The Bugle - Giant Asteroid, War and Dragons (4222)

Episode Date: March 1, 2022

Andy is with Alice Fraser and Anuvab Pal to deliberatly not do Ukraine as the top story (don't worry doom fans, we still cover it). Featuring asteroids, fruit and dragons!Some words...Support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserAnuvab PalProduced a Chris Skinner and the Ross Ramsey Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, buglers! And welcome to issue 4,222 of the bugle audio newspaper for a f***ing ridiculous world with me and exottsmen coming to exclusively live from London, planet earth, where once

again the other seven licensed planets in our solar system are looking on in bafflement, thinking sometimes I'm grateful to be so uninhabitable. It is the 28th of February, 2022 as we will recall, it will be March by the time you hear this. And this week's featured background noise on the bugle is a primeval howl of baffled confusion. I'm joined to contribute to that howl by two people who I strongly suspect are not either natural warmongers or Vladimir Putin fans.

From Australia, it's Alice Fraser and from India, Anuva Pal. Hello, hello, both of you. How have you enjoyed week one of World War Three? I mean, it's been delightful. I think you've got me wrong here, and I'm assuming that I'm not of Vladimir Putin fan. Oh, obviously. As I always change from the sidelines, horse, horse, yes yes he can, if they can't ride in no one can. I don't know. I think he should stick to the thing that he's good at, which is extremely

posed photographs of him riding shirtless on a horse and not looking quite as good as you should to do that. Anuva, how has India been this strange week? Well, I'm glad you're asking, Andy. Alice, we're taking a slightly different approach. In Mumbai, I'm learning Chinese. In case, Premier Xi Jinping starts getting some ideas from Putin and heads are awake,

claiming all Indians are ethnically Chinese anyway. The other big learning I've had this week is I found out Ukrainian President Vladimir Zolensky or Vladimir, however it's pronounced, was the voice of Paddington in the Ukrainian version of Paddington. And that is my favorite movie. And I don't know if you know this, Andy Ellis, but Zolensky and I started around the same time as comedians.

And I always compared my career to his and I got a bit jealous when he became a world leader because it was a gig I was up for But he got but but the voice of Paddington that really hooked We are recording on the 28th of February tomorrow the 1st of March is Shrove Tuesday To commemorate when Jesus went shriving, I think, and ended up shrove. I'm not sure exactly what shriving, I think it was an early form of trickle-treating, but it clearly didn't go well because he had to FRO to the desert for 40 days after us to let everything calm down, so God knows what went on. It's also Pancake Day by Great Co-Interns.

That commemorates when Jesus is miracles miracles when he turns some eggs, milk and flour into a moon-themed cushion cover. On 1st March 1893, Nikki Teslegue, the first public demonstration of radio in St Louis, Missouri, which I think he's saying, give me, give me, give me a man after midnight at the Abbason, but not entirely sure, I might be mixing up with another radio broadcast. And at the first of March is also World Complement Day, which constitutes our section in the bin this week, Complement's section, in particular, Complement's focused at Warcraze despots, because frankly, when you look at despots, I think they often give off a vibe that people

haven't been genuinely Nice to them. So we are giving you three free compliments to give to any war craze despots You should come across to try and help improve their mood and attitude to the world Complement one. I like the fact that you've not invaded anywhere recently. It really suits you Complement two you have a really lovely, non-aggressive foreign and military policy. And complement 3, your Air Force looks so lovely on the ground, not bombing anywhere. So do use those as and when, that section in the bin. Top story this week, well, good news for the planet. I mean, it's been without question. If you watch the news, generally, it's off week in a drop bag of a year in a shithead of a decade

in a floundering f*** with a millennium, not entirely blaming the third millennium for its own failings. It's parents said it a very bad example. But the thing is, we do have a tendency to focus on a things that have happened rather than things that haven't. And b things that are happening on earth, which is a behavioral basket case of a planet, but currently are home, so we have to come to the tree on it. Rather than things that have not happened in space, which surely means that's objectively the biggest news of the week is this. No asteroids have destroyed all life on Earth this week. And an asteroid strike scheduled for July 2023, which could have absolutely ruined

