The Bugle - Bugle 4078 – Truth isn’t Truth

Episode Date: August 24, 2018

Andy is with Nish Kumar and Anuvab Pal – after a wonderfully ludicrous week in Trumpland, what actually is truth and what do we do with it? Plus, Ikea in India news, Economics is a crazy subject, and puns.Recorded 'live' in Edinburgh.With@HelloBuglers@Aliterative@AlexEdelman@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, viewers! Thank you!

Thank you very much. Welcome to The Bugle Live! How are you all? One at a time, one at a time, please. I cannot, I'm not a politician, I therefore cannot interpret the will of a large group of people based on a single, who can unify, simplified response to a question, sorry. So welcome to the new town theatre here in Edinburgh. Are you enjoying the Edinburgh fringe? Good welcome, welcome here. We are here today at the world's largest arts festival where today an old woman walking a dog in the meadows inadvertently became a sell out fringe show As she painfully stooped to scoop her dog shit off a path into a plastic bag and received a five star review from the Scotsman For a heart-rending theatrical satire on humanity's

relationship with the environment and the cruel passage of time. So Chris let's fight the music. The fade mate, fade, come on this. So welcome to the The Mughal Life, who's been to a live Bugle before. Who has never been to a live Bugle before? Onwards and sideways, and who has never ever listened to the Bugle? You may be in for a confusing hour, but welcome to the show. I am Andy Zoltzman. This is the 22nd of August. Congratulations, Bughlers, you have just cheered. The anniversary of the English defeating the Scottish in the Battle of Koutenmore in Yorkshire in 1138. I'm just running a blending with the

locality. Don't stoke those fires of independence. You will... You also cheered the anniversary of the first ever air raid in history. In 1849, when Austria launched pilotless balloons against the city of Venice, that is a photograph. Yes, yes. 1849, pilotless balloon. It wasn't the 19th century fun. So you've just cheered the first ever air raid, which of course, pressaged the unending tragedies of the Second World Wars, brutality towards civilians. So well done, that, you heartless bastards. You've cheered the anniversary of the day in 1454, when Jews were expelled from Moravia, you people disgust me. To be fair, even

handedly you also cheer the anniversary of the deaths of two 13th century popes, so at least you hate the Catholics as well as the Jews. And you cheer the anniversary of us. So was it 70, 60 was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, Christmas every day or a nuclear holocaust, you're called Christmas, you haven't thought. You have not thought who's that? You're like Christmas every day, who is that? You've not thought through the economics of this. Just the catastrophic financial collapse. More of this later, we have a special bugle economic section today with a new special bugle guest. You've also chaired the death in 1664 of the influential 17th century female astronomer, Maria Kunits, terrific astronomer.

Maria, I've got a picture of Maria Kunits, of course. Polyglot. There she is, Maria, a polyglot who could convert in seven languages, were known for an elegant solution to Kepler's problem, of course, as well as being a very fine musician and painter and has a crater on the planet Venus named after her and oh my if I was 380 years young oh no well we've opened up that wormhole again sorry Florence Oh, history. Oh. Oh.

As always, some sections of the Mughal are going straight. In the air. For air going. Waaah! Correct. And they are then going, waaah! Landfill. We're learning.

This week, we have a special Mughle lists section. Everyone loves a list as well as the numerous Forbes rich lists which this week had the top earning female sports stars which had nothing but women in the top 10. So much for equality. We take a look at the spiritually rich list. Can anyone knock inage sniddles off top spots, the 84-year-old happily married grandmother who runs a charity teaching classical ballet to orphaned penguins? We also ask whether the divide between the spiritually rich and the spiritually poor is now too wide. The average charity worker, teacher or nurse

is now 287 times more spiritually rich than the average chief executive of a FTSE 100 company can anything be done to bridge that gap. Also, we have in the bin some home kits. Everyone likes to make stuff at home now to save a bit of money. We have a home cryonics kit. Preserve yourself with our Deluxe Bugle Home Cryonics kit, a full chest freezer plus overcoat, wooly hats and flask of hot chocolate. Cryonically preserve yourself for anything from two to five minutes. Warning, do not use for more than five minutes.

