The Bugle - Bugle 4150 - Bleach? Nevermind

Episode Date: April 25, 2020

Oh wow. Andy, Nish and Hari attempt to make sense of another week of transatlantic buffoonery. PLUS Mushroom canoes, home schooling and basketball.It's our 150th show of the new era, funded entirely by Buglers! Support The Bugle. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donateWe have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanNish KumarHari KondaboluAnd produced by Chris Skinner. FUB. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Douglas.

That's fine, then, into a float. Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Douglas. That fine memory to applaud. I'm Andy Zoltzmann and this is issue 4,150 of the bugle audio newspaper for a visual world albeit a world whose visuals are now seepia tinsed with nostalgia for the olden times of three months ago. The world is still in an extremely static way. I am still in my shed which I've not left for three months, other than when I haven't been in it.

And I'm joined this week in the 150th episode, since the show re-launched the man who joined me for the first of the re-launched shows in a very different New York city than the one exists today. Harry Condabolo. Hello, Andy. Hi, Harry. How are you, and how's your city? Oh, things are great.

Things are absolutely... There's like no traffic, and you know, the streets are pretty clear. So I have heard. And yeah, I can't imagine anything being better than this reality Things are fat is this better than my normal negativity up front. I'm trying to use a positive sarcasm. Yes, that's good. You know, it's a it's an it's an introductory to it's a gateway to genuine optimism Also joining us from up the road here in South London. it's Nish Kumar, hi Nish. Hello Andy, hello, hurring, hello, bugleers. How's your bit of London since I haven't seen more than about five yards from my house since we've all come.

I have absolutely no idea, Andrew. I have absolutely no idea what's going on. So I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm when I was a young man one of my favorite films was the film Wayne's World where a man makes a television show from his own house and I am very much living my dream at the moment. I've gone for all Wayne's World and I'm making a TV show from my box room and listen all I can say is say is, my neighbours don't really understand what I do at the best of times. And they certainly don't understand why three and a half weeks ago a man stood outside in the street disinfecting camera equipment, which he then abandoned and I then took inside

my own house. So at the moment, the best case scenario, they think I'm making a TV show. And worst case scenario, they think I am writing, directing and starring in my own pornography. Yes, full citizen caning a porn movie in my bedroom. Right, you sure it's not a jihadist, ransom movie that you're doing.

It might be the, it might be the first jihadist pornography. That's a very interesting sexual term, citizen caning. We were just doing some citizen caning. It was a, it meant as a filmmaker reference to us, and I was writing directing and starring it But of course citizen canning is the sexual move where you achieve orgasm by remembering a childhood sled rose bud I'm hungry I'm very hungry now Family show family Family show. Family show. We are recording on the 24th of April in the year 2020.

Happy birthday to the Hubble Telescope, which was launched 30 years ago today, the Hubble and its distant space home has been celebrating its 30th birthday, or at least pretending to celebrate, but internally suffering a personal crisis of confidence about what it's doing with its life, where it's best years have gone, and worry about the world's constant quest for younger, fresher satellites. And you've got to look back on the 30 years of Hubble and think, pretty f***ing disappointing, not a single f***ing alien, seriously. What was that all for? We can see the stars with our own f***ing eyes. Thank you. You jumped up magnifying glass. The 26th of April Sunday is Hagen Australian Day, which is going to be a tough one to observe in these lockdown times. And also it's Get Organized Day, which I think in light of current

circumstances, we might like to think about expanding to more than one 365th of each year. I'd like to think about expanding to more than one 360 fifth of each year. Maybe a, uh, uh, uh, anoint this third millennium, the get organized millennium for humanity to get around to all the shit. It's never quite done. Uh, as always, a section of this book that's going straight in the bin. Again, it's a home schooling, uh, section, um, in England, the, um, heads of, uh, English school to issue a statement this week saying, see how you fucking like it suckers, your children are a pain in the ass, aren't they? Or at least that was the subtext when they announced that it's unlikely England schools

will go back before the first of June. So this week in the section in the bin, we've had the history exam and the maths exam. Now we have the bugle science exam, we at the bugle have always taken our founding principles to inform, educate and mislead very seriously indeed. And this is your bugle science exam for homeschooling. Physics. Atoms move faster, the hotter it gets. Humans by contrast often get a bit lethargic when the sun comes out.

