The Bugle - Bugle 4111 - Not Enough Kicking

Episode Date: June 8, 2019

Andy Is joined by Alice and Anuvab in London for a tour of the world's news. We take in everything from Australian journalist Raids, Presidential visits and Cat De-Clawing to Cricket being under attended but sold out and Female CPR dummies. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugleers! And welcome to issue 4111 of the Bugle coming to you as is soft in the case in the form of sound waves, powered by Sonorax, ancient God of Sound. Do you like sound or so does the Bugle, so why not sacrifice 100 head of oxygen to Sonorax

to make the Bugle sound even better? And what better place to commit the holy slaughter than on a bugle endorsed a Blato Tech 3D Insta-Altar, your own collapsible altar that packs down to the size of a large sports hold-all, now with added soundproofing and faster drainage. To get your Insta-Altar with a 5% discount and your first three oxen, absolutely free,

plus a complimentary eSword to slay or offering whilst live streaming implications to the deity of your choice. Go to the Oblato Tech website and use the code, Sloth, your head off. Sorry, I know we're not really supposed to be running ads anymore, but sometimes it offers simply too good. Welcome to the bugle. I'm Andy Zoltzman and we're here in London to chronicle every single relevant moment in the universe over the last week or so.

And I'm joined, firstly, by the woman who only has to look at an exotic bird to turn it into a mortal enemy for all humankind. It's the hemisphere hopper herself, the one woman comedic tribute to the American penal system in that she's not afraid of unnecessarily long sentences. It's Alice Fraser. Hello, Andy. Hello, Buglers. Hello, other mystery guest.

How are you? Very well. Welcome back to the, uh, Bueglers, hello, other mystery guests, how are you? Very well, thank you. Welcome back to the correct side of the equator. I am very happy to be back and I've come back in time for some real good sunshine and sudden rain. Yeah, well you're in the right place for that. It's made me very happy. Also, my twin brothers, wives maternity leave is finishing, so they're following me back with the baby. So there's nothing wrong in my life. Ha ha ha. Sounds like they are pursuing you with the baby they want to dispose.

It's all ever wanted. Also joining us today in London, it's the yeast from the east. And in that he always rises to the occasion and comes from east of here. It's Anuvaab Pal. Hello Andy, hello. Also if you put him in cool dark

space he lost a thousand years. I'm going to get a east from these pal T-shirt. Give it to every family member. Welcome to London. Thank you Adi. I thought it would be a unique visit in the summer. I would be the only person visiting. But I just recently heard from the British Consolition Mumbai that there is a 2000% increase in a demand for visas. As apparently we as a nation are filling up your cricket stadiums. Yes, well, I might touch on this later on, filling up in the sense that the stadiums are sold out and about three quarters full. So I was in Southampton yesterday for India's first game of the cricket

World Cup for a non-cricutous listness. We will be covering the World Cup through the pupils on the summer as well as on the unbelieveable podcasts that I'm also doing. And total sell out this game, weeks and weeks in advance, and about three quarters full. So I don't have people just too excited by the prospects of cricket now to just lie down in a dark and aircraft hanger. Well, I think cricket watching is a very prestigious activity. So they might be doing it for the people just too excited by the prospects of cricket now to just lie down in a darkened aircraft hangar. I think cricket watching is a very prestigious activity. So they might be doing it for the Instagram likes,

just taking a picture of their ticket and then not bothering going because they're actually like cricket. Yeah, I mean, people have always been doing that to my stand-up shows, certainly. I'm also joining us, stepping in for Chris, who is currently a little in-disposed due to his wife having had another baby, not for the first time. Well, for the first time she had another one, not the first one she's had a baby. So, if I have any maths fans out,

you can probably work out how many children they now have. It's Rich, hello Rich. Hello Andy, hello, Bueglers, hello, mystery guests who have been disclosed. Yeah, no longer mystery guests, and of our power, I didn't want to reveal you because I wanted you to have the full spectacle of walking down the red carpet. We have a red carpet in here. That's correct. And also being known as the yeast from the yeast. It's Buegl issue 4111, also incidentally the exact words in a slightly awkward conversation just a couple of days ago between Donald Trump and the Queen for one one one. We are recording on the 6th of June 2019 75 years since D day, a day which proved pivotal in paving the way for a world that could move beyond nationalism, isolationism and unnecessary conflict towards international collaboration and cooperation in a European content that would always work

