The Bugle - Everything I Do, I Do It For You (4226)

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

Andy, Nish and Alice try to understand how Vladimir Putin's mind works, why sending asylum seekers to Rwanda is a good idea, and evaluate just how much we should trust Boris Johnson.This Bugle is pretty sweary...Support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserNish KumarAnd produced by Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugglers, and welcome to Bugal Issue 4,226. A landmark in the history of human communication,

because this is the first time ever that a single audio show will contain all of the following words, albeit not necessarily in this order. Bucket, violently chundering, Prime Minister. Oh, f***, I haven't finished writing an opening joke. LAUGHTER Oh dear, this was written when I was falling asleep last night. Right, bad start back from holiday.

Those are all the words that actually, this was actually in the script, this is what was supposed to be there, was actually that all those, the point stands. I'm Andy Zoltzman freshly back from a lovely lot of video that I discovered but if you don't think about anything that's happening anywhere the world seems a much better place joining me today from no fewer than two different hemispheres of this once great planet of ours from the south in Melbourne Australia it's Alice Fraser Alice welcome to April how are you thank you you said welcome to April like it's your house do you own April well I mean it it it slightly depends when Passover is and I've missed it. I think it passed over you, but it didn't steal your first one child, so you're right.

You must have put some blood on your doorstep just for fun. How's the sudden hemisphere? It's good I am having a delightful time in Melbourne with my baby and my comedy show and almost empty rooms, which is always fun. It's nice. I like to feel possessive over empty spaces by doing comedy at them. That happens only hanging around with me. I'm not that, that, that, that, osmosis across, across the internet. Also joining us from just up the road here in South London, it's Nish Kumar, hi Nish, you've got a spectacular wave of wires on the door

in the room that you're recording in. Um, well, first of all, hello Andy, hello Alice, hello Chris, hello Bueglis. Second of all, you've got a f***ing nerve's ultimate. Slagging off my wire situation, I've forgotten to finish writing the first joke. What did I forget? Or, you know, um, yeah, basically, the room that I record in is my study. Or as it's rapidly become known, the room of all parts.

And it's just a small box that I slowly over the course of the average working day. I come in here, I make a coffee, what I'm not recording the bugle, I open my computer with all intention of working and I slowly engulf the room in me thing. I achieve nothing of any no professionally and then I go drinking. That's my life. Very much a metaphor for how humanity treats the planet as a whole.

You're satirizing the history of humanity. The whole thing is a climate change scheme. Why will people never understand that I live satirically. And where is my award for that? I would contend your title for the room of all facts because I'm currently in a one bedroom place with what seems to be like an increasing number of people who we invited to come help with the baby during the festival and we decided that it would be fun family time to be on the couch in the one bedroom place that I live in. I'm currently in the time to be on the couch in the one bedroom place that I live in. I'm currently in the bathroom recording this

on the washing machine. And there is no one that produces farts like my almost six month old baby, because developing new chambers in her downstairs. That's good that the, you one bedroom place has got a washing machine that can record audio. That's, it's a washer dryer recorder. Is your landlord Elon Musk?

Yeah. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's why all the audio is hot and wet. Um, absolutely pointless technological innovations. I, I received a, is a toaster that can speak two languages, why Elon? Elon the planet is choking to death. I received a tweet this morning from a Twitter account called Mathaversaries, which informed me that I and his ultimate host of as they describe it, the awesome bugle podcast. I am 25 million minutes old today. I mean, thank you. Well, first of all, I'm so sorry that we didn't immediately thank you, congratulations on that. Andy, happy 25 millionth minute. Yeah, I mean, to be honest, that feels like a lot of minutes and not necessarily something

that you want to be informed of 25 million minutes, that seems arguably enough. Certainly, I'm wearing those minutes on my scalp, but fairly confusing. But they tell you what, you need 10,000 hours, that's what the theory is to get outstanding at something. Now I've had 41.6 lots of 10,000 hours as a human, as I blast through the 25 million minute mark, so I'm f***ing awesome at it. Whereas your baby Alice is not even halfway to being an awesome baby. That'll take 13 and a half months to to clock up the 10,000 hours of baby Respect

