The Bugle - Bugle 4137 - Relationships Special

Episode Date: January 18, 2020

This week some complicated relationship updates; Henry and Meghan, humans and the planet, billionaires and space brides.Also, have you heard The Last Post yet? Join us here: http://pod.link/TheLastPost Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Don't forget to listen to the last post.

Oh yeah. I was still a little teller, I was not a third yet. The last post is a daily podcast that is piped into my email every day from an alternate dimension. There is an alternate universe Alice Fraser who hosts this satirical news podcast. And she talks about all the news that's happening over there. I think it's groundbreaking. I'm working with some scientists to figure out if we can send some emails back to her but I enjoy listening to it. I hope you tune in.

Subscribe. I think there's a quite successful end of this. Yeah, yeah. He just came out of the celebrity judge. Subscribe now in Apple podcasts, Spotify and all the other good places. Play, play, play, play, play. New, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 4137 of the world's foremost covert audio instruction manual for the dismantling melting down and reconstituting a agricultural machinery. Oh no, for fun, it's flying in blown out colour. This week, if you play the bugle backwards and or sideways at half and or quadruple speed, you will find coded directions telling you how to turn a combine half-ister into a celibate sex robot and a corn silo into a statue of Charles Darwin. Don't tell anyone though, it's a secret. However, if you play the bugle forwards at normal

speed, you'll hear the usual unarguable truth about everything in the world this week. I'm Andy Zoltzmann and I'm here in London where nothing is quite as it seems. That's something London has in common with everywhere else in the universe. Oh, the section you absolutely. Joining me from the other side of the table. Alice Fraser. Hello Andy, hello, Bugle as how are you? I'm okay. Well, I've spent the last two days

watching cricket by contractual agreement with the BBC. So yeah I'm in a state of Zen calmness about things. I mean that's a beautiful thing. I just had lunch with the assistant. Alright. Good. I've had exposure to the good saltman today. Let's call it one all. Joining me from the other side of the Atlantic, actually that depends on which way you go. Joining me from the other side of the Atlantic, actually that depends on which way you go. Joining me from across Europe, Asia, the Pacific Ocean, and mainland USA. Or, if you go another way, across Europe, the Mediterranean, Africa, the southern ocean,

Antarctica, touch the South Pole, then run back north, scoops across the southern ocean, again on a shell of penguins, hitchhike up through South America, to publicistic the length of Central America, then roll a ski through the states of the East and Sea, all of the USA, all the way up to New York City. We got there in the end. It's Harry Kondo Bolu. Hey, and you forgot all the way up to the moon and then back to New York. Sorry, my mistake, I tried to cheat it. I mean, yeah, but then those long hole flights, they always seem like they're going to be better because they're cheaper, but then they end up taking way too long Gonna watch out for those extra legs. Yeah, I think that's what Neil Armstrong said when he landed

I was just trying to get to New Jersey. What the hell is this? I wonder if you get jet lag going to the moon. Oh I don't know The big questions. Yeah, the questions science is afraid to ask. How are you, Harry? You ask me this question every time I'm on, and every time I'm on, I don't know how to answer it. That's because you're still around. That's good.

I mean, that's because I'm British, and that's how we begin conversations and you're American. I mean, you'd think he keeps asking you. You'd probably get better at answering the question. Yeah. I wish, like often when I'm in the UK, people ask me, are you all right?

And I'd never heard that outside of the context of something seems wrong. And that's a thing you normally say. And I think that's really the most appropriate way to ask me how I'm doing is, are you all right? Because I can give you an honest answer. Right. That is true.

It does disconsert you when you move to the UK and people go, you're right. And you think, oh God, what have I done? Or, do I not look all right? It's very upsetting. So stop doing it, people in the UK. I feel like it's very reflective of the culture, though, that the question is something wrong must have happened. You must be in some kind of pain.

