The Bugle - Bugle 4153 - A Dutch Village

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

Andy Zaltzman is joined by with Nish Kumar and Alice Fraser (and producer Chris). We talk Covid sexy time, female leaders and Andy has a quiz. A long quiz.Enjoy it? Support us here: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donate.Catch the full 90 minute version of this show on our YouTube channel. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers. Welcome to the bugle live stream live

During the course of the show we will have all the newton the worlds of technology food other stuff the world America which is to all intents and purposes now entirely separate from the world Britain did so There will be full frontal nudity But only other people in a new story not that kind of show and a very very special 200th birthday. We will also put right all the wrongs in this flawed planet of ours. I'm just doing that as subject to legal challenge as always, and we'll keep you up to date with all the breaking news from around the world. I'm just hearing in fact on the wise that America has declared itself a

rogue state and launched a war against itself. Also this being a lockdown livestream show, it means legally we are obliged to include a quiz. All lockdown shows have to have a quiz that's advice from the World Health Organization who absolutely love quizzes, how did this virus start? How do you stop diseases spreading? And what type of leadership does worst in a pandemic?

That kind of thing. Also, quizzes recommended by the British government, that is their official advice that they've scraped out of a toilet wherever they keep their infinite number of policy-formulating monkeys with tightwriters. Quizzes of course are recommended by the Boris Johnson regime on the grounds that if people try to answer questions right they will not have time to ask questions right so we will be bringing you the inaugural Bugle Live excessively multiple choice live

prize quiz with no prize. But first are you sure to be uncomfortable? I will take that as a resounding yes. Let's meet our Buehwool co-hosts this week, Technology and Zeus permitting, joining us on what is where she is appropriately enough. Already the 17th of May, world telecommunications day, no less, maybe we should have done the show tomorrow as our guest is doing. It's also worked from home day and she is at her current home very trendy these days, all the way from tomorrow on the other side of the world. It's the pre-stess of Percy Flaarge, the not very reverent Alice Fraser. Hello, Andy, hello, Bugler's.

That was exciting. What an adventure. What was an adventure in the same way that it would have been an adventure for Christopher Columbus, if he'd sailed out of Harbour on the way to discover the United States of America or whatever as he was supposed to have done and just crashed into a dolphin and sank. Also joining us in what I assume is the same time zone as he is three miles up the road from my shed as the crow flies of its flying in a car or a bus. us. It's Sergeant Satai himself, Nish Kumar. Hello, Nish. He's forgotten to turn us. Oh, Nish is muted. There we go, using Shelby's between us. Nish. That is an absolute burn from Chris who continued to mute me. But I think we can all agree. I've always been on the bugle as the eye candy

So it does make sense. Hello Andy. Hello Alice. Hello Chris. Hello, bugleers. I can't Believe this is working You can't spell Bungle without B U G L a Yet somehow I think the eagles might be interested to know that there is a, obviously a chat window, as some of you might be familiar with, on the Zoom function. The chat window, I just to give you a flavor of the backstage shenanigans that have been going on in the last 10 to 15 minutes. I'm just going to read you some random assortments. All of these are in block capital letters.

We're not live. Andy, I need you to speak. Hold on, Andy, hold on. Hold on, the audio has dropped out. Oh shit. So it was a direct transcript for my wedding by coincidence as well. I'm going to call it.

And. Sounds like the last transcripts of a submarine going down in World War II. But sure. Potato, potato. So welcome, sure. Potato, potato. So welcome, Buegler. We are recording this on the 16th of May 2020, or if you're using the new calendar,

the 16th of NHS Ember in the year 1CVE. It is World Fiddleday, not that kind of fiddle for any celebrating tax lawyers or corporate accountants out there, not that kind of fiddle either, obviously. But Jonti Violin music, or fid fiddle music so cool because in old medieval times dodgy accountants would advertise their questionable or fully scammificationary services walking through town centers playing the violin

in an excessive chirpy way. That is the first fact of today's live bugle, the first of zero. Also as always some sections of the view goal are going where are you glas? I can't hear you as you did you could not hear me not very long ago. Are they going in the bin? Of course some sections are going straight in the bin along with our technological credibility such as it was if you can throw something in the bin that never existed. In the bin it's learned to swim day today. And so we have part one in our audio teach yourself to swim guide. So if you are a non swimmer, I'd be able to keep this on your audio device at all times.

So if you do find yourself in a swim necessitating situation, you can play this and splosh your way out of trouble. Step A, do not breathe if both your mouth and nose are underwater. Step B, drag all your arms about, and if that isn't working on its own, waggle your legs about too. And step three, imagine there is a giant, but quite slow moving shark, 20 meters behind you. We will complete the teacher's self-to-swim course over the course of the next four years.

Another section in the bin, obitories, and obitories section, in the bin, interesting, as soon as I said a BITREASE, Chris launches the commercial side of this operation. If you want to pay for a voluntary ticket or an other form of voluntary subscription, go to thebeaglepockasse.com and click the Donate button for a one-off or recurring donation. Amongst the obituries in the obituary section in the bin. The economy, optimism, comprehensible statistics, unalloyed joy, governmental credibility which passed away finally after a prolonged series of debilitating illnesses and self-inflicted injuries here in London, sadly missed by all those who think they remember ever existing. And above all British celebrity gardener Monty Donnes recently becaved dead dog and that was the first, I don't

know if you saw this story, Nish, Alice. I think the biggest news story that's happened in this country since the start of the coronavirus crisis and it showed how desperate we are for some non-coronavirus news that's the sad death of a much loved TV presenter's beautiful dog really rocketed to the top of the news charts just anything that did not involve a virus or some absolutely baffling numbers. I can't believe you thought that governmental credibility was alive in the UK. It was a zombie that had come back to life had its head chopped off and then come back as a vampire, and we've galicked it to f**k.