the 2023 English cricket season and the ASUS series, June to day place then. It's been called off after boffins tracking the giant space conquer, reduced its probable risk to almost zero. So it's a hugely exciting time for the planet and its inhabitants, especially given what happened just 66 million short years ago. I mean, Alice, you are the bugles, is the world going

to end or not correspondent? This is wonderful news, isn't it, in this week of all weeks? It is wonderful news, Andy, the news that we're not going to be hit by an asteroid, although, as ever, when someone says, I was about to hit you and then didn't, you can take that as good news or you can take that as a threat. This is a really interesting piece of news mainly for the enthusiasm of the astronomers involved. In astronomer at the European Space Agency at their near-earth object coordination centre, his name is Marco Michele, he said, in January this year we became aware of an asteroid with the highest ranking on the Pilemo scale, which is, in short-hand, it's the sheet yourself scale, that we've seen

in more than a decade. In my almost ten years, I've never seen such a risky object. Sounds like this is so exciting and I guarantee you it is incredibly boring. It's sort of a thrill to track 202 to AE1. Elon Musk's lesser known other sun. And to find its trajectory until we had enough data to save a certain this asteroid will not strike. If knowing that something's not going to kill us is your version of a thrill, I hate to introduce you to everything else that's going on right now. Well, I mean, I mean, surely this shows that, you know,

when the world comes together, it can overt disaster because there were some very strong sanctions applied to the asteroid. I believe the United Nations said it would going to ban all asteroids if this asteroid strikes the Earth. No further asteroids would be allowed to strike the Earth for at least another 65 million years. So it just shows, you know, what preemptive action can do. Exactly, exactly. And, you know, from my perspective, it's a bit of a shame really, because,

you know, I'll be honest, as an Indian person, I'm always disappointing my parents, you know, they're always asking, you know, this point in your career, why aren't you selling out stadiums? And if this asteroid hit, I could always in your career, why aren't you selling out stadiums? And if this asteroid hit, I could always say, look, the venue is destroyed. I feel like you take away asteroids, you take away excuses, and that's not good for humanity. Other top story this week, the 20th century is not over, despite the year now beginning with the numbers 2 and 0. It's still desperately trying to pretend it begins with 1 and 9.

We are in an extra bonus appendix of the 20th century after to the bathroom of the world and it seems to the bathroom of most of the population of Russia. Vladimir Putin treated himself to what he described as a, quote, special military operation on Thursday morning, a cheeky little invasion of Ukraine that now four days on appears to be going not particularly well for Russia and just generally disasterously on a human and humanitarian level. And this, I mean, a number of things that I really don't like about this invasion, Alice and Evab, in particular the timing of it because Vladimir Putin waited until Quindless but the second was ill with COVID and then and only then did he launch his own, I mean,

what a what a coward. I mean, it is no wonder with behavior like that, till he waits till our totem or figureheads, our inspiration is out of action with COVID. There's no wonder his work colleagues don't want to sit next to him. I mean, I was waiting for him to crack out the Lizzy one armor and get on a horse. Now, Andy Ellis, I feel like, you know, I like history a little bit. And as you know, I was doing a bit of digging about just Keir, Russian history and I sort of feel like we're blaming the wrong guy.

Right. Okay. I think we need to spend a minute talking about Oleg of Novogrod. Which we often do. I know we do it quite often, but I feel like we need to do a little more today. Like can you tell us a little bit about Oleg of Novgorod? Yeah, he was he was as we all are. He was a really good person. I can't believe you're bringing out Wednesday night Oleg Chad into this hallowed soren. I'm sorry, Alice. We're on the verge of all.

I know Oleg is private, but I have to bring him out to New Galisters. I can't know the choice. So he was basically a Viking and he attacked what was then known as, you know, basically Slavic lands, just disparate tribes. And he kind of sees power in Kiev and basically created Novgorod and a powerful state called Kievan Rus, which included Kiev, Russia and Belarus. So there were a couple of things he liked.

