The Bugle - Bugle 4060 – What’s that Aunt Doing?

Episode Date: February 24, 2018

It's a live special with Andy, Nish and Alice and it's a belter.In the news – V signs from the cliffs of Dover, Australian tax office news, Kazakh alphabet updates and the NRA. Douchebags.Also, just what did the British government get up to on their away day?Plus Bobsledder Axel Brown is in the crowd and gets the traditional Bugle welcome.With@HelloBuglers@aliterative@MrNishKumar@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Leicester Square Theatre

for the One Night Only London Festival of Extreme Macrame. If you are now all pick up your string, your chain sores and your nonchucks and remove the leashes from your crocodiles. We can begin making this week's decorative... sorry, that's tomorrow's show. Let's try this one. Good evening London. Welcome to the inaugural live stage edition of Celebrity Stockholm Syndrome. Over the next three years, we will find out whether former US teen pop sensation Glenn Madiros will gradually, if counter-intuitively fall in love with his celebrity captor, the Austrian Nobel Prize winning playwright and novelist El Frieda Gelinheck, while she keeps him manacled to an industrial boiler.

Here lights, it's not that one, shame I love that show. Let's try, let's, let's try. Here it is. I'll put it in a bugle, is it? Bugle, eh? Chris, can you please introduce the show? Ladies and gentlemen, this is The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugle! That's, uh, what if f***ing loud? Did you lose?

Hello, bugleers. How are you all? One at a time, please, that was incomprehensible. Welcome to the Bugle Live here at London's historic cluster square theatre. I am Andy Zoltzmann and this is issue 4,060 of the world's leading longest running most spiritually and rich and only audio newspaper for a... You're very well trained. Thank you all for coming to see the visual version of a show that is fundamentally defined by its status as an audio only experience. So to reward you people who have bothered to come to the live venue tonight, you will be

able to hear this show in three dimensions if you put on your special one red, one green earphones. And now listen as the microphone gets closer and closer and closer. It's like George three all over again. It is the 22nd of. In the year 20, you guys know your stuff. That's really impressive. And if you don't believe that is the actual date, here's proof. What do you, how do you all think Brexit is going? You and I reckon historians could cobb and date that noise

to approximately one week around now. So it's the 22nd of February. Well, on this day in 1632, the Italian celebrity physics star, Galileo Galilei, published his smash hit, dialogue concerning the two chief world systems, Galileo or Double G, as it was known, pretty boxing fans out there, also known as pro science circuit, as the Tuscan telescope, senior science and the big fizz, Galileo, I spoke with a P-Action, he judged the big final

showdown between the old Tollamaic system which held that everything revolved around the earth and the hip new but still inexperienced Copernican system which said that the earth revolves around the sun, a double G called a fight, in favour of Copernicus and against Tollami. Yeah, take that Tollami, a geocentric second-century loser with all due respect. Modern scientists do now have, believe that tolamia, geocentric, second century loser with all due respect. Modern scientists do now have, believe that both were wrong, and the universe actually revolves around sport. Trust me, I'm a scientist.

Galilei also studied amongst other things, speed and velocity, gravity andfall, and projectile motion, making it a tragedy that he died in 1642, just 376 short years before the Pyongchang Winter Olympics. Because it sounds like that would be right in his wheelhouse. He would have crumbled his rubob over that. He also studied inertia, so he might even have enjoyed the curling. Today is also world thinking day. You didn't need to respond to that verbally. And so we are giving away this week on the mule three, three, three thoughts, including And... Ah... And... Oh yeah! As always... I'm 43.

What am I doing with my life? No, it's good, it's fine. Keep doing it. Oh, thank you. As always... Please don't stop now. If I go down, you're coming with me. So, um... No, it's good, it's fine, keep it up. Oh, thank you. Yeah. As always, please don't stop now. If I go down, you're coming with me.