He said he's 25 minutes old. He's immediately slammed a baby Guys, the guy was on holiday, but he is back at his desk. And his first agenda, slam Alice's boat. Yeah. You got to aim your comedy upwards and my baby's very powerful. We are recording on the 19th of April 2022. We are recording on the 19th of April 2022. Just two days away from the 21st of April, which you don't need to be a rocket scientist to know, is the 96th birthday of Queen Elizabeth II and also the 74th birthday of Iggy Pop. That is a Jubilee I've been selling for. Exactly. They share a birthday and of course Iggy, named off the 9th century Saxon King,

Iggthalwold of Wessex and also after the 10th century Pope Populous III. He did, of course, briefly replace Queen Elizabeth on the 5-pound note, if I remember correctly, from some TV I watched in the 90s. He shared a birthday. So to mark this, our section in the bin this week is a special quiz for you, Bugglers. Is this Queen Elizabeth the second or Iggy Pop? So question one, who was known as the Godfather of punk? Was it Queen Elizabeth II or Ignais Pop? Any guesses? I'll let you guys chip in with the... I'm afraid that's... I'm gonna have to swing at that being Ignais Popola to give him his full Christian name.

I'm sorry, all information fell out of my brain when Nish mentioned Elon Musk's bilingual toast. Well, that is correct, Nish. Well done. One point to you. Queen Elizabeth was briefly tagged as the grandmour of Grunge after after being heard to whistle a couple of lines from Navana's poly during a particularly dull

tripping of the colour in the mid-1990s Question two Which of the two birthday celebrants this week Queen Elizabeth the second wiki pop collaborated with David Bowie I know this one yep, it's definitely the queen Yeah, you're half right. Because they had that song that they sang together. Yeah. In the stadium.

Oh, yes. You're holding it in your... Yeah. Well, I think the correct answer is both. You might be missing it. That's a phenomenal under pressure joke, Alice. I really, I want you to know that. I really enjoyed that on the level at which you intended it.

Thank you. Um, actually, I mean, you're mixing it with Queen's at the Queen and David Bowie. Did I actually record a cover of, uh, ain't nothing like the real thing. I don't know if I've been going to tell you to real. And, uh, and the B side, uh, was, uh, Doris Day and Frankie Lane's sugar bush, uh, but that was sadly never released. Sugar bush also just a great way to get a Candida infection. It was also my wrestling name. And finally, was it

Queen Elizabeth II or Iggy Pop who said the words, gonna break it loose, going to keep them moving wild, going to keep a swinging baby, I'm a real wild child. Was that pop or the second? It's going to be pop because the second would have said one is a real wild child. I know that was a trick question, but I saw the clue. Well, I think this is a trick question and it was neither and it was actually print Android. And that guy, if anything, was two wilder child. Rainy, isn't he? That guy needed to be about 75, 100% less wild. and it was actually print Andrew. And that guy, if anything, was too wild a child. Rainy, that guy needed to be about 75, 100% less wild. Disgusting.

Well, I mean, it was Iggy Pop from a famous, but it would have been the Queen had she been allowed to go with her own first draft of her coronation speech in 1953. Anyway, happy birthday to both. 96 years old this week at QE2. Sorry, also, Royals don't be wild children, they hunt wild children fast. She's now just four foot three inches tall after 70 years of crown wearing, I've gradually mulched her down from her original pre-queenic height of 6'5", but still just as monarchical as ever at the age of 96, effortlessly

royal 24'7', 365' you either got it or you haven't. Rumors about the part, Nish, no doubt you've been invited as one of Britain's leading celebrities to the birthday party. Oh, I'm headlining. What's the question here? I'm going to be doing a 20-minute set. I'm going to be doing my 20-minute set from the Lord's Tavines 2019 Christmas lunch. There are rumors about what else will be happening at the party other than the Nish the, uh, uh, uh, uh, niches, uh, uh, taves, uh, reboot, um, zorbing disco, I've heard is on the cards, uh, uh, followed by a, uh,

murder mystery party, um, and that tradition of course goes back in the family to at least the 1480s when it must be said some of those parties would fraction too realistic, uh, then of course, uh, swan cabab to round off another special night. So 96, one solid hit away from the sanctuary, banknote Betsy. There we go. Also, the 21st of April, is world creativity and innovation day. And to mark this, we set you some creativity and innovation challenges, Bueglis, including right and novel, using only a slice of toast using four syllable words. That challenge. Do you think in two languages?

