The Bugle - Bugle 4147 - Urine with a chance

Episode Date: April 4, 2020

Andy is with Anuvab and Hari in a tri-continental take on the Coronavirus. Featuring the latest on Trump's press conferences, friendly Indian police and some high class fake news.Support The Bugle. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donateWe have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here.(apologies for the odd dip in audio quality)The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanHari KondaboluAnuvab PalAnd produced by Chris Skinner. FUB. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bueglers, and welcome to issue 4,147 of the Buegl Audio newspaper for a

suspendedly animated world. I am Andy Zotsman coming to live and pre-recorded from the shed. My shed, which is very much becoming the Abbey Road Studios of the coronavirus lockdown era Audio newspaper podcast recording industry. It's Friday the 3rd of April 2020 and nothing has ever happened on this day before because this is the first year of the rest of history. Joining me from various different parts of the world firstly in New York City, it's Harry Kondabalu. Hello, Harry, how are you? You asked me that question every time I'm on it, Andy. I'm not good. Things are bad, Andy. There's a global plague. Hey, how are you, Harry? During the global plague, how are you? You must be well, you know, because there's a global plague.

Usually, yeah, you're pretty downbeat when there's no global plague. So I was hoping maybe with a global plague usually yeah, yeah, you're pretty downbeat when there's no global plague So I was hoping maybe with a global plague you might have just like flip chip polarity the other way Like like perhaps I'm like thank God It's almost over This is what I've been waiting for this whole time take me home father and Take me home father and Join us also from Mumbai India. It's Anu Vapal Hi Anu Vap but how how I mean India is having an interesting Interesting time with the device you were locked down at four hours notice. That's correct. Hi Andy. Hi, hurry. You know

Things are bad in India, but I feel like every other day in my life in India the last 30 years, there's been a pandemic of some kind of the other. This is an actual pandemic but you know we've been through a range of like almost pandemics on a regular basis. So all of you are finding it odd that a country of 1.3 billion people were shut down with 4 hours notice, right? But look at all the benefits, right? What are the main benefits is that we're such a chaotic sort of insane, overpopulated country that if you add some more chaos and insanity, it really just gets into the mix. Just think of it like a cake. You know, if you've already

got flour and batter, just adding more flour and batter, it's just going to make the cake fluffier. So, you know, we just had four hours to get all our essentials, rather around in a very populated, insane country. So it wasn't difficult at all, apart from the fact that a bunch of people died, a lot of people starved, other than that, everything was fine. That's even darker than what I usually say. As I said, we are recording on Friday the 3rd of April 2020. No anniversary this week, no dates to let you know of this is the beginning of time As always however a section of the people is going straight in the bin this week a free alternative news bulletin

Now the news around the world has been 99% virally infected by the virus, even if it's not about the virus with the news, it's hard to shake your hyper-conry-acquagal instinct that it is, in fact, at least tangentially, about the virus. In fact, coronavirus has now killed 94% of the other news stories that it has come into contact with, which is an extremely worrying statistic. It is highly contagious from a news point of view. However, here at the Bugle, we've never been entirely concerned with things that are actually happening. We've always strove to also bring your attention

to the events and stories that are not happening and therefore are not covered by other news outlets. So for these pestilently virus-only news times we are living through, this week's section of the bin is a free alternative news bulletin made up entirely of stories that are not happening to help take your minds off the ones that are happening, read by our resident newsreader, Per Twin Range. Thank you, Andy. The headlines today, Donald Trump, the partially elected president of the United States, has stepped down from his post after becoming trapped in a greenhouse by a sudden rapid onset fear of leopards.

