The Bugle - Bugle 4127 Let's Sit In Silence and Watch a bird go "Honk."

Episode Date: October 27, 2019

Andy is joined by Alice and Nish to talk about Animals, Fortnite and Rain conjuring. Also, Trump and Brexit. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bueglers. It's Buegl time. Are you sitting comfortably? No, of course you're not. It's 2019, if you're sitting comfortably. You're doing it wrong, metaphorically of course.

I am Andy Zoltzmann. This is issue 4,127 of the world's one and only new cyclopedia of current affairs. Joining me in London, which is a bit of a silly place these days if you ask me. Nish Kumar and Alice Fraser, hello. Hello Andy, hello Alex, hello Biglus. Hello Nish, hello Andy, hello Biglus. We're still here.

Yeah. It's never felt more appropriate that we record these in a sort of subterranean bunker. LAUGHTER To have a felt, I don't think there's ever been a sort of time that we've been doing this and it's felt more appropriate to feel like we're in a new player shelter. Yes, well I mean it's always exciting to emerge from here and see how the world has changed

in the hour that we've been recording. Sometimes it's more than you would like. We are recording on the 25th of October 2019, which means on Monday, it will be 100 years since the National Prohibition Act was passed. In 1919, that tried to stop America from drinking alcohol, that went about as well as an attempt to ban bats from echolocating. What would you like to see, I'm an after the raging success of prohibition 100 years ago?

What would you think should we needlessly ban, thereby causing it to become more popular? I'd love to see that happen to my comedy. I'd like to see people bootlegging my gigs. I mean, I would like to see them try and introduce prohibition of alcohol to Britain, just to see what would happen. And to see how long it would last before. I mean, if people think Brexit is bad, imagine what would happen if the entire country was actively behind something.

I like to burn reasonable conversations wherever one listens to each other's point of view and then people would feel rebelliously obliged to have. Test cricket for me. Just make it the biggest thing in the world. Well, you want testco to go underground? Underground. This species is last five days of gently building narrative.

Also, this month, October, as we approach the end of October, it's emotional intelligence awareness month. I already knew that. I already knew it. That is going straight in the bin. Is that kind of shit we voted to escape from with Brexit? We need Britain to be clammed up, repressed and inhibited as God intended. So that in fact, that can go straight in the bin. Top story this week. Animals are animals doing better or worse than humans at this key stage

of the evolution of life on earth, humans clearly resting on their evolutionary laurels right now. After the trademark bodily breakthrough, opposable thumbs found its definitive conclusion in the mobile phone and the games console, humans now behaving like the kind of spoiled self-important tools you would expect them to to grab us if you kept telling them that God had made them specially last to run the planet. Animals, however, not quite taking advantage of this dip in the fortunes of humanity. It must be said, toodling along eating and shacking and dying in the whole school tried and tested way. Alice, you are the bugles, so resident animals and other creatures correspond.

How is the natural world doing this week? Pretty well, Andy, in loud birds being loud news now, the white bell bird, which is a mountain dwelling bird, lives deep in the Brazilian Amazon rainforest, has been discovered to have the loudest voice of any bird species recorded so far. It's about as loud as a pile driver, 116 decibels, and what's notable about this bird is not just that it's very loud, but that it does the very loudness extremely close to female birds, and that the loudness is like notably boring. Jeffrey Podoros of the University of Massachusetts says, it's one loud note like a horn with no variation. And I feel like I have to respect the level of confidence that this bird has.

Very close, very loud, very boring. It's got to work sometimes. Like you know how when you see groups of boys driving around in a car, shouting out of the car to women, and you're like, that has to have worked at some point. Right? Otherwise, they keep doing it. There has to be a functional evolutionary element. So impressive, 116 decibels, which is something that's a lot of decibels. Yeah, isn't it? Even I think that's loud. And I have a voice that, I believe I've discussed this on the show before, a former neighbour thought was a pack of wild dogs, in a opinion that they then put in a letter and sent to my landlord.