He liked beheadings, and he liked Constantinople, two specific things, which I mean all of us do, all of us do. And he seized it from these tribes that were run by a duo called Ascald and Deer, who were sorted like the Antendek of their time, but in a sort of dictatorial kind of way. So, you know, this is all chronicle, then something called the Roost Chronicles, which, you know, I'm sure have their own Instagram handle, I'm sure you could follow it and find out more about it. But I feel, yes, Vladimir Putin sure, but all egg of Nugga Grad first. Right. I mean, to be fair, Erlock of Nugga was late ninth and early tenth centuries. I mean, is it time as humans that we may be god-o-wish-it-like this? I don't know. I mean, maybe you've got a point. I mean, it has been a really horrific time. President Biden said a couple of weeks ago that assessing Vladimir Putin's intentions was

very difficult, and compared it to reading tea leaves, well Putin has just hurled a sama far-fall of boiling tea, in which he's made by pissing on some tea leaves and boiling it all up, right in the world's faces. He, quote, recognized two regions of Eastern Ukraine as independent states and then has defended them by invading the whole of Ukraine, the international community, had tried to dissuade Putin from invading by, well amongst other things, growling quite aggressively, intermittent-tutting and saying that they will really think about how to respond if he invades after he's invaded.

And it turns out that did not work. Don't forget establishing oil pipelines. That's very important. Yeah, yeah. It didn't really work as a means of putting it off. We talked a little bit about what Anthony Blinken said last week. And it has turned out that applying sanctions only after the event to stop the event happening, did not stop the event happening.

So that curation logic we picked up last week has proved not to be entirely 100% efficacious. We've seen heroic Ukrainian resistance, the inevitable massive refugee crisis, some characteristic Russian military incompetence, which apparently included some Russian soldiers going to a Ukrainian police station to ask for fuel. And Vladimir Putin sinisterring the shit out of everything and the international community cutting off some of Russia's pocket money and shouting, come on Ukraine, you're doing really well. So all in all, it's a bit of tough watch, tough watch. Yes, despite incredibly disapprovingly relying on Russia for a huge quantities of their energy resources, the rest of Europe is definitely, definitely going to cut it off just any minute now. The latest is that there may be talks between Ukraine and Russia, quite who's going to

be involved in them and what they will entail is unclear. Vladimir Putin yesterday, as we record, put Russia's nuclear deterrent on special alert, those were not entirely reassuring at words because Vladimir Putin, I think, is he's coming up to 70 years old, he's sort of at the stage where he couldn't give a flying f*** if this planet gets destroyed. I mean, this is because all because nobody ever reads the second page of Coleridge's poem Aussie Mandius. You know you've got the the Tronkvaston Tronklus you know standing in the desert and you flip the page and it's because he started a nuclear war in order to preserve his legacy. That's that's the second page and nobody notices it.

Where exactly in Australia was Mandius from? I know we were known as Aussie Mandius but then tell us exactly which bit of Australia. That's the thing, you know, it's the second page of Aussie Mandias and it's again going back to Oleg of Novograd. You know, these are the two things if we'd read up on, we'd be a much better world. And sorry, I just forgot to add, Oleg of Novograd was a Vangerian prince. Vangerian, right. He was Vangerian. And as an Indian

person, I know as much about that as, well, anything else about the Indian rules. And you know, once a Vangerian, you're always a Vangerian, you're going to be in different things. It's like Hungarian billion of them. I mean, as we are seeing this determinedly second millennium style tragedy unfold, what we're also seeing is the West essentially, ostentatiously painting a picture of a bolt onto the shattered remnants of the stable door and saying, I always knew that horse, he was a naughty one. It's, I mean, Joe Biden has said the prayers of America are with the people of Ukraine. And would you say prayers are more or less effective

than military aids and preemptive hardline sanctions? I guess history will be the judge. More American reactions come from former president Donald Trump, who reacts to Putin's actions by a, hailing him as a genius, be saying we could do with a bit of that in America and suggesting Biden sends troops to America's troubled border region, Vlad Stalin saying Putin was a great guy and a good buddy. And it's now maybe he may be running for office in 2024, well done, America, you're doing tremendously well.