I'm not coming out, said he now, former President. I've heard they're everywhere and they have very sharp teeth. Vice President Mike Pence was unable to take office after being placed in suspended animation by God, the prominent Christian deity who issued a statement saying, come on America, you must have better than this. And sports news, finally, the NBA are reportedly trialing a new height-sensitive basket, which automatically adjusts its height, depending on the stature of the player about to try to pop dunk or flak the ball in. NBA commissioner Arthur Triffid told a freshly pressed conference that the sport

had to make itself fairer or risk alienating the under 6-inch community. The hoop sets itself at a height of 51.7% above the player's standing height, a quo-efficient calculated by dividing the height of the current basketball hub by the average height of an NBA player. Now, said Triffid, we will see who can really play the game. He also announced the introduction of a second scoring receptacle elsewhere on the court. It will be like a giant cat flap, he said, low down near the halfway line, four points if you get it in, without knocking the cat's milk bowl over. And finally the weather, it's getting hotter here, so take

off some, but by no means all of your clothes, Andy. Bertwin, thank you very much. I hope that news has helped you out a bit in these travel times. There is nothing wrong with that NBA idea. That's brilliant. Then we can actually know who's good at basketball and who's just tall. Yeah, exactly. I've long thought this is a great floor in that sport, hurry, I know you're a big fan. Big fan. Yeah. It's got to change. And we must have the technology to do that now. Top story this week, well, as always, these days, the same top story that has been top story around the world since, well, since the start of the year. Essentially, the coronavirus has proved to be an absolute master strategist of a disease that has tall and dense and purposes

dismantled the world as a functioning entity in three months of Mayhem. And how's it been affecting your lives on a personal basis, first of all? I mean, Harry, New York's been horrifically affected by this, how are you getting on? Well, my life is essentially the same. I'm in a studio apartment with no pants on. Oh, you mean no trousers, Harry? Yeah, that's what I meant

So that's that's about the same the only difference is my girlfriend can't go to work so she's also here Which means I kind of have to alter my behavior like I can't just do what I normally do I have to make it look like I'm doing work Which in the past there was no way just do what you to do. And now it almost feels like there's this pressure to show that what I'm doing is actual work that I actually do have a quote unquote job. You know, because you can't just explain like, I know I'm watching old NBA videos, but it's all part of the process. That was never a problem before. And now all of a sudden, I I can justify my whole existence, Andy.

Well, there's a lot of people around the world struggling to justify their existence if I'm using myself as a statistical sample of one. Anyhow, how things... I am a fat and mumboi. And you know, like Hari, you know, I generally don't do much, so not much has changed from a life and earning perspective, but I am being exploited, Andy, Hari, that I need to bring this up. This is my way to vent. My neighbour, Mr. Ramesh Patel, has been showing me various statistics about how people of us 60 are affected by the coronavirus

and why he's particularly susceptible to it. And I realized that this whole thing was a ruse because he's basically having the vegetable shop for him. I have essentially become Mr. Patel Servant without realizing this. So my immediate change, Harry Andy, is that I am now domestic hell. I like how you said his name. And initially I was like, can you say his name? And then I was like, huh, Ramesh Patel in India. I'm sure no one will figure this out. Exactly. My apartment building has 14 of them and we have 12 flats.

of them and we have 12 flats. Um, politically there has been a worldwide ballet of incompetence, ingenuity, complacence, overreaction, and it prances on this ballet, the untrained choreographers ruling our world, basically, you're shouting from the wings for f**k's sake, just keep waggling your legs about it, at least looks like dancing. Um, and it's a, it And it's a truly global problem. There are only 18 countries in the United Nations catalog that have still not officially recorded a case, including Yemen. I mean, some places get all the luck, don't they?

Well, they've just added two good for too long. There has been a worldwide, extremely distressing rise in the number of incidences of celebrities singing needlessly. And a wide range of responses by different governments, we're keeping told that this virus does not discriminate, but clearly it does discriminate. It discriminates against countries with blazingly incompetent leaders. And I think it's very odd. I mean, Britain and America, we seem to have erred on the side of recklessness in terms of delaying lockdown and failing to test. How have you enjoyed the reaction of your beloved president to this enveloping crisis? Sometimes I find it very entertaining and then I remember its reality and then it's no longer

entertaining. It's terrifying. He tried to put a positive spin on what's going on by talking about how great his press conference ratings are. It should be noted that 9-11 also had incredible news ratings. They had nothing to do with the president at the time. We were all scared scared we're hoping for information but Trump it's like we need to figure out what's going on and what's important about his press conferences are we hear all the things he says and we know those are things not to do unless the doctor Anthony Fauci is there at which point he'll be like well actually or