And also a home puppy makingmaking kit. That's also going in the bin with the UK Government now drawing up plans to ban the sale of puppies and kittens at pet shops. We review the latest, make your own puppy kits, including the Pooch Tech Poppinator 3.2. The latest iteration of the classic home puppy making kit comes with complete with a fully grown male and female dog. Plus a David Attenham, a DVD of dogs, humping to help them get in the mood. They're not really up for it. Anyway, those sections are... Right, it's time now to introduce our guests for today's live bugle.

You ready to meet the guests for today's bugle? Good. Otherwise, that would be very, very awkward indeed. And also, today, it would look quite racist. So, let me... So, I'm very glad you answered, yes. So, that's... Firstly, a great pleasure to welcome him back.

Bugal regular for some time now. A man who just has to look at a baby before that baby starts crying because it has been so thoroughly satirized. Please welcome Nish Kumar! I don't know what I'm more alarmed by. I don't know whether I'm more alarmed by the picture, the still for big list of the stick to the podcast. That is the naked with nude with niche still. So, features a Photoshop picture of me naked. I don't know whether I'm more alarmed by that. Or Andy's riff about the f***ing statue that he wants to f***ing.

Which is particularly dark, given the presence in the audience of Andy's wife and two young children. Sure. LAUGHTER Nish, we're both in showbiz. Given the presence in the audience of Andy's wife and two young children Nish we're both in showbiz we know how we're all That's right we bone statues Hello Andy, hello, butlers

How are you Andy? I'm very well. Thanks. This house. How's the fringe been been for you? Well so far Andy? Andy, basically I've been up here doing a show, but also I've been hosting the BBC's Arts coverage for BBC. I'm a f***ing arts correspondent, OK? I've left the comedy behind when I got the job. They said, would I have the gravitas of famous BBC arts presenter such as Alan Yento? I've got gravitas coming out of my ass. Anyone who thinks that I'm not mature enough for that gig

can suck my dick, right? You put the ass into gravitas. And the ass into gravitas since 1985, which is, again, apologies to Andy's family. I've met some amazing people, Andy. I interviewed Percy Riot, which was a really extraordinary experience. And one of Percy riot basically was on a travel ban from the Russian government. And so in order to get to the fringe, she had to be smuggled across the border to Belarus and flown here.

And it really puts in context me complaining about the 10-minute delay on the Virgin service. LAUGHTER And other than that, I'm having a fine fringe, apart from the fact that there is a comedian called Rosie Jones, who is a good friend of mine and a complete piece of shit, because Rosie is a comedian who also has cerebral palsy, and she has discovered a fun new game over the course of this month. Whenever we're in public together, she throws herself on the floor

and chouts, help help the man from the telly pushed a disabled girl. LAUGHTER 2018, Nish walking you expect. And now to join us here on the stage, all the way from India, at the Edinburgh Friends for the first time ever, it's Anuva Pa! CHEERING Oh! Welcome, Anu Vab. Thank you, Andy. So, this is your first time here in Edinburgh doing the show Empire. We see the picture from it there. What do you make of this?

Andy, as the third century BC Roman poet, philosopher and Instagram user, Cicero said, this town is a bachelot crazy place. LAUGHTER Two nights ago, I was eating sushi, sitting next to a man, dressed as a medieval executioner with a plastic axe checking out Tinder. That's it.

Well, I mean, it was recently the anniversary of when Henry VIII swiped down on Anne Berlin, I think, wasn't it? There we go. Getting into a history-based riff with you, is like playing tennis with Roger Federer's old song. I also realised that I'm in quite sort of logistically quite a perilous position, given that we're in the middle of quite a tense, India versus England test series.

India just brought the thing back to two on. It could be quite tense. I don't know if Andy or Anna-Vab is ours going to kick off if anyone's wondering how I'll be siding in that fight I'll be siding in the same way I am in the test series very much supporting whoever's currently winning if Andy's winning it'll be Tally Ho onwards and upwards and if Anna Bob's winning it'll be Indians in the room. Norman Tebbit will be turning in his still empty grave. Is he still alive, Tebbit? Yes, this is on the outside. For those of you that know, in the 80s it was quite a big thing, the

Tebbit test, the audit you could test how British you were based on whether or not you supported the England cricket team. And bearing in mind, this was the 1980s when England lost cricket matches to countries that didn't even exist at the time. That was a tough test there as a game to Narnia, wasn't it? It was. Tumeless balls are wicking off, right? It does.