I saw a 22 minute eulogy video for an Instagram hamster the other day, and I was so tempted to click on it. So that's where I am in my life right now. Right. That I think that's where humanity is in its life right now, Alice. But we all come onto more things

that we didn't expect to happen in the universe later in the show, but it's a 22 minute video about a hamster. That's gotta be right up there. And your final section in the bin is question one of the excessively long multiple choice bugle quiz. And so you have your answer sheets, bugle, which are a bit of paper that I hope you have, and a pen, if you haven't got them, imagine them or go and get them now. There will be questions

interspersed through the show, multiple choice far too many choices for the quiz to have any fluency or relevance, but that is the way we do things on this show. And the question one is on the 16th of May, today's date On this date, exactly a 100 years ago, what happened to Joan of Arc? Joan of Arc 100 years ago today. Was she a voted hottest honey in the whole of history, at the inaugural session of the League of Nations? US President Woodrow Wilson passed the casting vote and declared in a heartbeat hell yeah. B option B on this day 100 years ago, Joan of Arc had her sentence reduced on appeal 489 years after being burned at the stakes. She was sentenced instead to 488 years of imprisonment and told up she was now free to go.

Option C, she was posthumously signed by Rell Madrid after club President Pedro Pat again, and a divine vision of the former French alleged heretics, scoring the winning goal in the Spanish Cup final. He was wrong, but Drid did not in fact win the Coppadelle Rey again until 1934. Although interestingly, the equalizer in that game was caught scored by someone called Juan, which is a bit like Joan. Option D, a hundred years ago, a parasol salesman in Santrope claimed he saw Joan of Arc, the 15th century heroine, buying a sandwich and a belated bottle of sun cream in a local cafe, sparking a mass pilgrimage which turned the

south of France into a prime holiday destination. Option E, she became one side of the first ever cubic coin issued by France to celebrate peace after the end of World War I. The other five sides of the cubic coin, of course, showed a baguette, a man on a bike in a, he jumped with a string of onion drowners neck, a man having an affair, a shrug, and an overhead but angry looking goose. Option F, she was picked out of a hat by George Bernard Shaw in a drunken game of play topic bingo,

Shaw's play St. Joan Julie came out three years later, his fellow playwrights were set, less easy task. J.M. Barry had to write a five-act drama about snitty-the-magic head-shock and Queen Victoria's underpants whilst T.S. Eliot, Pender seldom 5-act drama about snitty-the-magic hedgehog and Queen Victoria's underpants. Whilst T.S. Eliot, Pender, seldom performed drama entitled My Dinger-Ling. Or option G, a hundred years ago today, Joan of Arc was canonized by Pope Benedict XI. Those are your options. What could it possibly be, B. Uglars?

Write down your answers and I will give you the correct answers at the end of the show. Just as a content note, before this all began, you said, would you like to add any questions to the quiz? And I thought, does one, when perceiving a drowning man, throw him a rock? I've never felt such a sense of dread as I thought about the fact that there are 26 letters in the alphabet. I'm not going to do any with all 26 Nishok. I promise you that. Right.

Let's get some discipline into this operation. It's time for your top story this week. Here we go. There's the jingle. I mean, the thing thing is this happens in all TV shows and issue yourself with no this, they just don't go out live. So you have editors to chop out the dodgy bits like, you know, Jackie Showbiz drops the F's F's and C bombs, they just cut it out and make him look good. Now, I'm sorry it's more grateful to have editors of my entire life. Or indeed, let's face it, hair and makeup. What?

Do we have to be by ourselves, Andy? No, yeah, please do. Depends whether you are beeping yourself when you said do we have to beep ourselves at that point? So these are the things that we've been doing. No, I would have just said do we have to shoot ourselves Andy? Oh, I wish. It could have gone a different way. Must we? Go bleep yourself.

Now, and if I can quote from yourself, family show. Yep. Fat family show. Literally family show. My house is over there. I'm in the shed. My family is in that house watching this. So if you guys can raise the tone of it, I'll be very grateful. Top story. I tried to introduce this about three minutes ago. Top story. The virus is a girl. We finally know what gender COVID is, COVID-19, A.K.A. the microbial mephastophiles, A.K.A. the Titchy Tyrant, the Invisible Shipbag, the... it's... basically everything the world-assorted baddies have always dreamed of doing but never

achieved. That virus is, it turns out, a girl. Don't take it from me, take it from no less of scientific authority than the French language itself, which knows the gender of all things it's decided in its infallible Gallic wisdom that COVID is lack of heed and not look of heed. Alice, as beable correspondent for the unbi-testical community, how are your people reacting to the confirmation

that it is all your fault? Well, yes, Andy. This is great news. The Academy of Horses, whose job it is to make sure that French stays pure and unpolluted has announced that COVID is indeed a feminine, it's unfair. And it's not because the French are sexist, though, of course, they are sexist.

It's a part of French culture to be sexist, because they've been sexist for hundreds of years, and they don't like change unless it involves decapitation. So it's lack of idisneuf, not look of idisneuf. It's an acronym of a disease which is why it's called a woman. Disease is melody, which it means it's a girl. I don't know why melody is a girl. I assume that they think all diseases are women. The point is that French culture is the least relaxed culture about maintaining the standards of how relaxed they are. They're just consistently like, no, no, nothing will ever change.

We're going to stay real chill all times on pain of death. It is a classic move from the culture that invented hypocrisy, or the word hypocrisy. We all know that the concept of hypocrisy was invented by the Egyptians. Don't tell me to be in three-quarter profile all the time you married your art, who's also your sister. Sorry, beep. Family show, Alice. Obviously, I don't know quite how they managed to sex COVID. It is presumably based on a range of evidence, so the French linguistic

scientists, so of course have decided that a lawnmower is female, extra marital affair is female, bread is male, and a potato is male, so you know, reading to that whatever you want. It's sex COVID based on a range of evidence, the official statement said we've found that COVID has been very well organised through this crisis, prepared to socialise with people that doesn't know, able to multitask and be flexible and is relatively kind to children, albeit while still being a virus, and doesn't waste its time putting up unnecessarily shells or rewiring things, it all points to it being a lady virus. I mean, this is where off the hook here, aren't we, as mails?