So do conclude, a, humans are not made of atoms, B, atoms are absolute f***ing nutcases, probably off their tiny minds on some kind of narcotic, or C, atoms think they've made it when they find their way into a human and simply clock off. At question 2, the 17th century Dutch scientist Johannes Bon Jo Vidicus calculated that the melting point of rock was 7,800 degrees Fahrenheit. But what are the melting points of A, toast, B, a football, C, hearts, and D, that you're off? Question three, chemistry in two parts, A, what the f*** is chemistry all about? And B, if you combine nitrogen tetra-cloxide with bihydrogen sulfur sulfonate, radioactyl in a

Gucci in infractor, an electrocoblet to a comoleculeid of ferral aluminium inemium and an oxygen standing or proxygen, does it up-generate into a semi-gaseous global, B, isohypogenate spontaneically, C, de-plode, D, importune and antivirt intrapolation or E, become a sausage. That is your science exam to put to your home school to children. And I hope it's going well for any buglies who are enjoying that particular journey into your own personal inadequacies. Sorry, into getting to know your children much, much better. The top story this week. It's fine. It was all a hoax. Everything's absolutely fine. Not quite. No news is no good news at the moment. It's still rumbling on here in Britain. The constantly vomited gobbled and rechanted diet of context-free statistics, half-arsudo promises and political

obfuscations has rumbled on. Unabatedated we still have the weekly clap for celebrity sing-alongs the stomach churning sense of grinding pessimism not much has changed. Hari, when I'll you know several weeks into this lockdown process what what what have you personally learnt from this era of lockdown. I've learned two major lessons, Andy. One, I can go three days without a shower until I pass out from the smell. I assumed it would be four days, but no, three. I also learned I need to be more active once the lockdown ends since my life now is about as active as it was before the lockdown.

I'm going to die. Nishwa, what are your, I think in modern parlance takeaways from this couple of couple of key takeaways. firstly, if you leave me in my house with a functional coffee machine and no real reason for me to leave the house, I will consume an amount of caffeine that essentially turns it into a hallucinogenic drug. When I was on my seventh cup of espresso in Tenseevo, 13 out of 13 by what metric I've no idea But in terms of its impact on my blood pressure. I believe it's the Richter scale I had turned coffee into a drug that was capable of making meat here Jeffers and airplanes white rabbit and see the pink Floyd hammers Unfortunately, there was no way for me to trim it, so I ended up shaving the entire thing off,

and so for about two weeks, I looked like the world's worst Bollywood Leo Sayer tribute back. The horrible look. The one thing I've learned is that cleaning out your cupboards is not an act of spiritual cleansing so much as a harrowing delve into failure and regret. Andy, I've seen the stuff that's at the front of your governs. It's like you live in a Victorian rag and bone shop. Never let go.

How is your status as home school? I'm gonna say deputy headmaster Andy, I've made my wife. She's eminently the more sensible of the two of you. Although that is not saying much given your output. Yep. Well, I mean, it's going all right. So far, we've done a history module on the body line series of 1932-33. This week we also did an in-depth study of linguistic evolution

using the development of the word How's That? The history of cricket and the various adaptations of that word into things like housey and so really studying how language develops and changes through usage. Next week we're looking at the physics involved in the impact of a round leather coated object weighing five and a half ounces with a flat wooden object. And we're also looking at biology well, I've got a biology class on how to cut different types of grass to extremely short lengths to gradually degrade over a five day period.

So really, you know, my kids are learning an awful lot about the world. Andy, is there any risk that this admission would lead to your children being taken away? Well, I mean, that's the great thing Andy, is there any risk that this admission would lead to your children being taken away? Well, I mean, that's the great thing about, um, about lockdown. I think that's a good thing. They've got no choice. Have you talked to anything that isn't directly related to cricket? The way I look at the universe, Nish, I don't think there is anything that is not directly related to cricket.

