The Bugle - Daddy Daddy, Please Don't Leave

Episode Date: January 19, 2021

Andy is with Alice and Josh for the last ever Bugle of the Trump presidency!Buy a loved one Bugle Merch (or some for yourself, it's allowed).We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can still hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserJosh GondelmanAnd produced by Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bughlers and welcome to issue 4,180 of the Bughal, the last Bughal of the Trump presidency. I've missed that word there. The last Bughal of the first Trump presidency. Only Jack and Cosby the time some of you listen to this, all 50 states will have admitted

they were in on the steel and our great leader will be announced as Emperor of all the Americas, Guardian of Universal Justice, Bracket Solar System and Sultan-Elect of Swing. Er, maybe not. I'm Andy Zoltzman or Am I? Yes I am, can we retract that last one? Thank you. I'm here in London just 25,000 or so miles away from London if you leave my house turn left and travel around the world in a straight line until you get back. Significantly less than half the distance away from me than I am from myself then from Sydney, Australia. Please welcome Alice Fraser. Hello Andy. Now I don't know than I am from myself then from Sydney, Australia. Please welcome Alice Fraser.

Hello Andy. Now I don't know where I am. I... Well, surely that's good. Alice, in this time of lockdown, anything that makes you not know exactly where you are and where you have been for the last X months, you should be welcome each and you. Yes. Well Andy, I can be wherever I want to be now because I've bought a she-wee. Oh congratulations! Yeah, I was on a road trip recently. I went to a service station and they did not have a toilet thus breaking the essential social contract that there should be a toilet of a service station. You buy a buyer of chocolate and you're allowed to do a wee.

And in my outrage, I ordered a she-wee on Amazon. I have not used it yet, but I feel so free. Yeah, but every time you use it, you will be urinating into Jeff Bezos' pockets. So, yeah, it's not up to me whether that gives you satisfaction or not, that's entirely each of their own. Also joining us from the parallel universe that is the United States of America in New York City to be precise, to give us the final verdict on the four-year experiments with putting a wind-up toy idiot in the White House and saying what happens, it's Josh Gondelman. Hello, thank you for having me. The thing about sciences, it's not about getting good results, it's just about what the results are.

So when you put it that way, the Trump presidency sure had results. Absolutely. We're all very much the wiser for it, apart from those who choose to be considerably less wise for it. So what, I mean, it's just, as we record a couple of days, we'll touch on a distinction greater detail later. A couple of days until the inauguration, or I think I'm not sure it's right to call it in Joe Biden's inauguration,

it's very much Donald Trump's de-auguration. It's kind of an outnaguration. Yeah, an inauguration. I've heard some people saying they're looking forward to it, like they look forward to Christmas, but it's more looking forward to Christmas, if your Christmas present was to have a 10 cubic meter pile of shit removed from outside your house.

Which I think if you had a 10 cubic meter pile of shit outside your house, that would be a terrific Christmas present. So let's not overlook that. I feel excited about it as a Jewish person, how I feel excited about it as a as a Jewish person. I feel excited about Christmas. It's just nice to see other people excited. And I just feel kind of like I'm gonna order some Chinese food and hope people don't pay too much attention to me. You know, Josh, if you'd like to see other people excited, there are swingas nights with that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm reporting to you live this week from the BBC's Test Match Special Cricket Commentary Box. Well, I mean, to be precise, from my shed. Now, I've had an odd week in that I've been getting up at 3.30 every morning to be part of the BBC's cricket coverage. Now,

as a child, I used to lie in bed at night in the winter listening to cricket commentary from overseas. And I would dream of being part of the test match special coverage of an overseas test match one day, what I did not imagine was that it would involve watching a test match wearing a bobble hat to keep warm because it was three degrees and pissing with rain in the pitch blackness of the night at 3.45 am on a bitter winter morning while sitting alone in a shed. The latest bastard love child of Mr. Covid and Mrs. Internet was a cricket commentary team in five different places in England. And my journey to work at the test match in the magical city of Gaul, Sri Lanka, where the cricket