What I'm saying agrees with the president It actually doesn't but I'm gonna say to agrees with him So he doesn't get upset that what I'm about to say will contradict every ridiculous thing He just said so it's been a roller coaster. I'm gonna guess this is a time for world leaders They've been forced into doing what they seldom want to do and that is look at themselves in The mirror and the problem for Trump is that his mirror is one of his old two-way mirrors from his misworld days that he used to Look that's here. So obviously, but but the point is having Trump in charge now

That's not exactly the soothingly or authoritative political bomb that America is looking. So that phrase just what the doctor ordered. I've not sure any doctor in this circumstance would order a megalomaniac delusionist obsessed with himself. That is going on no prescription form. Perhaps Dr. Doom? Possibly. He might be his running mate in the in the november election

he's not handling any criticism well i mean he never handles criticism well but like the presses not even i don't even think they're really criticism asking him pointed and thoughtful questions you meet your alcindor uh... of of pbs was yelled at by the president

uh... to have to say that by the president but by tromp for telling him what he said about governors asking for equipment they don't need which is something he said on and he and he got very upset and he denied saying it and felt that the media

is not nice he just wants them to be nice and he thinks they should be more positive. And then days later, Yamee Jae-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- he was upset and said quote you should be saying congratulations instead of asking a really snarky question and by snarky he means factual and by congratulations he means kind of doing your job and this follows previous incidents with pd of NBC when he just asked what you say to Americans who were scared and he yelled at Pete Alexander. John Carl asked does everyone get a ventilator that needs one and then Trump respite. Don't be a cutie pie. Which I no one knows what that means.

No one no don't be a cutie pie if I was John Crawl I would respond but I can't help it And the end of up what I've decided to do is I've come up with three Potential things the media can say okay that he would accept right Mr. President harry kun de Bole from the Bugle, how is Barack Obama responsible for this pandemic? And is there any truth to the rumor that coronavirus is also originally from Kenya? Here's another

example. Mr. President, Harikun de Bole from the bugle? I have a question that many of my colleagues in the media are too afraid to ask, can you grab me by the pussy? And finally, Mr. President, are you going to bother from the bugle? How have you been able to handle this crisis in such a remarkably calm, selfless and focused way while remaining so God damn handsome? Followed question, can I suck your dick? It just seems like at this point people would watch any press conference other than the one that has a tunnel trump. I've been reading a little bit about Andrew Cuomo and his brother and how that's become viral. And yesterday I was watching President Trump and at one point he said,

this virus operates differently than human beings. Is it true that people in the United States would are just latching on to any other press conference, like maybe from Anthony Fauci or anybody else? You know, I don't know if this is a standard belief, but people like their leaders when they seem competent, when they seem like they know what they're doing, as if they can actually lead, as opposed to making us feel more scared.

It's a bit old-school life. I do think we're holding on to any kind of leadership whatsoever. I mean, sometimes I just listen to old Barack Obama speeches. They have nothing to do with what's happening now, but it makes me believe like, if he was in office, perhaps I would be less afraid of imminent death. So you basically suggest that what they should do instead of letting Trump loose with a press conference, he's just get Daniel Dailouist to dress up as Abraham Lincoln and do the Getty's burger dress every day,

and I would just help. That would probably be better for America. That's how they know what I said, but yes, that is exactly what we should be doing. Trump's exit strategy for getting out of this mess. He said a little while ago, one day it's like a miracle, it will disappear. The science is not entirely supported his theory, the miraculous end to the coronavirus crisis. And I guess it's that kind of rigorous evidence-driven long-term strategizing for which the world turns to its great leaders at such times. But even if I mean it's if it's going to disappear, I don't think it's going to disappear like a miracle because that

will be an extremely shit miracle that takes months and probably years to happen and leaves hundreds of thousands of people dead in its wake as well as untold economic and personal devastation that is not exactly getting everyone steamingly hammered at a wedding on top-grade Vino is it? That is not a good miracle. No, no it's not because it leads us to believe perhaps the miracle is that when we're all dead there will no longer be a virus to disturb us. That's a pretty low bar. That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That's the most... That before shutting India. Now he's not a leader who will turn down any open goal shot at causing massive social chaos. We saw that. I think the first time you're on the show with the removing of the majority of banknotes

and the circulation at I think a three minute notice period for that pretty much. I mean, four hours, that's barely even enough time to panic by 78 tins of smurf getty, these spaghetti shapes in tins in oddly blue sauce, which managed to get hold of before the lockdown here. I'm collecting my tokens. I want that talking fantasy smurf to hold. If it's the last thing I get my hands on. So the upshot seems to have been, you know, millions of people sort of stranded, unable to get home, therefore having to walk home or find anywhere getting home across across and you What's the kind of level of mayhem that Modi has helped unleash here? You know