Well, I don't know about you Andy, but I am furious. This is political correctness, gone mad. COVID, more like Cuckvid. There are little boys out there right now, Andy. Don't say that I'm pulling up. Don't say that I'm pulling up. Yeah, do not, don't say any of these things I'm pulling up, please. For the love of God.

There are little boys out there right now who are looking at this whole segment and thinking, well, I guess I can't be a disease that wrecks untold devastation on planet Earth and alters the very fabric of society. I guess I'm going to have to settle for being the president of everything. This is the future that the Liberals wanted Andy. It does this mean that COVID has to wear the exact amount of makeup that will make them look like they're not wearing makeup but in a way that lets you know they've made an effort? Yes, almost certainly.

I mean, a lot of the pictures looks like it's put kind of bit of lipstick or blusher on its little crowned bits but I mean, that's possibly something picked up from the queen who does the same thing. But generally when you look at the performance of the world's leading genders during this crisis. You know, the leaders in particular, you know, Trump, Bolsonaro, Johnson, versus Jacinda Ardern, Angela Merkel, Tsai Ing-wen, the president of Taiwan. I mean, it's not been a great time for fans of the male species. I mean, is it because these people are men

who dream of being alpha males? Is it simply because they are f**kwits who happen to be men? Or is it because they're f**kwitted men who dream of being alpha males and f**kwits simultaneously? Where it's very hard to say. Well, the real research I want to see is in what the relationship is between world leaders who are handling the crisis well and world leaders who have come to see me do comedy. Because in 2016, Jacinda Raderne came to see me do a show at the New Zealand comedy festival,

and she's now handling the virus very well. And you're welcome, New Zealand, okay? She got the experience up close of handling a total disaster. And now look at where New Zealand is. It's almost Andy. It's almost like the quality is traditionally associated with leadership, ideological legacies, predicated on society where victory used to be a matter of being able to bash the other

guys head in with a stick from a horse and you can't just joust your way through a four-hour briefing on epidemiology. Right, just maybe. That's possible, don't destroy our dreams. Don't destroy our dreams. Don't destroy our dreams. I mean, do you think Nish is, as members of the male team, we've got to assess where we are as a gender at this point in history. I mean, is it time for us to just take a break?

We're in patriarchy, is in need of some fresh ideas, I think, reboot. Maybe it's time for us to go away as a gender. Think about some of the things we may have done wrong and come back refreshed in a couple of years ready to go for another few millennia of domination. Is that a fair thing to accept at this point? Yeah, I think it's not a bad idea, especially our tactic over the last sort of four or five years, which has been to send pretty much all of our worst players on the pitch at once. We've really, it's not just that they're men, it's the fact that they're some of the worst men of all time. And yeah, look, the Patriarchy has had its time, maybe we just need a bit of a refresh, we just need a bit of a refresh, take a bit of a relax, and then see if we can work out how to not send the most f***ing idiotic examples of our gender to the absolute top of the most powerful positions in the world. woman from history who's been getting a lot of big wraps this week on her 200th birthday

is long time, a bugle favourite of Florence and I think I'll try and keep this as decent as possible this section. Some hospitals have been marked in occasion by Chris take that off the screen. I'm trying to fuck them up working. That is not suitable for work. Some hospitals have been giving their staff full Florence Nightingale masks to wear, which turns out it's cheaper than buying Turkish PPE kit and slightly more effective. And it's been a great time to appreciate Florence Nightingale's legacy to the world. Alice, are you a Nightingale fan? Yes, and I want to wish a happy birthday to of Florence Nightingale, the lady of the lamp,

the woman of the wound care protocol, the fam non-fatal, the gimme more of the Crimean War, just an astonishingly complex, competent, latex snapping chart carrying human feces cleaning knowledge heavy problem solver and apparently Florence Riding Gales birthdays also associated with international nurses day, so That's a wonderful thing. Why don't you celebrate international nurses day by dressing up as a sexy patient for once I've been doing that all my life And this what is Florence Nightingale mean to you? Well, unfortunately, Andy, Florence Nightingale's entire legacy and all of her humanitarian work and the incredible things she did in the Crime Inn will have entirely been overshadowed

by a decade of being exposed to your ceaseless boner for her. And unfortunately now, when I hear that it's Florence Nightingale all I can think about is you getting Randy in your cricket stats shed. You've ruined Nightingale for me. Well I mean obviously she has a great legacy to the world including linguistically interestingly. It's a couple more facts for you. The term 90 comes from Nightingale. The cloaks worn by Nightingale and her fellow nurses in the Crimean War, which shot her to global stardom. They work such long shifts and had such early starts out to sleep in their medical overalls, which have been designed by Florence, of course,

and the Nightingale gowns became shortened to 90s. Her nursing colleague, Gemma'm a panel host, is on the underwear, of course. The phrase, a panel host, really, is the sweet spot for me. The phrase, the phrase, go with the flow. Also comes from Florence Nightingale, the soldiers who would willingly submit to Florence Nightingale's instructions. I'm usual for the patriarchal world of the 19th century after she sings that she was very much opposed to unnecessary death, which was a significant break from military medical tradition. Now that moves us on to question two of the bugle quiz today. Get your answer sheets out already. We'll tell you the answers at the end.

And this is a true or false round. All quizzes have to have a true or false round. But this being the bugle, this is a false or very false round. All these options are false. But one has a very small element of truth in it. Can you tell me which one? And this is on the subject of etymology. Option A, the term ketchup originates from when tomatoes

were introduced to Europe from South America in the 16th century. And a mashed up, spiced tomato sludge was marketed as a remedy for impotence. Ketch was a contemporary term for a gentleman's tojington, hence the term Ketch up. Option B, barbecue, the origin of the term barbecue comes from, well, during the papacy of the notoriously dictatorial Pope Lurid II, when it was only legal to eat meat, when about to have your hair cut, hence stores stores would be selling grilled meats to people waiting outside a hair salon, Hent Barbeque.