ground sits beneath an old historic fort by the sea and the temperature hovers around the 30 degree mark involved switching on the outside lights, putting on my slippers and walking ten yards across my garden to an emergency commentary box in my shed. And I mean it was, it was great fun as things that involved getting up at 3.30 in the morning go. It was a huge amount of fun. And what I discovered, this is a key piece of scientific research to add to the scientific research we've already had this episode. And I say that to someone who's skill constructed an entire, well, portfolio of overlapping pseudo career solely for the purpose of never having to get up early in the morning, is that getting up at 3.30 in the morning is a f*** of lot easier when cricket is involved. And you should all try it. Apologies to any coffee traders whose business plans I'm here by destroying,

but cricket is the one true caffeine. Amen. We are recording on the 18th of January or T-2 or TTTTTTTT-2, standing for Tudaloo to trump the tantrum throwing toss pop. It's 18th of January, which of course is Blue Monday this year, which has been scientifically proved at the third Monday in January to be the most miserable day of the year, unless you are a massive pessimist in which case it's a lovely day that proves that everything you believe is entirely correct. Also, the 18th of January's World for the Soros Day, also known as Global Lexican Seventh of a Week, Wednesday, as well as being in Orguration Day, is International Day of Acceptance, and I'm not sure absolutely everyone in the USA is going to be observing that.

And it's also International Penguin Awareness Day, so do try to spend at least some of the inauguration at bugleers thinking to yourself, if America had been led by a penguin for the last four years, a, how different would things be now, and b, yes, we would be looking at a re-enorguration for President B. K. Flipper Wing. And also try to think on Wednesday about all the times that penguins have saved humanity by distracting aliens who landed in Antarctica and thought, what the f**k is this place? Do we really want to waste our time with a planet where the birds have let themselves go to the extent that I can't f***ing fly anymore? So thank you to all the penguins involved. As always, before we start, a section of the bugle is going straight and the bin. This week

it's the start of our new What Is Humanity's greatest invention knockout competition. Here at the Beaver we've chosen 19,683 things invented by humans and we will go through them three a week to find a single best invention of all time. Will sliced bread retain its title, bearing in mind it one more title before the invention of the internal combustion engine, the internet, the macarena and all items of bugle merchandise, so it might not be quite so easy this time for the long time champion. And to kick us off, the first of our first round matches, it's the shoelace versus Marmalade versus the harmonica. And what a clash this promises to be, the shoelace's superb contribution to the practicality of footwear, which has helped our species overcome,

our lack of pedal grip, talons, hooves, claws, and other accoutraments beloved of so many other species. Will the shoelace see off the challenge of, well, Marmelade, one of breakfasts most enduringly popular spreads and methods of preserving citrus. And can they both see off the brilliant, little portable musical instrument, the harmonica, that has lived quite literally a hand-to-mouth existence throughout its time as a key contributor to blues, folk, and other musical genres, and which has decisively outlasted other pocket-sized instruments such as the micro-Trombone, the nano-timperney, and the mini-chello, which I believe is still used by some athletics coaches.

Any predictions for that one? What would you go for? Shulace, Marmalade, or Harmonica? What's the best of those three? I'm going to take a strong stand for Shulace. Right. I feel like it's the one thing that is the least replaceable of those three, right? You've got a marmalade, you can switch it out for a jam, a jelly, a preserve. You got a harmonica, just play the guitar louder, but when you need a shoelace, nothing else but a shoelace will do. I should disclose, according to the FCC, I must say, I am sponsored by shoelaces.

Just personally. Alex, have you got a, have you got a, have you got a, a, a favor for that one? I'm going to go with the harmonica, as the one of those three that you can truly enjoy in prison. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the way they leave the harmonica. So that's the first round. Let me quickly explain how this competition is going to work. Obviously with 19,683 inventions, there is going to be 6,561 first-round clashes. The winner of each goes through to the second round whilst the runners up going to repushage against two other runners up. And the winner of each of those 2,187 contests joins the first round winners in a group stage in which four inventions meet in a round robin with 2,187 groups.