So, uh, so no, we did look at, uh, a picture by Leonardo da Vinci in a book yesterday, but I reckon if you squint your eyes hard enough, it looks a bit like the John player league match between Gloucestershire and Somerset in 1983. But masks news now and well a lot of questions are going to be asked in the aftermath of this if humanity survives long enough to reach the aftermath of it. Questions such as how the f*** did it happen? What the f*** do we do now? How the f*** do I manage to lose two pairs of glasses without leaving the f***ing house? And whilst we know that heeding warnings can make you look a bit square politically,

might it be a good idea for humanity to heed some f***ing warnings in the future? And one of the greatest questions I think is about the human relationship with the face mask because the frankly horrifying prospect of the face mask becoming an unavoidable part of life of the foreseeable future is hoving interview around the world. Harry, in New York, I think you've got to, you've already got to wear them outside. Is that correct? Yeah, yeah, which is sad for people with lip rings and tongue rings because that's now a waste. Right.

Yeah. Makes my mustache and beard a non-entity, which is a bummer since the growth of facial hair is an Indian superpower. Yeah, damn right. It's just another example of this virus being racist. I'm also worried about what it's gonna be like for comics. Like if we ever get to perform again,

are we all gonna have to wear masks on stage? Cause then we all look like gimmick acts, you know what I mean? Like here comes Dr. Laffy. Do we not wear masks anyway, Harry? Oh, Andy. It'll be nice for our parents to pretend that we're doctors for one. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, he wears a mask. One prescription of a hot dose of chuckles. How do you say that the mosque, the mosque future of humanity? Well, I'll go a different way from hurry, a re-performing comedy. I don't know how much any of you guys were aware of some of my gigs that were happening quite close to the lockdown. But I was planning on returning to doing comedy and full protective equipment anyway. Just to sort of dodge the various missiles that are being deployed by members of the audience. Stop the bread going in your mouth, I guess.

Yeah, exactly. Hey, I'm trying to stop the bread going in your mouth, I guess. Yeah, exactly. Hey, I'm trying to quit carbs, Andrew. Gotta keep the bread out of my mouth somehow. I think, listen, I think if we end up, there's a part of me that would really like us to all wear masks. One, because I spent a lot of time as a general reading comic books and I can return that over super here, right? And secondly, it'll really be one in the eye for all of the people

Who have been slagging off women wearing burkers for years? It'll be a real like nice revenge policy for all of the people who've been yelling at burkers And I included those people our prime minister who compared with a new web burgers to letterboxes And I'll never forget where I was when his father said, if I was a female fighter jet pilot, I would expect someone to say, don't wear a burger. And the reason I'll never forget where I was when he said that is because I was sat next to him with my head in my hands

as part of Channel 4's election coverage into September. Oh. Ha ha ha. We're all wearing burgers now. Suck it, Barrett. If you'd have been wearing a burgerky you wouldn't go out you fucking idiot But while we're on the topic of burkas, can I just double down on friends? Because sorry that plays very well in post-bursary Britain

But it just feels like they've tried to ban burkas and they had this whole thing where they banned facial covering, which was just a way to, you know, to f*** with Muslims, right? It was just a way to upset Muslims. And now all of a sudden, everyone's wearing masks. So I find that insulting after all that, now you think covering your face is a good thing. And secondly, what upsets me more is that they're f***ing hypocrites. The only thing worse than bigotry is hypocritical bigotry. Die with the hate you have in your heart.

I'm gonna, it is double down. Further proof that this virus is really everything alkyda could ever dream of being but actually getting some shit done I have been very few occasions when I thought to myself Wouldn't this world be better if all we could see if people's facial features were pair of terrified and or regretful and or resentful eyes and The various trial schemes around the world over history that have been conducted into this have done little to persuade me that it benefits Humanity and is it gonna reach the stage where having a whole uncovered face becomes like smoking that people will be banking off work for five minutes to go to special shelters where they're allowed to have a whole face for a few minutes before

putting the mask back on returning to reality. Well, I think it's gonna change what we find sexual. You know, like, it'll be like, whoa, is that an ankle? Oh my God. I think I just saw some ankle. Oh my God, was that the space between her eyes? Like all of a sudden it takes on this like,

who else could we get in Victorian again? This is what Brexit was all about. Go back to the Victorian era. I mean, on a personal level, it's just making it much harder for me to look as sultry as I like to look generally in my everyday life. I worry about restaurants,