Can I have been bilingual? Using Elon Musk's bilingual toaster. Also, invent a vacuum cleaner that sucks up the dust formed by sloughed human skin and reforms it into actual skin to be used by surgeons to replace the skin scrapes off people's knees when they slide on their knees to celebrate something forgetting they're not professional footballers on a well-watered grass pitch and also concoct a new global system for reclassifying everyone in the world as doing just fine. Anyway, those sections are both in the bin.

Anyway, no sections are chart in the United Kingdom of the early 1990s. Yes. And some see that as an astro-fotty of similar level to some of the things that we've been seeing in recent weeks. We've been away for three weeks on the bugle on our Easter holiday to worship whatever gods we worship.

And well, I mean, history's most f***ing-quitted war has always been probably the most hotly contested title on this planet out doing even most spoon-like spoon and at least the pro-prip political leader. And right now some of the great f***ing-qu of all time, adopting their bloodstain hats to Vladimir Putin and his violent murder mayhem, have either of you spotted any ounce of reason for what is going on yet or not? It's been what's nearly two months of this war and I still can't get even a fraction of my head around why it's all happening. I mean, I think because Vladimir Putin is Vladimir Putin is the answer that you're looking

for there. But in terms of like updates and silver linings, Ukraine has launched a stamp showing some Ukrainians giving the finger to the Russian warship of Moscow, which the next day was sunk apparently by Ukrainian missile. You may be familiar with the Russian warship of Moscow from, which the next day was sunk, apparently by Ukrainian missile. You may be familiar with the Russian warship of Mosque from that viral clip of the soldiers saying, go f**k yourself Russian warship and then get blown up or not, depending on which facts you like to believe and which then immediately became merch and an NFT because nothing is sacred anymore unless we can immediately strip it of context and turn it into a meme.

can immediately strip it of context and turn it into a meme. The only possible reason I can work out for what has happened in the last couple of months is that this is an idea sometimes with cosmetic surgery where Botox drifts and as far as I can tell Vladimir Putin's Botox has drifted into his brain and he is now being controlled by a beef disease. Because they put Botox itself a distant guzzard of botulism which you get from eating bad meat. And the bad meat is now in Vladimir Putin's brain. And let's be clear, Vladimir Putin's brain was already fucking crazy.

Like the last thing that that Vladimir Putin's brain needed was like raw beef being slathered all over it. But I think the toxic combination of an already despotic war monger with a meat illness has conspired to create history's most stupid, pointless and destructive war. This war is being run by beef mania.

My favorite bit of beef mania of the last few days was Vladimir Putin saying that the sanctions imposed by various western countries against Russia have failed and saying that the West expected to have a good impact, but actually the strategy of the economic blitz has failed leading instead to quote the deterioration of the economy in the West. So blaming the deterioration of the economy of the West on Russian sanctions rather than I don't know, global pandemic and supply chain issues is the biggest completion of causation and correlations. Since I saw my cousin's kid swear just before the electricity went out

and decided that he had the power to f*** off the life. So, we're f***ing muted. We can tank our own economies. We can just do that of our own accord. We don't need your sanctions to tank our economies. We'll do that with pointlessly de-self-destructive financial products. I mean, the only possible reason I've seen is that,

there's been a lot of speculation about Putin's health, is that, as we've discussed on the bugle over many years, he is a massive f***** and he's clearly a massive f***ing who doesn't want to die before working out exactly how much of a massive f***ing he can be. He's like an athlete striving for the absolute best before they retire. His absolute best is the absolute worst of what humanity can achieve. It's just a nice piece of, a nice little piece of analysis.

There's no joke here, it's just that they made the point that Vladimir Putin likes breaking taboos. He likes being a naughty boy in that kind of, by naughty you mean like horrendously vile. You know, poisoning his opponents, he likes breaking taboos, which is their argument that he'll probably use a tactical nuke, lol. Can I just make something a joke by saying lol at the end? I'm just like, I never tell the difference between something that's funny because it's true

and something that's desperately not funny because it's true. It's a fine line. It's a fine line. It's a fine line. it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line.

Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line.

Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. Yeah, it's a point line. The only sort of good news story. And also I guess it's also in some ways it's own very depressing version of Europe doing the absolute bare minimum.

