The Bugle - Goodbye George Bush and Hello Barack Obama

Episode Date: January 19, 2009

The 60th ever Bugle podcast, from 2009. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bughlers and welcome to issue 60 of the Bughal the world's greatest and only audio newspaper for a visual world.

From the week beginning Monday, the 19th of January 2009 with me and his artsman here in London and in New York City, John Oliver. Hello, Andy. Hello. Hello, Andy. Hello. Hello, Buglas. Andy, yesterday I narrowly avoided being smashed into by a plane. That plane, the crash into the Hudson River, hit just at the end of our block after being attacked by some terrorist geese.

And a friend of mine at work was watching the news and she just said she was bored. Only for seconds later an aeroplane to crash into the water about 400 meters from where she was sitting. So it just goes to show, be careful what you wish for in terms of entertainment. It's nice though, isn't it? For once, to be able to crack jokes about an airplane crash for a while.

It's fantastic. Yeah. It doesn't quite have the dangerous free song that it would have done otherwise, but yeah, I mean, it's a much warmer feeling. But also this week, Daniel Craig was a guest on the show and the James Bond and during the interview John Stuart raised this shooting trip that we had in Vegas. Yes so he was pointing out that Riggle had hit the hostage taker in the head and he said to James Bond

what do you think John Oliver did? And James Bond said, hit the hostage. Pfft. Pfft. You bond? Not necessarily. Yes, as it happens, but not necessarily. That is my dream gone of becoming a secret agent, Andy. I wanted to be James Bond's sidekick, like Robin.

Robin Bond. That's what I was going to be. Robin Bond, I'd help him out, you know, pick up things for him when he knocks things over. He's often doing that because he's always in such a rush, so I'd pick it up. James, you dropped your wallet. Yeah, I can see that working out, I was the next step on your film career. Does he listen to the bugle or not?

Do you know James Bond? Oh Bond. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Because he certainly didn't in that last Bond film, he wasn't listening to it. I didn't know the peer that he was listening to the bugle. Well he didn't appear, I don't know. Because he certainly didn't in that last Bond film. He wasn't listening to it. We didn't know the peer that he was listening to the bugle.

Well, he didn't appear, but how would you know? I mean, it just sort of could have been cut out. They have very small earpieces now. They've been turned to at any point. Yeah, he could have been listening to it on a sausage doggle or something. Do. Anyway, this is the sixth-year edition of the bugle.

It's the Diamond Jubilee edition. So like Queen Victor and her, Diamond Jubilee, I will be doing this edition of the bugle, it's the Diamond Jubilee edition. So like Queen Victor and her Diamond Jubilee, I will be doing this edition of the bugle whilst being pulled through London on a special cart waving at my Doring public. So Tom Giddy up. And it also means that it is the 90th anniversary of the ratification of the 18th Amendment in America which of course brought in prohibition, leading to America sobering up for the first and only time in its life. Then realising that actually it didn't quite like what it saw, so it brought booze back. And the rest, as I say, is history.

As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin. This week, a theatre section. We help you decide what is the right theatre for you, the pros and cons of Procenium Arch a versus in the round, also choosing the right stage, why wood is better than tarp all in. And fire escapes, we've all got to have them, we tell you how to make yours look funky. And theatre or bathroom, how to decide what to install in your new house. There will also be a competition for a free fire safety curtain signed by top Italian fire safety curtain designer, Alejandro Altebelli.

And also in the bin this week is the Bugles review of the fashion on show at the Golden Globes Awards this week. Of course the Golden Globes have been so named ever since 50s film star at Jane Mansfield turned up to them straight from a two week beach holiday and had a wardrobe malfunction. So this year's fashion review, well men were really going for trousers this year, very interesting, perhaps a sign of the economic times, and it was a real distinct lack of socks from the women,

which I thought was both disappointing and irresponsible. You've got to have socks in this day and age. That's why I keep telling my daughter. Well, and the America is about to swear in its 44th President. By the time this bugle goes out, it will be a matter of hours until the most historic day in the history of America goes down in history books for the rest of um... what's the word? Time, that's it for the rest of time. Are people getting carried away here Andy? Yes, are they sending themselves up for inevitable disappointment? Yes, are they aware of that quite yet? Absolutely not. Now as we were talking last week, the inauguration itself has taken a great deal of planning, but that pales into insignificance

when placed to the actual transition of power. A Bahamas transition team will have been working solidly for over six weeks since the election to make the change as seamless as possible. And it can't have been easy with this particular administration. It's like exchanging the pattern in a sprint relay race. You don't want anything to go wrong,

but it's especially difficult when the person who's supposed to be handing it over to you is veering all over the place, running out of his lane, looking like he's gonna drop it as he comes to the end of two of the worst-run legs in presidential relay metaphor history. Are they gonna make him piss in a bottle, John? I do hope so.