Then the 918 lowest rank qualifiers play off against each other, leaving 1,728 inventions who then proceed to a direct knockout. After five rounds of this, only the 54 best inventions of all time will be left, which will then be split into nine categorised conferences of six inventions each. The winners of each of these nine conferences then proceed into four groups of three to be made up with the wild card playoff winners from three three invention contests involving the conference runners up. The inventions in the four groups of three then play against each other. I know it's not ideal. The winners of these groups then go into a final four-invention round, Robin, from which the top-place team goes straight into the final against the winner of a playoff of the second and third-place inventions. And Da-da! We have a winner.

Anyway, that section is in the bid. Top story this week. In orculation time, it's happening. It is finally happening after all the nonexistent doubt about the result. All the absolutely pointless court cases that could have changed things so dramatically were, not for the fact that they were the groundless thrashings of a petulant lunatic. After all the fears that the Mexicans and Canadians would invade at this moment of American weakness and install Wayne Gretzkin, Salmahayak in an interim dream team duel regency, it is happening.

The inauguration of Joe Biden as the 46th and absolutely definitively not the most appalling president yet of the USA is happening on Wednesday. Josh is our inauguration of new president's correspondent. What are you most looking forward to in this one? I feel kind of, I'm looking forward to it in the same way I felt when I, when I saw that George Clooney took was gonna take over playing Batman from Val Kilmer, just a deep abiding relief that the other guy was done. That's me.

That's what I'm looking forward to. Tight that camera. Yeah, he said it too good for too long. Look, I'm a little nervous about the inauguration overall, considering what happened two weeks ago, right when the capital was stormed by people who liked the president they had at the time. That's a very rare kind of occupation. They were like children clinging to Trump's legs saying, daddy, daddy, please don't leave. And he essentially responded, f*** off. I don't even like my actual kids.

I'm out of here. I mean it's it's I mean we've all had jobs haven't we just where we've had to serve out a notice period and thought oh what the heck let's have a bit of fun. I mean for most of us that involves making paperclip effigies of Jane Austen and trying to make a colleague ask it out for dinner, not bringing the entirety of our democracy to the brink of collapse. I mean, it's been, he has had a fun time since he got sacked. Oh, yeah.

He's really been, uh, been nailing it in, uh, which is ironic because that's what he doesn't think he should be able to do the balance. I mean, what are you expecting? Because it's going to be an unusual inauguration. Trump is not hanging around to watch himself being ceremonially fired. And the last time a president did not attend the inauguration of his successor was 1963. And that was John F. Kennedy.

And he had a very, very good reason for giving Lyndon special moment a bit of a miss. Certainly much better than Trump's. Instead, Trump is going to FRO and Air Force 1 to Florida, and the presidential plane has been specially tantrum-proofed for the occasion. But it's quite old, isn't it? It's always one of the fascinations of an inauguration is seeing the departing president desperately trying not to give away too much with their face about how disgusted they are by who's taking over from them. It's like if you had to go to your most recent X's wedding,

no matter how badly you broke up or who they're marrying. I mean, I think it's very appropriate that Trump is going to Florida to become the Florida man we all knew he was in his heart at all times. I just, you know, I just think, fine, let him go early, whatever, just make sure you turn his pockets out for silverware before he's out the door. He takes, like Trump takes the phrase, soar loser and then jacks it open to fill in the full derangement of a spoiled tennis brats, mashing a racket with a cartoon hammer after fumbling a match point. Except in this instance the match point is a half-cocked catapult full of koo soup.

Inpeachment 2, the inevitable sequel was launched over the last week or so. And well as Oscar Wilde himself says, to be impeached once, maybe regarded as a misfortune, to be impeached twice looks like you's a little staff for all you numbers fans. Joe Biden's an intray and obviously it's, you know, it's a, he's got a lot to do, Josh isn't he? I mean, rejoining Trees writing some strongly worded letters of apology using an artificial as a mop to cleanse the White House spiritually and retraining staff to speak in complete sentences as well as finding the TV remote control in the White House so that more than one news channel is available.

What people obsess about, 100 days, the first 100 days of a president. So what are the achievable goals you think that Joe Biden might be looking at? I mean, there's going to be, he he's gonna have two days of solid afterglow, the honeymoon period, a quick, a mini moon, as they say. And then people are gonna get mad, because it's like, you're not supposed to travel right now, Joe Biden, so they're gonna get very upset.