Is that the folk rap band, the Kalash Orchestra, are the favourites to win next month's Eurovision Song Contest. Now to contextualize this for any non-European buglers who haven't watched that Will Ferrell movie, the Eurovision Song Contest is an annual song competition where Europe gets together and each individual country sends its worst most stupid song for a joke to an enormous event that happens in a conference centre. And then there is a decision made on which of the worst stupid song sent by each individual country is the least worst and stupid. But somehow the voting process also is completely contingent on the geopolitical histories of the relative countries because

each country gets to award points and so they tend to award points based on the German. So it's somehow a sort of a fraught combination of the entire toxic history of Europe's continent and some of the worst music ever performed by human beings. But the Ukrainian entry this year, the Kalashokistra who were a rap band who take their name from the foothills of the Carpathian Mountains and who's a frontman Olai Siouk, I'm definitely not going to pronounce this correctly, but Olai Siouk has a rap

interest that started with his childhood love of Eminem, are now the favourites to win. And now for one moment we all have a reason to watch the f***ing Univision Song Contest because in terms of the bare minimum, in the UK, we will not simplify the procedure for you created refugees to come to this country, we will continue to make it opaque and complicated, but we will give them points in a stupid contest. What more can we do, Nick? What more can we do, apart from anything else? What more could we do apart from anything else? What more could we do?

In other news now, Britain is going to catapult asylum seekers to Africa. Essentially, I mean, I think it might not involve an actual catapult, but it definitely involves a metaphorical catapult. A scheme has been announced. Scheme plot, I'm not got that. Yes, scheme is a theory. Yeah, someone's taking a shit on a piece of paper. That's a word for that. What's the Latin word for that? It's also a policy, I believe. We will be blasting asylum seekers to Rwanda of all places in what the government

describes as an attempt to crack down on people traffickers, tough on people trafficking, tough on the victims of people trafficking. Now obviously the whole issue of global migration and asylum is complicated and dealing with the underlying issues is a bit tricky. I mean, the obvious solution is to end all war inequality, hunger, suffering, prejudice, and persecution, plus fixed climate change, outstalled despots, and make life in general better everywhere. But that's not really a vote winner. So instead, we have decided to fly our asylum seekers to Africa, to a low-grade hotel in one of the world's poorest countries. Now, obviously, Britain is one of the world's wealthier nations. It has always been, oh God, given the right, to use Africa and whatever the other continents are these days.

In whatever way we need to, it was a source of food, a source labour, sort of museum trinkets and soft furnishings, a source of things to shoot, ideally with four legs or wings, but history shows, we've not always been too fast about that. And now we're, we need to use it as a not very convenient, procedurally problematic, ethically humiliating, environmentally twattish and economically nonsensical pseudo solution to a problem that we can't be asked to solve ourselves. At Nish, as our resident pretty Patelka responded, how have you enjoyed our home secretary's latest contribution to the slow death of human hope? Chris, get the bleep button ready, my boy.

Get the f***ing bleep button ready, because this s*** is about to go off. This is actually a plan that the Kosovo party has trialed repeatedly. And at a certain point, the sections of the British commentary at and certain journalists and opinion and editorial writers need to give up on the idea of saying this is fundamentally un-British.

Because ultimately, what could be more British than a plan that is inherently racist and involves the exploitation of a country in Africa? This is, I'm afraid to say, this is as British as the Beatles and Flavillous Food. One of the most influential British rap artists in the world is you're looking for them. Straight out of Richmond. And if I know anything about the list of the ship of this podcast, we will be seeing mocked up album covers all through the next week. So any adult will come to the UK without author authorization by a trade ball or play could be considered

from relocation to Rwanda. Once there, the veracity of their asylum claims will be settled. It's a plan that is so barbaric this weekend, the Archbishop of Canterbury is one of the most important clerics in the Church of England has openly criticized it and has used this sentence. Subcontracting out our responsibilities even to a country that seeks to do well like Rwanda

is the opposite of the nature of God who himself took responsibility for our failures. Opposite of the nature of God is first all, a review of my 2013 Edinburgh show. It's pretty stark rhetoric to come from a Christian, especially on Easter weekend. It does also, yeah, Easter weekend when he basically stood by and watched his son be executed. I mean, I suggest that the archvierism was not read all of the Bible, because God himself had some slightly, well, I think harsh policies that I mean, I'll be honest, if the Conservative government had the logistical capability to unleash 10 consecutive plagues on people attempting to come to bed, I think they would do that. The Conservative Party at this point serves no other purpose other than to deliver, it is

the most effective delivery system in the world for tax cuts and racism. It's no longer a political party, that's what it functions to do, it functions to save millionaires and billionaires money and to execute racism. And, you know, a few years ago, my friend, the great American comedian Mike Pobiglia, asked me because I had alluded to their big differences between British and American racism. What I felt those differences were, and what I would summarize is, I would say this, the differences between British and American racism are the same as the differences between the British and American versions of the office. American racism has a cast of hundreds of thousands.