Is it option C? Avocado. French lawyers back in the Revolutionary Times or advocates would represent big water owners for a court case against the new fangled water hungry food stuff that they became known as Leia's avocado and it became attached to the food stuff. The term none of the above comes from the elevated sisters of Pontific Archer, a dogmatic sect of extremely Christian nuns who live their entire lives on special race platforms to be close to the Lord. Under siege in 1187 the sisters refused to come down from their ledge or accept any of the range of demands of the invading Mangalorean army hence the term

none of the above. Option E, the term Oivai comes from a traditional facial covering worn by Jewish people when disappointed to cover their fury known as the Oy Vail, or shortens to Oy Vay. Ops, the term ostrich comes from an ancient Germanic legend of giant fighting orcs with telescopic nex able to run as fast as the wind and peck your eyes out, which are rumoured to come from an eastern kingdom, or Ost Reich, or is it Option G, the term Quarantine. During the time of the Black Death in the 14th century, the Venetian government forced people suspected of having a celebrity infectious disease, a plague to isolate and eat nothing but a hybrid health giving fruit vegetable cross between a carrot or quarrett as it was known

for several times, or Johnston's standard of spelling. And a clementine hence the term Quarantine. So that's your options. A through to G. jot down your answer and we will give you the answers. At the end of the quiz, I think we all need a break. You would just have a... I'm sorry, I'm not this disheartened.

Could you just read the question? LAUGHTER At one point, I forgot what was happening? Why were we doing this and who I was? Don't play me, Nish. That is also the tactic of the British government in helping people who will ignore what they've done through this crisis. That's a seamless link. I'm not awake enough for this. Oh, well, it is.

What time is it? 7, 7.30, where you are? It's about 6 o'clock in the morning now. All right, it's gone backwards. LAUGHTER It's 9 p.m. here, and I don't have a f***ing clue what just happened there. Is this still the top priority? Also, I had a very ill-ad advised coffee at about 8.30 pm.

And all I'm saying is, I'm buzzing there is half a chance that in about 45 minutes, some of this live broadcast may come from a different room and by house. That's all I'm saying. I'm putting it out there. Just where you did the whole of your TV show from, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely. The ass report. I've put it out there. I just waited a little bit. I just waited a little bit. Yeah, absolutely. The ass report. Yeah. It's been, there was very nearly an American topical show that was re-crisson John on the John,

but that luckily didn't happen to have a camera set up elsewhere. Now, last week, tonight. I've got a million of this. Right, let's move on since we've mentioned the British government. It's been an interesting week for Britain in its corona narrative. The UK government is famously a living petri dish experiment in what happens if you try to make a diesel engine work by filling it with rap vomit. No one really wins. Not even the rats. Last weekend they announced a new strategy which was to be even vague about what their strategy is. Perhaps from a low the virus into complacency given how easy it had found it to reduce this nation to a baffled jelly. They announced from their trademark

bable tower of embathletment. a new slogan instructing Britain to stay alert rather than stay at home. Finally, learning the lessons of the 1660s bubonic plague outbreak, which was caused, of course, by people being a little bit blase and inattentive, Nicholas Sturgeon described the slogan, switch to stay alert, as quotes potentially catastrophic, which by great coincidence are the words Boris Johnson uses on his Tinder profile. Um, so we were, and niche,

niche out how alert have you been this week? I mean, your voice absolutely, absolutely on it. Oh, I am, Andy, I look, before we move on, it's just gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. If I don't return briefly to the subject of John Oliver It's Cho title and if he did it from the toilet the answer obviously should be Ask Cheek Poo Shite. Let's now we can we dealt with that and now we can move on Yeah, the UK UK government policy has shifted again

And Boris Johnson is now treating the coronavirus like it's one of his biological children in that he's just passing responsibility and sort of hoping it goes away. Last Sunday there was a televised broadcast from Downic Street and I don't know if anybody has seen any of the footage of it but it was genuinely very very weird. He didn't do it live. He scripted it in advance and pre-filmed it and then released it. And all I can say watching that, as someone who has been making a television show

in his house for the last six weeks is, it's not as fucking easy as I make it look in the forest, you fucking c*****. That was surely the most worrying thing about all of this is that that was somehow the best take. At one point he was just screaming a list of jobs because he's obviously been told that he's lacking gravitas owing to the fact that he, you know, his whole brand is I'm a bit of laugh, and that's not really the vibe that they're going for right now. So he was sort of banging his fists on the table, and he was just kind of shouting every third world.

Yeah, it was absolutely insane. It was like watching a toddler have a tantrum, and then afterwards finding out that that toddler is now all that stands between you and dying because the air is full of poison. Ha ha ha. Yeah, so they've changed the slogan. The slogan is now a stay alert,

and the announcement officially was that you're being encouraged to go to work, but you can't use public transport, and you can't really arrive at the time that you would normally, basically, you can go to work, but the only way you can get to work is via a delorean. And I don't know if it's possible to be any clearer than that. And the next morning on Monday morning, a slew of government ministers were passed around,

all of the various different shows just to desperately clarify what the f***er has sort of been banging on about. And there's this gem that I say from Monday morning. A Victoria Dubsheh does a British sort of talk show that covers lots of current event issues. Had Dominic Robon, Dominic Rob, some of you might remember was the Brexit Secretary who quit in protest at his own Brexit negotiations. And also has the vibe of someone who's definitely murdered.

I can't prove that. Allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, citation needed, allegedly, but he has that vibe. And this, Dominic Rob is supposed to be clarifying the government's policy, and this absolute gem came from the Victoria to Arbshatwitt recount, which was live tweeting everything that Rob was saying. This is an direct quote.

Dominic Rob says, you can meet your mum in the morning and a different relative in the afternoon if it's outside and in England. I can't say clear at the moment. It's like a Lewis Carroll nonsense poem. Our government's coronavirus policy is essentially that thing where William Burrows used to write random sentences, cut them up, put them in a bag, shake them around around and throw them on the floor. But through this, Boris Johnson has been floundering around like a lactose intolerant arachnophobe who's forgotten his safe word at a cheese and spider's fetish club. And especially, he's been put up against the new Labour Party leader, Kia Stammer, formerly one of Britain's top lawyers,

who's been giving Boris Johnson in prime minister's questions enough metaphorical rope to metaphorically hang himself only to find that Boris Johnson is on the phone to a Timbyard ordering everything he needs for a fully functioning gallows and asking, oh, we're going short drop or long drop. It's basically, it's been like a policy Sudoku, essentially, the government's approach.