So, as always, a section of the Bugle is going straight. I can't hear you in the what now. The what? You have the bin, correct? This week, we review London Fashion Week, including the, which, why are you laughing at that? Very successful new event, I think you saw this week, the head-to-head doubles fashion,

in which Team GB's Amelia Wickstead paired up with the departing Burberry Boss, Christopher Bailey, to take on the American design duo of Helix, Tremet and Clullix Flombard from the big hitting unwearables label. And all look good for the home pair as Wicksdeb distracted the Americans with some sparkly silver thread enabling Bailey to get his hands on the always crucial sewing machine, but Tremet literally played a blinder by encasing Bailey's head in ribbons and claiming it was a hat, a final score, nil nil. And also, in the bin, it wasn't just London Fashion Week, it was also London Dietree Fad's Week, and we look at the latest

dietary trends. Here is anyone on a trendy diet here? No, literally no one, just awesome, some big new ones coming out this week, the Sledge-Oterian in which you eat meat but only whilst sledging it in the manner of an international cricketer. Call yourself a f***ing stake, I've seen more meat on them off. The Higan diet, we had about the hegan diet in which you eat meat but only from male animals. Taking down a patriarchy one sausage at a time. The, the Magetarian diet, that's you only eat food as eaten on screen by match bishop in neighbours. Carb relief she's gone. The five two diet, does anyone try that? So where you have to eat as if your favourite football team has just been hammered five

two. You pick miserably at your food thinking I know objectively it was an exciting going for the neutral but I am f***ed off. Here's a good starter diet, the gluten free diet in which you don't eat any tins of glue. That's a good one to get started. We'll give you a sense of achievement. Q-cris! These people are right all along. Yeah. It's too early in the show to react like that. It was, I just couldn't help it, it just came out.

Um, also, uh, uh, well following on from the highly successful Kosher diet, the Nother diet, which is the same as Kosher, but ignores all the rules. And I found it works pretty well over the years. And also, Halal, in which you have to make sure an animal is laughing out loud at the moment of slaughter. So then it dies happy. A happy animal is a tasty animal. Very good news for cow clowns. Mostly we're on slapstick jokes about what happens when your others get stuck in a milking machine. So, alright, those sections are in there!

Right, it's now time to meet our two gladiators for this evening's fight to the... Sorry, our two guests for this evening's show first. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a human being. But not just any human being, a specific human being from London. It's Nish Kumar! I mean, I'm assuming that given that you're here, you understand that joke, but

if you've done that is absolutely inexplicable. For the benefit of the listeners, the people of the Leicester Square Theatre are being treated to a string of and I emphasize this heavily photoshopped images of Naked with niche is it nude with niche? It's nude with niche. Yeah, I mean the second one is I don't know how they've done it, but it's worryingly accurate. I'm in better shape than I've remembered How are you Andy? Oh'm well thanks, this. You Chris. You Nish. Since I last bugled I have in an open defiance of my Hindu upbringing been having several beefs.

It has been beef city at Kumar Towers. Holy shit. I've been doing a television program that has upset quite a lot of people. It started with P.S. Morgan, who we photoshopped an image of... I mean, there's no kind of way of putting this, absolutely neck deep in Donald Trump's ass, which he got upset about, and then Labour MP Kate Hoey posted a clip of the show onto it saying, is this what I pay my licence for you for? And the answer is yes, it turns out the BBC's entire budget is being funneled into an obscure late night comedy show.

We get 95% of the budget and the rest of it just goes on the news, blue planet and Sherlock's hats. And then I've sort of resumed my Twitter beef with Piers Morgan because he slagged off John Oliver. He's been slagging off John Oliver for saying we and us in America now. Andy, I consider the bugle and bugle listeners and everyone to be my immediate family and as such, we'll be borrowing money from all of you at some point. But now, we are allowed to slag John Oliver off.

He's ours. We're allowed to call him Johnny Chaubeys, make fun of Love Guru and remind him that I absolutely bossed him on the football field. But that's because he's one of us! F*** you Morgan! Burn in hell! APPLAUSE Oh, sir, I mean, he's been there a while. It's been 2006, and he's, you know, got his green card years ago.