I had something that wasn't quite the same as that, but after staying in an Airbnb flat with my wife and children in Spain, received an email from the letter wondering if we'd had a pet in the flat because the neighbours had reported barking. Anyway, the source of that barking was me, occasionally barking, as you do on holiday. Why were you barking? Why are you shouting? Why weren't you barking all the way?

Well, dogs, of course, creatures with whom we like to think we share a lot. And while these loud male birds are in some way so like you know 50% of the population of earth it's uncanny. One loud monotonous noise honking away endlessly this is the species called the white bell bird also known as the comedy panel show bird, the election campaign pigeon, the oasis concert hall and the radio phone in gold. So I mean, it does seem like a very, that's a quite a patriarchal kind of bird. Isn't it? I mean, did Emily and Pankhurst pluck those patriarchal fessons in vain? You have to ask.

It's almost like the bird hasn't heard of feminism yet. It is difficult to be part of a gender that seems to be being satirized by nature. Even the natural world is like, and I mean also, it depends on if we can decipher what the chance actually are. At the moment, the best guesses are the Joker was actually a masterpiece and Nanette didn't have enough jokes. Well, also it lives deep in the Amazon rainforest, so it's quite possible that it is just

understandably squawking something a little, I don't know how they shit! We're f**king doomed! We are f**king doomed darling! How can you just sit there on your branch not squawking at 116 f**king decimal when the world is slink walking to environmental catastrophe! So that's possible.

It's also, it's evidently possible. The scientists think that it may be something to do with sex as everything is. It says if females detect the loudest males from logger age and find the loudest males most attractive at close range, then the sexual selection would drive the evolution of extremely loud songs up against the limits of physical performance constraints. And this is a species I can get on board with. If it's producing volume over physical performance, then sign me the f*** up.

I'm joining this bird group. I mean, I've just realized why they haven't heard a feminism yet. It's because they're talking too loudly. It's amazing how successful that tactic has been through history. In other animals news, this is really what we've all been waiting for. Scientists have trained rats to drive cars and collect food. I mean, yes, this team from University of Richmond, in Virginia, they've trained rats to drive

tiny cars because, look, they've got rats and they've got tiny cars. What? I don't understand what the confusion is here. They've made it out of a little clear plastic food container on wheels, the little steering wheel. And they've trained six female and 11 male rats to drive the car. Because they're sexist in rat studies too. And they've rewarded them with fruit loop cereal pieces when they when they drive the car properly. That's the whole thing. They travel around a arena four square meters in size and it's like a little traffic jam at all times. They get rewarded with bits of cereal for driving well. So basically these rats are treated better than some Uber drivers.

I think there's probably the long-range plan is to replace all Uber drivers with rats. Yeah, and I mean, these rats aren't even getting reviewed. If they were Uber drivers, they'd be finding things like, he was prompt, but on the other hand, I did contract to be a bonnic play for stars. Never got below four. It's not worth that. This is, I don't think this is good for the rats. We're in the late stages of capitalism and in late stage capitalism, people see opportunity anywhere.

And if these rats continue to be driving around, Jeff Bezos is gonna have them delivering Amazon parcels faster than you can say, my need for convenience, Trump's, any worries, I'll have about basic rights. I going to also worry, we and why are we rewarding rats like this? Why are we rewarding a species that, with essentially free food and a company car? They have repeatedly, through the course of history, tried to wipe us out. It was like giving mosquitoes complimentary adapted coffee machines instead of coffee

dispensed blood. It just seems wrong. Well, the thing that I like most about it is that I think for a significant portion of the population, the only thing they have to pride themselves on is that they can drive a car. And now rats can drive cars as well. I didn't like the fact that you looked at me as you said that, Alice, which suggests to me that you know that I can't drive.

And so it's been a sobering week for me to learn that I am less useful than a rat. Hey, but louder than a bird. There it is. It's also not Matthew Parasadou. It was in a review of my 2014 Melbourne Comedy Festival show. Well, I mean, also when I hear about this rats train to drive a car around a full meter square arena, I just think new sport. Andy's already looking up stats. Right.