Recently, there have also been practical jokes played on the incoming administration. Clinton's outgoing transition team famously took all the W's off the White House computer keyboards, but to give them credit, the Bush administration got their own back by destroying the country over the following eight years. Who's laughing now, President 42? I guess Bush's parting prank for Obama is, I don't know, the Middle East. To $10 trillion debt? Yeah.

I mean, there's a few really good ones. If anything, he's taken this tradition a little too seriously. So that's it. This is, of course, the last ever bugle in history to take place during a George W. Bush presidency. Or at least, well, let's not get over optimistic about this. It's the last for at least four years to take place without a bush in the White House. So nine years late, the 21st century can at last begin properly. But I'm disappointed, John, as if Bush hasn't done enough damage to the world for one Presidency.

With just days left in office, my daughter has contracted chicken pox. And I blame George W. Bush for this. I mean, it was all going fine and then you think, well, he's probably going to get away with it and then all of a sudden, scratchy scratchy, I blame Bush. It's just seconds away. Do you have any actual intelligence there and the linking bush to the chicken pox? Well, we have a television on the other day and the news was on and they had a little

snippet from Bush's parting press conference the other day and two days later my daughter came out in spots. Well, that's the smoking gun. That's right. That's more than we had going into Iraq. Yeah. Bush has been going on a press offensive this week to try and shape his legacy, appearing with Britt Hume on Fox News, Sean Hannity on Fox News and with Larry King on CNN. Imagine Fox were very hurt about that last one. Apparently in a tearful confrontation, Bush said that it meant nothing and that he was thinking about Fox the whole time he was with CNN.

Fox responded by screaming, Oh, don't hear all the sorted details, and apparently ran out of the room to throw up. In his final press conference, Bush showed the calculated and selective remorse that he's been road testing for the last couple of weeks. He admitted that standing under a banner saying mission accomplished was a mistake, which is like apologising for spelling someone's name wrong on the birthday cake you made them out of shit. Did he not say this press conference? Use the words, we've had fun, which I guess maybe he has a slightly different attitude

towards fun than me. For me, fun is seeing how many oranges I can cram into a single small plastic bag, or maybe seeing how people react when they offer them 20 quid for their dog, or perhaps even dressing up like a hippo and pretending to ski down the stairs. But for others like George W. Bush, evidently fun is presiding over the most divisive presidency in history, engendering a resentment across the globe, and overseeing the dissent into economic annihilation. Yeah, we're all different, John,

and I guess that's what George W. Bush has proven over these last eight years. Well, conversely, Obama's initial press conferences so far have had a strange atmosphere to them. He's answered questions, addressed journalists by their names, politely and calmly, and has been forthcoming with policy issues. And the press call in turn have just looked stunned. It's like they've developed Stockholm syndrome, they're just not used to someone talking to them like that.

I'm not even convinced they actually like it. Bush's press conferences over the past of years have been a relentlessly vapid kabuki presenting the illusion of information being conveyed. He's even become famous for calling journalists by nicknames in a pseudo-friendly gesture of complete professional content. I'm no great fan of the American press and they don't have posters of any of them up on my wall and I own very few of their albums, but let's spare a thought for what they've been going through

because for eight years, they've been treated like slightly irritating circus animals, doing tricks for kibble, standing on their hind legs to make their bored ringmaster proud. You've got to wean them off this ill treatment gradually. It's like coming up from a deep sea diving expedition. If you come up too quickly, you get the bends. So, to help them with this transition, a bomb is going to have to force himself to make

glib comments based on their physical appearance. They can't just go cold turkey, it's too much of a shock to the system. Can you just not just sort of wean them onto one kind of standard generalized nickname for them all, like sugar cakes? Yeah, maybe, maybe. I mean, he's got to do something because this is not an easy time for the press. No, no, he's got to do it quickly as well, or you know, the bubble of optimism will burst pretty quickly. Yeah, I mean, it's going to be difficult for them to now have to make some pretence of actually doing their job. In fact, the White House has also released a 41-page document, which you can get