Well, this means that can't be that, which means that that also isn't possible. So that must be that, but it can't be because that has to mean that. Or that, so I think it means that legally I'm allowed to lick a bench. But only for the outside and in England. Yeah, I've watched privateist's question time. Keir Starmer looks absolutely baffled. Because as you say, he is a lawyer. And what happened on Wednesday was the equivalent

of him going up to Cross Exhab in someone and then walking up to the stand, wearing a t-shirt saying, I killed the f***. LAUGHTER He looked absolutely baffled. Boris Johnson is playing Roper dope, but like he forgot to watch the end of the rumble in the jungle. And so he's now just thinks that Mahabhar Ali leaned

his way to the championship. Well, that means it's unbelievable that there are things that are happening way too late. We've talked about this on the bugle in over the last few months. Contact tracing, they're now starting to think about. The government is basically sprung into action very much like Santa Claus crashing down your chimney in mid-March. No, can I have a glass of ****ing sherry? My kid has been in tears for 10 weeks, you toss it. And their pain is contact tracing. It's army of contact tracers minimum wage because nothing says you are a massively important

part of our national struggle like pagan and the equivalent of entry level toilet cleaning result not enough contact traces team GB team GB and Alice Australia has been doing rather rather better through this for I mean help by the fact that it's a massive desert obviously what what's

I mean how how is the Australian view of the British struggle being going? I mean, look, if we wanted vengeance for the whole convict thing, you're delivering it. In Australia, at the moment, we're coming out of lockdown because we've handled the virus super well. And if everybody is responsible and does social distancing, then we're really gonna knock this thing on the head. I went out yesterday and ah, f*** everyone's looking

at each other. Everyone's out playing suck and blow in the middle of the mall. The f*** said just put a mask on. Do you have no, we seem to have no version of you're not locked in your house that isn't quick use my leg as a stripper pole. People can't be trusted with their own lungs. What, what, what, what What you're allowed to go outside should mean is, people in a little nose out like a quivering momma set being told, the wolf has headed west. And what it turns out to mean is just plaster yourself all over each other's faces. You got no idea how it's going.

On the bright side, looking at the UK does make us feel a lot better about ourselves. How good would it be if the combination of Brexit and the coronavirus handling in England meant that Scotland and Ireland end up leaving going to the EU and the only UK member state that isn't part of the EU anymore is England? I don't care about Wales, Wales can go f**king themselves. Well, you say it will be fun

about speaking to someone who is English and a fan of Europe as a continent. I love other continents too. So nothing against South America and Antarctica, but I do like Europe. It would be a harrowing tragedy. But that's what democracy's all about. Alex, actually, in the virus, all about.

The latest government advice, just a few more details on holidays. Matt Hancock, the health secretary, said there will be no big, lavish, international holidays this year, or as they used to be known in this country an empire. These holidays will be allowed only on your own and if you stay at home. Regarding quarantining, the government has announced they will be politely asking people

coming into the country to quarantine themselves after a rigorous scientific research project over the last three months into whether or not not Quarantining people works as well as Quarantining them as a means of preventing the virus spreading turns out it doesn't Here's the clever bit if you're from France coming from France or Ireland You don't have to be quarantined because baguettes and leprosy comes give you immunity I think that is the level of science that we're going with here And it's a bit late again. It's like Churchill saying yeah, we should definitely send up some fight to planes to deal with that shit in November 1943, shortly after the Nazis had turned Lord's Cricket Ground

into a later hoes in the factory. Yeah, and it's not, I'd like Churchill going, listen, if you're out and about and you see a Nazi, punch him. Yes, punch him in the face. We're not gonna fight a war with an army. Why would anyone do that? But if you happen to be out at Tesco's and you see a Nazi in the face. We're not gonna fight a war with an army. Why would anyone do that? But if you happen to be out at Tesco's

and you see a Nazi in the frozen fruit, I'll smack him right in the chops. Ideally from 1.5 meters away. I'm not really in a position to criticize, not doing things in time. I still haven't finished my Italian 90 World Cup scrapbook. I'm not in a position to someday, some don't, never say never, butler's.

We've seen what can be achieved with this technological miracle that is unfolding before your eyes or be after it, sorry, it's a great start. But other people are in a position to judge and they seem to be unimpressed. The daily telegraph has been criticising Boris Johnson, which is like seeing Boris Johnson criticise Boris Johnson. It's just something that simply shouldn't happen.

Meeting a family, now there's a lot of talk about what you can do. So as you said, two people from different household can meet in outdoor settings, as long as they stay more than two meters apart. You can visit your parents, but only one at a time, or if you see them both,

then you have to cat about one off a cliff into the sea or something like that, forget. It's like a mission straight, there's a loophole, it's like a mission straighting. So my friends' parents live overseas, so I'm using his allowance to see both of my parents simultaneously, but I will only look at them one at a time,

and the latest advice says it's like a Medusa, that if you speak to someone while looking in a mirror, or a shiny reverse side of a shield, it doesn't pose a risk to be on the safe side I will remain at least 20 meters away from my parents and use a loud hailer and make them stand behind a special prism to make them seem smaller than they actually are and therefore harder for any passing viruses to spot and I will speak to them in a New Zealand accent because that seems to work pretty well. Oh, clear. Oh, clear. Right. I genuinely have to have a conversation with my mum this week where she suggested that

we meet in a park and I have a conversation with her while my dad hides in a bush and then we trade places. And I was trying to explain to her that I don't think you can hide from the coronavirus. I don't think that's how it works. That's, let's move on. Shall we move on to the USA for our American views? You West it. Our American views. We've been enjoying the death of American democracy. I mean, it's had underlying conditions,

it really hasn't looked after itself. So is it dying of Trump or dying with Trump? We don't know, but he has certainly accelerated the process. He's very much Donald Trump, the proverbial puppy that never learned to crap in the garden and now three and a half years into the dog's first term of office, the living room has become a complete no-go area. And good luck trying to teach that now,