together towards a better future. So thanks to all involved as always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin. This week, in the bin, a section advising you how to cut down on your unnecessary plastics use. Tip 1. Try to avoid buying plastic wrapped food in supermarkets by tearing the plastic off before you get to the checkout. The supermarkets will then be able to reuse the plastic onto morrow's food. When recreating great battles of the medieval era, do not use little plastic bottles of shampoo or shower gel stolen from hotels to represent the divisions of the competing

armies, use bidegradable exotic fruits instead, flown in from around the world, to give you a visually arresting and aromatic battlefield. When getting married. parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots of parrots, and a parrots of parrots of parrots, and a parr into your local harbour, in a traditional gesture of good luck and long-lasting love. Do not do that. Also, in the cake, instead of eggs, use coal. For every lump of coal you eat, is a lump of coal, someone else is not burning. And further, plastic reductions advice, don't wrap all your coins and banknotes individually in cellophane to avoid leaving fingerprints on them, in case the government want to track your spending, just use gloves. And final piece of plastic reduction advice, don't bother buying imitation plastic cockroaches to leave lying around your kitchen when unwanted friends and unloved relatives pop round for tea.

Instead, carve them out of bits of driftwood, humanely collected from a consenting beach. So that's five ways to reduce plastic use. That's going in the bin. Top story this week, the world. Well, my world for the last week and indeed the next five weeks is largely consumed with covering the cricket world cup. So, frankly, I'm a little bit behind on what's been happening in the real world, or as I also like to know it, the less good world. Luckily, I have two people with me who are correspondence for the rest of the world on behalf of the bugle. Alice, firstly, what's caught your eye in the world this week? In Australia, the Federal Police have raided the ABC News Building and are accessing

scanning and reviewing thousands of documents in a hunt for sources and data linked to state secrets about sweeping new surveillance measures. It's the biggest attack on press freedom in Australian history. Director of News Gohan Mara said journalism is not a crime to which the Australian Federal Police probably said not yet before twirling them as stars and settings and books on fire. It's quite interesting story. It is possibly linked to the return of the ABC Unbelievable Cricket podcast featuring the Infolicity Award. I'm over here, Suckers, you'll never take me alive. And I guess, you know, there's a lot of, you know, questions whether there needs to be

greater protection for whistleblowers in Australia. I mean, I guess the thing is, you know, when everyone who has evidence of high level wrongdoing is going to simply put it in the public domain, then it's going to be so hard for governments to suppress public knowledge of all the corruption. Where will that leave us? I mean, it'll leave us in a bad way, Andy. They also rated the home of newscorp journalist Anika Smithist, who reported on government

plans to spy on its own citizens in a story that included images from a top secret document and the headline tomorrow will read massive explosion of painful irony kills hundreds, hundreds of years of developing a fourth estate. Andy Alice, I have a question. As you know, it is my job and spot cast to bring the perspective of deceit and treachery into into any existing institution. So journalism, I think you guys had done a good job with it for a couple of hundred years. Now, what they've done in India is that billionaires have bought up most of the news channels. So what this would be, and the billionaires that have bought up the news channels basically also spend a lot of money owning the government. So when a government raids a news organization,

they're basically going into their office in the evening. So is that something that can be done with street broadcasts like the BBC and ABC? I mean, we're open to corruption. Okay. Here at the bugle at the very least. Come on, bride me. I dare you to. Yeah. And we are literally taking bribes in the form of our voluntary subscription scheme. But you know, if you just leave us some money, no questions asked. I will tell a lot about you on the show. So, fundamentally undermining the whole point of journalism. I enjoy that satirical element that I hadn't yet noticed. Andy, well done.

Scott Morrison, your God-given pro minister, very much a politician who's face, and indeed politics, exude the Jouada Viva and humanity of a molding potato, was asked if he was concerned that a journalist's home was raided, and he said, it never troubles me that our laws are being upheld. So exactly how sinister did you find that, the old Prime Minister said those were, I guess it depends on, I mean, he didn't say it in a German accent, so how many could have been worse, couldn't it?