from the White House website entitled, 100 Things Americans Might Not Know about the Bush Administration. Now, number one was keeping America safe since 9-11, but there are also other beautiful tipets, such as, laid the foundation for a future Israeli-Palestinian peace agreement. No, that is bullsy. Very actively taking credit for any future piece

which may break out over the next thousand years. He is preemptively sticking his flag in it. Another one was, stood on principle, refused to put off tough decisions and showed the way ahead. And that is absolutely true. And no one could accuse him of not making decisions incredibly and some might say irresponsibly fast. And interestingly in response, America has released an 800-page document entitled,

100 Things, the Bush administration may not know about what America thinks of them, which they really should know. It's not like America has been coy about it, but maybe the Bush administration wasn't listening or something, so any way America is happy to remind them. Bush also said that he feels blessed to have led America, and sadly, according to the polls, that feeling is not entirely mutual. In fact, it's about as mutual as the relationship between a hungry lion and a plump baby zebra, which the lion then called a press conference, and I'm delighted to have met little stripy and it's been a great privilege to have worked with him and I hope an assumed that stripy feels the same. Stripy, oh you've gone quiet, you couldn't shut up five minutes ago, squealing and winging.

He gave a 15 minute TV address, John, to me, which I did some calculations, I reckon that was enough to say, oops, sorry, about 700 times, John. Which I did some calculations. I reckon that was enough to say, oops, sorry, about 700 times. Is that what he did? No, it wasn't what he did. I mean, it was his farewell address, which goes back to George Washington who wrote a letter to the American people, which was then published

in the newspaper, and Bush instead stood and looked slightly sad. And here's the thing, I'm almost feeling sorry for him now. He just looks beaten. It's like that fight between Lennox Lewis and Oliver McCall when McCall started crying during the fourth of fifth rounds and Lewis just couldn't bring himself to hit him anymore. Eventually the fight was stopped. There were points during his press conferences and his farewell speech. He just wanted Cheney to throw a white towel at him, get him to spit out his gum shield and get a doctor to check him for brain damage.

Well, I think John, on that analogy, if he'd travelled around the world, I think he'd find there's quite a lot of Lennox Lewis's who would be quite keen to carry on punching him. The New Administration is already busy confirming its line up in this transition. The biggest name on the hill this week plonged herself down in front of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and sat down for a five-hour job interview for a job she'd already technically been given. Isn't democracy fun? So instead of an interview, it became a five-hour law fest, an orgy of clawing sanctumity. It was longer and worse than dances with wolves. Don't say that

lightly, that's both chronologically and artistically true. And you can probably tell from the Tony Myvoys, I had to watch the entire thing on C-Span. I watched the entire hearing for work and was begging for someone, anyone, to stage your bloody coup around hour three. But it was a big day for Hillary Clinton the moment she dreamed of ever since her previous dream had been shattered. Bill Clinton was not there in person but he was there awkwardly in spirit and his foundation and Clinton global initiative were threatening to derail her job by being a perceived conflict of interest. But you know they'll be trying to get to that plenty some might say far too much time and at least her daughter Chelsea

was there, which didn't go unnoticed by John Kerry, who opened up the hearing by saying to Chelsea, we're delighted to have you here. Since your father served as an intern on this committee, maybe we can make you an intern for the day, Chairman's Parognitive. So if you want to come up here later and look out, we're happy to welcome you. That's the kind of thing you say to a six-year-old, not an accomplished 28-year-old woman with a master's degree in international relations. I would not bring up White House interns to the two Clinton women. A Clinton renestatement about the aims of the Obama administration and I mean it just showed how far she's come. She can almost say those words now without coming out in hives. Previously, her eye would start twitching

and the doctor would have to rush in to give an emergency shot. And finally, after two hours, the one thing standing in the way of her getting this job was raised. Although such was the friendly tone of the hearing, it was immediately followed by Senator Nelson saying, I want to cite the outset that this sentence to think that your husband's Clinton global initiative is an extremely positive thing to have in a relationship with a future secretary of state. And that can only lend additional credibility to your coming to the table as the foreign policy representative of the United States government. I want that on record. Well, that is some refreshing honesty Andy. Let the record show that I absolutely love the clear conflict of interest that this represents. Politics would be boring if all departments operated without a cloud of suspicion hanging over them. Royal Gaff News now and well Prince Harry has been added again. He has apologised after a video