pretty old dog, not to dump on its favorite shit so far. So, also, he's one of those dogs that only barks at black people for some reason. At this point, I'm so sick of Trump dominating the news landscape that I'm willing to invent an entire alternate dimension where he's just slightly less prominent. He is too diluted even to be a villain in an action movie, because at least the writers

have to give them a coherent backstory for them wanting to destroy the world. Man who sees the entire population of the country he rules as non-player characters in a game of sims he can't wait to delete is too on the nose even for a Vin Diesel triple X sequel. He's now essentially depressingly just giving up on fighting coronavirus and a sort of lurched into campaign mode and he is now trying to sort of, as usual, he sort of thought about doing something about coronavirus but he's just defaulted and you know when you default we've all got our sort of default modes and he has just gone back to being racist and trying to blame everything on Barack Obama. So he's used this week instead of updating

Americans on the testing regime or even wearing masks in public. He's instead just working on a new scandal that he's calling a Barma gate. So Sunday, he tweeted 126 times, which, depressingly, is only the third highest of his presidency. 126 tweets is the bronze medal. That is roughly five tweets an hour. There are bots that are designed only to tweet that are tweeting less frequently

than the president of America. Now, to explain what the latest strategy is, this is what Al Jazeera has said. They described it as an unproven narrative that Obama, along with Joe Biden and then FBI director James Comey, and in collusion with intelligence services in the US and abroad, planted a phony theory that Trump was colluding with Russia in order to win the 2016 election. Once part of the theory was allegedly picked up by members of the anti-Trump deep state in the US and used to spy on and frame members of Trump in a circle. Now I know, I don't even know where to start with this, right? This is a barmer gate thing. There's absolutely no substantiations for it. He's offered no evidence. He's just

been tweeting about it relentlessly. And yet for some reason, the thing that has annoyed me the most is the fact that he's referring to it as a Barma Gate. Now that is not how the gate system of naming works for scandals. It was Watergate, not Nixongate. How is he this shit at everything? Well, I think you're being very unfair on him because he put out that tweet that people said just one word, a barma gate, but it was misrepresented because if you pronounce it correctly, or barma garte, you will know it's an ancient Japanese martial art.

But Mr. Trump practices, now a barma gv, as you don't know it, involves shouting abuse at anyone and everything that you see. You can very good work out for the lungs, it's an equi-liberalizer for the spirit. You should try, it's very similar to swear-o-bicks, if any of you bugleers have ever given that, go, very popular, but support it. I think it's time now, since we're talking about Trump Trump to have question three of the bugle pride quiz, the excessive choice. Price quiz.

And this is on Donald Trump. It's a very simple question. That question is, which of the following things did the president of America, the leader of the free world, the figurehead of the self proclaimed greatest democracy in the world, not do this past week? Only one of these things, the president of world, not do this past week. Only one of these things the president America did not do. A, accused a TV news presenter of being a murderer. B, face Supreme Court hearing over his tax returns, which also tax on allegations that he paid hush money to a

porn star. C, he was accused of violating the US legal system by facilitating the race of a man who pleaded guilty to misleading the FBI on his behalf. D, he tweeted his support of protesters who were harassing a journalist. E, he boasted about having a super duper new missile, presumably one that can take out a virus microbe at a range of 10,000 miles with collateral casualties below 50 million. Or F, he told a press conference that Joe Biden shot JFK was working for the Cuban Mafia and then had a tour of the fair with Muppet star Fuzzy Bear in the 1970s.

They're unholy progeny, of course, becoming the notorious fraggles species. Only one of those things. He did not do. And I think you know what it is. Even that one, he probably thought of doing. I mean, the rest, I mean, I'm admitting, again, nothing that Lincoln or Eisenhower, one of the Roosevelt's, wouldn't have done

most weeks, they were in charge, but these days, it just seemed a little bit off. He also, he announced a couple of really, he announced a new policy this week that basically had absolutely nothing to do with coronavirus. He unveiled something, he unveiled a new missile system, as part of his flag ceremony unveiling for his new space force, and he, I can't believe I'm reading

this out. He said that we have no choice, we have to do it with the adversaries we have out there. We have, I call it, I call it the super duper missile. And I heard the other night, it's 17 times faster than what they have right now. Now coupled with the fact that his naming system for the new vaccinations for coronavirus is now called Operation Warp Speed, which you can't, it was called that because he said, it means that means big and it means fast. But he also said it's a massive scientific industrial and logistic endeavor unlike anything our country has seen since the Manhattan Project, which begs the alarming question, does

he think the Manhattan Project is the name given to when they built the Empire State building? Because I cannot believe he's talking about a policy of vaccinations against a deadly virus and comparing it to building a f***ing nuclear bomb. The Michael Flynn story is quite interesting. The former National Security Advisor had been in jail. He previously admitted that he lied, but he's now saying he lied about lying. We're in a kind of, it's kind of shroding as perjury situation here.

At very best, he told a white lie, and by white lie, obviously I mean white lies and a falsehood told with good intentions, rather than white lie, as in Donald Trump's view of the history of the United States of America. When he accused that MSNBC anchor of murder, the MSNBC anchor was in a different city and the lady had a heart attack and fell over.

That is... Yeah, that just made it the perfect crime, doesn't it? What did he send us such a bad dick pic that... What? Oh, that would be a hard one to recover from. He's been still at war with his scientific advisors and just seeing Trump engage with science. We talked about last week the jarring juxtaposition of Trump with Abraham Lincoln at that town hall meeting and seeing him doing it and he's talking about science.