He didn't demand papers first, which is my bar for entry, but I just constantly maintain in my mind the mantra that he shat himself in a McDonald's in Angadine in 1997, whether it's true or not, it makes everything seem safer. Another bit of Australian news that I mean, he this builds up a picture of a nation that's I guess got, you know, a few things it could work on from an objective point of view. Australia was criticised in a UN report this week for detaining a blind mentally ill Tamil man who had fled persecution and torture in Sri Lanka for nine years. They detained him for nine years. And I guess, you know, I'm

in Australia clearly, he likes to get tough on immigration because the thing is if you let in one blind mentally ill Tamil man who's fleeing persecution and torture, you're going to be inundated with millions and millions of blind mentally ill Tamil men fleeing persecution and torture, taking all your jobs, stealing all your women and selling all your natural resources to one of the hands below with these billionaires. And then where would you be as a nation? Well, Andy, I will answer that accusation by saying, look, a koala! This is the first time what a battery has led to a marsupial. Anivab, what's top story in your world?

Well, Andy, I was reading The New York Times. I don't know on the pet, but I know a lot of people in the Western world do. And The New York Times had a headline that there's a new law that's been passed that says cat decloing is now illegal in the state of New York. Right.

You cannot declaw a cat. OK. And my understanding of this seems to be that this is a question of consent. Right, right? Like if someone cut my fingernails without my knowledge, I don't see myself being friends with that person in the long run.

And I don't have any of your cat owners is decloing a thing, is it a? First of all, cats are not friends with anyone. Ha ha ha ha. Testify. So it was a bipartisan bill, they put it through. It needs to be reviewed and signed by the governor and Andrew Cuomo before it becomes law. And unless he's recently been the subject

of a cat attack, it is likely to go through. I'm torn about it, Andy, because on one hand, I wouldn't let a person sit that close to my groin with a handful of knives. And if cats want to live among humans. Maybe they should do some cultural integration and learn the fucking language. On the other hand, I do think Cat owners probably deserve a ball sack full of poor daggers for the impact, so their little murder pets

have on native wildlife. And then also from a Jewish perspective, when we're given a small helpless being in trust, I feel we are probably entitled to take the tip off anything we can reach. But also, I empathise with the suffering of a cat being declared, what if they get itchy or suddenly need to claw someone's eyes out? What happens to me on the way home from comedy gigs all the time? It's not itchy.

I think this should be in the law. Exactly what Alex said. It should be in the actual statute. I mean, I just see it's bloody animal rights, lobby interfering, but wherever next, you know, they're going to stop me ripping the claws off my cat. They're going to make me take the alloy wheels off my rhino and the big base subwoofer out of my elephant.

So I pimped my packer down, which is probably the TV show that has changed my life the most. Now, look, I do, I do get it. Nelly the elephant. I do get it. If you have a cat, because it's a total, we don't really do, I don't know we do cat decloring in this country. I've not had, my parents had cats when I was a kid, but I didn't much like them. The parents or the cat? Exactly.

Potato potato. But it's not an awesome we do over here. And I guess, you know, as you say, if you do have a cat, then it is likely that your cat is a bit of a dick. And you might want to take some measures to stop it clawing your eyes out when it starts to starve your infantile doggy impressions. But there are alternatives

on that to decloring. For example, don't get a cat or leave the cat with its claws on and learn to live with it. Or if you're worried about your furniture and clothes getting snagged, which appears to be one of the main reasons people get their cats declured. If you're worried about your furniture, but you really like cats, get a robot cat with sensors in its legs, that instantaneously retracts its claws whenever a snagable fabric is detected, or just get a watermelon instead, which doesn't have claws, but is in its own way quite comforting to hold in your lap.