The thing with Aslan is, I don't think he's great when the ball's nipping around, but once he gets in, he gets in on a flat pitch, and he's pretty much, or am I thinking of Alistair Cook? I forget. Well anyway the point stands Right in which case a mere how far into the show are we Christian? I four hours We're gonna 80 80 minutes it's time to get into top story this week And well nish you are American president, desperately clicking through the precipices of.

Yeah, let's just pile straight into it. Top story this week, all the presidents men are going to jail. Yes. Yeah. Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! And, Donald Trump has had another tricky week. Sorry, let me just start like this. Ditto. Michael Cohen, his log time lawyer and fixer has pleaded guilty to 8 charges, including campaign

finance violations and directly implicated Trump in the hush money that was paid to various women he'd had for alleged affairs with and poor man of war, the president's former campaign chairman was convicted on eight charges of bank and tax fraud and it's not me. Well, that's not me. Well, I shouldn't it to have eight charges. Yeah, it's very good. Was then you can do a straight knockout to find out your favourite charge that you've been convicted of. The jump straight to the quarter final stage of charges.

You don't need to do some complicated repassure system. No, no, you wouldn't want to last 16. This is the summary of the situation has come from... This is a direct quote from the Guardian newspaper. The outcomes also raised grave questions about Trump's judgment. Since his election, his national security adviser, personal lawyer, campaign chairman, deputy campaign manager, and the foreign policy aid have all admitted all been convicted of crimes. But my question to that is, is that really the

thing that's raised grave questions about Trump's judgment? Or was it his decision to claim Barack Obama wasn't born in America, open a string of universities whose motto was, does anyone know the Latin for not a real university? Make stakes that were at best mainly dog and at worst predominantly feces. Or any decision Donald Trump has made at any point in his life. It wouldn't surprise me if he invested in Lehman Brothers, those Samsung phones that blew up

and the Kevin Costner film Waterworld at this point. It's absolutely extraordinary. And the big question now is, will Michael Cohen flip? Will he flip on Trump? Will he dobb him in for stuff that he's done? Is he gonna, is he gonna flip? Well, I'll let you be the judge of that when I found out this morning that Michael Cohen's lawyer talked to NPR and was asked directly a question whether he would consider being pardoned by the president and he said this, Michael Cohen would never accept a pardon from a man that he considered, considered as both corrupt and a dangerous person in the Oval Office. I'd say, Michael Cohen is going to flip to the same extent a gymnast on pancake day is going to flip. Trump is absolutely

thunder f**k. Nish and I had a quick question We in India read through the manifold charges and it was a shock to us we didn't do any of that with illegal What is an ethical campaign manager? That was a genuine question. The everyone involved has is so sketchy because even technically Michael Cohen is acting

like he's about to do an act of public service, but he's just set something up called the Michael Cohen Truth Fund which has been set up as a GoFundMe page with the goal of raising $500,000 so that Michael Cohen can afford to tell the truth. And in unrelated news, I'm setting up a fund to stop me from shitting in the street. And the Nishkumar NoShit fund is available on Shitstarter right now. I mean, do we think, I mean, is Trump in genuine trouble now? Because it seems, he does seem sort of bullet proof, so, of course, isn't he? I mean, there's that famous old saying isn't there?

If you throw enough shit at a wall, some of it will stick. Aristotle, I believe it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was, Aristotle. But none of this is work with Trump, has it? Because the problem with Trump is he is not a wall. He is a volcano of shit. And if you throw shit at a volcano of shit,

what you end up with is an indesernably larger volcano of shit. And if people have wanted to start a happy living on a volcano of shit, then it's mainly different, isn't it? Yeah, it's hard to think of what he could do at this point, short of defecating on the declaration of independence. Are they trying to tidy it up by masturbating on it? Again, so many apologies to Andy's family at this point. He also, the problem with Trump is that he's so obviously guilty because of all of the things he doesn't say. He's wrong, judge people and what they do in sailing. This is exactly the tweet.

This is exactly the tweet I was going to talk about. He's tweeted, if anyone is looking for a good lawyer, I would strongly suggest that you don't retain the services of Michael Cohen. I'm pretty sure his next tweet was in unrelated news. Does anyone know the number of a good lawyer? Because I am in next level shit. In Fennestown gentlemen it is a sensible point if your lawyer is in

prison you're probably better off with going with another lawyer who's outside prison. Anabab is like meeting John Grisham you're a legal expert. I guess that's a bit like going to a hospital to have a major operation and having a surgeon who just has an open wound in their stomach that is gushing blood all over the floor. It's a bad sign, baby, it is a bad sign. I mean, did Trump lie about this? Yes. Did he merely tell 100 percent?