It seems to be vast and all-encompassing. British racism is much more subtle. It's in the pocket. It's all in the gestures. They might not say all of the words, but they're heavily hinted at. And crucially, when it comes to racism, as with the office, we invented both of them. So go fuck yourself. Both the steves be they,

Carell or Banan. But the scheme is currently projected to cost a hundred, the initial cost is projected to be a hundred and twenty million pounds. That's a figure that could rise into the billions if it runs and runs and runs. Now obviously that is particularly spicy given the events of the last couple of weeks in Britain where the government has essentially told the population that there isn't money to help them with their rising costs of living in terms of the cost of food

and the cost of their energy. And what have we learned from British history? There is always money for racism. Whatever is going on, if you want someone to help pay your heating bills at this point, just start screaming racial epithets out of the window and you'll receive it in the form of a bursary to protect your free speech. As an Australian, can I just say, I feel like I'm an I am the expert on the export of expats aka the OG of treating refugees badly. We have here just so you know what it was about to come down your pipeline. We have what we call trampoline rugby ball policy which is anyone who tries to land in Australia is flung off at great force at a random angle and we pay

millions of dollars to make your life as miserable as possible. Less people think we are a nice place to live, which by the way we also constantly advertise that we are. Well, I may repeat my own joke. Australian rules immigration, very much like Australian rules football, in that it's needlessly violent and aggressive despite there being a colossal amount of space and remains battling to most outsiders. I don't mind you repeating that though. I would rather you didn't have to repeat that joke, not for comedic reasons, but for reasons of basic human morality.

Well it's difficult to holistically criticize this policy without saying mean things about Rwanda, a nation full of kind, lovely people. It also happens to be one of the poorest places in the world. So I am going to stick with the strategy that garnered me death threats when I made the same point about Australia's policy in Parvanyu Guinea, which is to read the government travel advisory

for tourists to Rwanda. It says, exercise a high degree of caution in Rwanda, overall due to the threat of violence and crime. Medical facilities are very illimited. If you're ill or injured, you may need medical evacuation to Kenya. Check that your travel insurance covers this. Malaria occurs across the country, considering taking anti-malarial medication, foodborne, waterborneborne and other infectious diseases,

including meningitis, million-inchococcal disease, tuberculosis and rabies, drink only boiled or bottled water, avoid raw or undercooked food. Don't go near the borders, especially within 10 kilometers, the security situation is volatile. There is a risk of rebel attack in the volcano's national park, only visit the park as part of an organized tour group, grenade attacks and other violent incidents occur from time to time. Tuggets include genocide memorials, markets and transport hubs, be alert to possible threats.

The rainy seasons are from February to May. Flooding and mudslides can make the roads unstable. Petty crime is quite rare. LAUGHTER Such kind of croyed in plus, essentially. Now that was my route, man. LAUGHTER If you're wondering, how did members of the Conservative Party react to one of the country's top Christians

criticizing their plan as odd godly? You'd be corrected thinking, they went hard on the Archbishop. They went hard. Tom Hunt, a conservative MP, said that the leaders of the Church of England should be wary about clumsily intervening into complex political issues. To do so on Easter Sunday feels very wrong. Man, these guys were Christians planning

to the Archbishop of Canterbury. John Redwood said, I thought the Easter message was love concos, or John Redwood is a conservative MP and also, like for most of my adult life, has been a career c*****, said it. I thought the Easter message was love concos all. We should forgive and reconcile. Could the Archbishop help do that? Is it a sharpening political division. You're trying to fucking catapult refugees to a different country for no fucking reason, you stupid, dumb Redwood. Even at this point, I hope the gates of Hades

catapult you out of a fucking cannon into the sun, you stupid. I, for John Redwood, I hope nothing, but a lifetime of constipation. I'll be fucking dies on the toilet like fucking Elvis Presley. Absolutely piece of s***. E.E.L.