I do think, I'm nervous about the start we're getting off to, the band, the newicals, is reuniting to play at Joe Biden's inauguration. And when people said to push Biden left and embrace more radical ideas, I don't think they meant he should learn the fast singing part to the song, you get what you give from 1998.

So I am a little worried. I do think there's a lot of good he can do. Like, rejoining the Paris Accord for breezing the White House bathrooms. There's just achievable goals that one man can do that aren't controversial. Alice, what are you looking forward to? The initial, the first works of Joe Biden as president? Ideally, from my perspective, the first works of Joe Biden's presidency will be incredibly boring and I won't have to write jokes about them. That's my goal.

These that'll just be bureaucratic, administrative, basic stuff that governments are supposed to do. Governments are not supposed to be interesting. Andy, their job is to do the boring shit that no one else wants to do. That's why we elect them to figure know, to figure out, you know, fencing bylaws. That's the goal of politics and if a politics can get back to that stage where I can make jokes about, I don't know, celebrities or whatever, I will be very happy. And while interesting on Trump's departure from the White House,

as he leaves for the final time, there will be a little ceremony, even if he's not going to be part of the inauguration. He will chuck Teddy Roosevelt's favorite stuffed baby moose and Dwight Eisenhower's original 1959 barbead old out of Thomas Jefferson's presidential 1806 horse drawn reclining snooze carriage in a ceremonial throwing of the toys out of the pram. Be a beautiful way for him to leave. But he's planning up around about 100 pardons, presidential pardons, which I'm just, a topic we keep coming back to on the bugle,

is one of the more inexplicable facets of the American political system. And there's rooms that they've been hawked around for money, which, if that were not true, that would be the most surprising thing of the Trump president. If you've not been trying to profit from presidential paddens, then you'd start to think the whole thing was some kind of hoax. A gross oversight. You'd think his staff has been asleep at the wheel. They leave him

money on the table. He already pardoned Rod Blegliyevich, the governor who is accepting money for a gubernatorial, or excuse me, a senatorial appointment. So it's, you can tell he's like priming the pump to just take money for pardons. And honestly, this seems like, this seems like why he was president, right? Just he's like, at the end, I'm going to make millions of dollars by letting criminals be criminal. Remember kids, crime does pay. Rich criminals. Yeah. There was one story that might even be the trumpiest story to have come out of Trump's America over the past week. And that is the story of a manatee in Florida, which

was graffitied with the word Trump. It was etched into the algae on its back, the word Trump, Rudolf Giuliani, the former human, claimed a vote carved into the flesh of a water-based mammal, is equivalent to 8 million normal human votes, and it is the closest that they've yet come to some evidence of electoral wrongdoing, a manatee with the word Trump written on it. And it just seems so emblematic of the terrible suffering of America these last four years. Oh, the huge manatee. Well, Trump is demanding that the manatee be counted as a valid ballot.

And if that works, he's asked for 7 million monogrammed manatees to be delivered to the White House by Amazon Correa. By the way, seven million monogrammed manatees was the follow-up fail to the best-selling hit single 990 Khloef Belongs. I remember it well. That was quite a good going back to my... Alice, I think that is the first musical reference that one of my bugle co-hosts has used that I've actually under- Ah! Well, given the amount of Trump's outstanding debt and how rare manatees are becoming, this might be the most valuable thing with the Trump name on it.

We can't discount that. To be honest, something has felt a bit fishy about this election ever since the Super Tuesday porpoises last year. Boom. Well, I think that might be my last joke of the Trump administration, and I feel that is, you know, an infantile, unnecessary pun might be the best way to go. Britain News now, and well, another exciting week in Britain, Boris Johnson's been criticized for taking a bike ride to the Olympic Park, seven miles away from his home in Downing Street, people saying this is not kind of a lockdown example that should be that the Prime Minister

should be setting. And it's also, you know, Boris Johnson has been known sometimes to throw his darts of hypocrisy into the treble 20 of political expedience. You can't blame him. He's just taking a leaf out of Dominic Cummings' book, which is the only way he ever finishes his homework. He was just going on the ride to test his thighs. Look, when you look at Boris Johnson, you know, this guy doesn't miss a day of rigorous exercise. So, you can't think he's gonna stop bike riding anymore, then you think he's gonna take a day off of chest presses or leg extensions.