Prime Minister Modi has gotten to this habit of showing up on television About eight in the evening and he makes an announcement a few days before he did this before taking away most of our currency And he did this recently when he announced that the whole country was going into lockdown. So basically I think he really enjoys creating this sort of anticipation and panic leading up to his speech. And in that time 1.3 billion people are usually thinking the worst. Among the things being speculated was that he would declare an emergency, he would kill everybody, he would shut off all the electricity and water. So what he ended up doing, which is a

total lockdown, it actually had a calming effect for a bit because people have expected far worse from him. I mean the interesting thing here gentlemen is that you know I mean Hari you know India well and you know India well. One thing India is not is chaotic and overpopulated. And Finland has a lot to learn from us. I mean you've heard of Germanic efficiency but it actually came from Indian efficiency. And one of the basic things that you're not going to have when you shut down a country with no notice is you're not going to have undocumented millions and millions of undocumented laborers suddenly finding themselves with no income and no shelter having to walk pretty much the length of Europe to go back home. Now that's what ended up happening the next day and one of the things the

Prime Minister said very sensibly is we were not anticipating this. To which Shaker Hupdar, the editor of the Idid Express, essentially asked, if this is not what you were anticipating, what were you anticipating? So we basically had the greatest mass migration we've had in India since the partition where a country that I forget which country I'm the but some country in the world drew a border between India and Pakistan and people had actually people had more notice than furniture to Modi gave us to choose between Indian Pakistan than they have to walk from one country to the other. I think if I remember correctly, Cyril Radcliffe drew the India Pakistan line and Indians and Pakistanis had a month to sort of get across. A lot of people killed lots of people killed each other but there was a month. Modi gave us, he gave his speech at 8 pm and he said by 12 o'clock

everything was going to shut down. Without adding in his speech that tiny requirement that essential supplies would be available, groceries would be of him, that you would be able to shop for medicines. Those tiny details he did nothing important, he left it out of the speech. So what happened after he finished his speech at a 30 was the entire country rushed on to the roads. At a country of 1.3 billion became a coronavirus hot zone because of his speech. Let's look for the positives. There's been a reduction in pollution in India due to the lockdown. We've heard stories similar to this from China and elsewhere as well. The coronavirus is proven to be one of the most effective militant eco warriors in the history of the Green movement. It is

done what Greta Thunmo couldn't have even dreamed of doing. It's reduced pollution in India. I mean, look, a lot of people are very upset about this because the IQ Air visual 2019 world map gave us a leadership position. It said 21 of the world's 30 most polluted cities were in India. The city of Kanpur in Uttar Pradesh is so polluted that when you basically open weather.com, it says don't go there. And we lost that leadership position, you know.

Andy Hari, my grandmother in the last 15, 20 years has not seen a blue sky over Calcutta where she lives There was a bright blue sky yesterday and she refused to believe that she was in India and I think that this is gonna Have significant mental health issues for the agent if the air starts clearing up like this And I have a follow-up question. I was doing some math math Sandy. Thank you. And correct me if I'm wrong, but if Modi gave Indians four hours to get ready, you four hours notice using Indian standard time, that means that Indian started reacting to this two hours after India had already shut down. I was at the grocery store hurry at two in the morning and I was surprised to find it shut

because Because you know, I have relationship with my local grocery store I said I'm coming to you by 10pm. He knew I meant 2am. He should have kept it open. He knew that he had a relationship with both Indians. We have that understanding. And you know, he shut it down. Now I have nothing to feed Ramesh Patel and I don't know what this is. This would be one of the up shots of the global shutdown. And time, I mean, you spend so long just in the same place unable to move time, kind