I mean, the American reaction is truly astonishing from the right wing saying, well, this is because of trans-barthroom rights, essentially, that because Russia preserves its sacred gender binary, it has the power to invade its neighboring nation. It seems to be the logic. And then the left wing

going, this is all America's fault somehow and indulging in a good round of self-abnegating breast beating and you know we've always painted Russia as the evil villain in the corner and that was always wrong except we have somehow made them into the evil villain by being American. And I feel like there's a middle ground somewhere where you can just say he's a c**t. I think you might have a point there, Russ. The response in the rest of the world, in China and India, have responded, they abstained from the UN Security Council, which understandably rush a veto, raising slight questions about the efficacy of the Security Council. China and India abstain, and they've responded to this whole crisis very much as you or I would respond to the news that Marcelo and Juliana from Santiago and Chile have decided to buy a new sofa, but can't

agree on which colour and how many cushions to have on it. It's been, you know, at best in difference. Let's listen in, in fact, to the latest throughout reaction right now from Beijing and New Delhi. Was that, was that something? Nothing, I think I might have been a parakeet out, so I'm not sure. I mean, the international response is broadly, and particularly before the invasion and in the immediate aftermath, being kind of toothless, but at least we've bought some novelty plastic van party from a Halloween costume shop. I mean, how are people reacting, and have I been India, to the lack of response from the government?

Yeah, the reason we've been quiet is that we're stuck in a very delicate space. India is a net importer of oil, which is slightly important for 1.3 billion people. And as a net importer of oil, we have two suppliers, Russia and the United States. 50% of it comes from Russia, 50% comes from Europe and the United States. 50% of it comes from Russia, 50% comes from Europe and the United States. So we're a little bit stuck because if we want half of all the cars and trucks in India to stop, we'll have to take a sign. In terms of the response from the cricket community, which is obviously the most important thing, Imran Khan was the only former 1980s international crooketer to visit Vladimir Putin the day after he

launched the invasion. I don't know if it's whether it was in his role as a representative of 1980s international crooketers or as Prime Minister of Pakistan. But I mean, this was a poorly timed visit. I mean, I think the visit was scheduled some time ago, but maybe worth checking the news next time. Cause I mean, you can always take a rain check.

It can pull us sicky these days. Come on mean you can always take a rain check it can pull us a key these days. You can you can just claim a COVID test. You know I think I think Zelensky has given a lot of world leaders hope you know I think Imran Khan looked at the comedian you know facing up to a world crisis and said as a fast baller maybe I can do something. I think his country is Pakistan as you know, is in a lot of debt. It's been going to the IMF, it's going to China, it's trying to raise capital.

And maybe as a creator, he's not that aware of timing in politics. So he thought this would be a good time to go to Russia and I don't know, offer Biryani in exchange of a trade deal just as the Russians are about to launch a nuclear weapon. The the Kremlin issued a statement about the meeting said the leaders of the two countries discussed the main aspects of bilateral cooperation and exchange views on current regional topics including developments in South Asia which I'm not sure was the big new story on that day. I'm going to imagine that Vladimir Putin is either very distracted or obviously a body

double in that conversation. In terms of other statements, Chelsea Football Club, from whom Roman Abramovich, the Russian question we acquired, Billionaire, has stepped back from running the club issued a statement saying the situation in Ukraine is horrific and devastating. Chelsea FC is thought so with everyone in Ukraine, everyone at the club is praying for peace. Which isn't the most savage criticism of Putin's actions, but maybe we shouldn't expect that. Europe has started to respond a bit more strongly. The EU for the first time in its history is sending arms to a non-member state. Germany is announced it will be investing in its military in a manner that it hasn't done since, well you know, when the UK response,

I mean obviously, and you've sub-touched on this already, if Russian history teaches anything, it's the dangers of fighting a war on two fronts, And we are in full swing of the culture wars here. And I just think that that may have split our government's attention all of a doubt. And I think we mentioned a couple of weeks ago on the bugle said that we can't concentrate on Ukraine because people are wanting to use different pronouns. And I hope these people are really thinking about what they're role in in creating this crisis. In terms of accepting refugees, the British government has said people who are settled

in the UK will be able to bring their Ukrainian immediate family members to join them. Which I mean, it wasn't the most open armed approach. I don't think Poland and Romania, in the other countries on Ukraine's borders have been quite such sticklers for whether or not you've got immediate family members to stay with. Johnson said the UK would not turn our backs

in Ukraine's hour of need. We might extend a middle finger or clench fist to anyone without relatives already here, but it is still a strong message because turning our backs in people's hour of need is generally official government policy. So it shows how seriously we're taking. To do them credit, the government is being a good wingman to every British gentleman abroad that wants to get laid, saying, just saying,

if you wanna be in immediate relative. Right. Yeah. Again, that's, I guess, in the John Sonion playbook. But it does show how seriously we're taking it out. We are prepared at least temporarily to suspend our now traditional heartless bastards asylum policy.