being able to reopen, but only feed people through intravenous drip, which might lead to some exciting developments in the foodic industry. That's the end point of molecular astronomy at the end of the day. Bloomington has always been working towards being able to feed you a lobster beast, Kovaya IV. I.V. There's the logistical issue that there's been a lot of coverage about how Britain in particular has totally failed to provide marks for the people who definitely need them without then telling everyone else to wear them as well. Some people are going to have to make their own improvised masks, which obviously will be massively ineffective, but not as massively ineffective as not wearing a mask, which is

even more massively ineffective. So what can you use beekeepers mask as well? A Gimp mask? That does work, if only because it makes people give you an extremely wide berth on public transport. The helmet from a medieval suit of armour worked for Henry V. One of those rubber, whole head masks

of celebrities or political leaders, they're fine as long as you don't breathe in or out and don't use the Donald Trump one. That really does not play well with this virus. Canvas from a classic artwork, that works very well if you can break into a gallery and cut off a triangle of art. It should be at least 400 years old, ideally with a biblical scene for added divine protection. Maybe Caravaggio's John the Baptist noggin on a platter from the National Gallery for anyone It should be at least 400 years old, ideally with a biblical scene for added divine protection. Maybe Caravaggio's John the Baptist,

noggin on a platter from the National Gallery for anyone listening in London. The reverse mullet brushed down over the face. That bat works, that stops the virus. The Elizabethan Ruff adapted to hold a window box with fast-growing herbs that cover your mouth, your own nosal area, and also give you something to nibble on if you get peckish. That's another alternative.

Large nanbred or fajita over the face held in place by John Rackenrow style headband. That could just about do a job. And obviously a sombrero adapted to have a curtain rail around the outside with some curtains that you can open when you don't need to be facially covered is probably the best option for those without access to medical equipment The CDC is suggesting that we make a mask out of an old t-shirt and some paper towel So basically arts and crafts is gonna save us Andy Apparently Martha Stewart should have in the head of the CDC

Now the big question here is which t-shirts will take the hit, right? You got to sacrifice some key to it. And I've decided the t-shirts I'm going to use for mass are my old smashing pumpkin's zero t-shirt, right? And my thank God we never had to deal with a pandemic in our lifetime t-shirt Which I was gonna invest thousands in before the pandemic started so thank God I waited I'm gonna be using my old Smith t-shirts just a doubly over tape morrisy I'm gonna deface his merchandise and then use some of it to keep a brown man alive. Take that, Moz. On the subjects of t-shirts, there's a famous t-shirt slogan that says, you don't have to be an unhinged populist lunatic to become leader of a country with more than

200 million people in it, but it sure as hell helps. And we've seen during this crisis some slightly curious behaviour, a Bolsonaro, the Brazilian President, he's been joining anti-lockdown protests and coughing without covering his mouth. Last week, Sactis Health Minister Luis Henry K Mandetta, after the two clashed over whether Mandetta's approach to the crisis, using things like science, evidence and common sense, was the right approach or not. Mandetta himself said science is light and it is through science that we will find a way out of this wise words depending on when you say them during a chat with your partner in a sticky

phase in a relationship. Science will find a way out of this. That's maybe not the right thing to say. And Harri, your great leader, President Trump has been on a daily basis, entertaining the world with his masterclass in how to be the exact leader of the world does not need at a time like this. Basically, I think Trump, as President in a pandemic, is like entrusting a rhinoceros to ride a kid's tricycle. And once you've helped it onto its seat, there is no possible way it can end well. And it just gets more confusing and unpalatable when you realize the rhinoceros is really enjoying itself.

Yeah, it's funny that he's not your leader. LAUGHTER It's so hilarious, Andy. Yes. What I watch is press conference as I laugh and laugh and laugh. You should have an efficient leadership like ours. Our leadership is so committed to this fight against coronavirus that the head guy contracted it. How do you think about that, Harry? The fact I'm Prime Minister is a man who... I feel envious. The fact I'm Prime Minister of the UK is from my personal experience, a man who can't

tell brown people apart. And the government's best strategy appears to be our home secretary pretty pretentious trying to deport coronavirus. Well, at least your leader didn't suggest that we inject ourselves with disinfectant to stop coronavirus. This is the president of the United States, which by the way, he's right because that would kill us and that would end coronavirus. Exactly.