This dude is a brick house. He doesn't take days off. In other Britain news, I'm very exciting news. This is related to the glorious new British age of Brexit. We're all enjoying so much over here. News is broken that Britain is leading the world in the use of language learning apps on our mobile phones. I mean, this is huge.

Because we have a reputation for not bothering to learn other languages, but this shows You know the number of reasons why we are learning more languages than than other other countries Well, we're broadening our horizons as we're fitting a global nation We are possibly plotting our escape. We might be plotting our empire It might be just because there is nothing else to doing this God forsaken Fucking world at the moment or it might might be E because of new scientific research revealing the ineffectiveness of just saying things louder

and more slowly in English. We have suspected this science for a while, but until it's proven, people are not prepared to believe it's like climate change, but more so, and still some denying it. The EU has declared that yellow mealworms are safe for humans to eat, and we're going to miss out on this, and that's things. These high protein maggot-like insects are now approved for consumption across Europe, but

we brits, we can't enjoy this delicious, delicious worm. I mean, if we've been told this before, I don't think we'd have voted for Brexit. I mean, I want to be part of the EU to find out what they're going to do with, with mealware. I want to know what the Italians are going to make. I want to know if the, you know, this, this Spain can make the hacked off leg of a dead piggy into something soul-meltingly delicious. I want to know what they're going to do with mealworms. And imagine how tasty French mealworms will be

once they've been forced back for their entire lives and or kept in life as windowless rooms to tenderize them with delicious despair. Well, we're missing all this because of the internal party politics of a sclerotic conservative party after a procedurally questionable referendum.

And we're being denied the right, neither duty to eat magazine squibble grubs.ubs I am disgusted when will the heart break and Brexit when will it end? Well I'm slightly worried that the EU is putting the EU back into EU with this news about the approval of mealworms is safe to eating just because you can doesn't mean you should and just because you probably shouldn't doesn't mean you will it might be good for the environment but I for one will only eat yellow mealworms if they're presented in a way that I understand which is to say hidden in gelatinous nutrition blocks by a sinister committee in a creepy post-apocalyptic utopia that turns out to have dark secrets

it'll kill to keep hidden. Just because you can doesn't mean you shouldn't be the campaign slogan of the remain campaign. I think the result could have been very, very different. Look, we can eat yellow meal arms across Europe now, which I think we're overlooking that this is great news for fish. Maybe this is why the fish are happy. People leaving us alone eating meal worms. We were so desperate for a win in 2021.

They were like, okay, look, the bad news, there's a pandemic, international turmoil, the global rise of the far right, but good news everyone. Legally, we can eat bugs now, they've been approved. Where was this news when I was five years old? I was ready to eat bugs. This game too late. You know, people eat similar creatures all over the world. I think that makes sense.

They're dense in protein and low in carbon to produce. And I have to say, maybe they are the future of nutrition. But the future looks different than I thought it would. I was focused on flying cars and time travel. But what we're getting is mealworm cupcakes for your birthday. And I don't remember that episode of the Jamsons. I think Kosha, Josh? That's a great house. I think one of the should find out. Sex news now and this is a British based podcast so I'm going to pass this section over to someone from another country, Alice.

Yes Andy, in sex hacking, non-consensual not having a sex but in a sexy way news, a hacker took control of people's internet connected chastity cages and asked for a ransom, a Bitcoin ransom in order to release people's junk from these auto locked cages. Did you say internet connected? Yes, indeed, Andy. I feel like this might need a little bit of explanation in that. Yeah, I feel it does need quite a lot of explanation, actually. I mean, particularly if you are waking up from a, well, I don't know, either a 30 year

coma or a 700 year coma, then the internet connected chastity cage needs a f*** of lot of explanation. So please explain it. I took a 40 minute nap yesterday and I feel a little bit behind. Well, Andy, for some people, not having sex is the sexiest thing of all and even sexier than that is not being allowed to have sex by someone they know but in this case they were not being allowed to have sex by someone they didn't know which is not sexy but in a not not sexy way. This is sort of an extra sketch of obscure but specific kinks, a metaparaphalia