The world's terseist resignation note. LAUGHTER green card years ago, the worst, Tursist resignation note. LAUGHTER Yeah, exactly. The man's a f***ing joke and a try to do his country. But again, we can say that. We're allowed. And also, joyous today, representing the world's second greatest lateral hemisphere. Still... Still... It's on the podium that's all accounts

podium finishes a podium finish Claire Baldin will be getting very excited Sticky it's in the equator by still trespassing on orbit of the planet its Alice Fraser Hello Andy. Hello Alex. Hello Vueglis. Hello Nish. Hello Alex. You Chris. You Alice. I gave him my hug early. Heronie's got stitches. So I feel like I've already taken my pound of flesh. It's always going to need a comedy show and the producer turns up literally in stitches. Also again for the benefit of listening to Chris is wearing a bugle t-shirt with John Crossed House. But we can do that. But again, we can do that. We are allowed peers. We are allowed. It's like when white people criticize, bend it like Beckham. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. Yes, it is a shit film, but it's our film.

So I did find a, what can only be described as a large suitcase full of old people much, that we are selling out this cake. For the discount price of, there we go, that's Chris modelling the old... Oh, the old... ...projector round the price. Oh, there we go. Slick operation, guys. Really slick operation.

I think there are five pounds each, but you pay 20 pounds for some extra sticky tape to cross out, John. Well, that is our T-shirt cannon, the human T-shirt cannon. Chris, what the first rule of T-shirt cannon? You've got to give it the big build up. LAUGHTER They're not going to give it back. That resale value of that is literally...

slightly less than we're selling it for, here tonight, five pounds. You know, this is a fiber for that. What has happened to this show in the last six weeks? What have I missed? The tone seems to have wildly varied from what it used to be. Chris is throwing out T-shirt and you're sort of half finishing your sentences and letting the audience do the rest of the work. The opening of this show was like a Robbie Williams gig.

LAUGHTER It's always been my dream, miss. You are the Jewish Robbie Williams. Rabbi Williams. Well done, Andy. You've finally broken Chris into making puns, that is. Don't fight it, don't fight it. Well, it is now only 400 Earth days precisely until the 29th of March 2019, until we Brexit free, until we pull the trigger on the trap door to catapult us into our new national ejector seat

to blast us into the orbit of Brexit freedom, 400 sleeps until we are finally unchained from the deadwights of the European Union that has burdened us so catastrophically for the last 40 years with trade, cooperation, improved ham. LAUGHTER The irritating legal impossibility of even boiling an egg with explicit written permission from Brussels

and reliably shaped fruit. 400 breakfasts. Until we finally get to enjoy our own like other space dog moments of pioneering a scape to genuine independence. Feel that sweet flame worth blast off. Freedom! 400 days or in layman's terms 80 back-to-back test matches which makes it seem... makes it seem more bearable. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha my poster. It's good because Nisha is famous now. As seen on Piers Morgan's Twitter feed. Berlia Week goes by and Britain now without some idiot saying something idiotic about Brexit. And we know, really, there we go. And straight out of the traps today, David Davis, God rest his soul, if it is ever located.

He said, he's promised us all, that Brexit will not be some kind of Mad Max style dystopia. Stop betraying the will of the people Brexit. That is what we voted for. Yeah, David Davis, a man who was once a baby, so boring that his parents gave him his own last name as a first name. Has disappointed the nation by saying Brexit will not be a mad Max style dystopia. What is the point of a dystopia if it's not a mad Max style one? All the other dystopians are either boring or terrifying. I mean, he's right, or of course,

it's not gonna be a Mad Max style dystopia. It's far more likely that Brexit will be an HG Wells time machine style dystopia. You know, HG Wells Victorian science fiction novel, where increasing disparities been wealth between the rich and the poor will lead to humanity involving into two different species, you know, the E-Loy and the Moorlocks.

Yep, them, yeah. Yeah, so the E-Loy are a threat for eating rich people who just sort of waft about being beautiful and useless, like Winath Pulture, and the moorlocks are ugly underground poor people, and the hideous moorlocks, I.K.A. poor people, have basically eat the rich. Right, that is all future. Yeah, it'll have served rich people right if they don't have their act together in time for the future. Rich people on superfood diets are basically prepping themselves for delicious lunch. You know, the trend towards superfoods and expensive assi smoothies mean rich people are hogging all the nutrients and leaving the bad food to the poor.

