The Bugle - Bugle Special: Terrible Brits and the original F*ckeulogy

Episode Date: April 8, 2023

Andy, Nish and Felicity look at Brits in Amsterdam, and the environment (spoiler, it's bad). Plus we revisit the original f*ckeulogy, Alice introduces us to modern cockroach mating and Tiff Stevenson meets Mark Thomas.Featuring:Andy ZaltzmanNish KumarFelicity WardJohn OliverAlice FraserJosh Gondelman Gabe MollicaTiff StevensonMark ThomasWhy not check out 15 years of top stories: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/topstories.Produced by Chris Skinner, Ped Hunter and Laura Turner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugglers! I am Andy Zoltzman, welcome to Issue 4258 Sub Episode A for April is not only the cruelest month, it's also the month in which this year we're taking the first week off. A number of reasons why we're not doing a full bugle this week, one so I can lock myself

in the shed, and simply let the return of the English cricket season radiate nothing, but good vibes into this troubled world. And two, because everyone's off work and off school because of some 2000 year old court case or other. I have to cut my water to charge off Messoanakin charge for donkey or something like that if I remember correctly. Now knowing this was coming we did bank some extra stories last week, timeless stories that are just as relevant now as they were seven days ago, if not even more so.

The environment plus British men going on holiday and getting wasted. You'll be hearing those from me, Felicity Ward and Nish Kumar. After that we'll have some classic clips from the bugle as heard in our top stories podcast, subscribe now via the internet of some sort, plus some fine recent moments from our sibling shows, The Gargle with Alice Fraser and Cathararsis with Tiffany Stevenson. But let's start with me, Nish and Felicity with the environment, which has hired a lawyer. More end of the world news now, and well climate is still not going away, and the world's top court, the international court of justice, it will for the first time advise

on nation's legal obligations to fight climate change following a motion from Vanuatu, the tiny Pacific Island nation, that is rather more concerned about rising sea levels and, for example, landlocked mountainous andora, or quite a lot of land to spare America or sell them on fire or underwater UK. But this could be a, it could be a key moment in humanity's fight to survive the climate catastrophe because obviously international law being sacred and inviolable and being concerned by all governments around the world. I think we can pretty much assume that the environment is now fixed and move on to something else. Yes, say good call, good call. Where is the World Court, do you know?

What's just... In space? Well, it should be, you know, getting more objective, more objective. Well, it's based... The views are amazing from HQ. It is actually based in the Netherlands. So, I mean, I guess if you want to have a World Court, you want it in a country with legalised weed, just to sort of take the edge off.

I can't imagine some of the cases that are landing on the desk of the world court. You just need to smoke a blunt to take the edge off some of those details. Is that the haig? Is that the same thing? Yes. The haig is the haig, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that the world court? It is the haig. Oh, okay. Well, if you'd said that, if you'd said the haig, I would have got it. Well, if you'd said that, if you'd said the hey, I would have got it. I mean, does anyone care? Would any, like, does the justice system

anywhere mean anything? I don't mean to be a cynic, but I am. Like, I don't know a country where people are like, yeah, our justice system pretty good. We've done it. We fixed it, we figured out how to do it. So like the UN Australia breached like over 500 human rights with their offshore detention centers. Nothing happened. Well, you should not say nothing happened. Something did happen. Is that

we in Britain took one look at that and thought, oh you're older son. Let's get a wander on the phone. The ICJ, so the Prime Minister of Vanuatu, Ishmael Kalsakka, said that it was a historic resolution at the beginning of a new year in multilateral climate cooperation. He said that it placed, and Ishmael said that it placed the human rights and intergenerational equity at the forefront of climate decision making. The ICJ has reacted by saying that it will now have two years to consider its view. Oh sure, take a couple of years with this. Why not?