I'm told. And I guess one of the benefits of decloring a cat is it does make it much harder for your cats to pick locks. So your possessions are safer, Never ever trust a cat. Have you ever looked deep into a cat's eyes? Never, never trust a cat. Onwards in World News 3 Men in Boston are taking it on themselves to act as representatives of all embarrassing people everywhere by applying for a license for a straight pride parade. The organizer, Marks, had he wrote in a Facebook comment that the event will celebrate heterosexuality

and is meant to poke fun at the identity politics of the political left. There is a particular kind of person in the world, Andy, who thinks the best way to poke fun at something is to apply for a license to do it. They've designed a flag, they've designated actor Brad Pitt as their mascot, though I don't know what Brad Pitt thinks about this honor, but apparently the parade will include floats and vehicles, which I take leave to seriously doubt. We are going to have a straight-pride parade promise. It's about as likely to come true as the, hey, let's catch up for a coffee promise, which is to say about as likely as the promise of mind blowing head. You've got big dreams, mate, but I doubt your skill at

mustering sufficient enthusiasm for this will be fulfilling for anyone involved. I mean, I have limited understanding of gay and straight history, but it is safe to say that there was never large periods in history where straight people were imprisoned and electrocuted and shot for being straight. Well, we don't know that. I mean, because when you look at the history of evolution, I mean, it did take humans a long, long time, a suspiciously long time to evolve, which suggests to me that all the heterosexuals were being covertly imprisoned and prevented from breeding for arguably millions and millions of years. Yeah, we don't know what happened to the dinosaurs really do we?

Yeah, maybe that's why the dinosaurs died out, all those rampantly heterosexual dinosaurs like the T-Rex and the Steggosaurus. You don't get much more heterosexual than that. Yeah, where are they now? One great big gay asteroid, wipe the lot out. So if anything, this is, this has come up and this has dissolved. This is, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. I just think this is going to be a bit of a dart of a, you know how there's quite often these neo-nazi marches and there's like eight people

in very frumpy clothes walking down the street while people walk alongside them blowing sad trombones. I think it's going to be like that. I put my money on it being something like that. Well that is what heterosexual pride is all about, sad trombones. In other exciting news, there's been a huge breakthrough well, gender relations, Alice, and medical equipment. Can you just talk us through this, this huge moment in the, the advance of gender equality? Yes, the first female CPR dummy is now available, although, weirdly, female sex dolls have been around since the use by Dutch sailors in the 17th century, CPR dummies have been traditionally male, or at least while thankfully painless, masculinely shaped with boobless kendol chests.

Following a recent study by Dr Audrey Bluer, which found that women suffering from cardiac arrest in public are 27% less likely than men to receive CPR, and New York-based creative agencies has created the first ever attachment, designed to convert a standard CPR dummy into a female version. I think it's very exciting. The research determined that the traditional Kendall chest training protocol led to an uncertainty about how to perform CPR on, well,

anyone other than Zach Efron, but more particularly about how to perform CPR around the heart attacky chest of an in boobled rib cage How do I perform heart palpitations without mashing her boobs? Can you even electrocute a heart through all that tit with the zappy thing? The women have hearts or is it just three boobs with one on the inside? Oh, yeah Four it does I mean if this is obviously, you know,

it's arguably overdue, but, I mean, it is rather stepping in after God has clearly decided to punish women for even stealing the apple from Pandora lunchbox or whatever it was. But it does raise the question, you know, if we're going to have female CPR dummies, when are we going to get the first male practice womb? Because it's always women who get the advantages and obstetrics and I'm f**king sick of it.

Economics news now and bad news for India and Evab. No longer the world's fastest growing economy, devastating news. Yeah, a couple of economic stories and apparently in India, we've just realised that after a while, you just can't make up your GDP. Right. Apparently, it's an actual calculated number whose accuracy is checked by some people called economists. No one told us this. I didn't know it was a thing. So apparently, we've been saying we're growing at 9%, but apparently facts

and independent verification says we're growing only at 5.8%. So who do you believe? Us saying this is what's happening or numbers? Well, from a fact, we've got a very bad rep over the recent years. Exactly. Well, I don't see any problem with that. I mean, that's essentially what the entire Brexit debate was based on was pretend numbers, real numbers. And that is a fight that no one can win. Correct.

Other than the pretend numbers. Who won? The winner is Lies. And Dr. Dr. Das, Saktikant Das, who is the head of our RBI, came out and said, it's a question of perspective. We're looking at the GDP a certain way and foreign economists are looking at it in a different way and maybe we can meet but who knows. And I think that's what I like about mathematics. It's never specific. It's vague, two is, who's perspective is it?