Jack a football into it. Even better. Just as it is, rat race, it basically markets itself. Rat race. I would watch this with more enthusiasm than I've watched any F1. If they replaced Lewis Hamilton with a bunch of rats stuck together in a Lewis Hamilton suit, I would much prefer that and put the sort of rat Lewis Hamilton behind the wheels of a sports car.

It would all fall apart at the end, after he won the race and was handed his bottle of champagne and responded, where the fuck am I fucking fruitless? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Give me my cereal! Being more wholesome, podium. Yeah, everybody just chucking weight-abix at each other. I mean, the next piece of news is completely inexplicable to me,

although I understand the rats and tiny cars combination. A Frenchman, a telecom Paris in France, his name is Mark Tessier. He's devised an artificial skin to put on your phone that looks like human skin. And when asked why, why, he said, I wanted to pinch my phone. Oh my God. This skin response to gestures and different things that mimic a human emotional communication. So you can express anger by squeezing your phone hard. It's just basically if you've ever been worried

that your phone wasn't creepily integrated into your own human system enough. Yeah, it seems really bleak. It really does seem to be designed for people who are only touching their phones on a day-to-day basis. Like, if we can't get human contact, let's wax some skin on an iPhone. I'm more than favour of it. I was just the other day. What I was just thinking the other day is I checked the cricket score on my mobile phone.

I wish this phone felt more like a dismembered rectangle of flesh from a psychostungeon. dungeon. B's, Alice, friends of the show, of course. Turner, a study has found that B's get better at maths when they are punished for getting answers wrong. And I mean, the obvious conclusion from that is bring back corporal punishment in schools and build more prisons. I mean, another question similar to the rat one is why the f*** are we teaching bees to do maths? Will we never learn?

Well, what does maths lead to? Rocket propelled weaponry. That is not what you want, are you picnics? Yes, I'm going to quote from one of the reviews of my rap album, who allowed this to happen, and who thought it was a good idea? NK-47's coming straight out of Croatia. I mean, it's justifying all the hashtags tactics of Tiger Mothers everywhere, the idea that

they respond better to punishment than they do to reward. Yeah, I was about to say, are these scientists, have they been speaking to my mother? Because I can tell you, it's not just bees that respond to that, it's also fat Indian kids. Tiger Mums rejoice, you haven't been irreparably damaging your children's love for you by ruthlessly punishing them in the name of their future hypothetical professional success for no reason. Now you can seriously impair your children's social skills and mental stability and pursuit of arbitrary external markers of prestige without guilt. Birds do it, bees do it. Even privately educated, please do it.

even privately educated fleas do it. Well, so I mean in summary, we're looking at the natural world by comparison with humanity. We've basically got aggressive males speaking over women. We've got rats basically going to drive throughs, which is bad. I just can't wait for fast in the furious 13. We've got bees taking up a countancy under the threat of death. I mean, they're basically, we're on a level with them at the moment. So let's turn to the human world and, well, we've delayed this as long as possible in this show. I mean, Brexit was due to get done.

Yeah, trademark. Next Thursday, the 31st of October, Boris Johnson has had to postpone this. He has not made use of the ditch as of yet. We await next Thursday with trepidation. I'm leaving the country. Brexit is essentially a long-running political snuff movie box set and it has flubbled regurgitated and dickhead of its way through another week of pretty much nothing. It, you know, a week is a long time in politics as the Labour Prime Minister Harold Wilson once said. Of course, the science suggests that a week in politics is in fact exactly the

same length as a week in any other realm, including reality, hip hop, microbiotic research, tennis and doskabee, professional endurance, picnicking and timekeeping. But it's just, I think, their effect of politics makes time seem like it goes a f*** a lot more slowly. When you see the same thing, almost on an endless repeat. This has been another classic week of the uniquely Brexitaceous cocktail of chaos and status that we have in Britain. Now under Theresa May, her status produced chaos, whereas Boris Johnson has somehow flipped

reverses, and his chaos has produced status. Happy, happy time, but he has still not used the ditch. You're going on strike, Andy. I refuse to write another Brexit joke until Brexit happens, or it doesn't happen. Wait, so you're going on strike because also there has been a threat this week that the government is going to go on strike if Labour doesn't give them a general election. So we now in a position where the government is going on strike and the people who are making fun of the government are going like, is this, what's good, is nothing going to

happen? Are we about to enter a period in which the government does nothing, not makes jokes about it, and we all just sit there in silence. Mish, I think you've just nailed Utopia in the face. Because sit there in silence while a loud bird goes honk. Honk. I think that should be the new constitution for this country. Yeah, I mean, let's clear up a couple of things.