It's an excellent development as we move inexorably towards this dystopian future. It is good to know who will be the most nutrient dense. I'm sorry, they started with Brexit, it went off track into a delicious dystopia. Look, I don't, I'm not saying I want to eat winter poltro. I'm just saying, I'm just going to leave the words grass-fed. And let you do the rest. Yeah, of course, there's not going to be a mad Max style dystopia.

I've seen the mad Max films. There's people of colour in them. Whee! I don't think anyone, what are you owing about? I don't think anyone, Nigel Frazier's idea of Brexit is not Tina Turner in the ThunderDome. Also, it's the specificity, it's not like anyone has specifically said in public. I mean, we've all thought it in private.

It's not like anyone was saying, oh, this is going to cause a mad Max style. It's worrying that David has specifically said in public. I mean, we've all thought it in private. It's not like anyone was saying, oh, this is going to cause a mad mic. It's worrying that David Davis was that specific. It's like, if you lend someone a cap and they give it back to you and go, I didn't f*** it. LAUGHTER You're just immediately like, well, you definitely f*** this cap. And now I have to burn this hat.

LAUGHTER Hat. Hat. I thought you said catty. You want to say, and I know, I know how rigorous you are about doing all the empirical research for your jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the Daniel Day Lewis of Cat F**king Jugs. Nish Kumar would never talk about f**king pussy. No, no, I'm sorry, that was too far. You're right. Boris Johnson.

Boris Johnson. Oh, yeah, what's that f**king thing? That's's gonna be the title of series three of the Master of Boys. It's basically worked for any topical news show. This week what's that? Or the extended edition, what are those? up there. Later in the week. Some category of nude with niche. Boris Johnson said, well, last week now, he insisted that Brexit was not a v-sign from the Cliffs of Dover,

which is a point I don't know, Radio Show last week, is my favorite Vera Lin song. And um, but actually, that is what a lot of people did vote for. It was in some of the UKIP literature, a 300 meter high V sign on the Cliffs of Dover, made out of pure British oak. The Sinn Frein president, I said the government,

does not have a viable plan. Again, that was laid out perfectly clearly before the referendum. They suddenly come out of the viable plan. That will again be betraying the will of this nation. Yeah, I mean, it's all, it's going about as badly as we thought it was going to go. And just to go back to that V sign, Boris Johnson said

that it isn't a V sign from the Cliffs of Dover, but we actually did that. I know that you have just bullshitted about it, but do you not remember Paddy Power erected a giant statue of Theresa May, flicking the V's dress to the Union Jack dress? Like it literally looked like an EDL member's wet dream come to life. It was really... I only went with a fature face and said that it's a reasonable... Poor old Theresa. But I think if you get a big enough V sign, then an a large bit of elastic.

And you could use it as the catapult to fire all the illegal asylum-agreants back to where I ever came from. And in this conversation, we have come up with a more specific plan for Brexit than the entire government catapulting immigrants off the white clips of Dover, at least it's a plan. Because they've gone for an away day in checkers, as we were called today, they're currently at an away day to sort of hammer out a Brexit policy, sort of the thing you probably should have done before, you started Brexit, like, and it's classic procrastination. Like, I recognize this from any time I have a deadline for anything.

You go away, you put it off. If the government are anything like me, within a couple of days, they'll all be collectively masturbating themselves into oblivion. My working method is my working method. That would be the perfect metaphor for Brexit. Just an enormous conservative circle, Jack. All these people are saying what Brexit is and is not. When we know exactly what Brexit is, Brexit is Brexit, is Brexit, is Brexit, is Brexit, is Brexit,

an infinite fractal repetition of itself. It is the entire country going up its own arse in a like perfect a robberess of pain that is a what of pain a robberess or a robberess are you a doctor? Paul Blomfield Labour's shadow Brexit Brexit Brexit Minister he said that the time for meaningless soundbites and conflicting statements is over. Why was that officially scheduled in?