of mutates in various strange ways. And it is possible that the Indian five minutes, which is approximately 45 to 120 minutes of time elsewhere in the world, could actually just become the standard length of, you know, say school classes, you sit your kids down and you've got to keep things a bit looser at home, you say we're just going to do an Indian five minutes on geography or the history of the penguin or whatever. This could be one of the lasting changes that we see. Yeah, and you know, I've thought a lot about this guys, you know, I think it's essentially because you guys in the Western world have Christianity, this notion of definitive time and guilt that there's this much

time on earth I have sinned and I need to do all this stuff to get better so I can go to heaven. The good thing about having a religion that gives you karma is that time is infinite right so the whole point is you know yes I'm going to die but I'm going to be reborn as a centipede or I'm going to be reborn as the David Attenborough but the point is you know I will show up I will show up 8 pm might mean 8 am it might mean 7 pm and I might show up as myself or a centipede but but I will come. People give us a hard time about time. I know you guys are more performed here. You know India, you know, 7pm, the show might start at midnight.

You know, yeah, we're flexible. But that's all has to do with Hinduism, I think. Just one last point I want to make is that Hinduism has already presented the solution to coronavirus, which I think you guys know and have been following. The Modi's ruling party, the BJP India's right-wing party, have presented an immediate solution to coronavirus. The cow is holy where I'm from and they have presented cow urine as a vaccine for coronavirus. It is also true that they presented cow urine as a vaccine for cancer, for any other physical ailment, for divorce, for other

domestic things. But as of now, the right-wing party is a peddling cow urine as a solution. And given where the world is, it stands as good a chance as hydrochloroquine or whatever it is. Trump demands that the FDA allow cow urine onto the market. He's been demanding it for months and by some repute, he's something of an expert in other forms of urine. Anyway, that was ages ago. Let's forget Indian policing, Anivab. They've been dealing with this lockdown in pretty entertaining way,

including the use of fancy dress, which is not generally a huge... I guess actually, I don't say that, please do wear fancy dress every day but I mean there's degrees of fancy dress and you know wearing a police uniform I guess doesn't necessarily stretch quite as far as for example putting a helmet shaped like the coronavirus on to try to warn people to stay inside. That's correct and Andy Hurrier I want to know what you guys think of this there are two things going on There are policemen at various street corners now wearing a helmet which has a

Corona type virus On top of it. So it looks like they're out for Halloween and if nothing else they're frightening Motorcyclists which is a good Clear up the other thing going on in the southern state of Kerala, which actually has one of the higher rates of infection because Kerala is a tourist hotspot, Kerala is also where a lot of migrant labour comes in from the Middle East. So Kerala policemen have done a video

where six policemen are doing a Bollywood hand-washing dance. It's gone viral on social media. And it's quite a good dance. There's a bit of belly dancing in it. There's definitely hand washing, hip shaking. And I think this is a new strategy that they are trying to use their curves to flatten the curve.

And both of you know Bollywood. You know that there is no conflict in Bollywood screenplays that a little dancing cannot fix. You know, my only complaint with this is that some policemen while doing it, they have face masks on and they're doing the hand washing thing and dancing, but three of the six look tentative and that's disappointing

because you have to be all in. And I just want to know how your country is a dealing with this. How the police in your country is a dealing with this. Because policing isn't big issue here. The last thing I'll say is that this is the happy bit. But the sort of not happy bit is there are also lots of policemen across India just hitting people with sticks and telling them to go home.

So that's happening at a mass as well. So is this policing different in your respective countries? That first one, let me say that is a fascinating tact like to beat up people for their own safety. Don't you know it's for your own safety? I have no choice but to beat you mercilessly for your health and well-being It's a fairly a situation of British schooling throughout the glory I forget which country set up the Indian police service. It was such a long time ago. I can't

But as a migrant laborer today said to the Mumbai mirror, he said, this is a kind of policing where a man shows up in a uniform, hits me with a stick, and only three minutes later, explains my crime. So... That's the government good to see the justice system working so quickly and efficiently. Are the police being gentle in the way? Are they being persuasive? Are they being... I know it's spain, policemen are serenading people.