Why the hell not? They've got time. It is such a bizarre thing to be presented by information about climate change from a country that is literally sinking and be like, we're going to need 24 months. We're on the clock. We are on the clock, you guys. It does show, doesn't it, something about the state of the planet and our species again, that what is needed is legal obligations, because having a planet where life is viable

just doesn't seem to be enough of an incentive to get people to do something right to me actually when I was visited by a magic genie who said to me, Andy, love you work, I'm gonna grant you eternal health and happiness and I replied, yeah, but what's in it for me? And continued hitting myself in my kneecaps with the crowbar as my God given right.

So, obviously that's a joke. Because a genie would never say that he loved your work. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew legal question that went in front of the court said, it cannot be possible that destroying the planet is legal. And for a professor of law, that is charmingly naive. All the things we've unexpectedly discovered are either legal or not completely illegal. I mean, that's, it shouldn't be surprised by that. Should you was not? No, I mean, that is, I mean, that is naive beyond belief.

It's not only legal, it's absolutely legendary. I mean, I'll let anyone into Cambridge these days. It used to be for the white boys with rich parents, but these days, you know, anyone can get a degree. I mean, this is why we have a legal system, right? If we didn't have a legal system, we'd all just be speeder around wearing stolen clothes. Like, this is, and clearly, we cannot be trusted to regulate ourselves. Every time they have any sort of resolution, they're like, try and stick to it, nobody sticks to it, and everybody moves on to their life. All right, well, maybe we can just

lower our expectations collectively. That's the shopping trolley theory, isn't it? Where if you, that the shopping trolley is that if you leave a, that it's an example of if humans were left to look after themselves and to follow common sense and civility and thinking about others, they still leave shopping trolleys all over the f***ing car park. They did other people's cars, they drive off, they don't leave a note. That's who we are. And Tony Aguthera is the big cheese at the UN these days. He said last week, the climate time bomb is ticking, but it's not a time bomb. Yeah, it's already blown up.

Well, exactly. It's some kind of radioactive warhead that is not only ticking, but already leaching deadly substances and occasionally partially exploding. So I think he's underplayed it, over. He also said humanity is on thin ice and that ice is melting fast. But yeah, we've always found a way of hopping on a passing penguin and bird surfing to safety. So bird surfing, enjoy it. That's not a jump into hasty action, we might regret. In Switzerland, more than 2,000 women with an average age of 73 are taking the government to court claiming the government's policy on climate change is violating their right to life.

One of the campaigners was quoted as saying, we don't want to die just because the Swiss government has not been successful in coming up with a decent climate policy. So, we don't really want to die because of anything, yes, the Swiss government has done. I think that we just have to. If you will, just your last thoughts were going through your mind, you're blaming the Swiss government. That's just not good, is it? It's not great.

No. I mean, yeah, I'm not going to make that joke but think the Swiss government do have some things of other people that they might be angry about is all I'm saying. The color is gold, the things are teeth. What did the campaigner said? Some people say, why are you complaining? You're going to die anyway. But I mean that's true of everything. That's true of literally any complaint. Why are you complaining about the quality of the food I just served you at this restaurant? You're going to die anyway. Like, it's a sort of a total excuse.

That's how you calm a crying baby, isn't it? We're all going to die, but it's just dust in the window history. It's what our yellow audience is having bad times like this. Like, if you burnt someone's house down, and they can't even find them home from holiday, you're like, you burnt my house and I'm like, we're all gonna die anyway. Don't take me to court, but hey!

That's the thing when you're a pensioner, you've got time to take the Swiss government to court. That's what I'll be doing. I'm busy now. Once Frankie's out of the house, I'll be having a chat to the Swiss government doing some Googles. He related mortality in people over 65 in Europe in the last 20 years has increased by more

than 30%. Wow. It just seemed like something we should at least have a little look into. I mean, not only are the ice caps dying, but pensioners in Europe. Yeah, it's not just not just because of the increased quality dying, but pensioners in Europe. Yeah, it's not just not just because of the increased quality of woolly jumpers. What big woolly jumpers are getting so good, people are boiling today. Super cheap.