He is lying about everything. Did he merely tell a made up truth? Um. I mean, I don't know. The question is now, will this lead to Donald Trump being impeached? And the answer to that is quite simply, f***ing no, because that would require some will or action from the Republican Party. It would require them to actually vote him out.

And also, I think I've said this before, but at the end of the day, what about the Trump presidency so far? Suggest that this is going to end conventionally. What about the Trump presidency? Well, even if they impeach him, he's not going to leave. Why do you think he's going to be like Fair Cop? Fair result, I accept it. Referees decision is final.

This does not end with him sort of standing outside sort of like all other presidents. But this ends with him, like King Kong, on the roof of the White House as a phalanx of biplanes flies along the lawn of 1600 pencil vanier avenue firing indiscriminately with Melania in one hand and him just screaming, I regret nothing as he goes down. Well, his lawyer, gentlemen, did have an issue with the definition of truth. Yes. So this was let's get Rudy Giuliani back up on the screen there, a long term bugle favourite

to do contribute to his 2008 presidential campaign. If you can, never say no, and never give up the hope, let the light of hope shine on. So, yes, Annabelle explaining this, I mean, this was quite, I mean, it impressed, truth has taken an absolute, absolute kick. I mean, there's a lot of things up to add a really tough time in recent years. Truth nuance, nuance has taken an absolute fucking kicking in recent years. And I think, I mean, it's really, nuance is going to have to start promoting itself far more strongly and stridently, or at risk that it could just fade away into nothingness.

Correct. Yeah, it's really truth, nuance, women and black people that are really copying the brunt of the front president. That's the title of your Edinburgh show, isn't it? Ah! Ah! Well, he was on CNBC, and I think, and when asked, you know, this is the objective truth, Rudy Giuliani, who is his lawyer outside prison?

One has to clarify. He did say, Andi Nish, the truth doesn't always have to be the truth. And from where I'm from, if you believe in reincarnation, the truth doesn't always have to be the truth. And from where I'm from, if you believe in reincarnation, the truth could return as a unicyclist, called Pedro. The truth could be your aunt, Romila, or the truth could in fact be lies. So it depends on, this is quite sounding like an event in the Edinburgh French festival Truth the various forms of truth. So there might be some some credibility to what you say right the truth doesn't always have to be the truth Like one son could also be not one son Maybe it's a more flexible fluid water type situation. I mean at times like this

I do lean on my Hindu upbringing on a buff because if there is a sort of Hindu version of the afterlife is correct then Trump is going to be reincarnated as I mean I don't know one of the students at his own university like I'm trying to think of what an appropriate punishment for Trump would be someone else's implausible to pay like a vagina like that might be the key. I don't really know what the appropriate punishment would be. Actually, I do know the appropriate punishment. He needs to go to jail now.

LAUGHTER Um, Giuliani, well, there's an extraordinary story. So the host chuck Todd said truth is truth, and Giuliani responded, truth isn't truth. Which is kind of playground level philosophy I guess. And he said, it's not like whether Trump will testify and he said, I'm not going to be rushed into having him testify so he can be trapped into perjury. Now, there is, I'm not an expert on this, but there is quite an easy way to avoid being trapped into perjury and that is by not lying in court. I mean, it seems almost too obvious. I mean, it's less easy, I guess,

if you're, for example, a congenital liar. But, I mean, this is like someone taking me to a hamshop in Spain to trap me into breaking the kosher laws. I hold them entirely responsible for me, incurring the wrath of the Almighty by stuffing my face with plate after plate of sweet tender melt in the mouth so good it can't possibly be bad can it cured meats. Oh yeah. Truly one of the worst dreams of all time. What's your open up negotiation on the truth, right? And where I'm from, we do that usually with bribery. But when you open that door, then anything is possible. You could stand in front of the Supreme Court when they're impeaching you and say,

that's your version of the law. Now, I don't know if you're fake news fans. That's a lie. I don't know if you're frustrated by the relentless fakery of news. Frustrated that you cannot possibly know what is really going on in this famous planet of ours or searching for some oasis of truth in the desert of manipulation that is the contemporary political news media. If so, then bad luck.