I haven't left my home in weeks. So I'm not really sure what is going on outside. I have a quick look at the arguments over testing, which have been raging around the world. There have been a lot of war metaphors used in the fight against this virus, particularly here in Britain, where we need no second invitation to roll out a war metaphor. But actually, it's proved quite opposite, I think. People have been complaining, so we've got to stop thinking of this like a war and talking these kind of outdated terms, but it's a very

opposite way of looking at it, because when you look at the coronavirus testing, the Germans were way, way better prepared. They started with a flurry of well-organised activity. Britain has been just kind of cobbling shit together, hoping for the best and then relying on the general public to bail it out of tricky situations. And America was just pretending the whole thing wasn't happening. So it has been, frankly, uncanny and here in Britain, the government, yesterday Matt Hancock, the health secretary who himself has been suffering from the coronavirus. Boris Johnson is still in isolation looking very sad. I mean, I don't think he's enjoying this Boris Johnson looking like a kid who's always

always wanted a pet kitten and then what he's been given has grown up into not an ordinary cat but a psychotic lunatic in an outfit from the movie cats and you can see that disappointment on his head is lifelong dream is not working out how he planned it to. But the government, Matt Hancock yesterday, really talked decisively about ramping up testing. And this was, I think, the 30th consecutive day that the government has talked about ramping up testing. And they're now ramping up, talking about ramping up testing as well. And they're going to want to ramp up that ramping up too. If they ramped up the testing as effectively as they've ramped up, talking about ramping up testing, all 67 million people in this country would know

whether or not they had the virus. And we'd not be able to enjoy it. Glorious new era of guilt-free national prejudice against each other based on whether or not we've got the virus, which is a big step forward because it's got nothing to do with race, religion, sexuality, country, viragen, or any of the classic scapegoatages. So I mean, this is what I'm holding out for. I want a newly prejudice written that can be brought about by coronavirus testing. You know, one of the ways in which we've kept infections really low in India, we've had, as I speak to you, little over 3,000 cases. And we've found one of the best ways to keep coronavirus low is just not to test.

I live in an Indian family and we find the best way to resolve conflicts is by not bringing it up. So if it doesn't come up, it doesn't exist. I don't know how you guys are dealing with this in Western society, but we don't really have a coronavirus problem because it's best, you know, not to know, in indoor, which is a city in Madhya Pradesh, some doctors went in to do some tests in a slum

and that stones were thrown at them, they were beaten up, thrashed, and thrown out of the slum. So that's another way to deal with it, which is just to beat up the testers, so they're too afraid to come back. Well, I mean, it does seem that the numbers around, and it's very hard to interpret, but it's somewhere between one million and eight billion people have contracted the coronavirus. So it's a pretty wide ballpark that we're trying to interpret here.

Here in Britain, they've transformed a conference center in London, the Excel center, into a field hospital in nine days. This is Britain, we're talking at nine days. I mean, it's devastating for the government. It's taken them 10 years to destroy the health service and then it's been built up again in just a couple of weeks. The queen is to address the nation on Sunday and there have been leaked copies of her speech various different versions doing around online including this one where word for word, she

says people of Britain, the people united will never be defeated, the people united will never be defeated over and over again for an hour before throwing a brick through the window of a branch of McDonald's. Another version of the speech simply says maybe you guys could try asking God to save small businesses, the self-employed economy in general for brick, I'm absolutely fine. And the another version we're going to start with some lateral crunches people have written, okay, and one, two, three four that is that is what we need From our monarch right now we need more home fitness stuff and the final version which I think is the most likely As she's just gonna come on our TV screen and say I'm the fucking queen. I order this virus to suck Britain's bald

Y'all with me sweet care So we're just hanging on for the Queen on Sunday. It's going to make it all fun. One piece of non-virus news. Harry, you are our space-age footwear correspondent at the Bugle. And research is building a special contraption to put on people's legs that will boost their runnings piece by 50%. Now, this kind of increasingly crowded sports calendar, we're talking about the Olympics being rescheduled for next year. There's also World Athletics Championships that are supposed to be done next year. I guess if all the races are 50% quicker, you can just get all those events done in, you know, 2,000 at the time.