I blame heat tech. I blame big marino. big marino. Obviously, you know, if the world does end, England will not be affected because England is not so much a country as a concept, as a state of being a dream. But despite the hat, the government's advisors have said that England as a country is not ready for the impacts of global warming. I would flip that around and say is the environment ready for the unavoidable impacts of England. It hasn't been. But also I would say, can you truly prepare yourself for something like this? I see it in a very English way as being like penalty shootouts.

Yes, you can make plans, you can practice, you can prepare yourself for every eventuality, you can groove your technique, but you're probably still blaster over the f***ing hour. So what's the f***ing point? I'll say this as a person living in England. In terms of England not being ready for climate change. England after 13 years of Tory governments is not ready for anything. It's the last day of March. I'm here to tell you, England is not ready for anything. It's the last day of March. I'm here to tell you,

England is not ready for April. April could destroy this entire country. We have absolutely no preparations for anything after more than a decade of under-investment. Now the only way I can get this across, in the most serious terms possible, is that the report has singled out. It's talked about a lot of stuff, that climate change could, we're unprepared for in terms of our flood defenses, in terms of various different elements, but the only way I can get this across and how serious this situation is, is the report has singled out England's internet networks as being woefully underprepared for climate change, despite their crucial importance. Climate change is now threatening our ability to see pornographer. And that

might be the only way we finally convinced people. You might not be able to leave a hateful YouTube comment. If climate change is threatening the future of the bugle, what is the bugle reliant? The internet. Both for its distribution and for the ceaseless streams of bullshit in discusses. I mean, England isn't ready or the UK is not ready for weather. Let alone climate change. A single snowflake brings the entire train network to its knees in this country. Anything other than 12 and drizzle, schools are shut, roads are closed, track works happening, road works happening, I've been caught in three road works this morning and they're still patching up the snow from December. This country is f***ing... it's an island! Like you might not aware too, but you're still an island. You're going down f***! You're going under! You know?

Well, you've been a finesse at us in this country for, well, as we've discussed just over a year. And already achieved a truly British level of disdain for this country. Congratulations. You're offering in beautifully. Well, look, that is also part of being a colony. It's that you are born with a general hatred of the Empire. Well, first, actually, you're born with a love of the Empire

that you don't know that you harbor and then you read and then you go, oh, no, it's actually hatred. Yeah. I'm not exactly hatred. In other British news, also relating to, therefore mentioned, Netherlands, Amsterdam has launched a new advertising campaign to try to dissuade British people from going there. Not all British people, specifically British people aged 18 to 35, predominantly male who go for maybe not so much for the art galleries. I think it's fair to say. Please rest assured Amsterdam, because there's been a lot of complaints about the

behaviour of British people overseas in various places. What? to British people overseas in various places. What? And, but, you know, a rest assured Amsterdam, we are also inflicting these successes on ourselves in our own towns, and it's not just you, don't think you're so fucking special. You promise you British-based travel agencies are offering, for example, stag weekends in Amsterdam

that include unlimited alcohol canal boat cruises, steak and strip nights. I don't go together. Pump crawls around the red light district and a series of lectures on the history of Dutch painting from the Renaissance to Impressionism taking the world's wonderful museums in which everyone has to down a double vodka shot every time they see a self-portrait or someone in a strange hat. So, yeah, people are losing patience with the British tradition of going overseas and vomiting everywhere. I'll say this, if we could have had a time

machine, India could have used a campaign to get British men away in the 18th century. That's all I'll say. That's all I'll say. 18 to 35 year old man. But what I'll also say is this is not the first time this has happened. About a decade ago, Amsterdam's mayor invited, sorry, about a decade ago, Amsterdam's then mayor invited his London counterpart to see what British tourists were getting up to. And he said things like they don't wear a coat as they slanted through the red light district. They sing, you'll never walk alone. They're dressed as rabbits or priests and sometimes they're not dressed at all.