You're f***ing screwed. Give up and instead take back control of the lies you're being told with the bugle fake your own news kit. All you need is a newspaper, a printer and some other paper. And you can make the news much more like you want it to be. Now, I don't know if you're, you know, I think we're probably mostly against Brexit here. That generally tends to be the case at bugle gigs, particularly at the Edinburgh Festival.

Um, about you, Ramona Twats. I'm not kidding. I'm out of candy sugar. I'm with Kenny Rogers in the Jewel. I think it's just... I'm not going to talk to you. Just fled over... fled over over the iron curtain in 72. Oh my God, Andy, I think I've just come up with my drag name.

Ramona Twa. Watch out, RuPaul. I'm covered for you. So here's some fake news if you're worried about the amount of money Brexit will supposedly cost Britain we've heard the scare mongering stories, £50 billion. Why don't you just make up your own fake news to make it better? Wild joy on streets as Britain signs £51 billion trade deal with Bolivia. We are £1 billion in credit there, people.

Government claims nice people will benefit most from agreement as El Gherkins, trampolines, novelty dancing, novelty dancing, porcelain vickers, grannies, baguetesticals and warships, two landlocks out of American nation. La Paz drops demand for Prince Harry to marry President Morales' daughter after palace promises commemorative detail

left over from his wedding to American Markle. And Britain in top one, greatest nations in the universe, claimed scientists. So it goes on here, if you're not a Trump fan, Trump trapped in White House garden shed by giant mechanical dragonfly. That makes it all better, doesn't it? President fled to 1864, structure put up by Abraham Lincoln to house collection of toy

lawnmowers after being attacked by furious cauliflower, responding to Twitter claim that all vegetables are evil shit back. And here we go, obsession with sport, a sign of infantile approach to life, fear of response, what the f*** is this? And just quickly for money week here, if you point at the birch it on your car window and say it's a currency, no one can tell you otherwise. Screams George Soros at Builderburg Karaoke Night. Of course it's real currency and it's shit coin. Boom, there we go!

You hang around the bugle long enough, that will happen. It is contagious. And also, your money is worth whatever it sells, self-identifit is being worth to buy yourself a jacuzzi, a dolphin, a creative beer, and enjoy yourself. That's a special article by Philip Hammond on Post-Osterity Britain. Right, let's move on now to Asia News and our Asia correspondent today is the one who's not abandoned his continent. Sorry, I'm a creature of my time, Brexit means Brexit. Now Now I'm... Anu Vappers are the Bugles Asia correspondent. What's the...

The big news from Asia this week? Well, as the sole representative of 3.5 billion people, I'd like to report that Ikea, the Swedish furniture giant, opened a store in India following which immediately there was a stampede and and I know Andy an issue had a number of questions why there was a stampede it is because in in my culture we try to reduce the difference between the Billy bookcase and the movie Billy the Kid. So, India is the largest maker of second hand furniture. We do the largest amount of second hand furniture assembly in the world.

If you brought over two cricket bats, we'd make you a bed. So, I think the Stampede was to see what the competition would look like. Right, presumably if there was a Stampede and I care about four hours later, the Stampede reached exactly where it had started from, where everyone's thinking, I just bought myself a spatula. I mean, as far as I know, everyone enters I care in a good mood and exits in a bad mood, so presumably if you go in and it's that awful life. Sorry, this, I'm sorry. No, I actually forgot what I was going to say. I enjoyed that joke. What an anti-hecal from me on Zoltzmann. Good work, mate. I saw that the restaurant will be serving the traditional IKEA menu of meatballs,

but it will also be serving a chicken biryani, which is I cannot emphasise the extent to which that is the most Indian shit I've ever heard in my entire life because when I was growing up at Christmas dinner, there would be a traditional Christmas dinner, and also a pork vindaloo because, and I remember asking my father why that was there, and my dad said, because if it's's not there I'll be blocked up for a week. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Sensible. I care Indian knows its target audience.