The ditch that Andy keeps referring to is the ditch Boris Johnson said he would rather be found dead in than not deliver Brexit on October 31. And there seems to be some surprise that Boris Johnson may now be about to go back on his promise, but that is what he does. The man is a ceaseless fountain of mendacity. He is a perpetual motion machine of bullshit. Like at this point, if he said today was Friday, I would assume it was Sunday. He's lied about everything from whether he was going to deliver Brexit to the fact that

he was planning on sticking to his marriage vows. I'm not sure why we're still surprised about this. And the particular stasis that we're now referring to is that Boris Johnson has essentially had to accept that he has to accept a Brexit extension, but he is now trying to push for a general election on December the 12th. However, the Labour party will do not want to give him that election because of fears they have that he's going to use it to try and sneak through a no deal Brexit. Meanwhile, the EU is saying that they can't give us an extension until they work out when the election is going to be. And we won't work out when the election is going to be until the EU is going to, and I am I am, and yeah, I'm having a nose bleed and I think it's my brain trying to escape my

face. Well, there's a problem ever since Boris Johnson was released from the parable in which he's the guard who always lies. He's been trying to get out of this situation where he can't deliver on any of the promises he makes, but also none of the promises he makes, a promises he should be making in the first place. He did manage to have his first win in Parliament, in which Parliament approved his brilliant stroke awful deal. But crucially not to be passed in three days, because Parliament, the pedantic busy body that it is,

actually wanted to examine what was in the deal before signing it off for all eternity to shape the lives of the unborn to whom it was bequeathed by the loving vote to their great-grandparents. By this point, presumably, the EU are just basically checking the small print of all the various treaties we've signed over the years to see if they can just sell us to South America in exchange for an equivalent area of rainforest to be hauled across the Atlantic and tacked on the Portugal. There's been described as a zombie parliament now. I mean, the difference being that zombies get shit done, though, like, within their limited scope of ambition.

Also, that they're attracted to brains rather than... I mean, Jacob Reesmog has been a gray face mother for some years. It would not surprise me to learn that he died in 1936. That recently. Yeah, it's rumbling on. It does look like we're not going to leave on October 31st, although we are waiting for official confirmation from the EU for when that happens. The government is worth noting as much as these things are passing sort of a rate of knots, it is worth

knowing that the government did spend £100 million on an advertising campaign about us getting ready for Brexit on October 31st. This is, you know, this is in the year in which Boris Johnson's predecessor told a nurse that there was no more money available for the NHS because there was no magic money tree, just the sobering figure. And if you really want to bring it home, we have spent money on an advertising campaign for something that isn't going to happen that constitutes half a Marvel movie. And I cannot think of any way of making that point more so, Brickley.

I mean, it was very exciting for me. I encountered this advertisement in my Twitter feed, this ad for you should get your business ready for Brexit things, and these are the forms you may have to fill in. And it was a beautiful thing to witness the comments section in which there was literally no division. There were just hundreds and hundreds of people telling the government to go f**k itself. And if it takes that to bring this nation together.