The message of love conquers all that, that's not the message of Easter. The message of Easter is if you torture someone to death, they might come back and get ya. Yeah. Yeah. The message of Easter is be very wary of mystery and brown men. At Energy Minister Greg Hans,

the critics of this plan need to show what their solution would be. Now that is not a justification for doing something. If a government launched the policy of filling all school classrooms with vinegar whilst the children were in them, it should be enough in the first place to say, we shouldn't do that. That's enough in the first place. I mean amongst the solutions that you might suggest would be not cutting the international aid budget by £4

billion a year and not supporting enabling and modelling, cuddling desperats and tyrants that contribute to this vast, intractable international problem. Jacob Riesmog describes it as an Easter story of redemption for Rwanda. Now he is a self-proclaimed Christian, although the evidence doesn't entirely back that up, but he did tweet over the Easter weekend. Christ is risen, Alleluia. He is risen indeed, Alleluia, Alleluia. Possibly a Christian Alleluia Alleluia, possibly a Christian message, possibly him breaking the news that his son has woken up and got out of bed for breakfast to his three daughters Alleluia Alleluia and Alleluia. But he's not far away from justifying the Rwanda policy on the grounds that, well, we took

a lot of people out of Africa over the years that everyone complained about, now we're merely starting the process of putting some back. It is an incredible, it is an extraordinary move to publicly celebrate a policy that discriminates against refugees as a Christian, an entire religious belief system that begins with the story of people refusing to house a refugee. Like, you are on the side of the Romans and the in keepers. You twer- I am a f***ing Hindu and even I f***ing know that the basic dead, it's a Christianity art where possible try to be nice to refugees. It's f***ing Christ. You're on the side of the crucifix, you f***ing s**t.

Yes, if Jesus Christ were, sorry, Jesus F Christ, what to make is long overdue, Elvis style comeback and meets Jacob Reesmog. I think we can safely predict it will be a fairly short meeting that would almost certainly involve the words, read my f***ing bookmate from one of the participants. And from the other, can I call you Boris? No, how about Margaret? Please let me call you Margaret. Yeah, yeah, if I make quite for the great man himself, it is easier for a couple to pass through the Ivonee,

not the rich man to pass through the gates of heaven. Also, Jacob Reese Margaret's a f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing Moving on, Alice has to go shortly to do her show at the Melbourne Festival, which continues until what date, Alice? Until this Sunday, this coming Sunday. So do go then, or bugle then. And then I'll be in Sydney, and then I'll be in Perth, and then I'll be in London, and then I'll be in London, and then I'll be in Edinburgh. Consider all those gigs plugged in a very non-date specific way. God, what a podcast, what a phenomenal.

This podcast has nothing but deep respect for traditions, and unfortunately one of the traditions is refusing to specifically plug any of the work of anyone if I'm... I got a really passive aggressive email from somebody saying, if you want people to come to your shows, maybe you should put your links up on your website. Elon Musk news now and Elon Musk the obviously fictitious tectraprof is set to buy Twitter the social media messaging and vitriol exchange. Apparently, it could be set to turn Twitter into an intergalactic sonnet farm, but no, I'm quite known what

he intends for. Alice, you've trapped the life and times of Elon Musk from birth onwards. Just brings up to date with his latest contribution to human... human... I don't know what the word. I think he's almost defies language now. Yes. Yeah. Since he first sprung fully formed from a hot pit of seething fury that is the entrepreneurial class, Twitter, the forum for the chattering classes and the chittering masses is now the subject of a feeding frenzy after Elon Musk first bought up 9% of its shares and then made an offer to buy the whole company, inspiring a whole bunch of public discussion and debate,

and also subsequently a whole bunch of other companies and organizations suddenly being struck with the idea that they too would like to buy some of that publicity by offering also to buy Twitter also. You cannot say Elon Musk isn't a thought leader. Mainly because. You cannot say Elon Musk isn't a thought leader. Mainly because if you do say Elon Musk isn't a thought leader, you'll get a bunch of musk lovers swarming you, jaws are gait, ropes of hot saliva, garlanding their steaming jaws in their haste to explain that actually he isn't thought leader and he's the only billionaire