Tell me about it. Well, I mean, that dates back to when the Romans invited us. We'll never find it over. The The This week we are according on Friday the 17th of January. This week, the anniversary section and the section in the bin are one and the same thing because in the bin is

going our prize 17th of January quiz. Various questions about the 17th of January if you get them all right you can go and buy yourself a prize with your own money. Question one, what was banned 100 years ago today on the 17th of January 1920? Was it A. Belching in the Vatican City after Pope Benedict XV outlawed oral flatulence after calculating that Judas Iscariot probably let out a real window rattling burp at the last supper of the Jesus gave him that bit of bread probably said Benedict XV in effort to diffuse the tension with some humour. On the 17th of January 1920, was Stribble Cracking Band? What is Stribble Cracking you may ask exactly? It was a very effective band. Or was it C, alcohol

of the United States? Or was it D, women in the United States, after the American Society for the Propagation of Joylessness? Having successfully seen the prohibition band that make its way into law, lobbied Congress to ban all women as well. So A, B, C, or D, write your answers on a rock. Question two. On the 70th of January 1912, British polar explorer Captain Robert Scott reached the South Pole one month after the Norwegian explorer rolled Ammonson. But recently unearthed evidence suggests that Amundsen should have been disqualified from the race. Why?

Was it A, an illegal sled? The runners were eight inches longer than allowed by the International Polar Racing Association regulations at the time. And the illegal design of the tail fin on Amundsen's sled made it unfairly difficult for Scott to slipstream him due to the airflow. Was it B, Doc steroids?

Seriously, those huskies were unnaturally ripped. It's okay for Father Christmaston to his reindeer, they've got a job to do, but not in a competition. Should he have been disqualified for C, unnecessary roughness, or D, a full start, New evidence suggests that Amundsen reacted to the start pistol in less than the allowable 0.1 seconds allowed in athletics competitions. Obviously I mean it didn't make a lot of difference given his eventual victory margin of a month but rules are rules. I mean my favorite bit about that was the Holtout Huskies. Yeah well very Husky Huskies. Or was it E all of the above? Question three on this day in 1961, 17th January 1961, Dwight

D. Eisenhower made a farewell speech to the nation as he departed the White House. But which of the following things did he say in that speech? Was it A? Let me hear you all say, A-E-C! Was it B? I'm out of here and I'm going gonna get absolutely f***ing hammered. Bottler Cheat Burb and a 12 pack of blood. Was it C? We are family. I've got all my sisters with me. Was it D? Eyes and Hours? Eyes in for eight whole bloody years mate. Is this um, or was it E? As we peer into society's future, we, you and I, and our government must avoid the impulse to live only for today, plundering for our own ease and convenience,

the precious resources of tomorrow. We cannot mortgage the material assets of our grandchildren, without risking the loss also of their political and spiritual heritage. We want democracy to survive for all generations to come, not to become the insolvent phantom of tomorrow. I want it to be A so badly. No, sadly not. No, it's definitely not A.

You really are the cricket. I'm at the cricket. I'm at the cricket. It's what's getting a windowless room at the BBC. Well, in the art, I'm going to give away the answers that you're on for you. That was... Oh, no, sorry, I haven't done the F yet. Did he say that?

Or was it F? Did Eisenhower in his farewell speech say oh if I had to choose one Jane Mansfield all day long yeah ABCD E or F And finally incidentally do you know that Ike was short for icicle? Ike Crafone I forget um I did not know that short for icicle. Was it microphone I forget?

I did not know that. Question four. On this day, the 70th of January 1751, what did Italian composer Tomaso Albinoni ironically start doing? A. Pilates. B. writing the world's first hardcore pornographic opera. C. invent the mic drop. Or D. he started decomposing because he died. So, there you go, there's your prize quiz. Right, pens down.

I want to tell you the answers. Question one, it was alcohol in the United States prohibition began as the Vault-Stead act went into effect. I mean, Hori, do you think it's time for America to consider bringing this back for, you know, all time psych? And we already kind of have that with weed though, and that's going very well. It's been great. That, you know, just a little bit of drug trafficking and a lot of people in prison. So, I mean, that they also the perspective prohibition. I don't know when that began sometime around about the morning that George W. Bush won that election. Question two, all of the above, Aminston was a massive decades. Well done, Ike, wherever you are now.

And D, it was, well, question four, it was D, Albinoni, did die on this day in 1751. So I hope you've all got all those questions entirely correct. Great quiz, shame it's in the bin. So that's the UK says in ship test? Yeah, it is. It's not far off. You can bug down at all when you're in a row.