Also, I mean, in terms of growth, this whole stat of fastest growing economy, which was trumpeted a lot in Britain as well, the fastest growing economy in Europe. But that was, we only managed to achieve that because we tanked our economy like a Titanic into an iceberg. So therefore, we had the opportunity for it to grow fast. So in many ways, actually, this is something that's a great achievement for a new to have been one of the fastest growing economies in the world, but you've actually got us Brits to think about for essentially stealing all your resources and and in polishing you in the first place that gave you the opportunity then to grow to grow.

There was some extraordinary statistic that came up in our, when we were doing that radio series, yes, last year about some Indian GDP before and after the Brits helped. Yeah, so apparently India was a wealthy economy, but you're absolutely right. I think the early vice-royce felt zero was a good starting number. Because how would you know if you're growing, if you're already growing at 11%, so I think all the extraction of wealth during the colonial era was just to level the playing field. So now that we're growing at 6%, it's from zero. So that's good, right?

You're welcome. Ready at 4, thank you. If you're already at 14% under the Mughal Empire before the British game, where do you go from there? You know, like, you're already way ahead of zero. So I thank you. Thank you, Andy. And I'd like to truly the colonial project was a long exercise in tough love. Speaking of which and staying with economics, New Zealand decided to come up with an entirely independent metric to measure their economic growth. So Andy, they're going to use GDP,

to measure their economic growth. So Andy, they're going to use GDP, but New Zealand has just introduced the world's first well-being budget. So the government will give you some money for what you regard as important to your well-being, apart from food and shelter. So for example, I imagine if I lived in New Zealand, I love espresso. I like roast beef because it's banned in my country.

And I like going to the theatre. So this would be considered I could make an appeal. I'd also have to beef from New Zealand, which I'm not, but you'd have to appeal for these things, and they'd give you these things. So food and shelter are given, because I'm sure they have some sort of a Scandinavia type system take care of that. In addition, they give you these things for wellbeing. So maybe, you know, it's just another way of looking at it. You're just like we're making up our GDP numbers. New Zealand is helping us by saying GDP is not the only measure. Right. Right. So we'll have a wellbeing budget.

So whatever is important for where you're wellbeing, Andy, for example, a lot of cricket. Yes. I mean, this is exhausting. I am sick of New Zealand showing off on the world stage about how nice they are. Making the rest of us look bad is what it is. Yeah.

Where's your blind disabled Tamil refugee box? Well, he's in Australia. box. Well, he's in Australia. In other world news, this is a very distressing story. Apparently, rich nations, such as Britain, are having, we're having our waste sent back to us and Australia as well, and the countries that we are outsourcing it to. So essentially what recycling involves is chucking a lot of shit on a ship and sending it somewhere else and forgetting about it. And then it just gradually seeps back into the natural ecosystem and turns into Christmas trees.

But some countries started sending stuff back because they're being sent stuff that they can't recycle things and put in the right, I mean, it's very great concern to be honest. Speaking from a British point of view, if suddenly these precious relics of our society have been given back to us, then the pressure is gonna grow

for us to return all the rubbish we collected from overseas in the past two. If countries like Malaysia and Indonesia start sending back Darren's mostly eaten kebab box and empty cigarette packet, or little Timmy swiftly broken Christmas remote control toy ferret, then the Greeks, then the Greeks are going to want those broken old bits of New-D people and horses back for their broken old temples as well, aren't they? I do not like where they're just going. I mean, on one hand, it sort of feels like justice

for our over-consumerism, wastefulness, but also Malaysia sending up to a hundred tons of plastic waste back to Australia. They don't know that my secret dream is to live on top of a palace of old car parts. Just want to sit on a big pile of car parts and dispense wisdom from a throne made out of defunctyper color t-shirts, slap bands, and other essential office supplies from the 1980s. Like the giant rat philosopher, come martial arts sensei splinter

in the teenage mutant Ninja Turtles. It's all I've ever wanted. Alice, you've just described the new high rise in Mumbai. I've built on a bit. But I have a question, Alice, Andy, Rich. Would it be okay not just to send back fecal matter, but also fecal things? Right.