Pukk Vindalua Christmas. You're a worse Jew than me, Nisha. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So I really united the world, bigotry. There's an exciting... In some other sensational Asian news, and this's the Asian news that really grabbed me this week

Pakistan has a new prime minister Imran Khan the 22nd prime minister of Pakistan ironically many there are now enough Prime Minister's of Pakistan past and present to pick two cricket teams and Imran Khan would obviously be the captain because he is the greatest cricketer Pakistan as ever produced and he is now, Prime Minister, Imran Khan, he's a politician, cricketer, philanthropist, cricketer, cricketer, writer, icon, cricketer and former cricketer and he follows a string of Prime Minister's of Pakistan who have not played international cricket. And he, of course, you don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that he holds the record to a best test bowling average over a 33 test sequence. 15.6 for any numbers fans in.

And he said this to move forward, now obviously with the relationship of an Indian Pakistan. He's very spicy. He's a fascinating character in Ron Khan. He said to move forward, Indian Pakistan must have dialogue and resolve their conflicts. Well, Imran could have sent a better example

when he had the chance instead of decimating the England Indian batting line up in the 1982-83 test series in which he took 40 wickets at an average of 13. So he's changed his tune over the years. I mean, it's not like having a celebrity take charge of a new career power as any caused any other problems recently. LAUGHTER I mean, it's quite interesting.

I mean, Imran Khan shifted careers. His first career was a cricket or a second career was marrying people in England. And he's now moved to his third career politician. And one of his first announcements, Nishandhi, is an austerity move. The prime minister of Pakistan is allowed slash given, uh, 40 servants. And he has decided that as an austere monastic,

almost Buddhist person, he will manage with 12th. LAUGHTER Which I think is an embarrassment, really. Well, I mean, 12, that's a cricket team and a 12 man. 12, so I mean, yeah, he's more on it, he is. How did you keep a 400? How do you keep a 400? How'd you keep a 400-cricut of squad happy?

You know what I'm going to love? Very disappointed people. I would honestly pay so much money to get hold of the transcripts of your GCSE maths exam. I could only imagine the number of questions where you put the answer and then immediately did a second bonus answer to work out how many cricket teams that could have made Well, Imran did say that it was shameful that the Prime Minister's House had 524 staff 524 of course is what you get if you add up Imran's total test wickets plus His highest test score is a batsman plus his total number of five wicket halls in test matches

Then add the number of times he captained Pakistan on a tour of England. That's 524. Then you can multiply it by the number of man of the match awards. He won in test cricket 11 and then divide it by the number of players in a cricket team, also 11. And then times it by the number of people still listening to this, which is one. Me. Andy, just highly possibly came across this statistic and decided I'm going to reduce the number of servants I should.

Can I just say it's important that the bugle is now how the preparation for this thing comes together. About ten minutes before Andy went, shit, I've got to write the intro. And I thought, I wonder what Andy's been doing with his time. And now we know what he's been doing with his time. Nish, what makes you think that took time? It's got a lot of big challenges as Prime Minister of Pakistan, they're dealing with corruption, national debt poverty. But then when you've led a team to a cricket world cup win from an apparently hopeless position, as Imran did in 1992, after Pakistan, of course, had lost three of their first five games and only one of them.

Then, frankly, you can do anything. So, um, I mean, it's interesting, there are a number of sports stars that have gone into politics, George Wayer, former football coach, president of Liberia. Of course, before that Lyndon B. Johnson went from winning bronze medal in the World Junior Under on Squalchy Championships of 1927, 72 in a minute, awesome stuff to US president. But who could be next? I mean, I would like to see, I mean, the possibilities tennis star and current world number 32 Maria Sakari.

Could she be the woman to take the Greek economy out of its post bailout funk? Maybe world number 108 golfer Jamie Lovemark could be the man to reunify divided United States or Spanish dark crystal rares could use his mathematical skills to get the Spanish economy back from its permaciesta. Or maybe even Rockham, Rockham Metney Club Crim, the Slovenian women's handball league champions could solve the Middle East crisis and end all war. I guess when you've won the Slovenian league 23 years out of 27, not to mention 20 consecutive Slovenian cup triumphs,

then you need new frontiers to conquer. When do you have time to raise your children? What children? Yes! Who do you think does my fucking research? We'll move on now to a special bugle, LAUGHTER LAUGHTER MUSIC We're on now to a special bugle economic section. Now we have a special guest for you today.