He's like seeing him next to Isaac Newton with his trousers underpants, round his ankles, swinging his nuts at from side to side shouting, look, I can make my balls bang together, and see each other too, you're not so special, you're a dead loser, what kind of droid gets hit on the head by an apple? And he has your eyes at Newton joke for the week, I would have probably had him stumbled on it. Right, my favourite, can I just say my favorite conspiracy theory before we move on? My favorite one is the one where they think Bill Gates

is trying to vaccinate you with nanobots to track and control you. Because he, in 2012, he put in a vaccine patent for a completely different coronavirus, which is like screaming at your newlywed for sleeping with your sister when in fact you mean they slept with you. Like it's a completely different thing. And the idea that they're super worried about nanobots going to track you and control

you, like you haven't already ceded all privacy and control to social media algorithms that literally no one influenced what you're thinking and where you are at all times. The call is coming from inside the house and it's your phone calling you and you're making the f***ing call. Like... Thank you for joining us so far, Bugglers. If you want to pay for a virtual ticket, if you don't have to go to thebugglepodcast.com and click on the donate button that's also where you can find our volunteer subscriptions there it is Chris like that kind of technological master we've come to expect from this this young triathlete I've actually

updated it people have now and now have a nice blue button they can click on which is always nice it's nice to click on a new button isn't it? it's always always nice so if you want to contribute to the to the Bugle pay for the show that we've been giving you tonight go to the BuglePogos.com and click the donate link now. The Dutch have gone a very Dutch way about this and they've issued a special respect official advice in which they've advised people to find a sex buddy to see them through the lockdown Well done the Dutch you win a national stereotype of the week And it does make you wonder we've seen so much hypocrisy from governments

Are the Dutch government gonna set an example with this policy? Or is it gonna be another classic case of doers we say not doers we do is the rights prime minister mark rutta or spicious name in the circumstances going to announce an official briefing don't tell the wife but me and femke are going to be going at it hammer and dutch tongs this weekend for the good of this country and I mean sure this is one policy niche that our political leaders here in Britain might actually have a chance of not being voltcanically hypocritical about. Surely this is the policy Boris Johnson was born to announce.

LAUGHTER Sure, I mean, that guy, given the rate of... I mean, I don't know how to pronounce... given his F number. If we could use the... Pollyance of our age. Boris Johnson's F number is normally in at very least the high 200s. And given his, you know, this sort of enforced lockdown, I'm actually genuinely, I'm blown away that he hasn't announced his policy. But yeah, it's the Dutch

are responding to this. In fairness, we are also responding to this as you would expect from our nation in Britain, in that we're in denial about anything that we might possibly have done wrong. We've certainly not been out deep all position since the sort of mid-19th century. But yes, the Dutch... B.C. I was just... B.C. Yeah, I do.

LAUGHTER No, it wasn't supposed to have a roof on it. No, that's how H to have a roof on it. No, that's how Henge is supposed to be, you know. Bloody stones, not a good ill of all it. Like, I want to be on a fly on the Zoom call for these sex buddy conversations. Like, how do you broach that with a pal? And what do you tell your grandchildren if you happen to have any as a result of this?

Are the government suggested a loveless interlocking of genitals in an attempt to suppress excessive isolation first-trap induced blue balls for the ladies that's known as flaplock. Which is a Dutch village. But, well, also, you know, those questions that you'll be asked by your grand what did you do in the great virus war? I guess the result, what do you mean what? Do you mean who or what? Right, we are heading towards the end of this show and we still have a question to go in the bugle multiple choice quiz. Well, we've got seven minutes at least.

If you start now, here is your sports question. This is the sports section this week in the absence of all sport, basically, or almost all sport. Here's a sports question. What failed to stop the Cleveland Indians picture Ray Caldwell from finishing a major league baseball game against the Philadelphia Athletics in the year 1919. So one of these is true, the thing that did stop him, that didn't, that did happen, but did not stop him finishing the game. Was it A, he was attacked by a dog and had his finger

bitten off, was it B, he ruptured his shoulder, elbow and wrist tendons throwing a fastball, was it C, he became vice president to Woodrow Wilson after Thomas R. Marshall temporarily stepped down due to a trampoline injury, was it D? He was attacked by his girlfriend's furious husband and had his nose broken. Was it E? He was attacked by his own furious wife and had his eardrum perforated. Was it F? He was attacked by both his girlfriend's furious husband and his own furious wife and had his nose broken and his eardrum perforated and his testicles clattered with the baseball bat. Was it G? He was arrested by Chicago police on a suspicion of murder but pitched on in the 9th. Was it G? He was arrested by Chicago Police on a suspicion of murder, but pitched on in the 9th.

Was it H? He was arrested by Chicago Police for attempted murder after attempting to kill athletics hit a driller butt clock with his own bat. Was it I? He was abducted by aliens, returned two minutes later claiming he'd been away for 20 years, and pitched a new, unplayable 125-mile-an-hour fastball he said he'd learnt in outer space. Was it J? His wife gave birth in the dugout. Was it K? He gave birth in the dugout. Was it L? He died a Spanish influenza. Was it M? He ran out of balls due to the number of home runs conceded. He finished the match pitching apples in the ninth. Was it N? He signed for the other team. The athletics mid-match and pitch the ninth ending to both teams leading to a change in the law. Was it O? The Treaty of Versailles

failed to stop him for finishing the game. The treaty was signed on the 28th of 1919, and Cleveland Hating President Woodrow Wilson inserted a subclause making it illegal for anyone to pitch for the Cleveland Indians in amongst some of the blurb about carving up the Middle East. The news came through as Calder was preparing to pitch the 8th, and he declared, well, I'm still at war, and pitch two more shut-out innings in defiance of the treaty before being arrested and placed under the purview of the British Empire. Was it option P? He was hit on the head and forgot at a pitch. Was it option Q? Flatulence, a nervous cold well, eight is way through three kilograms of dried air, provoked during a tense match and was quote, uncontrollably

gaseous by the later innings. He bravely picks through his distractingly audible posterior exfulgence, attaining previously unachiebed speeds, giving rise to both the phrase, like the wind as a term for quickly, and the tradition of pictures holding their gloves in front of their nose and mouth. Was it option R? Mary Pickford, the silent movie star the wind as a term for quickly, and the tradition of pictures holding their gloves in front of their nose and mouth. Was it option R? Mary Pickford, the silent movie star, arrived at a mat as Coldo was preparing to pitch the fourth thinnings, Coldwell, who'd been obsessed with Pickford ever