Good news for Boris Johnson though, is he has managed to really establish an unassailable lead in the battle for the title of most infantile Prime Minister in British history. I mean, admittedly, it was pretty much over that battle, the day that Johnson surfed into 10 downing street on a tidal wave of Tory intonisi and vomit. But even more so this week, and bearing in mind, it's just quite an impressive title, actually, to get the title of most infantile leader. Britain has ever had given that Henry the sixth became King of England aged eight months. And Mary Queen of Scots became, well, Queen of Scots,

aged six days. If you're good enough, you're old enough. And what were you doing when you were six days old? I was King baby already. I was enjoying having a foreskin those were the days. How long can hold onto that bad boy? It couldn't last. I think gone by the end of the weekend. But Johnson was forced by law by the Ben Act to write a letter to the EU asking for an extension after failing to railroad his

Brexit deal through Parliament. In timescale he wanted. So he wrote this letter, but then didn't sign it and said another letter, say me, disagreed with his first letter, which I think is possibly the most childish political act in Britain since Churchill sneaked to Wuppie Cushion under Neville Chamberlain's arson Parliament in 1939. And he could almost, he could hear the cabal of clods at the heart of the Johnson Junter just sniggering to himself. We're not going to send a letter, but we're not going to sign it and democracy just dying, not just inside this time, but outside as well. He also pulled out his schedule meeting with the Commons Liaison Committee, one of the most important committees in the commons, I'm reliably informed by the internet. And he did so by an essentially legible hand-scrawled letter. And I think the only person I've ever come across who's got

worse handwriting than I have, which is kind of reassuring. It's been accused of avoiding scrutiny by many, including someone in their own party. I guess the answer to that is what good does scrutiny do when the results are only upset people. Tory MP Patrick McCloughlin said no, he's not avoiding scrutiny because he's held up to scrutiny at Parliamentist's questions every week. Now the difference is that this was essentially a cross examination involving leaders of the various commons committees asking detail questions. Prime Minister's questions is half an hour of scripted bleeding involving superficial anti-ances and counter-tweetery in response to opposition questions and delusionist auto-obscqueositudes

in response to forningly licksplattled pseudo questions from his own team. So I'm not sure it is really the level of scrutiny we want. And I'll thank you to not quite directly from reviews of my television show. And now he's basically threatened to go on strike, as you said. So not basically throwing toys out of the pram, those toys of course being the exact toys

that he had previously claimed on his Christmas list. I think demanded that Parliament took back control. What's funny about it is that I'd forgotten about the letters, like I genuinely, because it's less than a week ago, but so much more has happened again this week with the sort of back and forth, but there was supposed to be, everything was supposed to be resolved on Super Saturday,

then Oliver Letwin brought an amendment forward, again requiring the government just to show a little bit of their working. And so in response, they pulled the bill, and then again this week, there pulled the bill. And then again, this week, there was supposed to be another key vote, but the government has again pulled the bill in face of them possibly losing it. Despite the fact that MPs did vote for the first measure, which was just have a look at what was going on. So essentially, we just had a week of relentless news.

It's the perfect Brexit week, because there's been a week of just relentless news. And yet, no progress has actually been made. And at this point, Brexit is the equivalent in politics of a spin class in that it's allowed annoying, seems largely to consist of white people shouting. And in the end, regardless of effort, no one actually moves forward. And importantly, a lot of spin. There was some good news for the government in that the BBC had to apologise to home secretary pretty Patel after Andrew Maar accused her of laughing during an interview about the impact of Brexit. The BBC then had to acknowledge it.

She hadn't actually laughed. That was just her face. So the BBC basically had to acknowledge it. She was not laughing at the struggles of the poor. She just has a natural face that looks like it is suppressing a laugh about the struggles of the poor. Um, what is she? Jack Nicholson's joke. So, yes, she wasn't laughing. She just looked like she was about to laugh, but she notes that,

although it's that kind of no, I can't believe I'm doing this f***ing job either, Smirk, or the Holy shit, I don't know why more people don't have 14 clanders on off the book meetings with Israeli politicians while they're on holiday, seems to give you a career a real boost, kind of grin. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, neglecting the factor, that's not how gravity works. Trump, Peachment, Latest News, now, and what a very exciting week in the progress towards or away from the impeachment of Donald Trump. Republicans stormed into an impeachment hearing and refused to leave for hours. I mean, it's starting to make Boris Johnson look mildly grown up in a way he's conducting

his politics. Essentially, they've given up on trying to prove that Donald Trump mildly grown up in the way he's conducting his politics. I mean, essentially they've given up on trying to prove that Donald Trump is not at least 200% guilty of everything. And so they're just trying to prevent stuff from happening, which is like a child delaying his bedtime. Yeah, absolutely.