And also, this shows how seriously we are taking this in Britain that our news reporters have started pronouncing Kiev as Kiev. And for Britain to abandon our God-given right to mispronounce places and people from overseas, that is a huge, a huge step that we are always unwilling to take. And it shows how seriously we are taking this crisis. But everything into perspective. I mean, you're missing, of course, the most important response, which is the response of the Tecbro Bitcoin maximalist community, which is that millions of dollars of Bitcoin are being donated to the war effort in Ukraine.

And I know you know how I feel about Bitcoin, which is to say, I don't know how I feel about Bitcoin, which is to say, I don't know how to feel about Bitcoin. But I'm not sure if this is like a wonderful use case for this decentralized currency or also about to be used by the baddies. Like, I just feel in this whole situation, there are a lot of baddies. Situations like this, let's call it war,

you end up with, I just feel like you end up with a lot of baddies, like on all sides, all over the place, and the more baddies you get to invest in Bitcoin, the more valuable and evil it becomes. You know, but then I, adding to that, Alice, I also have an if not now then when theory. You know, I feel like Bitcoin was invented for a cyber war with Russia. I mean, if, for example, if we are exchanging in gold, donkeys, and cash in a cyber war, we've got a problem. I think this was things like Ethereum and Shiba in Ucoin who invented for this kind of

war, because there's a lot of things I think of when I think of the Russian army. One of the things that don't strike me is a sense of humor. Even with World War II, Hitler went after them, Stalin nearly had to leave Moscow, but no one found any of that funny, like they were not. And I feel like this is not going to be an army with whom you can reason or have compassion. I mean, it's called the Red Army. You can't even picture individuals. You know, I know there was a guy called Zukov a long time ago, but these are not fun people.

So I feel the only way to beat them is to exchange their currency in some sort of a cyber-dog-going, Ethereum kind of thing and they have no money to fight. kind of thing and they have no money to fight. Sports reaction, as you would expect, has been brutal. FIFA have said that Russia have to play under the name of the football union of Russia, not as Russia, and they're not allowed to use a flag or a national anthem. And I mean, there cannot be any more peacom response than that. Take it away, I mean, it's an outstanding national anthem. To take that away, I mean, you can see that this could lead to the crumbling

of the entire Putin facade. I'm just going to go back to Liz Truss' saying that she'll back of volunteers to go and fight in Ukraine. This is a bit of Australian news. Peter Dutton, the MP, does floods in Brisbane at the moment. And he has tweeted out thoughts and prayers and a GoFundMe link for emergency relief in Queensland. no fund me link for emergency relief in Queensland, which I think is just the most blatant admission of the failure of government that you could possibly imagine. The water hasn't gone down yet and we haven't seen the full extent of the damage to our

community due to catastrophic flooding. We have started a fundraiser to help local residents and businesses who have been affected. And as you can imagine, he has been ratioed so hard with suggestions like, this is your job and this is your fucking job. Well, we had to be slightly similar with when Jacob Reesmog was appointed Minister for Brexit opportunities, I think it was a title, and basically invited members of the public to tell him what are the good things about Brexit, which you would have thought as one of the architects of the journal shit show. He might have thought of before, for example, 2016 when he tried to spread people to vote in it. Obviously, FIFA is an organization that awarded World Cup

