic Day. And, you know, that this guy, you know, is just a symbol of unifying India. All of that was fantastic, except that this guy was not dead. He was just a guy in his house taking a nap when he woke up a few hours later he was martyr Rahul and there were two million things about him on WhatsApp and some 11 million things about him on Facebook and he went viral all around the world and there were 36 candlelight vigils for Mr. Padhe. It lit up the streets and seven districts. Wow. It's like Jesus all over again.

Yeah, but I don't know. A man dying in religious cause and then a few days later turning up alive, that is so far away from my understanding of religion. I do not know where to begin Andy. And you know, it's a great, great, great point, Alice. And you know, the point is that when he was asked how he feels about this whole thing, he woken up he poured himself some tea he opened his door and he said no media House of politician bothered to visit my place or call me first to confirm that I was indeed dead Of adding adding the marketplace of rumors has heated up beyond control After which he said he was going back for another nap And he wasn't sure what he was going to wake up to next time round

That is pretty good. Well, yeah, it's good. Yeah, the the nap is absolutely Absolutely critical in the birth story of any religion. Jesus had his little two day napkinly Friday the Sunday. Yep, I mean that is a big weekend. Yeah, yeah. It's proper. And this is why I love India and me, because everywhere else in the world they say, you have to be awake and work hard to make the news

and be someone. In India, you just have to go to sleep. LAUGHTER Another story from India that grabbed my attention this week, Anivabh was this story of a public park that started Trying to require people to show a marriage certificate Before they went into the park now. I'm all in favor of this because I've lost count on the number of times I've been walking through a park and I've thought to myself I'm married because I'm fucking awesome Why the fuck should I have to share this place with these unlovable commitment

folks who can't hack the holy bonds of matrimony under the eye of a vengeful God? So I'm on in favor of it, but what is the full story behind this park in India? Well Andy, you know, the boring story is that there were lots of single people going out there in the middle of this park and making out. But the real thing is here. And they didn't want them, so they wanted them to have married certificates. And you know, in true Indian fashion, all the people that went to the park immediately produced forged marriage certificates. So four minutes before they were single, four minutes later, they're back in the park, they've got some candy floss and they're married.

So that worked out well. But, the larger question here, Andy, Alice, is, why would you, and this is, I want your perspective, because you live in the advanced world, the both of you, I want to know why shouldn't you have to carry a marriage certificate into an Indian park or indeed any park? I carry around a marriage certificate wherever I go but the names aren't filled in yet. It's just if I see someone who I really take advantage of. With that empty certificate Alice, you would be welcome in this Indian park. They would welcome you. They would help you fill out your form and then you could enjoy all the

benefits of this park which include big pocketing and very sudden thing. In Australian news now, the Daily Telegraph in Australia has published a picture of a political staffer pregnant with Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce's out of wedlock child, sparking a controversy about what the Australian media should leave private, and what it should splash loudly across the front pages in the interests of selling ad space, sorry, in the public interest. The question of whether a married man who campaigned loudly for the sanctity of traditional marriage while locking up a colleague should be exposed as the venal hypocrite he most

definitely is, is definitely a question, and not obviously, yes, put him in the internet stocks and let people throw rod and tomatoes at him. But the question of whether the lady involved should be outed is a more delicate one. There's an argument that she doesn't deserve public vitriol to be sprayed at her because getting pregnant to Barnaby Joyce should be punishment enough for any woman, and it's arguably cruel and unusual punishment to make her publicly acknowledge that she has terrible taste in men. The debate is at its hottest in Canberra about whether the article was in the public interest with politicians, the Greens expressing outrage at the publication, and the Labour opposition

who are also politicians maintaining that the Deputy Prime Minister, a politician, should keep his personal private. This is definitely because they believe in the separation of policy and personal behaviour and not at all because they have skeletons in their own suit closets. They didn't become public figures to have their privacy invaded Andy. You should definitely be allowed to insist, for example, that everyone should pay their taxes while also running a Ponzi scheme, or that marriage should be heterosexual and monogamous while maintaining an oiled haram behind the velvet curtains of the Senate. I have always said it Andy, marriage should be between one man, one woman,

and his secretary colleague or secret girlfriend. Still, still like, as soon as the scientists make that breakthrough, turn hypocrisy into electricity, politics will save the world. We will go to the moon. Sport now, and well, has been a sensational weekend of sport last weekend. Of course the most dramatic sporting event of the weekend was to a global audience of around about 300 people. The Stretton Redhawks going three one up on the London Raiders in the first four minutes ten seconds at the Stretton Iceice ranked last Sunday evening. Unbelievable scenes!