All of the complaints this week have been to do with the secretive nature of proceedings, not the actual substance of the allegations themselves. Lindsey Graham, who's a very prominent Trump ally and gutless magazines, Man of the Millennium, has actually said, I'm not here to tell you that Donald Trump's done nothing wrong. That's a full sentence from a man who's clearly not the head of the phrase double negative,

which was also Andrew Soltzman's wrestling name. He's not gonna not lay the smack down. I was a double actor, John was also Andrew Soltzman's wrestling name. He's not going to not lay the smack down. I was a double actor, John and I did years ago. This all happened after one of the America's most senior diplomats gave a testimony about Trump's alleged dealings with Ukraine. They put the A into incriminating and the E into obviously guilty. And yeah, because of that, the Trump and Peter would require me like my stomach after I ate some suspect Peruvian street food rumbles on. But the protest was incredible because they sort of, they stood outside shouting, let me in. And if we took the attitude of the

Republican Party to people who stand outside something saying, let me in, they would all have been rounded up and sent to a concentration camp. But then, have their children sold? But then once they were in there, they sort of sat in, they're about 30 of them, they disrupted the hearing, and then they ordered fast food and could they have conducted that protest in a manner More befitting of their country's worst attributes unless they had been firing handguns into the air and watching episodes of the sitcom out I just want to say one more thing about Donald Trump. I just want to say right now the Donald Trump's only crime is loving crimes and if that is a crime, then lock it up.

Tekken News Now and exciting news from Australia, Alice. It's rain and lies, hallelujah. Entrepreneur David Miles has been criticized for promising technology to droughts, trick and farmer, saying that he can make it rain. He's been piloting his scheme with a small private group of farmers in Whimmerer, and they have signed an agreement that they will pay him $50,000 if they get the rain. On his website, he claims this technology can create a bridge in the spacetime continuum to model the weather 10 days into the future and then apply small amounts of energy to bring about the desired outcome through quote the butterfly effect.

End quote. He's fully under criticism because what he's saying is obviously absolute f***ing dangerous nonsense and he's giving false hope to people in desperate straits. But the thing that I enjoy most about it is that he says, the thing is we found a way to link a model of the near future, whether with an actual flight corridor of approaching weather, as though he thinks whether there is an aeroplane that you can just fly to the crops. There is people in the government and various people in the farming lobby have said that one of the problems with his technology is that nowhere has he explained the actual physical device or method

by which he promises to do this. And in one section of his website he's claimed it uses electromagnetic scalar waves which a University of Melbourne Associate Professor of Physics, Martin Sevia, says don't exist. Still, I mean, he's still a few steps ahead of the Brexit campaign, I think. Well, that does sound like some of Boris Johnson's tech solutions to the Irish border, which I think at this point are someone's going to come up with a workable stargate within the next 10 years. I mean, this man, Mr. Miles, has just a way with words that is truly astonishing.

When asked what the device does, he says it is a device. And when asked where it is, he says I can say openly we're currently hidden in plain sight because we haven't raised the capital to fund a proper facility. This is a man who needs to immediately be elected to the Office of Prime Minister. It's quite impressive that after all these years we've managed to come up with a worse system than sacrificing an ox to the gods. That was another one of Boris Johnson's tech solutions. I mean, the only redemptive feature is that it's a no-pay no-play situation in that if Reign does not arrive, the farmers are not forced

to pay him, in part because then they wouldn't have any money to pay him with. Unfortunately, I would suggest that possibly if it does rain, it would have rained anyway and he doesn't deserve $50,000. Well, I think it's good that this guy's working the space time continuum to help farmers, because our farmers for too long would spend relying on EU handouts rather than the space time continuum. Tech solutions. This is what they've talked about. I've held us back.