That section in the bin. Tops story this week. It's a bugle relationship special edition. This edition of the bugle is given entirely over to relationships. We're all in them, whether with other people, ourselves, our planet reality time physics, or might ease use himself, or other themself ourselves, our planet, reality, time, physics, or might ease use

himself, or rather themself now, I forget. But relationships are not easy, just ask a large proportion of all the people who have ever lived. And a number of prominent relationships are going through difficult phases at the moment. In particular, Prince Harry and co-Prince Meghan's relationship with the rest of the royal family, Britain's relationship with Britain, sorry, one of those Britain should have been England, I think not sure which one. The human race is a relationship with mother earth as well, pick the fossilised bones out of that one, Freud. And on a personal

level, my own relationship with Elizabeth Bathory, I am a happily married man with two children living in 21st century London, she was a Hungarian noblewoman and one of history's most prolific serial killers who died in 1614 and wasn't into cricket. It was really never going to work out between us. So lots of tricky relationships. So Alison and Harlow, what do you say is the most, you know, the relationship trouble that we should be most worried about right now. We're looking at Harry and Meghan, we're looking at the human race and the environment and the entire future of our species as a viable entity.

Obviously Harry and Meghan, this whole situation with Harry and Meghan deciding not to be as royal as people want them to be, is it's putting the oil into royalty, the owl into crown and the ur into hereditary royalty. Everyone seems to have an opinion on this, Annie and Harry, and I absolutely do not give a f***. Oh no, you can't say that. How can we deal with everything else if we don't deal with this first? I mean, by not dealing with this at all. Yeah, I mean, it's none of our business, but... I mean, you're right, Annie, how would the world work if we ignored things that weren't our business and focused on things that might be? Well, I mean, that would be an end to all politics and religion and pretty much everything else, wouldn't it?

Yes, as well as over-the-fence gossiping, which I for one, I'm not willing to give up. Well, it's better than under-the-fence gossiping. I'm regularly, just as a way of being retro, will put a scarf around my head and gossip over a fence to a neighbor who may not be there. Harry, what do you think? I mean, obviously, the British role family still essentially rules the United States by proxy if not in reality. So you must be very concerned about what's been going on. Well, I definitely, I'm going to disagree with Alice and I do think this is the most important story we should be following because it's the only one that we don't know how it'll end.

It's unclear. I mean, the Earth one, we know we're done for, you know? So this actually has some intrigue in it. I love this story. I love that they're leaving for Canada. Yes. I'm putting a dent in the Royal Family. I love it.

Just blow the whole thing up. I love it. My only wish in this story is that Megan Markle was Indian. It would be perfect Colonial justice if if only she was Magna Mukherjee would this be So complete. Well, I mean, yeah, I mean if she's been Indian and given that yeah If you an Indian plus the Royal family I don't think they're wedding would have ended yet, would it? That is correct

It case you missed the story, Bugler's Prince Harry and And Megan are stepping down from frontline Royaling they've left the British nation a gogg with concern that over the next few years some supermarkets So simply gonna have to open themselves. And Britain is just going to have to pick at random in a special nationwide raffle and ordinary couple about whom you get pregnant, about to have a baby to festoon with 24 hour day media coverage during the final days of pregnancy with wild speculation over the sex and name of their impending off sprang as well as perhaps its favourite colour, assumed superpower and its religion. It's hard to know why Harry and Meghan are wanting to step back from professional prinsing.

I think it's vanity. I think I agree with a lot of the tabloid press that it's vanity on Meghan's part. She just doesn't like how she looks on a plate. Okay, well that is something that many people marrying into the Roth family have not considered, to, you know, how do I look as crockery? I mean, it partly could, I guess, Harry, be something maybe to do with the remorseous media scrutiny and unthinking and unblinking

invasiveness and swatish hypocritical judgmentalism. Or it could be pretty good. You also left that racism. Sorry, yes, that's who. And it might be the weather. The British weather is very difficult for people who have not grown up with it to adjust to. So we just don't know which of those two it is.

Part of it, I think, is also, you know, she wants to pursue her acting career. She wants to actually be an independent person. And I feel like there's nothing wrong with that, leaving the royal family to pursue an acting career. I mean, it's not even to pursue an acting career. It's to pursue a better acting career. The royal family being a member of the royal family is part of an acting career. They have no power. They just need to do it because they're part of the

mystique of England. They are the ones acting. They're pretending like the fairy tale shit is real. They're like Mickey and Minnie at Disneyland. The kids want to see the people in costume. Well, look, I think it is, it is absolutely an acting career and I can understand why Megan Markle isn't interested in having done acting

that involves more than one expression, which is to say an expression that involves looking mildly interested and incredibly bored at the same time, but we all can see that Queen Elizabeth has, you know, obviously perfected. Well, I mean, that comes out from Queen Victoria, she absolutely nailed that. Yeah, it's middle-distance steering, but at least with Queen Victoria, you kind of imagine she was usually thinking about banging. Back well. Do you think that Alice, I mean,

she clearly wasn't a verse to it. I think that's the reason why Victorians have a reputation for prudery, just because the Queen was so, like, on the horn at all times that everyone else had to be a little bit uptight. Okay, I mean, do you have documentary evidence for this one? She wrote some quite racially letters to Albert, I think.