to Russia in 2018, despite all the things Putin had done in the previous or nearly two decades, including invading Ukraine previously in 2014 and not removing the World Cup, then, when it could have done Qatar in 2022, despite its enthusiastic use of slave labor and the fact that it is a small bit of desert. I mean, essentially, Fubil's moral compass points unirringly to actually doesn't really point anywhere. Football's moral compass was removed from the building sometime ago, taken to a disused quarry, strapped to some TNT and blown up and replaced with a piece of wood with a compass needle painted on it, pointing unirringly towards a dollar sign made of steaming turds. I do think however, you know, we are a respected

media organisation here at the Bugle and we need to try to provide some balance and we need to see some things from the Russian perspective and Vladimir Putin complained this week about people using quotes aggressive language towards Russia. So there are always two sides, aggressive language and that's in the 2020s. You know, people are very sensitive to these things. And he's a leader who has done nothing more than wage brutal war on a non-aggressive country. Is there really any excuse for language like that? Andy, look, Alice, one of the things he announced on TV was that he told his generals that he was upset

that Ukraine was filled now with neo-Nazis and strangers. And I'm always worried when a place is filled with neo-Nazis and strangers. I think about it being any place that has those two things. Well, I mean, the sentence itself implies that the neo-Nazis are the one part of the sentence who aren't strangers. So I guess he was aware that they're there, right?

But strangers really throw him off. But what I was taken by is that there's, I guess, he does not like all the rhetoric of the West telling him he's a dictator. Time magazine has him on the cover this week with the Hitler moustache, so all of that is going on. So I can see why he's a dictator, time magazine has him on the cover this week with the Hitler moustache, so all of that is going on, so I can see why he's upset. So basically all these announcements he's making about the nuclear arsenal and all of that, he's doing it on TV to his generals. A few days ago, if you remember, he spoke to his spy chief, he paraded him out and made him say, with cider you on and when the spy chief was hesitant, he scolded

him on live TV. And I realized maybe what Putin is missing is he makes, he needs to make important live decisions for broadcast, for public broadcast. And I realized maybe he doesn't have an avenue, but then I thought, wait a minute, the world has that already, it's called Instagram. I think all of this would stop if Putin had an Instagram account where he just wrote stuff like

I mean, I'm not wear pants today. Well, I mean, I mean, there has been some strong social media action. I mean, in fact, I mean, before the invasion, there was rather stronger words from various celebrities, the American rapper Cardi B issued an eloquent anti-war statement that was rather more striking than what the world's politicians were offering at the time. Cardi B of course, I think as we exclusively revealed on the bugle, took her name from Cardigan Bay in Wales for a love of beautiful Sandy beaches. However, the Russian rap... But interesting itself took its name from Beyonce's cardigan. The Russian rapper KGB, as responded with an album of pro-Soviet union hip-hop. One of my great, great beats with Putin, though, is that, you know, I'm just really worried, you see his work meetings and how he treats his colleagues, that he's creating a toxic workplace.

He is legally speaking, definitely creating a toxic workplace. I mean, I've always wondered, one of the things they do in the workplace now is 360-degree feedback, where employees below you and above you give you a recommendation. I wonder what Putin's 360-degree feedback would look like. Well, that concludes this week's War update. Hopefully it'll be all over by next week's bugle, but it might not be. We will have exclusive coverage as the conflict continues.

World Record News now and while the world has not been at its best this week the but it's not been all bad let's look for the positives for example the Stretton Red Hawks and I want a 21 game winning streak I think and this week has also seen several records set as humanity despite what's going on in Ukraine and with Vladimir Putin's strife forever more record setting standards. And I'm not just talking about records like most absurd pretext for war, most obviously belated sanction, at least welcome second presidential run, that kind of things. We're talking great human achievements, and foremost amongst them a new record has been set by a heroic young Australian for stacking the most M&Ms on top of other M&Ms. Alice, this must be one of the moments of greatest

national pride in the history of your young nation. It's the one thing keeping our heads above the rising flood waters here and he is the knowledge that the most M&Ms ever have been piled on top of each other by Brendan Kelby a 22 year old man who has simultaneously broken this Guinness World Record and also the world record for the least impressive world record ever. It's six M&Ms It's six six six It's so he's broken The Piling M&Ms on top of each other and also the least impressive world record

At the same time a double world record break a very impressive work from young Brendan there Yeah, I think it's led to a big money deal He's moved from the Victoria vertical snack stores to the Canberra Confectionary Stack as ahead of the forthcoming Australian NPL nibbles Piling League season. Anivab, I imagine, you know, India, which as a nation generally starved of global sporting success outside the cricket arena must be thinking, this is something you need to invest in. Yeah, I mean, I was about to ask both of you, I had taken part in a Samoasa eating contest. And the winner ate 27 of them.