The EU has been blocking the British time travel industry. It's been a bad week all round for tech entrepreneurs because Mark Zuckerberg was also hold in front of a congressional committee for questioning. You know, it's just really disappointing that the guy who founded a website to compare women's appearances to farm animals was not the upstanding moral citizen we thought he was. Watching a lot of that footage, especially of Alexandra Casio Cortez, Cross-Examining Mark Zuckerberg, I've realised that there is real mileage in Pornhub opening a new category that is just people facing consequences. I would absolutely ceaselessly beat myself off to footage of Mark Zuckerberg having to sit uncomfortably

whilst faced with the consequences of his own dog shit policies. I mean, Mark Zuckerberg should take a page out of the book of this entrepreneur who's been promising rain because when he was asked on how his device worked, he pointed out a 48 page white paper which also doesn't explain how it works. Google, meanwhile, has claimed that it's a quantum computer which uses quantum stuff instead of other stuff. Did a magic saw mean just three minutes that would take the world's cleverest normal computer, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

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I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I glanced over and half I think the first paragraph. My parts of this week's bugle have been written by Google's new Quantum computer and it took just eight hours to write. Whereas usually it requires a sweatshop full of 200 children a whole week to turn this stuff out for me. So I guess that's progress. Computer games news and Lady Gaga. I guess that's progress. ["The World of the World of the World of the World of the World of the World of the World of the World of the

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that was supposed to involve Judy Garland being blasted into space, with hard-loan communist pen-up and foreign minister, Andre Gromiko. Ah, I love history. And now that you've explained who Lady Gaga is, why don't you explain what Fortnite is? Fortnite. Obviously, there's various different theories on what Fortnite is.

Including that it's a very useful term to help you remember how to start setting up the pieces on a chessboard. It's the ideal length for Brexit. It's an entry in the 12th century Sultan and anti-Crucera activist Saladins Dari, Monday, fortnight. It's also some people think it's a breed of magic pig that shits marshmallows but is sometimes racist or It's a computer game in which players fight to be the last player alive. Oh, is that the world in general? It's very hard to tell These days, I've got to be honest with you. I'd like to apologize to you because when you did the chest joke there

I was like he's got nowhere to go from here, and I really underestimate you So have you played Fortnite? I have seen it be, I've seen my young cousins play Fortnite and it's like, I can't really track what's happening if I'm honest. Like, I can't really fully grasp what's happening. Do your kids play Fortnite? No, my son plays Minecraft and Fortnite has been described

as a cross between the hit world making game Minecraft, the Battle of Eepra, the Old Testament, and the Bound Full of Foxes, dressed as chickens. All the way to your writing video game reviews, that was awesome. It has been described as that by me just now. I've never played it. I don't really understand why you would play it

when you can just watch reruns of old test matches on YouTube, each of their own, and I am very much on my own. It involves apparently a world in which a massive storm has wiped out 98% of the world's population and zombie-like creatures have risen to attack the remainder. Now, are we sure this isn't one of those games where what happens in the game becomes reality as happens in films? I mean, is this some kind of jumanji type situation that is just unfolding? When I was younger, we sort of played video games felt like quite an escapist entertainment. I mean, either you were sort of pretending

to be a footballer winning a World Cup, or you were sort of pretending to be an Italian plumber who jumped on dinosaurs' heads for gold coins. But I'm worried that video games now seem too close to the real world, and children are gonna play Fortnite, and then move on to a game that's basically centered around America's crisis of private debt. To play the game, I mean, I have no idea, but I think you have to press...

You have to press X and Y and quick succession and then space bar to jump. Or is it Kersa Kees to move and then space bar to kick it towards the goal? I don't know. It's something like that. I think the only person in this room who's played a video game against Andy Zoltzman, I would say that that is a more technical explanation. Could I just quickly ask, what was the circumstance that involved you two playing video games ago? I was her audition for the... I beat him in Donkey Kong, Jr. which is a maths game.