of polynon-amory. Just lock this story up and throw away the key Andy, but not in a sexy way, please, and also not in an unsexy way that someone else finds sexy in its unsexiness. This is worse than the time that I found out Hey Fever is flour as f***ing in your nose. I am so upset for this story. I mean it's, I mean we are an old species. I think you know the news of the last four to 10,000 years proves that, but I mean this is the internet connected chastity cage. I don't think I can... It means that someone doesn't even have to be there not to f*** you, Andy. Right, okay. I've had that deal quite a few times.

I'm just opening up whole new worlds of not having an audience. I think, like, Big Tech has gone too far. All of fashion. But if you want to lock my penis and engage, do it by hand, okay? Just in front! This is just, where has the comment touched on? Where's the craftsmanship? I just feel like, look, we don't need all these smart devices.

Whatever happened to a humble wicker penis cage. Or a metal chastity cage done by just some hand-soddering. This is just, when I see this news, I just think how far we've strayed from our humble roots as people. And it'll be no chastity penis cages. Again, I just mean maybe one that you've whittled yourself on the porch, like Nana did. I mean Tim Berners-Lee is turning out to be arguably the greatest sexual, uh, criminal history of human race. And, but that is a hotly contested title.

But I mean, he's, if this is what he planned all along, then he's got a lot of questions to ask. To be fair, Andy, it was a longer journey than I thought, from the internet of things, the internet of dogs, but it has got there. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. But there's only really one moment in my life when I, I mean, other than, yeah,

when I play cricket and I do engage, but there's only one other time, other than the protective arena of sport, where I've really, really wanted a cage around my gnajula, and that was when I was eight days old. I'm just going to come here and have a good night. Look, again, this, not to harsh anybody's joy or yuck anybody's young, but I will say for years of my life, I had a lot of success not having sex with a free range house. I didn't have to factory farm. I'm on an appropriate phrase to use in this final episode of the Trump Years, the free range piece.

Sexy hippos news now. Alice, obviously the hippo is renowned as one of nature's sexiest beasts and they've been busy in Colombia. Yes, Andy, this also requires a little bit of historical knowledge. If you didn't know, you are not up on your hippo history, but in the 1980s famous drug lord, Pablo Escobar, smuggled four hippos into his private country estate because that's what a lot of coke will do to you. Why not? into his private country estate because that's what a lot of Coke will do to you. But it was three males and one female and they got it on, no cock cages for the hippos and they are now roaming wild and in large numbers in the wetlands north of

Bogota. Apparently a study is forecasting that these hippos will swell without the sort of natural predators of their native homeland. They're going to become about 1,500 hippos by 2040. This is cane toads in Queensland all over again, but unlike cane toads, you can't run them over in your car. Apparently, they are trying not to kill them. There was an outrage among the population when they were talking about putting them down. They put one down and there was a terrible protest.

So they are trying to castrate them and apparently Andy, I don't know if you know this, but castrating hippos is quite harder than you would think. I can't imagine that's true. I mean, I think probably our assume is going to be logistically awkward. But I mean, why specifically that much harder than you might. Well, I mean, imagine you can imagine it is hard to castrate a hippo that doesn't want to be castrated. But they also have what scientists call specially dynamic

testes, which is to say that their balls can hide from you. Well, the scientists have tried to castrate these hippos. They found it impossible to make the females in fertile because, quote, we didn't understand the female anatomy, which is a complaint that many scientists have made. But I don't want to play into that stereotype, because I think science is hot. I'm not an expert on the logistical procedures of hippopotamic conceptualisations,

but I mean, this must be tricky for the hippos. I mean, one assumes that the male hippo may be, well, from an ego point, if you not necessarily an enthusiastic recipient of, you know, oral stimulative, incobular, falagol and delgeos, if it has these, you know, retractable bollocks. And, you know, because, you know, whilst the hippo-plonkers may be, and let us put this as considerably and unjudgmentally as we possibly can, without embarrassing our river dwelling friends, masculine pride, that their plonkers are, yep, elusive.