By which I mean, the show big brother is extremely popular in India. Can we send that back? Well, I mean, I don't know what George Orwell would say about that. Is this family absolutely raking it enough over royalties, I think? Indian elections news, Anuvab. Now, when you were lost on, the elections were in progress, I think. That is correct, Andy. Ended up with a convincing win for Narendra Modi, who retained his title as Prime Minister. How's it going to affect India? Well, Andy, they've done all the analysis

now post-elections, and it was a tight election. Narendra Modi only won 86% of the votes. So, it was a close battle. But recently Bloomberg did a survey, and they found that in India, two-thirds of the voters received cash directly. And I know that sometimes the moral values of the Western world or the developed world can have issues with that. But, you know, I've been following elections in the West and in the developed world.

And I've seen people give speeches where they talk about when they're elected, they'll improve livelihoods of people and incomes in the future through policies. Now in India, it's much better to do it before, by just giving people money, and then blackmail them into voting. Like, if you think about it, apparently, there is a word for it, bribe, but it's a new concept for me, I've never heard of it,

but it is a novel way to think about governance, right? It's like, you know, I've heard all these features about people trying to be the new British Prime Minister saying, I'll take the collective along and then the economy will improve, then you'll get jobs, then you'll make money. What Prime Minister Modi did was hear some money. Will you vote for me? I'm not telling you what I'm going to do,

but there's 50 bucks in a bottle of gin. The future is another country, one I will own. For now, take these five dollars and go buy yourself a bag of chips. Exactly. Exactly. And there's no problem with the media because he owns that as a friend. So we want to have a new Australian type of read. So you know, things are good actually. And what about, I mean, the various non-mode fans, because most of, I mean, the Indians I've met are not huge fans of, correct. I mean, one of my closest Indian friends called some... A genocidal bastard.

Yes. Yes. There's two sides to every coin, I guess. But I mean, how's the reaction on that side of the political spectrum? Well, you may want to check with your friend, what country he's moved to. But artists, you know, commentators tend to be left of center.

And that's fine. They just have fewer avenues now to express their left of center views. Twitter's probably the only one. They'll probably get fired from all the newspapers because they're owned by the government. And I think Prime Minister Modi is a fair democratic Prime Minister. I mean, apart from controlling the government, the courts of law, the banks, the reserve bank, and free speech, everything else is free in India.

Okay, that's good. So I don't see how he's a fascist. You know, people are saying Hitler and all that. I don't see it. You know, because he's only controlling all the major institutions and public opinion, other than that, with a slight religious fascist undertone helped by the religious infrastructure of temples and slightly anti-Muslim but other than that as manifested by one tiny riot but other than that other than that people are allowed to be free and fair so I don't know what your fans and friends in India are complaining about. Okay, I'll pass that on. Yeah.

In extremely local news now, I'm a big believer in locally sourced things, and locally sourced news is the newest thing I'm sourcing from extremely locally. The buzzer on my flat has some work since I moved into spite, repeated calls for investment in infrastructure from the governing body. So people have to stand outside the wall of my house and shout until I come and get them. Last night I was so tired I accidentally kicked a cup and broke the cup and then when I was getting into bed I clipped my ankle bone so hard I was pretty sure I'd done severe damage

to myself but I was too sleepy to get up and check so I just dreamed that I went to the hospital and I felt much better this morning. There's a local lady who says, I seem like quite a nice person, which is good, although she then said, I have the eyes of a husky dog. In weather news, a high-pressure period is sweeping down from the north with Edden Refringe previews

and not a lot of paid gigs. I'm hoping for a break in the industry, so I don't have to worry about where my rent is coming from. And according to my period tracker app, I've got three days to go. You're the local news. This is Saint Feldean, and it's genius. When your local friend said you had the eyes of a husky dog, did she mean in your own head, or...

She meant in my own head. Carrying. No, I wasn't. I wasn't carrying them. I think she just... Oh, okay. She didn't say you have the eyes of my husky dog after you'd gouged her dog's eyes out.

She just sort of came up and took both of my hands and stared into my eyes and said, you seem like a very nice person. All right. And then she said, you have beautiful eyes, like a husky dog. Then did she try to make you carry her across Alaska? Then she tried to just strap me to a slay. Then she asked me for 20 pounds. Donald Trump has been visiting the United Kingdom.