What? What? What? What? What? What you up to tomorrow? Oh, I'm on meaningless of a sound bite, Jupiter. It's the away-day in checkers is basically to sort out a rift in the Tory party, because

basically it turns out there's a group of an unnamed, unnumbered group of MPs called the European Research Group, who are sort of hard-line Brexiters, and they are led by Jacob Riesmog, a man who has the countenance of somebody who colonised my ancestors, packed Alice's ancestors off to Australia. And let's be honest, was at best ambivalent about Andy's ancestors. Let's just say he is on the fence. Let's just say he is on the fence. But on the fence pointing out the ones who were trying to escape.

I wish I could retract that comment. So, you know how I feel about everything I say. Oh, it's what's in Australia. How much of a joke are we internationally? I mean, if Australia is finding you funny, you know you're in trouble. But are we a laughing stock? Oh, you're not important enough to be a laughing stock. Sing! You're at best to sort of a rye-chuckling stock. Not important enough to be a laughing

stock. There you go Chris, I believe we've got an episode title. If you think of the UK and America in relation to Australian politics, the UK is like your ancient great-grandfather who's pretty racist, and America is like your uncle who's really racist. And Australia is like Australia, which is pretty racist. A little lesson in genetics for everyone there, so I'm not sure. I've said it before. I'll say it again, racism is like cricket invented in England perfected in Australia. I think now is the time for meaningless sound bites.

Well let's break for some quick half-time metaphorical audio oranges now and whilst you're chomping on your citrus, allow me to alert you to a veritable watch of forthcoming other bugle live shows. The next live show is in Melbourne, Australia. Er, two of them, in fact, on Sunday's the 15th and 22nd of April as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. We'll be at the other belly on London's South Bank again on the 5th of June and the 10th of July are also doing a satirist's for higher World Cup special there on the 5th of July. And we're back at Leicester Square Theatre

on the 13th of September and the 14th of November, plus Venturing North to the Lowry in Salford Stroke Manchester on the 7th of October, details floating around various bits of the internet. Here endeth the plugs, back now to the live show that actually happened. And this bit. In Australian news now, Australian public servants have been told to anonymously report their colleagues if they are wasting time at work or spending too long at lunch. According to the BBC, to whom I say, keep your blood, he knows out of our business mate.

Who's dobing who in? The Australian taxation office sent out a memo to 20,000 staff in December, urging them to be aware of workmates' behaviors, encouraging them to report things like inaccurate time sheets or those who read the newspaper for too long. The memo has been criticized by people calling it un-Australian because the one thing Aussie's love more than makeship

and a hard day's work for a fair day's pay is a not very hard day's work for exactly the same amount of pay. Also, think of the poor tax man. They have to bear the shame of being the villain of every libertarian fairy tale Beatles song and Jimmy Car documentary. It's a hard enough job to work in the tax office. You shouldn't have to actually work in the tax office. In a statement, the ATO Australians' main revenue collection agency said, we are proud to have

a workforce which seeks to uphold the highest levels of integrity, which the community would expect. Following with, integrity is everyone's, and we continually raise awareness of how integrity matters with staff. Oh, God, you're the tax office already. How have you managed to make yourself sound even more than the most boring workplace ever? The warning said, you've got to look at a colleague's remake, a habit of taking long lunches, you say, regularly leave early, spend the first to look out for, yeah, a colleague who makes a habit of taking long lunches, as you say, regularly leave early,

spend the first hour at work, eating breakfast, or reading the paper, or all of the above. I think this might be an old colleague of mine from my 11 and a half months in the real jobs market. But I tell you, who does? There's two social groups that do all of those things. One, the Queen, and two professional cricketers. The absolute pillars of this nation.

Yeah. Long lunch isn't reading newspapers. I mean, if this policy had been enacted in any of the various jobs I've had, I would have been fired from all of them, as opposed to my actual employment record, which is being fired from most of them. To give you an idea of how good an employee I was, I once fell asleep on the toilet. Well, it's interesting to say that because they've just, the tax office was trying to just announce the new work while you were skiing. Installing iPads screw to the walls above your rhinos, like, can boost productivity by up to a 10,000th of a percent over the course of a year.