That was considered an achievement. Of course, he ended up with a me big dysentery and was in hospital for a week. But how would you compare that to the stacking of the M&M's? You think it's a smaller achievement? Like Andy said, we just don't make the global press with some of this stuff. I mean, I don't know if you read, but at 16-year-old Indian kid just been Mattness Coulson at chess, the world grandmaster chess, whatever you call it. I was about to say, grand wizard, that's not the right word. Some grand, something of jiff. And again, you know, it's small news, it's a little corner of the BBC in the Guardian.

It's not big news. I feel like I'm so more so eater. Where would you rate him compared to the Eminem stacker? Just stacking six small bits of confectionery on top of each other. It was so hard to put anything in context. It's like comparing apples to oranges in terms of this stack ability apples are much easier to stack. On the subject of fruit, another great world record has been set. The world's heaviest strawberry has been grown in Israel. One can only assume it was provided by Almighty God himself,

some kind of belated contract fulfillment with the Old Testament folks. I mean, this is a huge moment for the strawberries which have been traditionally considered to be quite small and now turns out that actually there can be bigger than that. I'm against it, Andy. It seems unhulsome and unnatural to have a strawberry that's 13 inches is the circumference of this massive strawberry. And the fact that it has such density and weight, it's nearly 10 ounces of heft. That's a strawberry that's going to make itself into jam.

It's just going to collapse under the weight of its own weight. And you'll end up with a black hole of strawberries into which all cream will be sucked. And then where will we be? It sounds like a metaphor for Russia. And this strawberry, those of you who have not seen it, is the size of an elephant's head, albeit a toy elephant that is,

whose head is about the width of a human hand. But still pretty big of strawberries go. In other big things that are maybe not that big objectively, the world's biggest Jurassic Terrasaur has been found in Scotland a fossil, well not alive, a fossilized room with a wingspan of 2.5 meters. There were other terraces that were a lot bigger, but not in the specifically Jurassic period, but we're clinging to this in Britain as a world record, the punk-styled flying meganew sadly passed away. By coincidence, on this day, the 28th of February, in 170,321,853 BC, much missed by friends and family, of course.

And it's, yeah. It's a dragon. it's a dragon that's stopped pretending it's not a dragon someone find a fossilized virgin i'm sure we can all think up the name of some old lady we don't like as the punchline for this bit it's a dragon right and also Andy you know i feel like in the dinosaur area britain is like a third world country it's we behind the other developed economies. America has some proper ones. Africa has tons of great ones.

Australia has got a bunch. But this is probably the first time you're giving the world a... Soros, whatever. Soros, there was. Yeah, what do you say that? And this fossil was discovered in 2017 and the stories in the news

because I think a report came out analyzing it last week. So, I mean, what was actually 2017? When was the Brexit vote? 2016. Oh, awesome. We're free of Europe, and we're starting to find fucking massive dinosaurs, like the Great Nation we are. And of just to correct you there, to say that England has and presented the world with a Soros.

It presented a world with the Soros. to say that England has represented the world with a Soros. It presented a world with the Soros. There are hopes now after this fossil was discovered recently that in a couple of hundred years, time someone can make a film about the discovery with a contrived romantic sub-log. Another great discovery, the biggest Roman mosaic for 50 years has been found in London. I mean, it's not really a world record, it's just the biggest in London for 50 years. It's thought to be the floor of an upmarket hotel which offered food accommodation and a full refund in the event of the eventual collapse of the Roman Empire. The venue dates from the mid-second century AD when beer in London was charged at just four pounds a point. I'm sure it's how long ago that was.