Yeah, Dorisly letters to Albert, the fact that the normal people thought that, I mean, do you have documentary evidence for this? I mean, she'd wrote some quite racy letters to Albert, I think. Yeah, Dorisie letters to Albert, the fact that the normal people thought that, I mean, normal rich people thought that they had to put skirts on table legs because they were too sexy. I think that's a myth, but it's a heart myth. Right. Yeah, I'm a less of a table-lex. I would argue that putting cloth over the table legs makes them more sexy. Because what's underneath that cloth?

Table legs. Well that's what we have. That's why we have table cloths as well. It's true. We're not showing the full kit in Caboodle isn't it? It's possible they're just moving away to get away from existing with an easy robbing distance of Dominic Rob. The latest scientific analysis suggests that Harry will drop down from his current status of 99.94% Royal to around 60.73% Royal, that's according to official Royal, Royalist and Sir Herbert Suckliffe. For Harry at 6th and 9th of the throne, I mean this is, this is the thing for him, isn't it?

He's Sixth and Line to the Throne and this is the year 2020 and things are going to have to get fantastically medieval for him to have even an outside shot of the hot sea. Or in fact, well, I don't know what we can call it the hot sea. The constitutional neither hot nor cold sea. Well, we need a King Ralph situation, right? If you Right. Of course, you all remember the classic film, King Ralph. I don't remember that. Oh, what happens is John Goodman works in Vegas. I think he's a lion singer or something. And the Royal Family is taking a photo every member of the Royal Family

and there's some kind of explosion from the camera that kills all of them, meaning this man who was somehow linked to the Royal Family because generations ago someone had an affair with somebody else creating this offspring. Now this Vegas Lounge singer has to be the King of England. Oh wow. Well that is a film I have to watch. It was a massive flop. Was it?

Like all the best films. You know, all this stuff makes me like Harry Moore to be honest. Because I disliked him after the photos of him dressing as a Nazi. You know, I can see your angle on that. Yeah. But I feel he's more than made up for it by marrying a black American woman and choosing her over the royal family. You know, he has to, he has to work for money now.

Yes. That's fundamentally against what the royal family is about. Well, he has a directive role in the brand management of his brand as rather for money. Yes. Well, I mean, I don't know what other transferable say. I mean, in many ways, he's giving the army at one point. Yeah, he was, he's, you know, he's very impressive young man in the little, I mean, I think I've laid my not giving a shit about the raw family cars family on the table over the years on the beautiful. He seems, he seems to have done, you know, let a pretty admirable existence in the context of being part of one of the world's most elaborate fiction. So, and it's interesting

the way that the media obsession with it and eventually, you know, the queen used her magic queenic powers to be queen the young couple with her queen queen aginous wisdom and that seems to be something of a of a rapprochement. They took a bit of a behind the scenes leasing and but we still don't know exactly what function Harry's gonna have in in in future. I mean I'm sort of wondering about the logistics of this. He's stepping back as a senior royal. Does this mean that someone else gets bumped up? Is it one in one out, Thunderdonne rules? Or are there just now fewer senior royals? Oh, what?

I don't know. And I mean, there's been long talk of modernization. And we said, we have this, you know, the royal seeding, it's like Wimbledon, isn't it? So maybe you take the top 128 ranked people in line to the throne and have a straight knock. I mean, obviously, that's not how they do it at women because there's wild cards and things.

So maybe you can have, you know, the top 100, then a load of qualifiers through some kind of dueling competition and then maybe eight wild cards for the organized, just pick, you know, celebrities are gonna bump up the ticket cells. Yeah, absolutely. I'm for that. Is Ferg you're gonna come back into rotation?