It was followed shortly after by the Super Bowl, which was an incredibly exciting event. Alice, are you into American football? Do you have other ways of enjoying watching young men suffer life-changing, cranial traumas? I mean, my comedy shows. But look! Look my mate, watch the Super Bowl, and I can tell that it was a great match, is it called a match, by the amount of shouting and waking me up that he did. I am someone for whom the Super Bowl is something with quinoa in it at a pretentiously wholesome but less posh than it pretends to be cafe. Nonetheless, I'm willing to concede that it was a very good game because multiple friends who enjoyed

have told me in great enthusiastic detail that it was as exciting and full of drama as a sports movie about the Super Bowl which to be honest I still probably wouldn't watch. Philadelphia Eagles won their first Super Bowl and it made Philadelphia which is traditionally a fairly stroppy place. The least angry it has been as a city since 1776 on the official city's official strobometer. It called in at just 53.4 cranks on the Rumpel Stilt scale. So that's a joyous time for Philadelphia.

And if you were taken, you've been in America for the last week or so, so you were there to watch the Super Bowl happen in the, because it's got a huge global event now, but only a barely, barely noticeable 100 million people watched it in the US. I think it was just down by a few percent, I think, on last year. Andy Alice, I have some news to share with you people, I think I'm lost here. Andy Alice, I have some news to share with you people. And it's probably gonna sound like it's 70% of it is a lie. Because it's just one of those things that sound like a lie.

But I happen to be in Minneapolis with a friend who had an extra ticket to the Super Bowl game last Sunday. And I happen to be at the Super Bowl watching it. And you were at the Super Bowl. I was Andy But so you saw just in Timberlake live Wow That is unbelievable. I Did Andy I did all one inch of him from where I was sitting But there are few things I have to report and I want your views on it because they

can be confused. Yeah. Andy, the stadium in Minneapolis is called the Viking Stadium and it is built to look like a Viking ship. Right. Great. Because clearly, you know, Minnesotans feel a close affinity to Vikings because they misspillaging. I don't know what it is,

but they decided to build a stadium to look like a Viking ship. Great, right? For a person for India, confusing enough. The second thing the Americans have done with their sport, which I love, is that they have covered the entire stadium with a glass dome. So they don't let anything silly like nature interfere with the Super Bowl final. So silly games like you know Andy like cricket or whatever that thing is called You are familiar with things like rain stopping play the Americans don't even all that so it was minus 17 degrees Fahrenheit outside in Minneapolis inside the the stadium it was a dosity 70 degrees. You could turn up the heat on your chair while you sat in Itahonda, which I thought was fantastic. The second thing I loved is that they kept saying that the New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Eagles are the

two greatest teams in the world. And this is the world final. And it's always lovely to see two countries in a world tournament be so close to each other that you could get from one to the other by bus. If you know matter of two and a half hours. The third thing I completely loved about the Super Bowl that day is I didn't know you could do this but you know the Americans you know when they do everything you know they make it a Hollywood movie so before the Super Bowl started they had retired veterans from World War II take part in the toss so the two team captain came out of the toss and then they were they were

the war veterans so participating in the toss and the toss. So the two team captains came up with the toss and then there were war veterans who participated in the toss and the toss happened and somebody won, F-16s flew over the stadium. They even in some sort of a formation and they did a little X-16 dance. So the next time when India's playing England with Lords Andy, if your typhoon fighters are not overhead, when Joe Root is doing the toss and the, I don't want to watch cricket anymore. Well, I mean, how can you tell if something is an important sporting event, unless... The presence of the military.

Yeah, military aircraft, toss over head, that is a dangerously low altitude. The Super World Half-Time Show, one of the most watched cultural events of any year, Justin Timberlake this year. I mean, look, Justin Timberlake is to be applauded. He crawled his way, clawed his way out of the doldrums of boy band to become a well-respected artist in his own right. And he was brought back after his sort of disgraceful last Super Bowl excursion in which he accidentally slashed on purpose, revealed Janet Jackson's boob.