And telephone's in toilet cubicles with the catchy slogan, make sure nature isn't the only call you answer. And they're also clamping out here, they're clamping down on small talk, because office small talk. Does anyone here just do casual small talk in the office? No? Chris, can you get in the microphone? This is the kind of economic hero this country needs. Small talk is the waste of time. Well, yeah, but you say that.

And you know the cost of small talk to the economy is 780 trillion pounds a year. And that's not a fact, but I will put it on a bus, and then it will become a parcel. So this is going to be part of our new post-Brexit future. Small talk is going to be banned to make a more productive as a nation. And instead everyone will have a lanyard, just has a little badge on it that says, I am fine, my family is also fine.

Yes, I did watch the football. Man United really on clicking at the moment, although, make us the greatest economy in the world. I thought Man United was the response to hashtag me, too. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Let's have some Kazakhstan alphabet news now. So that's, that is President Nazar Bayov of Kazakhstan, an indisputable power shit of a leader. And he is just issued a decree under which Kazakhstan is changing its alphabet for the second time in a year. Whereas we haven't changed our since about 100 million BC, I think, if I can remember the UKIP campaign literature correctly.

We're changing it after Brexit though. Say goodbye to French toast. That's going to be called Yorkshire Breadcake. How does that affect the alphabetness? This French post have a dodgy accent. It's this kind of remoning. There's you're talking the country down Andy. So they got rid of the cerilic alphabet last year and they introduced a Latin alphabet but it had loads of apostrophes in it, which caused national uproar.

And mobile phone users complained that the new language forced them to repetitively press the apostrophe thing. And I think they might have secretly introduced the same thing in Britain. And like there's a f*** of a lot of rogue apostrophes knocking around this country that really shouldn't be there. I mean, I just use one erroneously in the word apostrophes, which is a plural.

It really didn't need an apostrophe anywhere in its spelling. I did it again, and it's, oh, I mean, it doesn't matter so much when you're saying it out loud, but the transcript of this is gonna really f**k some people up. And I spelled the off there with one F. Damn it. I shouldn't have, I should not have made that kind of mistake.

And I've spelled, I've spelled of H-A-V-E. I'm so confused now. Balls, two apostrophes, one either side of the S, sorry, sorry. Sorry, no one likes a pendant. Well, actually it's not completely true to say that absolutely no one likes a pendant. Kazekstan is treating its alphabet with the scorned, derision and lack of respect that we Australians reserve for our prime ministers.

The decision was greeted with derision and online petitions calling for the apostrophes to be abandoned. Not only did the system complicate reading and writing critics said, but it was also introduced without consultation. Actually, there was consultation, but the warring factions couldn't agree on anything, because none of them could read each other's angry placards, there was consultation, but the warring factions couldn't agree on anything because none of them could read each other's

angry placards. Or placards is... Or... Right, let's move on. I'm bringing in the auto-complete joke. You just... You do the best. Not enough comedians end their jokes by going, you get it. LAUGHTER Blah, blah, blah. You get it. I expect more from my audiences. LAUGHTER That is why they do not bite against us. LAUGHTER

What else should we do the Q&A now? Sure. What else should we do? What should we have? Audience Q&A? Or Gunkercrime in America? Yes. All right.

OK, for your benefit, Chris is going to edit that out. LAUGHTER Bad audience. To protect you. To protect you. OK, I just want you to know that. LAUGHTER That you did not come off well in that moment.

People in Britain really f***ing hate a Q and A. And we'll do anything to avoid it. I was shown by the turnout in our elections and referendum. Even one Q with a very short A, we can't really be out with, so um... So, um, the question I guess that has been swirling around America is will America ever learn? No! Well, I think... I think the answer is yes, it's already learned, but only some of it has learned.

And as the old saying goes, even a well-trained dog likes to roll around in Foxy. So... I don't know if I was... Is that Aristotle as well? Um... who's even a well-trained dog likes to roll around in Foxy. So, I've done a... I was... Is that Aristotle as well? Yeah. But, um, Donald Trump, the... The president has...