I'd love him to witness it. Unfortunately, his counterpart at the time was Boris Johnson who was, let's face it, thrilled to be invited to a sleazy weekend in Amsterdam. He was probably one of those people who were grabbing those trousers or pants on the red light district. You can't invite the accommodations ultimate f*** fan to a f*** fan. Ah, ah, ah, a f*** fan. Also, I mean, I do think, you know, we're trying to be more open-minded as a species, more tolerant of each other's cultures.

And yet, you know, here is... That has not reached Britain, actually. Well, here is Amsterdam failing to respect our national British culture of drinking ourselves to a comforting level of oblivion in investigating other people's homeland. This what our nation was built on. It's true. Have some f***ing respect.

Look, when Amsterdam launched the campaign that said, stay away young British men, I just thought, just sweet Amsterdam. 18 to 35 year old British men please stay away from me. Thank you so much. Especially if you're drinking, you're looking for drugs, you're looking for pussy. None of those things are here. It was in a club 1830, was kind of well known for young

British people going overseas from, you know, largely sort of drinking sex based holidays. But actually people thought it was because that was the age rains they were aiming at, actually, it was because that was the year that they were aiming. Actually, it was because that was the year that they were modelling themselves. It's a pretty special year overseas. I mean, in terms of British Bay Area overseas, taking a piss in a canal is pretty low down the list. It's a long gap to the Malmau, the way that they dealt with the Malmau's at Clive of India.

It's a big old jump down from there. So they should be lucky. They're only kissing their neck and ass. We're actually getting better and better over time. Also, I mean, let's not forget what Britain is as a nation. Young Britain, if you might be urinating in the streets and vomiting in the canals of Amsterdam, but it's British was and British Chunder, which might be magic. We are donating our magic to you, Netherlands, if you only learn to harness it.

I'll definitely invite a government delegation from the Netherlands to come to Leicester Square on a Friday or Saturday night and see that it is not only other countries we have no respect for. It's our ode. I've seen a man pissing next to a urinal, not into the urinal, next to a urinal, okay? We hate ourselves as much as we hate any of you people. Well that's because we are true egalitarians. I think that's the next wrap for the comedy's manifesto. I was actually, I've never been to Amsterdam before. I thought, oh, this would be a nice year to take a trip. And then I saw this and I was like, oh, maybe I should stay away.

And then I realized heartbreakingly, it was 18 to 35 year old men. And as a 37 year old man, I am now exempt. And if I'd gone two years ago, you couldn't have kept me out of those brothels. Oh my God, I'd have been in there like a shot. You're a f*** fan? I'm one of the great f***. I'm one of the great top 10 f*** fans of this century.

Nish Kamala. Nish Kamala. Family. Has that ever been made that awful cheap joke? I don't know. Surely in high school. Nish, come! Errrr...

I don't actually remember it being made at Secretary's School, but it does seem like a dereliction of duty of the T-Dote boy I went to school with. I mean, well, I'm glad that that's pop over to history now, and a classic moment from the bugle issue 152, the moment when the rowdy Saudi was compromised to a permanent end. And John Oliver and I delivered his f***ing eulogy. Top story this week! Ding dong is dead but a boom boom boom another bite the dust shot in the eye and you're too blame you give a man

this is not so much a tribute episode to bin Laden as a special f*** you logy to the big man. Andi, andi, I'm glad you enjoyed that. I did thoroughly enjoy it. I expect to see that in a dictionary near me when it's two years. Andi, you ended the last bugle by saying that after the Royal Wedding, the world had nothing to look forward to anymore. And while yes, Saturday in itself was quite boring, apart from Chelsea tightening the gap

on the Premiership title race, you have to admit that Sunday really delivered what with that whole killing of the most wanted terrorist on the planet thing. That's right, Asama Bin Laden, the former leader of al-Qaeda and former living inhabitants of the planet earth, was forced to surrender both of those titles around the time that a bullet developed a very strong attraction to his face. And he was a tall handsome man, bin Laden Andy, but I have to admit that I always thought that he'd have looked even better if he considered getting his left eyebrow pierced with a bullet. And I think I was right about that.