This is the first time we've ever had a third guest on the bugle, a very fine comedian and genuine financial journalist. And also my current flatmate here in Edinburgh, please give a bugle welcome to Dominic Frisbee! Welcome Fris. Now Dominic you have been officially appointed the Bugle's Financial News Correspondent. Okay and because I economics, I don't understand it, and I sincerely hope to die that way in continued ignorance of economics.

I mean, for me, for me, from the wrong dominate, but to me, economics is fundamentally the art of telling you exactly what's going to happen and then explaining what it didn't. Now, would you disagree with that, or sir? I would not disagree with a single word. That the art of economics is not only telling you what's going to happen, it's telling you what's going to happen in such a way that nobody quite understands what you're saying. So it's basically very much like being a doctor before a major operation. Similar, but it's more significant if you're wrong.

Oh, I assume you're a doctor, that is. So let's, I mean, the global economy is everyone's, everyone's, fans of the global economy here. A lot of global economy skettletics in the crowd. How are the markets doing in general for you? Well, there's a lot of fear out there at the moment. A lot of uncertainty, a lot of uncertainty, a lot of doubt, a lot of paranoia, which is kind of normal in environments where people do so much cocaine.

And what do you say I mean, we're always looking for the big trends in the global economy, what's going on right now? Well, the big trend, there's a big trend, it's been American strength. The US stock markets have been really strong, especially when considered on a relative basis. The US dollar's been extremely strong. And I've been trying to work out why that is. And I think it's basically because nobody has got

the faintest idea where else the fuck to put their money. It really is, everywhere else is just a mess at the moment. And how much credit can Donald Trump take for any of this? Well, all of it. No, he did say America first and much to the anger of Guardian readers all over the world or seven of them. he has delivered on that. Right, I mean, the thing is, Dominic, we are here at a bugle recording at a festival. We're in a lot of very, very comfortable reassuring bubbles. I'm not entirely comfortable, you come in here with your needles,

I'm entirely comfortable with you coming in here with your needles, of economics, and trying to prick them. What about Brexit? Now, I'll take a quick straw poll here. Give me a cheer if you're in favour of Remain. And give me a cheer if you're in favour of Leave. Yeah! LAUGHTER So, I mean, just let... Just me on that one.

I mean, how... I mean, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what the f*** are you thinking? Dominic, do, do you think the pound will ever fall to a level where we will get the good old days of butter back? It'll be, it'll be rate that. But no, I mean, no, is the answer. And you can talk, the Rupees hardly been that strong. That's correct, I just exchanged my cousin for a goat's sword., given our lack of trade opportunities, it might not be ideal to be nicely to the one representative of the emerging global superpower. But if I don't think we should be absolutely being like Anavab, great to see you. Any chance we can get a little trade deal, please?

Can you have a word with your people? And having said that, I have a very good idea on where people can invest Dominic. Oh, yeah. For my years of researchers and economists, have you heard of subprime mortgages? I own a few. Big area. Big area.

Untapped. In my case, in Calcutta or in the past. Specifically, yeah. OK. I have a quick question for Dominic on this idea of corruption, because it's very fluid, depending on where you are in the world. I was reading in newspapers that a couple of ministers

were fired for using a credit card from her Majesty's government on a Sri Lanka government trip. For 5,000 pounds, they had overspent, a private expense on the government credit card from her Majesty's government on a Sri Lanka government trip. For five thousand pounds they had overspent, a private expense on the government credit card. They were fired. About a year ago, an Indian minister went into up by printing the money. These are just facts. There's no joke here. Isn't that quantitative easy?

I think I have my answer. There's no joke here. Isn't that quantitative easing? LAUGHTER I think I had my answer. Like Spin Bowlers, no one does corruption quite like India. It's an art form niche. It's an art form, beyond belief. The... I mean, it must have been baffling as an Indian, an advocacy, our corruption scandal, here when we basically jailed MPs for stealing £10,000 of parliamentary expenses. In between of if an Indian MP stole £10,000 of parliamentary

expenses, he'd be praised for saving the Indian state £9,990,000. He would be embarrassed. I'd add the minuscule scale of corruption. So we kind of crockered all down the on it. That's not corruption. This is corruption. We need to, we want Dominic Fritzby ladies and gentlemen, the Bill Eccanolic correspondent, providing some views on the other side. Respect for him.