He's gone for all of you. It's an interesting way to go about it. So I suggest blasting disinfectant directly into people's lungs. And I have checked some of the bottles of disinfectant that we've got in our house. And it might be that you've just got the words mixed up because it says, if ingested, seek medical help immediately. Yeah. Yeah, it's right out there. Rather than if seeking medical help ingest immediately. So he can understand, he's not that different really. It might be that he just scanned reddits of very busy man, sorry, hard work being president of a large country.

To be fair, it never set on the bottle, it has never set on the bottle, do not inject intravenously. He never says that. It says ingest. It led to the BBC's coverage of it, because the BBC, you know, it's a public service broadcaster in this country, and so it has to adopt the same sort of dry, professorial tone to whatever bullshit the president of America has spouted. So in the article covering it at the bottom, there was an article written by a BBC health

reporter with the headline, Disinfectants don't work inside of the body. As that person was writing that, it was to take in every ounce of state-induced non-biased to not write, are you f***ing kidding me? LAUGHTER You also seem to be banking a bit on sunlight, killing it. I can't believe he hasn't really suggested garlic and making a sign of a crucifix, or a foil else

feels malnutrition and mistake through the virus is hard. And other stories of the disinfectant, he said, if it could knock out the virus in a minute, is there a way that we can do something like that by injection inside almost a cleaning? And he's not far away from suggesting a full exorcism. I mean, clearly, we know its election year. He is pandering to the Christian right. He wants to bring the exorcisms back into mainstream medicine I'm waiting for him to suggest that we shrink the army into It's a tiny little specks that could enter and kill the killed virus from the inside Well, I mean don't even say these things out loud

A couple of weeks ago at one of of his daily stand-up comedy routines, he said that he... He's the only guy that's got any f***ing gigs at the moment. Yeah, I know. And he did sort of... I mean, he sort of suggested something, he made some sort of wise crack that seemed to be him like suggesting

that he'd had sex with a lot of models as part of a conversation and I thought, well that's really bad. And then this morning I found myself saying out loud a sentence. I never thought I've ever said I wish the president of America would stop suggesting you could inject disinfectant into the human body and go back to bragging about banging models when asked about a deadly global pandemic. That is back to bragging about banging models when asked about a deadly global pandemic. That is on and apart with unexpected sentences I've been forced to say in the last 12 months, including England of one, the cricket world cup. And maybe we don't need another Batman movie. I will say the one good thing about him saying that how we thought about it, you know, trying disinfectants within our bodies is that the people that will likely try that our Trump supporters.

So, you know, I don't want to think too much about the election, but that's helpful. He said it would be interesting to check whether it's injection into the lungs, would work. Interesting. Not really interesting to check it, but as interesting as checking whether if you urinate towards the moon, the moon automatically flushes, or whether you can cure malaria by dressing up like a giant mosquito and singing the Chuck Berry song My Dingerling, or whether if a butterfly flaps its wings on Mars, a shark, anado occurs on Saturn. None of those would be interesting to check, they were obviously not the case. They will be fun to check. Maybe that's what he meant. Maybe he meant it would be fun to inject people with disinfectant directly into their lungs. Maybe he's just got bored of violating

your democratic heritage and political dignity, Ari, and they won't let him fish the corpse of Martha Washington. She's the scressed. He's he also said this is direct quote and I do want to quote this in defense of Donald Trump. He did say I'm not a doctor but I'm like a person that has a good you know what. I think that's a lyric from my ding a link, isn't it? Yeah. I watch the, I watch reruns of the office now and I think, God, I wish Michael Scott was the president. Or David Brent. Thank you. Thank you, hi.

Taking medical advice from Trump, I would say is like taking medical advice from the bugle. And actually, it's worse. This way we've got a Jew and two people of Asian origin. We've at least got three people whose families hope they become doctors. We're doubling up on the doctors' jokes. You're doubling up on the doctor's jokes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You don't want the Christmas Carol to end and for Scrooge to wake up and go, oh god, that was a weird dream. Anyway, back to kicking offence. I'm a broader philosophical question. At what point are the doctors who are always either stood or sat in the vicinity of Donald

Trump, violating their hypocritical oath, Why not rugby tackling him? He's... You know, at what stage are they... I mean, at some point, surely, first do no harm. He's telling people to eject bathroom cleaner into their body to kill a virus. Like, at some point, somebody has to high tackle this motherfucker.