I think his face was successfully accessorised with a piece of high-speed pointy metal jewellery. That's funny old world, I wasn't it John, because last week most wanted man in the world, this week a seriously malfunctioning submarine. And fish foods. Oh yeah, it's just going to show. It's on a slender thread. So you know, it's gone from, you know, the leader of the world's most tedious minority interest pressure group. A man five times voted least cuddleable dude by touchy-feely monthly magazine. A man commonly known as the Rowdy Saudi Terry the Terrorist, the mighty douche

that Torah bore a lawryg norora and the angry turret he had his clogs forcibly popped by American special forces and I do wish that Barack Obama had used those words yeah we have absolutely popped his clogs it it certainly feels like a much more pleasant globe to live on this week without bin Laden living on it too. It's like when a terrible neighbour moves away and property prices in adjacent properties automatically go up. By dying, bin Laden has effectively gentrified this entire planet. To prove this, upon use of his death, the stop market went up and oil prices went down as if collectively everyone agreed that things had just got slightly better.

As if the world breathed a cyber-a-leaf and together muttered, oh, good, that is good. Now, I don't know where you were when you found out, Andy, I'm guessing you were asleep, but I just finished watching 60 minutes and was checking in with the Met Philly's game when it became clear that something very important was about to happen and the president was going to address the nation. After watching him announce that America had successfully located and killed Ben Laden,

I started watching the news and then I flipped through the channels a couple of hours like to see that the Met's were still playing the Philly's. It was the 14th inning and they had resumed the game and most of the crowd was still there and not only were they still there, they were watching the game and most of the crowd was still there and not only were they still there they were watching the game with complete concentration and I've got to say as a sports fan I find that so impressive remember this is a meaningless game at the start of May between one team which will challenge for the World Series and one that will not make the playoffs

to care about that at all is a challenge to care about that one is just been announced that bin Laden has been killed is incredible. The CIA's most wanted man has literally just been assassinated and you are rooting for Raoul Ivanez to get a base it. I think my favourite reaction from all this actually came from the Met manager after the game because people in sports just cannot help themselves but speaking clichés. That's never more exposed than the moment of deep genuine significance. In the post-game press conference, Terry Collins said this. He said, well, this is a good win for us and obviously a huge win for America tonight.

He should have carried on that thought. I think America really answered the critics tonight. Many have said that, you know, to go on a nine-year streak of not killing bin Laden was a slump we were never going to get out of the hole. I for one, I have nothing but faith in us as a team. And I knew if we just kept swinging, kept focus, we'd get that hit.

As for the future, who knows what that holds on? Just concentrating on a home series against the Giants next week. Thank you, no questions. I'll take that as well. Al Qaeda has had a press conference of which I say, holds them just concentrating on a home series against the Giants next week. Thank you, no questions. I think I was as well, Al Qaeda has had a press conference at which they say, well there's a lot of positives we can take away from this, obviously, we're disappointed to lose, Aussie, but we'd like to see it more as an opportunity for someone else to step up to the play and deliver. Of course, the best place to have heard the news would undoubtedly have been Tampa Florida in the middle

of the crowd of a live WWE wrestling event. How do I know this? That's a fair question, because I saw a clip on YouTube of a shirtless John Cena addressing the Tampa crowd to deliver the news at the end of about saying, I'm extremely proud after ten months of being your WWE champion. I walk out every night with hustle, loyalty and respect on my sleeve. It's worth pointing out that at that point he was sleeveless. He went on to his own.

He's not the name of his dog, tattooed onto his own. Nope, nope. The president has just announced he went on to say that we have caught and compromised to a permanent end, a sama bin Laden. Andy, that is magnificent rhetoric from the four-time tag team champion, inventor of the twisting Belly-Tibeli Suplex and still a self-styled Doctor of Thugonomics. In fact, all of those things are true. In fact, if I'm honest, I'd prefer what John Cena said to the President's speech.