who's actually doing good ground breaking stuff and striding forward with his mighty fuse into the visionary future, and randomly grasping the spear of human potential and driving it towards the stars like a penis, while also manic pixie cyberpunk dream objecting to paying taxes, despite receiving government funding to the tune of billions. In response, Twitter has adopted a poison pill policy to limit Elon Musk's ability. That's the thing where you put a little bit of cyanide in your tooth and bite down in the middle of the board meeting. They tried to limit Elon Musk's ability to raise his stake in the social media platform as various other buy-out forms are also long lunging at the possibility of buying Twitter. Poison Pill is basically where if he buys

a certain amount then all of the shares dilute themselves and you get homeopathic Twitter the worst of all Twitters. I mean there are rumors that you're seeing the by other things as well including alternate mile long stretches of every single railway line in the world. The month of September, Platonic Love all carats the vowels A, I, and U and print William. But, uh, Nish, where do you see Muck's career standing right now? Well, I don't know if you, clearly you and I are using very different new sources today, because I'm here in the hot room at the Muck is planning to buy the bugle. Because he genuinely thinks puns and bullshit may be a renewable energy source. At last, we'll have free speech on the bugle. At last.

Yeah, at last. For too long, that Chris has been censoring my fucking swearing. But I'll tell you what, the second must takes over, you're going to hear the full fury of my swearing. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. These like free speech evangelists who fail to ever seem to mention or notice that the

moment you have an algorithm in play, you do not have free fucking speech. They're just like they should make the algorithm better and then we can all be racist like I just, I find it. I have to go. I'm going to go. I'll see you. Alex is to party. Have a good show, Alex.

To perform her show. Do go and see it at every available opportunity around the world. Thanks Alice. Nish, we should move on to, before we wrap up, this week's Easter Special, Bugal. Just be nervous. In fact, I think also Chris, I saw the tweet you put up with that snippet from a previous Easter bugle

Maybe you can play that clip as an outro before this week's lies about a premium level voluntary subscribers um It's been quite an ungodly episode so let's let's finish by looking at a further um continual source of ungodliness Boris Johnson since we lost broadcast to on this podcast, Boris Johnson has been fined by police after contravening his own COVID laws.

While I was on holiday, the fines came out and further suggestions that he should resign and his at-a-light saying, oh, there's no need in Ukraine and all that. Is there any moral line that you think he could reach where he will say, yeah, maybe I'm not right for this job? No, Andy, I think at this point, and you know, I think this pretty much gets the line across, he could fuck a dog. I truly believe at this point, Boris Johnson could fuck a dog,

not just in the abstract, on camera, in the House of Commons, he could absolutely go to town on any dog and most cats and the Conservative Party would say, at the time he was fucking the dog, absolutely go to town on any dog and most cats and The conservative party would say at the time he was fucking the dog He believed the rules around dog fucking permitted him to the dog I personally Believe that Boris Johnson was fully aware that he was breaking lockdown regulations But he's lived a life completely free of consequence and he doesn't truly believe that any rules even rules

He sets himself applied to him. However, if we accept the Conservative Party's interpretation that he didn't understand what was happening was a violation of the lockdown rules, maybe it's not a very fucking good idea to have a fucking gun in charge of the fucking country who doesn't fucking know when a party is a party and that party is a fucking violation of basic lockdown rules. Maybe it's not a good idea to have him charge of the country during a f***ing war. It's a fair point you make, Nish. And a point you may, I think, justifiably swearily. So Chris, how's that bleep button?

I'm not gonna ask. War, war, n***. Absolutely f***ing. I want the record. I want the f***ing record. The swearing is beautiful. I'm not f***ing coma. The, the fucking record. The sweariest bugle. I'm this fucking coma. The Croiden.

Well, that does bring us to the end of this week's this week's bugle. Nishyore still on tour, aren't you? I'm still on tour of the United Kingdom. I'm also still on tour, aren't you? I'm still on tour of the United Kingdom. I'm also, he says, quickly opening his calendar to check what dates are coming up. I also, excitingly, for Irish Bugglers, have a date in Dublin on Thursday, the 12th of May.