Like at some point, somebody has to high tackle this motherfucker. Just clothes like Stone Cold Steve Austin, the jackass. Every time Fauci goes up to the microphone, I hope he says, first of all, President Trump is a f***ing moron. Like every time I wait for it, Wikipedia has better fact checking these nonsense. And the very least, one of them should have a microphone themselves and just say citation needed after everything he says. Right. In Germany, all states in the German nation have announced plans to make masks compulsory

to combat the virus's spread. Well... it's not surprising and the germans are very good at unifying for the purpose of getting rid of things like uh... the burlin wall or uh... insert world war two joke here ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It doesn't get all Germans. You're f***ing up big time Germans. We're not gonna forget it. You're f***ing up big time. Can't you be coming more British than the British? Yeah, I was gonna say, Hari, who said that your time studying in London left you with no last years? It's been, it's been another textbook week for the Maddie puts the cool dude into the phrase, the president of America's incompetence constitutes an existential threat to the survival

of the American people during this global pandemic. Not cool, dude. Big business on the virus news now, and of course we're all in this together and billionaire so being just as restricted as the rest of us, some of them reduced to one or most two or three or four of their private islands or a much reduced range of luxury yachting options and an increased difficulty in finding a workforce to power and operate their giant 100 meter high animatronic mega-effg tribute statutes of themselves. A report for the US think tank the Institute for Policy Studies has suggested that the

wealth of eight leading billionaires has jumped by over $25 billion in under a month up to the 10th of April as the lockdown kicked in. That's just under a billion dollars for every million Americans who filed for unemployment during the shutdown. $25 billion is like 1,000 celebrity-loaded TV fundraisers all at once. And yet, people are sowing aprons for nurses in their homes.

$25 billion in under-em-off earth you are a are a fucking silly planet sometimes. These Pluto celebs include Jeff Bezos of Amazon who famously sliced off one of his own breasts so he could earn money more efficiently. The private equity mega chees, Joshua Harris, those markets aren't going to play themselves folks. The obviously fictitious future-pronarial Loonwiz 1980s kids film character Elon Musk, Musk's long-time rival Pee-Low Snork, who's teamed up with the home improvement entrepreneur Esquikwheel Chilange to offer easily-installed home moats for people who want to keep themselves extra safe.

In lockdown, there's vertical insta-moats that can surround an apartment in a high-rise block with a protective micro-lake in under a minute, as sold particularly strongly and also making a massive profit armoured from my local news agent shop who shifted incredible units after encouraging everyone in the area to collectively build a 50-kiloma high paper mache statue of a nurse in tribute to the NHS. Yes, typical, wouldn't it? The guy who sells newspapers telling everyone to do paper mache, profiting from other people's good nature. In 2013 Forbes magazine, and this was sort of a yearly practice for a while as a sort of fun,

you know, I guess like a sort of fun and finely piece for a financial paper would calculate the net worth of fictional characters like Bruce Wayne and Tywin Lannister and they would do a rich list of fictional characters and the top of the rich list perhaps surprisingly would always be Scrooge McDuck, right? So Scrooge McDuck, for those of you who don't know, is an elderly Scottish anthropomorphic peaking duck with a yellow orange bill, legs and feet. He typically wears a red or blue frot coat, top hat, glasses and spats. He's portrayed as speaking with a Scottish accent. He is the uncle of Donald Duck and is a character loosely based on evidence of scrooge So he moved from Scotland to America and his nephew was Donald Duck and then he has three other left nephews He would do me and Louie and he lives in a house with a big bank and he has gold coins that you can swim around in right now