Another very exciting world record set for visiting the most Welsh castles in a week. I mean, I wasn't entirely sure that this was a world record, bearing among its only Welsh castles, probably quite hard for a professional castle visitor from Argin Tienus, a great the Welsh castles record, but still a world record Matthew Page, an endurance cyclist from Clanger Dogg, sorry if I've mispronounced that, peddled his way to 67 Welsh castles in a week. Yes, indeed, Andy. Matt paged the name of a choice when you're getting your photographs printed.

The only person who's visited more Welsh castles interestingly enough is King Arthur. He's been everywhere. Yeah. Again, very quickly, I would like to challenge this record from an Indian perspective, because maybe what they don't know is that there are tour packages that you can get in India, that Indian families buy, which allows you access to six museums in Paris in five hours. And I know one particular family that have run through the Louvre, the Museet d'Orsay,

and the Pompadou in 40 minutes, which is really possibly works a lot, because it's included in an all you can watch package. And I'd just like to throw in the dosci family into this competition. Again, they're not getting enough press, but they have covered four museums, which may not be the same as that by any word, castles, but you know.

In Scotland, World Record was set for the quickest ever recorded production of a play from the moment that the theatre company picked a script at random out of a box of scripts, rehearsed and produced it nine hours, 59 minutes and three seconds for the Robert Chicken Theatre in Dumb Lane to perform a fully formed musical return to the forbidden planet. Snacks the world record back for team GB from Spain's Tia Trojale Albatross, so obviously a bit of a burden for them to carry. And they broke the mythical ten-hour barrier that so narrowly eluded Shakespeare back in the day when he had to write it, of course, as well to get the record when he hacked out his little known tragedy, Bertie the Space Dog, back in 1604.

Well, we are running out of time on this week's move, because I have to get the train to Newcastle for my tour gig, all details of all my tour shows on Andy'sELtson.co.uk, do send your satirical request to satirisattsatrisforhigher.com. We only have time for bra news now. And Alice, respectfully, I'm going to pass this one to you as something more of an expert on this topic than probably Anne ofaburai. This is the latest moral panic come fashion news, Andy, that the pandemic has hit the underwire on the head that that bras are no longer being bought with underwires. If you don't know what they are there, a wire that goes under the boob to push the

boob upwards. I understand this. Why would you wear an underwire when you're on zoom? You can just hoick your boobs up into frame with your hands when they're relevant. Otherwise, they can stay out of view. I don't think you realize how liberating it is to know that if someone's not meeting your eyes in a meeting, it's because they're subtly checking their emails out of frame, not either objectifying you for the ways in which your body meets a set of beauty standards or worse, cultivating contempt for your inability to meet those standards.

I feel this is a dangerous precedent to set to the death of the underwear because I just tried to wear proper shoes for the first time in a while, like last week and it ended so badly that I decided I don't need feet anymore. So everyone keep your eyes out, I mean, it eyes up here, but just keep your camera sensors around. And on the landscape of what's going to be happening with bras in the future. But I can guarantee there will be significantly more comfy until we all have to go back into the office again and impress people with our mountainous Thank you very much for listening, Pulas. I think we have a week off next week because of my tour, fourth coming dates today. Two light, new castle, then Edmund Reglasco, Barnard Castle, Salford North-Alison, Lincoln-Chorley Birmingham, Cheltenham, Leicester, Maidenhead, making head all the shot not to give Bristol X to Cambridge, Ad Milton, Keens and a London

run in May, all details at Addiesolk.co.uk Anything to plug? I will be in Adelaide this week, please come by tickets. I think I've bought a sort of like 34 out of 400 tickets. So come along, Adelaide I'll be then in Melbourne, then in Perth, then in Tokyo, but not doing shows, then in London, for June, July, and then in Edinburgh in August. And who knows when they're after? Who knows where? Who knows where? I know when it'll be. It'll be then. But I don't know where. Well, just like Alice, I should be in the UK April onwards. The Amazon special, the Empire. It's the Amazon Special, the Empire. This is a topic I've never done before. It comes out at the end of April.

And my specific dates are, I have no idea. But there will be certain things. They'll be on Twitter at Anapalpal. And my last last request, Andy, is if there is a World War III, I really hope you speak to your government and get that British Imperial Army back in order. Because you guys were much better when you had an army stationed here in India. Thank you.