showing him referring to a Pakistani fellow officer in the army as our little packy friend was published and I mean you do expect a certain level of behaviour from the royal family but it's just disappointing when they achieve that level of behaviour so often. Basically his excuses for this have been firstly come on and secondly it's the army bad things always happen in war but I think when you look at it objectively you've got to acknowledge that Harry's troubles really began when he was born and was signed up basically in the womb to a life of purpose, privilege and incessant scrutiny. And he's sort of been reduced to brightening up the dull routine of having no real point of existing by resorting to intermittent

bouts of crackly, idiotic racism, like dressing up like a Nazi and things like that. I guess the one shining light in this story, John, is that Harry won't be king almost certainly. And if I was in the royal family, which, I'm pretty sure I'm not, I'll be lining up some extremely fertile-looking wise for Prince William, the more the better. Just to make sure he has an air. Internally, the way you can tell if you're in the royal family or not apparently is to drive slowly down the road in a horse-drawn carriage, wearing a crown and waving out of your car window. People wave back with fewer than three fingers raised, you're not royalty.

That's a good test, that's like the Princess and the Peanthroll. That's a good test. But now, maybe there is some precedent for this. Racism can often be hereditary, and this family does have a very strong bloodline of bigotry. It's, it's generations hateful gift to the next. Harry's grandfather Prince Philip is a flamboyant racist. And even at Prince Charles the future king if his

mom stops being immortal, came under fire this week after it emerged that he calls a friend of his from a polo club, Suti. Come on, that isn't even modern day racism, that's 1950s hate. It just goes to show how out of touch the royal family are. If you're going to be racist, at least bring it into the 21st century. That kind of racism isn't just offensive and upsetting. It's embarrassing. Sutty, whose real name is Colleen Dillon, said the Prince had zero prejudice, and that the nickname used by his friend was a term of affection with no offense meant or felt.. Clarence House refused to comment on the polo club story but said that suggesting Charles was racist was completely ridiculous and that the story was probably written by

a Jew. That's not true, that last but that did not say that. They did not think it. I speak for the vast silence, gaff loving majority of Britain, John, when I say I want Harry to be king. I wanted to be my king because the current Queen, John, is pretty much a gaff free zone these days. At least she has been since she stopped having people like the Chow Chescoos and the Armenians around for tea and trying to set Bill Clinton up with her mother. Just to see where he'd draw the line. So I want Harry to be king. I think King Henry the Knight would be without question, a spectacular addition to international relations. Because as you said, the Gaffing Jeans are very strong in Harry's bloodline,

particularly in Royals named Henry like him, that's his birth name. Now take Henry the eighth for example, who I believe is a current printer's great grandfather, who gaffed it up big style in the 16th century when he chopped two of his wives heads off. Clean off, blood everywhere, that was a blooper and a half. Before him, of course, Henry II gafed by accidentally having his favourite art species of cancer, brutally murdered. That was a bit of a gaf. Henry V, he gafed, of course he won a adjunct call, but he also invented the passport, slowing people's holidays down by up to an hour sometimes, and then he gafed further by contracting dysentery, then gafed again by dying of dysentery,

and then gaffed a third time by leaving an eight-month-old son in charge of the nation. That is a triple gaff. Now that infant monarch was of course Henry VI who then gaffed on his first day as king by crapping in his royal pants. I know he was only eight months old, but still not very kingly behaviour. His first Laura's king was compulsory boo-boo for everyone, incidentally. He went onto Gaff's softening, that Gaff fan William Shakespeare himself gaffed, by writing three phenomenally tedious plays about him, namely Henry VI Part III, Henry VI Part I, and Henry VI Part II, not in that order. Henry VI Gaffs included one, losing the English property of France, which

still haven't quite managed to get back. Two, plunging his country into a 25 year civil war, three, going absolutely stark bollock mad, and four, being murdered in the Tower of London, and five, founding Eaton College, which has produced for the world such as Repar Rates as Trataurus Soviet spy notorious booze hound Guy Burgess, a Cansonsy rogue Darious Guppy, Nanny Murderer and Disabiring Enthusiast Lord Luchen, Tory leader David Cameron, and notorious multiple killer and human rights violator James Bond. He was an old atonian apparently. They're just something about the name Henry and a royal. It brings out the tit in you.