It's, luckily, had the cricket world cup on, so I was basically able to, not whether he did fly over the ground in Southampton yesterday, while the India South Africa game was going on, two helicopters, one of which contained Trump and the other of which contained parts of his ego flew over the ground that I was disgusted that he should have been allowed anywhere nearer,

the Holy Sanctuary of the Cricket Ground grounds where it's free from this kind of stuff. Now he is clearly a one-man calorie of common sense, a goby of good nature, and he waited in during his his brief trip over here. He had a pop at the London Mayor. He told some lies. He spoke like an ignorant f***ing about various issues. He stuck his all-in on British politics where it was emphatically not wanted, he told some more lies and said some things that the obviously didn't mean and waggled his ostentatious pseudo-imperial nepotism right in the faces of our royal family. Come on Trump, have some

f***ing dignity! So all in all it was ugly is most impressive and dignified performance since becoming president. I mean he had his sort of serious kind of serious, serious mode. I'm never comfortable when Trump is in his, I really have to pretend to be a real president mode. It's like seeing Freddie, it's like seeing Freddie Krueger and heavy mascara and lipstick. Just, just worry about what's coming next. He refused to meet Jeremy Corbyn on the grounds that Corbyn was, quote, a negative force, which is not entirely the pot calling the kettle black, more a tarantula calling a bench a little to eight legged for my liking.

Yeah, Trump in formal presidential reading off a script mode is very much like somebody who's been living at the end of an alleyway under a pile of rubbish for eight years and then comes out with a really slick side part. You just don't know what he's been using to brill cream his hair down, ticketing for the Ascoes. They've many empty seats as I was saying, it's supposedly sold out games and also people who had not received physical tickets, despite having bought them a year ago or more and, you know, I mean, traveling from around the world to come to games and eventually they let people print them out at home on day two of the tournets. But it

clearly does seem that there was a bit of a mix up in the ticketing department on the to-do list. A, new swivel chair. B, designs from pretty pictures to go on the tickets. C, design and irritatingly unusually ticketing website. D, new coffee machine that can make a wrap milk frappuccino for those you don't like dairy. E, office sweepstake, on which umpile will give the most LBWs in the tournament. And they forgot the key parts of printing and sending out the tickets, which is easily done, I guess, if that is your one role. That is the one thing.

Yes. role. If that is the one thing, yes. And I have to ask, the World Cup is a slightly big deal in India, in that it's only obsessed over by 800 million people. It's not that big deal, but you know, and it's not available on your terrestrial television. Now, if that happened in India, it would lead to a few cases by which I mean millions of cases of arson, loot, banditry. Here, it is going on, but as the Guardian recently pointed out, the World Cup opening ceremony was attended by massive celebrities like Malala Yusufzai and Malala Yusufzai. It appears it's not. It's the... Yes, I didn't see the opening ceremony.

It was the day before the tournament started and I don't think quite as many people turned up as they were hoping. Partly because they said, do not turn up unless you've got a ticket and then no one a ticket. No one at tickets. So, and yeah, I don't know how big a cricket fan Malala is, obviously she'd go up in Pakistan and would assume she's a hugely impressive human being. Therefore, one would assume she's a massive cricket fan as all the greatest human beings should be, and indeed are.

And your newspapers were quite kind about the World Cup of King Ceremony. They called it a drenched, sodden mediocre of... Which is essentially a pretty decent history of English cricket through the 1980s and 1990s. In, well, other, away from the cricket, the, in World Football is happening. And today, as we were recording on the Thursday, England, are about to play semi-final in the new European nation's league tournament. They are in Portugal and they are about to play the Netherlands. And, well, there's been a bit of an issue with

England's notorious football fans. And the FA had launched a campaign entitled Don't Be That Idiot. Unfortunately, the Don't Be That Idiot. Unfortunately, the Don't Be That Idiot campaign fell on the deaf ears of idiots, as idiot England fans have acted like idiots and caused violent mayhem in the city of Porto. And it is one of the curious aspects of football, which is at its heart, a very simple sport, a childlike pursuit, trying to kick a thing into another thing, that it can make people behave as if human evolution were just an elaborate hoax.

And this is always kind of dodged and tainted English football, and it must be deeply irritating for the vast majority of England fans who are either not idiots or not that kind of idiot. but as the old saying goes, a few hundred bad apples can spoil a barrel. It feels like just not using your opposable thumbs means that you've forgotten the level of evolution that's gotten you to the point where you would use them. Right.