since seeing her star in the 1912 film of female other species, saw the movie Megastar in the stands, and pitched through the final five innings in what local newspaper the Cleveland Snow to describe as quote, a state of visible excitement. Or was it option S? He was struck by lightning. Or option C, he went to viewapotas.com

and clicked on the tonate link. Those are your options. I told you I wouldn't get to Zednish. I promised you I would not get to Zed. The nerve of you. The fucking brass balls of you to ask for money at the end of it. The nerve of you. The nerve of you. I'm asking brass balls of you to ask for money at the end of it. Make it more

to people complain quizzes are too easy. I've given you 20 options to make it. Oh my god. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Right. So we'll give the Johnny answers. Sure, sure, sure, we have the answers to the quiz questions. No. No. What? What? We we got, you can't have quiz without answers. You cannot, no you cannot. Wets! Right, the answers are. Question one, Joan of Arc, she was, it was Option G, the last option, canonized by Pope

Ben of the, the 15th. Option two, etymology, the slightly less falter version was quarantine. It did arise during the Black Death in the 14th century from the Venetian government but nothing to do with the Carrot Clemenceine hybrid. Question three, Donald Trump, he did not claim that Joe Biden shot JFK but all the rest he did do and finally there Ray Coldwell the 1919 picture. He was struck by lightning but got up and pitched the pitch the final innings that that is the end of your quiz Bugles if you've got all four questions right right you have won the the right to rewatch this show every day for the rest of your lives

Congratulations We've talked quite a little bit in recent weeks about facial coverings and the new trend for a need for people to wear facial coverings and a headgear of various sorts. We probably didn't think we'd ever need. It's very difficult for many of us. I hate the idea of having to wear these facial covers, but a friend of mine, he's always worn them. He's obsessed by facial coverings, he is.

In fact, I asked him if he thought that people having to cover their mouths and those are gonna be a brief necessity that goes away or a long-term fixture for humanity and replied after a bit of contemplation, is it just a phase mask me in a few months? Oh. And a few months,

f***ing hell. That was amazing. He always wore, he always wore, can you mute them please Chris? He always wore, he always wore master different types, did make relationships a bit awkward his face covering obsession. His favourite thing to do on a date was a multiple choice quiz, similar to the one that you've all been enjoying so much in this show in which his dates had to guess what he used to do for a living and the correct answer was the 14th option.

In fact he used to assess the quality of Italian And the correct answer was the 14th option. In fact, he used to assess the quality of Italian motor scooters made in the year that the film Toy Story came out and Nelson Mandela in Spide South Africa to win the rugby world cup for the first time. So yes, the correct answer to what he did for a living was option 14, N95 Vesperator. Yes, I mean, that's a great,

what's that? N95 Vesperator. N95 Vesperator. No. It was so much better when that came up in my head. He had very great trouble, of course, with relationships and sex, not just caused by his obsession with covering his face. Don't forget to donate. During the act, with a...

He used to wear a woolly head covering with holes just for the eyes and mouth only, but also some of his terminology for his organs. He used to refer to his member William as his Vesuvius and his gentleman's ejunculatory fluidicals he used to refer to Alice as his Bollaclava. No! He came over to his developed a vaccine

but it'll only work if it injected into men, women he called it a hijab. Right, don't worry, only a couple more now and he used to have erotic dreams about prolonged kissing sessions with senior police officers. He said I'd loved to neck a chief. But anyway, someone was showing his friends he told me and I'll finish with this. We're struggling with what to wear as their new head gear and he told me, Andy, I had a call from the more successful of the two remaining members of the Beatles. And he was telling me that he was having momentary urges to wear a non-shed dress and I said to him,

I wouldn't do that on a whim, Paul. Wim, whim, Paul. Right, is that at the time? We were talking around as a protest to me with my head of my hands. Yeah, I see that, Nish. And Alice, I see you've gone on, you know, disappearing protests. But, you know, a protest. I was enjoying it so much that my legs gave out.

That's what happened, Andy. Yeah, we've, we've, you know, we, this is Chris, it's Chris's fault. Yeah, I wasn't going to do them, but he insisted. What? I got it. I mean, you said, you said, I mean, you said, I mean, you said, I mean, you said, you should, you should do, you should do some puns. You said, maybe you should puns on scars and face coverings. It's just, and, uh, yeah, because I think the audience would love it.

And I said, really, that, that snudes to me. Yeah, there we go. This is it. He always makes you think he's done and he's not. I am done now. I am done now. Bugle is, that is the end of this live bugle. This show is now over.

This show is over. Thank you very much for watching, stroke, listening, stroke, suffering through it. Thank you very much. If you have, listening, stroke, suffering through it. Thank you very much. If you have enjoyed it, bugleers do go to the buglebox.com, click the donate button to pay for a virtual voluntary retrospective ticket. Thank you to Chris for sending it all up on offer, that brief glitch at the start. Making things run smoothly as an egg. Don't forget to listen to the last post, Alice is wonderful podcast from the Bugle stable.

Anything else to plug, Alice? Oh yes, my stand-up special, Savage is available now on Amazon Prime for streaming. If you do not like Amazon, it's still available as the trilogy podcast for free. But if you do have Amazon Prime, stream it and then maybe they'll let me do more stuff.

Nish, anything to listen to? Tour of your own living room? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm still... there's still three episodes of the Master Report on BBC iPlayer, which you can watch, and if you don't live in Britain, you've all seen it on YouTube, so... Thank you. If you've enjoyed this, Bougle, let us know if you haven't constructive feedback. We'll be ignored. Welcome. Welcome. And I'm sure we'll do another

one at some point in the not too distant future. Unless everything turns out to be fine with the world. Thank you once again for joining us. Huge thanks to Nishkumar and Alice Fraser. Thanks to producer Chris. I've been Andy Zoltzman signing off from the shed. Until next time, goodbye. Bye. Goodbye. Oh, done yet. I mean, to the best of my guess is we are now no longer streaming.

I mean, to the best of my guess is we are now no longer streaming.