Is what I want to know? Oh, I don't know I mean that's another possibility. It could be like the fourth plinth intrafalgar square They have sort of rotating sculptures on that you just have a different sixth in line to the throne every every six months or so How would you be interested in joining the British Royal family? Huh I'm a comedian so you know I don't like working so that's good. But I just, I don't know. I mean, I feel like if I was asked to join the British Royal family initially, it would

be like, oh, this seems like a cool gig. But then I'm pretty sure it would be a trick because they'd probably have a little uniform for me and then a trade to carry drinks on. I don't know. I don't think it'll end well. Clearly that's, you know, that relationship within their royal family has been awkward a lot of a wild speculation from our, I believe constitutionally known as the f***ing infantile press. But arguably in an even more polar state is the human race's relationship with our current

host planet, I mean current host planet I say, I mean it nothing lasts forever. But our relationship with earth has become increasingly frosty. Ironically, the less frosty earth has actually actually become. So there's been some slightly dire, I mean Alice, clearly Australia just seems to be living out a frankly horrific look into the burning future of this planet. Yes, it is the consequence of what is literally years of ignored warnings that have piled up and then suddenly all come to fruition in a completely

unpredictable way that everyone could see coming if they took two seconds to have a look at it. But certainly it seems to have at least had the positive side effect of this horrific tragedy being that people have a little bit of a look at the potential that maybe everyone else who was warning them about potentially horrifying outcomes might have been right. And I think the should we go on to this story now? Well, I just got to do a little bit more. I guess the thing is we spend a lot of time

as humans sort of obsessing about what the future will be like. And generally we picture robots, space travel, teleportation, jet packs, still with a jet pack, some day moon cricket. That kind of thing. We don't tend to picture the more apocalyptic side of an 11 million hectare fire, just an area of the size of Portugal. I feel I feel like the burnt co-olabare pictures I've seen kind of should do the trick, but it won't. Like a burnt co-olabare is like the symbol of the movement to save the planet. If watching Cuddly Things Burn to Death

doesn't move you, then we have nothing. Well, I mean, the sad looking penguin hasn't done it. So, I mean, I guess- No, no, no, no, as the turtle with a store up its nose. Yeah. I don't know why I'm laughing, sorry. I just imagined it doing cocaine, sorry. The climate crisis, well, I mean,

it's had a terrific week actually. Top five, clean sweep are the top five places in the world, economic forums, global risks report. The top, the biggest five risks affecting the planet over the next 10 years, according to this report, for the first time it's been, it's been a clean sweep. I feel the virus is seriously impressive, isn't it? I for one, so, you know, I'm so pleased for climate change to finally sweep this I know it's been going for a while

I mean it's with the wards you want to know you know how much of the you know the green lobby got in this light up It's like the Oscars isn't it? Yeah, you know, is it the big stew? Is it really are they really the best films? I mean are these really the biggest for it or is it just that you have the green party obviously run Australia and everyone else in the world of just that the green party obviously run Australia and everyone else in the world of gumbo in the scenes and bump them up. Look, I'm thrilled at last that our world's most prominent economists have managed finally to quantify the financial risk of our planet spectacularly shitting itself up the wall like a dog with diarrhea being used in a Banksy. It is.

Sorry, I thought you were going to... I didn't realise you'd finished it. I thought you'd about say Banksy, I'm about say Bank Siege. That's also good. Banksy running a Bank Siege would be a thing I'd pay to see. It is one thing for people to worry about the future of their children, but that's sort of wishy-washy, and really, how do you know that your children won't turn out to be cockheads who deserve a dust bowl wasteland future? It is another thing to imply that you might not be able to buy your way out of it,

because the stock market might be subject to an extreme weather event. I mean, this is the top five on the list, extreme weather events, failure of climate change mitigation and adaptation by governments and businesses, human-made environmental damage and disasters, major biodiversity loss and ecosystem collapse, and this one I've got a bit of an issue with, major natural disasters such as earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions and geomanetic storms. We can't be blamed for that. We can't be blamed for volcanoes, can we? I think we can. Well, I mean, so everything's so we can just ignore the others then, can we?

I mean, no, I think we have to pay attention to all of them. That's a shame. Also, five is just a better number than four. If it was just the top four, it just doesn't have the same, you know? Yeah. You got to put something in for number five. But anyway, the environment, it turns out, is a way bigger threat to this planet's future than amongst other things.

Terrorism, alien invasion, shark attacks, feral man-eating goat infestations, the vengeful wrath of a furious god, and all gods gods basically the same as the previous one. An asteroid strike also the same. That this I'm most worried about is VAR in football, the video replay in football in a crucial World Cup match in the next football World Cup sparking a global conflict Which I think can easily happen. Or the sudden realization that life isn't about money and the growing suspicion of all our priorities as a planet and a species are fundamentally wrong. So the environment seems to have knocked all those off the podium. When BlackRock is divesting itself of coal futures, that's when you know the winds are changing. And they're not any changing, but they're blowing dangerously fast.