Courts and compromise to a permanent end, that is linguistically sensational. In fact, that phrase is not all that the President should have borrowed. I think he should also have walked into the East Room of the White House and said, I walk out every night with hustle-loyalty respect on my sleeve. I think he should also have done that churnless in a pair of cut-off jeans holding a wide microphone before leaving to rock music and fireworks. And I think anyone would have begrudged him that. So a bum, of course, have been watching nervously in the White House on Skype, I think. It's abhorning its troops by firing an imaginary pistol at his computer screen and shouting

kippau kippau, what's the troops went in. And then announced the action to the watching world, creditably, without using words like we got him mission accomplished or back in with tagging. Which is not necessarily something he's pretty set of good have been entrusted with. It didn't even hold two fingers to his mouth and pretend to blow gunsmog away from them before re-holstering his fingers and winking at the camera which which some might have seen as an opportunity miss. Now of course you know this means some you know new paper reaction obviously quite excited some of the headlines here, this al-Krider, here's one with a fake

that fake picture of Bin Laden's headline, Al-Sama. Also this article looking at the damage to Al-Keed, accords by the attack under the headline, eight no cure for the Assama dying blues and this one here, man 54 dies. Don't really give the full story. But it deals with fact, Sandy. And not a, is that not your one from print journalism? Another tabloid one, death in his vest. A little plow, death of the West.

Cleming up in other mean, pinged out, whilst wearing a sleeveless t-shirt. Revealing an unexpected tattoo of my West leaning over a bucket of soapy water. But I guess the subtext would be America is the great Satan, but I'm guessing. So how would it be? It was a kind of personal success for a barmer, it seems to be how it's been been received, the operation, codenamed verously, operation shaved that beard, operation ****, that shit, operation reached with a spoon. Not sure how I got that name, I think

I'll have to ask General Petraeus about that one. So more details are trickling out of the story shifts from one day to the next. It does seem now that they found Bin Laden with a sock on each hand, putting on a sock puppet production of Daisy F. Dirty Dancing for his young relatives. In order to inculcate in the Malifloom hatred of Western consumerism, and when the seals came in he untangled baby and Johnny and said in his characteristic monotone drawl, did someone order a takeaway and not tell me about it? They also found in his children's playroom, Blackboards with the words George W. Bush is a premium

great wiener written over and over again. And another report suggesting that Ben Laden's last words were, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? To which I'm guessing the Navy SEAL said it's kind of both. Hahaha. Obviously, as you mentioned, newspapers around the world reacted the next day by plastering bin Laden as the lead story all over their front page. So, credit has to go as the Andy and my friend Danny Boy sent us to the daily express online who stuck with their gut Andy and they ran the Bin Laden story second. Behind the headline about Prince William and Kate Middleton for going a prenup. Wow, you, listen, you've just got to give it to the Andy.

It's as simple as that. You have to really, really care about the Royal Wedding to lead with that two days after the wedding happened. Over the fact that Bin Laden was literally just shot in the head, that is a royal wedding superfan right there. Well, maybe it was the two in Lincoln's home. I mean, it seems clear that the two are linked because on Saturday night, Prince William and Prince S.

Kate were winging about not receiving a wedding present from the White House, and then they received a card on Monday morning saying happy wedding, Harrods had sold out of dinner plates so we killed bin Laden instead for you. I wonder if that's where bin Laden's body actually is. It's like when you have a cat and it kills a bird and leaves it outside your bedroom door. It's a kind of thank you. I wonder if they work up in the next morning to see the corpse have been lardin lying in front of them., that's lovely. That's nice.