But said against that, the hippo mouth is fucking massive. I mean, this has got to cause some kind of psychosexual issue, surely for the boy hippos. Well, they don't like being castrated. The scientist, the researcher. The scientist, David. I've never felt close to the hippos than I do now. My heart goes out to the scientist in charge of this mission, who clearly knows nothing about

your post. If you read the article, his name is David Etch of Erie Lopez, and he has been leading the sterilization effort since 2013. They don't know how to find the lady bits. They've been trying to lure the men into pens, but when the men feel enclosed, they smash the pens, they jump out and crush the walls of the pens and run out in the forest. Not only does he say, we knew nothing about the female reproductive organs. He also said, I didn't know they could jump. I feel like someone's about to cut your balls off. You learn how to jump.

And currently he's right. So full of wisdom. Currently his rate of successful sterilization is one hippo a year. This is the one that's no idea what he's doing. successful sterilization is one hippo a year. This is the hippo's country now. I could it, not saying it anyway. Let's move on from hip-o-gastration news. Super yacht news now and Josh as the owner of several super yachts, more I believe than all other bugle co-hosts combined, you are a super yacht correspondent. And, well, it's been, I mean, COVID has forced super yacht owners to adapt.

Just to look, it has ordinary human beings. We're all in this together, super yacht owners. Yeah, that's wonderful. The other 99.9999% of people who have to continue living on land around other folks. Yeah, it's the same for all of us as what they like to say. There's they've needed to adapt because you don't there's one thing that ruins a yacht party. It's easily communicable diseases, right? Communicable diseases. Just ask anyone who's hosted a yacht or

G. It's terrible. So they're coming up with systems of how to test and isolate on super yachts. One system is by adding kind of an auxiliary vehicle that people can that can be piloted up to the side of the super yacht, and you can stay in there isolated while you wait for your test results. This is all very interesting to me, because for one thing, there's no one I want to have COVID more than the owners of super yacht.

So I am of mixed feelings about this. But honestly, if you own a super yacht or you have to be close enough to someone else where you could get coronavirus from them, that's just a regular yacht. Sorry, loser, you're not super rich. You're just a regular rich. Reckon with that.

The invention is, so the support vessel, right, where people can take their COVID tests and that's like what they're considering this new development in super yacht safety, which means rich people are so out of touch, they think they invented the idea of smaller boats. Why? They probably don't even know the word boat. They're like, what if we had a yacht but like smaller? What could we call it?

Like a yachtette? A yachtini? What is the word for this? It's a hard time for the super rich, I think, between their yacht troubles. And I read that millionaires have been forgetting their passwords and getting locked out of their Bitcoin accounts, which must be terrible news if their penises are currently locked in internet access, chastity

cages. But not having access to your millions of dollars in fake money, it's like waking up and being unable to remember a beautiful dream you just had. Honestly, I'm going to start saying, because no one can check on it, right? Like how much Bitcoin you're locked out of, I'm going to saying, because no one can check on it, right? Like, how much Bitcoin you're locked out of. I'm gonna start saying that I forgot my password and locked myself out of my Bitcoin account full of millions of dollars. And it's a shame, too, because I promised my Canadian supermodel girlfriend I was gonna buy her a Tiffany bracelet for her birthday. I'm a fan of this small side yacht because it was invented in Sydney. It's a Sydney yacht firm which has invented this side boat which they are calling a protective layer

between the shore and the vessel having forgotten the word for ocean. It's a boat made of boat. I mean it's, you know, I mean you've got an emotional support catamaran. I think things have gone a little bit too far. I mean at what point in your life do you think, oh I've just ordered a massive luxury boat, purely in order to enable me to staff my much more massive luxury boat at a time when the soul of humanity is crumbling to jelly, am I helping?