I was looking forward to him just revealing his own boob on stage. Right. Because I mean that was, that was shocked, because that had been a very closely guarded showbiz secret that Janet Jackson had a boob. Yes. For many, many decades. They're honest to keep that. And for her to be, I mean it was probably the most shocking moment in American history. It seemed to cause more angst and complaints than, for example,

the overthrow of the I.N.D. regime initially by a CIA in Dox2. I mean, it's right up there with the Kennedy assassination for the Americans, you know? It's a big one. But... That was a very choreographed accident who was the choreographer who was the choreographer can I release the fire it was the most choreographed accident I've ever seen and I've seen ballerina's shooting to Chiskovski you're shooting to Chiskovski what what kind of bullshit ballet is that? When you've got to go. I need to watch

more ballet, please, gentlemen. Do it in time to the music. Just time for a quick look ahead to the Winter Olympics now, which as we record, they've just held the opening ceremony and it has not, Chris, you can confirm this, has not been, part of the Olympics ceremony was not the North Korea invading of that very moment. No, they haven't. Oh, that's good. Not yet. We will cover the Winter Olympics exclusively over the next few weeks. What I'm most looking forward to, some fantastic events coming up, snowball fighting, for the first time, controversially snow drones are being allowed. The purists don't like it.

But it gives teams a different angle, and you've still got to compact your snowball and load it onto the drone. So you get what you gain in accuracy and payload, you may lose in speed of delivery, look out for the North Korean team. They had some very oddly shaped snowballs in yesterday's final free practice, one of which landed halfway across the Pacific.

Ski jump jousting, that could be the ratings winner of this winter Olympics. Surely there can be no more dramatic sight in sport than two pugilist athletes clashing jousting pole to jousting pole, 30 meters above ground having just flown off a 90 meter ski jump ramp at opposite ends of a stadium. That is real sport. Also a real chance for some of the less fancied contestants in both the men's and women's events. After a very exciting World Cup season, sadly none of the top 150 rank jousters are out of hospital yet. So, new additional disciplines, the Bob Sled by Athlon. Bob Sled by Athlon could be a real sensation this time, testing the skills of the driver and the rear gunner,

who asked to fire at five different targets, was plummeting down here at 85 miles an hour. That one sadly being held behind closed doors after the test event, well, we can't say too much about it, it's still an active legal matter. The skeleton event has proved hugely popular because, well, who the f**k doesn't want to watch someone flammeck themselves face down a concrete pie, idiotic velocity. And they've swooped up this time, they have the skeleton Pac-Man event inspired by the

1980s computer game. It's going to be a huge hit. Can the likes of Sochi Gold Medal winner Lizzie Arnold adapt the new requirement to catch tennis balls in her mouth on the way down? Loop the loose enough said. And I'm particularly comfortable with it. Well, two events, really. The Polar Bear rodeo, which could be really sensational this time.

Polar Bear is, of course, in a real mood at the moment. Due to the devastation of their natural habitat by climate change. So anyone who could stay on the bear for more than 15 seconds will be doing very well Norwegian hopes in the mixed doubles event rest with Stigvall Björn Glugerson and the evil freed of York returning after a four-year ban for polarisation after they painted a sloth head to toe in an off-white emulsion. And the captain Oatsethlund arguably the toughest of the many disciplines in this toughest of all Olympic winter. That's the event inspired by the death of Lawrence Oats on Captain Scott Silver Medal winning squastor the South Pole in the 1911-12 World Polar Exploration League

season. The competitors have to leave the start, tent, and the winner is the one who takes the longest some time to return to the tent, still waiting for the result from Sochi and sadly the Vancouver Games gold medalist from 2010, Drise Cjork, Hugh Mellison of Denmark, unable to defend the title, he was confirmed as winning only last year. Not the best event for TV but tough competitors. And any news on how the Olympic ceremony, because the last one I'm South Korea held in Olympic opening ceremony, it turned into a barbecue, flame grill doves. I can't. And I can reveal the breaking news from the opening ceremony

is that the Tongan flag bearer in conditions of up to minus 20 degrees has gone out shirtless and grease that weighting his flag. Why change a wedding formula? I'd love the Winter Olympics. There are two sports that I'm looking forward to, the real sports in the Olympics. I'm looking forward to figure skating for two reasons. First, because it is extremely silly people in beige stockings and sparkly leotards trying to tell a graceful romantic physical story with what are undeniably knives to their boots.