Oh, yeah, I know that game. Yeah, the maths. I didn't have a problem with the maths. That's what it is. This way, I am very bad at video games and I beat Andy Zoltzman easily. Well, that's video games and maths. Zoltzman, you really weren't playing to your strengths. Was there no test cricket manager or a thylal? I did use to play that as a kid. There are new versions of Fortnite imminent, including, well, falling from Fortnite creative, which is

a new one, I think. Fortnite tax haven in which players compete to create the most deregulated offshore financial centre, thus destabilising the entire global economy. Fortnight Telegraph, in which players have to create an addition of the daily Telegraph, so vitriolic that all other players spontaneously gouge their own eyes out to prevent them ever reading anything again. The American version, Fortnight Fox News, of course, Fortnight Rugby, in which players have to develop a new version of Rugby that's so brutal that only one player is left standing at the end, not that far off. and Fortnite's ultimate so-ho in which players can go on the So-Hit as a website and buy tickets for my end-of-year review show, The Certifiable History, or Sir Featuring Alice, very much now established as much of a Christmas and New Year tradition

as Christmas New Year, and the creeping sensation of time passing irretrievably by and the prospect of decline and oblivion, hoving, gradually closer interview. Well, we will be back next week. Recording on Friday, the day after Brexit was supposed to have happened. Yeah. I'm sure it's about the fifth time we've recorded the day after Brexit was supposed to have happened. With the latest news from this ridiculous planet. Until then, goodbye.

What are the dates of your son-ho-run? A good point. Ah! Sixteenth of December to the fourth of January. Right. On and off. There's my moths, not to Christmas. Bye, everyone.

I just thought I'd quickly help and do this. Having mentioned them, are they just not giving any more information? Do you have anything to plug? No, that's why I'm trying to help you guys. That's why. Is that the ending you're going? Yeah. Yeah, just tag it on the end.

Just tag it on the end. I think the ending should be you, so, is that the significant difference between Donkey Kong and Donkey Oate emphasizes the need to enunciate clearly right through to the very end of each sentence and all word. This realization came after a very disappointing, if educational children's party. Given the overuse of the word awesome in today's world, Bayon Leonard wonders what will happen if people ever have to confront something that does genuinely

fill them with awe. We've left ourselves nowhere to go linguistically complaints by on, leaving us vulnerable to impressive aliens. Returning to the theme of Olympic sports that need a shake-up, Alex Adam thinks that if swimming is allowed to give out medals for less efficient forms of movement such as breast trogan butterfly, then road cycling's grand tour should follow suit. The Vuelta de Espanyu should be a three-week unicycle race and the Giro d'Italia should be

raced on children's tricycles. Always on the lookout for sport improvements, Ben Harvey is not sold on archery as an Olympic event in its current form, and would be much more interested if it involved galloping on horseback trying to pick off guards on the roof of a castle. Dan Milburn sometimes feels pity for the person who invented the scissor, but never realized that it needed to be paired with another scissor to reach its full, gadgetry potential. Ori Enav thought that the art deco movement had been named after a man called Arthur de Corscheval, who, assumed Ori, was a Frenchman obsessed with geometric streamlined forms. Similarly, Ories fellow art non-efficientado Ed Hockey lived long under the misapprehension

that Quentin Bismarck had invented cubism, and that the most influential art agent in 15th century Europe was Frenchman René Sauss. Emily Yates is not ashamed to join this cavalcade of people who misunderstood the names of genres of art, and admits that she thought that Dadaism was so-called because the artists would unveil their latest pieces from under a big cloth with a proud Dada! This is becoming an absolute parade of artistic confusion because Ross McIntire thought Rococo

was a genre sponsored by the 18th century Yorkshire-based building corporation, the Rotherham construction company. And not to be outdone or indone even Steve Seale thought Fovists had been so named by influential New Zealand art critic Mollock Sneeds because they were painters who wore knock-off fake t-shirts or faux vists. Nick Hornby shares the bafflement of the last few lied about subscribers, having assumed that futurism was so named because it did not appeal to people from any other country apart from that of the artists in question, hence few tourists. Yes, and finally, Neha Sammi thought Pop Art was the equivalent of dad dancing, and

that Dr. Van Zsure had copied his distinctive painting style from his girlfriend, a woman who invented the Madonna-style conical bra called Pointy Lids. Here endeth this week's lies. weeks' lives.