When Forbes calculated his net worth they calculated it to be $65.4 billion Jeff Bezos his net worth is currently 142.4 billion. Jeff Bezos' net worth is currently $142.5 billion. That means people who could imagine a talking duck managed to successfully navigate the complexities, both geographical and from an administrative bureaucracy point of view of immigrating from Scotland to the United States of America where he would end up formally adopting his nephews and setting up a house with the capacity for him to swim in all of his money in the form of individual gold coins. Could not imagine the amount of money that Jeff Bezos has. It puts it all in person, I think you could measure it out in cricket bats full of oil

or whatever. I'm pretty well suited in this game. There are 900 independent bookshops in Britain, roughly. Amazon could give every single one of them a quarter of a million pounds and it would cost it two hundredths of one percent of its global value. So it's got a bit to spare, I think, in layman's terms. When I was looking at the rich list, one of the other names that, a familiar name that pops up on there is someone who's worth $46.9 billion,

and that person is McKenzie Bezos. So if you really want to get rich, forget playing the market. It seems like the best job you can get is divorcing Jeff Bezos. LAUGHTER It's f***ing outrageous stuff. Also here in the UK, Abilenez are very much on their bullshit. Philip Green is claiming UK taxpayer relief to pay his furloughed employees, despite the fact that his company is owned by his wife,

who is a resident of the famously low-taxed principality of Monaco. Richard Branson is demanding a government bailout for his airline. Now, so far, the government have basically resisted his calls for a bailout. I mean, I'm assuming, at least on internal bambos, using the phrase, go f*** yourself, you mullet twat. LAUGHTER BUGLE BUGLE

Canoes made of mushrooms news now. Harry, you are the bug have boats made of vegetative stroke fungal matter correspondent and exciting breakthrough this week in the mushroom canoe industry yeah yeah this this this person I don't have the name in front of me but doesn't matter made a apparently the news is slow enough to show the story which is she made a boat made of mushrooms Yeah, yeah, that's kai chi aes from Nebraska 28 year old student Well, first of all, let me just say that I'm I'm a little bitter because it's She made a canoe out of mushrooms, which is a lot better than my kayak that I made out of lettuce.

It just couldn't hold the weight. I mean, to be fair, building a ship out of iceberg lettuce was just a bad omen. Thank you, thanks. We will keep you up to date, Puglers, with all the news in Mushroom Canoe Technology over the forthcoming decades. Sport now, and just quickly on Sport this Tuesday Tuesday the 28th April from 8pm I'm co-hosting the muscular dystrophy UK virtual quiz. There was going to be an actual quiz in May at Lord's Cricket Ground but due to this rather annoying virus that you may have heard about. That has been cancelled. Instead there is an online quiz featuring me Gabby Logan, Ryan Sidebottom England Cricketer,

Rugby Player, Charlie Hodgson, athlete John Regis and fellow comedian Alex Horn. To find out how to take part, go to lockdownfundraiser.org to all the money for muscular dystrophy UK, a fantastic charity that helps the 70,000 people in the UK who live with muscle wasting conditions and charities incomes have been devastated by the cancellation of fundraising events during this pandemic. So if you can contribute anything to the charity or join in with the quiz, please do so. Hori, you are a basketball fan for reasons that elude me, frankly, and I can watch pretty much any sport. But basketball, I just never got, I've never got, but what I like about it, Andy,

partly, is that it takes less than six hours. Well, that's really my main beef with it, to be honest. What is it? 48 minutes of... The very fact that you're measuring the sport in hours. It shows you how little you know about a period of anti-sortment. It's days, not hours, days. Yeah. But there was a bull's documentary that came out. It's called The Last Dance About The Last Bull's Championship and all the drama around it and what led up to it. And, you know, everyone's been talking about it and I was excited to watch it and I started watching it and I realized that it was a mistake because as a 1990s nix fan, this was very painful to watch

because the Bulls broke my heart every year. It's like the kid who bullied you in high school becoming more successful than you, and then you watch a documentary about them bullying you and becoming more successful than you. You finally think, you're thank God, it's over, it was ages ago. Now, let's relive it while being trapped at home with no other sports on. For the benefit of British Budalus,

does Chicago Bulls is a basketball team? And Michael Jordan is the one in space, Stan, who wasn't Bugs Bunny. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle. Thank you very much for listening. The Bugle has finally entered the 21st century. We're doing YouTube stuff and Instagram, apparently. There will be videos and you can get snippets of the recording via YouTube. So do have a look at that and yeah, well be some absolute high-class additional content as well at some point in the next 10 to 50,000 years.