The second reason is that my merciless Jewish Hungarian grandmother had a real old world, sort of Austro-Hungarian empire idea of what children's education should involve, and so she would regularly hijack me in my twin brother from our hippie parents for things like, but not limited to figure skating lessons. She wanted her to turn us into a horrifying sibling eye-stancing duo. So when I watched the figure skating, it's with this real joyous, relieved sense of there, but for the grace of God, go high. And I'm also looking forward to skeleton, which is the one, as you mentioned before, where they go face down and head first, because somebody

very high at the top of a mountain once gave someone else a thousand drugs and a boogie board. Do you know, bugle listener and top-notch comedian, Alex Edelman has a twin brother, AJ, who is representing Israel in the skeleton, which is a brutal dilemma for a Jewish parent, because on one hand, you definitely want them to be successful and famous and the best in the world at something. On the other hand, you would prefer it not to be

like hilariously dangerous. So if Moses will have that way down the mountain, who knows what would happen. Skeletons is one of those sports that I'm definitely supporting but you couldn't pay me to actually watch it, you know, like unless you've got a pro-lapse that needs cringing to retract. Right, are you a qualified doctor? My brother is a doctor of law. Right. Just just just passed his

five or so. I think I probably counts. Yeah. That does. Let me do surgery now, Andy. AnuVab is the Winter Olympics big news in India, a nation with not the most glorious of Olympic Olympic records. We've got one guy and we're sending one guy. Right. Not even a joke. His name is Shiva Kishwin. He's taking part in Lush. He's built his own frozen, little Lush practice area

in India. He's been all over the news because we were all worried as to how he found all that snow and he managed to keep it frozen through the Indian summer. But most of all, nobody in Indian knows what Luzh is. So they thought he was a crazy guy, sliding down an ice rack wearing a helmet and he was probably mentally unstable. I mean it is about time for there to be a gritty reboot of cool runnings. Well, there is.

So we've got Shiva Kesheven, you know, he's the various world headlines say that he's India's lone resilient, loose champion. I don't know what that means because he's competed with exactly zero people in India. But we've sent him, you know, we've sent him, he's called and ready. And, you know, I hear that the Olympics people people send teams, but look I think ones are start. I always feel one is a start Look out for him Shiva K. Shivan. He's he's going to lose it up over there in Pune Chang Well, we have as we tend to do overrun the build-up competition has been postponed again So he can still submit entries

for your place on the Builderburg group. They are starting to get a bit crosser me, they're the Builderburg in a century. They've got an empty seat for the last couple of weeks. They really need to know who's going to be secretly running the world with them. So I keep them coming in to HelloBuglers at theBugelPod Podcast.com. There are only a few tickets left for the live Bugle on the 22nd of February with Alice and Nish. There will be live Bugles at a Melbourne Comedy Festival on the 15th and 22nd of April, and I will announce further dates for later in the year in due course. Do come along to all of my satirists for higher shows on the rest of the tour.

Alex, anything to plug? Yes, Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney and Perth, comedy festivals coming up. And apparently there's a hashtag going around for funny women online. I think it's hashtag, funny women. If you think I'm funny, enough for a hashtag? I don't know. No, come to my shows. That's more important than Twitter hashtags. Yes, yes. Come to my shows in Adelaide, Melbourne, or Perth, in the next couple of months,

if you're around. Yeah. Aniwab, anything you'd like to alert all listeners to? Well, very quickly, the My Startup Special and the Comedy Series, I wrote and directed, Going Viral Private Limited, are both finally available on Amazon UK. So I suppose if you've got Amazon Prime video, you can just press something and something will happen. And you'd you no longer need to subscribe to an Indian channel called Hira to get to those things on Amazon. So you will be saved from having to watch 4,000

people dancing in front of Golden Gate Bridge in a murder mystery. So that's what I have. Thank you, Willisney Beaglers. Until next time, goodbye. Bye. Bye. Thank you.