Yes, also if you're in Australia, you know the winds are changing because your house catches fire. Bushfires apparently were so bad that they had to suspend the start of the Australian open, which is kind of a positive spin because it's the most attention the Australian opens ever got. Like winning five Australian opens is not, you know, oh wow, you won five Australian opens. That's like having the biggest mansion in Cincinnati.

Well, actually, you know, Harry, it wasn't delayed because of climate change. It was delayed because of the absolute awareness that Margaret Court would say something about gay people causing climate change. Who changed? Oh, I want Serena Williams to beat that record so bad. Just so she, like Margaret Court,

does not have that record It's really out of hatred for that one more than anything. I love Serena, but I hate her more than I love Serena I was talking to qualifying that was still like don't the actual they're still hoping to go away Go ahead with the actual competition bear among them They do generally make players play in 48 degree on court temperatures anyway. So you know, if it's actually on fire, would it make any difference? Might be a harder for the line judges to get the calls for it.

It was funny how we all used to think that Margaret Court was a beautiful example of nominative determinism because of court and tennis court, but actually it was a nominative determinism because every time she says something, she makes you want to go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go places, burns and the prospect of getting growth greater and greater here in Britain. The government is doing our bit by proposing cutting tax on short haul flights, which is just what the world has been crying out for. And the terrorism police have list extinction rebellion as an extremist ideology, which I'm pretty far out there, isn't it, wanting to have a planet to live on

in 50 years time? Oh yeah, I mean you're allowed to care about the environment just not the way that it causes disruptive performance art. You've got to sit back and wait till the economists decide something's a problem, because say what you like about economists, they're great at caring about the future of humanity. If saving the planet is an extremist ideology, who else made that list? Superman? Yeah.

Greta Thurmburg. In other human relationships news, now dating is going literally space age. A Japanese billionaire has announced that he is seeking a girlfriend for his voyage to the moon. Now I'm not a dating expert. I've never been to the moon and I've never really been on a date either. When my wife and I got together we've known each other for three and a half years and we're sharing a house of students. So dating, dating one really the right term. But anyway, the advice to the moon, is that really the place, not just for a date, but for a first date? I mean, that's a lot to, you've set the bar high, haven't you? Yeah, well, and yes, the song goes, fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars.

Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. In other words, I've got too much money. In other words, and no boundaries. And also, spring on Jupiter and Mars is literally fatal. Yes. Yes. I mean, there's nothing to give a pick on sea to a first date, like the knowledge

that someone could fall out and airlock. I think it's great. I think aspiring astronauts and trophy wives alike will leap at the opportunity for some zero-g day time. I mean some people will go for this. I know it sounds appalling, but 5% I think of women say that they enjoy getting unsolicited dick pics. So you can't. 5%? Yeah, something like that. How much was it? You got a dad wrong. Yeah, I have. I think it's 5 percent, but I'm just checking. 12 percent of women have asked to be sent a dick pick. Oh, that's slightly different.

That is very different. It's a different service. It's still quite a lot, though. Oh, yeah, that's still quite a lot, yeah. If a moon rocket isn't the biggest dick pick, you can flash around. I don't know what it is. I mean, it's setting it, but it's setting the bar high for the rest of their relationship, isn't it?

Literally. Yeah, do I want to go and see Fast and Furious 12 and then get a bite to eat at the local tap as bar? Well, I can objectively see that's not such a bad evening out, but it's not the f***ing moon, is it? Well, I think he's given up on earth relationships. I think that's what this is. He just feels his chances will improve

by being the only man available. I just think he wants to see Tits in zero, G. What a muppet separate episode that was. Someone once said not if you were the last man on earth and he said I'll take that. Oh man, I want to go for this just so that I can go to the moon and say I don't like him. I don't think this is going to work out and then you have the incredibly awkward journey back to earth. Yeah, there's no way you can get separate oopers back from that. Are there no rules for space travel?