But people have been lighting up to desperately and failingly attempt to defend him. A defense secretary, John Hutton, told the Commons, we should not lose sight of one very important fact in all this that Prince Harry has served his country on active service in Afghanistan, and I believe very strongly that there is no better example of public service than that. But what Hutton needs to be aware of is that it is possible to serve your country and not be a racist. Millions of servicemen have done it in the past. The pilots during the Battle of Britain were defending their country in a non-racist

fashion, not just doing it because they thought that German smelt of bratvers. The third most divisive figure in European history this week, behind the guy who shot Arctuke Franz Ferdinand and the guy who marched into Poland. David Cherny has pulled off one of the great autistic pranks, Johnny, to put up a massive insulation in an EU building in Brussels, which has managed to offend basically every single nation on the continent. I've shown Bulgaria as a toilet, a

German-earsome motorway shaped a bit like a swastika, and Italy is impossibly masturbating footballers. This was supposed to be a work of art. There was a collaboration between artists from all 27 nations of the EU. It's late to turn out that it was just journey and two of his mates taking a piss out of everyone. Well, it's perfect. He said he wanted to find out if you were a bit able to laugh at itself. Well, he should have known the answer to that before he did it, but at least he can be sure now. The answer is an emphatic no.

There is a key distinction, Andy. We like to laugh at each other, not at ourselves. That's what Europe is based on. Yes, I guess he could have done 27 different versions of this, in which for each country he just removed their insulting bit of the artwork and they would just think oh this is great this is saying what we're all thinking. Bulgaria has complained about its depiction as a toilet and it may get taken down if they keep up with that complaint and again the Czech dissidents said we wanted to prove that 20 years after

the fall of the iron curtain there is no censorship he said this as the peace was being pulled from the wall. This has been handled very badly and If Bulgaria should have had to go to court to prove beyond doubt that they are not a toilet. He throw airport news now and the British government has given its approval for a third runway and a sixth terminal at Heathrow. John, I don't understand this story. There are already two runways there. One is for taking office presumably, and one is for landing. And what other maneuver can an aircraft possibly need a third runway for?

Oh, landing. That is a very simplistic interpretation of error noughtics. Proceeded enough. Just pull you, he's doing some stunts. The government have pledged to cut carbon emissions by 80%, but it's thought that if this third runway is built, this target will become almost impossible to meet. And of the many interesting protests regarding this including runway

sittings and an illegal Edwardian picnic in one of the terminals, only the British and the could have a protest picnic. Civil disobedience doesn't have to not be delicious. That's basically what the bore war was. One protest included celebrities buying up plots of land earmarked by the government for development in an attempt to seriously delay it. Celebrities such as Emma Thompson and Alistair McGowan along with a conservative green party advisor Zach Goldsmith, lots of people have bought up all of this land and perhaps this is the next technique for world peace and the capitalism can sort everything out. Celebrities should just start buying

up sections of the Middle East. Purchase the promised land. God loves celebrities and he loves them. Why else do you think he made Jesus so famous? Well I think you know if the anti-war movement had the foresight to do this then you know we might be living in a happier world today. If you know they just seen what was coming and bought all of the army's tanks and aeroplanes then you know who knows you know if we're all ready for the invasion ready to go and then there's Emma Thompson saying I think if I'm that's mine give me the keys take your furry dice down that's my tank. But there's a new runway in we're open for about 10 years by which time Gordon Brown hopes or perhaps assumes aeroplanes will be powered by alternative non-pollutive energies such as

wind, there's lots of winds in the sky surely just whack a turbine on an aeroplane, surely would work or sails, if it works for boats it should work for planes, I'm not a physicist John but as Jesus said what's good for the goose is good for the gander, although whether they supplies when the goose is a boat and the gander is an aeroplane, is a moot point. Perhaps other green energies that could be used to power air travel by 2020 include flapping. In fact, Boeing have been working alongside the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds on a feathered aircraft modelled on the buzzard and also will power. I think that can keep airplanes up. And also on the evidence of this week, John,

I don't need any new runway, they just need to straighten out a bit of the temps, since it is now apparently perfectly fine to land airplanes on rivers these days. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A today. Yeah, is that all? I've sworn that much by the time I've got out of bed. Because I'll tell you Andy, a lot of people must not be swearing at all because we're carrying the **** cap for those ****. Right. 87% of people admitted to swearing. The other 13% presumably have not yet learned to talk or are in a coma or are just deeply unpatriotic. And I speak John as someone who has discovered empirically of a recent weeks that two-year-old girls are capable of swearing.