Maybe they need more handballs, just to remind people. Just to remind people. Yeah, because you can, I don't know if they just hold the bottles of lager with the thumbtowards. Not sure really. They just embrace them in their arms. I guess historic city centres

are the red rag to England's Huma Gumball. To be fair though, this is probably not the first time England has gone into a country and done what they wanted. Oh, no, she's a, you know, like a spelt into a national, national DNA. A level of rage when it comes to this is always been musing to me. And I'm never quite sure what they're angry about, whether it's too much kicking or not

enough kicking or the kicking wasn't interesting enough. I think not enough kicking. I must have the problem with football is essentially that it's not violent enough as a sport. There's, because rugby's never had a hooliganism problem. Yeah. Because all the violence has taken care of it. It's a great point actually.

Yeah. But yeah, I mean, hooliganism is essentially the social monitor that is the unwanted offspring of the uneasy conjugation of sport and an ill-informed potent sense of nationalistic superiority, with now other convenient outlets that at the same time allows enticing opportunities for travel. And they also pick really sleepy towns, like you know, fights in severe or cordobar, you know, but everyone snoozing in the afternoon. Towns that are not inherently violent.

Yeah. Just, just, they just bring this aspect. Are you suggesting that the next football world cup should happen in Mogadishu? Yeah. Or Thimpo in Bhutan. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no week and women's sport has belatedly been receiving media attention in recent years after someone at World Sport HQ got hold of an influential piece of market research suggesting that at least 50% of the world's population are not men. This research has been suppressed for many generations in World Sport HQ. Women's football was essentially banned for 50 years from the 1920s by the Football Association because, well, Alice, I'll never mind you,

wouldn't understand. You can't possibly understand men making decisions about women's sport unless you've been a man. I think that was the logic. Anyway, anyway, well, I hope it's getting a lot of media, England has a good team with a realistic chance of winning. And we can only hope that we'll see further steps towards equality in sport over the next month or so in France, by which I mean, I want to see England fans going on the rampage at a women's football tournament. That is one of them will know I'll have real gender parity in sport in the fans of England, women's

football team are chanting abuse at minorities, singing songs about the war and urinating in historic fountains. Then I'll know we're becoming a nation. I want my daughter to grow up in. Holy gullies. I mean. Oh, very good. That brings us kicking and screaming to the end of this week's, which is essentially what is happening with England football fans. To the end of this week's, this week's bugle, I'm afraid there's no time for lies about subscribers, but we'll do a bumpers set of lies about subscribers next week. If you wish to join the voluntary subscription scheme, give whatever you can and wish to

on a weekly or one off basis. Do go to the bugle website, the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Until next time, and if that has been a delight to have you here and in person, I mean, it would have been, I mean, that really made no sense. That's been a lot of been hologram. I've spent most of the last week just with half an hour in the cricket and one and half eyes on two screens of statistics It's been love it. You've done very well Andy, but what statistics they are Andy

So reality is just my my always Slender grasp on reality is more cosmath than ever Alice great. Have you back back here? more cosmath than ever. Alice, great, have you back, back here. We are doing a live bugle together on the 22nd of June in London at the underbelly. It's Saturday afternoon. I think it's a three or three 30 p.m. start. It's unusually early for a bugle. So let's see if we can insight some hooliganism in the ground. Not enough kicking. Oh, well, we'll have segregation. We'll have barbed-wire fences,

separating the Alice Fraser fans from the Nishkoomor fans. Ha-ha-ha. A fun run that leads to violence, like all the best pun runs do. Any other shows to plug? Oh, heaps. Ethos My Last Years Show is now available on my Patreon for $5 and I have a trial preview, what are they called?

And it mythos on the 10th of July in the Museum of Comedy and other things. And then Edinburgh, we'll both be doing the Edinburgh Festival. And if I'm going to be coming to you. Hi, I'm indeed here. I'm actually here doing Edinburgh Previews. It's a very different show. It's called Democracy and Disco Dancing and It's about those two things too I'm staying alive by the will of the people

Greatest legacies of ancient grace Play to give us disco dancing at the most so last time was about Empire and our India's relationship with Britain this time I spent three months on the road on the in the election campaign And it's I guess it's an hour about the things I saw that I cannot unseat Do come along to all of those shows as often as you possibly can until next week. We go goodbye. Bye Bye-bye.