Andy, I've got three words for you. You will tick-tock. Let's get some people doing some lip sync videos to your bullshit. I'm TikTok. Genuine videos you don't do. If I know the bugle audience, and I think I do, we're about to be absolutely crushed by an avalanche of lip sync videos. I'm gonna make, I'm gonna get some 15 second clips of Andy available. Ha ha ha ha ha! So as people can download them.

That's awesome. Ha ha ha ha! Uhhh, yes please. Yes please. Thank you for listening. Any, uh, don't miss your TV show is currently on. Can, can people see it around the world? Is it a UK only?

Uh, if you live in Britain, you'll be able to see the first four episodes of the Mash Report, uh, as recorded from my house. And if you live abroad, you technically can't watch it, but you all seem to be able to, uh, judge by my Twitter feed. Uh, you're all watching it anyway. I don't really understand how you do that But I'm very pleased you do so yes BBC I player and then however else you people watch it. Are there anything anything to plug? Sure, I'm part of a six-part PBS documentary called Asian Americans that comes out in May

Also, I'm in a spelling bee documentary. Of course I am that comes out in May. Also, I'm in a spelling bee documentary, of course I am. Um, ha ha ha! This guy has got a brand. Called, uh, called spelling the dream that comes out on Netflix, uh, in the middle of May as well. And, uh,

I've rescheduled a bunch of shows for August, October, November and December. And, uh, so if want to buy tickets now, it'll be easier when we reschedule them a second or third time. So, by a Cleveland Pittsburgh Oklahoma City, all the big ones, all up for sale. Also, you can find me on Instagram and Twitter at hurry kunderbolo but good luck with that Thanks again for listening the muscular just for the UK virtual quiz is Tuesday night at 8 p.m. The 28th of April

Until next time you glues goodbye and we will play you out with some more lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them go to thebugelpodcast.com and click the donate. Zoltzman Lipsings. Zoltzman Lipsings. Heather CS churps in by interpreting these Logan, you can't empty the bath if you've concreted it over the pluckhole, as a piece of advice not to take a short term headline grabbing approach to problems which might have adverse long-term repercussions. The always practical Heather notes, whilst concrete ting over a pluckhole is a short term

big ticket way of getting your bath water to stay in the bath, whilst also stopping spiders clambering up into it, it does leave you in something of a post-bath logistical bind. Joe Schaeffer is a big fan of Melinda's phrase, don't fight an octopus with a cemetery of salt. It reminds us, says Joe, of taking the appropriate action for the problem at hand, not just using our favorite solution for everything. Joe is also an amateur slogan monger himself, he is proudest creation being, no one ever want to gromp re on a sofa, no one ever crashed a sofa into a tree. It's all about finding the balance between risk and caution confirms Joe. Christopher Carlson has thought long and

hard about the famous riddle, what walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon and three legs in the evening, and thinks that the conventional answer, a human being, is wrong. He thinks the correct answer is in fact a performing circus donkey. That having spent the morning as a conventional quadruped had an accident when doing its directly walking donkey act as a maternay performance, and had one of its legs bitten off by the circus's tiger. The last time Rose Andrew can remember thinking about Javier Pérez de Coyar before the former UN Secretary-General's recent death at the age of 100 was in the year 2012 when she had a vivid and it must be emphasised absolutely non-erotic dream about the ex-proven Prime

Minister turning up uninvited at one of her friend's weddings. He then grabbed the microphone, sang a medley of hits from the 1980s, his time as UN Secretary General, and then pulled the mask off his face Scooby-Doo style to reveal the former US President Abraham Lincoln, but with a teddy bear on his head instead of a stovepipe hat. Read into that what you will. By contrast, Nick Broad has never had a dream about a current or former UN Secretary General, but he does have recurring nightmares in which the renowned intergovernmental organisation is Secretary-General, or is that Secretary-General, either way, by cartoon, rabbit, bug, spunny. Nick does not consider bug, spunny's flippant attitude to the world appropriate for this job, even if his catchphrase, WhatsApp, doc, might

be appropriate for these times that we are currently living through. Here end if, this week's lies. for these times that we are currently living through. Here end if, this week's lies.