Maybe I need another luxury boat to quarantine the staff working on the staff quarantining luxury boat and then another when will the paid end? A series of smaller boats and to lay event just living in your house. Just a trail of tinier and tinier boats back to the shore. I think that's how the Russian Navy works. Well, that brings us to the end of this final bugle of the Trump regime. And if you average out all the stories that we've discussed, you have a Randy Hippopotamus with an internet linked Chastity Belt being airlifted out of the White House in an unnecessary catamaran. And I cannot think of any more appropriate way to end these last four years. Well, that does bring us to the end in all thanks to Josh and Alice. As always, any other

shows you'd like to tell us about Josh? Oh, yeah. I'm doing a show to promote voting rights because in America, not everybody gets to do that. So I'm doing an online show, information on my social media at Josh Condelman on Twitter and Instagram. And as always, make my day, my comedy game show, where there's only one guest so the contestant always wins, my podcast.

Ha ha ha. Alice. Yes, I have a special an Amazon. My Patreon, I do weekly salons every week on Tuesdays in different time zones. I have merch on my website, these little necluses that say no one's gonna die, we're all gonna die, which are less whimsically fun than when I first created them. And other than that, I think there may be a show coming up, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about it yet. Right, well let's leave that little trailer hanging in the air. With a smaller trailer to service it.

You can hear me, Anity, download me hosting BBC Radio 4's The News Quiz for the next few weeks. And we will play you out now with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them or to make a one-off or recurring contribution to the Google GoToTheBuglePodcast.com and click the Donate button. Iva Lunder is sick of corruption being hidden away from view. Why not get it out in the open, asks Iva. Instead of the shady behind the scenes deals, let's have high street outlets where you can walk in with a suitcase full of cash and walk out with a seat in the house of lords or

other non-British equivalent and planning permission for a casino. We could all see who's doing what, and we'd know where we stood. I mean, who are we trying to kid anyway? We all know it exists. This is like the underpants thing all over again. Michael Cop and Carol Johnson, despite never having met, are united in their view about buildings that take way too long to build. On hearing that the smash hits Sagrada familiar Cathedral in Barcelona is still not complete almost 100 years after the death of its celebrity architect, Anthony Gaudi, Michael announces, well this is obviously what happens when you don't set a hard deadline

for something. Bico incidents Carol was having exactly the same thought at exactly the same time. If people like Gaudi knew that work would stop on their buildings the moment they pop their clocks, she says, they'd probably get a bit of a shuff the on instead of waddling around obsessing about every single sodding gargoyle. It works with contestants on TV cookery shows, so I don't see why it can't work with cathedrals. In Vee Bowie, and I hope I've pronounced that name even slightly correctly, pitched a sci-fi movie to numerous Hollywood studios featuring extra terrestrials who turn up on Earth with a chaotic spaceship full of miscellaneous equipment, random souvenirs, accessories and assorted odds and sods.

Invy explains, it's provisionally entitled, The Para for Aliens. I'm just sick of aliens always being organised and tidy. I reckon they're probably just as hapless as we are and with an even greater tendency to hoard. Eric Escobado agrees that aliens might be disappointingly unimpressive, but is nonetheless excited by the prospect of human encounters with beings from other planets and or galaxies. Eric explains, I'm particularly interested to see what kind of sports aliens play. If they're like we see in the movies, they must have some absolutely sensational ones,

probably violent, high-paced, skillful, and tactically intricate, like a cross between rugby, cricket, American football, snooker, motorbike racing and ice hockey, but with more green slime and incredible commentary. Andrew Cheesman is worried about the Yellowstone Supervolcano erupting and causing major havoc for all humanity. I think we need to run a practice eruption states Andrew, using maybe a load of spare rocks from building sites melted down into lava, a special funnel and a controlled nuclear explosion of some sort. We need to know what we're dealing with, and when we know that, then we can deal with it.

Andrew admits that he has not entirely thought through the logic of his proposal, but adds, well, it would make a cracking TV documentary at the very least. And finally, Peter Dew could not argue with being banned from his local chess club, following 124 consecutive defeats. It wasn't that I'm pointlessly bad at chess, explains Peter, actually I'm okay, but I deliberately lose just so when my opponent says, checkmate, I can reply, actually I'm Slovakian and I find that very offensive, before storming off shouting, I told you that after your last move, and yet still you insist on denying my nationality. Peter adds, I'm not actually Slovakian and the real problem was that there were only

four other people in my chess club. Here end it, this week's lies. you