No of it, they do it. No, you're kidding me. Do it quite cheerfully and copying what their mummy has just said to their daddy. What did she say? Dick. And I can't remember what causes but my wife, probably justifiably, it usually is said, you're a dick And Matilda looks at me smile. I went dick

You must have been so proud Andy. Oh, I was proud babies first where was you should publish your book about You never forget your first Your emails now and well the end of Hot Is From History has quite rightly brought howl to vindignation from Bueglis in all 25 corners of the world, including this one from Daniel Coley who writes, dear dead men walking. How dare you ask the Hot Is From History section from the Buegl. It was the only podcast related thing in my life worth living for and more importantly the only outlet I had to relieve my bottllup sexual feelings for long dead historical figures.

You know not who you have angered, gentlemen, especially you Oliver, there is an ocean between us, and by the time this podcast airs, you may very well find yourself hanging lifeless from the Empire State Building, dressed only in clown shoes, and an ancient Mesopotamian burial shroud. It's the wild one to go. You're living on borrowed time unless you find something of greater entertainment value from Hotties' misty to replace it. I swear, I will spill some blood if you don't make a man soon. Consider this your only warning, Andy, for as I said before, John will likely not survive the week.

Vengefully yours, Daniel Kohli. Oh wow. Well, that's just a sample of one of the several hundred thousand angry emails we've had about Hotties from history. Never say never John. I mean all kinds of comebacks, Elvis, you think of the great comebacks special on that acoustic toy in the late 1980s.

And Jesus, come back King himself. Who knows? Email here from Dave Anderson in response to our request for an oath. And Dave has written an oath he says which will solve the financial crisis that he recommends we all take and here it is, if there is an automobile built with its own 50-inch plasma television I swear I will buy it. That's right, who needs a windscreen? If there is a breakfast cereal made from miniature custard donuts, I swear I will buy it.

If there is a pill to make my dogs flatulent smell like popo re, I swear I will buy it. If there is a pill to make my dogs flatulent smell like popo re, I swear I will buy it. If there is a small electronic device that can distract me in some new way, I swear I will buy it. For I, in certain name here, will uphold the office of consumer. I will borrow when others cower. I will spend when others haught. I will turn the tide of unemployment. I will bring prosperity to all. I am Atlas. I am Marta. I am Savia. I am Consumer Congratulations Dave you can turn this thing around. That's pretty good. That sounded like an audition please Take you back to your national youth theatre days Come on dick pants too. The spin-off. Is that happening? Of course it isn't.

This one comes from Lawrence Potter, who writes, greetings, Andy and John, I've come to regard the bugle as a reliable source of incisive analysis and sound advice, rightly so. In issue 59, however, you refer to a tiger ordering a glass of shabby to go with his dinner of horsemeat. This goes to a long way to explain, while one rarely sees members of the species pantheratigris working as semelius. Along with this is going. Depending on the preparation, a better choice to go with horsemeat might be Amarona de Valpola-Chella or a Kahaw. Amusingly, Chaval Brong was drunk at the banque Ipophagique of 1865. Oh, Andy Trebonne, which was the French of Hormie de la Barre, Le Vanche et Ipeau-fais-jeet-quiet.

Erh, held in the Grande-de-Gel in Bully, the 135 at N.D.s or at Donde. Included such notable does a flow bear and duma. The menu works its way from horse-broth vermicelli via horse-alamoud to rumcake with horse-bone marrow. I hope that's true. Shabbily is more typically paired with whitefish

and foidae mayor. Possibly this might include sea horses. Not a point. Certainly did on my trips to the aquarium. Oh, oh God, they were angry. They said you're not allowed to bring your own booze in. There's cutting into their profits. Your listeners may benefit from this information

in order to avoid any embarrassment when serving horse to guests. Regards, Lawrence. So thanks very much. Be a wine advice and I can only apologise for putting the wrong wine in the wrong joke. Do keep your emails, are flooding in to thebuegallatimesonline.co.uk or else. Sport news now and what recession? What recession? And it manages to city are reportedly considering buying Brazilian star midfielder Cacar for £100 million. Paying him £500,000 a week. And the football is becoming a cartoon sport. This is utterly ridiculous. It is that is to put that in context for Buegel listeners. £500,000 a week is more than