Still doesn't seem right. It's... It's only been a year. It feels like a decade. Um... Just don't say that on an anniversary mail. I can't wait for our bugle range of Valentine's day cards. He said, a gun-free school is a magnet for bad people. If I bad people you mean pupils and teachers. And what do you

got in my suggestion that teachers should be armed? Yeah. And describe them as you know, but what he said this, I never said give teachers guns like was stated on fake news. What I said was to look at the possibility of giving guns to teachers. If I may. His answer to gun control is the plot of the film Kindergarten Cop. LAUGHTER Um, only the best teachers, the talented ones.

I mean, I thought, is this going to attract the right kind of teacher? How is your science class with that new teacher? Almost a flogging. Well, he knows s*** all about physics. Apart from that gravity makes your foot hurt if you drop a brick ongins, well he knows s*** all about physics, apart from the gravity makes your foot hurt if you drop a brick on it. He thought the periodic table was a piece of folding camping equipment. And he thought

that the reason that Eel spawned right was a thinker. Don't feel bad about it. It was a thinker. And told us that the reason that Eel spawned rather than hump is because they're so damn dougly. I learned literally nothing, but he did shoot a feson to 500 yards, so we had a nice lunch. The NRA recently awarded organisation of the year by Morrill Squaller magazine, yeah, again. Got to admire their consistency, that was not bad. A lot of people said there's this hashtag never again.

The NRA, they've launched their new hashtag, not until next time. A movement of pledging to support no more such incidents and still such time as the next such incident happens that NRA spoke shoot a harbinger Biblox. And remember, this could be 100 million years away. So it's fine. So there we go. Well, the head of the NRA wine lapillare

who has a surprisingly French name. He was speaking at CPAC, which is a Conservative political action conference. And he has really gone off on one because he's described. He talked about socialism, which he described as a political disease that's on the rise in university campuses. The only thing that's on the rise in university campuses

is students hiding because there's gunfire going on in the fucking***ing quad. And he then said that he was warning about possible, you know, the Democrats taking over the Senate and he's enacting gun control. And he said, if these so-called European Socialists take over the House and Senate, and God forbid, win the White House, our American freedoms could be lost. Now, what I have issued with there is the phrase, so-called European Socialists, because only you are referring to them as European Socialists.

I'm pretty sure the Democrat party aren't running around being like, with a European Socialist, you know, guys, it's f***ing nonsense. Well, while many people are saying they need to implement stronger regulations about gun laws, other people are saying it isn't the gun's fault. Guns have feelings, too. You'd think anyone with a heart would be moved to make some sort of logistical change, but, you know, a picture says a thousand thousand words and if the picture is the picture of Benjamin Franklin on the $100 bill that's a lot of persuasive arguments for keeping gun laws the way

they are. It's an interesting argument the classic guns don't kill people, guns have nothing to do with guns, massacres, people would still be doing massacres all over the place if we didn't have guns, so on. I just don't think I agree with it. You know what I mean? Like these teen survivors are kind of getting into this. They're marching on the state capital with thousands of supporters to press lawmakers to take more action on gun control.

And they're fighting against this perception of themselves as like classic millennials who filmed or tweeted during the attack, you know, classic millennials who are attached to their phones. Classic millennials going to school, getting shot at, trying to tell their loved ones what's happening with the technology available to them. Back in my day, you had self-respect and a stiff upper lip during a senseless massacre. You'd write a letter and send it out of the school through the sewers by a specially trained postal rat.

And then again, I went to school in Australia and by the time I was in high school, we'd already instituted sensible gun laws in response to a massacre, because we didn't have a constitution that's achieved the status of a religious text. And if we did, we probably would not have included the bit about our citizens having the absolute freedom to carry around murder cannons capable of spraying bullets indiscriminately into a crowd. Well, the kids got criticized by lots of people, including Dinesh D'Souza, who is an Indian Trump supporter, which is another way of saying Uncle Tom asked Motherf***.