And also, the big news for American buglers is that I'm doing, and when I say, every time I say American, people get very angry because I'm only going to two cities. I apologize. This is not what I, as you can tell, I'm stalling for time as I open my own website to get the data. I apologize to the great nation of America

and to anyone who lives in it that does not live in New York or Los Angeles The loading is taking it a little bit longer than usual, but don't let that put you off visiting the website I apologize to the people that live in that great country Sadly, I will only be visiting the cities of New York and LA and I will be doing shows in New York and LA The tickets are available at my website, nishikamara.co.uk. Thursday the 19th of May, Friday the 20th of May, Saturday the 21st of May,

and then Monday the 23rd of May at the Soho Playhouse in New York. And then Wednesday the 25th of May at the Dynasty typewriter in Los Angeles. Those are the dates that are available. They're on my website. Please buy tickets. It will be a lot of fun, I think. It was a lot of fun last time, and I'm very excited. Consider those gigs plugged. Don't forget, you can also come to see Satterist satirist for hire at the Soho Theatre on the 9th, 10th, 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, 20th and 21st of May. Basically Monday, Tuesday, Friday and Saturday for two weeks from the 9th of May.

Do send in your satirical request to satirize this at satiristfor hire.com, tickets via the Soho Theatre website, or at theseultzan.co.uk fully updated little while ago. Well, we will play about some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers before the lies, however, let's have that classic bit of Easter bugle from bugle issue 127, which remains arguably the high point in Western civilization. Goodbye until next week. Oh also the news quiz is back this week. You can listen to that as well. Duh! Oh it's been awfully swearing at the bugle recently.

Yeah. I don't know why that is. Pretty sunny, any suggestions? Well, maybe you just need to listen to the words of the Pope. Alright. What at least they don't fucking swear. Right, that's now 12 fucks one. Fuck today.

Oh, god. I'm actually, how I've been said that. That's 13 to two. It's 13 to two. I was going to say 12 fucks one. That's pretty much the Jewish have to do to the new testament, isn't it? Oh, Andy.

I'm going to burn in hell for that. I'm going to burn in hell for that. I'm going to burn in hell for that, Joe. That's a way to make the absolutely foul, truly sublime. Carrying on the theme of buglevolunto subscribers who are thinking of writing books, Thomas Stark has taken to penning biographies of obscure, but fictional sport stars. His latest work is Jeff Phyllisnt, golfing Stegosaurus, which adds to previous titles including Javlins of Destiny, the Albertina Spaliela Teller story, Cupid's Queue, a Snooker Love story, and most controversially, the Beast of Biggest Wade, how Geraldine

Sniddles destroyed a crown-green bolts club in just 26 years. If David Heiner's Dwarf was to write a book, he would like it to be a mixture of a guide to how to play avant-garde jazz using standard kitchen implements and a history of tennis. It's important to find a gap in the market explains David, and as far as I know, there haven't been many or indeed any books combining these two subjects. I haven't really thought much beyond that, he admits, but it would probably involve a chapter telling you how to bang wooden spoons on a couple of saucepins to evoke a musical interpretation of the 1984 Wimbledon Final between Martin and Navratta Lover and Chris Everett.

Dan Mahari, for his part, does not understand why anyone needs any book other than a dictionary. It's got all the words in it, explains Dan. You shouldn't just sit back and roll on other people to put those words in an entertaining and or informative order for you, show some initiative. There are quite literally quadrillions of potential stories, both true and or false, lurking within any dictionary. You've just got to make the time to choose a hundred thousand or so of them at random, and hope they string together as a coherent and engaging narrative. Kenny Pollock does not like the fact that books have covers. Showing people the name of the author and the title of the book already prejudices the mind of the reader before they've even opened it Complains Kenny and that's before you've even factored in the cover design that makes it seem more exciting than it actually is

And the semi informative blurb that makes you think well Is it really worth plowing through another 450 pages to pat out those perfectly decent 200 words? Personally concludes Kenny. I would bring back scrolls." And finally, Elizabeth Dibble once spent a fortnight in her local library, glowing in the happy endings to books that she felt needed perking up at the end. Nothing is worse than wading through an 800-page masterpiece, says Elizabeth, only to be left with the overwhelming sensation that life is available to you. I reckon I put a version of Annelive Happily Ever After into over 2,000 books in my library, fiction and nonfiction, and until the traditionalists took all those pages out again, I think

my town was happier than it's ever been before or since. I stand by everything I did concludes Elizabeth. Here Endeth, this week's lies, a goodbye. Stand by everything I did concludes Elizabeth. Here end if this week's lies, a goodbye.