Right. And destroy every single record that had existed over the course of human existence. Yeah. This is great. I mean, it shows that the redempt, you know, it's humanity overcoming. The past world that we've emerged from, if you know, people are running 100 meters in 6.5 seconds, we'll know that we have fully recovered from this virus. It's also nerds destroying sports, so I could give myself those shoes.

And when we ran a mile in gym class, I would shock everybody. Can you imagine that? Like a superhero. Like, he always ended up last last but it was a long con the whole time that's what I would do if I had a time machine also I would kill Hitler that brings us to the end of this week's bugle I did promise last week that we would have an exam for all of those of you who are homeschooling. I have a bugle history exam but we've overruns spectacularly so instead I'm just going to set you some homework of just think about everything that's happened in the world and that'll be your history homework for this week and we'll have the history exam. Next week instead thank you very much for joining

us from your respective, respective, flats Chris also has been in attendance, will be it muted through this call and throughout he's using some bizarre filter on our video call that has given him the face of the bugle logo in an extremely disturbing kind of Android fashion. Chrissy, you actually don't like this. This is how I look now, Andy. I mean, six hours a day on Zoom calls. You know, it's got a, it changes a man. It's turning into a cyborg before our very eyes. Hugo, thank you very much for listening.

Stay safe as always, and I hope you're all dealing with the strange times you're living in and I hope we're bringing you some entertainment to at least take your minds of things for a little bit. We'll be back next week with another show and we will play you out this week with some more lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them and help to theBeevillePodcast.com and click the donate. Doug Daniels has performed a comparative study and discovered that the hit TV series Game of Thrones and The Crown, the latter of which details the life and reign of Queen Elizabeth

II, share 86% of the same dialogue and 97% of all plotlines. Doug is not entirely sure what to do with this information. Gordon Finleyson is also a keen amateur research enthusiast and he calculated that if the Olympic Games had been resurrected in 1752 instead of 1896, then Jane Austen would have been a professional gymnast instead of a novelist and would have claimed goals in the all-around and uneven bars disciplines at the 1796 games in Rome, 820, followed by a slightly disappointing bronze in the vault

at Calcutta, 1800. Melissa and Guy Cole once played peacemakers in a drunk and fistfight on an aeroplane between Gary Kasperoff, Harrison Ford and Kofi Anand. The dispute was over whether R2D2 was a character in the Star Wars movie franchise, a chess move, or an ancient Inka Citadel in the mountains of Peru. Melissa and Guy calmed the three celebrities down by suggesting that they might all be right. Heidi Hodges believes governments go the wrong way about dissuading people from eating harmful foods. It's no use warning people about the theoretical dangers to the health of fatty foods, says Heidi. Far better would be in forced rebrandings to put people off eating the stuff in the first place. Peanut butter sounds nice. Squirrel paste, not so. Soft sage, yum, merciless tube of death.

No, thank you. French fries, don't mind if I do. Coronary inducing shit breads, I will give those a miss. David Couser-Crayo has doubts over whether it would be possible these days for the 1950s to happen. I can't see the 1940s coming back anytime soon, on numerical grounds, quite aside from anything else, observed Doug. So sorry 50s fans, your historical goose has baked and eaten itself long ago, no offense.

Andre Bocage is often frustrated by the inconsistency of towels. A hand towel is more than enough to dry not just one hand, but an entire pair of hands notes Andre, but when I tied to drying my entire kitchen with a kitchen towel I looked like a right turnip, and don't get me started on beach towels, that is a long story. Norman Oxlade is of the very firm opinion that in the event of future government lockdowns, the first thing that should be done is replacing all pavements or sidewalks with quicksand. Everyone who ever watched a half decent movie as a child, no it's Norman, lives in a turn or dread of sinking to an agonising death in quicksand,

I guarantee no-one would even think about setting foot outside their houses. And finally, Andy Cronk is disappointed that the word encroached so often has negative connotations. It's a lovely word to say things, Andy, and I wish it meant something nicer. Maybe we could swap it with the word key, which is a piddly little word for something so important. Pass me the car encroaches, I'm going for a spin. Do you see my point? Here end it, this week's lies. Bye bye.