And he has apologized for the tweets that he did. He said, while it aimed at media manipulation, my tweet was insensitive to students who lost friends. So it's pretty difficult to see the target being media manipulation because he was tweeting about kids who were in the school crying in response to Florida State Legislature's decision to not pass any sort of gun controls. And he tweeted, adults won kids' nil and then worse news since their parents told them to get a summer job.

Take that, the media! Boy, that guy's think the media really good there. Dinesh, D'Souza, you raced try to... F**k. Look, if guns have nothing to do with it at all, which is one of the arguments, then gun laws like those in Australia or the UK wouldn't drop crime in America at all. What they're saying is the problem is Americans. Like...

Like... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Like... Their argument is basically, we are so f**king up as a country that nothing you can do will stop us murdering each other in large numbers. Even if we're left with only paperclips,

I'll paperclip you to death, you mother f**king ass. LAUGHTER paper clips, I'll paper clip you to death, you mother f***er. I think we have actually the Bob Slayer. Are you here? Hello, actual. The member of the British team GP. He's right there. He's right there. And actual sports person. Look at him. Look at him doing exactly what he does in his so-called sports. What? Sssh. Sitting in a chair.

And this gig is doing what he does as well, and that it's going downhill very far. The reason that I think the Winter Olympics is not a real sport is because it's either graded in like a hundredths of a second or In out of a hundred completely randomly for no reason the split-second increments Indicative of sports like Luzion Bob's lead. What's your beef with decimalization? Well, I mean when there's like a fraction of a hundredths of a second It is a sport that is not a sport like that is a sport where either everyone is equally good or it could be done by a potato sack a sport where either everyone is equally good or it could be done by a potato sack. Are you going to stand for that? Yeah, you're going to stand for that?

Axel, Alice is shit talking your life. Quick run away, downhill. By sitting still, real hard. Has there ever been... Has there ever been an escape scene in a movie, like a Bob Slay chase? Chris, I think we need to end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I did have some puns lined up. But Ed, which hooked on this story,

the era flaw of relaxed the ban on people taking small stringed instruments onto its planes. Because the fact they've just basically... And, uh, yeah, better, I think we've got to get our show back on track. Uh, I don't want to... I don't want to loose the crowd. Uh, f***ing people hate puns. And I don't want this to descend into blind, ugly violins.

LAUGHTER Right, that's it. I ain't want this to descend into blind, ugly violins. Right, that's it. I ain't no liar. So, uh, right. Yes. We are already 18 minutes over. Did you know, Nish is into some kinky stuff. In the dressing room, he's got this inflatable sex mannequin,

male one, too. There's not much space in the dressing room, but particularly with Nish's mandolin. That's right. We'll do. OK. But particularly with Nish's mandolin. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Bloody. OK. Bloody.

He... He... He brings a whole van to fit it in and he needs two parking spaces. So, he needs a double base. A double base? OK. F*** you for the second one. I will allow the first one, because mandolin...

There was genuine craftsmanship over there. He was telling me, he's very British about romantic things and he was telling me how much he's been with this girl for an hour, a long time. And she's the best, I tell you, I, I, I, I, I, I, I ballie like her. Oh, God. Oh.

Oh. I have embarrassed by how funny I found that Anyway, sorry, yep stop stringing him along. Yeah, I was It too Fraser always mean this I Was I probably as I'd stay up all night riding these and End up drinking far too much. Yes far too much coffee, so my wife has, uh, has stopped me having any coffee. She's had to ban Joe. But that's it. That's the end of the gig. No, there we go. That's, that's,

are we, is that, are we really integral? That's, that concludes, concludes. So it was a, that was, you know, fair, it wases. So it was a loot... That was... ...your fair, it was a load of rhubab. That is the National Instrument of Afghanistan. That's actually quite good. But I'm done. I'll be hot-press to come up with any more. Right, it's it.

But... Bedtime. Thank you very much for coming. Please give it up for Axel the Bob Slayer. Chris Alice Preiser and Nishkumar. Thank you for coming, Buggis and till next time, goodbye. Thanks for coming out of Euglis, goodbye!