Have we not? Have we just decided everything is fine? There must be some rules that a billionaire can't just go on a date with someone in a spaceship. Like there's no rules about this. There are no rules in space. No one can call the HR department. In other technology news, researchers in America

have assembled cells from frogs into tiny robots that move around on their own. Let's be specific. It's African-clawed frogs, which makes it sound even more terrifying. This is where it begins, isn't it? I mean, today robot frogs tomorrow, robot toads, and then where? Robot geckos, and obviously they're going to move up from amphibians to reptiles, obviously they get to go and then robot ferrets. But eventually you're going to end up with a giant robot ferret toad frog that can hack your internet, clamp your car and vaporize your elderly relatives.

So I've seen sci-fi films, well I've seen one sci-fi film about a giant robot ferret toad frog. I mean this shouldn't be the first time I've heard of African-clawed frogs when they're being melded with robots to make half-robot, half-frog beasts circling around eating mosquitoes and becoming problematically sentient. I mean if you're going to turn animals into killer robots, which I assume this is what they're all about. I mean, why not choose an animal that doesn't already have claws? I mean, that's...

And also, justifiable grudge against the kind of Western economic industrial mite that was built on centuries of exploitation of African. I mean, this is really opening up as disastrous, isn't it? On the upside, when we have frog smart phone crossbeads, it won't matter when your iPhone jumps into the toilet. Ha ha! Have none of these scientists actually read science fiction? This is not going to end well.

Ha ha ha! Like, are there no rules here, either? There's like, has no one decided, like, creating new beings is a mistake, especially when the Earth is ending. Maybe it's a waste of time to create new things that will die. That's a very old fashioned view, horror. I'm just breaking new stuff. The new scientist is rebranding and is changing its title to this cannot possibly end well. Historically, apparently, roboticists have tended to favor sort of more durable things, like metal and plastic for building robots, but also, you know, because they last longer

and they're harder to break, and the very concept of them doesn't make you scream yourself awake at night. But Michael Liven, the director of the Allen Discovery Center at Tufts University in Mettford, Massachusetts, and man, presumably wearing a white lab coat and small round dark goggles like a steam punk, anime, German science villain, says that these are going to have benefits because when they're damaged, if you have make living robots, they can heal their own wounds. And once their task is done, they will just decompose naturally, if terminators two through six haven't provided enough of a prophetic warning about the dangers of robots that can regenerate on the fly. But the one I've been looking into this

because it's horrifying and fascinating. One of the most successful of these David Cronenberg body horror frog-bot creations is a thing that has two stumpy legs and just a chest. That's it, two stumpy legs and a chest. And another one has a hole in the middle of it that researchers have turned into a pouch so it can sort of shimming around, carrying little things in itself. And the suggesting that this might be a really good prototype for injecting small frog bots into the human body to deliver payloads of medicine to specific sources. I mean just all of it, all the stories always sound like scene one from a absolutely catastrophic film. I mean this is what Michael Leven has said, this is the leader of this program, he says, these are entirely new life forms, they have never before existed on Earth. They are living programmable organisms.

And then he went on to say, I can see no problems from this arising in the future. Has no one read the island of Dr. Moro? Has no one read, is it, everyone's just reading the time machine? Like, this... we know what's going to happen here. A bad movie remake. Alex, your bugles are dating Agony Ant. Yes, indeed. Dating tips for all listeners.

Well, I'm always willing to take people and listen to questions for relationship advice, but here's just some general advice for 2020. Never go to bed angry. Stay awake until you've both said unforgivable things that you can never take back. A strong enough Wi-Fi signal and a Netflix subscription can paper over cracks in a relationship for an indeterminate period of time, assuming you both have similar tastes in binge watching. You cannot change a man unless you're injecting frog robot cells into his body. Well there we go. There's your advice for 2020.

Path to have. Any relationship tips for our listeners, Harry? No, yeah, me neither. My only advice is that if your relationship is going through a tricky phase, just remember that we'll be dead within 100 years in no one will care. Keep a bit of perspective. Sport now and a sport relationship with politics and ethics is always under the microscope. The International Olympic Committee has issued regulations over protests at the Olympic Games, which take place in Tokyo later this year. Basically saying there's no place for politics in the Olympic

Games. That is apart from athletes perading around, wearing branding from political entities known as countries. A country is a political entity. And also the entire event being absolutely inundated with the sponsor from global corporations. But apart from that, no politics is an also. I think it's been more concerned about the competitors body-shaming everyone else on the planet who is not in prime political condition. I mean how about you know some ordinary people that we can relate to winning the 200 meters butterfly for one. I mean I'm going to be doing what I do every Olympics,

which is sneaky into the Olympic Village and poking holes into all of the condoms that they supply for free to all Olympic athletes. It's my small gesture towards genetic engineering of our species. What's going on in the stories about how many of those condoms are used? That is a big job. That is a, those are some horny horny people. I just want to see the beautiful crossbreed between a gymnast and a basketballer. Right, I'd rather...