Yeah, it takes me back to the morning after my wedding. Let's not delve into that. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ There are classic clips like that five times a week on our top stories feed, do subscribe now, or else. Not sure what else else. You won't hear them. Right, let's join Alice Fraser, Josh Gondloman,

and Gabe and Malika for a recent highlight from the gargle, focused on, let me just check the script. Of course, yes, the sex lives, business now. This is the news that the humans relentlessly quest to kill off cockroaches with poison has changed the breeding process of the cockroaches themselves. Gabe, you look like you've seen a cockroach before. Can you unpack this story for us? I have. I'd love to unpack this story. The story of course involves German cockroaches, which have evolved to to live in human environments and the way they've done this is typically the way cockroaches reproduce is that the female gets on top of the male kinky and then the male has what's being described to me as a telescopic penis, which goes behind and around and has a little

hook on it. And there he offers what's being known as a nup-tool gift, which I listened to the article. I didn't just read it, so I knew how to pronounce nup-tool. And normally that sweet chemical slurry has glucose in it, which means it's sweet, but for years we've started to use a sweet-like substance to track and kill these cockroaches, but now they've evolved and they've made their nukchul gift less sweet, so now that there are some females who just like aren't into the sweet stuff anymore and it's made the male cockroaches not be able to mate with them, they're just like not interested. However, that becomes a problem

because the milk cockroach have now evolved. They've they've eaten some pineapple. They've changed the they've changed the consistency of their nupchal gift and now they're back to getting getting jiggy with it and they just keep popping up because they know how to change the secret sauce. This is shocking news to you. I went to a friends wedding over the weekend and my nupchial gift to them was a cutting board. So, humans and cockroaches are much different.

Cockroach sex is so intense, right? The males hook the females to their body to to procreate, which sounds problematic certainly. And they do that because it takes 90 minutes for the male to release sperm into the female. And it's like, Braggmuch cockroaches, okay, sting. That's kind of okay. Endurance game. and It's really wild that we use the same the same glucose right that that was this nubial gift in the traps and Technically the science word. I just want to add this context is we stop the roaches from having sex the cockroaches from having sex We roach block them and they're I've thought of all the ways to say that. And that's the best one. I want to say just as a point of ethics that the males have changed, they changed their recipe, right? As Gabe said. And that they've also figured out how to hook

themselves to the females even faster, which scientists who have been asked about this, these developments say they're like kind of thrilling evolutionary adaptations, but it's just letting them commit sex crimes more efficiently. It's like if kidnappers started buying like king-sized candy bars and driving Lamborghini's instead of goofy white vans. I was curious if there's like in the cockroach community, if the female cockroaches who don't like glucose, like have a reputation, you know,

like the gluten free people, it's like, oh, you can't take them anywhere, she's glucose averse, you know, like I wonder if they talk, they talk shit about each other. Or if they like, that's, they when they, when they, when someone loves the glucose.

If they're like, oh yeah. She's old school. Yeah, they love the, yeah, like, she loves the glucose if you know what I'm talking about. That's my German accent. And it's like, hey, you stop roach shaming, okay. Yeah, it turns out that cockroaches have adapted so quickly to humans willingness to interfere with their sex life. I don't know why we've been so

willing to interfere with their sex life. We've been putting the cop into copulatory and the nup into nup tools and the cockroach. I just think that we are setting ourselves up for them to invent a new way of having sex that is way worse for us. Inevitably it's going to start being something that we like the smell of. You know, like it's going to be something that just turns us on and then we're going to be part of the whole cockroach mating process. We're going down a bad pathway is what I think. It's true.

An NPR included videos of both of these, the female cockroach accepting the nupchool gift and the female cockroach rejecting the nupchool gift and I'm not going to lie. They look the same to me. More of that in the gargle feed. Now let's join Tiff Stevenson for a recent highlight from Catholicist the Bugle Stables interview show which allows guests to scream into the abyss about all this shit. The next section of the podcast is called Topical Cream and that's where we apply some balm to a stinging new story that's got you all head up. It doesn't have to be this week, it could be in the last six months, just something in the zeitgeist.

I'm sure you've got something that you're angry about, So what's getting undisclosed? You won. What you want is all shit. Yep. You know, I mean, it's got, I mean, it's just the fact that we've had three prime ministers in eight weeks. That got my do you know what I mean? From Johnson to Truss to sooner. It was just like, well, it's just bananas. This is circus town. Like jury service, right? Everyone gets to it was just like, well, well, it's just bananas. This is Circus Town. Like jury service, right? Everyone gets to go.