APPLAUSE Any... I think we're out of time. It's time to do. Oh, right. Okay, then we're not quite out of time, but we are very nearly out of time. Um, so, um, well, just one final piece of news. There's been, yeah, I mean, so sorry. Rick, but for people who, I imagine the next sort of two to three minutes are going to be borderline inexplicable to the poor individuals who had no idea what they were getting into.

And can't understand why people are egging on a grown man as he plows the gig into the gutter. It's been, it's been interesting news this week regarding cats, and I'm not about, as New York is pondering a cat licensing law after a rabid cat bit a human. Scientists have also, in other cat news, this claim they've discovered that cat's whiskers are 95% imaginary. And Boris Johnson, the former Foreign Secretary, apparently sacrificed an eight, a basket of kittens, smeared the blood all over his face and screamed, bruffles made me do it. To rapturous applause from an audience of staunchly pro-Brexit mice. I don't know anything a lot about cats, so I had a friend who used to... He had this bizarre obsession, he was a kleptomaniac, used to steal different breeds of cat. He very quickly became a Persian of interest.

Oh! Oh! Ah! Oh! I'm very proud of himself too. I asked him, are you this cat stealer that they talk about on the news? He admitted it and claimed that Moro was the top cat stealer around. He said, yes, I am easily the best of that. He spent all the money he got from stealing these cats, collecting the artworks of American Avon God Modern Artists, particularly one famous

for his kits sculptures in marrying an Italian porn star. He bought his giant puppy made of flowers, he bought the erotic pictures of him and his wife, he bought the balloon rabbit, most of the artists' key works. Yes, he had all the main coons, pieces. I don't even understand that one. I mean, I wasn't that, I don't know many different breeds of cat. And I did have the resources, so that's the main cuners, a well-known breed of cat apparently, it's one of the top 10 in the world.

Do you want to know that? Oh, good, there you go. Anyway, you've got a part, I'm still unpushing of interest. LAUGHTER I may know him. Ha ha ha ha. He went into theatre after that. He got a point on a stage version of the jungle book

playing a bear for a runner at a theatre in Moscow. Turned out, he was a very good Russian ballroom. That's what I'm talking about. And usually you're sure. All this is illustrating to me is that I know nothing about cats. I mean, either. Ha ha ha. And he used to quote nothing about cats. I mean, either.

And I used to quote Shakespeare as well. Oh, yeah, there's a full other page. Full other page of it. Yep. Tabby or not tabby. Yes, I do. Oh, that's a f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f*** f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f*** And this kind of stuff doesn't always go down very well with audiences or indeed venues. Some of them really hate it and won't add me back. So I don't know if Abyssinia next year. Yeah.

Okay. Alright. Okay. Alright, I'll back on board. That is very good. They certainly didn't like it when I did the Lowry Centre in Sorford. They hated it, the manks. I'm pretty much done. They certainly didn't like it when I did the Lowry Centre in Solford. They hated it the manks. LAUGHTER

No, I'm pretty much done. I'm only doing breeze of house cat rather than big cats too. I ain't lying. That was a lot of puns. That was a lot of puns. Sorry, none of this flows. There are no links. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

Right, I think we've cut out quite a lot for you, and this is not complaining. Right, the way I'd done, that is the end of the bugle. Thanks enormously to the Stan Comedy Club and the New Town Theatre for having us this year. If you want to see my one man show, it is on until Sunday afternoon, 3 o'clock in Stan 3. Nish, are you sold out? In any year? Yes. Yes, don't go and see Nish. But please come and see me on tour, especially, and I cannot... I've said this about four times on the bugle. If there's only people who know, 500 people in Darlington,

and they could get buying tickets, that would be greatly appreciated, because Ed's getting closer and closer. Anu Vabe is on at 7pm in the Pleasant. I'm in the Pleasant in a shipping container. It fits 50 people to show about the British Empire. That's about the number of people that remember the British Empire. There we go. Well, after what? Hi!

What was that? That was unusual. I don't know if you heard that. I was so much having you were great. It's quite unusual actually to receive a positive heckle in comedy. We're not trained to deal with that. I'm as hard to know what kind of cup I had a cup of tea with your mum. I mean, it doesn't lack to be. Langs a bit of fruit, isn't it?

Anyway, thank you very much for coming. We'll see you all next year. Best of producer, Nishkirma Adora Pao, good night. Thank you.