John and I combined a paid for doing the bugle. I'm not saying how much more it is more, but it is about what John gets on the daily show. That's right Andy. It's basic cable is a gold mine. So the question is has football gone gets on the daily show. That's right Andy. It's basic cable is a gold mine. So the question is, has football gone mad? And the answer clearly is, yes, it's gone stark, institutionalizably bonkers. If this was still the 1950s, football would now be wearing a special jacket and rocking backwards

and forwards in a special chair, claiming it's still a real sport. And you know, John, we've all sometimes get a bit over exciting pay more than we should for something. I speak to someone occasionally, gets carried away on eBay and bids more than I was meaning to, but I've never been a hundred million pounds for a footballer that I then have to back up with half a million pounds a week. For that amount, he shouldn't just be able to just play football, he should be able to

mow the pitch with his testicles for that money. Manchester City's owners from Abu Dhabi have shown that they clearly have more money than cents, although given the amount of money they have, they could be investing this cash not in a single easily breakable footballer, but in a diversified portfolio of long-term investments, green energy research programmes and charitable works in the poor areas of Manchester. And they would still have more money than cents by a massive margin. That's not the problem, John. The problem is that they have lots of money and no sense. Yes. Not having less, it's having none. The increasing trend for football clubs, John, is to

be play things of billionaires. And that's, take it from me, John, that is dangerous, because my daughter, aged two, is very like a billionaire football club owner, in that she doesn't really know or care about football, but can just about recognise it when it's on the tele. And also, I've seen how people like her and them can very quickly become bored with their toys. Incidentally of course, Kakai is not his real name, unlike so many Brazilian footballers. He uses that as his football name. His real name is Kakataq Kawakataq.

He's 26 and he loves Jesus and incredible amounts such that he gives a large portion of both his earnings and his goals to charity, meaning that last season, Christian aid beat Yventus 1.0. In other sports, the Australian Open tennis is beginning on Monday, John, and 2009 Australian Open champion Andy Murray begins his victorious campaign in the 2009 Australian Open against Romanian has been Andre Pavill. It's a two-week inauguration for Murray. He will beat Nadal and the semi-final and Federer in the final. And by already winning the final in two weeks time, John, according to light parts of the British press. He has already become the first British Grand

Slam winner since Fred Perry, who won six Grand Slams so long ago that it was in the days before Hitler was regarded as a full-on batty. Murray will also become the first British man to win the Australian Open since Captain James Cook landed in botany bay. In the 1770s, put up a net, shot his Australian opponent dead and won six love, six love, six four. His serve went to pieces as he got close to victory and there were a lot of double faults. That's what tension does to you. I think that's a good point, I mean, we hear so much about the bad things that Hitler did, but we very rarely hear how catastrophic he was for British tennis. Exactly. Well, that's it for sport this week.

Next week we'll have an update on Andy Murray's winning of the Australian Open 2009. And also an exclusive bugle report from the international overreaction championships. From our marginal sports correspondent, whoa. Just time for the bugle forecast this week. John, the forecast is by this time next week week will George W. Bush have a new job But no and the no I don't think he will ever have another job He does not seem like a man who is overburdened with a work ethic. I guess some of his references might not be altogether glowing either I guess I'm going to be glowing in the sense that they're probably on fire with an effigy of him wrapped around them. Yeah exactly. That's going to be hard to push across the

disk. Oh, there's a reference from the American people. Oh yeah, always that how you spell it. They've got the second letter right? Well that's it, Buglers. Enjoy the inauguration. Enjoy the end of the bush era. And I do hope that that remains so for at least at least eight years, eight years without a bush in the White House, that would equal the modern record. We made it, Bugles, we made it through eight years of bush and we're still alive. I hope I'm not tempting fate by saying that, we have a few days left at this point but we're nearly there. Hang in there, we can do this together. See you on the other side. So next week's be all John will be in Washington

for the inauguration and I will be sampling the atmosphere of inauguration day live in Stretem in South London. Possibly on a park bench with a small joke. Bye bye. Bye!