Oh, wouldn't it be brilliant if that was true? Everyone's got to go. Is it another Etonian? Oh, how did that happen? So the whole thing, I think, and I think what gets me most, I mean, is the fact that the Tories just want to use racism and, you know,

stoke the fires of race guys. It's Pakistani rape gangs. It's like, how many minute? AE4% of grooming gangs in the UK are white. This is from a home office report, their own report. So when you say we will stop Pakistani rape gangs, Pakistani grooming gangs, you know, there's several things that you're doing. Why is you're just stoking up the fires of racism and just going, it's them what are doing it,

they come over here taking out women. That's what this is. But actually what you're doing as well is you're ignoring the 84% of the young girls and young women who have been abused and you're leaving them aside for some cheap political point. How about we tackle all the grooming? Yeah exactly. That's the you know, how about the police aren't just like why don't we do that just for starters. The police's job is the metropolitan police especially, their job is to basically uphold the law. That's what it is to enforce the law. And so actually they could stay inside and do nothing

and the legal situation would have improved. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So it's like that gets, those are the things that really get me politically. Trump getting arrested is just funny. But then you get people going, oh no, but it's going to turn him into a martyr

Yeah, but you know if you have a rule of law, you have a rule of law You know that's how it works So the rotation of prime ministers, I think is a Last time I saw you I said this I think I mentioned the fact on stage that since 1979 We have only ever had one elected British Prime Minister be thrown out of office by the general public, and that was John Major, right? Right. Choosing a Prime Minister and choosing a government is important, then being able to get rid

of them is equally important. So actually what they're saying is we know better. Yes, yeah. And what's interesting about that is that I think Boris will be beginning his comeback tour to office that we're going to be on a rinsome repeat, you know, we've got sort of Trump pitching for 2024 and we've got Boris who is going to be slowly attempting to get back in. Yeah, I mean I don't think it's going to be so slowly. I mean, I think the thing about Johnson is he isn't, he is a sociopath and I think he's

got just enough knowledge to know that he is. Yes. Right. And when he was in that committee meeting over the privileges thing, which was fantastic just to see his lawyer's reaction behind him where they just set their just going, oh, fuck. You know, but what was interesting was they asked him a question and he just said, you could hear, you could almost hear the voices inside of him, shut up, be nice, try and be

bloody nice, don't kill them. You know, well, don't show them who you really are. Yes. Which is incredibly entitled and narcissistic that go all the way back to his school reports where they were like, he doesn't seem to like to be told that he's got something wrong. Yeah. Or that he hasn't completed a task and he seems to be affronted that anyone would meet him with criticism.

Yeah. And I think that's the most kind of damning thing I've seen about Johnson, that that, and it might have been led by Donkeys, put out a video that takes him all the way through Billingdon. But it was, it's a school report where he says, when he's criticised, he's affronted by a, how dare you, you know, I'm going to be King of the World. So you don't get to criticise me. My friend, Martin Rosen, who's the cartoonist, he was cartoonist for the spectator.

At one point he used to do the cover for the spectator. And when you tell me this story, you said, Johnson used to be editor of the spectator. And he wanted to do the cartoon, but to get it right, you need to know what he's going to lead on, you need to know what's going to come up as the headlines, so you can put all the bits in the right space and get the cartoon to actually fit the space it needs to fit. And Johnson still wasn't making his mind up.

I'm going undecided, undecided. I'm like, he was running out of time to be able to do this. Literally the deadline was just moving in front of him. A mind had enough and phoned up Johnson. And he said, right, have you made your mind up? He's like, oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,

ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah PG Woodhouse shit, as you called it, has served me very well thus far. Wow. An acknowledgement of it. Yeah. And it's all an act.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. BELL RINGS Thank you for listening, Bueglers. We will be back next week with issue 4,259 of the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world. Until then, goodbye. you