Do they have basketball in the Olympics? Yes, they do. I don't know, kind of a heavyweight weight lifter and an eye stanza. I mean is that biologically possible? But just think about all of the, yeah, all of that. Trying to breed a giraffe with a terrapin. The eye says that the previous boycotts had quote no effect whatsoever. Let's look at the historical evidence of this. 1984, they were Cold War boycotts. The Americans didn't go to Moscow in 1980.

1984, most of the Eastern block countries not go to Los Angeles. The Cold War ended within 10 years. Huge real effective. 1976, anti-apartheid boycotler, most Africans countries did not go to the Montreal Games. A apartheid ended just 15 years later. Carlos and Smith, Jesse Owens, that was hugely political.

I mean, if they're so worried that it's so political, why did they have the Olympic games in Nazi Germany? Seemed like they could have steered away from Nazi Germany. Yeah, and you're Beijing in 2008. Right, there is. Interesting Olympic protest fact. Every synchronized swimming event is deeply political, but you just can't hear the slogans they're screaming

because they head to underwater. That concludes this week's, this week's beautiful. I hope all your relationship issues have been solved. Hori, thanks very much for joining us any shows to listen to. Yes, January 23rd through the 25th, that's next week, New York City, I'm headlining Caroline's on Broadway, February 19th, I'm performing in Durham, North Carolina at the Motorco Music Hall.

February 20th, I'm performing in Savannah, Georgia at a venue called Victory North, which considering the show is in Savannah, Georgia makes me feel very welcome. February 21st in Houston, Texas at the Secret Group and finally March 6th in Oklahoma City at the Pyramount Room. That bugle has to go to all of those gigs. Thank you very much for listening and to play you out. A small selection of more lies about our bugle premium voluntary subscribers. Ronan Mitchell, Rachel Buchelman, Kenneth Jung and Brendan Johnson, all formed a collective

of bugle voluntary subscribers to speculate groundlessly on what the great artistic figures of human history would have done if they'd been shit instead of great at what they did, and alive today instead of alive whenever they were actually alive. Ronan has concluded that celebrity composer Ludwig Van Beethoven would have run a small business putting on clown discos for school parties. Rachel reckons that novelist J. Nostin might have been a life coach or a golf commentator. Kenneth concludes that philosophy ace Plato would have been an advertising copywriter specialising in yogurt promotion, and Brendan won the Collective's Speculator of the Week award this week for his claim that

flesh fan painting superstar Peter Boul Rubens would have worked for a tabloid newspaper writing articles about how female celebrities have put on weight. Another group of bugle-voluntary subscribers are all increasingly concerned about the names of elements tagged onto the arse end of the periodic table. They're becoming more and more ridiculous, blast-stab-id cure. Where will it end? We've already got sea ballgame, which I assume is used to make robot attachments for aquatic animals like sharks and swordfish, and that frankly is the last thing we need. Paul Showwater adds his personal disparage towards the element Moscovium.

No one even knows what it does complaints Paul, but it's probably spying on us, and more over it probably reacts very dangerously with vodka, very dangerously indeed. Fellow Elementsceptic Jason Scott Lewis reserves his greatest science score for Californium, which he notes is only known about at all because of the beat boy song, California Girls, which covers the Wilson Brothers' curious fetish for women made entirely out of radioactive chemical elements that are not naturally found on Earth. This concern about periodic table elements has frankly been spreading virally amongst bugle voluntary subscribers. Jeremy Resnick has issues with the element dubbingum, which he describes as a useless piece

of shit, perhaps a little harshly. Jeremy explains it has only even the most tangential use when scrunched into an artificial compound with sulfur, talurium and phosphorus to form the dangerously radioactive electronic dance compound Dubstep. More positively, Nicholas Campagne, without wishing to denigrate his fellow voluntary subscribers for their negative views of the elements, is a fan of many of the elements on the periodic table. Zinc is a classic says Nicholas, terrific little metal, and a bloody glorious syllable to say.

Zinc, go on, give it a go. Zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc. Go on, give it a go. Zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc.